Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Story Reviews
Okay so this first chapter is for MillaE. I'm going to try and organise these reviews by using the layout of this first one as a sort of template for any others I do.
First off a quick summery: Gerard wakes up and gets dressed, Mikey comes in and they banter, Gerard texts Frank and Mikey acts a little weird and embarrassed Gerard notices but decides to ignore it, they all arrange to go out. I presume they're all teenagers as their mother's mentioned.
Things I liked:I like the fact that you seem to have written a Frikey told from Gerard's point of view, it's interesting and I haven't seen that technique used on this site before.
Things to improve on: I would say the biggest issue is the lack of paragraphs in your work, this whole first chapter is in one block and it makes it very hard to read. Another thing I would say is the lack of speech marks bugged me but I don't want to talk too much about grammar so I'll get on to the actual storyline/ character bit. Gerard notices that Mikey is acting weird then immediately denies that thought, that's not the way the human brain works. Your summery needs to be redone if you want to gain readers. The only other thing I would say is watch yourself when writing in first person, loads of people try and do it on this site but very few people get it right, it's very difficult, actually.
How to do this:A new idea or subject= equals new paragraph and a new speaker = a new paragraph. State the actions that Mikey does that Gerard thinks are weird however don't actually say that they're weird, if the author is supposed to work out a theme before a character, let them! For your summery, you could state the characteristic of one character or a little bit of the plot line, don't use your summery as an author's note. And then when using first person think about the way you think, you don't use poetic terms in your head during day to day like, state actions and emotions but be careful that you're being realistic. Also try and use shorter sentences and don't get into the habit of trailing off with ...s or using too many rhetorical questions.
Also check out RoseFrankie's guide there's a lot of stuff on there that might help you. Hope this helped you a little.
First off a quick summery: Gerard wakes up and gets dressed, Mikey comes in and they banter, Gerard texts Frank and Mikey acts a little weird and embarrassed Gerard notices but decides to ignore it, they all arrange to go out. I presume they're all teenagers as their mother's mentioned.
Things I liked:I like the fact that you seem to have written a Frikey told from Gerard's point of view, it's interesting and I haven't seen that technique used on this site before.
Things to improve on: I would say the biggest issue is the lack of paragraphs in your work, this whole first chapter is in one block and it makes it very hard to read. Another thing I would say is the lack of speech marks bugged me but I don't want to talk too much about grammar so I'll get on to the actual storyline/ character bit. Gerard notices that Mikey is acting weird then immediately denies that thought, that's not the way the human brain works. Your summery needs to be redone if you want to gain readers. The only other thing I would say is watch yourself when writing in first person, loads of people try and do it on this site but very few people get it right, it's very difficult, actually.
How to do this:A new idea or subject= equals new paragraph and a new speaker = a new paragraph. State the actions that Mikey does that Gerard thinks are weird however don't actually say that they're weird, if the author is supposed to work out a theme before a character, let them! For your summery, you could state the characteristic of one character or a little bit of the plot line, don't use your summery as an author's note. And then when using first person think about the way you think, you don't use poetic terms in your head during day to day like, state actions and emotions but be careful that you're being realistic. Also try and use shorter sentences and don't get into the habit of trailing off with ...s or using too many rhetorical questions.
Also check out RoseFrankie's guide there's a lot of stuff on there that might help you. Hope this helped you a little.
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