FicWad

Disclaimer: Own? Me? You gotta be kiddin me!

Note: Ah, chapter three. Finally up. Took last night and wrote it down. Couldn't sleep anyway. Now there's just one chapter left. Gasps for air Yes only one chapter left on this story. Maybe I decide to write an epilogue-like sequel. Like just a goody chapter. But we'll see about that. But Strawberry Taste and Tattoos is still on. And there's at least two, three more chapters to come there. Maybe even more.


Chapter Three - Please forgive, please love

"Rukia, please open up and let me talk to you."
Ichigo pounded the door a few times.
"Go away, Ichigo!"
Rukia's voice sounded weak, though it was still possible to hear that she was angry and felt betrayed. And she had every right to feel that way. She had been betrayed. By her fiancé and her best friend. If that doesn't make you angry and make you feel betrayed, then what does?
"Please Rukia..."
"I don't have to listen to you!"
"Please just hear me out. Just find it in your heart to forgive Renji."
"Forgive him?! Are you mad?! He betrayed my trust as a best friend!"
"No Rukia. It was all my fault. He was wasted and I took advantage of him."
"Why should I believe you? You betrayed me too! You don't propose to someone and then go and sleep with someone else!"
Ichigo closed his eyes.
"Guess I deserved that."
He leaned his forehead against the door.
"Rukia, please. It was never his fault."
"It's as much his fault as it is yours! He could have said 'no'! He could have walked away! He could have..."
Rukia's voice broke of and Ichigo could hear that she tried to push back her sobbing.
"Please Rukia. Open the door and let us have a civil conversation."
"No! This works perfectly fine for me! Why isn't it his fault? Tell me how it can't be his fault! Tell me!"
Ichigo sighed.
"Rukia... He did say 'no'. He did try to walk away. He even hit me a couple of times. He snuck out before I woke up. In the end it's all my fault. I... I was too forward. I didn't give up when he said 'no'. Please Rukia... Just forgive him."
"Why?! Why should I?!"
"Because... Because I hate to see him this way. I hate to see the two of you fighting. He loves you Rukia. You're his best friend. He always had you. Without you I... there's no telling what he might do."
"So I should forgive him so that you can have peace?"
"No. Do not forgive him because of me. Do it for his sake. I'm really sorry it turned out this way. You may not believe me, but I am."
"You're right! I don't believe you. Go away now! I don't want to see you ever again."
From the other side Ichigo could hear the sadness in her voice, and he knew that she was crying. He had truly ruined her life. "Why did I ever ask you to marry me? What was I thinking? If I hadn't then... maybe we would all still be friends..." Ichigo knew that he deserved to feel like he did. Miserable. Alone. He sighed.
"Goodbye Rukia. I really hope that you can forgive Renji."
Ichigo put his hand on the door and whispered a last 'I'm sorry', then he walked away. From his hideout round the corner down the hall, Renji felt tears building up again. "Why did I ever think that she would talk with me again? How can she ever forgive me? She shouldn't. I can't even forgive myself." He wanted to talk with her. Wanted to say he was sorry. But he couldn't move from here. "I don't deserve to talk with you. I'm not your friend anymore. I don't think I'll ever be again. But you will always be mine."
He stood up and walked away. "I don't even deserve to live." As he walked down the hall, he became more and more sure that life would be easier for everyone he knew, if he wasn't in it. Now there was only one way out of this misery. One way to end all this feelings he felt. One way to make them go away.
As he entered his own room tears fell freely and he didn't try to stop them. Better let them come now and maybe they'd be gone forever.
"Renji?"
Renji jumped sky-high in surprise. He quickly wiped away the tears and then he looked up, to find Ichigo looking at him.
"How did you get in here?!"
