Categories > Anime/Manga > Naruto
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, and the song "Missing" is copyright Evanescence.
Author's Note: I recently revised this to fix some of the more blatant mistakes and character iffies, as well as to better fit it to the intended purpose. I think a lot of people came upon it because they thought it was a lemon, which it was, to an extent. But my intent was never to write kinky gheisex for the fangirls (not that there's anything wrong with...moving on), it was to play with characterizations.
...hmph. It's mostly fail. Still don't like my transition from the tent to Jiraiya's dream and the transition between Jiraiya's challenge and Tsunade hauling them upstairs. Anyways, rating is for almost-explicit sex, drinking (underage...? What's the drinking age in the Naruto world, anyways?), and teenaged-Jiraiya's swearing. Please review honestly. I want critique; it's why I took it down for edits the first time.
Origins
Naruto's always pissed at me after training. I remember being the same with Sarutobi-sensei. Usually he calms down after a few bowls of instant ramen, but today seems to be different.
I sigh and rub my hand across my face. It's hard to ignore someone when you sleep in the same tent, but Naruto's pulling it off well. It's been three hours, and he hasn't said a word to me. I peer out the flap of the tent. He's staring at his hands. I peer a bit further out of the tent to see what he's holding. The setting sun glints off a piece of metal in his hands.
During the day's training, I landed a hard blow on him, harder than I intended. The kid's forehead protector tore clean off and hit a rock. It scratched badly. He and I both know it's impossible to fix. As I watch, he stands and hurls it away, then tumbles back onto the ground, sitting cross-legged and staring at his hands.
Shit. He's pissed.
Sighing, I retrieve my bottle of sake and a couple of cups from their hiding place between my pillow and knapsack. A peace offering should placate the hyperactive punk.
I step outside the tent and tap Naruto's shoulder with the bottle. "Yo. Naruto."
He doesn't look up at me. He doesn't even move.
I sit down next to him. "I've got booze."
No luck.
I sigh again. "Sorry. Calm down and get drunk with me."
He finally looks at me, but he's far from placated. Oh yes, I know that look. He's hurt.
Obviously, I've already had a few swigs. Uzumaki Naruto is not [i]hurt[/i]. Sulky girls are [i]hurt[/i].
"Not enough," he mumbles, looking at the forehead protector on the ground some feet away. "Stupid thing...I liked it. It was special."
I hold out the bottle. "Get drunk and tell me about it."
He glares, but takes a cup. I hide my grin, smelling triumph like I smell my impending hangover. I pour us both sake and we drink. Naruto takes it well; doesn't cough or anything. I am suspicious. He's been drinking before.
A few bottles later, I am disappointed. Far from lessening the tension, the sake's made Naruto gloomier.
"'Snot the firsh' time I been drunk," he mutters, taking another gulp. We've retired the cups and moved to drinking directly from the bottle. "Coupla times...tiiiiiimez...once with Sakura-chan," he burps, "a lil' bit ago." He leers. I am a bit disturbed and a bit proud. He looks like me. "An'...an' once with that tard Sasuke." He slumps over.
"I got drunk fer the first time with Orochimaru," I say. I have always been proud of my ability to speak clearly when wasted beyond belief.
But that particular incident hurts. No. No, hurting is for girls and sober Narutos.
"Eh. Bet 'e...hhhhe pa--pass--was done after two drinks," says Naruto blearily. "H's are h-h-h-hard." He laughs at himself.
I neglect to mention that Naruto is on the verge of passing out himself. "No. He can hold his sake. Was surprised."
Naruto nods, eyelids drooping. "That jerk too." He shakes the bottle at the air before downing a mouthful or four. "Bastard dared me. Said I couldn't take it. Could." He grins proudly. "He...he wuz just as tanked. Bastard spent the whole...whole time tryin' to show me up!" He stomps the ground. "Bastard." He falls silent, swallowing the last of the bottle and studying his toes.
