FicWad

Dan puts his head on Phil’s shoulder and closes his eyes. He drifts off to happy dreams but they soon turn bad. Dan found himself in a strange place. He was buckled in and heard the jet engines start. He started crying and gripped his seat tight. He was so scared but he couldn’t get out of the plane.

Phil frowned. He planted soft, sweet butterfly kisses all over Dan’s neck. “It’s okay…”

That was the moment the plane ripped apart in Dan’s dream. He was so scared he started whimpering. He didn’t wanna die in a way that wasn’t in his control. He clung tightly to the seat in order to keep inside the plane. He unconsciously tightened his grip on Phil.

Phil squeaked. “Danny, danny, wake up!” He shook Dan, whimpering, losing his breath.

Dan woke up with a jolt. He was panting, tears running down his cheeks. He was blubbering. As a reflex his arms let go of Phil. He had hurt Phil. “Phil, I’m so sorry. Now I just wanna hurt even more. I hurt you and now I need to be hurt.”

Phil shook his head. “I’m always hurting. Always. That there, that was nothing…”

“Are you sure Phil? That didn’t look like nothing.” Dan dug his nails into his arm, trying to make his gesture as non-suspicious as possible. He needed to hurt himself.

Phil frowned and took Dan’s hand. “You wanna punish yourself?” He looks around and pulls out the razor and rolls his sleeve, cutting his skin. “You want it?”

Dan nodded. “But I don’t want you hurt. Please, no more…” Dan’s tears slid down his cheeks. He took the blade off Phil and held it in his hand squeezing it tight, drawing blood.

Phil nodded, knowing that he would cut again. “I trust you Dan. Go on…”

Dan uncurled his hand, and placed the already stained blade on his arm. He dug it in and dragged, being careful not to draw any attention to himself. He repeated his actions several more times before putting the blade away so Phil couldn’t reach it.Phil growled at this action. “Why can’t I have it?”

“Because I’ve already hurt you enough. Now sleep.” Dan rolled down his sleeves and wrapped his arms around Phil. He felt his guilt leave his body and smiled slightly. “I’ve already hurt you enough Phil. I’m sorry.” Dan started to sob silently.

“Don’t cry over me. I’ not worth your tears…”

“Don’t you ever say that Phil. Let’s both try to get some sleep yeah?” Dan leant against Phil and felt his eyes get droopy.

Phil nods and hugs Dan close. Before he was asleep, he whispered. “Not worth it…” And he drifted into a deep sleep.

Dan tried to dream happy dreams and not think about where he was. He managed to dream of a rainbow malteaser llama land and smiled a little. He didn’t know how long he was asleep.

Phil stayed asleep the whole flight, his arm bleeding more as he cut deeper then he wanted Dan to know.

Dan was shaken awake by a flight attendant. She informed him that Phil need his seatbelt on. Dan maneuvered Phil back to his own seat, noticing his shirt was stained. Dan put the seat belt on and waited for the lady to disappear before checking on Phil. He was bleeding pretty heavily and Dan was worried. He knew that he needed to get help as soon as they touched the ground.

Phil stirred, feeling his sleeve being rolled up. He realised his cut was deep and woke with a jolt, not wanting Dan to see the almost suicide cut.

Dan pressed his hands to Phil’s arm as he felt Phil jump. “Phil, why so deep? Especially on the plane. You know we’re gonna have to try and stop the bleeding or take you to the ER.”

Phil shook his head. “Not ER… It’s not that bad…” He looks down at it and smiles at how impressive it is.

“Well we need to staunch it now don’t we? If you leave then I’m finding the nearest blade and joining you.”

“No,” Phil begs, hugging Dan close.. “No no no.”

Dan hugged Phil back. “Please don’t leave me… I wouldn’t be able to stay if you did.” Dan kissed Phil on the forehead. Dan didn’t feel the plane touch the ground. He just saw everyone else getting up. “We have to go Phil.”

Phil nodded and took Dan’s hand. “I love you Dan. I hope you really know that...”

