Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Forever Yours

18- Alive

by foreverfalling 3 reviews

Madeline barely knows Brendon in death, will she ever learn what he was like in life?

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: G - Genres: Drama,Romance - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2013-03-27 - 2060 words

“You turned Ryan.” It was a statement, not a question.

Still, it was treated as a question, and thankfully Brendon answered. “Yes, I did.”

“Do you think he ever hated you for it?” The idea of the afterlife being an acquired taste just didn’t sit right with me, and I didn’t like Brendon having the idea that everything would go that way just because Ryan seemed to hold no grudge.

“He hated me then; he may still now.” Brendon answered, quite calmly.

“And that doesn’t bother you?”

“No.” Brendon responded.

I felt cold all over, which I’d been used to before… but not now. Things had changed, or so I’d thought.

“I don’t believe that Brendon.” I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t believe that he didn’t care at all.

“It’s the truth.” Brendon informed me. “And someday I’ll change Jon, and I’ll change Spencer.” He paused, hesitating. “And you.”

His hesitation was all I needed. “No, you won’t.” I shook my head. “Not when you know how I feel about it. You wouldn’t do that to me.”

“How can you be so sure?” Brendon asked.

“Because you may not have cared when you turned Ryan in to a vampire but I believe that people change, and you-”

“I’m not a person.” Brendon aggressively cut in. “Some people in this world don’t even believe that I possess a soul.”

“Do you believe that?” I thought of Ryan’s story, about his brother. The fear that sparked unnecessary and cruel action… and death. I thought of how I’d reacted in the past, and how little it took for me to think badly of others. I no longer jumped to conclusions. Everything was different now. Brendon made me a different person, and I couldn’t for one second believe that someone without a soul could inspire such positive change.

“Does it matter what I believe?” Brendon asked.

He was intentionally giving me the run around, refusing to outright answer any of my questions. It was starting to aggravate me. “You do believe that.” The words came out in a sad tone, as the truth became known. “You don’t think that you have a soul.”

“I died Madeline.” Brendon’s tone was cold. “I died a long time ago, and what inhabited my body after that… it was something animalistic, and cruel. I didn’t just want blood; I wanted to kill for it. I wanted to hunt my prey, to watch them die… to play with them. I wanted to feel their pain before ending it.”

“You talk in the past tense.” I whispered, weighing each of his words before reaching my conclusion. “You talk as if you aren’t like that anymore… and I- I don’t think you are Brendon. I don’t think you’re an animal anymore, not like that… not like you were.”

“I kill people for fun Madeline.” Brendon stared at me with a shocking intensity, as he attempted to make his words sink in even deeper.

“I’ve done the same.” I whispered, as I allowed myself to revisit things I’d thought locked in my past.

“You murdered for money. That would be a loose translation in to fun.” Brendon informed me.

“When I was 16 years old I got my first taste of blood.” I paused, thinking over my wording. It didn’t quite work when talking to a vampire. “And by that I mean, at 16 I made my first kill.”

“For hire?” Brendon asked, surprised.

“She was pretty, and nice.” I stared past him, as I let myself remember things I’d promised myself I’d forget. “And I was confused, and young, and angry.”

“She was 18 years old, and a whore.” I spit the word out hatefully, almost instantly regretting it. “In my world she was a whore. From my point of view she was a whore… when I saw her legs spread and my father- when I saw him with her, I just felt so angry. I thought of my mother, and all she’d already been through for him. I didn’t understand. I still don’t.” I felt more choked up now than I had then. Brendon’s curse was doing it’s job, and I could feel how I was supposed to feel… and it wasn’t pleasant.

“The point, Brendon, is that you’re not the only one with a murky past.” I shook my head, still unable to look at him. “You aren’t the only one with blood on your hands.”

Brendon’s eyes held concern. “Do you regret killing her?”

“It was my introduction in to the business.” I replied, not answering his question directly. “So, by extension… are you asking me if I regret my entire life?”

“Yes.” Brendon answered.

“Depends on the day.” I informed him. “I still hate her, but I think that’s really just because I hate myself. My father was many things. Decent wasn’t one of them. I still don’t understand why I didn’t just kill him.”

Brendon gazed at me, seemingly lost. “And this is supposed to make me believe I have a soul?”

I nodded. “I think you do.”


“Because as awful as I am, and as much as I’ve done… I still have a soul, and I still think that I can change, so why can’t you?”

“I’m dead Maddy.” Brendon answered.

“Well honey, as you keep putting it… I’m dead too.” I reminded him, worried slightly over how easily the pet name slipped off the tip of my tongue. Honey? I had never called anyone that before, in a way that hadn’t meant to be condescending. This time I simply meant it. I was changing, right before my own eyes.

I was changing, and I had no control over it.


“The water is cold.” Brendon commented, as he sat on the edge of the bathtub beside me.

