FicWad

Frank POV

It was a cold jersey morning, the icy breeze making my cheeks, hands and nose uncomfortably numb, compared to the warmth and security of Gee’s bed. Cold pellets of rain kept splashing in my face; dampening my clothes and making the small wind appear harsh.

A thin mist had developed over night, making me a little bit shiftier. My shadow was faint but still noticeable, it was hunched, and looked small, skinny, I didn’t like the way it looked. I use to hate shadows when I was little. The way they were always there, mutating your body shape, giving you a glimpse of the how your body can twist and make you look mutilated. Abnormal. I swallowed heavily.

I briskly walked to my road, and stood outside my house staring, hoping to God he had gone work…I took my sweet time walking down the drive, my eyes not moving from the chipped pebbles layered on the ground.

My house looked like the typical Jersey house. Normal. But when you looked closely, there was an eerie edge to it, something that made you squirm and shuffle on your feet. The front garden looked like everyone else’s. Green. Untrimmed bushes but not enough to make it look messy or unmaintained.

However, there was something the way our hedges looked that made it look different from everyone else, the leaves were brown and decaying, rotting slowly and falling swiftly to the ground whenever the wind picked up.

The grass was also rain soaked, but it seemed more than the other gardens, as if something heavy was lying on top of it for weeks. An empty can or two discarded on it, and cigeratte ends dotted around, soaking up the moisture and unravelling unappealingly.

I wasn’t ready to face my Dad yet.

I was still getting over what Gerard did.

I knew it was the alcohol speaking, and not him, but it just reminded me of the venomous hate my Dad has for me. I didn’t want to see another person I loved turning in something bad…

Did I just say I loved him? It can’t be love; I don’t even know him too well…

I dropped my bag on the porch, and then daintily sat on top of it, to avoid my trousers becoming wet. I pulled my tin out of my coat pocket, expecting the cool metal to bite my hands. Instead, my hand clasped itself around cardboard. Confused I pulled the packaging out.

Marlboro Red. I never smoke straights…Oh shit these must be Gerard’s. Even thinking about his name gives me shivers. I closed my eyes and shakily took a cigeratte out, then opened them, my pupils straining from the glow of the sun through the fog.

Looking down I notice small neat italic writing on the length of the cigeratte saying ‘From the earth to the morgue’, Intrigued and slightly scared, I pulled out the rest, and read each one.

‘I’ll let you know just how much you mean to me’
‘From the lights to the pavement’
‘There’s a corpse in this bed’
‘I’m not okay, trust me’
‘But does anyone notice? But does anyone care?’
‘Singing songs that make you slit your wrists’
‘A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full’
‘From the earth to the morgue’
‘But does anything matter if you’re already dead?’
‘Fire at will’
‘So long and goodnight’



What the fuck does this mean? Does it even mean anything? What if…what if this is a plan...of his suicide… No, no I can’t think like that, but it makes sense. Mikey says he’s been so withdrawn, quiet. He self harms and drinks and takes drugs. But he seems almost content in what he’s doing, almost tranquil.

I needed to help him. This is dangerous. His mind seems like a very dangerous place to be. For someone who is suicidal he sure is very calm, almost like he thinks it’s romantic or something.

I decided I wasn’t going to smoke his fags, I decided I was going to note down what all of the writing says, and give them back to Gee. I’m going to observe him very closely. I’m going to save his life.

Gerard POV

I woke up with an extremely bad hangover and a note, a note written in messy writing, probably my Mother.


Be back in a few hours, have to do a few errands with Mikey. Food in the fridge, please take your medication honey. I love you. Mom xox

Cute. I’m guessing I’m back on the pills again, I swear they’re the bane of my existence. Anti-depressants strip away anything which makes you an individual. It makes you feel like a zombie, like the walking dead. I hate feeling like you’re just drifting through life.

I need danger.
I need liquor.

