FicWad

For a few moments Ayasha allowed her body to respond to his without thinking. It wasn't until he tried to deepen the kiss her brain suddenly engaged and she roughly pushed him away.

Gerard was shocked and hurt. “Ayasha?”

“This isn’t right.” She said scooting back on the sleeping bag.

“Why?” He needed to understand her thoughts.

“Why?” She gave him an incredulous look. “How can you even ask that?”

“Because I want to know what you’re thinking.” He said slowly.

She sighed shaking her head.

The hurt he felt from her rejection was still stinging. “Yeah, I get it. Why the hell would you want to have anything to do with a guy trapped between life and death? I’m a fuckin’ joke.”

Immediately she spoke. “That’s not why.” She paused then added, “Okay, partly that’s why.”

Now he was confused. “What?”

She was angry at herself and him. “Look we both know that anything between us is just fantasy. If you weren’t trapped between the worlds you wouldn’t be here. We would never be together.”

“You don’t think I’d be attracted to you if the situation was different?”

She hated how much her body was still humming from his touch. “I didn’t say that. If you saw me in a bar, yes, you might be attracted to me. But we both know why.”

Again his past actions were haunting him and that made him angry. “Oh, so you think I’d treat you like that bitch I was with right before this shit happened.”

Angrily she scooted even further away. “Just the way you speak about her confirms that.”

“Bullshit.” He spat. “She is a bitch, you can’t deny that. Yeah, I used her and she’s still using me. Spreading lies.”

“They aren’t all lies.” Ayasha reminded him.

His anger at how badly things had turned was growing. “No, they aren’t. I did let her suck my cock in the bathroom then I went to her place and fucked her. It’s what she wanted as much as I did.”

Her eyes flashed. “Yes, that’s what you want from women. That’s all men ever want.”

A small voice in the back of his head was trying to remind him about the little he knew of her past but he foolishly ignored it. “That’s really want you think? You think every guy who shows any interest in you just wants to fuck you?”

She flinched as if he’d slapped her. “Yes, that’s what I know.”

Now that small voice in his head was screaming at him to stop. However the fear he felt, the anger, about his situation was boiling over. “So you think all I want is to fuck you? You really think that’s all?”

The shame she carried from her past did as it always did, turned to uncontrollable anger. “Hey, why should I be bothered? At least I’m wanted for something, right? Even a guy who can’t physically feel anything wants to fuck me.”

He saw the pain in her eyes. “I don’t want to fuck you.” He whispered.

Ayasha’s emotions were out of control. Everything had gone to hell. “Sure.”

Gerard’s eyes grew wide in shock as he watched her yank off her sweatshirt to reveal her bare breasts.

She saw him staring. “Tell me again how you don’t want to fuck me.” She screamed.

He tore his eyes away from her breasts. “It’s not what I want.” He whispered.

Ayasha’s eyes locked with his. “Of course it is. I’m a whore, you already know that. You have to have guessed by now that I’ve been arrested more than once for selling my body. It’s all I have that any man’s ever wanted.”

Slowly he reached over and picked up her sweatshirt. When he placed it over her head she automatically thrust he arms into the garment. Then he looked deeply into her eyes. “Tell me what you see.”

The question shocked her. “What?”

“In my eyes, tell me what you see.”

She continued to stare deeply into his eyes but remained silent.

“It’s not lust.” He said softly. “You know that.”

She refused to believe.

“Ayasha.” He said her name softly. “I know you see it. It ain’t lust. You just don’t want to admit the truth.”

The tension in her body relaxed but she now looked defeated. What she saw in his eyes couldn’t be real. “No.” She whispered.

Gerard slowly moved closer to her. “I don’t want to fuck you, Ayasha. I want you to let me love you.”

“Love? That’s just a pretty word but it means the same thing.”

He realized how deeply she’d been hurt before. “You’re afraid to believe.”

“Believe what?”

Looking down he reached for her hand and suddenly felt hope when she didn’t snatch it away. “Believe what you see in my eyes.”

