I soon realized tears were falling freely from my own eyes yet I wasn't making a sound.
I would also like to add I have no ownership of the band which should be obvious. I only own the plot-line, story and fictional characters that appear within these chapters.
Chapter 16: You were never coming home but I can see you awake anytime, in my head
Gerard’s point of view
It was now bout quarter to twelve and I had just finished locking the store up for the night. Turns out there was a lot more stock then I thought. I let out a sigh of relief; Lyn-Z had all but suffocated me with concern ever since I started my shift.
I mean I love her and all (as a friend of course) but to be honest, having someone telling me over and over everything is gonna be okay etc cetera was starting to wear thin and I was actually glad that, when I accidentally let slip that I was gonna get Louis on his own and beat the shit out of him, she started lecturing me about being reckless, careless, insane and downright stupid. Then to top it off she hovered around me for a full half hour before she finished her shift asking over and over if I wanted her to stay late with me at the store so I wouldn’t have to walk the streets of Jersey by myself at twelve in the morning. After I reassured her that I would be fine, she then persisted on me calling her the minute I got back home to let her know I got back safely, then told me to not have my music up too loud on my I-pod and to not hover around the streets.
I locked up and pocketed the keys in my jacket, zipping my jacket up as it was getting rather cold now. I turned on my I-pod and flicked through until I got to Jaw Breaker before lighting up a cigarette.
Taking a deep drag, I started making my way back home, making sure to occasionally check from the corner of my eyes to see if anyone was behind me. It was a habit I got into after the first time I did stock up and was just about to lock up I nearly got mugged from some drunk who stumbled into the store and held me up at gun point before I finally convinced him there was nothing in the till (it got emptied by the guy who was in charge) and even let the guy search me. The guy was too drunk to notice I had an I-pod and a cell phone in my top jacket pocket. Must have been about sixteen at the time and worked at a coffee shop in the shopping centre back then. My parents made me quit after that.
I exhaled slowly before casually whistling as I crossed the road and turned the corner.
As I did so, I felt my heart race rather rapidly.
Standing no to far away from me, was Louis and his beat up patrol: Jason, Alex, Derek, Andrew and Jonathan. Standing there-drunk. I could tell as broken glass bottles were scattered on the sidewalk as they sat on the wall just behind one of the local convenience stores-one that I know they robbed a couple of weeks ago for some cheap booze. How’d I know that? Mikey works there himself four days a week. This is the last thing I needed: Sure I said I would take on Louis, but by himself. Not surrounded by his whole gang. Then it would be just the way its always been-me a bloody mess on the ground and them even more arrogant and obnoxious.
I took a deep drag of my cigarette, leaning against the wall, hoping they hadn’t seen me. I could hear them clearly as I removed my headphones.
“…Fucking freak, seriously he’s the worst out of them”
“Yeah him and that little short ass emo faggot that all but hangs off his arm.”
There was an eruption of laughter and I felt white hot anger coarse through me.
“Didja see him in class? All but flipped! Going on about how we made him a suicidal freak and that we can take him on but leave the other freaks outta it.”
“Oh yeah? What’s he gonna do? Slit his wrists in front of us hoping we’ll be scared?”
More laughter. I dug my nails into the palms of my hands, drawing blood.
“Know what? I’m sick of the little faggot! I say, we break him, hope he ends it all, and if he doesn’t, torture that little fag of a boyfriend that he’s got.”
My breathing got sharper and I felt dizzy with the anger I was feeling.
“Better not touch him, better not…” I muttered.
“Hey guys? Got a joke for ya. How does a faggot emo little anorexic bitch like Way get laid?”
“Goes to a satanic ritual, gets wasted and fucks the sacrifice!”
I felt white hot tears of anger slip down my face as they howled with laughter.
“I always wondered if that freak would get a boyfriend!”
“Yeah, well that midget fag looks like he’d settle for anything. Little slut.”
“Bet you anything that little freak fucked that sluttish brother of Way’s before moving on to the freak himself.”
