FicWad

Guys!
Again, I’m sorry I took so long. The usual excuses apply. Uni work, busy weekends, zero free time you know the drill. I would like to say this chapter makes up for it but I’m going away this weekend so the ending was pretty rushed D: I really hope it’ll still be okay though guys, and I really do apologise for the slow updates. You’re all amazing and I hate to make you wait so much, I really am so sorry.
Please keep up with your amazing rates and reviews, I hardly deserve them, but they truly make me smile.
xo


Gerard didn’t know what to do with himself anymore.

The days were drifting by in a slow, numb haze, everything tainted by the knowledge that Frank had gone and wasn’t coming back. Gerard was trying not to let it affect him, he was trying to pretend it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t like he and Frank had ever said they loved each other or anything... but he really had cared for him, and he wanted him back.

After Frank had stormed out and Bert had followed Gerard back into the apartment the artist had spent hours trying to call Frank, leaving him message after message begging him to let him explain. When that had failed he had tried Matt instead, but he ignored his calls too and Gerard was left feeling even more heart broken.

Gerard was trying to remain strong and forget about Frank for now. Bert needed his help and he was spending all of his spare time and energy on trying to find out exactly what problems Bert was in and how they could solve them. So far he had managed to get a little more information out of him about his boyfriend and it was fairly obvious the guy was abusive, but that was the most he could ascertain. Bert wasn’t opening up to him and Gerard knew it was going to take a long time to make him trust him enough to really talk to him. It was frustrating, especially when Bert had come to him specifically for help and was now closing up on him.

Gerard sighed and slid his head down to rest in his palm, his elbows resting on the desk top. He was sat in his office, trying to forget his problems long enough to get some work done but he just couldn’t bring himself to do anything. Drawing was the one thing he had always been able to count on to make him feel better, but now it just wasn’t helping at all. No matter what he did, every line, every shade, it all became Frank. He was growing sick of it.

Gerard hadn’t bothered to leave his office at all whilst at work the past few days. He didn’t feel like eating and he couldn’t even summon the energy to go for a cigarette. It was a miracle he even made it into work at all... All he wanted to do was lye in his bed and wallow in self pity, but he couldn’t do that even when he finished work thanks to Bert living with him. He couldn’t let the younger man see how upset he was, it would only make things worse. Bert was already blaming himself for what happened even though Gerard had explained why Frank was mad, and it wasn’t helping the blonde man’s self esteem one bit.

Gerard groaned and slumped until his head was resting on the desk. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to dispel the queasy feeling in his stomach. He just wanted Frank back... He just wanted to explain...

“Gerard?” Gerard glanced up through his eyelashes to see that the door to his office had been pushed open, Brian gazing at him from round the side of the door. He was looking anxious, biting on his lip and shuffling his feet as he gazed in on the artist. “Can I come in?”

“Mm...” Gerard shrugged and tipped his head a little, neither giving nor denying Brian entry so the younger man took it as an invitation and stepped into the office anyway. He closed the door gently behind himself and sighed as he leant against it, folding his arms across his chest and resting one foot against the door. For a long while he just stared at Gerard and didn’t say anything and Gerard just couldn’t bring himself to sit up properly.

“Are you okay?” Brian finally asked, Gerard sighing as he shook his head slowly. “I heard about your break up... I’m sorry man.” Gerard blushed deeply and winced as he felt tears prickling hotly in his eyes. Technically neither he nor Frank had said they weren’t together anymore, though of course Gerard had assumed that must be the case. Hearing Brian confirm it just made him feel a million times worse.

“Look,” Brian sighed when Gerard made no sign he had even heard him. “Frank’s been really cut up, Matt’s been going out of his mind trying to cheer him up. I think you guys need to talk.” Brian walked across the room to sit on the edge of the desk, gently stroking his fingers through Gerard’s hair and biting his lip when Gerard scowled.

“Me and Matt?”

“No... You and Frank.” Brian sighed, working his fingers ever so gently through Gerard’s soft hair, trying to soothe him. To his surprise Gerard actually began to relax, but then with a jolt Brian realised that his shoulders were shaking... tiny sobs escaping his lips as he began to cry. “Gee?”

“H – H – He won’t talk to me B – Bri I’ve tried.”

“Oh Gerard...” Brian sighed, sliding off the desk to crouch awkwardly beside Gerard’s chair instead, wrapping his arms around him in an attempt to hug him. “When was the last time you tried calling him? Maybe he’d answer now... ya know, now he’s had time to calm down maybe?”

“I d – doubt it...” Gerard sniffled, gulping and coughing as he tried to stem his sobs. He didn’t want to cry, especially infront of Brian, it just made him feel even more stupid and embarrassed. He didn’t deserve any sympathy, he was the one who had been lying to Frank the whole time. Even Frank did find out the truth he probably wouldn’t get back with him thanks to the fact Gerard had always been a fan of his.

