Categories > TV > Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Hanging the Monkey

Chapter Five.

by Hussar 0 reviews

Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Rating: G - Genres:  - Published: 2013-01-27 - Updated: 2013-01-27 - 2474 words - Complete


Saturday morning.

Waking up in a strange room, Buffy stiffened ready to fight for her life. Slowly the memories of the previous night returned to her alcohol befuddled mind. Dawn’s party, too many glasses of cheap red wine, Kennedy picking her up, Willow tucking her in; it was all coming back to her.

“Oh god!” she groaned as she raised her hand to her forehead; it felt like there were a team of tiny demons inside her head hitting her skull with hammers.

Pushing back the blanket that had been placed over her, Buffy found someone had stripped her down to her underwear and then put an oversized t-shirt on her. Frantically Buffy searched her throbbing head for any memory of guys. None surfaced, after-all what would a guy be doing in the apartment belonging to two lesbians…unless it was Andrew of course. No, Buffy sighed with relief, Andrew was in China where hopefully he’d be arrested by the authorities and thrown into jail…the guy was a pervert!

Sitting up, Buffy groaned again and felt slightly sick, she tried to remember if she’d said or done anything that would stop Dawn from wanting to see or speak to her again. Nothing sprang to mind, although it was very difficult to think; the demons in her head were using bigger hammers and had redoubled their efforts trying to reduce her brain to jello.

So, why was she at Willow’s apartment? Why wasn’t she sleeping on Dawn’s couch? The answer came to Buffy in a blinding flash of pain…Dawn was in bed with a boy and hadn’t wanted her sister around to spoil things! Standing up, Buffy suddenly felt very sick, she swayed and sat down again. Those pesky demons were now using pneumatic drills in her head, moving quickly was not a good idea. Deciding that Dawn’s sexual indiscretions could wait, Buffy made her way slowly and carefully towards the bathroom.


After finding that some evil minded bastard had coated her tongue with yellow fur, Buffy made her way into the kitchen. She flinched as she opened the door; the blinds were open and daylight poured into the room making her eyes water. Stumbling around she found that some kind hearted soil had set up the percolator so all she had to do was switch it on. Buffy sat down and watched as the percolator worked its magic and the demons in her head made one final effort to finish off her brain.

After what felt like an eternity the coffee was ready, she found a mug and poured. The first sip of the strong, black brew blasted the cobwebs from her mind and drowned the demons and their drills. Feeling marginally better, Buffy shuffled back into the lounge and sat back down on the couch; she pulled the blanket around her and started to wonder where her clothes were.

It was then she heard it, the sound of passionate moaning and groaning coming from behind the bedroom door.

“Christ,” Buffy whispered to herself, “don’t those two ever stop?”

It had been bad enough back in Sunnydale with Tara and Willow just the other side of the wall. But the short time she’d lived in the same house as Willow and Kennedy…they were at it morning, noon and night! Buffy wondered where they got the energy…well, she knew where Kennedy got it, but Willow? Switching on the TV in the corner of the room, Buffy hoped to drown out the climax of the performance. Finding the remote she turned to a news channel and sat back to watch.

“Gorilla rampage in Hartlepool,” announced the news anchor as he stared out of the TV screen directly at Buffy.

Feeling as if the TV guy could actually see her, Buffy pulled the blanket up around her chin before settling back to see what was what. After all Hartlepool was only just up the coast and…

“OH MY GOD!” shrieked Buffy almost spilling her coffee, “Faith! Xander!”

The anchor was explaining how a gorilla had escaped from a local Safari Park and had gone on a rampage through Hartlepool. It had killed several people and had caused serious damage to several houses before the police had cornered it on the roof of the local townhall. Watching the report, Buffy prayed that she wouldn’t see Faith or Xander being led away by the local police.

“Then,” continued the anchor, “in a final strange twist to an already strange night a young woman was spotted climbing up to the roof where the ape was cornered.”