I raise my eyebrows. It might just be the illegitimate child of my homosexuality and my voyeuristic tendencies speaking, but I am strongly suspicious of a drunken Naruto and Sasuke getting into an ego contest. Especially when I consider that the last time I saw him, Sasuke was in the running for the position of most closeted queer in Konoha. It's surprising no one noticed. No heterosexual pubescent boy could resist the temptation of every girl within a year of his age throwing themselves at him.
Orochimaru was a bit like that. Tsunade always had a sort of thing for him, and once she grew tits, I couldn't figure out how he didn't bang her the moment they had fifteen minutes alone. Ha. Fifteen minutes. More like five.
Time for more sake. I grab the next bottle, pop it open and gleefully pour half of it down my throat.
Naruto, if he's anything like me, is a perverted, closet bisexual, just like Sasuke is the world's biggest fairy. Heh. I called Orochimaru a fairy once. He hit me. He always was sort of into that shit.
Oh, look. Speaking of hitting, the ground hits hard, especially when Naruto's rock-hard skull is on top of it. My head bounces off of it and lands on his neck. Ow. Oh, necks are comfier. This works. My vision blurs. Hm. Sleep sounds pleasant.
Naruto mumbles something. It rumbles through the back of his neck and in my cheek, and lulls me to sleep.
~~*
Tsunade's watching Orochimaru over the top of the notebook she's scribbling in. Orochimaru's watching me through squinted eyes. I watch nothing in particular, gazing out the window and pretending to not care about either of them.
Orochimaru's staring at me. Why? What could possibly be the point of staring at me [i]that intently[/i]? Is it purely to piss me off? A small voice somewhere deep inside of me says this is petty. One of my hobbies is beating this voice until it cries.
Jerk. See if I pay him the honor of my attention.
How does he stay quite for so long? Tsunade's damn slug summon talks more. Usually I care less about what it says, but - wait, I usually don't care about what Orochimaru says either.
Still staring at me. Does he ever blink?
I'm unable to pinpoint exactly why his staring irritates me so. It's like he's waiting for a moment to strike or something.
It's taking all my energy not to turn this into a staring contest, or throw something at his face to make him blink. Why am I working at this? Why shouldn't I just leave if the jackass is staring at me?
I hop down off the window. "I'm out. There are a thousand things I'd like to do more than get ogled by that jerk with his creepy eyebrows." I waggle mine suggestively at Tsunade, who chucks her pencil at me. I dodge it.
Orochimaru raises his creepy, creepy eyebrows. "Ogling?" he says calmly.
I stick my tongue out at him. "As if you weren't doing it to piss me off, asshole."
He crosses his arms over his chest. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
I snort. "Well, I'm going to get drunk. I'd invite you ladies to join me, but I doubt you could keep up." This is a blatant lie. Tsunade can drink both of us under the table, but she lets the taunt go.
There we are! There's the competition in his eyes! "Everything is a contest with you."
"Yup! And I'm winning. Do I smell a challenger?"
Orochimaru sneers. "My time is better spent--"
"Wasting your time trying to beat me is a better use of your time than whatever you've got planned. Pussy."
His eyes narrow. He stands. I grin.
Tsunade rolls her eyes and goes back to her notebook while I drag Orochimaru down the stairs and to the bar, where I inform them that my comrade and I will be spending our night consuming their alcohol, and if they would please keep it coming we will feel no need to sleep with their wives.
The sake smudges a few hours. I play along, like any good waking dreamer.
Tsunade sighs. She's dragging us both up the stairs to our hotel room by the arms. It's undignified. I ignore it. "I should report this to Sarutobi-sensei."
"Please don't," I say amicably.
"...but I'll forget it only because I'm worse. I just have the taste not to do it while on a mission, and I can take my alcohol better than either of you louts." She snorts. "And they say men can hold it better. I'm going to make up something for the bitch of a hangover you two are going to have tomorrow. Go into your room and finish your size competition where I can't see it."