"I... told the maid that I had locked myself out and she opened the door for me."
Ichigo moved closer to Renji.
"You have been crying. Why? Why are you crying Renji?"
Ichigo placed a hand on Renji's cheek and wiped of some of the remaining tears. Renji pushed it away,
"Are you serious?! I just lost my best friend!"
"I'm really sorry, Renji. I never wanted it to end this way."
Renji felt how anger bested him, and he really didn't fight it.
"Well, you should have thought of that before you open your fuckin' mouth! Before you slept with me! Before you..."
"I been thinking! I been thinking of you for the last five years!"
Ichigo pulled Renji into his arms and held him close.
"I been thinking of how to tell you. How to tell Rukia. How to..."
"That's not what I meant!"
Renji pushed him of, then stared at him.
"You should have thought about what telling Rukia about last night would end in! About how she would take it! Did you think that she would smile and wish us good luck?!"
"Of course I didn't think that! I knew she would be heartbroken, but I had to tell her."
"Why?! Why couldn't you just keep your mouth shut?!"
"So I should have spent my whole life with her, pretending to love her? That's not right. To her or me. She deserves better."
"I know! She deserves way better than you! You're a... a..."
Renji was shaking out of anger at this point. But even though he was so angry and really wanted to express how much he hated Ichigo right now, he couldn't come up with anything that was insulting enough.
"There isn't even a word for the likes of you!"
"I had to tell her. It would have been worse if I had told her like after ten years of marriage. It would have been worse if..."
"You had all the time you needed to tell her for FIVE years! You could have told her BEFORE the ceremony! You could have told ME, that you were going to tell her!"
Ichigo looked down on the floor. He couldn't look into Renji's eyes, cause Renji was right. There had been plenty of times when he could have told her. Thousands of opportunities for that. But he had waited. To the very last second.
"I-I'm sorry. Like you I was planning on never telling her. But as I stood there, in front of everyone and was about to swear to love her and all that... I just couldn't lie to her. I just couldn't. And if she had ever found out, she..."
"She wouldn't have found out, unless one of us had told her! And that you handled very elegantly."
The sarcasm in Renji's voice wasn't hard to detect.
"I think you've said everything you had to say. Get out of my room or I'll throw you out."
Ichigo looked up at Renji and there was tears and fear in his eyes. But he wasn't the only one with tears in his eyes.
"Please Renji... I love you..."
"I don't care. I don't love you! Get out!"
Now the tears started falling for Renji. His face was cold and as if cut out of stone, but the tears somehow seemed to soften it up.
"Renji... why are you crying? Why do you deny your feelings?"
Ichigo put his hand on Renji's cheek and wiped away some of the tears. Renji roughly pushed it away.
"I'm not denying anything, cause there's nothing to deny! I don't love you! And in case you don't remember, I just lost my best friend today. And it's you fault!"
"Well I lost everything. My fiancé, my friend and love of my life."
"You only have yourself to blame! Now, get out!"
Ichigo pulled Renji close and kissed him. It was a short, but yet intense kiss. When there lips parted he took one last sad look into Renji's eyes and then walked away. When the door closed behind him, Renji fell to his knees. "Why? Why couldn't you have told me earlier? Why did you wait?" He screamed out in anger and pain. The scream had begun long before he opened his mouth and it came from the bottom of his heart, containing all the anger, hate and love he ever felt. It had been there for years now. He had always heard it, every night before he put his head to the pillow. It had been always been screaming, building up for years now. Five years since the voice had started screaming inside. And now, it was put in sound outside his mind.

