FicWad

Today in art, Gerard and I have to work a bit closer than usual while trying to glue wooden shapes onto the chair for decoration. We take turns with the hot glue gun while the other is supposed to be standing by to stick the piece down firmly just as soon as possible so it can dry correctly. We had a fairly decent system going on until I slipped up with the gun, accidentally collecting a long string of glue on my sleeve without noticing.


"H-here..." Gerard says before reaching over to me. I have no idea what he has in mind to do, but I stand still in spite of the voice within me telling me to stay as far away as possible. "Just one more sec-"


"Ow!" I shout unexpectedly as a violent wave of pain shoots down my forearm. Gerard snatches his hand back in fear, his eyes wide and wondering just what the hell was the matter. I hold onto the back of my arm, tears threatening to fall as I try to swallow the stiff cries of pain that are threatening to travel up my throat.


"S-sorry. I just. Sorry." I say ashamedly, the both of us knowing all too well how little a small touch like that was supposed to hurt. Gerard just stands there for a moment, as if the notion of him hurting me hasn't began to sink in the way it should have. I work so hard to get back into the swing of things, but no matter what I do, Gerard simply lags behind. I try slowing the pace down even more to meet his method of working, but nothing helps.


"Gerard, something wrong?" I dare to ask once I realize that this is going nowhere.


"Why'd you do it?" is his only reply. I stare at him, blinking only once and wondering if he's talking about what I hope he isn't.


"What?"


"Why'd you do it?" Gerard repeats firmly, grabbing my attention. I stutter my response, wishing for the awkward tension in the room to leave before I pass out or run away one.


"Everything was f-fine. We had a good time, right?" he says sadly. All I can think to do is to give him an encouraging nod. Still in the dark on what we've been talking about, I make the mistake of trying to change the subject.


"So you just did it for no reason?" Gerard spits out. I can hardly believe him at this point, my head spinning so quickly to try and wrap around the topic.


"N-no. I just... something happened. It's nothing." I decide on saying, knowing that my cover of playing dumb has officially been blown. Gerard meets my eyes with his own and I feel the sudden urge to grab hold of him and simply will him to stay close with me forever. Thoughts such as those have started creeping into my brain much more often than I would like. The feeling was nothing I felt too proud to have, so I try to look away and devote my attention elsewhere.


"Well, are you okay now?" Gerard asks softly. I nod, my eyes still on the ground beneath us as I wait for the moment to be over. Gerard walks a step closer as if he's about to touch me, and for a minute I start to hope he will. But then he retreats as if nothing ever happened and starts working just as quickly as before. I try to gather myself, knowing that if I don't, we'll be the only students behind, but his worry starts to get to me. Really seep down into my thoughts until I find myself wondering about why it even matters. I want to ask him this; I want to ask him just why the fuck he even cares. But something tells me the aggression I'm feeling is far too childish to work with so I allow it all to slip away until we're working in sync once again.


Right as the bell rings and we've cleaned up our station, a thought dawns on me from somewhere else and I suddenly can't control my fucking mouth. "H-hey, Gerard?" I ask, and for a few heart-stopping beats, I'm almost positive he's going to choose to ignore me instead. Then he turns around and I feel the air enter my lungs once again.


"I have this... this thing tonight. It's not mass per se, but it's like a youth gathering." I try to word it all as well as I can, the thought occurring to me that he could very well say no for the simple reason that it isn't a Catholic church. Gerard stops in his tracks, his face taking on a thoughtful look, one considerate enough to at least let me down easily.


"And you want me to come?" he fills in for me, bringing a blush to my cheeks as I realize that I've stupidly left such a detail out.


"Yeah. You don't have to, I was just wondering if you wanted to y'know, hang out." I add in, trying very hard to decipher the current look on his face.


"I can try. Where?" he asks, taking a step closer with a gentle smile playing on his lips. It occurs to me that we're both going to be late for class, but this doesn't seem to bother Gerard so it would be senseless to point it out.


"It's the church on the left before you reach that large hill that will take you to the neighborhood up there. The Assemblies of God." I finally say, knowing in the back of my mind that this small piece of information was the only bit I wasn't willing to give. Gerard's face takes a subtle change, as if he's reconsidering. I feel panic rise within me, but he's quick to change the course of my thoughts completely.


"Sure. What time?" he asks quietly. I can feel the grin on my face and try to hide it with the corner of my hand but I know it's no good because he's seen it by now.


"Seven." he nods and trails off to class, leaving me to bathe in the wake of his decision and wonder just how fucked up I've got to be to ask a gay Catholic to come hang out with me at church.


