Categories > Original > Drama > This Love, This Hate
This Love, This Hate
0 reviewsBasically the journal I've been keeping for a while, with sporadic updates. This is unedited, there are no name changes, everything here actually happened and is my real thought or emotion. No judg...
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This Love, This Hate
24/05/12, 12:37 am
So I was thinking about calling this Dashboard Confessions. ‘Cause that’s a band and this is about confessions. But I’ve never listened to that band, so I’d feel crappy about using their name.
Anyway, confessions. Where to start? And without sounding desperate or creepy or F.I.N.E.
Well I’ll start with the kinky fan girl stuff.
I spent like that last 4 hours reading a combination of Waycest and Frerard, because let’s face it: Slash fanfics are fucking hot. Like, I wish (occasionally) that I was a gay guy. Then I could actually do that shit, rather than just read about it. Like what pleasure does a girl get from anal? WE HAVE NO PROSTATES. It’s damn ironic that most of the authors of gay fanfics are girls. Horny, adolescent girls that want straight rock stars to get it on.
EG: Andley, Frerard, Waycest, Frikey, Fray, RayxMikey, Letocest, Shomo, Randy I COULD GO ON.
My point is it’s just stupid that we females torture ourselves like this. We won’t ever witness it, or be part of it, or experience anything like it, yet we still dream it up and write it! OH, the irony of straight girls wanting to be in gay male relationships. I never cease to amaze myself with my gift for being completely illogical. AND THEN (time for bald-faced honesty) we actually get turned on by it! I have to hide my smirk when I get asked if I watch gay porn. No, I don’t watch it. I read it. And one day I’ll write it.
Next confession: I might just possibly, maybe, be a little bit of a whore, probably.
Why? I just about had an aneurism when Sami said “… kiss Corey…” which is weird cause he’s Corey and he’s so cool and he gets us and he’s like one of my best male friends. But I still think: “Where the fuck were you when I was single!?”
Hell to the yes am I crazy about Tyler. As in the son of a bitch actually drives me crazy. But I want from him that security of knowing ‘I will go back to that person at the end of the day’. I want a crazy screaming, slapping, hormones everywhere fight. I want him to slap me so hard I get whiplash. And then I’ll spit out the blood and kiss him, tongue and all, and my blood will be everywhere, on our clothes and in our mouths and it’ll finally taste right because I’ll be home because it’s Tyler and we’ll hate each other and we’ll love each other and we’ll be so fucked up no one can help us and we’ll be ok with that.
And of course I really want this from HER. I don’t like sleeping anymore because of HER. I cry every night because of HER. She’s the base of everything. I want to go up to her, tears in my eyes and all, and say, no, SCREAM:
“I FUCKING LOVE YOU STILL!! AND I’M SORRY AND I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY BECAUSE THAT’S ALL I WANT AND I NEED YOU BACK, YOU FUCKING BITCH!! YOU’VE STILL GOT PIECES OF ME AND I DON’T EVEN WANT THEM BACK BUT TAKE THE REST OF ME TOO!!”
And she’ll say “no”. And she’ll turn around and he’ll be there and she’s happy now with him and that makes me happy even when I’m screaming it all on the inside.
3rd Confession: I don’t sleep if I can help it.
There’s too much blood in my body and my veins need drained and I’ll have nightmares or SHE will be there or I won’t dream at all, which scares me most. I need my dreams; they guide me and they scare me and they terrify me and I cry because of what I see and I need to be imperfect the way I am in my dreams. A perfect imperfection. So casually broken it’s cool. And I need the nightmares because I want to be able to say “Hey look at me I need help but I don’t want it and can I get your sympathy because I’m a mess?”
Next: I’m a fucking attention whore.
I cut myself and I can’t wait to show Gozza. Like, “hey I cut myself can I show you so I know you care and then I get to be the centre of your universe for even just a minute?” Or like: “Here have my USB but pretty please don’t go through it! Because then I get to act all panicky while you do and I get to imagine what you thought or I get to be in the big confrontation because yes I’m just fucking like that and I want the drama as much as I hate it because I LIED I LOVE IT.”
Next: Cutting myself.
And HEY here’s where I get to do my attention seeking thing. Oh woe is me I cut myself let’s put me on display as exhibit ‘A’ of teenage depression. Such bullshit. I cut myself because I get to go “Hey everybody look at me I need help, but jks not really I’m Marla Singer and this isn’t really suicide it’s a fucking cry for help but YOU WON’T FUCKING LISTEN because I tell you not to.” That and it just feels better. And it fascinates me, I want to know how far I can go before it’s TOO far, and I like the blood and I like that it’s sick and twisted that every time I cut myself I lick up the blood because I tell myself it tastes good and I like it cold because it’s dead and sticky and it’s like glue on your nerves and your taste buds. And I don’t go: cut here for maximum drama. I cut where my skin tells me to. If I don’t cut it and peel myself away from it all, the tension and the build-up of WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS won’t go away and I’ll lose myself to that one spot where my whole being condensed to one point and started festering with all the corruption and the regret and the wrongness of me.