“Come on Gee...” Brian mewled, rubbing Gerard’s back gently, looking up at him and trying to see his face through the curtain of his hair. “Look... You’re both really upset, clearly you don’t want to be apart.” He pointed out as delicately as he could, tears dripping off Gerard’s jaw to leave tiny wet patches on his jeans.

“H – How would y – you know he’s u – upset?” Gerard scoffed, wiping his eyes roughly with his sleeve. “Have you s – seen him?”

“I already told you, Matt’s been talking to him. I mean shit Gee, he’s the guys agent he sees him every day.” Brian pointed out gently, tutting as he leant up to wipe Gerard’s tears away himself when he saw how roughly Gerard was doing it. “Look... To be honest, Frank hasn’t said much. He just said you’re a liar or something, but he’s obviously upset and I don’t know or care what it is you argued over you need to sort it out.”

“But Bri –”

“No. No buts.” Brian cut across Gerard before could speak, smiling hopefully at him as he cupped his face and used the pads of his thumbs to wipe at his tears. “Matt seems to think that Frank has always been a little bit volatile... Apparently he’s a total drama queen but Matt’s genuinely worried about him this time. I don’t know a lot about the guy but I can tell he loves you, he’d be an idiot not to. You guys need to talk okay?”

Gerard looked at Brian sceptically, his tears finally coming to a halt. He quirked an eyebrow at the younger man and sighed, resisting the urge not to just tell him he was an idiot and push him out of his office so he could go back to moping alone. He wanted to talk to Frank... Of course he did. But he had been trying desperately to make him hear him out and Frank was just ignoring him. Hell, even Matt had been ignoring him. Why would it be any different now?

“I want to talk to him Bri...” He finally sighed, leaning back in his chair as Brian rose to his feet to perch on the edge of the desk again. “But I’ve been texting and calling him since the second he left, he just doesn’t reply. I even tried calling Matt to see if he could help me but he’s been ignoring me too.” Gerard didn’t mean for his voice to come out as accusing as it sounded, but Brian didn’t look offended. In fact, he looked a little ashamed.

“Well yeah he... Well, as soon as he found out you guys had had a fight he was on Frank’s side from the start.” He confessed, grabbing Gerard’s hand and quickly continuing before Gerard could get upset. “But only because him and Frank are such good friends. He’s been ignoring your calls just until he could get Frank’s side of the story... But like I say, Frank hasn’t been saying much and we can’t make much sense out of him. But I told Matt he must have it wrong, I told him you’re a great guy. I just know that whatever happened you wouldn’t have meant for it to turn out like this.”

“No I didn’t.” Gerard agreed quietly, sighing as he tugged his hand out of Brian’s and ran it through his hair. He felt exhausted all of a sudden, like he could nothing now but sleep for a thousand years. He wished he could just go to bed and then wake up to find it was all a horrible nightmare... That Bert had never come back and Frank had never left...

“I really care about him Bri...” He mewled, staring down at the desk. “I can’t think straight anymore... I just keep thinking about what we both said and wishing I could change it. I’ve tried so hard to make him give me a chance to explain but I just can’t get through to him.”

“Well I can help you Gee.” Brian said gently, offering a small smile as he squeezed Gerard’s hand. “Matt and I both agree you guys need to talk. Matt thinks he’ll be able to convince Frank to let you at least call him.”

Gerard was silent for a long moment, letting that sink in. He had been relying on Matt to help him, and had given up all hope when Brian’s lover had ignored him too. But if he was willing to help then maybe Gerard really did have a chance.

“I... You’d help me?” He finally whispered, his eyes sparkling with hope as he looked up at Brian. “Oh God... Brian if I could just talk to him I’m sure I could make him understand this is all just a huge mistake.” He breathed, jumping to his feet and seizing both of Brian’s hands in his. “You have to get him to talk to me! Please Bri...”

“I’ll try.” Brian promised, smiling softly as he slid off the desk so he could stand up too, pulling Gerard into a quick hug. “I can’t promise he’ll listen to us, but I have every faith in Matt. You should start thinking about what you’ll say; if you get this chance you can’t fuck it up.” He pointed out gently, leaning back to look at Gerard with warm eyes. “Your best chance is to be calm and composed if and when you manage to talk to him. No more beating yourself up okay?” Brian chuckled gently as he stroked a thumb across Gerard’s still damp cheek, causing him to blush.