“I love you too Phil. But we have to go to the ER. You keep bleeding.” Dan shouldered his backpack and led Phil to a airport person and asked where the nearest hospital was. He then proceeded to lead Phil to the ER of that hospital.

Phil blushed as his normal nurse rushed on him. “Philip! My beautiful boy! How are you? Better I hope! Let’s see how deep you went today.” He smiled sadly at her.

“I’m sorry Phil.” Dan didn’t notice that he started crying again. He hated seeing Phil like this but he was glad when the nurse had finished bandaging Phil up.

She let them go home straight away, which was surprising. “Not so deep next time, Phil, okay?” She says as Phil nods. “O-okay…”

“I’ll make sure of it.” Dan didn’t want to have to come back here either. “Phil, lets go to your house. Lead the way.” Dan was tired, he allowed Phil to lead him through the streets of London half asleep.

Phil lead Dan up and into his house. He looked around to see his house empty. It was a reminder of Pj. The empty space. He held back a sad sob. He had lost his best friend. He had forgotten about that.

Dan noticed Phil was a bit quieter than usual. He put his arm around the older boy. “Hey, what’s the matter?” He tried to comfort Phil, leading him over to the couch and sitting them both down.

Phil shrugged, still upset. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s gone. I couldn’t deal with more beatings, but I sit Miss him. A lot. He was my best friend and he knew me so well.” He sighed. “I know he was a dick and used me but I feel, somewhat, empty…”

“He used to beat you? Phil…. It’s ok. You’ll find someone to fill the void. I’m sure of it.” Dan pulled Phil into a hug. He felt bad for pushing the boy’s friend away.

Phil laughs without humor. “What didn’t he do to me…” he then sobs softer. “Shit Dan,” he hugs the boy next to him tight. “I didn’t think it would hurt like this…”

Dan rubbed Phil’s back, trying to comfort him. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry Phil. I wish I could be a better friend. Sorry.” He kissed Phil’s head and let the boy cry.

Phil sobbed. “Oh God!” He pulls away from Dan. I’m so horrible! What the hell is wrong with me? I’m being so selfish right now. Stupid Phil! Forget Pj… Forget what he did. You have Dan now…” He wiped is eyes, the cut on his arm bleeding again.

Dan looked down at Phil and saw he was bleeding again. He ran to get a cloth and staunch the bleeding, actually succeeding this time. “Hey, hey. It’s alright. You need to mourn your loss. Just cry everything out. I’m here for you.” Dan rebandaged Phil’s arm tightly. He stood up and pulled the sobbing boy into him. “You’re not stupid. You’re not being selfish. Let everything out.”

Phil shook his head, sobbing harder. “No. No Dan. I can’t do that to you. I’m the worst, fucking, person in the whole world!” The swear felt odd in Phil’s mouth. He never swore like that, but this time was different. “This is bullshit! You have problems too! I’m a selfish fuck for bitching and complaining over nothing! Here you are, perfect and sweet, cleaning up my stupid, fucking mess, comforting me when I deserve none of it! No! No one can care for someone this much. I’m a loser Dan. A fucking loser. I don’t deserve your time. I’ll pull you down with me. I don’t want that. Perfect boy, I.Don’t.Want.That.”

Dan shook his head. “If anyone doesn’t deserve what they’ve gotten it’s me. You flew to Australia for me. You brought me back to England. I deserve to be lying on a floor somewhere bleeding out. You aren’t what you think you are. Vent to me. It's a good thing. You need to let everything out. You deserve ALL of my time. All of it. But if you don’t want me then there’s nothing left in this world for me. Everyone needs to be selfish sometimes, even you. I’m not perfect, I never will be. Now if you don’t want me I’ll just leave.” Dan let go of Phil and headed off towards the bathroom. He still had the blade given to him earlier and he planned to end it right now.

Phil whines at the loss. He sobs then stops when it hits him. “Fuck! Dan no! No blood! No floors no nothing! I fucking love you! Come back to me! Please, Take that blade to your skin and I swear to God, I will use a knife right now!”

