FicWad

Standing on top of my brother’s truck I can see over the flat plains that make up our two acres of land out in the middle of no where. I’m the tallest thing for miles. I miss Canada. Last night I went back into a corn field with John and his friends and smoke and drank for the first time in years. I broke the one promise I made to Eli. I wonder if he even cares anymore.

Jumping off the car I take off running. Running and running until I just collapse in the middle of a field, tears streaming down my face. I call out; nothing but my voice hanging in the wind answers back.

I hit the crunchy grass a few times with my fist before sitting up, looking at the grey sky threatening to drop buckets of ice cold rain on my head any second. I won’t be able to feel it; I don’t feel anything anymore.

As the first drop hits my nose I stand, looking around. I can see the house looming in the distance. That red hell made of burning bricks; it’s on fire in my mind. The flames licking up the sides, rising to the roof, blowing out the windows while Dead Hand plays in the background; some what of a smile plays across my lips. I probably look demonic.


My phone vibrates in my back pocket. I pray its Eli but I’m let down; it’s only my brother.

Mom says to get inside. Now

I hit the little button on top, turning the screen black. I might as well go back. The last thing I need is to get sick and be stuck at home. Why can’t things just go back to normal? The white line running down my arm answers my question. Fitz. I hope they keep him locked up for a long time.

Pulling my pack of cigarettes out of my jacket pocket I light one, breathing in, waiting a second then let the smoke filter out my mouth. I’m surprised with the light rain I was able to get it lit. Whatever, I’m not going to question how I got it lit just that it is. Mom hates that I smoke; I think she should just be glad I’m not into hardcore drugs.

Entering the house I slam the door behind me.

“No smoking in the house, Brianna,” mom calls from down the hall, she’s looking at me so I can’t lie.

Reopening the door I throw my cigarette out into the rain, “Better?”

“Hardly,” answer mom before returning to whatever she was doing before. I can’t wait for her to leave again to wherever it is she’ll be this time.
Climbing the stairs to my room I flop down on the bed pulling my phone out. Turning it on I unlock it then send off my hundredth text to Eli; he never answers back but I still hold onto hope. Just because he’s happy with Claire doesn’t make me disappear, it doesn’t make our friendship go away…it doesn’t erase the past.

Eli, please text back. Thanks ~ B

I stand up, driving my fist into the wall before hooking up my new guitar, another gift from mom, into the amp and begin playing I’m Not Okay by My Chemical Romance. I can hear banging from the other side of the wall, my brother asking for me to turn the amp down, instead I turn it up. I’ve stopped listening to people…stopped caring, stopped living in reality. I think my mom and my brother just think I’ve stopped living. I’m like a zombie.

I’m dead on my feet from nights of no sleep, the nightmares have come back, smoking and stressing. As the current song comes to and end I move into another one. I taught myself to play guitar ages ago and now I write stuff, mess around with the sound and annoy my mom and older brother.

Hearing my phone go off I put my guitar down and dash over to it, I know the rings tone by heart…its Eli.

“Hello?” I answer.

“Bri,” Eli sighs into the phone. “I’m glad you answered.”

“I’m glad you called,” I reply sitting down in the chair hanging from my ceiling.

“Why are you coming back?”

My heart sinks lower than the floor…that’s why he called. I should have know he would only contact me because he wanted to talk about this, “You’re not talking me out of it so if that’s the only reason you called you might as well hang up.”

“I don’t want to talk you out of it. Bri, I want you to know that when you come back nothing is going to happen.”

“I never thought it would.”

“I’ve missed you, Bri.”

“Don’t try that on me, Eli. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

I hang up. He’s not going to play these mind games with me again. I’m tired of him telling me he’s with Claire but then acting like he wants to be with me. I’m not going to be his ‘date you when I’m having problems in my main relationship’ girl. I refuse; it’s not my scene anymore. My phone goes off again; I answer it for the sake of having nothing better to do with my time.

“What do you want, Eli?”

“For you to forgive me, I wasn’t very nice to you the last time we talked.”

“Five seconds ago or before that,” I question sharply.

“Both. Bri I’m so confused right now. I don’t really know what I want.”

“Can I make it easy for you, Eli? I’m not interested in coming between you and Claire again because I know no matter what it’s always the other girl…it’s never me. So do me a favor and when I hang up in about ten seconds…don’t call back.”

With that I hit the end button as tears begin to fall from my eyes. I felt that, like a bullet in the heart. It hurts because I said it…because I know it’s true. I’m just here until someone better comes along. Always second place, never first; Brianna Tyler you’re just not good enough. I flop down on my bed; face down in the pillow hoping that maybe sometime in the night I’ll die of lack of oxygen.