FicWad

I think I’m getting better.
And by getting better I mean not crying when I see Dallon kissing Brendon and not masturbating in the shower after Brendon has left.
I don’t see Brendon and Dallon much anymore – Jon and Spencer have both agreed that yes, Dallon is a pile of shit. So at least I’m not raving on my own out here.
I’ve tried to be leniant as possible with Brendon, but it’s hard. I want to hate him, really bad. He’s screwed with me, whether he was aware of it or not, and it has literally ripped my heart into shreds, but I can’t bring myself to hate him, or even get close to it.
But I don’t have to see him anymore which makes things a little easier.

I clambered out of bed, pulling on one of my old shirts and some old skinny jeans. I fancied a little walk out today, just me.
I walked along by the river, quite slowly, gazing at the river and my feet, thinking of song lyrics in my head. I actually felt quite contented in the tranquil surroundings; no one to hurt me, no one to make me cry, no one to make me sick.
I continued to walk, gazing at my feet, humming softly under my breath, when suddenly my body hit another body and I tripped. I tripped and slipped, rolling down the short bank and crashing into the freezing cold water.
I did not feel tranquil now.
I thrashed and moved around in the cold water, stupidly, when I could have probably just gotten to the edge and hauled myself out. But I was under the water and I was panicking and I /really hated water/.
And then I thought, would it be so bad if I just shut my eyes and let myself fall?
I mean, maybe Brendon would realise how bad he felt and come back to me..
No, Brendon wasn’t worth my death.

And then hands were on me and hooking me out of the water.
I lied in the dirt beside the bank, coughing up water with my eyes squeezed shut, mainly out of embarrassment.
“Hey, are you alright?” A voice chimed, fingers pushing against my neck and cheek. I blinked and opened my eyes, still coughing.
Oh /god/.
He was tall, with a sleek, sharp nose – cheekbones that could slice skin, dark hazel eyes and pushed back, blonde hair. His skin was fair and soft against my cheek.
“I’m okay,” I nodded, though still coughing violently. “H-honest.”
He smiled from the corner of his mouth and wrinkled his nose.
“I don’t believe you.” He said, softly, taking my hands and helping me to my feet. “Come on. Do you want me to take you home? Or I have some clothes you could borrow. You’ll catch a cold out here.” His voice was gentle and smooth, and I loved it.
“Uh- yeah, um okay.” I nodded, wobbling on my feet. He laughed.
“Need a hand?” He grinned. I looked around me lost, a little bedraggled by this handsome stranger. He chuckled again and picked me up, hoisting me over his shoulder. “Oh wow, you’re light.” He commented, beginning to walk.
All I could reply with was an uncomprehendable mumble.
“So, got a name?” He asked, bouncing as he walked.
“Um, Ryan,” I murmured, shutting my eyes so I wasn’t gazing directly at his surprisingly nice bottom.
“I’m Dan. Dan Keyes.” He hummed. “So, can I ask, what do you do?” He asked, curiously.
After explaining to him, we talked a little further, all the way back to his house.
He sings in a band and he’d seen me hanging around the studios, talking to Pete. Turns out they’re pretty good friends – and he’d seen me before. And thought I looked /cute/.
This man was positively one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever met, though of course, coming second, still a long way from first, unfortunately.
He let me get changed in his house and we sat around, drinking coffee and discussing music, and we listened to his band’s EP, which was awesome and I realised how talented he was.
He definitely liked to joke about me falling in the river, but I had to point out that technically, that was his fault. So I wasn’t looking where I was going, but.. Still, his fault.
And he found this hysterical and his laugh was perfectly musical. Almost reminded me of..
No.

“So, um, call me?” Dan called, as I stepped from his house in my now dried clothes. I turned and grinned at him from down the street.
“I’ll think about it,” I offered him a wide beam and turned back on my heel, squealing with excitement inwardly.
A date. I had a date. I could finally get a boyfriend, maybe someone that would love me as much as I love Brendon..
Would that get in the way?

