FicWad

Hey guys! This two-shot is based off an activity I did in my PSHE class recently. It's just something that I was inspired to do really randomly. I hope you enjoy it, and the next part should be up within the next few days!

~BulletproofNinja xo


I sat alone in my large white dressing room, a large mirror covering half of one wall with a white table in front of it. I had about an hour and a half until I had to go on stage with the rest of the band, and I personally couldn't wait. The shows were the only thing that made this whole gruelling process worth it. To see the looks of utter admiration on the faces of our fans made me feel like I was doing something to help. Made me feel as though I was making a difference. But it was in between shows that was the problem. Whenever I wasn't on stage, I'd shut myself in either my dressing room at the venues, my hotel room on overnight stays, or my bunk on the bus. I hardly spoke to anyone anymore. I just spent my days wallowing in self despair, criticising every little thing I did. It was ruining my once glowing personailty, and it was apparent that the others were beginning to notice.

"Gerard, could you come out here a minute?" Frank asked, knocking on the door to my dressing room.

I didn't answer, instead continuing to look at my reflection, my head resting on my hands as I leant across the table. I surveyed every inch of my appearance. My hair had been cropped short and bleached white, but was now back to its usual black, shaggy length. It made me feel a little more like the old me.

The old me that I dearly missed. The old me that never doubted himself, just got on with the shows because he loved them with all of his heart. The one who never doubted his performance skills, never doubted his own mind. The old confident version of me had been replaced with a timid, paranoid wreck who had lost every shred of confidence he'd ever had. It was frustrating to think about, and it caused me many moments of worry over the course of the tour. It was an extra stress, and I didn't cope very well with stress. My eyes were an intense shade of hazel, but even they had lost the light behind them. Even I could see the darkness behind them, evidence of my loss of hope, inspiration and motivation. They were once filled with happiness and laughter, but now the only expression they showed was hopelessness, being surrounded by a deep ring of black from the exhaustion I was feeling. I tried to mask the dark rings with vast amounts of smudged black eyeliner, but it didn't help bring back the light in my eyes. Especially since the black makeup was forming long watery trails of tears down my face, leaving me with streaks.

"Gerard?" Frank asked again, a little quieter this time.

"Yes, Frank?" I replied wearily, sitting up straight in my chair.

"Could you just come out for a second? It's a sort of last minute band meeting type thing... We want to talk to you... Okay, can you come out in five? Is that okay?" I nodded, before realising that he couldn't actually see me.

"Yeah. I'll see you in five." I heard the retreating thuds of Frank's footsteps as he walked away from my room, leaving me alone once again.

For a while, I just sat there playing with my empty mug of coffee, running my index finger around the brim of the cold pottery. I found it strangely relaxing, doing something as simple as that. Just playing with a random object, busying my mind with thoughts other than my self doubting ones. It made me feel.... Normal.

I stood up when I could no longer hear Frank's footsteps, and began to clean myself up. I wiped off the black stains on my cheeks, and replaced the eyeliner with a fresh layer. I decided that I might as well get ready for the show, considering the fact that I wanted to put off going out there for as long as possible. I unzipped my jacket and threw it over the back of my chair. I pulled my shirt over my head and put it with the jacket. As I looked in the mirror, I stretched my arms up over my head, yawning. As I did so, I noticed my ribs and hip bones jutting out of my papery white skin, making me look starved.

"It's the stress." I muttered aloud, trying to reassure myself that I was healthy.

With one last disgusted look at my own reflection, I walked over to the rack full of my clothes. I picked out a tight black t shirt and pulled it on, feeling restricted as the stretchy fabric clung to my body. Then after searching through all of my jackets, I finally found my military jacket for onstage. I didn't bother putting that on, I just slung it over my shoulder as I picked up my phone, shoving it into the pocket of my skin tight jeans. I fixed my messy hair as best I could, but it wasn't going right. In the end, I gave up with a sigh, tried my best to put on a smile in the mirror. It wasn't fooling me, let alone anyone else... With one final disheartened glance at my reflection, I slouched out of my dressing room.

As I walked down the hall towards the main backstage area, I wondered what the guys wanted to talk to me about... Was it serious? Had I done something wrong? The second was most probable, so I continued on my way, eyes to the floor.

"Hey, Gee!" I looked up as I heard my brother call over-enthusiastically. He had a look of worry spread over his face, his brow creased in frustration at something. His dark brown hair was all messy and it stuck out in all directions. He'd taken to wearing eyeliner now, which was very unlike how he used to be. It made his deep hazel eyes shine bright. God, he was so different now. He wasn't my little brother, who I read comics with, or the brother who needed me to look after him. He was grown up now... And I was so proud of him, of what he'd become.