6th confession: Caitlyn
WTF IS UP WITH THIS!?!?!?!? Am I into her, am I not, is she my best hope or does she keep putting me back on that shelf I have in mind when I think of the way SHE made me feel, I DON’Y FUCKING KNOW AND IT’S KILLING ME. And Paul. Fucking Paul can back right off because until I figure this out, she is MINE.
Confession number 7: Loyalty
My parents love me and yadda yadda yeah I know but I think loyalty to my friends means so much to me because I wasn’t given it (completely subjective viewpoint). You fuck with my friends and you fuck with me and all I want is for someone maybe to be that for ME. Parents are supposed to love you unconditionally. But mine? I come to them and say I’m in love with another girl? HELL TO THE NO. “We’ll punish that right out of you because it can’t be real love and if you ever drag our name through the dirt again you will be out on your ass, but hey we’re reasonable aren’t we?” So loyalty now to those I love and those who were there for me through it all and still continue to be. Even the people I’ve never met that don’t know I exist.
THAT’S ALL (for now) FOLKS!!!
I’LL LEAVE YOU WITH MY SPIN CYCLE FOR THE PAST WHILE.
All because of you, I haven’t slept in so long, when I do I dream, of drowning in the asphalt, all because of you, yeah I believe in angels, no not the kind with wings, no not the kind with halos, the kind that bring you home, when home is just a strange place, I’ll follow your voice, all you have to do is shout it out. – The Good Left Undone, Rise Against
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past… come with me and take my hand, I’ll lead you to a wonderland, a world that’s free of hate and lies, where beauty lives and evil dies, relax your mind and close your eyes, heaven’s what you visualise, my wings of gold kill all despair, just trust in me, I’ll take you there… - My Gift and My Curse, Blood On The Dance Floor
These lies are leading me astray, it’s too much for me to stay, I don’t wanna live, this destiny, it goes on endlessly, I see you, so please stay strong, I’ll sing you one last song, and then I’m gone, I don’t wanna live, this destiny, it goes on endlessly… let these words strengthen all your views, ‘cause these words were meant for you… THIS LOVE, THIS HATE, IT’S BURNING ME AWAY… - This Love, This Hate, Hollywood Undead
Provehito in Altum, keep your boots tight and your gun close, and die with your mask on if you have to.
24/05/12, 12:37 am
So I was thinking about calling this Dashboard Confessions. ‘Cause that’s a band and this is about confessions. But I’ve never listened to that band, so I’d feel crappy about using their name.
Anyway, confessions. Where to start? And without sounding desperate or creepy or F.I.N.E.
Well I’ll start with the kinky fan girl stuff.
I spent like that last 4 hours reading a combination of Waycest and Frerard, because let’s face it: Slash fanfics are fucking hot. Like, I wish (occasionally) that I was a gay guy. Then I could actually do that shit, rather than just read about it. Like what pleasure does a girl get from anal? WE HAVE NO PROSTATES. It’s damn ironic that most of the authors of gay fanfics are girls. Horny, adolescent girls that want straight rock stars to get it on.
EG: Andley, Frerard, Waycest, Frikey, Fray, RayxMikey, Letocest, Shomo, Randy I COULD GO ON.
My point is it’s just stupid that we females torture ourselves like this. We won’t ever witness it, or be part of it, or experience anything like it, yet we still dream it up and write it! OH, the irony of straight girls wanting to be in gay male relationships. I never cease to amaze myself with my gift for being completely illogical. AND THEN (time for bald-faced honesty) we actually get turned on by it! I have to hide my smirk when I get asked if I watch gay porn. No, I don’t watch it. I read it. And one day I’ll write it.
Next confession: I might just possibly, maybe, be a little bit of a whore, probably.
Why? I just about had an aneurism when Sami said “… kiss Corey…” which is weird cause he’s Corey and he’s so cool and he gets us and he’s like one of my best male friends. But I still think: “Where the fuck were you when I was single!?”
Hell to the yes am I crazy about Tyler. As in the son of a bitch actually drives me crazy. But I want from him that security of knowing ‘I will go back to that person at the end of the day’. I want a crazy screaming, slapping, hormones everywhere fight. I want him to slap me so hard I get whiplash. And then I’ll spit out the blood and kiss him, tongue and all, and my blood will be everywhere, on our clothes and in our mouths and it’ll finally taste right because I’ll be home because it’s Tyler and we’ll hate each other and we’ll love each other and we’ll be so fucked up no one can help us and we’ll be ok with that.
