FicWad

Leslie and Gerard ditched a school assembly to go visit Sidney.
“Like we won’t know what’s gonna be said. Sidney’s in the hospital, there’s been an accident, pray for him, stay strong, blah blah blah,” Les snarked.
Gerard nodded. He wasn’t up for speaking.

A half hour bus ride and waiting room sit-in later, Gerard and Leslie were finally admitted to see Sidney.
“Listen, he’s probably gonna be whacked out on pain meds, and he’s probably really badly hurt, so if he says some...stuff, don’t take it personally, okay?” Les said as they walked down the hallway.
“Okay,” Gerard replied.

The door slid open automatically when the two boys approached it. “You sure you’re okay with this? I know you guys have some sort of bond, but however mad you’ve seen him isn’t gonna be close to what he’s gonna say today,” Les asked, grabbing Gerard’s arm.
“In case you haven’t noticed, Wheeler, I’m growing up, okay? I can handle my goddamn self.”
Les shrugged, and the two headed inside.

“Hey, buddy,” Les called.

Sidney was lying in a bed at the far end of the ward. “Come closer.”
Gerard hung back, letting Leslie take the lead. If the blonde boy noticed, he didn’t say anything.
Sidney had been hooked up to a ventilator, a clear blue tube running from a hole in his throat to a steadily beeping machine to his left. Yellowed bruises lingered on his neck and on his face, and he had a stitches scar on his eyebrow. A thin white layer of dead skin rimmed his lips, and if you ignored the unnatural shrug of his spine and shoulders, it wouldn’t look nearly so bad.
“Afternoon,” Sidney hissed, voice raspy. “Sorry I. Repulse you. Didn’t know I’d, have company today. Can I offer you a beverage?”
His tongue seemed too big for his mouth, like it was a herculean effort to spit out each syllable.

“How’re you doing?” Les asked softly, sitting down on a chair next to the window.
“Oh, you know. Spinal cord sliced by bone splinters. I’m completely and utterly. bugfuck.”
Sidney paused, labouring for breath.

“Bugfuck?” Leslie asked.
Sidney laughed, but it sounded dark and empty. “Don’t pretend. You haven’t heard. The stories. Sidney Gumb, resident crazy motherfucker. You know. And I wasn’t done. Best friend. Abandons me. Girl of my dreams. Didn’t even love me. Daddy. punches. Mom. Doesn’t. Know.”

Sidney coughed, phlegm spattering over his lips.
“How could you say that? I didn’t forget you!” Les admonished.
“Gee. Go outside. Now.”
Gerard didn’t need to be told twice. He left quickly, not bothering to look back on what Sidney had become.
After the door slid shut behind him, he pressed his ear to the wall, trying to listen in.

“Don’t. Lie to me. Leslie. You forgot. Me.”
“I was drunk.”
“You’re hungover. Looks like jaundice, on. On you. What’s her name?”
“Sidney-”
“There’s a girl. Always is.”
Sidney broke off in a coughing fit.

“And I’m gonna. Do. Do the smart thing. Leave her. Dump her.”
“Don’t you dare tell-”
“You’ve liked her for a. While. Don’t know who she is, but you’ve. No balls. To tell me. But. Let me tell you. Whatever you have in your head, it’s better that way. It’s better than anything she could give you. It’s better alone. No heartbreak. No feelings.”
Gerard could hear Leslie standing up.

“No, it’s just better for you. I don’t know what happened to you last night, Sidney, but just because you’re hurt and miserable doesn’t mean the rest of the world should be too,” Leslie snapped.
Gerard could almost see the smirk on Sidney’s face.
“You’re a shitty best friend, Leslie. You’re a goddamn pathetic excuse for a best friend, and I deserve better.”
“Is this all a big joke to you? You’re not getting better, Sid. How often do you think I’ve been lonely? Or hurt? How often do I come to you, for help, for anything, really, and get pushed away by your sarcasm, or your goddamn angst? So the one time I actually find somebody to have a somewhat stable relationship with, your advice is to run as far as I can in the other direction?! We have something together that you and I never had! I love you, Sidney, you’re my best friend, but I can’t do this anymore! You’re either pushing me around, or pushing me away, but I stay, because I must be the biggest idiot because I put up with it!”