The picture cut away from the anchor to some unsteadily shot pictures of the town hall surrounded by police. Buffy watched in horrified fascination as she saw Faith climb up the side of the town hall and disappear.

“At first,” explained the anchor, “the mystery woman was thought to be an animal rights activist. However, when the police finally secured the rooftop they found the ape hanging by the neck from the town hall flagpole…”

Pulling the blanket up over her head, Buffy let the anchor’s voice fade into the background and instead concentrated on the sounds coming from the bedroom. At least Willow and Kennedy sounded as if they were having fun. Buffy sighed heavily, maybe she should try the whole ‘lesbian thing’ out; she wouldn’t have to listen to the early morning news, she’d be too busy.


Slightly later the same morning

Cursed with a bladder the size of a walnut, Dawn stumbled from her room and made it to the bathroom on auto-pilot. Yanking open the door she came face to face with a guy…a handsome guy…in a robe that soooo wasn’t his, coz apart from anything else it was way too small for him.

“EEEP!” said Dawn as she nearly wet herself in surprise; after all it wasn’t everyday she met handsome guys coming out of her bathroom.

“Hi,” said the guy in a British accent; which in itself wasn’t odd seeing how this was Britain and all.

“H-hi,” replied Dawn, she frowned as she tried to remember who the guy was, he smiled at her.

“Excuse me you’re…who?” damn-it-all this was no time to play twenty questions Dawn told herself, and any way she really needed to get in and use the bathroom.

“Alistair,” the guy smiled uncomfortably, that robe was really too small for him…I mean ‘really’. “Vi’s boyfriend?” he added when he noticed Dawn’s continual frown.

“Oh god! Yes!” Dawn laughed half heartedly, things were starting to get painful and she had an urge to hop from one leg to the other, “I was talking to you last night,” Dawn paused and thought hard about that last statement, “I was, wasn’t I?”

“Yeah,” nodded Alistair, “look I’ll leave you to get on with whatever it was…” his voice petered out, “…look I’ll see you later.”

He squeezed passed Dawn and headed for Vi’s room. Dawn rushed into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. After quickly checking no one was hiding in the shower, she sat down and sighed with relief. Alistair was nice, he was also cute and knowing slayer’s luck probably a demon with plans to lead Vi into hell or something. Dawn frowned, this whole relationship would need careful watching…just in case.


Late Saturday morning.

Just as he was about to put a load of laundry into his washing machine, Xander heard a knock on his front door.

“Darn!” he muttered.

After the previous night’s excitement, he’d dropped off Faith and her Rover back at the pub where she had a room. He’d called a cab and got home at about three in the morning. He’d slept late and had got up at about eleven-thirty; he’d been hoping to have a quiet day so he could do some chores around his flat. Now it sounded like there was a slayer at the door, only a slayer could make that much noise simply knocking on a door. Slipping on his eye patch he made his way to the door and pulled it open.

“Hi!” Faith smiled up at him, she was dressed warmly against the cold northern winter weather, “Come-on grab ya stuff we’re outta here.”

“What?” Absently Xander reached for the parka that hung next to the door and grabbed his wallet and keys from off the shelf near the doorway.

“Come-on,” Faith took a step away from the door as if to encourage him to move faster, “I got something to show ya.”

Leading him by the hand down to the parking lot outside his apartment block, she opened the passenger door of her battered old Land Rover, jumped in then squirmed across the seat until she was sitting behind the wheel.

“Other doors jammed,” she explained as Xander climbed in next to her.

“Where are we going?” Xander wanted to know as Faith started the engine.

“You’ll see,” Faith smiled mysteriously as the engine started and she drove them out onto the road.

After a fifteen minute drive, during which Faith was unusually tight lipped, Xander found himself outside St George’s Park, the home of Hartlepool’s rugby union team. Faith led him past the ticket office and into the stand, she sat him down and turned to go saying that she’d see him before the match started.

