FicWad

I did not like hospitals.
I had good reason to not like hospitals.
After spending my entire childhood there either bruised and battered or sitting by my father’s bedside whilst they pumped alcohol out of his system, I think I had a pretty good reason for not liking hospitals.
I especially disliked hospitals when I was there alone.
And now, I was there, all alone, as the hands touched me and fixed wires to me. This was just making the panic worse and I was trying to kick them off me, trying and wriggling my body about, sobbing.
They resorted to a tranquilliser, and I think – that did the trick.

When I awoke I was being blinded by white lights. But I wasn’t moving anymore, and everyone was gone – as far as I could see. As long as there were no doctors in sight, it was okay.
I don’t like doctors.
Don’t get me wrong – not all Doctors are bad. It just so happens that all the ones I have personally come into contact with are mean, cheating liars who tell you that your daddy will be coming tomorrow. So you wait up all night for him, but the mean man at the hospital lied to you, didn’t he George? Looks like it’s toast for one tonight, George.

I blinked and squinted as I sat back, trying to focus and make sure that my vision was back to normal. Once I felt it was subsequent to my needs, I propped myself up, and I was met with two concerned faces.
“Thank god,” Jon sighed, sitting to one side of me with Spencer. “Thought you were never gonna wake up.”
I narrowed my gaze at him, tilting my head. I can’t have been out for that long. I gazed around me.
“Brendon isn’t here,” Spencer said, gently. “He’s gone, I’m sorry.”
Of course Brendon is gone. He does something nice for me and then he’s gone. He kisses me and then he marries another man. He promises me we’ll stay friends and then he leaves me alone.
Yet I still love him more than I love myself.
“I guessed,” I spoke back, hollowly. “He went on his honeymoon, then..”
Spencer looked at his watch. “Should be boarding a plane in a few hours, I believe.”
I shut my eyes and sat back, breathing out deeply. The guy couldn’t even spare a measly visit for me in hospital? Why did I like this guy?
Because I loved this guy.
“You’re allowed to go home in a few hours, they don’t need you in over night.” Jon put a hand over mine. “Now what were you panicking about?” He breathed, softly to not frighten me.
I crossed my arms and sniffed down at them.
“Everyone was looking at me.. I.. And I was already upset and paranoid that I was going to let something slip and Brendon just gave me this little smile and – and I just lost it,” I frowned, ashamedly. “I didn’t know it would get that bad..”
“Well it did,” Jon snapped. “I know you love Brendon but this has to stop, Ryan, you’re tearing yourself apart. He’s not worth it. He’s married now. You can’t chase after him, not now, not ever.”
I dipped my head and felt tears welling up in my eyes.
Because Jon was right – Jon was entirely right. But it wasn’t that easy. It was hard for me – especially when Brendon insisted on coming back and encouraging me before running off again. And I hated that, but I loved him.
“Jon,” Spencer snapped, softly under his breath, squeezing Jon’s hand. Jon sighed and ran his thumb over the back of my hand.
“I’m sorry Ryan, but it’s true, you know that.” He sighed, gently. I nodded with a sniff and shook his hand off me, turning over with my backs to them. They took the hint, and stood up, saying idle goodbyes before exiting.
Then I was alone again.

These sheets were odd to me. They smelt like sterilisation and my childhood. I wanted to be home – in that little dip in the mattress where Brendon used to lie, surrounded by his old jumpers that he left, curled up in that sweet scent.
I didn’t mind crying there. At least I knew I was safe.
How could I know I was safe here? I didn’t know a single person. I was naked, vunerable, alone – everyone had left. I thought I wanted to be alone, but all I wanted was – well, to be wanted.
But no one did want me. I was living on my own – not a single family member left on this earth – not a single person wanting to be with me, my only friends rightfully caught up in their own lives.. It just feels like – why bother?
There’s still that little crazy part of my head. Rocking back and forth in the corner, whispering that it could still happen. That those lips could be claimed mine and those fingers could trail up my skin, and slip a ring onto my hand.
But it’ll never happen, will it?
“Ry? You awake?” A soft, upset voice whispered. I snapped out of my daze, and focused my gaze to the door. I nodded. Brendon moved forward quickly into the chair beside me, taking my hands. “Are you okay? You don’t look okay,” He whispered, holding my chin. I sniffed and nodded, smiling weakly.
I opened my mouth to say something but nothing ever came out.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get here any faster,” Brendon sighed, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand. He almost looked like he had been crying – puffy red eyes, chewed lips.
“It’s okay. I’m doing fine.” I replied, my voice a whisper. “I’m fine.”
He shook his head softly with a feeble, fond smile.
“You’re always fine, aren’t you?” Brendon sighed, letting go of my cheek. “Dallon didn’t really want me to come out,” He laughed, gently. “We’re supposed to be getting a plane right now..”
Had Brendon not gone on his Honeymoon to check that I was okay?
For me?
“That was silly of you,” I replied, gazing up at him. “Didn’t need to do that for me. “
Brendon blushed and his face lit up. “If I hadn’t I just would’ve spent my whole honeymoon worrying. And that isn’t fun.”
Sometimes Brendon led me to wonder that maybe – maybe he did like me back. Under that pretty face, deep within, there was something with my name on it. And – maybe he’d just ignore it.
But maybe he wouldn’t.
“Well, you don’t need to worry.. Because I’m fine,” I nodded, opening my arms a little. He hugged me and I buried my nose into his shoulder. Because I wasn’t fine. Not one bit.
Brendon sighed happily and pulled away. “I guess I’d better be off then.” He mumbled, standing up. “Otherwise uh, Dallon won’t be impressed.”
I dropped my gaze and shut my eyes.
“I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.” I replied, not looking up. Brendon was still stood there however- he hadn’t moved. And a minute later, he was still stood there.
And then he was kissing me again.

This wasn’t /fair/.
It was only a little kiss, and he apologized straight after – but that was definitely no accident. His hand was cupping my cheek and the nape of my neck, and his lips were soft, working up against mine – and then with scarlet cheeks and an apology on his tongue he left.
I nearly burst into tears, with Brendon’s taste in my mouth. I wanted him – why did he keep teasing me? Was he trying to tell me something or could he not just hold it in? Did he kiss anyone he was with?
Later Spencer and Jon dropped me off at my house, asking me if I needed anything. Yes, I needed two things – only one could I have.
I waited till they had gone before scrambling over to the phone.
“Dan?”
“Ryan – what is it? Are you okay?”
“One more night.”
“Ryan – no, I have a girlfriend now.”
“She’s out of town, please Dan, I need this.”
Dan sighed heavily down the phone.
“You swear this is the last time, Ryan?”
“Last time, I swear, just – please,” I sniffed. “Please.”
There were a few moments of silence before Dan finally replied.
“I’ll be over in a bit.”