No. That’s it. No more liquor. I can’t do it anymore; I can’t destroy myself and drag Mikey and Mom with me. I have to destroy myself without them knowing, do it secretly. Then I’ll be gone, and they wouldn’t have to worry about an 18 year old drunk.

I decided to start my new objective with a strong black coffee and a cigeratte. Reaching into my pocket I pulled out a tin decorated with random band stickers. I opened it and realized it was Frankie’s roll ups. Shit Frankie…I made him cry…I hit him.

Swallowing the contents of my mug in one go I hurriedly threw my leather jacket on and chucked on my shoes. I started running down the street, forgetting that my hair was sticking up in every angle imaginable and I looked like a crazed maniac.

Oh fuck.

I have no idea where he lives.

Halting to a stop I mentally slapped myself for being a moose. My heart was pounding in my chest and the rain had chilled me to the bone. Stupid Jersey. I turned around on the spot and started to walk back towards my house, picking up the pace as the wind howled.

‘Gerard? Gerard is that you? Wait up!’

My eyes focused to the faint noise, then a small hunched up figure was hurtling towards me at full speed.

‘Here are your Marlboro Red cigarettes sir.’ Frankie said going crossed eyes, putting on a really shit British accent.

‘Erm…thanks’ I whispered, the corner of my lips curling into a smile. ‘Here is your tin.’

‘Thank you’.

The air between us was suddenly awkward, and I needed to redeem myself before the situation worsened.

‘About this morning Frankie, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean t- I didn’t mean anything I said.’ I felt so ashamed.

‘It’s okay Gerard, I understand.’ I looked up through my black fringe and Frankie’s face was filled with sympathy and understanding.

‘Please let me make it up too you. Come round mine and I’ll make you coffee…and give you skittles.’ I invited. His eyes looked so innocent, like a child’s, that’s why I thought he’d appreciate the skittles.

‘Okay!’ He screamed excitedly, elevating slightly on his toes like a little girl and clapping his hands like a deranged seal.

I knew he would appreciate the skittles.

I gestured to the left of me and Frankie stood there, and we quickly walked in silence to my house, our clothes sodden from the rain.

‘How do you like your coffee?’ I asked, trying to be polite and not like the stubborn arrogant fuck like I usually am.

I have to trick them all you see. I’m going to make them believe the pills are working and I’m okay. They’ll all go back to their everyday lives in peace, and then I’ll kill myself.

In a hail of bullets.

‘Milky and 5 sugars please!’ Frankie squeaked, how many sugars, surely that boy does not know the dangers of tooth decay.

Nodding I flicked on the stereo and popped one of the many The Misfits albums in, and left Frankie to drown in music whilst I went to get the coffee.

Opening up my packet of cigarettes I made sure my plan was still there.

You see, I’ve devised a plan to make my suicide flawless. I’ve written on the side of my fags my favourite lyrics I have ever written. Simple, yet they mean a lot to me, and make sense. They will keep me on track on what I’m doing.

‘I’ll let you know just how much you mean to me’ = Plan 1.

This is the first part of my plan. I’m going to treat all my loved ones like angels, make them think the world of me and let them know how much I love them. Then they will think I’m okay and leave me be without looking over my shoulder all the time.

I don’t want to commit suicide and leave them with the opinion that I didn’t love them, that wouldn’t be fair.

They deserve all the love in the world.

Let it begin.

Frank POV

I was shivering, it was so fucking cold, and I’m so glad Gerard said sorry and invited me round, this way I could find out what’s really happening.

I have a feeling on what he’s going to do. He’s going to pretend it’s all okay, get everyone to stop making sure he is okay, then he’s going to do something stupid, and I see right through him, I have the same trail of thought sometimes, I just don’t act upon it.

Gerard came back with two steaming mugs of coffee and a bag of skittles for me, and I gratefully took a sip and ripped open the packet. Gerard perched next to be on the couch and turned the stereo down.

‘How you finding Belleville High School then?’ He asked smiling, a fake smile at that.

Just go with it Frank.