“I promise...” Gerard whispered, even offering a soft smile. Brian was right, all this wallowing in self pity wasn’t helping anyone, and if he managed to get a chance to talk to Frank he’d need to be confident in what he was going to say. No doubt Frank would still be mad at him and unwilling to listen, so Gerard would need to be prepared to persuade him he was telling the truth. Losing it and breaking down in tears wasn’t going to help anything.

>X<

“Alright, let me take a look.” Gerard leant forward on the couch, resting his arms on his knees as Bert approached him and lifted his shirt. Gerard gently unravelled the bandages around his stomach and let them drop so he could take a look at the knife wound.

“It’s the first time there’s been no blood on the bandages...” Bert pointed out quietly as he looked at the fabric dropped to the floor, Gerard ‘hmm’ing as he nodded.

Now that Bert had had someone to take care of him and clean his wound and dress it every day it was starting to heal nicely. He was right, it wasn’t bleeding anymore, and the scab still held even when Gerard began to gently run his fingers around it and prod a little at the skin surrounding it. He smiled up at Bert and nodded for him to put his shirt back on.

“I think it’s gonna be okay. You should be able to get away with not wearing the bandages now as long as you’re careful not to knock the scab off.” He said gently, Bert grinning as he pulled his shirt over his head.

“Awesome, thanks Gee.” He beamed, flopping down onto the couch beside the artist and smiling softly at him. “Dinner should only be a little bit longer.” He added quietly, his face hopeful for approval as Gerard nodded and forced a smile.

“Sounds great.”

In the few days that Bert had been staying with Gerard the blonde man had been eager to not overstay his welcome and work hard to be useful. He had cooked every night and had breakfast ready before Gerard had to leave for work in the morning. He had cleaned the whole apartment and had even offered to do the washing and ironing, but Gerard had insisted that he really didn’t need to do that... He didn’t need to do anything.

Gerard didn’t like feeling like Bert was becoming a house husband. He knew he was just feeling anxious that he wasn’t wanted around and so was making up for it by doing chores but Gerard really wished he wouldn’t. It felt strange and awkward and almost like he was using Bert. He was prepared to help him, despite everything that had happened in their past he wasn’t going to turn him away when he so obviously needed help. He just wanted to find out exactly what he needed to do to make things better for him and then he could get on his way.

“Bert listen...” Gerard sighed, turning to face the younger man properly. “I need to know why your boyfriend stabbed you.” Instantly Bert’s face went pale, his eyes growing wide and he began to shake his head frantically. Gerard reached out to touch his hand, hoping to help him relax. “Hey, shh... I know you don’t want to talk about it, and I know you keep saying he didn’t mean to hurt you but Bert I need to know what’s been going on with you if I’m going to be able to help you.”

“It’s okay; you don’t have to do anything.” Bert whispered quickly, the same thing he had been saying every time Gerard tried to ask him about this. “I just need a job and a place of my own – I’m working on it Gee, really I am. I’ve been looking for jobs all around and as soon as I get one I promise I’ll go.”

“Bert...” Gerard sighed, shifting closer to him and squeezing his hands gently. “Look, I’m not trying to tell you that you need to leave soon or something. I just... Look, if you didn’t need my help you wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble of finding me. You can’t have just needed me for a place to stay...” He pointed out softly, Bert’s cheeks flaming red and he bowed his head as he bit his lip. “Talk to me man...”

“I... Gee please, I don’t want to talk about it...” Bert whispered, tugging his hands out of Gerard’s and angling his body away slightly, though not entirely. He didn’t want to be rude; he just wanted Gerard to drop the subject.

“I know you don’t and Bert I really wouldn’t ask but... Well, shit Bert, you can’t expect to show up after seven years and not tell me why. Especially after the way you left me. I’ve been through hell because of you.” Gerard blushed a little himself, hating to bring this up, but now he had started he just couldn’t stop. Bert had to know the truth...

“You left me Bert... You left me, all because I couldn’t fucking bottom for you. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? How cut up I was? I almost became a fucking alcoholic again; I had to get therapy because of you.” Gerard could feel tears building in his eyes, Bert gazing at him from under his eyelashes, his body tense and his face ashamed. “I’ve spent the last seven years too afraid to get into relationships because I thought I would never be good enough... and now the one guy I finally trusted enough to try and make a relationship with has left me because you showed up on my damn doorstep again. I think I’ve been more than kind to you considering and the least you can do is talk to me.”

Gerard fell silent and wiped awkwardly at his eyes, trying to stop his tears before they could fall. His voice had grown harsh and full of hurt and he knew he wasn’t helping one bit by saying all this. It was all past history, but he just couldn’t stop the words from slipping past his lips. He had been dying to say it to Bert since the moment he had left but now he finally had he realised it just made him feel worse.