She shoves us into our room and slams the door behind us. Orochimaru lands on his ass on the bed. I don't fall over. The Great Jiraiya does not fall over. The Great Jiraiya [i]bends[/i] over, grabs his teammate's collar and jerks him to his feet.
"You're drunk," Orochimaru hisses.
I sway on my feet and attempt a smirk. It was probably more of a leer. "Drunker than you."
He sneers. "Prove it."
I kiss him. Hard. Enough to taste blood when he snakes his tongue into my mouth and tries to feel me up. I wedge my knee in between his legs and shove him onto the bed. No groping. The Great Jiraiya will not be groped.
And now it seems . Bad drunken sex, but I'm on top and I'm in control and God dammit, I'm [i]winning[/i].
Orochimaru scrapes his teeth along my collarbone. I grab a handful of his hair and jerk it back. He snarls, chokes a growl. Good. No sound. Not with Tsunade just on the other side of the paper-thin hotel wall, mixing up a medicine for the two men she loves more than almost anything else in the world, the two men giving in to a haze of aggression and rivalry and intoxication in the bed next door. She's singing something as she works. I almost want to stop and listen.
I rake my nails down his back. It's a very womanish thing for me to do. I'm rather proud of myself for lowering to that level. Orochimaru's breath catches, and he gasps. He's screaming. Almost. It's silent, but I see the strain in his throat and his face. I cover his mouth. He bites my hand, shuddering in anticipation.
I catch Orochimaru's scream in my palm. The Great Jiraiya does not scream. The Great Jiraiya quietly falls on top of his bitch when he's done. Orochimaru grunts and almost tries to shove me off, but I've decided I'll sleep right where I am, thankyouverymuch and good night.
As the black spots spread over my eyes, I hear Tsunade still singing, still pound, pound, pounding with her mortar and pestle.
~~*
I open my eyes, covered in a cold sweat. What I wouldn't give for one of Tsunade's hangover cures right now. I groan and roll off of Naruto and onto my bedroll, never at any point really awake.
Naruto cringes and whimpers in his sleep. I pretend not to hear a name, and close my eyes again.
Author's Note: I recently revised this to fix some of the more blatant mistakes and character iffies, as well as to better fit it to the intended purpose. I think a lot of people came upon it because they thought it was a lemon, which it was, to an extent. But my intent was never to write kinky gheisex for the fangirls (not that there's anything wrong with...moving on), it was to play with characterizations.
...hmph. It's mostly fail. Still don't like my transition from the tent to Jiraiya's dream and the transition between Jiraiya's challenge and Tsunade hauling them upstairs. Anyways, rating is for almost-explicit sex, drinking (underage...? What's the drinking age in the Naruto world, anyways?), and teenaged-Jiraiya's swearing. Please review honestly. I want critique; it's why I took it down for edits the first time.
Origins
Naruto's always pissed at me after training. I remember being the same with Sarutobi-sensei. Usually he calms down after a few bowls of instant ramen, but today seems to be different.
I sigh and rub my hand across my face. It's hard to ignore someone when you sleep in the same tent, but Naruto's pulling it off well. It's been three hours, and he hasn't said a word to me. I peer out the flap of the tent. He's staring at his hands. I peer a bit further out of the tent to see what he's holding. The setting sun glints off a piece of metal in his hands.
During the day's training, I landed a hard blow on him, harder than I intended. The kid's forehead protector tore clean off and hit a rock. It scratched badly. He and I both know it's impossible to fix. As I watch, he stands and hurls it away, then tumbles back onto the ground, sitting cross-legged and staring at his hands.
Shit. He's pissed.
Sighing, I retrieve my bottle of sake and a couple of cups from their hiding place between my pillow and knapsack. A peace offering should placate the hyperactive punk.
I step outside the tent and tap Naruto's shoulder with the bottle. "Yo. Naruto."
He doesn't look up at me. He doesn't even move.
I sit down next to him. "I've got booze."
No luck.
I sigh again. "Sorry. Calm down and get drunk with me."