“I know he’s a freak but come on, don’t they emo freaks even have a standard? Who’d want that grease haired freak anyway? Heard some dude tried it on with him when high as fuck and said he was shit in bed.”
“Nah that’s not it; true maybe but that’s not it, the fag bottled it before it got that far.”
“Pfft, maybe the dude should have plied him with more drink, fag gives it up the minute he’s got a drink in him I heard.”
“Poor guy got slagged off for weeks for being high enough to try it on with the freak anyway.”
“Dude, it doesn’t take a genius to work it out: The only way that fag would get some is if some guy is desperate enough for a blow and a quick fuck, or the fag get’s raped.”
There was more laughter and I looked away. My raven black hair covering my face as tears spilled uncontrollably, making my shoulders shake.
“Freaks like that deserve it.”
“Yeah, one way of making sure he’d break.”
“And end it all.”
There was cheers and the clink of bottles mixed with laughter and I slumped down on to the dirty side walk, legs curled up to my chest, head on my arms as I sobbed quietly, hoping they couldn’t hear me. I was used to the jibes about my sexuality, the stupid comments that I was a vampire or a Satan worshipper and I could even cope with the fucking suicide cat call, but this? This just fucking hurt. Like they had ran a knife through me and twisted it before leaving it stuck there for me to bleed out.
I know they hate me, it’s no secret and I’m not too fond of them myself, but even I wouldn’t wish rape on anyone…
The thought of someone actually voicing that out loud-drunk or not- make me let out a choked sob. I instantly froze, the hairs on the back of my neck on end as they abruptly went silent-then there was footsteps heading in my direction.
Please God, haven’t I been tortured enough? At least have a little bit of mercy and let me get lucky enough for them to just walk away please…..
“Well look what we have here boys? The speak of the Devil huh.” Louis slurred, sneering down at me.
Fuck. I’m fucked! Please let someone walk past and stop this, please?
“Enjoy our conversation fag? Where’s that attitude you had earlier huh? Or did cha slit your tongue out after seeing the video Johnny boy took?” Louis continued, jeeringly.
I swallowed, shaking my head furiously as they laughed.
“Aw the little fag’s scared.” Alex mocked, “You scared faggot?”
“Look he’s been crying” Jason cried out in sickening glee, “Anorexic emo loser!” he added in icily-then spat right in my face.
I swallowed the bile that had risen in my throat.
“Where’s that faggot boyfriend of yours Way? Did he see you fucking some other fag? You filthy whore!”
Louis suddenly leaned forward and I could smell the beer and hint of drugs on his breath making me cringe slightly, “Or do you like getting fucked huh?” he hissed, “Ya pathetic freak!” he then grabbed me by the hair making me gasp in pain before hitting my head off the wall.
“Louis! Do that again dude!” one of them cried out amongst the laughter.
Louis grinned sadistically at me and did so-five times as his mates laughed. I could feel the warm liquid of blood running down my face.
“You like that fag boy!” Louis shouted in my face before spitting on me, “Not so tough now are ya?”
“Yeah, none of your little cult here to help you now! By the way, tell that fucker Toro good luck when he goes for an STD test, what with fucking your brother, he’s bound to catch something.” Jonathan called.
“Fuck. You!” I spat back, “Keep ‘em and Frank out of it you fucker.”
“Aw the fag still got some lip on him.” I gasped as Louis punched me hard across the mouth, bursting my lip open and causing more blood to spill, “Still full of talk Way?” Another punch this time to the nose which cracked and bled, “What, did cha freak of a boyfriend tell you all is gonna be okay? That he loves you? That he thinks you’re oh so wonderful for what you did?”
There was more laughter, “Do us a favour Way, go hang yourself.” Jason called., “Don’t worry bout leaving your cult behind, I’m sure they’ll quickly join you. Don’t you emo Satan worshippers have suicide pacts?”