I trudge through each subject until the bell rings to send me home. Having a bit of homework in Calculus comes as a major shock to me but I swallow the surprise and bring my book home to work with before I have to leave for church. I scope the place for Gerard but he's nowhere to be seen. I hope to find him on the bus, but when I walk inside, his seat is empty and shows no sign of filling up. This strikes me as odd, but I realize I have no purpose in tracking him down since I'll be seeing him tonight, so the thought leaves me for a while and I'm left to be swallowed by my thoughts on the bus ride home.


Once I'm to the front steps, I'm careful to place my mask on carefully as to avoid any odd questions from my mother. If she knows I'm happy for whatever reason, she'll take it as a very unnecessary opportunity to interrogate me, which would undoubtedly spoil everything. So I walk into the house with an expression of stone as per usual and listen for her voice to call me over before I can be released to my room. Our exchange is short and sweet, only really straying from sweet toward the end when she grows annoyed with me for not looking her in the eye when she speaks. Once she's finished with telling me what she considers important, I'm finally able to walk up the stairs and work on the homework I'm not very used to having.


Forty five minutes later, I've finished what was assigned and now have at least an hour and a half to do what I want before I'm expected to leave for youth. My mom calls up the stairs, wondering if I want any differ for the evening. I shout down a quick No before picking my guitar up to pluck lightly at the strings. I could sit like this forever, it seems. Just let the vibrations given off by the music I'm playing harness whatever negative feelings I seem to be made of and take them somewhere far off where I'll never have to deal with them again. It's a pleasant thought to have - that a toy could make everything better. I smile genuinely as I sit alone and pray that by the grace of God, my mother can't hear me.


"C'mon!" my mother shouts, I glance at the clock and realize it's nearly fifteen 'til. I'm frantic in the way I shove my guitar back into a safe corner of my closet before grabbing my eyeliner to apply a small swipe under each eye. The more careful I am with it, the less likely my mother is to take it away. After putting the finishing touches onto my very lacking ensemble, I'm ready to descend the steps and hopefully have a somewhat enjoyable service for once in quite possibly the history of my attendance at said church.


As we're traveling down the road, my mother turns the radio's volume almost completely down to grab my attention. I turn to her and wait for what she has to say, knowing that if I choose to ignore her instead, her attitude will take a turn for the worst.


"You've been better about school lately, you know. Your father's actually very proud of you. He said to give you this, but if you start to act up again, it'll be gone just as quickly as it was given." my mother says while simultaneously tossing my iPod down into my lap. A small gasp I'm in no control of leaves my lips before I'm practically shouting a series of thanks to my mom. She smiles and keeps her eye on the road, careful not to give too much of herself away. I notice how mangled the earphones are, wrapped sloppily and more than likely tangled beyond a reasonable doubt. I'm upset for a moment before I take a deep breath to relieve the disappointment as to keep her attention as far away as possible. She'll be monitoring me closely for the next little while, I'm sure. If I act out of line in any way, she's liable to snatch it away, an act which I'm almost positive I wouldn't be able to take.


"Have a good class, sweetie." she calls, confusing me for a moment as to where the hell this affection is coming from. I nod and walk off to the double doors, keeping an eye out for the guest I invited before taking a step inside to be greeted by those I hate the most.


Class begins and prayer requests are taken. I look around again, this time definitely more skiddish than I would prefer. He's still nowhere to be found and I begin to worry, wondering if this was even a good idea in the first place. Then the music begins to play and I'm doubly nervous as I stand up and begin to clap - a set of motions I've picked up since childhood. Time slips by and before too long, we're all sitting back down, awaiting Matt's instructions.


"Tonight, we're going to go about things a little differently than usual. Who here has a question of any kind? Janie and I are going to do a Q & A for everyone. Sound fun?" he says cheerily, receiving a number of positive responses in return. I sit idly and blink, staring intently at the drumset behind Matt's oversized head for no apparent reason at all. Foggily, I recall hearing meaningless questions with intermittent requests throughout. Some request prayer for lost loved ones while others ask about polygamy as if it's so unheard of. The topic of Mormonism takes center stage after a little while, which draws the attention of a particular girl three years younger than I am. I watch her begin to cry as our youth minister explains to her that the faith is considered false. She starts explaining that a large portion of her family is, in fact, Mormon, which brings Matt to several other points in his long explanation, all of which spur on her crying charade even more. Finally, I can't take it any longer.


"Why are you crying? Half my family's Atheist. You get over it." I say calmly. She dries right up before tearing her gaze away from me to set her eyes on Matt as she awaits a comment on her behalf.