He finally looks at me, but he's far from placated. Oh yes, I know that look. He's hurt.
Obviously, I've already had a few swigs. Uzumaki Naruto is not [i]hurt[/i]. Sulky girls are [i]hurt[/i].
"Not enough," he mumbles, looking at the forehead protector on the ground some feet away. "Stupid thing...I liked it. It was special."
I hold out the bottle. "Get drunk and tell me about it."
He glares, but takes a cup. I hide my grin, smelling triumph like I smell my impending hangover. I pour us both sake and we drink. Naruto takes it well; doesn't cough or anything. I am suspicious. He's been drinking before.
A few bottles later, I am disappointed. Far from lessening the tension, the sake's made Naruto gloomier.
"'Snot the firsh' time I been drunk," he mutters, taking another gulp. We've retired the cups and moved to drinking directly from the bottle. "Coupla times...tiiiiiimez...once with Sakura-chan," he burps, "a lil' bit ago." He leers. I am a bit disturbed and a bit proud. He looks like me. "An'...an' once with that tard Sasuke." He slumps over.
"I got drunk fer the first time with Orochimaru," I say. I have always been proud of my ability to speak clearly when wasted beyond belief.
But that particular incident hurts. No. No, hurting is for girls and sober Narutos.
"Eh. Bet 'e...hhhhe pa--pass--was done after two drinks," says Naruto blearily. "H's are h-h-h-hard." He laughs at himself.
I neglect to mention that Naruto is on the verge of passing out himself. "No. He can hold his sake. Was surprised."
Naruto nods, eyelids drooping. "That jerk too." He shakes the bottle at the air before downing a mouthful or four. "Bastard dared me. Said I couldn't take it. Could." He grins proudly. "He...he wuz just as tanked. Bastard spent the whole...whole time tryin' to show me up!" He stomps the ground. "Bastard." He falls silent, swallowing the last of the bottle and studying his toes.
I raise my eyebrows. It might just be the illegitimate child of my homosexuality and my voyeuristic tendencies speaking, but I am strongly suspicious of a drunken Naruto and Sasuke getting into an ego contest. Especially when I consider that the last time I saw him, Sasuke was in the running for the position of most closeted queer in Konoha. It's surprising no one noticed. No heterosexual pubescent boy could resist the temptation of every girl within a year of his age throwing themselves at him.
Orochimaru was a bit like that. Tsunade always had a sort of thing for him, and once she grew tits, I couldn't figure out how he didn't bang her the moment they had fifteen minutes alone. Ha. Fifteen minutes. More like five.
Time for more sake. I grab the next bottle, pop it open and gleefully pour half of it down my throat.
Naruto, if he's anything like me, is a perverted, closet bisexual, just like Sasuke is the world's biggest fairy. Heh. I called Orochimaru a fairy once. He hit me. He always was sort of into that shit.
Oh, look. Speaking of hitting, the ground hits hard, especially when Naruto's rock-hard skull is on top of it. My head bounces off of it and lands on his neck. Ow. Oh, necks are comfier. This works. My vision blurs. Hm. Sleep sounds pleasant.
Naruto mumbles something. It rumbles through the back of his neck and in my cheek, and lulls me to sleep.
~~*
Tsunade's watching Orochimaru over the top of the notebook she's scribbling in. Orochimaru's watching me through squinted eyes. I watch nothing in particular, gazing out the window and pretending to not care about either of them.
Orochimaru's staring at me. Why? What could possibly be the point of staring at me [i]that intently[/i]? Is it purely to piss me off? A small voice somewhere deep inside of me says this is petty. One of my hobbies is beating this voice until it cries.
Jerk. See if I pay him the honor of my attention.
How does he stay quite for so long? Tsunade's damn slug summon talks more. Usually I care less about what it says, but - wait, I usually don't care about what Orochimaru says either.
Still staring at me. Does he ever blink?
I'm unable to pinpoint exactly why his staring irritates me so. It's like he's waiting for a moment to strike or something.
