Categories > Cartoons > Class of the Titans > Atlanta IN TROBLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reviews
Atlanta IN TROBLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(#) Pheonee 2006-07-12
Why not try describing Jay's death a little more...Rather than the illiterate, empty description why not try:
~"Jay," Cronus hissed, his voice dripping with hate and evil. "It has been too long. You have evaded me enough...now it is finally time for my revenge..." And with that, with anger gleaming from his blood-red eyes, he brought his arm forward, sending his scythe flying at Jay.
Jay saw it coming, saw the gleam of the golden blade, saw death swooping toward him...
Felt the point of the curved blade strike him in the chest.
His scream was heard for miles around, a heart-shattering, chilling scream of pain and loss. Blood poured from the gaping wound, hot, red blood, symbol of life, gushing out, down his chest and belly, onto the grimy floor. A sensation that was much beyond pain spread from the wound, clouding his brain and numbing his limbs. He could feel the hot blood dripping down his body, bubbling from the corners of the mouth...and with it, his life.
He eyes rolled back into his head. he coudln't see, his world was red and black and a curious, deeply wounding green...And in those few last moments when he still clung to life, an image of a girl formed. A ginger-haired, green-eyed beauty.
Theresa.
There wasn't anything he could do. Already he was too weak to breathe, and each breath pained him. His viens ran dry, thirsty for the life-supporting blood to fill them again. His heart worked frantically, but to no avail. His shirt was stained a deep, dark red, the floor underneath him ran like a scarlet ocean. And through it all, pain...relief...sadness...anger...
...Love.
"Goodbye, Theresa," he manage a whisper, even as his lips dripped blood. "Goodbye, my friends. Goodbye oh cruel world..." he took one last, shuddering breath, and laid still, but his bloodstained lips manage one last sentence.
"I love you, Theresa."
And with that, his body went limp, his blood ran cold, his heart stopped beating. His love for Theresa was no more.
Jay, leader of the Titans, desendant of the lengendary Jason, was no more.~
See how much better it would be if you put it in that format?Author's response
WOW THAT WAS DEEP AND DARK LOLAtlanta IN TROBLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(#) Pheonee 2006-07-12
Lol. =) But see what I mean? Character deaths need to be describes better.Author's response
Thanks
Sign up to review this story.