“Fuck off! I shouted, “You fucking cunt! Or I’ll fucking hang you from a noose ya fucker!” I spat blood in Louis’s face.
He flinched and growled as he wiped the blood from his face as I breathed heavily, before suddenly lunging for me and grabbed me by the throat, lifting me off the ground, “You wanna push me Way? Wanna see how much I can really fucking hurt you? All that shit you said in class? That’s only a warm up!”
“Wow! Louis you’re strangling him man!” Andrew said quickly as I gasped. I saw from the corner of my eye that he was holding up a cell phone.
“He’s not lucky enough, he ain’t fucking worth killing.” Louis scoffed, “I’m gonna make you suffer and want to drop dead Way.” he hissed in my ear before pushing me a way.
I choked and coughed up blood, hand rubbing my throbbing throat-only for it to be yanked away as Alex twisted my full arm against my back, making me cry out in pain. I let out a sob, it hurts so fucking much.
“Aw look he’s crying again! Fucking loser!”
I cried out as my face was hit off the wall and the sound of glass breaking echoed in my ears, “Here I’ll show you how to cut properly for you can do it yourself later.” There was a flick of a lighter and my jacket and shirt were pulled off me, my I-pod getting tossed to the ground. I screamed in pain as I felt the glass cut into my back, the flame from the lighter burning my skin, “Ah fuck stop! Please!” I begged.
“What, you do this all the time don’t you? So quit being a pussy! You’re a faggot remember?” Alex spat at me, “And a fucking skinny, anorexic one at that.” he laughed looking at my chest as I continued to scream, tears of pain, anger and humiliation running down my face as he started cutting into my arm.
“Aw dude that is sweet!” Jason laughed then pulled my head up by the back of my hair, “How’s that for fucking Art fag!” he said icily, yanking my blood covered arm up to my face, “Look at it you fucker!” he shrieked.
I forced my eyes to look and I felt sick again: My arm was coated in blood and a severe looking cut was carved deeply into my skin. The skin red raw around it.
Jason spat on me before pushing my head against the wall.
After more degrading abuse, they went back to their old routine and beat the shit outta me; I didn’t have any strength to fight back. I got a couple of hits in but that didn’t seem to do anything built beat me up even worse. I soon felt sick, dizzy and in absolute agony.
Suddenly I felt my jeans being yanked and I screamed, kicking furiously.
“Wow Louis, what the fuck dude?” Andrew yelled, pocketing his cell.
“Giving the fag what he wants!”
“Yeah Andrew he fucking deserves it, remember?”
“What, you’re gonna-the five of you?! Come on man that’s a bit far-”
“What are you backing out of it like a fucking faggot too?”
“NO! I mean come on! Look at him Louis!”
I choked back a sob, coughing continuously and spitting out blood, shaking furiously.
“Still see a fucking filthy faggot whore who deserves it.” Louis said looking at me with utter hate and loathing in his eyes.
He grabbed my ankle and I lashed out without thinking, connecting with his jaw.
I didn’t stop to see the damage; I grabbed my shirt and jacket, pulled up my jeans and boxers and ran for it, not stopping, especially as I heard them giving chase. I blinked away tears, mixing with blood as I shoved on my shirt and jacket, hoping to stop myself shaking, my full body aching and burning, pleading for me to stop, blood dripping from every inch of me. I didn’t dare turn around or stop, I just kept running.
Mikey’s point of view.
I looked at my cell phone yet again to check the time-2:15am.
“Where the fuck are you Gee?” I muttered worriedly, looking outside the window, “You were supposed to be home hours ago.”
