Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Gerard Is From Venus

As the Years fly by (in tiny metal capsules)

by CatscanFlyy 3 reviews

“Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank!” Gerard is chanting, like Frank’s name is a spell to ward of death. Frank wishes his name were a spell to ward off aliens.

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Published: 2013-01-07 - Updated: 2013-01-08 - 2262 words

As the Years fly by (in tiny metal capsules)

“Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank!” Gerard is chanting, like Frank’s name is a spell to ward of death. Frank wishes his name were a spell to ward off aliens. Tragically though, it is not so he and Gerard must suffer together. “Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, Frankie!” Gerard starts and Frank hops up off the ground before this whole thing gets completely out of hand.

He’s fine, it was a couple of steps. It will take a lot more than that to put this Iero out for good!

The alien mother is looking at Frank with that, that look on her face, the one his own mother tries to pull sometimes when Frank has de-weeded the garden in her best going out dress. It’s an expression caught halfway between amusement and disgust. Frank’s not too sure what’s funny, but then he never is.

“That was a little karma there for you Frank, was it not?” She asks.

Frank says, “I don’t believe in karma. I make my own luck.” And as if to prove it, Gerard lets out another pitiful sob.

“Then perhaps you have a guilty conscience.” The alien mother suggests.

“Perhaps,” Frank agrees. “But probably not. Everything I do, I do for a reason. You’ll see in the long run.”

The alien mother makes a face and scoops her crying son up from the ground. Gerard’s face looks squidgy and red. Frank sort of wants to poke it, sort of doesn’t.

“I think I have gravel in my eyes.” Says Frank.


Gerard is from Venus, from a city called Toronto. He tells Frank this in the middle of the night. Frank laughs so hard he thinks he might pee and then calls Gerard a girl. Gerard doesn’t seem to get it but Frank guesses alien humour is different to human. Perhaps, back on Venus, there’s no such thing as gender.

Frank wonders what it would be like to live very far away from Earth. He supposes it would be a lot like diving, or free falling, the wind rushing past his ears, black air and twinkling stars before he plummets into a bucket full of aliens. It makes him feel sticky and gross and so he stops thinking about it quickly before any of the thoughts can spread from his mind and into the sky, spreading like an epidemic of disgusting slime.

Gerard says that he misses home planet sometimes and Frank says that he doesn’t care, that he’s trying to get some sleep here.

“But you came into my bed!” Gerard grumps. Frank still doesn’t care so he pulls the duvet high up over his head and snuggles down into the warmth. Gerard is like an electric radiator.

He sleeps well then, dreaming of space and being sucked into a black hole the size of Jupiter. It’s a good dream because the black hole stretches him out until he’s all long and thin and waggling through the air. It is called spaghettification.


Though, as a rule, Frank does not like girls or aliens, he supposes that he might like Gerard a tiny bit. Gerard is always nice and never punches Frank back and he always sticks around even when Frank is really, very horrid. This means that fun with Gerard can go on, and on, and on because no matter how hard Frank tries to make him, Gerard wont seem to leave him alone. And not just on the days Frank spends with the Way’s in the week.

Gerard is annoying and Frank is mean to Gerard then Gerard cries, Frank makes Gerard happy again and Gerard gets annoying again so Frank is mean to him. It’s called a vicious circle. Vicious circles are great fun because;

1. They are vicious
2. They are circles, therefore allowing the viciousness to carry on forever

It makes Frank feel safe and happy and a little bit like punching someone. Or maybe more like he’s been punched by a donkey or a horse.

Once Frank punched a horse in the face and it bit him. This was not a vicious circle, because even is Frank had wanted to, he couldn’t have punched the worse again with his fractured hand. That is called an annoying one-way line. Frank hates annoying one-way lines.

Gerard never bites Frank when Frank punches him, so Frank does not hate Gerard. Or he does, just not as much as he’d first expected.

“I don’t completely, 100% hate you all the time, constantly.” He tells Gerard over the breakfast table one morning.

The alien mother sighs, because she is never impressed with anything Frank does or says, then wipes slime from around Mikey’s mouth.

Gerard however, looks stupidly happy. “Really?” he asks.

Frank thinks for a moment, chucking two more of his lucky stars into Gerard’s hair. Frank can only ever eat the pink ones or he will suffer from a terrible, never ending headache. Frank’s mother says all the food he wastes gives her a terrible never-ending headache but Frank assures her it’s just all the alcohol she drinks.

“I hate you less than Mikey, Jamia and Ray.” He decides. Gerard grins.


Once, Frank’s school asked him to keep a diary over the holidays. Frank considered this to be a stupid idea at first because writing is for people like Gerard and teachers and girls. But when Frank handed in his, begrudgingly, filled diary on returning back to school, the project unleashed a wild, whirlwind of adventure fro both him and his mother and of course, Janet his social worker. It made Frank feel really special, because his school don’t just send out social services to anyone.

However, for whatever reason, his mother wasn’t as impressed. She cried a lot and sent him to live with his Dad for two weeks whilst she took group therapy. Since then, Frank’s mother has both drank and slept around a lot more but Frank doesn’t hold it against her, he would probably do the same if drink didn’t taste like poison and if he allowed anyone to touch him down there.