‘Totally okay actually. There’s still the typical pricks, but I’m glad I’ve made friends, great ones at that’ I replied, equally as cheery.

Throw as many compliments as you can at him Frank, make sure he knows he is beautiful.

‘Wicked! It’s not a terrible school, until you decide to play fucking peter pan in your first year of a new school hey? I don’t know how cool this is that I got the part, because it’s normally played by a girl...’ He said, reminiscing.

I laughed softly and decided to throw another compliment.

‘I’ve heard you’re amazing at singing, Mikey said so. You seem very talented!’ I beamed, eyes wide, hoping for a positive reaction.

‘Erm…Not really, I’ve stopped, the kids at school can be mean’ He spoke quietly.

Shit shit maybe that was a bad choice…

‘Everyone is an asshole though right?’ I quickly replied.

Gerard eyes widened and looked right at me, full of regret and worry. Shit I didn’t mean he was an asshole! Oh fuck I need to get back on track…

‘HAND JOB!’ A small voice screamed suddenly.

What the fuck?

Why did I just scream that?!

‘Erm could I possibly borrow some gloves for the journey home, it’s very cold, you know gloves that will do the erm…the hand job’ I smiled, trying to regain my dignity, but failing to cover up my reddened cheeks.

‘Yeah sure...’ Gerard lifted an eyebrow and went down to his bedroom, before shortly reappearing with a pair of fingerless skeleton gloves.

‘You can smoke easier with these’ Gerard said, blushing and hiding behind his curtain of black hair.

‘Awesome thanks! I best be off, my Dad will be wondering where I am…’

I bet he will be wondering where I am.

‘You okay Frankie? You’ve gone really pale…’

‘Yeah I’m fine totally wicked ok thanks for everything see you at school good bye I love you!’ I burst out, stumbling over the leg of the couch on the way to the front door.

‘What did you just say?’ He asked, voice suspicious,

Fuck what did I just say…

FUCK THAT’S WHAT I SAID.

‘I said elephant juice.’ I mentally cursed myself, why do I always get weird in front of people I like…

‘Okay….Well I’ll see you probably tomorrow at school then, oh what’s your address? I’ll come get you in the morning if you want? I have a car.’

I quickly wrote down my address on a post it note and handed it to Gerard, his beautiful eyes making my heart flutter.

Blushing, I opened the front door and closed it behind me, leaning against the door and exhaling.

I need to get my act together…

Mikey POV

‘Mama, what do you think of Frank?’ I asked my mother in the car on the way back home.

‘Well sweetie I haven’t met him properly yet, but he seems lovely, very quirky. Quite good looking as well. Why do you ask?’ She replied, keeping her eyes on the road.

‘No reason Mama, I think he can help Gerard a bit, they seem to have got along well…Well before he got drunk.’ Frowning I looked out on the landscape outside the car.

It had stopped raining, and the sun’s rays were developing in brightness, struggling to break through the mist.

‘I wonder how Gerard is.’ I thought out loud.

‘He’ll be fine honey, he’s back on his medication, I think he’s going to get clean and stay clean this time, I have a feeling.’ She turned her head towards me and weakly smiled, warmth glowing in her eyes.

We finally arrived home, and as we parked they was a tint of nerves in the air. I was hoping Gerard was okay, I was hoping he was actually inside, and sober.

I helped Mama carry the shopping out of the boot as she was struggling to get the door unlocked. Then we got the shock of our lives.

Gerard was standing there, his hair neatly brushed, trimmed and styled, his eyes glistening as he gave us a pearly grin, waving to us, with yellow Marigolds on each hand. He was wearing an ironed black shirt buttoned up nearly to the top, his pale porcelain skin slightly showing. His eyes were rimmed lightly in black eye shadow and red eyeliner.

‘Evening! I cleaned the house, vacuumed, ironed and cooked spaghetti bolognas for you two!’ He said happily, his grin widening.