Dan stopped in his tracks. He had to blade hovering above his arm. “Why shouldn’t I? You just said you didn’t want me and if you don’t want me then there’s nothing keeping me here.” He leaned against the wall and waited for Phil’s reasons. He knew the boy wouldn’t come and check on him. He wasn’t worth the effort.

Phil stormed into the bathroom, knife in his hand. “When did I say it didn’t want you? You must be kidding. Dan, you are why I’m still here. If I hadn’t had met you, Pj would have killed me by now. I wouldn’t be here. After that live show, I was going to kill myself. I had already popped half the pills. Your comment saved me. If I wanted you to leave, I wouldn’t have bothered to come to you. If I wanted you to leave, I wouldn’t want to do this.” he walks quickly over to Dan to kiss him softly.

Dan was so shocked by the sudden feel of Phil’s lips on his that he dropped the blade on the floor. The blade caught his leg on the way down slicing it open. Dan ignored the pain and kissed Phil back, wrapping his arms around the boy’s neck. He played with Phil’s hair, burying his fingers in it.

Phil purred at such contact. He was happy he could distract the beautiful boy in his arms from hurting. He grabbed Dan’s hips and smiled. They matched perfectly, moving in sync.

Dan felt Phil grab his hips and was sure that Phil would feel the blood from his little accident. He didn’t want Phil to hurt himself. He pulled away from the boy, not feeling well and leaned against him.Phil pouted when Dan pulled away. He hugged the other boy close. His leg suddenly felt damp. His body froze over.

“I’m so sorry Phil. It was an accident I swear. I don’t feel good.” Dan was swaying like crazy. He was losing so much blood. “I’m sorry.” Dan was sobbing.

Phil gave Dan a sad look. “Oh, beautiful boy, no. It’s okay. Let me clean you up okay? Make you feel better.”

Dan nodded. He was feeling faint. “I feel dizzy Phil. That's not good.” Dan’s vision began to turn to black. “Phil! I can’t see. Help me.” Dan was scared and it was evident in his face.

Phil sobbed as he cleaned up Dan’s leg. “Beautiful, keep talking to me! I’ll get help but just keep talking, okay?”

Dan nodded. “Thank you for caring, If it weren’t for you I’d be on the floor of my room right now. I feel so bad Phil. I don’t know how much longer I can last.” Dan’s body fell onto Phil. Dan was close to passing out. He hummed to let Phil know he was still conscious.

Phil sobbed but hummed with Dan, kissing the boys forehead. He called for an ambulance, still holding Dan. He cooed the weak boy in his arms.

Dan’s body slumped and his humming stopped. He had passed out on Phil. He could feel himself sinking in his mind.

The humming stops and Phil screams. “DAN! NO!!”

Dan was drowning. He knew that this could be the end. He didn’t want to die like this. He had just found some sort of happiness.

Phil sobbed over Dan. He wish Dan could hear him. “I didn’t get to show you Manchester yet… Or London. Hell, I didn’t even get to show you around my house. I couldn’t show you your room, or my room so you could fanboy.” he chuckles softly. “I-I didn’t get to make a video with you. I didn’t get to hold you in my arms. I didn’t get to snuggle with you while watching Buffy. I didn’t get to see you wake up in the morning, hair all ruffled and eyes sleepy, adorable but I bet cranky. I didn’t get to hold your hand and say proudly to all my friends, ‘This is Dan. My Dan.’ I only told you I loved you, once or twice. That’s wrong. You should have woken up every morning and be greeted with me telling you I loved you.” He sniffed. “I didn’t get to see all your scars. I didn’t get to kiss them all better. I didn’t get to kiss you more. Dan, I didn’t even get to take you out on a date…” He was an emotion reck by then.

Dan was crying in his mind. He heard Phil’s speech and then sirens. Dan didn’t want to die but he knew that if he wasn’t attended to soon he would.

Phil was crying so hard. “I’m dying, Danny. I miss you already…” and at that moment, the paramedic’s came and rushed to tend to Dan. Phil sobbed as he picked up the razor. He watched them surround Dan. He glanced at the razor. ‘When they leave,’ he thought.