FicWad

Disclaimer: Wouldn't it be cool to be the 'author' of Bleach? Yeah, well I'm not. Kubo Tite is. And he has done a wonderful piece of art. :) I only borrowed his characters and came up with a little story of my own.

Note: I'm really, really, really, really sorry for the extremely long delay. I can make up hundreds of excuses, but I believe in honesty: I just haven't had the strength or will to write. Chapter 4 has been on paper for long, but the step to putting it into the computer has been a hard one. And it even turned out longer on the computer then on the paper, so I decided to divide it into two chapters instead. Seriously, what turned to chapter four were only 2 pages in the draft. So you can say that it was a very rough draft.

Note 2: I always wanted to write a story that included Hanatarou. He so cute! And I think I did very well on his and Renji's bonding conversation. I think it turned out quite cute and funny. Well, I shouldn't say more and spoil everything.

Chapter Four

After coming back to Soul Society, Renji had spent weeks just wandering around. All the thoughts had circled round and round, making it impossible to clear even one out. Every time he felt like he was coming to a conclusion, everything just broke apart in thousands of pieces and he had to start from the beginning again.
Right know he was walking around, unable to stop at one place because of the feeling of emptiness. Walking around was like trying to escape from the darkness that gathered when he stopped. But soon even that wouldn't help.
Everyone who saw him could see how the thoughts had dragged out all of his strength and left an almost empty body. His eyes were never focused and his thoughts always somewhere else. To tell him even the simplest thing could take several minutes longer than it should. Words had to be repeated over and over again.
Few knew the source of Renji's uneasiness. Those who knew kept away with mixed feelings of hate and compassion. Those who didn't know kept distance in fear or lack of understanding. Renji couldn't care less. He didn't want or need any false sympathy. He didn't need anyone hanging over his shoulder, talking about nothing. He was relived that no one seemed to even bother to speak to him. Though he knew that they were talking about him behind his back. How could they not? Had there ever been such juicy gossip before in Soul Society?
But even though he was relieved that he was left to his thoughts, he hated it. For every day that went by, he could feel as dark clouds grew around him, and how the world seemed to shrink and dissolve around him. Everywhere he went, someone would look at him with hate or disgust. They would whisper or plainly ignore him. And coldest of them all was Byakuya. Though Renji didn't blame him. Byakuya was probably, apart from Rukia, the one whose pride was mostly hurt. Byakuya had never really been fond of the wedding between Rukia and Ichigo, but he wasn't exactly pleased about the disgraceful ending of it. But Renji couldn't really change the past, even if he wanted too.
That and more had been on his mind the last couple of weeks. Though the thing that seemed to dwell most on his mind was the last words of advice Rukia had left him with. With eyes red from crying and tears still falling down, she had told him to love Ichigo. And of that he had of course thought of. Loving Ichigo. Was that possible?
Renji sighed and strangely enough, he stopped to overlook the scenery. As if ordered the thoughts clogged up in his mind, and craved for attention. He started walking again, seeing how that seemed to be the only way to escape.
He could easily remember that fatal night which had changed everything. No matter how much time went by, it still felt like it just had happened yesterday. "Why do you love me? What do you see in me?"
Trough all this time he had gotten absolutely no work down and it was piling up on his desk. But there was no way he could get anything done in the state he was now. Unable to sit still, unable to concentrate. Until his thoughts and feelings were sorted out, he wouldn't get anything done. It wasn't even worth trying to. He sighed and wished that he would be able to put all these thoughts behind him. But he just had to realize that there was no way escaping. The images from that day would burn in the back of his head forever. Rukia's smile as she looked at Ichigo by the altar. The expression of betrayal in Rukia's eyes looking at him, as she was standing there in her wedding dress. The words she had spoken to Renji in anger. The tears she cried as she told him to love Ichigo. Ichigo's smile just the moment before he had kissed Renji. Ichigo's tears as Renji had thrown away Ichigo's love like trash. "I'm the worst. I'm trash. No, worse. Mould on trash." He felt ill. He wanted to go back. Change everything. Tell Ichigo... "Tell you what? I... think I... but... Rukia..."
"A-abarai-san..."
Renji turned to were the voice came from.
"Hanatarou," he exclaimed surprised as he saw the nervous member of the 4th squad.
"I-I... well... I..."
Renji watched as Hanatarou stood in front of him, trying to find the words to say. Then he looked around to find that others were looking at them, waiting for what was coming. Renji sighed and turned back to Hanatarou.
"You really shouldn't speak to me. You should just do what everyone else does. Or you to will be caught up in this, and no one will speak to you."
Hanatarou took a deep breath.
"I-it's alright. I-I'm not that... I mean, no one speaks to me anyway. Well, no one did before Ichigo-san."
