Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Invincible
-If you want to, I can save you.-
**
It was like the morning after a bad night of drinking with a group of idiots, urging your drunken body to do things your drunken mind will agree with. My entire head was on the urge of exploding, and I disturbingly envisioned the Alien movies, if the alien’s popped out of your head instead of your stomach.
Wait! Did I pass out? I only had until midnight with Gerard! How long had I slept? “Gerard?” I groggily opened my eyes, seeing nothing but a darkened room.
I heard a quiet knock on the door and froze, as confusion filled me. After a few minutes the knocking stopped and I stood, bringing myself to the closed door. I stood frozen in place for quite a while, too frightened to try to touch the doorknob. What if I was crazy, imagining everything? I couldn’t be dead and then be alive, could I? It seemed so real though! What if I had left Gerard in that in between land, in which he would be eternally lonely? The thought terrified me and I suddenly reached out, grabbing on to the doorknob. It stayed solid underneath my hand, turning quickly at my touch.
“Hello?” I called out, glancing down the familiar hallway. I was home. Where was Gerard though? “Hello?” This time I was louder and the word was much more forced, causing friction in my throat.
“Spencer, you finally woke up!” Lily’s loud voice startled me and I jumped back in surprise as she stepped forward to hug me. She took no notice, simply moving further to hug me tightly. “How do you feel?”
I swallowed hard, “I have a headache… how long have I been asleep?” Was this really happening? I suddenly felt so on display. I had become used to seeing others without them being able to see me. To now be seen… felt obscene. My movements were tired and unreal. Everything felt so unreal, including the air that blew past my body. It was like I could feel everything but none of it felt right.
“Nearly two days.” Lily said, frowning. “I tried to bring you food but you wouldn’t wake up to eat. You got really sick.”
“What is the date?” My throat felt dry and restricted. I didn’t even pay attention to the strange look that appeared on Lily’s face at my question.
“December 13th.” Lily answered hesitantly, wrinkling her nose.
“The year?” I needed to know.
“You’re scaring me Spencer.” Lily answered, glancing around as if looking for outside help.
“What is the year?”
“2011.” I would have already died had things gone according to plan.
“I have to go.” I turned away but Lily grabbed on to my wrist, once again startling. Human contact didn’t feel as it did long ago, or what felt like long ago.
“Where are you going?” Lily asked, sounding frightened for my mental state. She couldn’t understand and I couldn’t explain, for fear of actually being committed to a mental institution. This had to qualify for insanity.
“I just- I have to go see a friend.” He has to be here. I have to be crazy. None of this ever happened. It didn’t make sense anyway. Why would fate give us a second chance? There had to be things more important than us. Why even take the time to fix our mistakes?
Lily let go, though she did hesitate. “Be careful.” She finally said, stepping away.
I’d missed her. It felt as if I’d been gone forever and I was looking at her with brand new eyes. She looked older, more grown up. It was as if the tragedy of what had happened had aged her, but she couldn’t remember the tragedy itself.
The air outside was warm, partially shocking my frozen body. I wondered if maybe that was a side effect of being dead but apparently I hadn’t been dead… only sick. That was a whole other reason as to why I doubted my sanity at the moment. ‘Sick’ sounded a lot more like crazy, and a lot less like nauseous with the possibility of recovering.
The way to Gerard’s house was littered with teenagers, wasting their time in the most tragic ways. Suddenly so many possibilities appeared in my mind and I had to wonder why I’d never seen any of them before. My life had revolved around romance; I’d simply tuned out anything that wasn’t related to Gerard.
Maybe I had been holding Gerard back. Had I been closing his mind to all of the roads his talent could take him down? Was that why fate gave us another shot? It wasn’t because of me; it’d never been about me… All along it had been about Gerard and all of the things he never had the chance to do because of me, and the guilt he felt over what he’d done.
I had always known that Gerard meant something but I never thought of all the other people in the world that he could mean something to. I was too selfish.
My knuckles against the hard door woke me up, but only a little. I was still gasping for air, unaware of the fact that I needed it so desperately. When had I stopped breathing?