Neither Frank or Ray replied. I hadn’t expected them to. Frank had rushed over here the minute I called up to see if he was at his place and realized he hadn’t shown up. Frank had reassured me that maybe he was caught up in some extra work, but once it hit 1am, we started getting worried. We called up Ray to ask if he had seen him. Ray said he hadn’t and once I told him he was supposed to be home by now, he rushed over too. We had all called Gee’s cell numerous times only to get no answer, no reply to our texts and to be honest, our imaginations were going into over drive, though we didn’t dare speak of them out loud. Frank was sitting on the sofa, head down, a now cold cup of coffee in his hands. He hadn’t moved from that position since half one. Me and Ray tried talking to him but didn’t get an answer and he didn’t join in our small conversations we had to break the silence. Me and Ray knew without even having to ask that Frank was just as worried and scared as me and Ray were and even mine and Gee’s parents, who were in the kitchen talking in low worried voices with Frank‘s mother and Ray‘s brother who was keeping Ray company while their parents were at work. Once or twice I had turned round and saw tears falling from Frank’s eyes and sniff and let out a small sob a few times before wiping his eyes.
Ray looked at his cell phone which he hadn’t put down since he first came over and tried calling again. I looked over as he frowned, “What is it?” I asked nervously.
“It’s off now.” Ray bit his lip worriedly.
I felt my breath hitch in my throat and I looked out the window anxiously. Frank let out another sob and Ray went over and put an arm around his shoulders.
I don’t think there is any silence worse than this. Sitting waiting anxiously for a loved one to come home for hours, the worry, anxiety, and fear building up with each passing moment as the minutes tick by with no sign of them. The thoughts that cross your mind, each getting increasingly worse and more scary as you wait, wondering when you’re going to hear a knock on the door or receive a phone call, hoping to hear news but silently dreading it in case it’s something you never want to hear.
The silence was punctuated occasionally by one of us sniffing, me or Frank letting out a small sob occasionally and Ray coughing, and the sudden raised mutter of one of our parent or Ray‘s brother.
Suddenly my cell rang and I jumped abruptly, letting out a small yelp. I pressed answer, “Hello?” I asked shakily.
”Mikey! It’s Lyn-Z! Gee’s co-worker? Has he came home yet?” Lyn-z asked in a rush.
“No.” I croaked out, “How did you-”
”Oh God, I asked him to call me the minute he got home to let me know he got back okay, as he refused to let me wait up for him while he finished stocking up, but he hasn’t answered his cell.”
“We tried that too, it’s been turned off now.” I replied, my voice cracking.
I’ll call my dad, he’s on his way home from work, I’ll ask him to keep a lookout for him.”
“Thanks Liz.” I croaked.
”Hey, it’s the least I can do. I should have stayed anyway.” I could hear the guilt in her voice.
“It’s not your fault Lyn-Z so don’t think that. We all know how stubborn he can be.” I said firmly.
”I know that, but I still should have.”
“Hey we don’t now if anything bad has happed yet or not but if there is, you could have got involved too and we both know Gerard would have beaten himself up about it for ages.” I said, “But hopefully nothing bad has happened, maybe he’s just ran into someone he knows and got side tracked by conversation.”
I knew deep down that I was trying to reassure myself along with Lyn-Z, ”Yeah maybe, listen when he get’s home, can you call me to let me know he’s okay?”
“Yeah of course.” I said.
”Thanks, I better go if I want to catch my dad on his way home”
I ended the call and quickly called up Bert.
“Hey Mikey what’s up?“
“Bert, have you seen Gerard at all?” I asked in a rush.
”Not since English class. I heard from him at about half six saying he was gonna cover my stock up shift on Mondays from now on and I did his on a Thursday, but part from that, haven’t heard or seen him at all.”
“Shit.” I hissed.
Ray looked up and I shook my head. Ray put his head in his hands letting out a moan of despair.
”Mikey what’s wrong? Is he okay?” Bert asked sounding concerned.
“We don’t know Bert.” I moaned, “If he called you at six thirty, that means the last person he saw was Lyn-Z and that was over fours hours ago. She hasn’t seen him either.”
”Shit, that ain’t like em at all.” Bert said sounding uneasy now, ”Did he mention he was going anywhere after work?”
“No, he said he was coming straight home.” I said realizing, “Lyn-Z said he made no mention of that either.”