Gerard didn’t have to press his ear to the wall. Leslie was in the middle of a screaming match.

“You can say it’s better. To have loved, and lost, but is it? Really? Girls get bored. They use you. They lie. Cheat on you. Break hearts. Tear you apart. So when she does. Get bored. And when she does, where’re that leave you? When everything. You love. Turns on you to bite you. And everything you. Ahh. Stand for. Stands tall to spite you, where’ll that leave you? Alone. Like me. So don’t bother. Don’t fuckin’ bother. Nothing’s worth it. Life’s not worth it.”

Gerard slid down the wall until his butt hit the floor. Covering his ears with his hands, he wished Sidney would just stop talking. He wanted the old Sidney back. The one who screamed at him for joining the play. The one who taught him how to punch, the one who told him he did good in the ring, the one that was his friend.
Not this one. This Sidney, new Sidney, who was bitter and jaded. Sidney hated a lot of things, yeah, but he was never angry at life. He was just pissed off at everything else.
Why did everything have to change?

The door slid up, and Gerard’s head snapped up. Leslie had come out, face flushed red, cloudy blue eyes running, and nose streaming.
“You didn’t hear the end of that, did you?” he asked.
Gerard shook his head. That seemed to calm Les down a little.
“Good. Y’know, I’ve always tried to do the right thing, y’know? And the one time I screw up, the one time I don’t watch him...” Les wiped his nose on his sleeve.
“He wants to talk to you now.”

Gerard took a few steps into the room.
“You’ll have to come closer. Can’t move my head,” Sidney said, staring at the ceiling with his working eye.
Gerard inched over to Sidney’s bed. He wished he’d stayed at the assembly.
“You’re awful quiet. What, you don’t recognize me? Your friend, Sidney?”
Gerard stared at his feet.
“Look at me.”
Gerard focussed on the fake grout in between the tiles.

“LOOK AT ME!”
Gerard snapped his eyes up. Sidney’s working left eye was full of malice, and only half of his mouth was working. “Oh yes. You looked up to me. Once upon a time. Look at me. Now. Heroes die. Achilles died. Hercules rotted. Nothing lasts. Don’t put me on a pedestal. Or anyone, for that matter.”
Gerard nodded.
“What. Is that it? Just agree? Take it in the ass? Remember. What I told you. About brothers?” the older boy asked, blinking one eye.
Gerard remembered it. “Y-yeah? What about it?”
“He’ll find out. Mikey. He’ll find out. That you’re not a hero. And when he does, it’ll be harder than this.”

“Stop it. Just stop. What happened to you? Sidney, people get paralyzed all the time, they get better, they don’t just lash out and-” Gerard tried to say, but Sidney interrupted him.
“Oh, yeah, I bet being a paraplegic happens to everyone, all the time. It’s just a phase, right? I’ll get better, right? Like you’ll get better. Think about what you’ve, done. In the ring. Monster.”
“Sid, that’s not fair,” Gerard said.

“Oh, you’re right! It totally isn’t! Because the rest of life, is going to be totally even stevens! If you think. I’m being unfair, then why do you get to walk and I don’t?! And why did you get to go to three Midnight Troupe, meetings while every other. Kid only got one? Hell, why don’t we switch? I’ll be a dumb little kid, and, and, and, and, you can be paralyzed and alone? How does that sound? Isn’t that the best idea you’ve ever heard?!” Sidney screamed, tendons standing out sharply on his neck.