It's taking all my energy not to turn this into a staring contest, or throw something at his face to make him blink. Why am I working at this? Why shouldn't I just leave if the jackass is staring at me?
I hop down off the window. "I'm out. There are a thousand things I'd like to do more than get ogled by that jerk with his creepy eyebrows." I waggle mine suggestively at Tsunade, who chucks her pencil at me. I dodge it.
Orochimaru raises his creepy, creepy eyebrows. "Ogling?" he says calmly.
I stick my tongue out at him. "As if you weren't doing it to piss me off, asshole."
He crosses his arms over his chest. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
I snort. "Well, I'm going to get drunk. I'd invite you ladies to join me, but I doubt you could keep up." This is a blatant lie. Tsunade can drink both of us under the table, but she lets the taunt go.
There we are! There's the competition in his eyes! "Everything is a contest with you."
"Yup! And I'm winning. Do I smell a challenger?"
Orochimaru sneers. "My time is better spent--"
"Wasting your time trying to beat me is a better use of your time than whatever you've got planned. Pussy."
His eyes narrow. He stands. I grin.
Tsunade rolls her eyes and goes back to her notebook while I drag Orochimaru down the stairs and to the bar, where I inform them that my comrade and I will be spending our night consuming their alcohol, and if they would please keep it coming we will feel no need to sleep with their wives.
The sake smudges a few hours. I play along, like any good waking dreamer.
Tsunade sighs. She's dragging us both up the stairs to our hotel room by the arms. It's undignified. I ignore it. "I should report this to Sarutobi-sensei."
"Please don't," I say amicably.
"...but I'll forget it only because I'm worse. I just have the taste not to do it while on a mission, and I can take my alcohol better than either of you louts." She snorts. "And they say men can hold it better. I'm going to make up something for the bitch of a hangover you two are going to have tomorrow. Go into your room and finish your size competition where I can't see it."
She shoves us into our room and slams the door behind us. Orochimaru lands on his ass on the bed. I don't fall over. The Great Jiraiya does not fall over. The Great Jiraiya [i]bends[/i] over, grabs his teammate's collar and jerks him to his feet.
"You're drunk," Orochimaru hisses.
I sway on my feet and attempt a smirk. It was probably more of a leer. "Drunker than you."
He sneers. "Prove it."
I kiss him. Hard. Enough to taste blood when he snakes his tongue into my mouth and tries to feel me up. I wedge my knee in between his legs and shove him onto the bed. No groping. The Great Jiraiya will not be groped.
And now it seems . Bad drunken sex, but I'm on top and I'm in control and God dammit, I'm [i]winning[/i].
Orochimaru scrapes his teeth along my collarbone. I grab a handful of his hair and jerk it back. He snarls, chokes a growl. Good. No sound. Not with Tsunade just on the other side of the paper-thin hotel wall, mixing up a medicine for the two men she loves more than almost anything else in the world, the two men giving in to a haze of aggression and rivalry and intoxication in the bed next door. She's singing something as she works. I almost want to stop and listen.
I rake my nails down his back. It's a very womanish thing for me to do. I'm rather proud of myself for lowering to that level. Orochimaru's breath catches, and he gasps. He's screaming. Almost. It's silent, but I see the strain in his throat and his face. I cover his mouth. He bites my hand, shuddering in anticipation.
I catch Orochimaru's scream in my palm. The Great Jiraiya does not scream. The Great Jiraiya quietly falls on top of his bitch when he's done. Orochimaru grunts and almost tries to shove me off, but I've decided I'll sleep right where I am, thankyouverymuch and good night.
As the black spots spread over my eyes, I hear Tsunade still singing, still pound, pound, pounding with her mortar and pestle.
~~*
I open my eyes, covered in a cold sweat. What I wouldn't give for one of Tsunade's hangover cures right now. I groan and roll off of Naruto and onto my bedroll, never at any point really awake.
Naruto cringes and whimpers in his sleep. I pretend not to hear a name, and close my eyes again.
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