“I... God, Bert I’m sorry I –”

“Don’t.” Bert whispered, cutting across Gerard. He was no longer looking at him, his eyes directed at the floor. “Don’t apologise...” Bert didn’t move, sitting tense and still for a long moment. Gerard gazed at him through glistening eyes, too afraid to move or even speak himself. He wasn’t sure what Bert was thinking, but it felt like the silence stretched on forever.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.” Bert’s words came out hollow and emotionless and Gerard couldn’t stop the scoff that escaped his throat. Bert instantly snapped his head to the side to look at him, his eyes hurt. “It’s true.” He insisted, some feeling finally entering his voice. “I never meant to cause you so much shit. Fuck Gerard, we were young man. We were barely even twenty and I was hot headed and stupid. It was immature of me to leave you for that, I know that now, but if I had known it was affect you so much I would have stuck around.”

“Don’t say that.” Gerard sighed, running a hand through his hair and squeezing his eyes shut. “I would never have wanted you to stick around just because you pitied me. Fuck, I didn’t want you to stick around at all when I realised I wasn’t good enough for you –”

“Gerard stop it!” Bert suddenly snapped, Gerard raising his eyebrows in surprise. “Okay, stop with the fucking self pity crap. If you had therapy shouldn’t they have got that out of you? I was the guy shallow enough to leave you for why I did and you think you’re the one not good enough? Are you fucking delusional?”

For a moment Gerard was stunned, the hardness of Bert’s eyes and the rough tone to his voice suddenly very familiar. This was more like the Bert he had known. Not the timid, wounded man who had shown up high in his office, but the brash, cock sure boy he had used to date. Gerard didn’t know whether he wanted to feel angry or frightened, his stomach swirling and his body tense.

“Why are we talking about this?” He finally whispered, running his hand through his hair again, a nervous tick of his. “It was a long time ago... I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Yes you do.” Bert scoffed, sighing and forcing himself to relax. “If you didn’t you wouldn’t have brought it up.” He said, gently this time, gazing at Gerard with apologetic eyes. There was a long silence for a moment, both men just gazing at each other. “Look I... If it would help, I’ll tell you what you want to know.”

Gerard blinked in surprise, not entirely sure how Bert came to that conclusion but he guessed he was just anxious to make things okay between them again and Gerard wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity to finally find out everything about him and his boyfriend.

“Alright...” He said gently, nodding his head. “Tell me what happened between you and your boyfriend... Why did he stab you and why did you decide to come to me?”

Bert sighed and bit his lip, running a hand through his hair before laying his chin down on his knuckles, considering for a moment. He tried to force away his nerves and decide where to start. It was such a long story it seemed... and he was exhausted just thinking about it. But he knew deep down he would have to tell Gerard sooner or later... had always known he would have to. Gerard was right, he couldn’t just show up in his office asking for help and not expect to speak to tell him everything.

“Let me sort out our dinner first.” He finally sighed, getting up to head into the kitchen and fill some bowls with the pasta he had cooked, needing just a few minutes to brace himself before he told all.

>X<

Frank sighed as he stepped out of the shower and worked a towel over his hair. He was feeling exhausted and lower than ever, his body aching from the ridiculous positions he had had to be fucked in for the video he had just finished. The camera crew were just finishing packing away and Frank’s co-star had already disappeared to go to another shoot, but Frank was blessedly done for the day.

There wasn’t always a shower available on set, and Frank was relieved there had been one here. If he hadn’t been able to shower straight after he would have just felt even more disgusting. He hadn’t felt tainted after doing video’s since he had first started in the business; but since arguing with Gee he just hadn’t been himself. He felt constantly sick and was desperate for a day off. He didn’t even enjoy his photo shoots anymore, he just didn’t feel... sexy.

“You alright man?” Matt asked gently as Frank sighed and flopped down onto a chair, sliding his pile of clothes over using his feet though he made no attempt to get dressed. He dropped the towel from his hair down to rest over his shoulders, the towel round his waist tiny and barely resting down his thighs.

“Mmm...” Was his only response to Matt’s question, his eyes focused blankly on the wall opposite them, his face expressionless. Matt sighed and sat down beside him, laying a hand on his shoulder and squeezing softly. Frank made no sign he could even feel him.

“Look... Frankie, I really think you need to talk to Gerard...” Matt said ever so softly, Frank wincing for a moment before his face went blank again.

“No.” He said simply, picking at a thread on the towel round his waist.

“Frank...”

“No.”

“Frank please.” Matt groaned, gazing at Frank with worried eyes, wishing the younger man would meet his gaze. “Brian talked to Gerard today and I really think that you guys need to talk. Apparently Gerard’s been really depressed the last few days, and I don’t need to be a psychologist to tell you have been too.”