When had I picked the habit back up?
“Hey Spencer, what’s up?” Mikey met me at the door, smiling widely at my arrival. His smile died within seconds however. “You probably shouldn’t be here. Did you want to go somewhere else and hang out?”
“Why can’t I be here?” What had happened? This world was different. I didn’t know what was happening in my own life anymore.
Mikey sighed, “Gerard is still upset that you turned him down. He took it pretty hard.” I turned Gerard down?
“What?” I couldn’t help but sound confused.
“Remember, he asked you out? Don’t feel bad about it. It’s understandable. Not everyone wants to… date him.” Mikey shrugged, as if uncomfortable with the conversation. “I’m heading to the pizza place though. Want to come along?”
“No, no that’s okay. I’m just going to talk to Gerard for a few minutes, if that’s okay.” So, in this life Gerard and I were not together. The idea of hurting him still hurt me though and I hoped that I hadn’t let him down too hard. I couldn’t remember it this way. I remembered when he asked me out and I said yes. I remembered being madly in love with him. This new world was completely different and I didn’t like it but if we both survived in the end then it wasn’t like I could complain.
“Sure.” Mikey awkwardly traded places with me but once I was standing in the doorway he gave me a look that I couldn’t explain. It was… different. It wasn’t like we were friends anymore. No, this look was different.
“Are you okay Spencer?” Mikey finally asked, after seeming to think it over for quite a while.
“Yeah… why wouldn’t I be?” My breath caught and I wondered if I’d ever pass for normal again.
“I can just see that you still feel guilty and I don’t want you to.” Mikey leaned forward but I leaned away, “What?” He asked immediately, furrowing his eyebrows.
“I- what?” I was so thoroughly confused. Was Mikey about to kiss me? I couldn’t even bring myself to ask him.
Mikey sighed and leaned in again. This time I stayed in place, jumping only slightly as his lips met mine. The kiss was a small shock to my system and it felt so wrong. I was still in love with Gerard! I could never not be in love with him. No matter what was going on in my life I would always love Gerard. I was slowly figuring out that loving Gerard was my sacrifice in this deal. Once Mikey pulled away he was smiling, “Don’t feel guilty that you’re with me and not Gerard. In this world there are always going to be hurt feelings. You have to do what you want, and watch out for yourself. Things will work out for Gerard but he’s going to have to figure things out on his own, and watch out for himself. That’s how things work out Spencer.”
I just nodded, watching as Mikey walked away.
I stood like that for a while, paying attention to nothing.
I wasn’t sure what finally snapped me out of my trance but eventually I found myself walking to Gerard’s room, as I get closer I heard the music playing from below. It was heavy and dark, just how Gerard used to be. When we got together originally I had never gotten it in to my head that I would change him; that just happened. I only wanted him to be safe and I could see that the darkness within him was starting to emerge, swallowing him whole. He had never really changed actually; he had simply learned to control that darkness. It didn’t eat at him as badly after a while.
“Gerard?” I called out his name timidly before pulling open his bedroom door, which led down to the basement. I’d never before felt so nervous when it came to Gerard. Gerard, the man I loved. Gerard had always been safety for me. I’d run to him, not away from him. Why were my palms getting so sweaty and why was my voice giving out? I wasn’t a fool. I hadn’t expected a reply. After all, my voice was at a volume that couldn’t even be heard over his music. I couldn’t seem to work anymore words out of my throat though so instead I opened the door and decided it was time to walk down the stairs and face the person I’d never again be able to call mine.
The stairs creaked under my feet. I couldn’t really hear it but I sure could feel it, with every step I took. The music was sinking through my skin, igniting fire upon my nerves. I wanted to turn away and run, as far and as fast as I could. Oh, how different things were. The despair was enough to kill me all over again.
My thoughts echoed Gerard’s name but I still couldn’t make any noise come from my lips. Where was he? I glanced around his room, finding it to be in its normal messy state. At least that hadn’t changed. I couldn’t help but smile at that. My smile quickly dropped from my lips however, sliding off of my face. “Gerard!” The panic in my tone couldn’t even begin to relay how I felt in that moment.
