Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Happily Never After
“What’s up?” Spencer sat in the passenger’s seat of Brendon’s car. I had already dropped Brendon off at the recording studio. This was his chance to make things right, as well as my chance. Only time would tell if we could pull it off after being so far gone and so damn confused. I told Brendon he had three days. He had three days to figure out just what he wanted and If he wanted to be with me. I wouldn’t see him again until he decided and I had a lot of deciding to do as well. It would be a hard three days.
“Are you hungry?” I was hesitant to approach the subject, unsure as to how I was even supposed to bring it up. Everything that came out of my mouth now just instantly turned in to drama. I didn’t want my life to be so dramatic. I didn’t want my marriage to be dramatic. I didn’t want to be stringing two guys along. I didn’t want to hurt anyone but I didn’t want to be hurt either. And most of all, I didn’t want to feel like I needed either guy and right now I felt like I needed them both. They were my air, without them I felt as if I would stop breathing. It was hard to feel that way about two different people. It made making sense nearly impossible. It wasn’t like I didn’t know that how I felt was wrong. I did but that didn’t change a single thing.
“I could eat.” Spencer didn’t look at me so I looked away from him. He knew something was wrong. He always knew. He knew how I felt before I did. That was just the type of person that he was. So perfect, so understanding… so worthy of love that I couldn’t give him.
“How about pizza?” I wasn’t really hungry but food was universally acceptable. It was something everyone could generally take part in. It was an easy way to be with someone. Plus, it was an activity in which talking could occur. I needed to talk to Spencer. I didn’t know what to say but I knew something had to be said. I couldn’t keep changing my mind. I couldn’t keep feeling all of these feelings. Eventually something had to make sense so that I could make a decision. Something had to pop up and clear my mind. I was kind of afraid of what that something would be and yet here I was seeking it out.
“Pizza works for me.” Spencer didn’t buckle his seat belt though.
“How do you always know?”
Spencer shrugged, “I don’t know anything Kacy.”
“Yes, you do. You probably knew this would happen before I even started having feelings for you. So, since you know so damn much why don’t you just tell me the end of our story because I’m sick of wasting my time guessing.” Sometimes it became aggravating when someone was always right. Spencer was always right and he was always so calm. Did nothing get under his skin? Did anything surprise him?
“It doesn’t have to be this hard.” Spencer finally looked at me. The look in his eyes said more than he ever could but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I didn’t want to do this anymore because I knew there was a lot of pain coming. I could handle being in pain but I didn’t want to hurt anyone else. I didn’t want to hurt Spencer. I didn’t want to hurt Brendon. It wasn’t fair. How had we gone so far off path? “I promise it doesn’t have to be this hard.” Spencer took my hand in his. His warm fingers brushed against the ring he’d given me. “You just have to choose.”
“It shouldn’t be this hard. There shouldn’t be any decisions like this to make. Something went wrong but I can’t figure out when and the fact that it can’t all just be undone is hard to stomach. I don’t want to do this.”
“You’d rather lead us, and yourself, on forever then?” Spencer’s tone was teasing but the friendly gesture didn’t rise in to his eyes.
“Is that what I’ve been doing?” Well, I was just the most terrible person ever evidently. It was like Brendon and Spencer didn’t get that they had the chance to walk away at any moment. They made choices just as I did. It wasn’t like I was orchestrating this entire drama fest all on my own.
“No.” Spencer rubbed his forehead as he struggled to figure out whatever it was he was trying to say. “You were right before though. You’re married. I have no business trying to steal you from your husband, who also happens to be one of my best friends. We’re just in over our heads. I think it’s about time we call it quits.”
“Okay.” Well that was that then. It solved the Spencer problem…
“Okay?” Spencer sounded dumbfounded. “Do you have no opinion anymore or something? I’m just throwing shit out. It doesn’t mean you have to agree.”
“Do you want me to disagree?”
“I want you to make your own choice. I don’t want to pressure you but I don’t want Brendon to pressure you either. I just want to see you make your own fucking choice for once.” Well, that was harsh.