“I don’t see anything.” She looked away.

“It scares you. You don’t want to believe it’s real. I can’t blame you all that much. You’ve got a guy holding your hand who’s laying in a coma out in LA. A guy who’s trying to tell you how much you mean to him. A guy who’s telling you he needs you to believe he’s not lying to you.” When she continued to look away he went on. “I know you’ve been hurt in the past. Guys have used your body but they didn’t touch your soul.” He gently reached out to touch her cheek. “Your soul is pure, untouched.”

“It’s as ugly as the rest of me.” She whispered.

“No.” He said gently. “That’s not true.”

“You just don’t understand, you don’t know.” She was fighting the urge to get up and run.

“I know the woman I see sitting in front of me is beautiful. The woman you are today is beautiful inside and out. Your past can’t change who you are at this moment.”

“You wouldn’t say that if you knew all the things I’ve done.” She whispered.

“Yes, I would. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Your past, the things you did before I met you wouldn’t change the way I feel. Don’t you think I understand how you feel? I’ve done some fucked up things, things that have lead to this limbo. I’ve hurt people who loved me. I used people.” He paused, “Right now, at this moment, do you still think I’m that same man?”

Slowly she looked up. “No, I believe you regret what you’ve done. I know you want to make things right.”

He nodded slightly. “Thank you for believing that.”

“But you can change things, you can tell people you’re sorry for what you’ve done.”

He smiled sadly, “Only if I get a second chance to live again.”

“You will.” She refused to believe any differently. “But I can’t. I can’t go back and tell my grandmother I’m sorry for what I did, how I acted before she died. I can’t tell her how sorry I am for the things I did after that.”

“Ayasha, she knows.” He said softly. “She’s with you right now in your heart. She’d be proud of the woman you are today.”

“I’d like to believe that.” She whispered looking down again.

He used his finger to lift her chin. “Then let yourself believe. Don’t let any ugliness from your past stop you.”

“I don’t know how.” She admitted in a haunted tone. “I can’t let it go. It eats away at me.”

“Only you can make it stop. You have that power. Let go of that part of your past, bury it. It’s over, done.” He was about to say more but suddenly stopped.

Ayasha watched as he glanced into the distance. She automatically tightened her grip on his hand forgetting he couldn’t feel she was trying to offer him support.

___________
LA
____________

Alicia looked up as Mikey walked into the waiting room. She was pleased he looked almost happy. “Hey, how is he?”

Mikey sat down next to her. “It’s weird but he really looks a lot better, almost stronger.”

She smiled, “That’s good.”

He nodded, “Yeah, especially after yesterday. Shit, I was so afraid. He looked so bad yesterday, so lifeless.”

She didn’t want him to dwell on that. “But today he’s better.”

Mikey nodded, “Yeah, just gotta keep positive. He’s gonna wake up.”

Alicia put her arm around him. “That’s right, he is.” She hugged him then continued, “Ray left this. He and Frank want you to read it before it gets posted.”

Mikey took the sheet of typed paper from her hand and began to read. Alicia was watching his face closely trying to see how the words affected him. When he’d read the last word he lowered the paper. “I’m sorry I lost it with Frank.”

“Hey, he understood how much stress everyone it under.” She said softly.

“He really does love Gee.”

Alicia nodded, “Yes, he does. I like what he wrote.”

“Me too.” Mikey sighed, “It should give the kids some sort of explanation about what’s happened.”

“It gives them some hope.” Alicia said feeling how important it was to stress that fact. “The fans love Gee and it’s important that they know how much all their thoughts and prayers mean to all of us.”

Mikey leaned back in his chair, “Shit, how did it come to this?”

“You have to stop blaming yourself.” Alicia said understanding her husband’s thoughts. “You were trying to help him but he refused.”

“I should have helped him not tried.” Mikey said angrily. “We all should have done a fuckin’ intervention on his ass.”

“He would have resisted.” Alicia said sadly. “He’s a grown man who makes his own decisions. You guys all tried to talk to him, I know you did. He wouldn’t listen.”

