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Chpt 6: Yeah. Denial. So what.


I wake up the next morning. I finally got some sleep after I unplugged my phone. Thank god Mom is still in New Orleans with my Grandma and Grandpa Rousseau. I fumble through my closet. Which contains about four pairs of jeans and some t-shirts from the ninth grade. I grab some jeans and a Hanson shirt. I walk across the hall to the bathroom and grab a shower. By the time I'm dressed and actually look at a clocks it's 11:45am . I hear the doorbell from first landing and Jil running from the kitchen screaming "I got it!". She opens the door just as I reach the second landing that directly faces the foyer.

"Oh. Hi Pete. Ane's dead. Bye." she says trying to shut the door but he puts up a hand and pushes it back open.

"Then you might wanna call the ghost busters Jil. Cause Ane's ghost is standing on the landing. Barefoot and wearing that damn Hanson shirt."

Jil spun around to see me, and glares "Aren't you dead?"

"Its ok Jilly. Let him in." I say and watch her stomp off in the direction of the kitchen mumbling "tell them I'm dead she says. Don't answer the phone she says..."

Pete steps inside the door and takes a few steps into the room. I hop down the last few stairs and run to him. I'm not sure why, but it just feels good to be in his arms. I rest my head on his shoulder and breath in his cologne. He picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist. For some reason I can't seem to let go. He walks up the stairs and in to my room. We fall back on the bed and stretch out.

"What happened after I left?" I ask resting my head on Pete's stomach. He sighs lazily and runs a hand through my hair.

"Nothing. I heard you scream. So I got dressed and went out to see what was going on. Patrick was just standing there. Like a deer in the head lights. He looked me dead in the eyes and I left. I didn't know what else to do."

"Me either. I'm sorry I ran." I say tracing the picture on the front of his shirt.

" I don't blame you. But now what happens Ane? I want to be with you, that is if you want me."

I lay silent. Maybe if I don't say anything. He won't know I'm still here.

"Annnnne." He says in a singsong voice poking the side of my head. I grunt and roll on to my side.

"Pete I'm 21. I have no clue want I want. I so fucking confused." I roll over completely and scream into this stomach. He giggles and pats my head. This feels so normal.

"You should talk to Patrick." He says in a serious tone. I get up on my knees and straddle his thighs.

"I know." I said and sitting down. "I just...I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

"Its not exactly something I can give you pointers on. Just tell him the truth. He loves you Ane. He'll understand." He says grabbing both my hands and comparing them in size to his. I lean down and press my lips to his. A short simple kiss. Nothing like yesterday. But it feels the same.

"I...I...I love you." Did I just say that? Out loud? I blush. Suddenly I wish I wasn't in this room. Sitting on him no less. He opens his mouth to say something. But I catch his mouth with mine and kiss him deeply.

He pulls away to breath. "Just because you kissed me. Doesn't mean you didn't say it."

I blush again. And lay my head on his chest. "I know. I meant it though."

"Good. I love you too." He says and runs a hand through my hair. I wrap my arm around his waist. This just feels right. But it doesn't change what I feel for Patrick. We lay like this for a few hours. Then Joe calls to remind Pete about a taping for MTV. I walk him down stairs. Hand in hand we reach the door. He tries to convince me to go back with him. I tell him I can't. He pouts. I kiss him and he kisses me. I stand in the door way until his car is out of site before walking back in and going to the kitchen.

Jil glares at me and I grin. I make a peanut butter sandwich and run up the kitchen stairs.
I finish my late lunch and look around my room. I moved out when I was 17. To stay with Patrick in Wilmette. My room hasn't changed since I was last here. Amazing really. My mom messes with everything. The walls are still a bright yellow. Covered in posters and Fall Out Boy news clippings. The desk is clean. A 2002 calendar covers most of it. The drawers are filled with memories and doodles. Every letter from Patrick. Every note from the guys. I'm such a fucking packrat. A park bench lines the wall opposite my closet. Two pillows made from Fall Out Boy shirts cover it. Patrick's mom made them for me. My bed has the same Dick Tracy bed set I stole from Patrick when he redid his room 8 years ago.