I saw the blood before I saw Gerard. There was a lot of blood. How could there be so much blood? Next my eyes became glued to the razor he’d used to inflict the wounds across his wrists, the wrists I couldn’t bear to look at.
“Hey, it’ll be okay. It’s going to be okay.” The words were only spoken to soothe my own fears. I couldn’t find my cell phone. Where was Gerard’s?
My hands were shaking so badly that I knocked a series of items off of his desk in an attempt to grab on to his cell phone. 911 was harder to dial than one would ever think, when my fingers couldn’t seem to stop hitting every other button first.
Why was this happening? He was supposed to be safe! Wasn’t that the choice we were given? Gerard or I and I chose Gerard! He was supposed to live! “What kind of trick is this?” I asked, raising my voice. I was basically screaming but it didn’t seem like it, with the music playing in the background.
The operator’s calm voice made me shake even harder. How could she be so calm, taking such horrible phone calls? “I need help.” I choked out. “I need help right now!” Gerard’s address came from my lips, without me even thinking.
She wanted to stay on the phone. She wanted me to check his pulse. She wanted to know if he was alive. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t listen to her calm voice for another goddamn second. I couldn’t hold his wrist. I couldn’t feel his dried blood underneath my fingers. I couldn’t touch his neck for fear that there wouldn’t be a pulse…
I sat down beside Gerard, gently brushing his black hair from his ghostly pale face. “It’s going to be okay baby. It has to be okay.” I glanced towards the ceiling, feeling anger rise within me. “I made a deal with the fucking devil and I’ll die a million deaths just for you to be okay.” I was supposed to die, wasn’t that it? I didn’t understand the sacrifice at first. It wasn’t stay dead but instead die again but that changed nothing for me. I would do anything for Gerard. It might not be something so heavenly that waited for me but I didn’t care. I’d made my choice and my mind would never change, not about this.
I heard the sirens but I didn’t move. I watched as they cared for Gerard’s body. I knew he’d be okay. He had to be okay. He had a destiny and he would fulfill it.
I moved past them like a ghost, though I wasn’t one just yet.
I could see the tragedy in my choice now for I was slowly falling apart watching Gerard fall apart and I only had a small amount of time to stop him from dying, despite my sacrifice.
**
“He wanted to talk to you.” Mikey quietly said, sitting beside me.
The hospital chairs were uncomfortable but it seemed a lot more uncomfortable to speak to Gerard, when I wasn’t sure of what to say without crossing the invisible line we had between us.
Still I stood and attempted to make an impact while I still had the chance. Gerard seemed small in the hospital bed. His wrists were heavily bandaged and he was lacking color more than usual, which was saying something.
“Hey, heard you saved me.” He smiled, though the smile lacked actual happiness. “Now, why’d you have to go and do something stupid like that?”
I sighed and moved closer to his hospital bed, hating how far apart we were emotionally. “I’m sorry.”
He seemed surprised, “You’re forgiven, I guess. Next time just let me bleed out though, okay?”
I shook my head, finally making eye contact with him. “I’m not apologizing for saving you and I never will you idiot.” He flinched as if I’d hit him, when instead I’d simply decided to be straight forward with him. He was being an idiot. “I’m apologizing for how you feel, since clearly you aren’t happy.”
“That’s not your fault.” Gerard whispered. “I just… there is one thing that everyone wants, at least one thing. I want the will to live but I don’t have it. I just don’t want to be here anymore even though I want to want to be here.” He laughed; it was a bitterly toxic noise. “I’m assuming that made no sense to you because it made little sense to me in the way that I said it.”
I just nodded, biting my lip. I knew what he meant but I didn’t know how to save him from feeling like that. Something like that filled your entire being, causing you to die without really being dead. Who wanted to be dead while they were alive? I couldn’t stand him truly dying though and I knew he wasn’t completely dead inside yet. There was still hope.