‘Oh Gerard…’ Mama gasped, tears brimming her eyes.

She dropped the shopping and ran up too Gerard, engulfing his skinny frame in a motherly hug. I couldn’t stop smiling, he’s getting better. He’s going to be fine!

‘It’s okay Mama, go put the kettle on and Mikes and I will put the shopping away.’ Gerard spoke softly, his voice genuine.

We both dragged the shopping into the kitchen and started putting everything away. A faint squeal came from the dining room as Mom was fangirling over how Gerard has polished the table and set the dinner plates out beautifully with candles.

I couldn’t help but smile.

Gerard POV

The three of us sat around the dining table, tucking into the dinner I cooked up. My plan was working; I’ve never seen us this happy. They deserve all the happiness in the world.

I, however, do not.

I lifted up my fork and started twirling pasta around on my fork. I hate eating…

‘Gerard darling, you going to eat?’ Mom said, looking worried.

‘Yeah of course! I’m just tired that’s all’ I smiled weakly at her, yawning.

Just eat Gerard it’s not going to hurt you.

I started shoving it down my throat, trying not to cry. I can’t let them know.

I realized I had been extremely quiet and withdrawn for the last 10 minutes, and Mom was starting to look worried.

‘You okay sweetie?’ She asked, her voice quivering.

‘Yeah Mama, I’m just tired, is it okay if I can go bed please?’ I asked sweetly, widening my eyes to keep the whole poor baby thing going on.

‘Of course honey, thank you for the meal, it was lovely.’ She smiled. She looked so happy, so relieved.

I don’t deserve her.

I sauntered out of the room, whistling loudly as I did, then legged it too the bathroom, locking the door.

Tears were pricking my eyes as I knelt down over the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat.

Fat fat fat fat, why the fuck did I eat?

Gagging, I threw up everything I just ate, the vomit burning my throat much like vodka did.

Coughing and wheezing, I flushed the toilet and stood up, going slightly light headed for a couple of seconds. I had eyeliner smudged all down my face, and my hair was scruffy again.

This is the real me.

The ugly fat misfit with no personality and no friends. The fake motherfucker who disappoints everyone, and drags everyone down with my pathetic excuse for a life.

‘Gee, are you okay?’ I heard Mikes whimper, lightly knocking at the door.

Panicking, I grasped the mouthwash and took a large swig, whilst simultaneously wetting the face cloth and wiping my eyeliner off.

‘W-wait a sec Mikes, just w-wiping my face.’ I stuttered. I was close to throwing up again.

Checking my face one more time I opened the door, to a smiling Mikey.

‘Gerard, I haven’t seen Mama so relaxed and happy in ages! I’m so lucky to have strong brother like you.’ He beamed, his eyes wide, cute as a button. He can’t have me as a role model, that’s just wrong.

Smiling slightly, I have him a tight well-needed hug, which we haven’t done in years. Ruffling his hair I walked towards my bedroom, walking down the dark stairwell. I opened the door and locked myself in, then flopped down on my bed.

All this not being me is exhausting.

Frank POV

My Dad wasn’t in when I arrived home. He was either out getting wasted or at work until late. I didn’t really care.

I needed to clear my head; the past two days have been a blur.

Feeling under my bed I grabbed Pansy and started playing, the music flowing so easily.

Music is my life. It’s the way the lyrics can reach out to everyone, even when you feel so fucking lonely, you feel like other people have the same problems. I love the way the music overtakes my body, protecting me from the cruel world.

I felt like myself again.

I was so lost in a sweet melody I didn’t hear the front door open, and was alarmed when I heard shouting downstairs. I heard heavy slow footsteps escalating up the stairs. I froze, terrified.

Fuck my Dad.

I blinked back the tears, I needed to concentrate.

I sat crossed legged on top of my bed, trying to control my heavy breathing. The footsteps halted at the front of my door, and I could hear shuffling. The door slammed open, knocking my comics off the shelf and making me shudder.

Shit my guitar! I stole money to get that!