Gerard could feel tears rolling down his face. “I-I’m so sorry. Sidney. You n-never talked to me about anything, okay? I didn’t know! You never talked to me, and when you did, you nev-never said anything about being sad or alone!”
“You never saw it. It didn’t fit in with your. Tragic hero motif. So you just disregarded it. All hail the conquering hero,” Sidney mocked.
“Stop it. Please, Sidney, I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry won’t make me walk. Won’t make me sane.”
Gerard rubbed the tears off his face. Sidney’s tongue lolled out from between his lips, wrinkling the layer of white skin on them.
“It was always Midnight Troupe, or, or, or girls,” Gerard paused. What exactly had Sid and him talked about? “And I just d-didn’t see it, and I’m so-”
“Won’t get me off the ventilator.”

Gerard exhaled, hard, the way Sidney used to exhale cigarette smoke.
“Why me, huh? Every other kid is okay, but you’ve always made a point to be cruel to me! Why was it always me?” Gerard asked, voice garbling with tears.
“You looked like I did. At the, age. I’m just trying to even the score.”
“That can’t be right,” Gerard told him.
“Why can’t it be? I wanted a mini-me. You fit the bill. My prodigy. My, clone.”
“No. You were...” Gerard trailed off.
“Your friend. Your hero. Look where that got me. Don’t worry about it. Even Superman has to die one day,” Sidney said, tongue rolling out to touch a scratch on the left side of his face.

Gerard stood there, awkwardly. He wasn’t sure how to reach Sidney anymore. He wasn’t himself.
“Uh...see you tomorrow?” he asked, backing towards the door.
“Yeah, whatever. Sure. Tomorrow it is,” the older boy spat, eyes fixing onto the ceiling tiles.

Gerard found Leslie standing next to an exit sign in the waiting room.
“Hey. How was it?” he asked.
Hurt. Sad. Alone. Angry Hateful Malicious Psychopathic Bitter Possibly Suicidal Paralyzed-
“He’s in a bad spot.”
“Y’know what he asked me? He asked for me to euthanize him. You know what that means?” Les asked, features blank.
“Nnnno?” Gerard said, stretching the word out.
“Look it up when we get back. I...I just can’t...not right now. I don’t think he was kidding, but I hope he was. We’ve been friends so long, but I’ve never seen him like this before,” Leslie said, scuffing his foot on the floor.

~*~

Around midnight, Sidney was still awake. His throat was dry, but he wouldn’t ask for water. His parents had been in to visit earlier, and both acted like he thought they would, his mother hysterical and crying and his father carved of stone.
You forgot about me. I’ve been here all day.
“Shut up, John,” Sidney hissed. His brother had been in the corner of the room all day, and he’d been crying and apologizing too. He wanted Sidney to be civil to his friends, but Sidney hated John now, pathetic, liar, the one who paralyzed him.
Sidney, I’m so sorry. God, forgive me. I’ll do anything.
The worst of him, the worst side. The scapegoat. But...John wanted forgiveness.
We both do. Please, Sidney, nobody hates us for what happened.

When the door’s automatic whoosh sound broke the silence it was a bit of a surprise. Sidney would’ve jumped, if he could’ve.
“Who is it?” he called, trying to squint through the dark of the ward.
“Hello, Sidney.”
Sidney’s eyes widened.
“Nina.”

She had cut her hair, and it wasn’t in braids anymore. She had gained a little weight, but her eyes still seemed to glow in the blue light of the monitors.
Say what you wanted about Nina, but you couldn’t say anything bad about her eyes. Other girls may have had bedroom eyes, but Nina had the whole suite.
Sidney looked away, ashamed of his appearance. If he looked as good as he felt, he probably looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame.
“Oh, my. Look at you,” Nina remarked.
Sidney clenched his jaw shut. John was critiquing her on the weight she gained, and he didn’t want that pouring out his own mouth. She was beautiful, all the time.
“Nina, listen. About...what...I did. I wish...you never...deserved that, and I’m so...” Sidney paused, the word he’d been hearing all day and was sick of hearing on the tip of his tongue. Sidney swallowed, sending the word back down his throat. It tasted like lemons.
“Sorry, right? You could never say that. Well, maybe your alter couldn’t.”