Gerard sat up in bed, sighing when he finally seemed to get comfortable. “What’s your one thing? What do you want in this world, more than anything else?”
That was the easiest question I’d ever been asked. “I just want you to be safe.”
Gerard paused before responding, “You don’t even know me so why do you seem to care so much about me?”
“I know enough to know that you deserve to live. Just give life a chance. I promise that someday you will do something to make all of this suffering worth it.” Tears caught and began to build in my eyes, “I don’t want you to have to suffer but sometimes that’s what it takes for great things to happen. You’re great. Just wait, you’ll find that you have a lot more to live for than you ever thought.”
Gerard didn’t say anything as he thought my words over. That was okay. I was beginning to feel weak. It was as if my bones had aged greatly in the small period I’d been alive and I couldn’t seem to move quite so easily anymore. I found my way to the chair beside Gerard’s bed and yawned instinctively. “Are you tired?” Gerard asked, glancing at me.
“Yeah, I am.”
“Come here.” Gerard scooted over slightly, patting the hospital bed.
I looked at him as if he were insane. The hospital bed was small enough for just one person but two? That seemed incredibly uncomfortable. “Come on. I promise I won’t try anything. I get that you’re with Mikey, and I totally respect that.”
It hurt to hear that come from his lips when instead I wanted him to say he loved me. I wanted to tell him that I loved him but now I was playing a different role. I couldn’t tell him how I truly felt.
The movement was hard on my suddenly fragile body but I made it in to bed and then Gerard threw the light blanket over us. It was a lot more comfortable than I’d expected. I could only hold on for a few seconds. I heard a quiet ‘thank you’ come from Gerard and then I was drifting off.
I died ten minutes later.
I died peacefully, in my sleep. I didn’t stick around to hear the shock or feel the grief of those around me. I did know that Gerard took my words to heart and though I couldn’t leave him with my parting love I still got the chance to leave him with something, life.
As I died I was no longer afraid of what love had given me. More importantly; I was no longer afraid of what love had taken from me.
**
It was like the morning after a bad night of drinking with a group of idiots, urging your drunken body to do things your drunken mind will agree with. My entire head was on the urge of exploding, and I disturbingly envisioned the Alien movies, if the alien’s popped out of your head instead of your stomach.
Wait! Did I pass out? I only had until midnight with Gerard! How long had I slept? “Gerard?” I groggily opened my eyes, seeing nothing but a darkened room.
I heard a quiet knock on the door and froze, as confusion filled me. After a few minutes the knocking stopped and I stood, bringing myself to the closed door. I stood frozen in place for quite a while, too frightened to try to touch the doorknob. What if I was crazy, imagining everything? I couldn’t be dead and then be alive, could I? It seemed so real though! What if I had left Gerard in that in between land, in which he would be eternally lonely? The thought terrified me and I suddenly reached out, grabbing on to the doorknob. It stayed solid underneath my hand, turning quickly at my touch.
“Hello?” I called out, glancing down the familiar hallway. I was home. Where was Gerard though? “Hello?” This time I was louder and the word was much more forced, causing friction in my throat.
“Spencer, you finally woke up!” Lily’s loud voice startled me and I jumped back in surprise as she stepped forward to hug me. She took no notice, simply moving further to hug me tightly. “How do you feel?”
I swallowed hard, “I have a headache… how long have I been asleep?” Was this really happening? I suddenly felt so on display. I had become used to seeing others without them being able to see me. To now be seen… felt obscene. My movements were tired and unreal. Everything felt so unreal, including the air that blew past my body. It was like I could feel everything but none of it felt right.
“Nearly two days.” Lily said, frowning. “I tried to bring you food but you wouldn’t wake up to eat. You got really sick.”
“What is the date?” My throat felt dry and restricted. I didn’t even pay attention to the strange look that appeared on Lily’s face at my question.
“December 13th.” Lily answered hesitantly, wrinkling her nose.
“The year?” I needed to know.
“You’re scaring me Spencer.” Lily answered, glancing around as if looking for outside help.