A year later and Frank still spends his summer holidays with the Way’s. He is not, much to both his mother’s and their local priest’s surprise, dead and burning eternally in hell. He is at the park. Frank is allowed to the park now without an adult, as long as Gerard is there.

Frank likes the park because he can force Gerard up the jungle gym and push him from the top and he wont die because the entire floor is squishy like going off play dough. Gerard is taller than Frank but Frank is strongest.

Frank’s absolute favourite thing about the park is all the stray cats. They always try and eat Frank’s fingers. Frank loves cats.

Today, Frank is trying to convince Gerard that sand is a good safe thing to eat because it prevents diabetes and is the only found cure for AIDs. It’s a whale of a time before the other kids, previously satisfied with the kick ball field, disturb them. Frank doesn’t like the other kids already because when he meets new people he is forced to remember names which is a complete waste of time if he’s just going to call them all Slugface anyway. So he and Gerard leave the park.

When they get home the alien mother, who now insists she is called Donna, (Please, Frank it’s Donna) but Frank still calls the alien mother, puts another star on Frank’s chart because he hasn’t punched or thrown up all day. Frank warns her that he still might later that night but she just sends him and Gerard off to entertain themselves.


Frank is giving Gerard a hair cut in the bathroom. Gerard isn’t happy about it but Frank isn’t too put off by that because it took him weeks to get the scissors and he can’t cut his own hair again because last time he took a chip out of his ear and it bled for hours. He tells Gerard this to calm him down some. He also tells Gerard about the alien lady, Sally, -“Yes like of Monster’s Inc!” – who now cuts his hair.

Gerard puts up a good struggle for the first few minutes, until that is, Frank punches him in the gut before tying him to the hot tap. He’s a lot more cooperative after that. Whenever Gerard talks Frank tells him to shut up or he will punch him really hard in the mouth and he will do it again if Gerard moves. It’s a little bit like the hostage situations game except Frank doesn’t actually punch Gerard when playing hairdressers, he just kids. If they were really playing hostage situations, he would actually punch Gerard.

Gerard never likes playing the hostage situations game. The alien mother doesn’t like them playing it either.

Later, when the alien mother finds Frank, trying to hide inside of the washing machine, she has that look on her face that means Frank will either be screaming or throwing up soon. It also means he wont get a sticker for his chart. Frank tries to pull his bottom lip up over his head as a last stich effort to escape her wrath but it’s no good, his skin just isn’t stretchy enough.

It turns out she’s not happy about Gerard’s new do, even though it’s exactly what’s in style. He saw in the magazines his mum reads for the tips on spicing up her sex life, all the models in that have posh bobs and full fringes.

She makes Frank babysit Mikey that night whilst her and the alien father go out dancing.

Frank asks if she really thinks this will be a good idea and safe for Mikey. The alien mother says, “It had better bloody be.” And teleports away, quick as a flash.

This translates to, Frank will be on his absolute best behaviour, he will not touch the gas stove or the lawn mower and Mikey will be perfectly safe and alive in one piece when the alien mother and father come back. It’s a special code they’ve worked out.

Frank likes the alien mother rather a lot because she never sends Frank to the kennel even when he’s been really, really rotten. She has move interesting methods of punishments like; say something nice about Gerard’s smile or don’t bite Jamia for a week. Frank likes these punishments because they are more like small projects or tasks because they are very hard to do.


Three hours later, at the end of WW3, the house is a mess, Mikey is locked outside and Gerard is crying in the living room. This means that Frank is victorious. So he takes himself a prise from Gerard’s room. Gerard has lots of really cool stuff, which means it’s often hard for Frank to choose himself a present when he wins these wars. Eventually though, he finds and selects a really neat laser pen.

Frank used to have a laser pen of his very own until he held Jamia down and shone it in her eyes until she had to go to see the school nurse and then the doctors at their town’s hospital. She wears thick red glasses now and Frank’s old laser pen is in the teacher’s desk. That’s okay though, because now Frank has Gerard’s.

Frank wonders what Gerard would look like with glasses as he tests out the pen, shining it into his own yes via the mirror. He’s built up a resilience to laser pens over the years, like you have to in Frank’s line of work.

When the alien mother gets home she is not very happy. She lets Mikey in from the garden but she doesn’t cry like Gerard, who’s sitting sulkily at the kitchen table now. Frank’s real, human mother cries all the time now and so Frank avoids her. The alien mother says this only makes her cry more. Frank’s not sure what to think of this because normally people cry when he is around because he is doing nasty things. If Frank’s not around then he can’t be doing nasty things to them so they shouldn’t be crying. The alien mother tells Frank that his human mother just misses him. Frank has only ever missed something once and that was when he turned all the clocks in his house back by three hours to make his human mother late for work but then forgot to change them back so he missed the new episode of ‘The day in the life of; The Dixie Chicks’ addition. But that was okay because he could still watch it online.

Gerard says he misses Frank when he’s not there too, so maybe it’s just a girl thing.

I was gonna put an author's note all like, sorry guys this chapter is more just a filler of short stories until I realised that this story does not need or have any kind of explanation. The chapters are what they are.
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