“I don’t care if he’s depressed.” Frank said softly, eyes still fixed infront. “He shouldn’t have lied to me. He’s just another creepy fan, like every other guy I’ve ever cared about.” Deep down Frank wasn’t sure he believed that, but what other explanation was there? Still, this was the first time Matt had tried to convince him he should give his ex a chance, usually Matt would scoff and offer to beat the guy up .

“I don’t believe that Frank.” Matt said softly, rolling his eyes and cupping Frank’s jaw to turn his face to look at him. “I don’t think you do either. Look at you Frank, you’re nothing like yourself. You miss him, and don’t even try to tell me that you don’t. What harm can there be in hearing him out?”

“I don’t want to hear him out. I don’t want anything more to do with him. He lied to me Matt, you have no idea how much...” Frank tugged out of Matt’s grip, tears welling up in his eyes and for a moment he was just as shocked as Matt to have them there. It was the first real emotion he had shown in days and he felt his chest tightening as he wiped slowly at his eyes. “I don’t wanna talk about him anymore okay...”

“Frankie...” Matt mewled, reaching out for Franks hand but the younger man jumped to his feet and began to get dressed before Matt could touch him. He sniffed hard and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat, yanking on his clothes as quickly as he could.

“Frank please,” Matt sighed, getting to his own feet. “I don’t know what happened between you, but you can’t tell me that it’s impossible you might have got the wrong end of the stick. Just talk to him, if nothing else then just on the phone, and if you don’t like what he’s saying then just hang up and I’ll never ask you to speak to him again.”

“You shouldn’t be asking me to speak to him at all!” Frank snapped, his tone suddenly angry and he whirled round to face Matt as he finished yanking on his t-shirt and scowled at the older man. “Look, I don’t know what he said to Brian, and I couldn’t really giving a flying fuck either. I don’t want to speak to him, and nothing you, or anyone else says is going to change my mind on that. Now just leave me the fuck alone!”

Frank span on his heel, threw down his towels and stormed out of the building without another word. Matt groaned and called for him to come back, but of course he ignored him, and the older man was left to sigh and run a hand through his Mohawk as he bit his lip. He knew that when Frank got stubborn like this no one could change his mind, and his stomach swirled at the thought of having to let Brian down and tell him he hadn’t been able to get Frank to agree to talk to Gee.

Outside the building Frank had finally broke down into tears, his hands shaking as he grabbed a cigarette from the packet in his pocket and struggled to light it up. He cursed and swore until his lighter finally sparked and he inhaled a lungful of smoke gratefully, striding to his car as quickly as he could. He just wanted to get home... He wanted to curl up and bed and hide there until he grew old and died.

>X<

Bert took a deep breath and sighed, idly stirring the pasta in his bowl as Gerard gazed at him. Both men were simply picking at their food, Gerard forcing himself to eat a few bites just out of politeness though neither man had much of an appetite. Bert was finally about to start explaining and both men were nervous.

“Okay so uh... Well I guess I’ll just start when I first met Jeph...” Bert mumbled uncertainly, Gerard nodding at him with a soft smile, encouraging him to continue. Bert met his gaze for a moment, his hesitancy clear but he forced himself to summon up his courage and to find his voice.

“Well...” He began. “I met him about three years ago... Just in a bar ya know? He bought me a drink and we got chatting, and it just kinda went from there, I won’t bore you with the details.” Bert gazed into his bowl and pushed some of the pasta around, his heart hammering as he got lost in his reminiscing. “It only took us a couple weeks before we officially started dating... and then only a couple months after that until we moved in together. It didn’t feel fast at the time, we just really hit it off and I kinda felt convinced like he was the perfect guy for me.” Bert blushed deeply and glanced at Gerard almost as if he was afraid he had offended him, but Gerard’s face was calm and he smiled comfortingly at Bert.

“So what happened?” He asked gently, eating some pasta in the hopes it would tempt Bert to eat too and he relaxed when the blonde actually did attempt a mouthful. Bert considered Gerard’s question as he chewed, trying to remember when everything had turned sour but it was hard to pinpoint an exact moment.

“I... I don’t really know when I realised things weren’t perfect.” He confessed quietly, avoiding Gerard’s gaze again. “All I know is that after a while things weren’t great anymore... in fact they weren’t even good anymore... Jeph was always part of a bad crowd I guess, I knew from day one he was in a gang of sorts...” Bert’s blush intensified as he realised how moronic that sounded. As if Jeph had been part of some group of teenagers who roamed the streets.