“What is the year?”
“2011.” I would have already died had things gone according to plan.
“I have to go.” I turned away but Lily grabbed on to my wrist, once again startling. Human contact didn’t feel as it did long ago, or what felt like long ago.
“Where are you going?” Lily asked, sounding frightened for my mental state. She couldn’t understand and I couldn’t explain, for fear of actually being committed to a mental institution. This had to qualify for insanity.
“I just- I have to go see a friend.” He has to be here. I have to be crazy. None of this ever happened. It didn’t make sense anyway. Why would fate give us a second chance? There had to be things more important than us. Why even take the time to fix our mistakes?
Lily let go, though she did hesitate. “Be careful.” She finally said, stepping away.
I’d missed her. It felt as if I’d been gone forever and I was looking at her with brand new eyes. She looked older, more grown up. It was as if the tragedy of what had happened had aged her, but she couldn’t remember the tragedy itself.
The air outside was warm, partially shocking my frozen body. I wondered if maybe that was a side effect of being dead but apparently I hadn’t been dead… only sick. That was a whole other reason as to why I doubted my sanity at the moment. ‘Sick’ sounded a lot more like crazy, and a lot less like nauseous with the possibility of recovering.
The way to Gerard’s house was littered with teenagers, wasting their time in the most tragic ways. Suddenly so many possibilities appeared in my mind and I had to wonder why I’d never seen any of them before. My life had revolved around romance; I’d simply tuned out anything that wasn’t related to Gerard.
Maybe I had been holding Gerard back. Had I been closing his mind to all of the roads his talent could take him down? Was that why fate gave us another shot? It wasn’t because of me; it’d never been about me… All along it had been about Gerard and all of the things he never had the chance to do because of me, and the guilt he felt over what he’d done.
I had always known that Gerard meant something but I never thought of all the other people in the world that he could mean something to. I was too selfish.
My knuckles against the hard door woke me up, but only a little. I was still gasping for air, unaware of the fact that I needed it so desperately. When had I stopped breathing?
When had I picked the habit back up?
“Hey Spencer, what’s up?” Mikey met me at the door, smiling widely at my arrival. His smile died within seconds however. “You probably shouldn’t be here. Did you want to go somewhere else and hang out?”
“Why can’t I be here?” What had happened? This world was different. I didn’t know what was happening in my own life anymore.
Mikey sighed, “Gerard is still upset that you turned him down. He took it pretty hard.” I turned Gerard down?
“What?” I couldn’t help but sound confused.
“Remember, he asked you out? Don’t feel bad about it. It’s understandable. Not everyone wants to… date him.” Mikey shrugged, as if uncomfortable with the conversation. “I’m heading to the pizza place though. Want to come along?”
“No, no that’s okay. I’m just going to talk to Gerard for a few minutes, if that’s okay.” So, in this life Gerard and I were not together. The idea of hurting him still hurt me though and I hoped that I hadn’t let him down too hard. I couldn’t remember it this way. I remembered when he asked me out and I said yes. I remembered being madly in love with him. This new world was completely different and I didn’t like it but if we both survived in the end then it wasn’t like I could complain.
“Sure.” Mikey awkwardly traded places with me but once I was standing in the doorway he gave me a look that I couldn’t explain. It was… different. It wasn’t like we were friends anymore. No, this look was different.
“Are you okay Spencer?” Mikey finally asked, after seeming to think it over for quite a while.
“Yeah… why wouldn’t I be?” My breath caught and I wondered if I’d ever pass for normal again.
“I can just see that you still feel guilty and I don’t want you to.” Mikey leaned forward but I leaned away, “What?” He asked immediately, furrowing his eyebrows.
“I- what?” I was so thoroughly confused. Was Mikey about to kiss me? I couldn’t even bring myself to ask him.