“Sometimes I think this is what he wanted.” Mikey whispered. “He didn’t want to go on. He was trying to end it all.”

“No, I don’t think that’s true. He was hurting we all know that but right now he’s laying in there holding on.”

Mikey wished he could believe her words. “We don’t really know that. Maybe what we’re gonna post is bad, a lie. We only think he accidentally took that mixture of drugs. Maybe he knew what he was doing, knew they could be deadly.”

“We won’t know for sure until he comes out of the coma.” Alicia said trying to keep the emotion out of her voice. “But I honestly don’t believe he tried to end his life. I think he was afraid and confused. He was in pain and wanted that to stop. I can’t believe he’d want to stop living, to leave his daughter. You know how much he loves Bandit.”

“But he was pulling away from her too.” Mikey whispered. “Shit, what if he never comes out of that fuckin’ coma? Bandit will have so few memories of him.”

“Mikey, stop.” She commanded. “Thinking like that won’t help anything.”

“I can’t help it.” He said lowering his head, “I just can’t.”

____________________________________________________

“It was Mikey.” Gerard finally said looking back at Ayasha.

She nodded.

He shook his head to dispel the memory of his brother’s voice. “Shit, sorry. I know we were in the middle of something important.”

In truth the break had been welcomed by Ayasha, it gave her time to get her emotions under control. “What was he saying?”

Gerard’s smile was sad, “That I looked better.” His laugh was hollow. “How the fuck can someone in a coma look better?”

Ayasha thought a moment before responding. “Maybe because yesterday you were in the darkness so long. Today I came home early and you’ve been here much longer.”

He was surprised by her words. “You think that’s really possible?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know and if it is, I’m sorry. I was the reason you were in the darkness so long.”

He sighed, “You can’t live your life trying to get home early because of me.”

“You know why I was so late.” She said refusing to let go of the guilt. “I couldn’t face you. That was stupid of me.”

“Sugar, I understand not wanting to face your past.”

She quickly interrupted him. “Not my past, it was you. I was afraid of facing you, what you’d think of me.”

Their conversation had come full circle. “Well now you know the truth. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you.” He paused, “And for the record I’m glad I didn’t meet you before.” He didn’t understand the shocked look on her face. “Because I know I had become too ugly to see your beauty.”

She tired to ignore the guilty she suddenly felt for not correcting his assumption. “Hell of a way for us to meet, don’t you think?”

He laughed, “Oh yeah. But we’ve meet for a reason, I know that in my heart.”

“And that reason is to get you back home.” She said with determination. “I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do.”

“You seem to think this is all on you.”

She gave him a confused look. “Well yes, I do. I believe I’m supposed to help you, why else would you be here?”

“I told you before, I want to believe that we’re suppose to help each other.” He said slowly.

“You think making me face my ugly past is to help me?”

“I think making you stop running from it will help you. Not letting your past keep you from living your life.”

“Gerard, I’ve been running almost my whole life. When I finally settled here I tried to make myself believe I could stop.”

He nodded, “Tell me the truth, if I wasn’t here would you have run away again?”

Here eyes grew wide as the question sunk in. “You mean when Kyle confronted me about knowing about my past?”

He nodded.

“Probably.” She said slowly. “Honestly, that was my first thought. Just to pick up and leave.” She was shocked by the truth. “I was so embarrassed at the thought of Tom finding out.”

“And why didn’t you run?”

“Well, because.” Her mouth snapped shut.

He smiled, “Because you’ve got a man trapped in your house?”

Just realizing she’d actually considered leaving upset her. “It was stupid to consider running. If Tom found out and fired me, I will find another job.”

“You didn’t really answer my question.”

She had realized that too. “Okay, yes. I have a man trapped in my house that I want to think needs me.”

“He does.” Gerard said in a smooth tone. “And I hope I can be what you need too for however long I’m here.”

For several minutes the only sounds were that of the CD and the crackling fire. Finally Ayasha spoke. “And yet it’s all so sad.”