“He was pretty much the leader I think. I don’t know exactly what they used to get up to, but he would be gone sometimes for days at a time and there were tonnes of times when I had to leave the apartment and meet him in a motel somewhere cos’ he was hiding from the police. We got really good at laying low.” Bert’s voice had grown softer, almost trancelike and it was clear he was on a roll. “I never liked it but I didn’t care too much... I was just happy to be with him and I would have done anything for him... Deep down I knew he wasn’t a good guy though. Sometimes I’d find blood on his clothes he’d thrown in the wash, or drugs in his pockets. I don’t think he took them, probably just sold them, we always had plenty of money and he didn’t have a job... I tried questioning him on it a few times but he used to get mad at me, and then... Well, one day he brought his friends over – his gang friends – and they were... they were so cruel...” Bert’s face wrinkled up as if in disgust, but there were tears in his eyes and Gerard felt his heart miss a beat as his voice cracked slightly.

“Jeph made me wait on them like a servant... Whatever they wanted, I did it. And all the time they laughed in my face and called me names. It’s stupid really, it’s not like we’re in high school I shouldn’t have got offended but I did and so...” Bert hesitated, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I called Jeph into the bedroom and demanded that he throw them all out, and he got angry at me, said I was stepping out of line... that was the first time he hit me... After that he did it all the time. It was like the floodgates opened, he was always making fun of me, always putting me down... I just felt so worthless, I couldn’t do anything right and there was always one thing or another that meant he had to ‘put me in my place’. I got so fucking sick of him hitting me all the time, that’s when I turned to drugs again.”

“Why didn’t you just leave him?” Gerard asked softly when Bert stopped talking to eat some more of his pasta, just trying to give himself time to think. He sighed at the question, shaking his head and chewing slowly.

“It’s not that simple.” He finally whispered, stirring his food idly. “I wasn’t happy... but I loved him so much. I still do...” Bert blushed at the admission and carried on quickly before Gerard could say anything. “I guess you can never fully understand it until you’re in that position, but I just believed that I deserved everything I got. Deep down I knew I was lying to myself, I knew I needed to leave him but I just couldn’t... He made me feel worthless but I needed him. He was all I knew... We’d been together two years at that point, and the drugs made everything so numb, I thought I was handling it...”

“So what made him stab you?” Gerard asked softly, feeling sick to hear all this and he just wanted the story to end. He knew about abusive relationships just like everyone else did, but hearing Bert saying all this, to see the pain on his face and imagine how much he had been through... it really hit him then how terrible domestic violence was. He thought back to when he had dated Bert, and he couldn’t imagine anyone being able to treat him like Jeph had. He couldn’t imagine Bert being so... weak.

“We had a fight... the worst fight we’d ever had.” Bert sighed, closing his eyes for a moment as he forced himself to remain calm. “It was about the drugs I think... I don’t remember it that much, the fight wasn’t important. He beat me until I couldn’t move and then stormed out, said he needed to clear his head. I lay in our room for three days waiting for him to get home but he never showed up... In the end once I’d managed to clean myself up and get some food in me I went looking for him. I was... worried. I thought he’d done something stupid.” Bert’s voice was wavering again, the lump thick in his throat making his words sound strange in his ears.

“I found him after only a couple hours... It was an accident really. I was getting anxious, felt like I needed something to make the search easier. I went to this warehouse you’re always guaranteed to find a dealer in. I got some stuff off a guy and then found Jeph when I was leaving, he was outside, just selling stuff. But the guy who was buying from him didn’t have any money, so he was sucking his dick instead.”

Gerard choked on his food at that, the blunt way Bert said it just making his stomach lurch. Of course he knew that some dealers let you pay with your body, but he hadn’t been imagining the story would take that route. He gawped at Bert with wide eyes, but the blonde man didn’t even seem to realise he had said anything shocking.

“I knew it was stupid but I got jealous. I threw the guy off him and beat him to a fucking pulp. God... By the time Jeph got me off him you couldn’t even recognise his face anymore.” Tears began to make tracks down Bert’s cheeks, the guilt thick in his voice. “I was just... I was so blind with rage, I was an idiot. And Jeph was just screaming at me, and I could hear sirens, way in the distance, probably nothing to do with that place but I freaked and ran. I didn’t know what to do, where to go... I was covered in this guy’s blood and I was so fucking scared. I just went home cos’ I didn’t know what else to do. I got in the shower in all my clothes and just sat there...”

Bert’s voice trailed off for a moment, his eyes fixed on his bowl of food but it was clear he was lost in the memory. Gerard considered taking his hand but he didn’t want to startle him, so he simply stared at him and waited for him to finish.

“I don’t think I was sat there long... Jeph got home pretty quickly and he came straight into the bathroom and dragged me out the shower. He was so angry... He was just shouting and shouting and I was so afraid, I just cowered there, soaking wet. He was yelling something about me putting us all at risk, saying I was gonna get us all thrown in jail... that I was an idiot and just... all this stuff. I didn’t even know he owned a knife, but then next thing I know he’s stabbed me and I’m on the floor... I don’t know why he left the bathroom, but I saw him leave and I just knew I had to go. I thought I was fucking dying ya know?” Bert laughed hollowly and shook his head, swallowing thickly.