And there it was again. His name. The name that was on everyone's lips nowadays, and on Renji's mind every single minute.
"I-it's just him, and Rukia-san and Ganju-san... It's only them that speak to me... "
The young man went silent. Renji smiled weakly. "Poor guy. How can one as small and frail as he withstand this kind of treatment?"
"I just wanted... wanted to ask how... if you're alright. I now... I can understand what you're going through. I've been... It's like this for me everyday..."
For the second time Renji was surprised by this frail young man. "Why is he...? Why does he care about me? How can he still be able after what he goes through everyday?"
"I... don't know... why do you... ask?"
Hanatarou blushed.
"Because you... y-you're a... friend of Ichigo-san and Rukia-san... and they are the first ones to be nice to me and I just don't want them or any of their friends to be sad, or... anything like that..."
Renji closed his eyes and sighed.
"You were at the wedding. I don't deserve to be called their friend. Especially not Rukia's. Why don't you despise me as everyone else? It's really not that hard. I even despise my self. I know very well what I've done, and I'm not exactly proud of it, but it still doesn't change the fact that it was wrong, stupid and... Just hate me. It's easier that way."
The nervous shinigami looked down to the ground, as if the meaning of the words in some way had hurt him.
"I... can not do that... Rukia-san... she doesn't..."
Renji cursed.
"Don't you ever think for yourself?!"
Hanatarou shrugged back at the sudden attack.
"Why do you always put others before yourself?!"
"I-I..."
"Speak up! I can't hear you!"
Renji watched as the face of the man before him changed. It was like every feeling that ever was tried to find a place in one expression. The silence that had followed after Renji's burst out was deafening. It was broken by a suffocated sob from Hanatarou. "Shit!" Then suddenly Hanatarou's face decided on a feeling. Anger. Hanatarou's small hands clenched as to emphasize the anger even further.
"Well, sorry for worrying about a friend! Or at least what I thought was a friend!"
Renji shrugged back in surprise.
"But I-I won't... hate you! You to have been nice to me, and I thought of you as a friend! And Rukia-san talked to me and told me and I think I can understand and... I do not think you're a bad person and I..."
The words faded into nothing and the sobbing took over. Renji cursed and looked away. "Shit! Shit! Shit!" He turned back to Hanatarou, who amazingly still was standing on the same spot.
"Eh... I... Sorry about that. I didn't mean to yell at you or anything I just..."
Hanatarou wiped of the tears with the sleeves on his shinigami outfit.
"It's not you that I'm angry at. It's everyone else here, who haven't even got the guts to stand for what they think. Just whispering in the shadows."
Renji looked around him and confirmed his belief that everyone was looking at the, pointed and whispered. He sighed.
"No. The one I'm really angry at is myself. Sorry for letting it out on you."
He turned and smiled to Hanatarou.
"Did you mean it? I mean, do you really mean it? Even know?"
Hanatarou looked up at Renji.
"What do you mean, Abarai-san?"
"You think of me as a friend? Even after all this?"
Again a faint blush spread over Hanatarou's cheeks and he bowed down his head, trying to hide the blush.
"I-I do. Rukia forgave you, and so can I."
Renji sighed.
"Again, you're not really thinking for yourself. If she hadn't forgiven me, would you?"
Hanatarou looked up again.
"You can't deal in 'could-have-been-situations'. What happened, happened. And in the end we're talking about some strong forces."
Renji looked at the smaller man with surprise. Then he started laughing.
"You sound just like Rukia."
The blush on Hanatarou's cheeks grew deeper in colour. Renji sighed out of relief. For the first time in weeks he felt at peace.
"Thanks Hana-san. Talking to you made me a lot calmer. I think I finally can get to the bottom of all these feelings and thoughts."
Hanatarou just stayed silent, with the deep-red blush still in his face. He opened his mouth and closed it, then opened it again only to close it once more. It was like he wanted to say something but just couldn't find the words. Then he straightened his back, cleared his throat and Renji saw something new growing in the young mans posture.
"You're welcome, Abarai-san."
Renji laughed.
"By all means, say Renji."
Hanatarou blinked his eyes a few times.
"Renji-san," he said softly, nervously tasting the words.
Renji laughed again.
"Guess that'll have to do."
He patted Hanatarou on the head, just as he always done with Rukia. He came to realize that this entire conversation had almost been like talking to Rukia. With some differences. Rukia would never be able to understand his loneliness in the same way as Hanatarou did. Because she had never been through it.
"Oh. I-I almost forgot. Kuchiki-taichou is looking for you."
Renji froze in the part of a second. "Why?"
"He said that you should report in as soon as possible. I should have said it earlier. I'm really sorry. I forgot. I..."
Renji shook his head slightly, still somewhat stunned.
"It's okay. Thanks. I'll go now. See ya!"
Renji turned around fast and hurried back to the sixth division. Now standing alone, Hanatarou looked at Renji quickly hurrying back. He had just passed by the sixth division, when Kuchiki-taichou had asked him to get the message to Renji. Hanatarou had accepted, giving him a chance to talk to Renji. But the look on Kuchiki-taichou's face had been frightening.