He moved over then gently put his arm around her. “Neither of us knows how this will turn out.”

“You’ll go back to your life.” She said quickly. “That’s all that’s important.”

“Not all that’s important.” He said smiling when she rested her head against his chest. “And we don’t even know if that will happen. I’ve been in this coma for almost a week now.”

“It happened a week ago tomorrow night.” She whispered.

Suddenly Gerard chuckled.

“What?”

“Just thinking about the first night here. I was remembering how you tired to push me out the door.”

“Oh.” She shook her head, “I was so scared when I couldn’t budge you. Up until that moment I really thought you were real.”

“Real.” He whispered.

She lifted her head to look into his eyes. “You know what I mean. You are real.” She lifted her hand to touch his cheek. “Especially to me.”

“You make me real.” He whispered. “Without you I’m nothing, alone in the darkness.”

Ayasha couldn’t stop herself from sitting up then turning her body so that she was sitting facing him. Not caring what her mind told her she pressed her lips against his.

Gerard pulled her into his arms.

She moved back slightly so she could speak against his lips. “You make me feel real. You make me feel…” She couldn’t make herself speak the word.

“Loved.” Gerard whispered. “I want to make you feel loved.” He forced himself to sit back and look deeply into her eyes. “Is that how I make you feel?”

She nodded unable to speak.

“Tell me what you want me to do.” He pleaded. “Tell me what will make you happy?”

“Touch me.” Her voice was ragged. “I want to feel you touch me.”

It was important to him that she understood. “I want to touch you, I want to bring you pleasure but I have to know that you understand why.”

She stared at him.

“Ayasha, knowing I can bring you pleasure, make you feel loved means more to me than I can say. So tell me you understand.”

“I do.” She whispered.

He smiled slowly as he reached out for the bottom of her sweatshirt. “Lift your arms, Sugar.” She allowed him to pull it over her head. Gerard got up on his knees. “Lay back.” He coaxed.

Ayasha watched as he first threw a few more sticks into the fire.

“I love the way your skin looks in the firelight.” He said softly as he sat down beside her. He then let his eyes roam over her bare breasts and saw one nipple covered by a braid. He smiled as he picked up the plait of hair and using the tip brushed it across her nipple. Immediately it tightened into a hard nub. “So beautiful.” He whispered. “I wish I could taste it.”

Ayasha’s eyes were wide, her heart began to race. “Please.” She whispered.

He leaned his head down to capture the nipple in his mouth but suddenly he sat back up. “Honey, if I start to hurt you, you have to tell me.”

The reality struck her full force, he couldn’t even feel his mouth on her, couldn’t gauge the pressure his lips were putting on her skin. “You don’t have to do this.” She said softly.

“I want to do this, I need to do this. This isn’t just for you, Ayasha, it’s for me too. Making you feel good makes me feel good.”

When she nodded he lowered his mouth again but this time he simply swirled his tongue around her taunt nipple. He kept his eyes wide open needing to see his actions, being rewarded when he saw her body responding.

“That feels so good.” She said breathlessly.

He turned his attention to the other nipple until it too was a hardened nub.

For several moments he continued to love each nipple, until he heard her moan in frustration. He knew she needed more. Slow he sat back up and began to tug on her sweats. She lifted her hips so he could slide them down her legs.

“Still fuzzy.” She whispered.

“They are beautiful.” He said softly running his hands over them once the sweats had been tossed aside. “Very beautiful.” He sat back to admire her body in the firelight. Then he leaned down and began to run his tongue along the lace of her panties near the V of her legs.

“Oh.” She cried out.

He continued the action letting the tip of his tongue run along just under the lace. Ayasha could feel her body responding.

“So wet.” He whispered as his fingers ran over the panties to the material between her legs where he could see the moisture stain. He smiled as she moved her legs further apart to offer him better access. He murmured. “And so beautiful.”

When he ran his tongue over the material covering her heat she cried out his name.

“Patience, Ayasha.” He said softly.

“But…” She couldn’t make her mind find words.