“You act like I just go with whatever everyone else says.” That wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. I was my own person. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, with whom I wanted… but I didn’t. I couldn’t remember the last time I did what I wanted. I couldn’t remember the last time I hadn’t gone to Spencer for advice because I was too afraid to even think of my own advice, let alone follow it.
“You do.” Spencer sighed heavily. “I’m not trying to attack you. You have to understand that I’m only saying this so that you know, so that it can be fixed. I know you’re stronger than you’ve been so why have you been acting like such a pushover? That isn’t the change you want to take right as you prepare to bring a baby in to the world. I know you want your kid to be strong and he or she will be if you raise them to be but how can you if you don’t even know what it is to be strong anymore?”
“You’re right.” It was true. What could I do but agree at this point? I had relied on Spencer far too much but his words just made everything else make so much more sense. “And I can’t be with you. I can’t lead you on anymore. In the end we both knew we would never end up together.” I leaned closer, pressing my lips against his. He pressed back. It was fast and rough, like we were trying to ignite a fire. The flame had burnt out though, leaving no chance of that happening. “I’ll never be with you Spencer. All we have ever had is a mutual feeling of comfort but comfort does not equal out to love. You deserve something more. You deserve to be loved. I can’t do that for you.”
He didn’t have to say anything for me to know he was hurt. It flashed all across his face but the hurt wasn’t mixed with surprise because I could never surprise Spencer. He had always known this would come. He knew I didn’t love him. I was the only one who was stupid enough to confuse comfort with love.
“So, are you going back to Brendon?” Spencer tried his hardest to keep a straight face, acting as if none of this was getting to him. I could tell though. He was more transparent than he knew. He wasn’t quite as transparent as others, like me, but he wasn’t completely unreadable.
“I don’t know.” I really didn’t. Brendon hadn’t made up his mind yet either. I kept checking my phone, secretly hoping he’d decide earlier than the given time.
There was a part of me that would always love Brendon and it wasn’t something I could deny. The problem was the rest of me didn’t always agree with that part of me. The rest of me hated Brendon for cheating. I hated him for making me feel so unwanted. I hated him for leaving me pregnant while unsure if we’d even be together in the future. I hated what he’d done to me but at the same time we’d come so far and I’ve experienced so much. I couldn’t even imagine me without him. I truly believed that I got better because of Brendon. He was at the hospital. He was there the entire time. I could feel him there. I could always feel him. He was a very strong part of me but sometimes he overshadowed the rest of me and I couldn’t help but feel a little bitter over that sad fact.
“If you love him then you’re going to have to fight for what you have.” I loved how even after basically ‘dumping’ Spencer he was still there for me, even in a romantic sense. He always had my back, and he was always looking out for my heart. “I want what’s best for you and though I’ve been trying to deny it… Brendon is what’s best for you. He always has been.” Spencer laughed, but didn’t let me in on what was so funny. “I can’t really think of a better match actually.”
“I’m not sure I can handle living the rest of my life feeling how he makes me feel though.” I felt like I was falling apart half of the time. “When it’s good it’s great but when it’s bad it’s unbearable.”
“That’s what love is.” Well, at least Spencer knew what love was. Love was starting to sound like a different way of saying drama, or pain, or both. All of the terms seemed to go hand in hand. “That’s why you have to fight through it.”
“Just because I fight for something doesn’t mean I’m going to win. That’s not always how it works out.” I wish I knew if things would go right. If I knew the end then I could give it my all. Then it would feel worth it. I just needed to know that things would be okay. Without that assurance it was hard to go forward.
“If you fight hard enough then it’ll work out.”
**
Spencer left. I couldn’t really blame him. He still looked hurt. I didn’t expect the pain to just slip away. I didn’t expect any of this to be easier but it still sucked that it wasn’t.
I was lying in Brendon’s bunk, inhaling the scent he’d left on his blankets. It was nice in a somewhat creepy way but I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t all that creepy since we were married. I wasn’t fooling myself though.
Ryan was playing the guitar and it was pretty much like having your own sad song playing constantly. He played the same notes and I knew he was trying to make me feel better but he couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t let him know that though.