Fumbling with the neck of it I tried to swipe it under my bed before he realized. It was too fucking late.

‘You better have a good fucking explanation for your antics Frank’ He whispered darkly, whilst staggering over to my bed. He grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled my face towards his. He could barely look me in the eyes, he was so drunk…

‘Where the fuck have you been? You could have easily called me’ He coughed in my face, sneering. His tired grey eyes flickered over to Pansy.

‘Who paid for this guitar hey Frank? Having you been stealing from me again. You stupid motherfucker…’ I couldn’t breathe; I could hear my pulse in my head, loud and clear.

‘I gonna fuck you up big time’ He spat in my ear, the stench of vodka burning my face.

‘N-no…please don’t Dad, I’m so-‘

Throwing my trembling body on the floor he towered over me, and kicked me hard in my ribs, making me loose my breath and panic.

Wheezing, I squinted and glanced at my Dad. I didn’t know what do. He kicked me again hard in the face, and I heard something crunch. Tears brimmed my eyes and my nose was bleeding, my eye swelling. I tried to crawl away but I was getting dizzy and my Dad was too strong. He went to grab the scruff of my neck but something made him jolt and fall clumsily to the floor with a deep thud. Everything suddenly went quiet. All I could hear was my heart pounding, and my fast breathes.

My head jolted to the source of the noise and my Dad was passed out on the floor. My head started to spin and vision was blurred, I tried to get up but my arms gave way and I fell to the floor with a soft thud in comparison to my Dad. I could feel my eyes rolling into the back of my head

Fuck.

Gerard POV

I woke up in the morning, having surprisingly good nights sleep. Stretching my arms I went to reach for my normal bottle of liquor. I went to unscrew the cap then remembered my plan. I have to be subtle with this.

I flung myself out of bed and grabbed my rucksack, leaving the alcohol. I can drink later, I need to work on phase one of my plan first; I know being drunk will ruin everything for me.

I sloped upstairs to the kitchen in my skeleton onesie and was welcomed by a very happy Mikey.

‘Morning Gerard, you’re up early.’ He welcomed me, fumbling with a couple of mugs and putting the kettle on.

‘The early bird catches the worm.’ I chirped happily, sitting at the breakfast bar and flinging my feet onto the work service,

‘Gerard! Get your feet off the table.’ My mother laughed, ruffling my hair.

‘Yes Mama.’ I said obediently. This was working perfectly…

I opened the back door and sat on the small wall in my garden like normal, and smoked the cigeratte saying ‘I’ll let you know just how much you mean to me’.

Ooh this means I can start phase two of my plan soon. I smiled to myself, excitement building up.

My bubble was burst by a happy Mikey sitting next to me, holding a mug up to my face with my a pill in his trembling hands.

‘Mama said to take this now…’ He said quietly, scared of my reaction.

I smiled and chucked the pill down my throat, winking at Mikey. Finishing my cancer stick I jumped up as I remembered I was collecting Frankie from his house today.

Putting my mug in the sink I raced to my bedroom, and put on a black shirt and red tie, and my tightest pair of girl black skinnies and my red converses. I brushed my hair and waxed it into a styled bed head kind of way and smudged black eyeliner around my eyes, followed by pale foundation.

Swinging my rucksack over my shoulder and grabbing my car keys I told Mikey I was going, and told him to say bye to Mama for me.

I sat in the driver’s seat and looked around my car, feeling self conscience. I haven’t driven in ages, I haven’t been able too.

I knew where Frank’s house was, it’s right near the school. Following my instinct I managed to find my way to his house. His front door was open…

How strange…

I parked outside and walked down his unorganised drive, then peeped through the gap in the door.

It was deathly silent.

I knocked few time and waited several minutes, but the place seemed abanonded. Have I got the right place?

Gulping I walked in, and squeaked his name out slightly. The place looked like a tip… How could he live like this?