"Well not everyone's quite as cold as you are, Frank." Matt says matter-of-factly. I stare wildly at him, hoping to God this is all a joke. "I mean, some of us have feelings, and then some of us are like you. But that's okay, it's just the way God made you." he says happily before moving on to the next kid. I'm almost too afraid to open my mouth to speak at this point. Is that really how people see me? As some emotionless drone out to suck the joy from everything? Am I really so unpracticed in the art of feeling?


I stand up, not intending to stick around long enough to hear Matt ask me what he can do to help. Walking out of the classroom is easy when you're invisible in the first place. I make little to no noise in the dim-lit room before walking through the door and out into the hall. The wave of anger is quickly followed by a trail of tears I can hardly control. I'm bawling like a fucking child and so embarrassed I could cry some more. I decide almost immediately that some fresh air would be in my best interest. I open the glass door and feel a sudden gust of chilly wind grip my body as I walk further into the cold. The drops on my face seem never-ending while I wipe feverishly to send them away. I shake and I pout, because I really and truly hate me. I hate every little thing about myself because the world hates me back. It's too hard to love your neighbor as yourself when you're judged so often. Maybe that's why I have such trouble in appreciating my fellow man. Because I don't love myself the way a Christian should and because I'd really rather be dead. I lean against the freezing brick on the side of the church and start to punch wildly, scuffing the skin on my knuckles in the process. I reach in my back pocket to pull out my billfold, praying to whatever's up there that I've brought my emergency aid.


After feeling around for quite some time, a sharp prick to my index finger alerts me that I've found what I've been searching for. I pull it out with caution, knowing that if I drop it, it'll all be over because of its size. The small blade is so thin and I'm actually repulsed for a moment as what I'm about to do sets in. I just need that comfort, and I don't even care who's watching.


Or at least I tell myself that until a dark figure approaches me. Then it's my turn to feel mortified once again as I struggle to stuff the thing in my pocket before anyone puts two and two together.


"Frankie?" Gerard says in a puff of smoke. He steps from beside of the streetlight and walks over to my portion of the dark. I'm shaking at this point, and so fucking cold. But on top of that, I'm also just very detached from everything at the moment. I've not even bothered to wipe the tears and snot from my face, knowing full well that it'll all freeze in just a little while anyway. Gerard walks up and without thinking, grabs onto me and shakes me alert.


"What's wrong? What happened?" he asks worriedly before bringing me in closer. I resist, of course, but only for a moment. Then all caution leaves me and I'm clutching onto him, I'm practically molesting him with my arms, forcing him to stay and really begging for him to never go away. I dig my fingers sharply into the leather of his jacket and nearly knock the cigarette right out of his hand.


"Whoa there." Gerard says softly, his free hand quick to rub some warmth back onto my back so I won't shiver quite as much. Gerard brings his arm around me, and for the first time since childhood I feel like I actually have a friend in someone. A friend I'd love so desperately to tackle right now and spill everything to. He reaches for my chin and pulls my face up to his, simply staring into me until I absolutely have to look away.


"What happened?" he asks again, only slower this time and with much less intensity.


I begin to break down the very short story until his expression has changed from one of understanding to simple rage. "What the hell?" he states, his gaze traveling to the people now filling up in the lobby right past the door. He pulls me snug into his coat until I can hardly breathe, but at this point I really don't care because he smells like cigarettes and coffee and other nice things, like firewood and smoke and pine. Very woodsy and simply comfortable. I allow my hands to travel down to his lower back until I'm simply hanging loosely onto his frame, but he really doesn't seem to mind.


"Inviting you was a mistake. It's a fucking stupid place. I hate it here." I say childishly, knowing full well that if I hadn't invited him, I would probably be scraping iced blood off of myself right now.


"No no, I'm glad you did. I would have been here sooner but something came up. Listen I'm... I'm sorry. I- sorry." Gerard finishes in a far from smooth manner as his grip on me loosens with the arrival of our new audience.


"Uh, Frank?" Matt's voice calls out. Gerard stiffens just slightly and I try to hide the grin on my face as his protective nature kicks in.


"Do you have your car?" I ask simply. Gerard looks at me for a moment before the realization strikes and he nods almost incessantly until he's successfully pulled me over to the Volvo parked crookedly in the lot.


"Can you take me home?" I ask softly, still trying to breathe in what's left of this new scent before I'm officially used to it and can no longer enjoy it the same way. Again, he nods. We part ways and I take a side in the passenger seat, completely ignoring Matt's calling for me to come back over here because I don't have a note from a parent or guardian.


"C'mon." Gerard says gently, urging me to slam the door shut so he can get me out of here only to put me in someplace worse. I don't know how I'll get out of this with my parents, but at the moment, none of that even matters.


"Thank you." is all I can really say, and at this point, it's really the only statement necessary as we pull away from the church and into traffic.