“I used my t-shirt to press against the wound and grabbed a jacket but that’s all... I just wandered through the streets, expecting to drop down dead at any moment, too scared to look at the wound... I didn’t have a plan at that point... but then I walked past this fucking bus stop right? And there’s this ad for a new cartoon show, I don’t remember what it was called but your name was on there.” Bert finally turned his gaze on Gerard, his eyes sparkling. “I just stood there, staring at it like an idiot for ages... I didn’t know if it meant you but I was sort of half convinced it was like a fucking divine sign. I wasn’t thinking straight, I just knew I needed to get away from where Jeph would find me so I snuck onto the subway... luckily at that time of night no one gives a shit what you look like. I didn’t get stopped at all... I made it to Cartoon Network but of course it wasn’t open. I was fading fast at that point, but I wandered around and found this gay bar and... Well, I met some guy in the alley behind it, ended up begging him for help. He offered to let me stay with him if I fucked him so I agreed. I thought for sure I’d pass out before we got to his but I didn’t. I still had the cocaine on me so I took some as soon as we got to his and that got me through the weekend until I could see you.”

“Jesus...” Gerard breathed, his food long forgotten as he stared at Bert with wide eyes. He felt for sure he was going to be sick and he had to put his bowl down on the coffee table, Bert doing the same. The last thing either of them wanted to do then was eat. “I... Fuck Bert I... I don’t know what to say...”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Bert blushed, wiping his eyes and taking a deep breath to compose. He felt strangely better after telling Gerard everything and he slumped down into the couch with a soft sigh. He wanted nothing more than to just go to sleep. “I’ve only told you cos’ you asked me, it’s not important.”

“What? Bert of course it’s important.” Gerard gasped, moving closer to Bert and taking his hands in his, lacing their fingers and gazing at him with wide eyes. “The way he treated you that’s... God, that’s so not okay Bert. You need to promise me you will never go back to him okay? Promise.”

Bert sighed and glanced at Gerard timidly, hesitating for a long moment before Gerard began to grow tense and he slowly nodded his head. “Alright... I promise...”

>X<

Gerard felt exhausted as he doodled idly on a corner of some paper, his head resting in his hand and his eyes drooping. He had sat up all night, unable to sleep as his mind chewed over everything Bert had said. He had guessed already that is boyfriend must be abusive, but he hadn’t expected it to be as bad as it was. He supposed that was stupid of him really, after seeing a stab wound he should have realised that things with Jeph weren’t going to be rosy. It left him in quite the predicament... He needed to help Bert get a job and find a place to stay, but now he had to consider how to do that without Jeph finding Bert. The blonde man had timidly confessed that he believed Jeph would keep looking for him, he wouldnt let him just get away that easy and it was clear Bert was terrified, but not knowing where Jeph was looking, or even if he was at all, made everything harder.

Gerard sighed and ran a hand through his hair, struggling to stay awake. He was already having trouble sleeping what with thinking about Frank all the time; he couldn’t deal with Bert’s problems too... But he had promised to help him, and he couldn’t just turn his back on him now. Not when he had told him so much and put his trust in him.

“Mm... Come in...” Gerard called softly when there was a knock at his office door. He glanced up and forced a smile as Brian walked in, the younger man looking slightly anxious. Gerard laid down his pencil and sat up properly, rubbing his eyes and trying to summon up some energy. “Hey Bri...”

“Hey...” Brian mumbled, biting his lip nervously as he approached the desk and took his usual perch on it. “I uh... I got Matt to talk to Frank for you yesterday...”

“Yeah?” Gerard finally looked a little more awake at that, his face anxious as he gazed nervously at Brian. “What did he say?”

“He...” Brian sighed, hesitating a moment. He didn’t want to hurt Gerard, and he knew it was going to be like a kick in the teeth to hear Frank wasn’t interested in talking after Brian had given him some hope. He felt awful as he looked at the artist and quietly whispered that Frank had refused to agree to a conversation. “Matt tried his best Gee but... Well, Frank’s really stubborn...”

Brian bit his lip and tried to touch Gerard’s hand but the older man slowly drew it away before he could reach. Gerard’s heart had sunk miserably at the news but he couldn’t say he was surprised. He tried not to let his sadness show, not wanting Brian to feel guilty for something he couldn’t help.