Behind Ryan’s guitar was the sound of shooting since Jon was sitting on the floor playing some stupid video game. It was a stupid video game that I would love to play with him but I just couldn’t bring myself to stand up. I did listen to each small pop and imagine what it would feel like to get shot though.
I imagined it would be easier to just get shot and die than it would be to live feeling like this forever.
The music suddenly stopped and all I could hear was Jon’s video game. “Kacy?” Ryan’s voice caused me to open my eyes.
“Yeah?”
“I’m going out. There’s a party that’s supposed to be pretty mind blowing. It’ll be good publicity, if we play our cards right. Did you wanna come with?”
“No, I’d rather stay in. Have fun though.” I forced a smile, trying to make it seem like I was okay.
“I won’t be home until tomorrow so are you sure you want to be alone?”
“Jon is going with you?”
“Yeah, and Spencer is meeting us there.”
“Is Brendon?” I sat up slightly, waiting for Ryan’s answer. It didn’t take him long but it felt as if forever had passed by.
“I haven’t heard from him.”
“Oh.” I quickly tried to hide my disappointment. We’d talked all of this over together earlier but it was still painful to not know exactly where he was and with who. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Did he want me like I wanted him? Did he come to the same realization that I did or did he choose someone else?
After all I just had one other choice while he apparently had over twelve.
“I can just stay if you want. We don’t all have to be there.”
“No, just go! Have fun. Party it up.” I was just throwing out what sounded like happy statements to me. “Enjoy yourself. Remember condoms.” I pointed at my stomach, “We don’t want a bunch of little Panic! babies running around all at once.”
Ryan laughed and nodded, “Jon has the condoms. We’re good.” He winked but still looked uncomfortable. “I’ll keep my phone on me. Call me for anything, okay?”
I just nodded and soon enough he realized I wasn’t going to say anything else and went towards the door, gaining Jon’s attention.
I listened as the door closed behind them and then I waited for the sound of their car starting. I could hear them drive away. I expected to cry, I really did. It was what I’d been doing for so long now. It’d become second nature. So I was surprised when no tears came.
I didn’t really want to cry, though I hadn’t wanted to before either. I knew what I wanted. I wanted Brendon. I knew what mistakes I had made but I knew Brendon had made mistakes too. I couldn’t make this right for us. It had to be a partnership. If things were going to work out then we both had to work them out. We would have to compromise. Like Spencer said, we would have to fight for our relationship. It would be a constant struggle. Was it really worth it?
Right now it didn’t feel like it but I had to believe that there was a better feeling than this. I tried to think back to how I’d felt before. I could still remember the way Brendon looked at me when I was in the hospital. He made me feel so loved then but now when I thought of it the feeling seemed far away, almost unreal.
It was as if that feeling had never happened though I knew it had.
I couldn’t remember anything other than pain anymore.
*
I heard a car door slam and jumped in surprise. No one was set to be back tonight. Maybe Ryan, Jon, or Spencer had gotten sick of partying.
I waited patiently but it took a few minutes for the door to open. I couldn’t see who it was yet and I didn’t say anything, prepared to fake as if I were asleep. I was already sick of the way Ryan looked at me, with such pity. I didn’t want his pity. I just wanted things to be okay. I wanted to work things out. I was ready to take that step and stop running away.
I could hear footsteps and then I saw him.
His hair was messy, just the way I liked it. He looked tired but he also looked… free. “Hey.” Brendon stopped in place, “Am I allowed to be here right now?”
“Why wouldn’t you be?”
“We agreed on three days.”
“Have you made your decision?” I could barely breath as I waited. I needed to know. I was dying to know. I was so extremely happy to see him but I knew my happiness could be extinguished with just a few words. What if he wasn’t ready to continue our marriage? What if he just didn’t want to? Feelings faded. Had we lost what we had?
“I have.” He didn’t elaborate as he stuck his hands in to his jeans. “Have you?” He looked around, almost nervously. “Where are the guys?”
“They went to a party. They won’t be back until tomorrow.” I sat up, feeling as if I were on display. “I know what I want.”
“What do you want?” Brendon stayed in place, not making eye contact. It worried me. Was he about to tell me that he was leaving me?