A week later I arrived at a restaurant, looking smart in a white shirt and a brown waist coat, and black trousers. I left my hair curly.
I was waiting for around ten minutes and at first, I actually got a little frightened that he had stood me up – that he didn’t really like me, that it was a joke – how everyone seems to act. But then a handsome and smiling face came around the corner and I beamed. He came up to me and pushed a kiss to my cheek, taking my hand and leading me to a table, where we sat, and ate.
It only occurred to me where we were as I looked around me. The deep plush carpet, pretentious waiters, modern art on the walls – the scene of my crimes. I hated to rethink it in my head. My ears ringing and my stomach violently turning inside out, tears dripping from my eyes rapidly and the entire restaurant staring at me.
I think about how much it hurt because Brendon didn’t even seem to care when I was retching on the floor. Of course after he definitely did care, screaming at Dallon for me.. But he’s still with him, isn’t he?
“You okay?” Dan asked, softly. I blinked and snapped out of my daze. Had I been ignoring him? Fuck.
I nodded, gently. “Yeah. I um..”
“You look a little uncomfortable.”
I stared back at him and tried to make myself laugh.
“Y-yeah, um, I had a bit of an embarrassing experience here,” I smiled, trying to fain some sexy blunder with a handsome stranger in the bathrooms rather than me upchucking my stomach in the middle of the room.
Dan leant in with excitement. “What did you do?” He grinned.
I shrugged a shoulder. “Let’s say.. People didn’t look at me the same way again.” I hummed, trying my best to sound maybe a little seductive, rather than sharing my embarrassing story.
Dan’s face lit up as he arched an eyebrow. “Wow.” He smiled, with wide eyes. “Sounds interesting.” He licked across his bottom lip and my eyes went into a little bit of a trance, watching.
Dan saw me gazing at his lips and laughed, clicking in my face and attracting my attention. “Save that for later.” He grinned, taking a sip of his drink and a bite of his food. I laughed nervously and dropped my gaze, rubbing the nape of my neck.

The next thing I know his tongue is pushing down my throat.
We’re back at his house at this point, my back pressed up against the wall, his hands on my shoulders and his lips pressed up against my own. We kissed for what felt like hours before he pulled off, picking me up and taking me over to his bedroom, my legs wrapped around his waist. He dropped me down on the bed, unbuttoning my shirt whilst I did the same to him.
Was I doing this?
I certainly liked Dan. He was hot and he liked me- maybe sleeping with another guy might take my mind off /him/. He kissed me a little harder, our bare chests pressing together, his hands dipping into my waist band and hips hips teasing my own.
“Do you want to do this?” Dan whispered, huskily into my ear as I slipped off my own jeans. I nodded desperately and put a hand over the nape of his neck, pulling me down to my level and kissing him again.
His breath was hot and thick against my neck and that night served as one of the greatest nights of my life.
Minus a small hinderance.

I laid back on his sheets, tugging them over my cold body. I couldn’t tell whether I felt disgusting or empowered.
Dan rolled over beside me, sighing softly. I had my back to him – I couldn’t face him after what I had done. It just slipped out. It just - /slipped out/.
“Ryan,” He whispered, gently, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Ryan, please.” I was so ashamed and so very embarrassed, but I owed him an explanation of course. I rolled over slowly, with closed eyes, too humiliated to look at him.
“Ryan, I’m not mad.” Dan whispered. “I’m not mad at you, not one bit, please, just..” I opened my eyes and and gazed at the sheets through half hooded eyes.
I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out.
“Who’s Brendon?” Dan sighed, gently, putting a hand on my cheek. I frowned and ducked my head. “I’m not mad, but who is he?”
I had to give him an answer. But what was I supposed to say?
Yes, Brendon is the guy I’ve been in love with for probably more than two years and definitely someone who I would have liked to bang since I met him, but I can’t and I’m completely hung up on him because he has a boyfriend who he thinks is perfect and treats me like shit. Brendon is the guy who’s name I called when you were physically inside of me and made my face burn scarlet, and Brendon is the name that made you finish with embarrassment and move away from me in silence.
“He’s.. This.. Guy..” I finally responded, ashamedly.
“Is he your boyfriend?” Dan whispered. His lack of upset almost frightened me, because he was so caring, his thumb touching my cheek.
I shook my head gently. “No.” I replied, hollowly. “He’s..” I sighed. I would just have to explain everything, wouldn’t I?
“He’s this guy, who’s also kinda my best friend.. A-and, I’ve been friends with him for ages, and sort of – I’m.. In love with him.” I mumbled, gently. “I’m a horrible person.” I sniffled, ducking my head in embarrassment. His hand stayed on my cheek and squeezed.
“No you’re not,” Dan sighed, gently. He pulled the covers over us both and scooted close to me. “I guess you thought I could get you over him, didn’t you?” He murmured, pushing a kiss to my forehead. “ I’m honestly, not mad with you, Ryan.”
I curled against him, shutting my eyes. “I don’t want to love him, I don’t.” I sniffed, squeezing the moisture from my eyes. “He has a boyfriend.. And his boyfriend hates me for no reason.. I want someone to love me.”
Dan exhaled and wrapped a hand around my shoulder. “But you don’t want someone to love you, you want him to love you. I just wish I could help, sweetheart.”
I almost cried at how true his words were.
“I won’t kick you out, because it’s cold, and I’m your friend,” Dan paused, pulling me close. “But I don’t think I can go out with someone knowing that they love someone else.” He kissed my temple and closed his eyes, and I curled up against him, ashamed.
But I guess I couldn’t be fixed now.