Gerard sat back up to look into her eyes. “As nice as the lace panties are…”

“Take them off.” She ground out. “Please.”

He nodded then slowly ran his fingers under the material. She again lifted her hips and a moment later the small bit of lace was cast aside.

“God, you’re so beautiful.” He said allowing his eyes to roam over her naked body.

Ayasha was staring at him.

Slowly he ran his hand down her stomach to the V of her legs. Again she moved her legs further apart to welcome his touch. He scooted his body down further then once more lowered his head. When his tongue darted out to touch her glistening slit he heard her sharp intake of breath followed by a soft moan. Using his fingers he pulled apart her lips allowing his tongue free access to her hardened nub.

“Oh.” Ayasha cried out as her back arched. “Yes.”

Gerard’s tongue flicked the nub several times then slid down pushing its way into her womanly core. And even though he could see her body responding he knew it wasn’t enough.

“Gerard.” She whispered his name.

He looked up to see her holding out her hand to him.

He scooted back up then lay on his side facing her. “What is it, Sugar?”

Instead of answering she kissed him deeply. When the kiss finally broke off she spoke softly. “I needed to see into your eyes.”

“Sugar I have to see what I’m doing.” He tried to explain. “I mean, as much as I’ve love to be looking into your face I have to see what my hands are doing.”

“Can we lay like this?” She whispered.

He nodded then looked down as he lowered his hand down her body.

“Gerard?”

Again he looked into her eyes. “Yeah, Sugar?”

She glanced away feeling embarrassed. “I know you can’t feel anything but..well I can and I want to feel your skin next to mine.”

He smiled then rolled onto his back to pull off his sweatshirt then he pushed off his sweats while keeping his eyes on her. “There.” He said moving back onto his side then pulling her closer. “How’s that?”

“Oh.”

He was shocked by the look on her face. “What is it?”

Ayasha scooted over slightly so she could look down. “Uh, remember when you said you weren’t sure if that part of your body even worked?”

Gerard followed her gaze. “Son of a bitch.” He whispered seeing his erection.

Suddenly this was too much for Ayasha. She started to roll away but he caught her. “Sugar, it’s okay.” He said softly. “I’m just surprised, I mean I can’t even feel it.”

“I know and that’s what makes this wrong.” She again tried to roll away but he held her tightly.

“No, that makes it right.” He pulled her arm forcing her body over his. “Help me.” He whispered.

For a moment she didn’t move but looking into his eyes she saw what her head refused to believe, she saw love. Lifting herself up slightly she reached between their bodies to position him at her wet opening. Then looking into his eyes one more time she slid him inside her.

Gerard was watching her face, his own heart beating wildly. “That’s it.” He whispered running his hands over her sides as she began to move up and down on him.

Placing her arms on either side of him allowed her to arch her back and move over him more easily. Gerard placed his hands on her hips to help her. “Ride me.” He pleaded.

His words sent her whole body into overload. Within minutes she was at the breaking point. “Gerard.” She screamed as her muscles contracted, and the passion washed over her.

He was smiling but when he saw her face change he knew immediately something was wrong. “What is it?” He asked as she climbed off him. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, of course not.” She tried to reach for her panties now a ball of lace when he grabbed her arm.

“Sugar, talk to me. What just happened?”

Ayasha refused to look at him. “I screamed your name.” She whispered. “Just like you made her scream your name.”

It only took him a moment to realize what she was talking about. “Oh shit, Ayasha.”

Once again she’d just ruined something special and that knowledge made her pull away from him. She grabbed her panties, stepped into them then grabbed her sweats.

“You still don’t understand.” Gerard said so softly she almost didn’t hear him.

She pulled on her sweatshirt then turned to see him still nude sitting in front of the fire.

“Understand?” She slowly walked towards him.

When he looked up at her the sadness broke her heart, “You don’t get it. How you could even start to believe what just happened between us was anything like that.” Shaking his head to turned back to look into the flames. “Damn it, Ayasha.” His voice was low, “Don’t you get it? That was love. We just made love.”