Despite the worry that he might not want to be with me I knew I had to be honest with him. He needed to know how I felt, even if I ended up embarrassing myself.
“I want to be with you.” I breathed out nervously. “I want to make this work.”
“Are you hungry?” I was hesitant to approach the subject, unsure as to how I was even supposed to bring it up. Everything that came out of my mouth now just instantly turned in to drama. I didn’t want my life to be so dramatic. I didn’t want my marriage to be dramatic. I didn’t want to be stringing two guys along. I didn’t want to hurt anyone but I didn’t want to be hurt either. And most of all, I didn’t want to feel like I needed either guy and right now I felt like I needed them both. They were my air, without them I felt as if I would stop breathing. It was hard to feel that way about two different people. It made making sense nearly impossible. It wasn’t like I didn’t know that how I felt was wrong. I did but that didn’t change a single thing.
“I could eat.” Spencer didn’t look at me so I looked away from him. He knew something was wrong. He always knew. He knew how I felt before I did. That was just the type of person that he was. So perfect, so understanding… so worthy of love that I couldn’t give him.
“How about pizza?” I wasn’t really hungry but food was universally acceptable. It was something everyone could generally take part in. It was an easy way to be with someone. Plus, it was an activity in which talking could occur. I needed to talk to Spencer. I didn’t know what to say but I knew something had to be said. I couldn’t keep changing my mind. I couldn’t keep feeling all of these feelings. Eventually something had to make sense so that I could make a decision. Something had to pop up and clear my mind. I was kind of afraid of what that something would be and yet here I was seeking it out.
“Pizza works for me.” Spencer didn’t buckle his seat belt though.
“How do you always know?”
Spencer shrugged, “I don’t know anything Kacy.”
“Yes, you do. You probably knew this would happen before I even started having feelings for you. So, since you know so damn much why don’t you just tell me the end of our story because I’m sick of wasting my time guessing.” Sometimes it became aggravating when someone was always right. Spencer was always right and he was always so calm. Did nothing get under his skin? Did anything surprise him?
“It doesn’t have to be this hard.” Spencer finally looked at me. The look in his eyes said more than he ever could but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I didn’t want to do this anymore because I knew there was a lot of pain coming. I could handle being in pain but I didn’t want to hurt anyone else. I didn’t want to hurt Spencer. I didn’t want to hurt Brendon. It wasn’t fair. How had we gone so far off path? “I promise it doesn’t have to be this hard.” Spencer took my hand in his. His warm fingers brushed against the ring he’d given me. “You just have to choose.”
“It shouldn’t be this hard. There shouldn’t be any decisions like this to make. Something went wrong but I can’t figure out when and the fact that it can’t all just be undone is hard to stomach. I don’t want to do this.”
“You’d rather lead us, and yourself, on forever then?” Spencer’s tone was teasing but the friendly gesture didn’t rise in to his eyes.
“Is that what I’ve been doing?” Well, I was just the most terrible person ever evidently. It was like Brendon and Spencer didn’t get that they had the chance to walk away at any moment. They made choices just as I did. It wasn’t like I was orchestrating this entire drama fest all on my own.
“No.” Spencer rubbed his forehead as he struggled to figure out whatever it was he was trying to say. “You were right before though. You’re married. I have no business trying to steal you from your husband, who also happens to be one of my best friends. We’re just in over our heads. I think it’s about time we call it quits.”
“Okay.” Well that was that then. It solved the Spencer problem…
“Okay?” Spencer sounded dumbfounded. “Do you have no opinion anymore or something? I’m just throwing shit out. It doesn’t mean you have to agree.”
“Do you want me to disagree?”
“I want you to make your own choice. I don’t want to pressure you but I don’t want Brendon to pressure you either. I just want to see you make your own fucking choice for once.” Well, that was harsh.
“You act like I just go with whatever everyone else says.” That wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. I was my own person. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, with whom I wanted… but I didn’t. I couldn’t remember the last time I did what I wanted. I couldn’t remember the last time I hadn’t gone to Spencer for advice because I was too afraid to even think of my own advice, let alone follow it.