Breathing heavily I began to step up the stairs, ignoring the empty beer cans. Something caught my eye. A full bottle of vodka on the floor. I shook my head and pushed the thought to the back of my mind.

I was craving the buzz.

I saw an open door on the right, the door was covered in The Misfits stickers and what not, so I guessed that was Frankie’s room. I pushed the door open and it creaked ever so slightly.

All I saw were two shapes lying on the floor, totally still. One big, one small. The small one was Frankie.

‘Frank…’ I said, barely a whisper.

His face looked pretty fucked, and I guessed the other ruff looking man was his Dad. They looked like they had been in a scrap…

Then it clicked… his Dad must beat him up...

Why the fuck didn't he tell us?

I didn’t know how long his Dad would be out for, so I held Frankie in arms, pushing his hair out of his eye.

I knew what to do, he couldn’t go school like this.

‘Frankie lets get out of here’ I said, trying to stay strong. ‘Can you hear me Frank?’ He mumbled something back but it was inaudible.

My eyes shot around his room, my legs following in quick pursuit, as I flung a spare top, boxers, jeans and socks from his drawers into a rucksack, before putting my arm around his waist and picking him up gently, glancing at his father in disgust.

Tosser…

I half dragged him down the stairs and out of his door, then propped him up against the front door so I could take a breather. He looked even worse in the sunlight. His face was black and blue, mouth and nose crusted with blood. I gasped and a tear escaped.

I can’t do this alone. I need something to help me. This is too much…

The vodka.

Eyes wide I legged it up his stairs and grabbed the bottle of vodka I saw earlier, and ran down the stairs to Frankie, helping his weak body up and carried him to my car. I did up his seat belt and tried to get him to concentrate on what I was saying.

‘Frankie I’m taking you back to mine okay? I’m going to help you’ . My breathing was become difficult and tears kept rolling down my cheeks.

I tried to start up the car but my hands were violently shaking. Struggling to get my hand in my pocket I got my phone and started scrolling down my contacts.
‘Hey Mikes it’s Gee, Frankie’s in a lot of shit, so he's staying with us for a while.' I stated nervously.

‘Yeah...sure Gee, just calm down and get back safe.’ He said, worry tinting his voice.

I threw my phone on the back seat and glanced at Frankie.

The morning sun began to make an appearance, making the swelling on his beautiful face worse. Frankie's eyes seem to open a tiny bit, enough to take in his surroundings, but they were getting heavy again and I had to get him too mine soon. He kept mumbling but I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

Fuck this was my fault… I should have known…

I was starting to panic and I needed something to stop it so I could get him to mine.

Closing my eyes I slowly unscrewed the cap of the vodka bottle and knocked down the contents, coughing at the strength.

It’ll be fine. No one will know.

I finally started the car and started to drive the short distance to my house. The alcohol was starting to take effect, making driving difficult.

I finally got to mine, which seem to have taken forever and undid Frankie’s seatbelt, then raced to the passenger side

I picked up Frank again and started half dragging him down my pavement, luckily the roads were abandoned as it was still quite early in the morning so no one could see.

I saw Mikey rushing over to me; hand over his mouth as he spots Frank’s face.

‘Fuck what happened?’

‘H-his …Dad’ I panted.

Mikey flung his arm round Frank’s waist and helped me take him into the lounge, gently laying him down on the sofa.

‘What the fuck happened Gee?’ Mikey asked softy, knowing I was shook up.

He’s such a good person; he is always trying to stay strong for me.

‘His Dad beats him up Mikes…I should have known… b-but I didn’t and…it was all m-my fault...’

I could feel tears pricking my eyes; Mikey looked at me sympathetically and brought me into a hug. I sighed and looked up the ceiling, then down to Frank, breathing in time to the rise and fall to his chest.

Mikey suddenly stiffened, and pushed me away slightly and held my arms, staring directly into my eyes.

‘Gerard.’ He looked concerned. ‘I can smell alcohol on your breath’ He spoke quietly in one tone…fuck.