Deciding that this was all very odd, Xander sat down on the plastic seat and wondered what was going on. He liked sports as much as any guy, he supposed, but he couldn’t remember Faith ever showing much interest. Also he wasn’t sure what sport he’d come to watch; he was vaguely aware that rugby was a more violent type of football. He had a memory of Giles mocking the high school football team years before.

He found himself sitting almost on the half way line and about half a dozen rows back from the pitch. To his untutored eye it looked like the perfect place to watch the game. He kept looking around for Faith but he could see no sign of her so he made himself comfortable and read the program that she’d bought for him on the way in.

The game was being played between the ‘Hartlepool Harridans’ and the ‘Halifax Hawks’. It was about at this point that Xander realised that he was going to see a game of Lady’s Rugby Union. A great roar went up from the crowd that made him look up as the home team ran out onto the pitch. His eye was drawn to one figure in particular, her brown curls bobbing as she trotted out onto the pitch; a large number nine on the back of her red and white hoped jersey. The woman turned and smiled as she waved to him from the pitch.

“Oh my god!” he gasped, “Faith!”


Some time later; Harridans 20, Hawks 25, with two minutes to full time.

Dropping her shoulder, Faith hit the Hawks ‘back’ in the stomach as she tried to run around Faith. The girl went down with a loud FUCK! she’d dropped the ball. Reaching out Faith managed to gather it up in her arms and started to head for the touch-line. A Hawk’s ‘forward’ came at her from almost dead ahead. Dummying left, Faith jinked right at the last moment and put on a spurt of speed leaving the Hawk’s girl in confusion behind her.

Sprinting for the line Faith knew she had to score the try. A try would level the score, if they then converted it they’d win and be on their way to the finals in the spring. A girl came at Faith from the left, swapping the ball to her right hand she ‘handed’ the girl off and saw her fall to the ground. However, distracted by the first girl, Faith hadn’t noticed the second girl come in from the right. The Hawks’ girl tackled Faith around the waist but slipped down her body until she was hanging onto Faith’s right leg.

To hell with not using her slayer powers, thought Faith, this was important, so she kept running dragging the Hawk’s girl behind her; she only had five metres to go to cross the line and her team were relying on her. Another Hawks player came out of nowhere and tried to pull Faith to the ground. Faith pushed the second girl to send her stumbling away to crash into another of her team mates. Both girls went down in a muddle of arms, legs and bad language.

Stumbling forward Faith dragged herself and the Hawk, who was still hanging on gamely to her leg, towards the line. With a metre to go Faith launched herself at the line. The Hawks player, who’d been hanging on to her so determinedly, finally let go as Faith literally flew towards the touch-line.

Landing on her chest with the ball held out in front of her, Faith slid along the wet ground for a couple of yards until she eventually came to a halt. Climbing to her feet she looked around at the referee to see he’d already awarded the try. A second later Faith found herself surrounded by her madly cheering team mates as they jumped up and down and congratulated her. The score was now twenty-five all.


“Is that it?” Xander asked the local man standing next to him.

“Nay, lad,” replied the older man; having seen that Xander was a little confused by the working of the game he’d done his best to explain things as the game had progressed.

“Right,” the man glanced up at the timer above the score board, “if the Number Ten can convert the try…

“By kicking it between the posts?” Xander asked.

“That’s it lad,” agreed the man, “there’ll be less than a minute to full time. Then once the ball goes dead…”

“Like when the ball goes into touch, right?”

“That’s it, lad,” the older guy smiled, “we’ll make a rugby fan of you yet. That’s when the game’s over.”

There was a tremendous cheer from the home crowd as the ball sailed easily between the Hawks’ goal posts. Xander and the old guy cheered at the tops of their lungs as the players came back to the centre for the restart. The Hawks tried to ‘tap’ the ball and run it to the Harridans’ line; however they soon lost possession and the ball was kicked into touch, the game was over and the real celebrations could begin.

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