“Oh well... Well thanks for trying anyway...” He muttered, bowing his head and allowing the weight of the situation to crush him. Frank really was gone, and he really was never going to be given a chance to explain. “I guess I better get back to work anyway so –”

“Gee...” Brian mewled, his heart twisting at the sorrow on Gerard’s face. “Look, he wouldn’t agree to talk but maybe if you uh...” Brian wracked his brains for something, anything that might make this situation better. He just wanted to help Gerard... Just wanted to see him happy again. “Maybe if you write him a letter? I could give it to Matt and then he’ll give it to Frank.”

“A letter?” Gerard looked up at Brian with a thoughtful expression, some of the pain in his eyes melting away as he considered it. Brian had thought of it on the spot, but he nodded instantly, pretending like he had had it planned all along.

“Sure. I mean... That way you can at least say whatever you wanted to say to him right? I can’t promise it’ll make him talk to you but at least then you’ll know you tried to clear things up...” Brian shrugged, Gerard nodding slowly, his fingertips pressed beneath his lower lip.

“Yeah... Yeah that’s right.” He agreed quietly, thinking about it for a long moment before he decided he just didn’t have anything to lose and he seized a piece of paper from the side of his desk and grabbed the first pen to hand. “And you’ll get it to him? Tonight?” He asked eagerly as he began to scribble, the words coming out of him in a rush. He knew that when Frank opened the letter he’d be tempted to throw it away the second he realised what it was, so Gerard worked to clear up as much as he could in the first few lines before he went into more detail and then grovelling.

“I uh... Sure. Yeah, I’ll give it to Matt on my lunch break...” Brian mumbled, staring with wide eyes at the way Gerard’s hand flew across the page. Brian hadn’t been expecting him to write it so quick, it was like he wasn’t putting any thought into it at all, but Brian knew that Gerard was a man of passion, and the words on that page would be the rawest and most real thing Frank had ever read.

“Thanks... God, thank you. Brian you’re amazing I... Thanks so much...” Gerard breathed, barely concentrating as he scribbled his name at the bottom of the page, hesitating a moment before he blushed and added ever so slowly. ’P.S. I love you so much.’ He had never told Frank he loved him before, but he knew that he needed to... he just needed Frank to know. Even if he never spoke to him again and only ever read the words in a rushed letter, he needed to know.

“That it?” Brian asked softly, Gerard’s cheeks still pink as he slid the letter into an unmarked envelope and handed it to Brian with a silent nod. “Alright, I’ll get it to Matt.” Brian jumped off the desk and smiled hesitantly at Gerard, gently squeezing his shoulder. “It’ll be okay...” He whispered, Gerard bowing his head though he forced a smile and a nod.

“I really hope so Bri... Just... Just make sure he gets the letter okay? As long as he reads it I’ll know I did all I could.”

>X<

“What’s this?” Frank looked curiously at the blank envelope Matt dropped on the table infront of him, the muscular man saying nothing as Frank picked it up and looked it over. They were sat outside a coffee shop, just people watching and killing time until Frank’s next photo shoot. The porn star opened the envelope but didn’t reach inside, hesitating as he looked at Matt and quirked an eyebrow questioningly at him.

“It’s just a letter.” Matt said quietly, sitting down opposite Frank and laying his elbows on the table. “Read it.”

Frank looked down at the envelope in his hands and then back at Matt’s carefully emotionless face. It didn’t take him long to put two and two together and he scowled as he folded the top of the envelope back over and began digging around in his pocket.

“It’s off him isn’t it?” He hissed, Matt frowning at him.

“Just read it Frank, it’s not going to hurt to just read it.”

“No! Fuck you; I don’t want to know what he has to say. I told you already, stop getting involved.” Frank snapped, his eyes blazing as he scowled at Matt and snatched his lighter from his pocket. “I know you and Bri are like, all in love now or whatever, and that Brian and Gerard are friends but just keep out of it. I don’t want to talk to him Matt, and I don’t want to read any shitty letter of his either.” Frank sparked a flame with his lighter and held it to the corner of the envelope, Matt gasping and trying to snatch it from him but Frank moved it out of his way and held his gaze with angry eyes as the flames ate at the envelope.

“Frank...” Matt groaned, watching in horror as the flames spread and consumed the envelope and the letter inside. “He loves you Frank...”

“No he doesn’t.” Frank whispered, dropping the corner he was holding just as the flames nearly reached his fingers, the rest of the envelope disappearing on the table. “And that is the last time you try to tell me I need to listen to him. Do it again and I’ll find myself a new agent.” Frank’s voice wavered, thick with tears but his eyes were stern and it was clear he meant it. Matt stared at him in surprise, his jaw growing tense as he clenched his teeth and gave a small, sharp nod.

“Good...” Frank whispered, grabbing his things and striding away as the wind picked up the ash from the table and blew it away into the street.