And of course I really want this from HER. I don’t like sleeping anymore because of HER. I cry every night because of HER. She’s the base of everything. I want to go up to her, tears in my eyes and all, and say, no, SCREAM:
“I FUCKING LOVE YOU STILL!! AND I’M SORRY AND I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY BECAUSE THAT’S ALL I WANT AND I NEED YOU BACK, YOU FUCKING BITCH!! YOU’VE STILL GOT PIECES OF ME AND I DON’T EVEN WANT THEM BACK BUT TAKE THE REST OF ME TOO!!”
And she’ll say “no”. And she’ll turn around and he’ll be there and she’s happy now with him and that makes me happy even when I’m screaming it all on the inside.
3rd Confession: I don’t sleep if I can help it.
There’s too much blood in my body and my veins need drained and I’ll have nightmares or SHE will be there or I won’t dream at all, which scares me most. I need my dreams; they guide me and they scare me and they terrify me and I cry because of what I see and I need to be imperfect the way I am in my dreams. A perfect imperfection. So casually broken it’s cool. And I need the nightmares because I want to be able to say “Hey look at me I need help but I don’t want it and can I get your sympathy because I’m a mess?”
Next: I’m a fucking attention whore.
I cut myself and I can’t wait to show Gozza. Like, “hey I cut myself can I show you so I know you care and then I get to be the centre of your universe for even just a minute?” Or like: “Here have my USB but pretty please don’t go through it! Because then I get to act all panicky while you do and I get to imagine what you thought or I get to be in the big confrontation because yes I’m just fucking like that and I want the drama as much as I hate it because I LIED I LOVE IT.”
Next: Cutting myself.
And HEY here’s where I get to do my attention seeking thing. Oh woe is me I cut myself let’s put me on display as exhibit ‘A’ of teenage depression. Such bullshit. I cut myself because I get to go “Hey everybody look at me I need help, but jks not really I’m Marla Singer and this isn’t really suicide it’s a fucking cry for help but YOU WON’T FUCKING LISTEN because I tell you not to.” That and it just feels better. And it fascinates me, I want to know how far I can go before it’s TOO far, and I like the blood and I like that it’s sick and twisted that every time I cut myself I lick up the blood because I tell myself it tastes good and I like it cold because it’s dead and sticky and it’s like glue on your nerves and your taste buds. And I don’t go: cut here for maximum drama. I cut where my skin tells me to. If I don’t cut it and peel myself away from it all, the tension and the build-up of WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS won’t go away and I’ll lose myself to that one spot where my whole being condensed to one point and started festering with all the corruption and the regret and the wrongness of me.
6th confession: Caitlyn
WTF IS UP WITH THIS!?!?!?!? Am I into her, am I not, is she my best hope or does she keep putting me back on that shelf I have in mind when I think of the way SHE made me feel, I DON’Y FUCKING KNOW AND IT’S KILLING ME. And Paul. Fucking Paul can back right off because until I figure this out, she is MINE.
Confession number 7: Loyalty
My parents love me and yadda yadda yeah I know but I think loyalty to my friends means so much to me because I wasn’t given it (completely subjective viewpoint). You fuck with my friends and you fuck with me and all I want is for someone maybe to be that for ME. Parents are supposed to love you unconditionally. But mine? I come to them and say I’m in love with another girl? HELL TO THE NO. “We’ll punish that right out of you because it can’t be real love and if you ever drag our name through the dirt again you will be out on your ass, but hey we’re reasonable aren’t we?” So loyalty now to those I love and those who were there for me through it all and still continue to be. Even the people I’ve never met that don’t know I exist.
THAT’S ALL (for now) FOLKS!!!
I’LL LEAVE YOU WITH MY SPIN CYCLE FOR THE PAST WHILE.
All because of you, I haven’t slept in so long, when I do I dream, of drowning in the asphalt, all because of you, yeah I believe in angels, no not the kind with wings, no not the kind with halos, the kind that bring you home, when home is just a strange place, I’ll follow your voice, all you have to do is shout it out. – The Good Left Undone, Rise Against
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past… come with me and take my hand, I’ll lead you to a wonderland, a world that’s free of hate and lies, where beauty lives and evil dies, relax your mind and close your eyes, heaven’s what you visualise, my wings of gold kill all despair, just trust in me, I’ll take you there… - My Gift and My Curse, Blood On The Dance Floor
These lies are leading me astray, it’s too much for me to stay, I don’t wanna live, this destiny, it goes on endlessly, I see you, so please stay strong, I’ll sing you one last song, and then I’m gone, I don’t wanna live, this destiny, it goes on endlessly… let these words strengthen all your views, ‘cause these words were meant for you… THIS LOVE, THIS HATE, IT’S BURNING ME AWAY… - This Love, This Hate, Hollywood Undead
Provehito in Altum, keep your boots tight and your gun close, and die with your mask on if you have to.
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