“You do.” Spencer sighed heavily. “I’m not trying to attack you. You have to understand that I’m only saying this so that you know, so that it can be fixed. I know you’re stronger than you’ve been so why have you been acting like such a pushover? That isn’t the change you want to take right as you prepare to bring a baby in to the world. I know you want your kid to be strong and he or she will be if you raise them to be but how can you if you don’t even know what it is to be strong anymore?”
“You’re right.” It was true. What could I do but agree at this point? I had relied on Spencer far too much but his words just made everything else make so much more sense. “And I can’t be with you. I can’t lead you on anymore. In the end we both knew we would never end up together.” I leaned closer, pressing my lips against his. He pressed back. It was fast and rough, like we were trying to ignite a fire. The flame had burnt out though, leaving no chance of that happening. “I’ll never be with you Spencer. All we have ever had is a mutual feeling of comfort but comfort does not equal out to love. You deserve something more. You deserve to be loved. I can’t do that for you.”
He didn’t have to say anything for me to know he was hurt. It flashed all across his face but the hurt wasn’t mixed with surprise because I could never surprise Spencer. He had always known this would come. He knew I didn’t love him. I was the only one who was stupid enough to confuse comfort with love.
“So, are you going back to Brendon?” Spencer tried his hardest to keep a straight face, acting as if none of this was getting to him. I could tell though. He was more transparent than he knew. He wasn’t quite as transparent as others, like me, but he wasn’t completely unreadable.
“I don’t know.” I really didn’t. Brendon hadn’t made up his mind yet either. I kept checking my phone, secretly hoping he’d decide earlier than the given time.
There was a part of me that would always love Brendon and it wasn’t something I could deny. The problem was the rest of me didn’t always agree with that part of me. The rest of me hated Brendon for cheating. I hated him for making me feel so unwanted. I hated him for leaving me pregnant while unsure if we’d even be together in the future. I hated what he’d done to me but at the same time we’d come so far and I’ve experienced so much. I couldn’t even imagine me without him. I truly believed that I got better because of Brendon. He was at the hospital. He was there the entire time. I could feel him there. I could always feel him. He was a very strong part of me but sometimes he overshadowed the rest of me and I couldn’t help but feel a little bitter over that sad fact.
“If you love him then you’re going to have to fight for what you have.” I loved how even after basically ‘dumping’ Spencer he was still there for me, even in a romantic sense. He always had my back, and he was always looking out for my heart. “I want what’s best for you and though I’ve been trying to deny it… Brendon is what’s best for you. He always has been.” Spencer laughed, but didn’t let me in on what was so funny. “I can’t really think of a better match actually.”
“I’m not sure I can handle living the rest of my life feeling how he makes me feel though.” I felt like I was falling apart half of the time. “When it’s good it’s great but when it’s bad it’s unbearable.”
“That’s what love is.” Well, at least Spencer knew what love was. Love was starting to sound like a different way of saying drama, or pain, or both. All of the terms seemed to go hand in hand. “That’s why you have to fight through it.”
“Just because I fight for something doesn’t mean I’m going to win. That’s not always how it works out.” I wish I knew if things would go right. If I knew the end then I could give it my all. Then it would feel worth it. I just needed to know that things would be okay. Without that assurance it was hard to go forward.
“If you fight hard enough then it’ll work out.”
**
Spencer left. I couldn’t really blame him. He still looked hurt. I didn’t expect the pain to just slip away. I didn’t expect any of this to be easier but it still sucked that it wasn’t.
I was lying in Brendon’s bunk, inhaling the scent he’d left on his blankets. It was nice in a somewhat creepy way but I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t all that creepy since we were married. I wasn’t fooling myself though.
Ryan was playing the guitar and it was pretty much like having your own sad song playing constantly. He played the same notes and I knew he was trying to make me feel better but he couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t let him know that though.
Behind Ryan’s guitar was the sound of shooting since Jon was sitting on the floor playing some stupid video game. It was a stupid video game that I would love to play with him but I just couldn’t bring myself to stand up. I did listen to each small pop and imagine what it would feel like to get shot though.
