FicWad

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-You disgust me. You sicken me.-
-I think that you should just die.-
-I just want him. I just want him so badly.-
-This is the last song ever written.-
-ALSDFKASDFLAHS!-

Oh God. I’m back, back again, Youtube’s back, tell a friend, na na na.
“DAAAD!” I shout. I’m not willing to get out of bed. I want to go back to Prospit, far from this fucking hellhole where there was no voices that hurt me or boys that confuse me.
“DAH-AAAHD!” I roll over.
My handheld pings, and I scrabble for it through my patchwork quilt.

[Fanfiction.net (FFN) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

FFN: Hey! I know you’ve been quiet since the game started, but I’ve got news!
FFN: I’ve met my Patron Player, and he’s super cool!
FFN: I really like him. He’s just...he’s so unique! And he’s helping me hedge my way through my planet, which is nice because my sister ditched me and Naraangsprite is a pain in the bum.
YTB: so u really like him?
FFN: Yeah! He’s so interesting, and although he keeps teasing me about stuff, I think he’s super nice, and funny, and he’s just so beyond words, y’know?
YTB: OHHHH
YTB: ;D
FFN: I don’t follow.
YTB: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_bEWXs_FX4
FFN: I love this song!
FFN: Wait.
FFN: Wait. A minute.
YTB: think it thru....
FFN: I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM! OH MY GOD! I’M NOT GAY!
YTB: u keep on denying who u r and whut ur feeling bby im not buying can’t u see
YTB: THAT U’VE
YTB: GOT
YTB: GOT
YTB: GOT IT BAAAD!
FFN: NOOOOOO! I’m not in love!
YTB: Yes u r! U want to do bad thngs wit him!
FFN: Eww. No. Although, come to mention it, he does talk about it a lot.
YTB: SEEE! Lissen to Utube, bby. i got ur best interests in mind.
YTB: nail him
FFN: I’m not in love. God. I can’t believe how much you’re reading into this.
YTB: either ur tryin to mak me helaous
YTB: or ur in love and terrificed to admit it
YTB: dont be porud it’s okay ur in love.
FFN: I’m not talking to you anymore.

I giggle, rolling over. A boyfriend! Fanfiction’s got himself a boyfriend! What a cutie.
Why hasn’t my dad shown up to yell at me? I get that he’s hands-off, or more likely hands-never, but I have a feeling he’d like to know why he’s gotten the fuck out of Dodge for no reason.
But first, I have to share the good news.

[Youtube (YTB) messaged Ficwad (FW)!]

YTB: hay gurl
FW: hey girl hey!
YTB: look i god some PRIME gossip, k?
FW: SPILL.
YTB: its about ur cuz tho it that ok?
FW: FFN? DOUBLE SPILL!
YTB: he mau or may not have a boyfreind.
FW: WHAT
FW: NO
FW: HES GAY?!?!?!
YTB: dont kno about gay but hes totally crushing on his patron palya
YTB: so maybe hes bi or polysexual or something

I haven’t gotten a single message from Pottermore. Whatevs. He’s probably off adventuring and exploring his new planet. “DAAAA-AAAA-AAAAHHHHD!”
I need some chill tunes. Anything to get me out of here and shut up my head.
“Well you only miss the light when it’s burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go...”

I trail off, finally getting out of bed to poke around my house.
I crack open my bedroom door, and I catch movement in the hallway. Dad?
It’s not my dad. It’s a bunch of monsters complete with cat ears and claws. Fuck.
“Yo! Catsbysprite! What’s going on?” I shout. I hear an exasperated sigh from the kitchen. “Don’t scream like that, dear, it’s not ladylike.”
“Oh. Sorry. But seriously?”
“Monsters, dear, I’ve eaten three already. Seems the Medium is teeming with them.”

Hmm. They all stare at me in fear. I miss Prospit. The aliens there never looked at me like this. They liked my skin and my eyes and my scars worried them.

My handheld buzzes with incoming messages.

[?? ????? ???????????????? (MSPAF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

MSPF: hi there! :B
YTB: fuck off
MSPF: Well I Never
MSPF: Can You Not See Im Here To Help You
YTB: what the hell dude u sound lik my dad
MSPF: YOU’RE SERIOUSLY STARTING TO AGGRAVATE ME, FUCKASS!
YTB: meth head
MSPF: Le siiiiiiiign
MSPF: i think we got off to the wrong start.
YTB: no really?
MSPF: I am MS Paint Adventure Forum!
YTB: holy shit
YTB: what a mouthful
MSPF: yeah i had pretentious parents.

