FicWad

“Oh, Goddamn it, come on. He’s mad enough as is,” The Author mutters, trying to get the fourth wall to focus. Youtube’s on the verge of a mental breakdown.
What’s it doing?
“She’s not-never mind. I can’t get a clear picture on her. Something’s wrong. Very wrong.”
The Author doesn’t need to turn around to know that her boss is behind her. He smells like cigarette smoke mixed with wet fur. It makes her want to gag, but she doesn’t. That would only make it worse.
What do you mean wrong?
“She’s freaking out. I’ve never seen her this bad.”
Are you positive? Look closer.

___________________________________________

They’ve never been this bad before. Never ever ever!

-Wake Up!-
-Make me your-
-Stop-
-Gone and-
-Think I’ve got it-
-It’s not even there-

Make it stop. Make it all stop. Please. Please. I press my hands to the side of my head. Voices are pounding against one another, slamming into the walls of my skull. I’ve never heard so many at once before. God! I can’t fucking do this! Please! PLEASE! PLEASE JUST SHUT UP! PLEASE!
I ball my knees up to my chest, rocking back and forth. No no no no too many too much-

-I wanted more than this-
-Your OTP can suck my dick-
-God!-
-Bloody sodding-

I’m crying. I don’t know what to do. Just make it all go away, even for a little bit.
-Bleed them out.-
-Bleed them all out.-
-Just one small line. Do it.-

No. I’m not going to listen to them. But they get louder and louder, like a swarm of wasps, and I barely hear it when Fanfiction.net messages me.

[Fanfiction.net (FFN) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

FFN: Hey! It’s time to step up and y’know, put machines in my house.
FFN: Or something.
FFN: This game is tough :(:
YTB: ehy.
YTB: srry. shit’s tough right now.
FFN: You okay?
FFN: You haven’t hit on me, which is weird, because you usually can’t keep your virtual mitts off me.

Are you fucking kidding SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!

YTB; mhm.
FFN: Yeah. So...uh wow, those meteors are getting really close, and my sister isn’t home, and I’m starting to think she might be...gone. For good.
YTB: sucks.
FFN: Yeah! And the meteors are getting really close to my house, and I’m on the roof right now, and all the houses around mine are on fire.
FFN: I’m kind of scared. A little.
YTB: sorry din catch that

-Gone and splinched my entire arm off-You can be the greatest-Split milk liar-Honey?-Baby?-Can you hear me-Rain’s falling-

FFN: GET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW BEFORE MY HOUSE LIGHTS UP LIKE DIE HARD.
YTB: k jeez funf

Ignoring the pounding of the voices in my skull, I open up the server player software. When it finally loads to FFN’s house, I drag-and-drop the two goddamn machines, then start messing around with his stuff. I click on the bathtub, then send it crashing down to the first floor, followed by the toilet.

FFN: YOUTUBE.
FFN: WHAT’RE YOU DOING.
FFN: YOUTUBE.
FFN: STAHP.
YTB: make me, mothetgsvuigthn
FFN: Easy on the rage spasms.
FFN: Gosh Darnit, you’ve wrecked the carpet. Yuck. It makes sounds when I step on it.
YTB: sucks

I rub my temples, and watch as Fanfiction.net engages in a talk with his cousin about what the machines do.
When he finally gets one working enough to spit out a sapphire cylinder, he does this completely geeky little victory jig, setting it on the second machine right away.
-Kill him. Kill them all.-
-Not worth it-
-DON’T LISTEN TO THEM!-

Ugh. Like I seriously need this.

WOULD YOU ALL JUST CRAM IT?

FFN: Hey. Youtube. You still there?
FFN: A meteor’s headed right for my house. It’s huge.
YTB: how big?
FFN: Does it matter?
FFN: “The Meteor headed right for my house is the size of Texas.”
FFN: OH NOOO.
FFN: “The Meteor headed right for my house is the size of Australia.”
FFN: OH NOOO.
YTB: lemme try
YTB: “The meteor headed right for your house is the size of your sister’s dick.”
YTB: OH SHIT SON WHAT NOW?
FFN: :’(:

One of the machines spits out a glowing dark blue sphere. Almost unthinkingly, I click on a Naruto poster and drag it into the sphere.
Almost immediately it begins to flash, stretching out into a humanoid shape.

FFN: AHAHHHHH! WHYYYY! I LOVED THAT POSTER!
FFN: And now I’ve got a Narutosprite.
FFN: Thanks. NOT.
FFN: Do you have any IDEA how many times I’ll have to listen to “Believe it!”?
YTB: add something else thewn.
FFN: Fine. I want my sprite to be sugoi desu, though.
YTB: Avatar fanart?
FFN: Not even a question.

I watch as FFN rips off some art-SHUT UP! GOD!- from his wall. Sure, he can look down on his cousin for her massive amounts of band-related Fan shit, but that boy cranks out just as much on the nights he can’t sleep. He writes fics to go with them, too. What an idiot. FFN throws the poster into Narutosprite, changing the shape of it, into something that introduces itself as Naraangsprite.
Naraangsprite looks amazing. He’s got a weird arrow on his forehead, and he’s got Naruto’s cat whisker marks. He’s got more arrows on his hands and running down his arms, and he seems to glow blue, right down to that gay-ass headband.
Fanfiction’s delighted, but he needs to focus.

YTB: HEY! LISTEN!
FFN: OMG this guy is sooo cool!
YTB: stfu and focus
YTB: your cylinder thing should be donw by nof.
The second machine’s carved the cylinder into a sword in the stone. The meaning’s pretty fucking clear, and Pretty Boy here don’t waste no time. Wrapping both hands on the sword, he screams out a goodbye, which could be like a ‘SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE!’
I don’t know, though.

The sword comes out without a hitch, and light emanates from the entire stone, engulfing FFN’s almost-on-fire suburban milk carton.
Then he’s gone. I’m the only person left on the face of the earth.
Grimly enough, I start to download the Homestuck software.