Nina sat down on the bed, leaning back across his legs. Sidney wished he could feel the weight of her back on his shins, but the only thing he could feel was the mattress tipping in her direction.
There was a silence between them.

“I stopped smoking, sort of,” Sidney said.
“That’s nice.”
“I missed you.”
“Great.”
Sidney inhaled. “I’m so sorry, Nina. If anyone needed an apology, it would be. You. And I don’t know if I even deserve forgiveness for what I did.”
“You don’t, Sidney. I don’t care how pathetic, or how sorry you are right now. I won’t forgive you for what you did to me. At least I blame you for what you did. ‘Course, I dealt in my own way,” Nina responded, holding her arms up to the ceiling, sleeves of her sweater falling backwards, and in the inky black and harsh blue light Sidney could see the perfectly straight lines on her arms.

“Like them? Did them all myself.”
“Did they hurt?” Sidney asked, not sure what else to say.
“A little. Hurt more the more I did,” she responded, leaning back further, eyes closed.
Slowly, silently, she snaked her hand up and entwined it with Sidney’s fingers.
“Can you feel it?” Nina asked.
Sidney tried. He tried to focus everything he had into feeling her hand on his, tried to feel the whorls of each fingertip, but there was nothing.
“No. I can’t.”
Nina let go of him, and, rolling over, she leaned forward, eyes glowing in the dark, knee sinking one side of the mattress next to Sidney’s elbow, and Sidney, the bruised hero who wasn’t, the boy who grew up fighting, looked up into her eyes and, transfixed, he said something he thought he’d never say.

“I love you so much.”
Sitting across his lap now, so the only thing he could see was her, Nina tilted her head to the side, watching him. “What?” she asked, hearing him perfectly well but just wanting to hear it again.
“I love you. I love you, Nina. Lovelace. My girl, my love, my breath. My life.”
Leaning forward, Nina pressed her lips to his, like she had last year, or he had, but that didn’t matter now. Sidney kissed her back, clumsily, trying to get his lips to work the way he wanted them to.
Bracing her hand on the back of Sidney’s head, Nina deepened the kiss, ignoring the rasp of Sidney’s respirator and the scratch on her throat from the tube.

Sidney made a small noise in the back of his throat, and Nina pulled away. “What’s wrong?” she whispered, looking at him.
“No. No. No. No. No. We can’t do this.”
“I know.”
“Nina?”
“Yes, Sidney?”
Sidney swallowed. He’d already asked Leslie to do this for him, but he wouldn’t. He hated that he needed help, but he couldn’t do this alone.
“If I asked, would you. Unhook. My respirator?” Sidney asked.
Nina leaned back, eyes colder than space, so cold it hurt, like brain freeze, or ice cream headache.
“Don’t be stupid. That’ll kill you.”
“I know. Please, Nina. I can’t live like this. I don’t want to live like this. I’ve already asked Leslie, but he won’t-”
“Darn straight he won’t. Sidney,” Nina exhaled hard, getting off of Sidney’s lap. “I know you’re not yourself most of the time, and everything is just...it’s not ideal for you. But your life is sacred, Sidney. Everyone’s is.”
“Nina, please, I know, but I don’t want to, just loosen it a bit, I’m begging you.”
She looked back, short hair swishing around her face. “No, Sidney. I am not going to help you kill yourself.”
With that, she strode out the door, it’s sliding whoosh sounding like a death sentence.

Struck out? John asked.
“Yeah. John, I’m...I can’t...do this. Not like this, for the rest of my life? I don’t even want to think about it."
There’s gotta be something to live for.
“Uh, let’s see. Bedsores? Amputated limbs? Stuck for the rest of my life. In a home? No thanks,” Sidney spat, tongue rolling across his lips and teeth.
Wait, Sidney, don’t.
Sid, Don’t.
Sid, Stop!
Ah, whatever.
Love you, kid.