I imagined it would be easier to just get shot and die than it would be to live feeling like this forever.
The music suddenly stopped and all I could hear was Jon’s video game. “Kacy?” Ryan’s voice caused me to open my eyes.
“Yeah?”
“I’m going out. There’s a party that’s supposed to be pretty mind blowing. It’ll be good publicity, if we play our cards right. Did you wanna come with?”
“No, I’d rather stay in. Have fun though.” I forced a smile, trying to make it seem like I was okay.
“I won’t be home until tomorrow so are you sure you want to be alone?”
“Jon is going with you?”
“Yeah, and Spencer is meeting us there.”
“Is Brendon?” I sat up slightly, waiting for Ryan’s answer. It didn’t take him long but it felt as if forever had passed by.
“I haven’t heard from him.”
“Oh.” I quickly tried to hide my disappointment. We’d talked all of this over together earlier but it was still painful to not know exactly where he was and with who. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Did he want me like I wanted him? Did he come to the same realization that I did or did he choose someone else?
After all I just had one other choice while he apparently had over twelve.
“I can just stay if you want. We don’t all have to be there.”
“No, just go! Have fun. Party it up.” I was just throwing out what sounded like happy statements to me. “Enjoy yourself. Remember condoms.” I pointed at my stomach, “We don’t want a bunch of little Panic! babies running around all at once.”
Ryan laughed and nodded, “Jon has the condoms. We’re good.” He winked but still looked uncomfortable. “I’ll keep my phone on me. Call me for anything, okay?”
I just nodded and soon enough he realized I wasn’t going to say anything else and went towards the door, gaining Jon’s attention.
I listened as the door closed behind them and then I waited for the sound of their car starting. I could hear them drive away. I expected to cry, I really did. It was what I’d been doing for so long now. It’d become second nature. So I was surprised when no tears came.
I didn’t really want to cry, though I hadn’t wanted to before either. I knew what I wanted. I wanted Brendon. I knew what mistakes I had made but I knew Brendon had made mistakes too. I couldn’t make this right for us. It had to be a partnership. If things were going to work out then we both had to work them out. We would have to compromise. Like Spencer said, we would have to fight for our relationship. It would be a constant struggle. Was it really worth it?
Right now it didn’t feel like it but I had to believe that there was a better feeling than this. I tried to think back to how I’d felt before. I could still remember the way Brendon looked at me when I was in the hospital. He made me feel so loved then but now when I thought of it the feeling seemed far away, almost unreal.
It was as if that feeling had never happened though I knew it had.
I couldn’t remember anything other than pain anymore.
*
I heard a car door slam and jumped in surprise. No one was set to be back tonight. Maybe Ryan, Jon, or Spencer had gotten sick of partying.
I waited patiently but it took a few minutes for the door to open. I couldn’t see who it was yet and I didn’t say anything, prepared to fake as if I were asleep. I was already sick of the way Ryan looked at me, with such pity. I didn’t want his pity. I just wanted things to be okay. I wanted to work things out. I was ready to take that step and stop running away.
I could hear footsteps and then I saw him.
His hair was messy, just the way I liked it. He looked tired but he also looked… free. “Hey.” Brendon stopped in place, “Am I allowed to be here right now?”
“Why wouldn’t you be?”
“We agreed on three days.”
“Have you made your decision?” I could barely breath as I waited. I needed to know. I was dying to know. I was so extremely happy to see him but I knew my happiness could be extinguished with just a few words. What if he wasn’t ready to continue our marriage? What if he just didn’t want to? Feelings faded. Had we lost what we had?
“I have.” He didn’t elaborate as he stuck his hands in to his jeans. “Have you?” He looked around, almost nervously. “Where are the guys?”
“They went to a party. They won’t be back until tomorrow.” I sat up, feeling as if I were on display. “I know what I want.”
“What do you want?” Brendon stayed in place, not making eye contact. It worried me. Was he about to tell me that he was leaving me?
Despite the worry that he might not want to be with me I knew I had to be honest with him. He needed to know how I felt, even if I ended up embarrassing myself.
“I want to be with you.” I breathed out nervously. “I want to make this work.”
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