When morning came, Renji packed his suitcase. He didn't know why, cause where he was going, he wasn't really going to need anything in that suitcase. He sighed and sat down on the bed. "What the hell am I thinking about? I can't do this! I can't..." He wasn't able to finish of his thinking, cause there was a knock on the door.
"Renji?"
Renji looked up and was surprised to see Rukia standing in the doorway. She had a distant look on her face. It was like she was miles away, and still she stood there right in front of him. Anyone could see that.
"Rukia..."
She slowly walked toward him.
"I... Ichigo told me the truth about what happened. About that night."
"What he said was bullshit!"
Rukia shrugged back.
"Wha...?"
"I heard every word. I had ran after you, to talk to you. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I got as far as the corner down the hall, and there I hid. And I heard every word he said to you. Every word."
"But he said that..."
"It's right! I said 'no'. I tried to walk away. But in the end I stayed. I decided to stay."
Renji broke of. "I... wanted to stay..." He looked at Rukia. Waited for a response.
"But he said that you were wasted and that he..."
"I wasn't wasted enough not to walk away if I had really wanted to. I decided to stay cause I wanted to. I don't know why I wanted it, but I did. And then afterwards I had planned on never telling you the truth. So don't come here and say that you forgive me. Because I don't deserve that. I will never deserve that. I don't think I'll even be able to forgive myself."
She looked at him and tears began falling down her cheeks.
"Do you love him Renji?"
Renji met her eyes.
"What?! Are you crazy?"
"Renji... do you?"
"No! I don't love... I... Fuck!"
Renji looked away and more curses came over his lips.
"I don't even know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. Everything's just a big fuckin' mess in my head."
Rukia sighed. Then there was a long silence, as if she was preparing to say something that she didn't know quite how to say. Then she took a deep breath and sighed again.
"After he came and talked to me, I thought about all this and... I came up with one conclusion: It's better this way."
"What?!"
"It's better that he told me know. Before I fell even deeper in love with him. Though he could have told me sooner. But better late then never, right?"
"You really hit the bottom..."
"Although he didn't really have to tell me. I already knew."
Renji looked at Rukia, shocked.
"WHAT? You knew what?!"
"Well, I guessed, to tell you the truth. I saw the way he looked at you. The way he acted toward you. I thought I could change him. Make him love me. Now I know that I was wrong and that it was stupid to even think that I could change him. His love for you is way to strong. I've been fooling myself all this time."
Renji stared at her. "She must have lost her mind in all this."
"I still love him, Renji. And that's why I'm telling you this. I want to see him happy. That's all that matters. So please tell me that you love him."
"But I... I..."
"Please Renji. Please love him. I know now that I can never make him as happy as you can make him. That's why: please love him."
"Rukia... you can't expect me to grow feelings just like that."
"Don't you feel anything for him?"
"I... I don't know..."
"You said that you stayed because you wanted to. There must be something there."
Renji pressed his hands against his head.
"I don't know. I don't know, everything just such a mess. I can't even make out one thing in my head."
"Renji..."
Rukia put her arms around Renji. At first Renji shrugged back. "I don't deserve this." But then Rukia tightened the embrace.
"Renji... I don't know if I can really forgive you for this. I mean, even if I knew that it might have happen, you still betrayed my trust. But I... I still want you as my friend."
The tears that Renji thought had been all gone, came back. With Rukia's arms around him and his face buried in her slender shoulders, he cried.
"I don't... why..."
"Renji... don't go and do anything stupid. Please. I still want you as my friend. And I need a friend who's alive."
"Rukia..."
"But we need some time apart. Some time to think about all this. I will go away and I guess you'll go back to soul-society. The next time we'll meet, maybe you know how you feel. Maybe I'll be able to truly forgive you."
She squeezed him one last time and then let go.
"Rukia... I don't deserve this..."
"Schh. No one can control love. It's to strong for that. All we can do is answer the door once it knocks or wait for it to go away. If we're unsure of what we should do, then we can wait a while. True love waits for you. But it doesn't wait forever. Don't leave the door unanswered too long, Renji."
She smiled weakly and then walked out of the room.
"Rukia..."
He looked at the closed door for a while. Then he turned to look out the window. Leaves were sailing down in the wind. Summer was turning into autumn. It was still warm, but the trees were red and yellow. Renji sighed. It was beautiful, but he didn't deserve such beauty. "Go back to soul-society, huh? Rukia... Will I ever see you again?"

End of chapter Three