FicWad

I'm sorry this has taken so long! Basically I'm moving out in about a week so I've been beyond busy sorting things out and buying everything I need. I'm so excited and nervous and just ahhhh! I'll shut up now, enjoy this chapter!
Panda'xo


I awoke once more on an uncomfortable bed in the nurses' station of the school, feeling like this was an all too common occurrence. I wondered idly how many days I'd lost this time, not that I cared much. The woman I loved, still love, and had vowed to spend the rest of my life with was gone, and I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye. And now my children; my beautiful, talented, amazing children could already be gone. How could I possibly be okay after that?

I groaned as a sharp pain seared through my head, reminding me of my angry outburst before I had collapsed. I opened my eyes and sat up gingerly, noticing that my hands were bandaged, and I vaguely remembered pounding my hands against the exterior school walls. I flexed my fingers cautiously, which was painful, but nothing seemed broken. My injuries seemed to be more through deep cuts and bruises rather than bone damage, which was good.

I heard someone clearing their throat to the right of me, and quickly spun round to see who it was, disturbing my head wound and making myself dizzy in the process.

"Ow." I muttered, putting my hand to my head and closing my eyes as I tried to suppress the urge to vomit.
"Sorry. Are you okay?" Mikey asked, walking over to my bedside.
"Ye-" I began to answer automatically. "Actually, no. No I'm not okay." I corrected myself honestly, tears springing to my eyes. "She's gone, Mikes. And they might be gone too." I whispered.
"I know. I'm so sorry." He told me, pulling me into a hug.

"How's Gerard?" I asked. He was going through the same thing as me, yet I knew we'd be coping in completely different ways. Whereas I would get angry and violent, he would pent everything up and fall into a depression. I just hoped he would be able to open up to any of us rather than trying to carry everything on his shoulders.

"He's… Well, he's Gerard; you know how he is about things. He won't talk to anyone, not even Ray or me." Mikey sighed, letting go of me and sitting down beside me on the bed. "I was kind of hoping you could try talking to him, I mean, you've always been so close, and you're going through the same thing. Admittedly it might be a little worse for you... You and Jamia had been together for just about ever, and you have three children." He must have noticed how many tears were sprawling down my face because he stopped talking and reached out to hold my shoulder lightly, trying to console me.

"I'm so sorry, I really am." He whispered, biting his lip. I nodded once in acknowledgement, though I was unable to stop the tears from flowing.

"Was there anyone else on the list we knew?" I asked, remembering that I'd left before it was all finished.
"No, no one." He replied with a pained look on his face. I could understand his worry, he still had no idea whether or not Alicia was okay; although in all honesty I think I would prefer to not know right now.
"I'm sorry." I replied, looking deep into his eyes as if to show my sincerity. He shook his head to tell me it was okay.

"Frank, I just want you to know... Ray and I, we don't blame you for what happened. It was a silly mistake, and none of what happened was your fault... That probably isn't worth much now, but we wanted you to know." I gave him a tearful smile before pulling him into a hug. My insides were still churning with grief, but the knowledge that I still had my friends by my side lessened the pain a little. Very little, but it still helped.

"Mikey, that means so so much. Thank you. I don't deserve you guys, any of you."
"'Course you do, Frank. And we're here for you if you need us." He replied, letting me go. "Umm, I don't suppose you'd be able to talk to Gerard soon, would you? I'm just really worried about him... He's in your room." Mikey mumbled awkwardly, obviously feeling bad about telling me to see to Gerard so soon after I'd regained consciousness, but I didn't mind.

"Yeah, I'll go now." I nodded lightly, still aware of my head wound. "Oh, and could you tell Ray I said thanks? For, you know... Not hating me after what I did to him."
"Sure thing." He smiled tentatively.