Mikey sighed and leaned in again. This time I stayed in place, jumping only slightly as his lips met mine. The kiss was a small shock to my system and it felt so wrong. I was still in love with Gerard! I could never not be in love with him. No matter what was going on in my life I would always love Gerard. I was slowly figuring out that loving Gerard was my sacrifice in this deal. Once Mikey pulled away he was smiling, “Don’t feel guilty that you’re with me and not Gerard. In this world there are always going to be hurt feelings. You have to do what you want, and watch out for yourself. Things will work out for Gerard but he’s going to have to figure things out on his own, and watch out for himself. That’s how things work out Spencer.”
I just nodded, watching as Mikey walked away.
I stood like that for a while, paying attention to nothing.
I wasn’t sure what finally snapped me out of my trance but eventually I found myself walking to Gerard’s room, as I get closer I heard the music playing from below. It was heavy and dark, just how Gerard used to be. When we got together originally I had never gotten it in to my head that I would change him; that just happened. I only wanted him to be safe and I could see that the darkness within him was starting to emerge, swallowing him whole. He had never really changed actually; he had simply learned to control that darkness. It didn’t eat at him as badly after a while.
“Gerard?” I called out his name timidly before pulling open his bedroom door, which led down to the basement. I’d never before felt so nervous when it came to Gerard. Gerard, the man I loved. Gerard had always been safety for me. I’d run to him, not away from him. Why were my palms getting so sweaty and why was my voice giving out? I wasn’t a fool. I hadn’t expected a reply. After all, my voice was at a volume that couldn’t even be heard over his music. I couldn’t seem to work anymore words out of my throat though so instead I opened the door and decided it was time to walk down the stairs and face the person I’d never again be able to call mine.
The stairs creaked under my feet. I couldn’t really hear it but I sure could feel it, with every step I took. The music was sinking through my skin, igniting fire upon my nerves. I wanted to turn away and run, as far and as fast as I could. Oh, how different things were. The despair was enough to kill me all over again.
My thoughts echoed Gerard’s name but I still couldn’t make any noise come from my lips. Where was he? I glanced around his room, finding it to be in its normal messy state. At least that hadn’t changed. I couldn’t help but smile at that. My smile quickly dropped from my lips however, sliding off of my face. “Gerard!” The panic in my tone couldn’t even begin to relay how I felt in that moment.
I saw the blood before I saw Gerard. There was a lot of blood. How could there be so much blood? Next my eyes became glued to the razor he’d used to inflict the wounds across his wrists, the wrists I couldn’t bear to look at.
“Hey, it’ll be okay. It’s going to be okay.” The words were only spoken to soothe my own fears. I couldn’t find my cell phone. Where was Gerard’s?
My hands were shaking so badly that I knocked a series of items off of his desk in an attempt to grab on to his cell phone. 911 was harder to dial than one would ever think, when my fingers couldn’t seem to stop hitting every other button first.
Why was this happening? He was supposed to be safe! Wasn’t that the choice we were given? Gerard or I and I chose Gerard! He was supposed to live! “What kind of trick is this?” I asked, raising my voice. I was basically screaming but it didn’t seem like it, with the music playing in the background.
The operator’s calm voice made me shake even harder. How could she be so calm, taking such horrible phone calls? “I need help.” I choked out. “I need help right now!” Gerard’s address came from my lips, without me even thinking.
She wanted to stay on the phone. She wanted me to check his pulse. She wanted to know if he was alive. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t listen to her calm voice for another goddamn second. I couldn’t hold his wrist. I couldn’t feel his dried blood underneath my fingers. I couldn’t touch his neck for fear that there wouldn’t be a pulse…
I sat down beside Gerard, gently brushing his black hair from his ghostly pale face. “It’s going to be okay baby. It has to be okay.” I glanced towards the ceiling, feeling anger rise within me. “I made a deal with the fucking devil and I’ll die a million deaths just for you to be okay.” I was supposed to die, wasn’t that it? I didn’t understand the sacrifice at first. It wasn’t stay dead but instead die again but that changed nothing for me. I would do anything for Gerard. It might not be something so heavenly that waited for me but I didn’t care. I’d made my choice and my mind would never change, not about this.