Renji stooped just outside of Byakuya's office and tried to force his heart to calm down, but with no success. He took a deep breath and opened the door. He walked in and kneeled down on one knee in front of Byakuya.
"Kuchiki-taichou."
Byakuya looked down at Renji, but stayed silent.
"Yamada-kun said that you..."
"Abarai-kun."
Renji felt his whole body go stiff and how cold shivers went down his spine. The atmosphere was extremely tense, and Renji felt how his hands were getting sweaty even though he felt like it was well below zero degrees. The seconds waiting for Byakuya's next word felt like hours. Renji felt how he started to tremble slightly and he cursed in his head. "Please, please stop." He tried to get control over the trembling, but it was impossible. And the longer Byakuya stayed silent, the more intense the trembling seemed. "Please, just speak. Just..."
"I talked to Rukia before she left."
Byakuya paused.
"She asked me to forgive you. She said that she had already done that."
Another pause. Renji felt like running away, but he couldn't even move a muscle.
"She told me her side of the story. What you had told her. What... Kurosaki-kun had told her. Then she asked me to forgive you."
Byakuya turned his back to Renji.
"I have been thinking about this for quite a while now."
Byakuya stopped for another pause and Renji felt tears building up. "No. No. I will not cry. I will not."
"I think even you can understand that forgiving you is impossible. But..."
"What? Just get to the point... Why are you dragging... please just get to the..." Renji felt how the built up tears threatened to come out.
"But I will follow my sister's wish to the length of sending you to the human world, so that you can talk with..."
Byakuya went silent again. Renji sharpened his ears even further and nervously glanced at Byakuya. Byakuya was still standing with his back against Renji, but on his tense shoulders Renji could see that it was really hard for Byakuya to speak these words since he really didn't want to. "If he could he would probably try to keep me as far away from Ichigo as possible. But why is he doing..."
Byakuya suddenly turned.
"Don't get the feeling that I like you or forgive you or anything. I'm doing this cause she told me to. And that's all. Just so you know, I'll never forgive you. What you did was... What the two of you did..."
Renji saw the anger glimmer by in Byakuya's eyes. He was also trembling, trying to hold the anger back. Trying not to lose his temper. Then he took a deep breath.
"You're dismissed."
Renji stood up, his whole body shaking from the strain. He bowed and hurried as fast as he could, without running, out of the room. Well outside and several steps away he dared breathing again. He felt the tears running down and he cursed.
He didn't feel like he just had been granted the opportunity to go to the human world. It felt more like he had been ordered to. He didn't even know if he wanted to go. Wasn't that the same as admitting that he had feelings for Ichigo? And that he didn't, right?

End of chapter four

I'll try to have the last chapter up as soon as possible, but I won't make any promises.