"Do you think we'd be able to find them..?" I blurted out as he went to get up and leave. I needed to discuss it with someone, and from the sounds of it Gee wouldn't be willing to discuss the matter. "I mean if I just went off in a car tonight and went looking around zone 1, I'm sure, somehow, I could find them and bring them here... They might already be..." I gulped, not being able to bring myself to say the word 'dead'. "But I won't let them go without trying."

"Frank, you heard their location. How are you going to break into a High Security location? They might not even be in zone 1... It might be somewhere completely different, thousands of miles away. Even if we all went we'd die or be killed before we found where they were."
"Mikey, I have to try! They're my kids, I can't just allow this to happen! I'd rather die than know I did nothing to save them."

"So you're just going to leave all of us behind and go on a suicide mission. Or take everyone with you, and have even more Killjoys be killed. How can we take down BL/ind. and save the rest of the world if there's no one left to fight? I understand you feel like if you just go then you could have them back in your arms straight away, but the truth is the odds are stacked against you, you won't find where they're held... I'm so sorry, Frank, I really am... I hate having to say this all to you... But it's completely out of your hands. There's nothing you can do, and it doesn't make you any less of a good father to stay and use your anger and your loss to take down Bl/ind. so no one else has to go through what you have."

"That would be letting them down, Mikey. I can't just let this happen to them. You don't have children, you wouldn't understand." I began crying once more. His comment about 'getting more Killjoys killed' may not have been directly aimed at what my mistake had caused, but it sure felt like it. Had he not really forgiven me yet?

"Look, Frank. Please. These records were probably written just after Ray was taken. It's been weeks now... I won't let my best friend, or my brother, go and kill themselves. I... I know you care about them more than life itself. I don't have children, but I understand that." He stared at me for a short while, biting his lip. "I know you won't back down. I'm sorry... I just can't lose my best friend and my brother after everything that's happened. It's selfish but... I just don't want you to go. I do think imminent means it's already happened, but if you have to search... Then I guess you have to." He said with a sigh.

I nodded. "I have to. I'm sorry, Mikes. I can't just carry on and pretend that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help."
"Okay... Just promise me you won't leave right this second? I mean... At least stay for dinner, give everyone a chance to say good luck and goodbye?" He whispered, his voice breaking a little on the last word.
"Okay, I promise." I was a little reluctant to be wasting time I could be searching, but I could tell he was making me promise because he thought I'd never make it back.

He gave me a small, sad smile before heaving himself off the bed and leaving the room.

I sighed to myself and slowly got up, still feeling queasy, to go and speak to Gerard. Maybe I would feel better knowing I'd done something other than attack inanimate objects...

By the time I'd walked across the hall to my room I felt absolutely exhausted and queasy, and I was pretty sure I had a concussion. I found Gerard curled up in a ball on the blankets on the floor. He hadn't heard my entrance, so he jumped when I sat myself down beside him.
"Sorry." I mumbled as I lay down beside him. He turned around to lay on his back beside me, which I hoped was a sign he was willing to talk to me. He hadn't responded to my apology, so I decided to try and probe further in hope of a reply.

"How are you holding up?" I questioned softly. There was a minute of silence in which I wondered whether I was just asking in vain, but finally he responded.
"I-I don't really know... There's so much I know I should be feeling... But I just can't. I feel numb, Frankie." My heart stammered for a fraction of a second, unsure of how to respond. Almost as a reflex action I took his hand in my own, revelling in our closeness and being glad that he had chosen to confide in me, but I loosened my grip slightly as guilt burned through me. I had just found out that my wife was gone, that my children might too be gone, and I was holding hands with a guy who I had fallen in love with over the past few years. What kind of person did that make me? Sure, a couple of days ago I wouldn't have thought much of this action, as Gee and I are such good friends, and he didn't know how I felt about him so it would just be seen as a friendly gesture; but now it just made me feel like a monster.