A beep startles me back to reality. I look around the room quickly.

"Ane? I know you're home. You're blinds still say 'Fuck off '. Ane..." A crackling voice calls out from the duct tape covered blue walkie-talkie on the windowsill. I pick it up.

"Trick?" I ask pulling up my blinds. And looking out at the house next to mine.

"I'm here." He replies waving from his window.

" We need to talk. I think." My voice breaks. I wonder if he'll notice through the static.

"Yeah. Tree house. 4:00. I'll be there." He says setting the walkie-talkie down and walking away from the window. I look at the clock on my wall. 3:32.

I stand on the back porch and look out at the large oak that lies out at the property line. The tree house is painted dark green with stitches, pictures, and posters faded from the sun covering it. I look at my watch, 3:56 pm. I zip up my hoodie and cross the short distance from the porch to the rope ladder. I climb up and sit in a bean bag set in the far left corner. Three minutes pass before I hear Patrick coming up the creaky ladder. He pulls up a small stool and sits across from me.

The feeling in the pit of my stomach is all too familiar and unpleasant. Tears well and burn my eyes. I don't even know why I'm crying. Twenty minutes ago I was on top of the world.

Patrick reaches over and wipes away a tear that managed to escape. I put my own hand over his and bring it to my lips. I kiss the palm of his open hand.
"I love you." I say almost in audibly. I look down and concentrate on my shoes. A well worn pair of vans. I said those same three words an hour a go to Pete with no less meaning than just now. Patrick kneels down so that he is eye level with me.

" I love you too Anmarie . I'm just not sure how," he pauses and presses his lips to mine, my head is spinning. My world is falling down around me and being built back up all at once, " I just need some time to think things through."

I swallow hard and nod.

" I mean I kissed you. Twice. And sent Nan back to her mother's so you could come home. Then I saw you with Pete. I just wanted to scream at him that you're mine.
He cant have you. He cant take you away from me. But I saw something in his eyes when he looked at you. Something I've never seen before. And I was jealous."

"I'm sorry.", I mumble he picks my chin up and tells me not to be. But I cant help it.
My stomach lurches again and I fall against him. These routine emotional break downs are getting old. I don't know how much longer I can handle them.

I lay my head on his shoulder and listen to him breath. I watch out the window as the sun sets. I glance down at my watch. I have to be at work in 45 minute. The problem? It takes an hour to get there. I stand on my knees and face him.

"Work. Shit. I'm Gonna be so late." I grumble. I lean over and quickly press my lips against his.

"I'll come with you. Josh likes me and I'll sign stuff."

"Ok. Then maybe he won't kill me." I say watching him crawl out and down the ladder, skipping the last three rungs to jump down. I crawl out and to the same. I stumble. But he catches me. We race back to house. He wins of course. Not fair. He has longer legs than me.

I change my clothes. And we get in his car. The drive is silent. But not awkward. Silverchair plays softly in the background and we both whisper along with the lyrics.

We park in the closest spot available. 7 rows back of course. I walk around the back of the car where Patrick is standing. I grab his hand and we walk up the back entrance of Sam Goodys. Where. Josh is waiting for me. Hand on hip, and foot taping.

"I know. I know. I'm late. But look. Patrick Stump to be your bitch for the night!"
Patrick looks over at me and glares. Josh smiles somewhat disturbingly and we all walk in the store.

We stand behind the register for four hours. Patrick signs four Cds. And spends the rest of his time unpacking candy. Mumbling all the while that he is a rock star. So I made him a sign to wear. It read : I am Assistant Manger Josh's Bitch. Niki and I found it amusing.

We leave after closing up around 10. Patrick pulls into his drive way. I tell him good night and walk through the hedges to my yard. I want nothing more than to crash in my bed.

I trudge up the stairs and ignore Jil's nagging from the kitchen to eat something. And collapse on the bed falling asleep instantly.