”Try calling up anyone he talks to, maybe he ran into one of them on his way home, got side tracked.”
“Yeah maybe, but for four hours? Without calling to let us know? I mean his cell’s off.” I said, panic reaching beyond high now.
”Okay that definitely isn’t like him.”
“No its not.”
”Look, I’ll go and look for him okay? See if he’s out anywhere. Maybe a late night internet café or something.”
“Thanks Bert, really appreciate it.” I said gratefully.
”Hey, no worries man, he’s my friend too. Got to look out for him.”
We both hung up and I looked over at my boyfriend, who looked deeply worried, rubbing his arm furiously and staring at the wall. Frank had his head in his hands, his face tear stained. I couldn’t blame the guys. I was at a complete lost as to what to do. Gerard wasn’t home yet, it was nearly three in the morning, his phone turned off without no replies, no one had seen him since ten pm when the store closed so he couldn‘t be with his friends…where the hell was he?
“Lyn-Z said she’s gonna call her Dad to keep a look out for him on his way home from work and Bert says he’s gonna check out some local late night internet cafes.” I said.
Frank didn’t say a word and Ray nodded in acknowledgement before I went through to the kitchen to tell our parents and Rays’ brother.
Ray’s point of view.
I bit my lip continuously, my leg shaking as I leaned on a nerve, my mind working over time, trying to figure out where the hell Gerard could have gone to at this hour.
Frank was staring at the floor, looking thoroughly frustrated and upset and I felt a huge wave of sympathy for him. The guy may have only known Gee for a couple of days but they had became best friends pretty quickly and were practically inseparable, joined at the hip, laughing and messing around and according to Mikey, on the phone for hours judging by last night. Now that he didn’t know where Gee was and couldn’t get contact with him, Frank looked rather down and strangely empty behind the eyes. The fact that he had came over straight away and sat here waiting like me and everyone else in the house for four hours straight without a complaint proved just how much he cared for him, and I knew that Mikey-and his and Gee’s parents- were grateful for him being here for when Gerard finally did come home.
Mikey came back through but rather than take his position at the window like he had done so for the past four hours, he instead took to pacing the room, twisting his fingers around continuously, occasionally running a hand through his hair and muttering under his breath.
“Mikey hon.” I said quietly my voice laced with sympathy, “Please gonna sit down? You’re going to make yourself sick doing that.”
Mikey, who had paced around the whole room over a hundred times in the past half hour that had passed looked at me, and I felt my heart strings tug. He looked absolutely torn, the worry clearly etched on his thin face, the anticipation of hearing news and a glimmer of hope behind his eyes,…
“I know Ray, but its hard. I feel like I got to keep myself active, or am gonna drive myself up the wall.” Mikey said feverishly, continuing to pace.
I sighed and sat back on the chair, Frank tapping his foot sub consciously.
After a few more minutes of this, my brother came into the room and looked at us each in turn before saying-
“How bout you guys go downstairs to his room. . Usually when a loved one is missing and someone is worried, the first thing they do is sit somewhere where that person occupies a lot. For comfort ya know. That or wearing something that person owns. Or both.”
Mike’s eyes lit up with new hope and a slight smile-the first since we stared waiting-appeared on his lips. I mouthed a thank you to my brother who just smiled as Mikey rushed downstairs to Gerard’s room.
“Thanks bro.” I said gratefully, standing up rather stiffly, having not moved from that position in hours and stretching, “You ever thought of being a therapist?”
”Ha ha.” he laughed dryly, “Listening to you crushing over that boy downstairs, is like being a therapist enough thank you.”
I spluttered, blushing furiously and I heard Frank let out a small chuckle making me jump slightly.
“What’s up puffball? Cat got your tongue?” my brother teased.
I simply flipped him off as he laughed, heading back into the kitchen.
“You coming Frank?” I asked.
“Yeah just, just give me a minute.” I nodded before I headed to Gerard’s room.