"There's nothing wrong with feeling that way, Gee, it's a lot to take in..."
"But why can't I just feel sad? Or angry? Like you." He whispered, his voice steady, unlike mine which faltered whenever I thought of them all being... dead; which was almost at every word.
"What, and have a temper tantrum like a two year old and end up basically in hospital? Because that helped the situation so much." I retorted sarcastically, knowing that my response to the news was probably worse than his.
"But this just seems like I don't care at all. I could cry when I first heard, but I haven't been able to since. I think then it was just the shock... I can feel it bubbling up inside, but I just don't know how to let it out. I want to feel the grief and the loss, to show how much I care about them. They deserve a better husband, a better father." He whispered the last sentence, letting go of my hand and turning away from me.

"Gerard, look at me."
He didn't move.
"Gerard Arthur Way, turn around."
Still nothing.
"Oh for goodness sakes' Gee, I have a concussion, please don't make me move to the other side of you and make myself sick."
He finally turned back, a light smile playing on his lips as he lightly pressed a hand to my forehead where I had been bandaged.
"Yeah... Venom said you might have a possible concussion... She had to stitch your hands up, y'know. What on Earth happened out there anyway?" He asked, his face dangerously close to mine. I could feel his warm breath on my face... Stop. Stop stop stop, you can't be feeling this way after what you've just found out. It's just wrong.

I cleared my throat, trying to ignore my messed up thoughts before speaking. "Well, I was kind of attacking the wall with my hands for a while, and then after hitting the wall with a wooden plank, I kind of collapsed and hit my head on the bricks... I didn't even realise what I was doing for half of it..." I mumbled, a little embarrassed.

"Oh, Frankie." He muttered, a smile still tugging lightly on his lips as he took my hand in his once more. His expression faltered as he spoke again.
"I still miss them... But I don't miss them like they're gone and not coming back; I miss them like I did a few days ago... Still hopeful, I guess... Maybe it hasn't sunken in yet." His eyes began to get teary, and he went to wipe them away with his other hand, but I stopped him.
"It's okay, you can cry in front of me you know... Just let it out, you'll feel better."

I reached my hand up to gently stroke his cheek as the tears began to silently pour down.
"I've never been the greatest optimist, you know that much... So I guess I'd expected something like this. All of these years on the run where we were hoping they'd all be there waiting when we finished fighting, I thought that something bad was going to happen... I didn't want it to, obviously, but in my mind it was inevitable."

"They might not be gone, though." I whispered. "It said 'imminent', we don't know if that means it's been done by now... We could go and find them, Gee, we could bring them back."
"Frankie... I don't think... They won't be... I think it's already been done." He said, flustered. I could understand his reluctance to believe we still had a chance to find them; it wasn't from lack of loving his daughter, I knew he cared for her more than anything, but if he had too much hope and it was dashed he would fall into a deeper depression. From our past lives I remembered how he had been when he slipped into a depression. I didn't think about it much, because it scared the hell out of me knowing just how close we were to losing him completely. I didn't want to be a part of making him feel that way again, I'd already lost him to himself once. But... Our children. They were alone and scared and obviously in danger, and they needed us.

"Gerard, look." I whispered. "I know it's hard for you to expect too much and have things crash down in the end... But I also know that you'll hate yourself if you don't try to save her. That's why we started all of this in the first place, isn't it? We fought back because we wanted a better world for our children, we left them behind because we thought it was safer... We can't give up." I knew that most of the time it was Gerard I was trying to protect, I would have taken a laser beam to the head for him during our attack if it had come down to it, but now we both needed to be in danger because it was the only way. No matter what I felt for Gerard the love for my children eclipsed every other feeling, and I knew he would feel the same. We had to do this.

"Besides... I'm going no matter what. I promised Mikey I'd stay through dinner to say goodbye, but then I'm going." I whispered as he closed his eyes in thought.
We were silent for a few minutes. It wasn’t a strained silence, but neither was it a comfortable one. I just wanted to know what was going on inside his mind, whether or not I would be searching alone.

I closed my eyes and the faces of my family filled my mind. I yearned to see them all again, I imagined holding them in my arms once more, and my heart throbbed with the possibility of losing them all. I was so deep in my thoughts I almost forgot I was with Gerard until he cleared his throat and I opened my eyes.