I heard the sirens but I didn’t move. I watched as they cared for Gerard’s body. I knew he’d be okay. He had to be okay. He had a destiny and he would fulfill it.
I moved past them like a ghost, though I wasn’t one just yet.
I could see the tragedy in my choice now for I was slowly falling apart watching Gerard fall apart and I only had a small amount of time to stop him from dying, despite my sacrifice.
**
“He wanted to talk to you.” Mikey quietly said, sitting beside me.
The hospital chairs were uncomfortable but it seemed a lot more uncomfortable to speak to Gerard, when I wasn’t sure of what to say without crossing the invisible line we had between us.
Still I stood and attempted to make an impact while I still had the chance. Gerard seemed small in the hospital bed. His wrists were heavily bandaged and he was lacking color more than usual, which was saying something.
“Hey, heard you saved me.” He smiled, though the smile lacked actual happiness. “Now, why’d you have to go and do something stupid like that?”
I sighed and moved closer to his hospital bed, hating how far apart we were emotionally. “I’m sorry.”
He seemed surprised, “You’re forgiven, I guess. Next time just let me bleed out though, okay?”
I shook my head, finally making eye contact with him. “I’m not apologizing for saving you and I never will you idiot.” He flinched as if I’d hit him, when instead I’d simply decided to be straight forward with him. He was being an idiot. “I’m apologizing for how you feel, since clearly you aren’t happy.”
“That’s not your fault.” Gerard whispered. “I just… there is one thing that everyone wants, at least one thing. I want the will to live but I don’t have it. I just don’t want to be here anymore even though I want to want to be here.” He laughed; it was a bitterly toxic noise. “I’m assuming that made no sense to you because it made little sense to me in the way that I said it.”
I just nodded, biting my lip. I knew what he meant but I didn’t know how to save him from feeling like that. Something like that filled your entire being, causing you to die without really being dead. Who wanted to be dead while they were alive? I couldn’t stand him truly dying though and I knew he wasn’t completely dead inside yet. There was still hope.
Gerard sat up in bed, sighing when he finally seemed to get comfortable. “What’s your one thing? What do you want in this world, more than anything else?”
That was the easiest question I’d ever been asked. “I just want you to be safe.”
Gerard paused before responding, “You don’t even know me so why do you seem to care so much about me?”
“I know enough to know that you deserve to live. Just give life a chance. I promise that someday you will do something to make all of this suffering worth it.” Tears caught and began to build in my eyes, “I don’t want you to have to suffer but sometimes that’s what it takes for great things to happen. You’re great. Just wait, you’ll find that you have a lot more to live for than you ever thought.”
Gerard didn’t say anything as he thought my words over. That was okay. I was beginning to feel weak. It was as if my bones had aged greatly in the small period I’d been alive and I couldn’t seem to move quite so easily anymore. I found my way to the chair beside Gerard’s bed and yawned instinctively. “Are you tired?” Gerard asked, glancing at me.
“Yeah, I am.”
“Come here.” Gerard scooted over slightly, patting the hospital bed.
I looked at him as if he were insane. The hospital bed was small enough for just one person but two? That seemed incredibly uncomfortable. “Come on. I promise I won’t try anything. I get that you’re with Mikey, and I totally respect that.”
It hurt to hear that come from his lips when instead I wanted him to say he loved me. I wanted to tell him that I loved him but now I was playing a different role. I couldn’t tell him how I truly felt.
The movement was hard on my suddenly fragile body but I made it in to bed and then Gerard threw the light blanket over us. It was a lot more comfortable than I’d expected. I could only hold on for a few seconds. I heard a quiet ‘thank you’ come from Gerard and then I was drifting off.
I died ten minutes later.
I died peacefully, in my sleep. I didn’t stick around to hear the shock or feel the grief of those around me. I did know that Gerard took my words to heart and though I couldn’t leave him with my parting love I still got the chance to leave him with something, life.
As I died I was no longer afraid of what love had given me. More importantly; I was no longer afraid of what love had taken from me.
Sign up to rate and review this story