“I’m just putting my feet in.” I responded softly. I didn’t look up at him. He’d given me a lot to think over earlier, as usual. Things were becoming too heavy, and it was just too much. I couldn’t handle it all at once. I couldn’t handle my own feelings, but I couldn’t shut them off.

“Do your feet have an aversion to hot water?” Brendon inquired.

“Sometimes cold water feels good.”

“Like needles?” Brendon produced one.

I stiffened. “What is that for?” We didn’t have the best track record when it came to needles… or Brendon didn’t.

“It is simply a precaution.” Brendon replied softly. “One I hope won’t have to be used.”

“Oh?” I waited for more information.

“Jon and Spencer are coming over today.” Brendon informed me. “I would love for you to meet them.”

“Won’t they recognize me?” I figured my story had to be on the news, or had to have been. How much time had passed? Still, missing people were generally advertised.

Brendon shrugged. “Doubt it. They aren’t avid news watchers.”

“Are you?” I glanced at the needle nervously. “Have you been watching?”

“I have.” Brendon replied, “I like to be caught up on current events.”

“Can I watch?” I asked. “Is there anything about me on there? About my… family?” It hurt too much to think of my mother, and what my step father had to be going through. It wasn’t fair to either of them, and so I refused to think about it. I couldn’t. If I did then I would shut down.

“Right now isn’t the best time.” Brendon replied. “It would only upset you. Now you have two options tonight Madeline…” Again the needle became very apparent, as I stared at it. “You can play nice and be my loving girlfriend, and I can introduce you to my band mates.” Or?

“Or you’ll kill me with that needle?” I swallowed hard.

“Nothing so dramatic.” Brendon replied. “I’ll simply inject this tranquilizer in to your body, and move you to my bedroom until they leave.”

“Can’t I just have a book?” I squeaked out.

Brendon gazed at me for several seconds, making me feel butt ass naked despite being fully clothed. How could he look right through me like that? It made me shudder, but not in a completely bad way. Not anymore.

“Please Brendon. I don’t want to be drugged.” It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t right… but what part of kidnap was?

“You know I won’t hurt you.” Brendon informed me. “This is just a tranquilizer. Nothing more. You will only sleep, and no harm will come to you.”

“I know.” I sighed.

“So, why do you seem afraid then?”

“Because if I decide to meet your friends… something will go wrong, and you know that, and who will pay the price in that situation? And if I decide to stay hidden… you’re going to forcibly inject a drug in to my system in order to force me to sleep for the duration of their visit.”

“I would prefer I didn’t have to act forcibly. I thought we were past that.” Mild irritation appeared upon Brendon’s face, causing concern. He didn’t actually get all that irritated with me often.

“What do you have planned Brendon?” Now I was afraid, completely afraid.

Our conversation came back. The one from earlier. Of immortality. Would he go so far as to take another’s choice? His friend’s choices? Mine?

He was giving me the choice to meet them, meaning he had no concern of them leaving and going to the authorities. I knew what he intended to do, but I didn’t want to believe it… and so I waited for his response.

“Practice.” Brendon answered. “We are going to have practice. I’ve put off band practice for long enough. The band is on break… but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be practicing. That’s not how band’s operate, and for me to have taken such a break is already over the unprofessional line.”

“And if your band mates… if they meet me you’re certain, absolutely certain that they won’t recognize me?” I was worried of the night’s events, but all I could do was hope that Brendon wouldn’t do it.

“Everything will be fine.” Brendon flatly answered.

“That’s not what I’m asking Brendon. Will they recognize me? If they do, then what?” He was dodging the question.

“I’m a vampire Madeline.” Brendon leaned close to me, and I lost sight of the needle. My panic spiked, but I didn’t let it show. I walked a fine line with Brendon, and sometimes I wasn’t sure which side I was on.

The safe one… or the one where I ended up in a body bag.

Or roaming the world forever, unchanged by time.

“I know that Brendon.” I replied.

“I can alter memories if need be.” Brendon finally answered. His lips teased mine, but we did not kiss.

“Have you ever altered mine?” So many questions.

Brendon’s eyebrows shot up. “No.”

“Will you ever?” I panicked at the idea of forgetting my mother.

“Only if you ask.” Brendon answered.

“Please don’t.” I shook my head. “Not ever.”

“I won’t, for now.” Brendon replied. “But later you might change your mind, and now is not the time for that discussion. Which will it be, Madeline? Are you my girlfriend tonight, or my victim?”

I took a bold step, as I closed the distance between our lips. It was like a gentle caress and I wanted more, but I couldn’t indulge myself any further. Not just yet. Not now. Not with Brendon. “Sometimes I fail to see the difference between those two titles.”

“The difference is-” Brendon smashed his lips against mine violently, evoking animalistic urges within me that I didn’t even know existed. All too soon he pulled away. “-in the way I kiss you. You’re not a victim to that. You never have been.”


(Here come Jon & Spencer. What do you guys think Brendon has planned for them?)
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