I just smiled and sat down at the table they were all seated at, staying silent. The atmosphere was awkward for a second, before Frank clapped his hands, gaining all of our attentions.

"Right, Gee. We wanted to talk to you about something. And then I have something that I hope will fix that." I didn't reply, just continued looking at him, my lips pursed as I surveyed him.

".... Okay...? Well, it would kinda help if I knew what the problem was, don't you think?" I asked, probably harsher than I'd intended, and I saw the hurt on Frank's face as he looked at me. "I'm sorry." I sighed. "I'm just a little bit messed up at the moment, I didn't mean to snap." I half smiled at him, which made him cheer up slightly.

"Well, actually... That's what we got you here for. We're all extremely worried about you, Gerard." He bit his lip, thinking hard. "You haven't been yourself lately. Whenever we aren't on stage, you're hardly around us, you always make sure you're away from us. And... You've been getting a little bit thin as well... You haven't been eating properly." Frank explained.

"That's not true!" I protested. He just looked at me, a single, perfectly shaped eyebrow arched questioningly. "I mean it! It's just... I don't know, I guess it's just the stress, that's all." I shrugged, rubbing my shoulder.

Frank continued to stare at me. His beautiful eyes shone a light hazel, with small flecks of golden brown around the pupil, kind of similar to the colour of mine and Mikey's eyes. I couldn't stop myself from analyzing his features. His skin was an amazingly flawless shade of olive, making him look radiant in the bright lights of the room. He wiggled his small, button nose slightly- a habit of his, as he looked at me. Finally, I turned my attention to his rose coloured lips. Lips that he was currently biting in a very distracting manner. He was a beautiful person, I'd always thought that, ever since I met him. I think he knows it too, because I've told him often enough.

"Gerard, I need you to listen to us." He sighed, his voice tainted with sadness. "We want to help you, it kills us to see you like this. You're not happy, and you're not yourself anymore." I open my mouth to argue, but nothing comes out. I have no reasonable reply to that. It's all true, I'm not myself anymore, and I'm definitely not happy.

"You're right." I breathed quietly, running a hand through my hair. "I'm not happy. But what the hell do you expect me to do about it? I don't exactly like it, I HAVE tried you know. It's just difficult."

"We know, Gerard, but no matter what the situation, you can always talk to one of us."

"Yeah, Gerard. We love you so much, you're like a brother to me." Ray added, gazing at me with his deep brown eyes. "Whenever you feel like this, come to us." I smiled at him.

"Thank you. I just didn't want to.. you know.. burden you with my problems."

"You're not a burden! You're awesome, and a great friend!" Bob exclaimed, getting his point across.

"Yeah, like Bob said. You're a great friend, so we'd do anything for you." Frank continued, leaning closer towards me. "Right. Now. Onto my solution." He gestured towards a pile of paper in the middle of the table.

"What's that for?"

"Just take a piece, and a pen." I did as he asked, and sat there with a confused expression on my face. The others did the same as me, all turning to face Frank. "We're all going to take part in this, so don't feel like we're singling you out."

"But what exactly are we doing?" I looked down at my paper, which I noticed had a heart on one side, and a sad face on the other side. "What are these pictures for?"

"I'm glad you asked, Gerard." He turned his sheet of paper onto the sad face. "On this side, I want you to write a list of things that you don't like about yourself.

"What the hell? What's the other side-"

"Just be quiet and do it, I'll explain what the other side's for when we get to it. But right now, I want all of us to write on the negative side first, okay?" The were mumbles of understanding around the table and everyone began to write.

How could these guys have things they don't like about themselves? They were all amazing, friendly, happy people. Everyone liked them, and they always put on good shows, the fans loved them. I loved them.

I sighed, looking at Frank scathingly, before beginning to write on my paper.

'I hate the way I am with people. My skin is too pale. My face is too round. I'm unsociable. I'm always scared of what people think of me. I hate how I've changed from how I used to be. I'm weak. I'm always stressed out. I'm a bastard. I'm a terrible friend. I have an ugly nose. I have dark circles under my eyes. My hands are weird and spider like. I lie to my friends. I'm a bad brother. My cheeks are chubby. I've lost my confidence on stage. I find it hard to get motivated. I have a chubby stomach, and terrible legs. I hate myself.'

"Right, is everyone done?" Frank asked, his paper and pen on the table in front of him. I tried to sneak a look at his sheet, but I only saw a few words written down. Lucky for some. But he shouldn't have anything on there.

"Okay then, now I'd like you to turn your sheet over to the heart side." We all did as he asked. "On this side, I want you to write a list of things you like about yourself." He looked at me, while I just stared back, chewing my lip in thought.