Frank’s point of view
The minute I got downstairs into Gerard’s room, I instantly understood what Ray’s brother meant about comfort. I always had felt strangely comfortable in his room. Maybe because it had his personality all over it. The music and movie posters pinned to the walls, the untidy, disorganized pile of clothes, Cds, games and DVDs on the floor, the pile of comics, music and horror movie magazines on his bedside table, his artwork on different canvases and easels and the art materials, the photos of him and his friends and family…plus the strong smell of nicotine, coffee and paint supplies made it feel even stronger that it was his room. It was the second closest thing to him actually being here and I felt myself relax-slightly due to the fact he wasn’t here which would have been so much better-but relax all the same.
Mikey was sitting, legs crossed Indian style in the middle of Gerard’s bed, Gerard’s song book in his hands and Gee’s duvet wrapped around his slender frame, and I knew without asking him it was to comfort him, as if he could imagine that it was his brothers’ arms around him. That made a small smile tug at my lips.
Ray was sitting on the bed too, head and back comfortable against the pillow he had put up against the head board, looking through one of Gerard’s art folders, eyes drawn to the drawings Gerard had done himself over the years, his mouth hanging open with amazement as each drawing seemed to be better then the last and expressing his amazement out loud as if Gerard was in the room to hear him. I knew this as he kept on saying his name in each comment that he spoke. Mikey had switched on the hi-fi and The Misfits- the last band Gerard had switched on before leaving the house for work-was playing quietly in the background.
No one was talking. The only sounds was the music and Ray talking out loud.
Without saying anything, I looked around the room and picked up one of Gerard’s hoodies that he had left on the floor. Holding it up I saw it was an old Iron Maiden one with worn out sleeves, paint and charcoal stains covering the material like a second layer. I quickly shrugged it on, letting the smell of nicotine, coffee and paint fill my senses and I felt the comfort intensify. Mikey looked up and smiled softly at me and I smiled back before sitting on the beside him, him instantly wrapping the duvet around the two of us. I lay my head on his shoulder and Mikey lay his on my head, sub consciously stroking my hair back like his brother does if any of us are sitting beside him on the couch watching a film or someone playing a game. Ray looked over at us and smiled tiredly but softly at us before going back to looking through the drawings.
We sat there, sharing the comfort of Gerard’s room, and the fact that each one of us was sitting here because we were all just as worried, scared and anxious as one another.
It’s now hit six thirty in the morning. Gerard and Mikey’s father is on the phone to the cops while their mother is hanging outside the door, gazing with tears down her face at the dirt New Jersey street, my mom standing there with her, an arm around her shoulders, face wrinkled with worry and concern. Ray’s brother left to take to the streets hours ago to search with Bert and Lyn-Z’s dad and they’ve all called regularly with no updates. Mikey is crying quietly but uncontrollably on my shoulder, Ray has tears In his eyes, his arms wrapped around the both of us as we sat on Gerard’s bed, I feel sick to my stomach, and can feel the tears building up but am too upset to cry, as if I’ve gone numb inside and my mind refuses to acknowledge the fact that is now in my head.
He’s been missing over night.
Gerard isn’t home.
I sat there for what seemed like days, everything around me is like a blur, my mind not processing anything at all except those two sentences. I knew sub consciously that Mikey was still crying on my shoulder and Ray still had his arms around us, except now the duvet is wrapped around the three of us and he was crying too, his tears hitting my face and I soon realized tears were falling freely from my own eyes yet I wasn’t making a sound.
None of us were. Even when the phone rang when it hit eight in the morning and Gerard’s mother shrieked with fright. We didn’t flinch when there was a sudden knock on the door and Gerard and Mikey’s dad walked in looking terrified and sad.
We only made noise when he told us who was on the phone and that was the noise of our hearts breaking as we let out the emotions our hearts couldn’t speak.
Gerard wasn’t missing anymore
But he wasn’t home safely either.
He’s in hospital.
And fighting for his life.