MSPF: D--> But I am here to make your gameplay as STRONG as pawsible!
YTB: what the fuck is up with ur typing style?
MSPF: ...Did you...not read the comic?
YTB: no but ive seen vids and stuff
MSPF: FUUUUUUUUUCK. WHY DOES NOBODY READ THE COMIC....
YTB: its boring thats why
MSPF: Oh shoosh. You sound like Tumblr.
MSPF: If y0u read the c0mic, y0u’d get all these excellent references.
YTB: the damn thing’s eight gabillion pages hell naw

MSPF: okay we can either argue in circles or we can actually get shit done.
YTB: latter plz
MSPF: aight. First off, why are you not killing anything?
YTB: dunno. mostly cuz the arent atacking me. why should i kill em 4 no reason?
MSPAF: Why aren’t they attacking you? What’s your class and title?
YTB: wtf
MSPF: UUUUUUgh. the things i do. for yoU people.
MSPF: Okay. So I’m the Heir of Time.
MSPF: Which means that I’m protected by time and can use it to protect others.
YTB: does erreryong get a thing lik dat
MSPF: YES!

YTB: so wats mine??????
MSPF: I don’t know yet, but I do know one of your teammates titles!
MSPF: The youngest in your squadron, Ficwad? Sylph of Doom.
MSPF: She can heal others from doom. Eventually. It’s not like titles come free!
YTB: expalin everything now.

MSPF: Okay. So this is how it works. Everyone gets a title, but not everyone gets to use their powers that come with the title. Sure, some aspects might come up but they won’t stay forever.
YTB: not even urs?
MSPF: Nope. I’m able to jump back and forth in my timeline, but only up to a certain point. After that, everything blacks out.
MSPF: I try to stop things that’ll end my timeline from happening. I can’t get caught by enemies, and I get to protect people.
MSPF: All alternate timeline clones die though. I’ve had to bury my own body a few times.

YTB: so how do u get it 2 stick for good
MSPF: Well, there’s the kissing rule, which means that if you die, and somebody kisses you, your dream self can leave their planet and you live as your dream self.
YTB: WTF actually
MSPF: Yes. Completely Canon.
MSPF: buuuuuuuut then there’s God Tier. God Tier is when you die in the right spot in the right time and you come back to life with powers and shit.
MSPF: That’s abridged, by the way.
MSPF: But don’t worry! I’m here to help you! And make sure you don’t die!

YTB: yeah thankz but no thankx catsbysprite gives me all the help i need.
MSPF: make a hazmat suit.
YTB: wut
MSPF: HAZMAT SUIT. TRuST ME.
YTB: Y?
MSPF: JuSt mAkE OnE
MSPF: tRuSt mE! :o)

What a complete and total freakshow.

-Where’s your soul?-
-Where’s your dad?-
-Where is my mind?-
-Ted Anyone?-

“Shut up!” I snap, making all the monsters skitter into the next room. “Oh, Youtube! Dear me! Are you quite pawlright?” Catsbysprite flutters to my side, wrapping her arm around me. I nod. “I’ll be okay. It just sucks right now,” I murmur.
“Oh, you poor thing. I’ll take care of the meownsters. You just work on getting us out of here,” Catsbysprite purrs, floating gracefully after the monsters.

I look up from a window to the Gate above my house. Fuck, it’s not that far.
I tie a clothesline to a rock, and toss it through. Not bad. It reaches all the way there.
But...god, the internet Homestuck freak was serious about the Hazmat suit thing.

[Youtube (YTB) messaged Ficwad (FW)!]

YTB: yo i need a thing
FW: my cousins mad at me :(
YTB: i need a desing for fullbody armor got slt?
FW: yeah actually i do

Sick! She sends a copy of her body armor straight to my sylladex, and a quick alchemizationfuckwhasit turns it into a hazmat suit. It fits, but it sort of feels like I’m drowning. My breath fogs up the visor and I can hear my own heartbeat. The climb up the line goes smoothly, though, and I’m into my own land relatively smoothly.

Everything is covered in a thick green smog, and the wind whistles over the desolate landscape. It’s sort of pretty in a fucked up sort of way.

[MS Paint Adventure Forum (MSPF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

MSPF: I warned you about the gas, bro.
MSPF: I told you, dog.
YTB: wut the fuck is all this
MSPF: Chlorine gas! Listen, your new planet has pretty much no breathable oxygen. It’s all underground in caves. You can take your helmet off down there, but NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER NEVER REMOVE IT ON THE SURFACE!
YTB: y?
MSPF: the chl0rine gas will burn y0ur lungs until they pop.
MSPF: y0u will die by coughing 0ut and up y0ur lungs and eyes.
YTB: eurgh thanx for that prick.
MSPF: FREE LUNG FOAM FOR EVERYONE, FUCKER.

I take a break from lung foam and look around. A flurry of moths shoots out of the ground, flying through the chlorine like it’s no big deal. The wind keeps whistling through dead trees. There’s a sign nailed to one of the nearby trees, proclaiming the name of my new planet.

Land of Song and Pestilence.