What the hell could I write on this sheet?! I looked around at my bandmates, all of whom were scribbling away on the page, oblivious to my pause. As I continued to watch them, an idea came to my head. I put my pen to paper.

'I like the band I'm in. I like how my friends all make me feel like I belong somewhere. I like my music taste. My eyes are a nice colour.' I paused again, tapping my pen to my chin... I couldn't think of any more, so I put my pen down and started tapping my foot to a non existent beat.

I waited about another two minutes for the other to finish writing. Frank put his pen down and glanced down at my sheet. His mouth turned down in a sad little frown, and I felt really bad. He looked so upset. And then, as soon as the frown appeared, it was gone as he shook his head and looked up.

"Okay, everybody's done, I assume..." The guys all grunted in response. Frank took this for a yes and carried on speaking. "We're not going to show anyone these pieces of paper, they are for our own benefit only. But to finish off this task, I need you to write your name at the top of these sheets of paper." He handed more sheets of paper out to us, these ones just plain white. He looked around at all of us in turn, and began to explain what we were doing. "With these sheets of paper, we're going to pass them round the table, and you're not allowed to look until the end. Each of you guys will write what you like about whoever's name is on the sheet of paper... Do you understand what you have to do?" He was again answered by nods. "Okay, then... Let's go."

I passed my sheet over to Frank, who passed his sheet to Ray. Ray passed his sheet to Bob, and Bob passed his sheet to Mikey, who passed his own sheet to me. I just took the sheet and put it on the table in front of me, thinking only briefly of what to put for my brother.

'Mikey... You're my little brother, and you've always been there for me. I love how carefree you are, never worrying about how people see you. You're just so easy going and laid back, everyone finds it so easy to get along with you. Your personality just lights up a room, with your ability to remove any tension with a smile. You've always had faith in me, even in my darkest times. You never gave up, and I love you so much.' I sniffed, a little overwhelmed by the emotion I was feeling. After composing myself, I finished off by signing my paragraph. 'XOXO, G.'

As soon as I'd put my pen down, Frank called out again. "Right, next person, different sheets."

The sheets were all passed around the table again, Mikey handing me Bob's. I didn't look at what Mikey had put, I just put my own feelings down.

'Bob, you have got to be the kindest person I've ever met. You never fail to make me smile, and you're always joking around. You know how to have fun, but at the same time, I can always count on you to discuss my problems with. You're so protective of us, treating us like brothers, and we never really tell you how much we appreciate it. You're the most chilled out guy I know, and hardly ever get angry with people, and I admire you for that. You're an awesome guy, and an amazing friend.' I signed my paragraph in the same way as before, and put my pen down on the table. I glanced up at Bob, who was scribbling furiously on his sheet of paper, which belonged to Frank.

"Okay, next!" We swapped over again, I had Ray's sheet this time.

'Ray, I just have to say that you are an extremely talented person, and an amazing guitarist. The way that you act with people, it just makes them instantly like you. I've never heard you say a bad word against anybody, and nobody has EVER said anything remotely negative about you. I constantly feel privelaged to have you as a friend, and I feel as though I never tell you this. You're an amazing friend, and I hope you never change, because you're awesome the way you are. XOXO, G.'

"Okay, last one now guys, swap!" We passed the sheets around for the last time, and I ended up with Frank's in my hand.

I was feeling slightly nervous about this one. Not that I couldn't find anything nice to say about him, no, writing good things about Frank was easy, because there are literally so many. He was just so... Well, he was incredible special to me, and I think I felt more towards him than any of the others. I took a deep breath and began to pour my heart out into writing a paragraph worthy enough to describe him in the perfect light.

'Frank... You're absolutely awesome, I've never known anyone who could say a bad word about you. You're confident in what you do, and you put everything you have into it, it's inspiring to watch. I love how you have the ability to make people smile, even on their worst days. It's helped me a lot in the past, that's for sure. I love the way you wriggle your nose when you think about things, it's like a little bunny. Your eyes are amazing, so honest and beautiful in the way you look at me. You always see the good in people, even when there's hardly any there. You've always been such an amazing friend to me, and I can't thank you enough. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I owe you so much frank, I mean, you always go out of your way to make me feel better, to try and make me happy. You're an incredible human being.... And I love you, Frank. So much.' I exhaled deeply, looking over the last line of the page. I decided I couldn't risk it, so I scribbled out my true feelings.....

I couldn't tell him I loved him, he'd hate me. And even if he didn't hate me, he'd never look at me in the same way ever again. I just didn't think I could take it if I didn't have Frank there for me, picking me up when I'm down...


You likey? Drop me a review to let me know! Next installment coming soon!
~BulletproofNinja