“I’m coming too. If there’s even the slightest chance, then we have to go.” I nodded in response and we laid in silence for a few more minutes.

“We should start with zone 1, go in disguise… And if we can’t find anything then we’ll have to span out. Maybe we could find some help on the way? If we can find some information about where they are…” I began to babble before I was cut off.
“Room for two more?” Mikey’s voice flooded into the room from the doorway, and Gerard and I sat up to stare at him.
“Really?” I asked, and he just nodded in response, a small smile touching on the corners of his mouth. “But… Ray’s injured?” I questioned, knowing he would be the second person Mikey was talking about joining us.
“He said he doesn’t care, this is more important. Though we may have to squeeze in the front of the car so he can lie down in the back seat to help his neck on the journey…”


Beside me, Gerard stood up and moved slowly to the doorway, enveloping Mikey into a tight hug. I stood up slowly, still feeling a little woozy, and joined them, wrapping one arm around each of their shoulders.
“Thank you, Mikey.” I told him as we let go of each other.
“It’s okay… The problem I had with you going… Well I still think it will be difficult to find where they’re held, even more so to gain access, but mostly I just didn’t want to say goodbye. We shouldn’t split up; we’re all in this fight together.”
Gerard and I nodded. I hadn’t wanted us all to split up either, but for me there was no choice about it.

“We should probably get to dinner, I saw everyone heading there a few minutes ago.” Mikey motioned for us to go, and Gerard and I happily obliged, knowing that the quicker we got there and made the announcement that we were leaving, the quicker we could be on our way to hopefully finding our family. We first went to get Ray, who was asleep in the room opposite my own, before making our way to the other end of the hall.

Quite a few people glanced up or stared at us as we entered the dining room, perhaps surprised that we seemed to be acting normally so soon after we had heard the news, obviously not knowing our plans were the only reason we were joining them for dinner.

We sat down limply at the edge of the table, not quite with everyone else. Venom passed us plates of whatever was being served tonight; I didn’t really have any appetite. She lightly touched mine and Gerard’s hand as a way of telling us how sorry she was for our loss. Absentmindedly I thought of how odd it was to have become so close to these people after knowing them for only a few weeks, able to communicate through simple gestures as though we had known each other for much longer. I had to admit it was nice to have some sort of companionship other than Gee, Ray and Mikey, and I would miss the Killjoys we had befriended. I didn’t want to raise my hopes too high, but I thought about how amazing it would be to stay with them again when we came back with our children.

“We should tell them after we’ve eaten, a couple of people are late and I want to say goodbye to everyone…” Mikey whispered to us, and we nodded.
We began to eat, hardly anyone in the room speaking, when Dr D stumbled into the room immediately spotting and making his way over to us.

“I’ve been looking for you four everywhere…” He told us, a little breathlessly as though he’d been running around the school. “I didn’t think you’d be in here…” Did he know about our plans and wanted to stop us?
“Why were you looking for us?” Mikey asked, his eyebrows furrowed. He was probably wondering the same thing as me, trying to work out how on Earth Dr D could know about us leaving.

“I have news.” Gerard and I sat up straighter in our seats from our previously hunched positions, eager to hear what he knew. Maybe he’d found out exactly where they were held… I waited with baited breath for him to continue.

“They… What they had planned to do… to your children,” he began hesitantly, “I found out that it was carried out two days before we left to attack. I am so sorry.”

That’s when it all crashed down.



THE FRERARD YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR WILL BE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!
Believe it or not the next chapter is actually a lot happier.

Anyway I NEED HELP FROM YOU GUYS, PLEASE. I have two endings in my mind and I'm not sure which way to twist the story.
Sooo please comment or message me as to whether you want a half-happy ending or a sad one, because I can't choose and I want you all to enjoy it!
Thank you, and R&R please, it really means a lot to me to hear feedback!
Panda'xo