FicWad

Six Weeks Later….

Mikey looked over at his brother who was sitting with his eyes closed, his face titled up absorbing the sunshine. A look of contentment covered Gerard’s face. That sight brought a smile to his own face. There weren’t words to describe the happiness he felt at this moment, it was overwhelming.

Gerard could feel his brother’s gaze. Lowering his face he then opened his eyes. “What?”

“I love you.” Mikey said from the depth of his heart.

This time it was Gerard who was overcome with emotion. “I love you too Bro. I know I said it before but thanks for letting me land here until I get back on my feet.”

“Alicia and I are happy you chose to stay with us.” He glanced around to make sure his mother was still inside the house. “Even though I know Ma wanted you to stay with her.”

Gerard sighed, “I just hate that I have to be a burden to anyone.”

“You ain’t a burden” Mikey answered quickly.

“Yeah well as soon as I feel strong enough there’s a lot I need to do.” He leaned back in his chair.

“Like go to Disneyland?”

That brought an immediate smile to Gerard’s face. He’d just spent most of the day with Bandit. Lindsey had just picked her up after the visit and Gerard had been pleased by the talk he and his ex wife had had before they left. Lindsey had given him encouragement, had forgiven him for the things he’d done. She’d even hugged him tightly, whispering in his ear things would work out now when he’d admitted through a veil of tears he had indeed tried to end his own life. The visit had been cathartic. “Definitely go to Disneyland.” He said softly. “But there is so much more I need to do. I need to make so many things right that I’d fucked up.”

Mikey sat foreword in his chair. “Gee, don’t push yourself. You’ve only been out of the hospital a few days.”

“I know but the time I spent laying in that hospital bed…” He sighed, “It gave me a lot of time to think. I’m so sorry what I put you all through.” He looked down, “I know you must have spent a lot of time at the hospital when I was in the coma.”

“Of course I did.” Mikey answered quickly. “And you would have done the same for me.”

Gerard leaned back a moment closing his eyes, then tilted his head up. The warmth of the sun on his skin made him feel better. A few minutes later he spoke again. “I want to post something on our site.”

Mikey waited for him to explain.

“I need to thank our fans for their concern but more importantly I need to tell them the truth.” Gerard explained once more gazing over at his brother.

“Maybe you should wait…”

“I need to do this. It feels right. I want people to understand what can happen if you fall into the depths of despair.” He ran his hand through his hair nervously. “If only I’d talked to someone instead of keeping all the pain inside. I’m so sorry.” He said again.

Alicia, who had come outside immediately realized she’d intruded on a very private moment. She started to turn when Gerard’s voice stopped her.

“Hey, sit with us.” He said forcing himself to smile.

“Okay.” She took a seat next to her husband. “What’s up?”

It was Gerard who answered, “I was telling Mikey I want to post something on our site.”

“You want to thank the fans?”

“More than that. I want to tell them the truth.” Gerard searched her face for her true reaction.

“Oh” Alicia glanced at Mikey than back to her brother-in-law. “I think that’s a brave thing to do, the right thing.”

Gerard released the breath he’d been holding. “Yeah, that’s what I believe too. I know you all kept insisting it was an accidental overdose when I was in the coma but…” He shifted his weight trying to ease the pain in his back. “You both know it wasn’t. I tried to end my life. That’s what I wanted when I swallowed those pills.”

Even though his brother had already admitted the truth in the hospital they hadn’t spoken of it again until now. Mikey felt tears fill his eyes. “I’m just so sorry I couldn’t help you.” He whispered.

Gerard swallowed the lump of emotion in his throat before speaking. “You tried. Hell, everyone tried, I know that. I wouldn’t let you help me. None of this was your fault, Mikey. This was all on me.”

For several moments no one spoke.

Finally Gerard continued. “I have so much to make right. I know I’ve been given a second chance and I ain’t gonna fuck it up.” Immediately his thoughts went to his little girl. “I have a beautiful daughter who needs me. I have friends and family to help me. But I need to come clean about the truth.”

Alicia who, as her pregnancy progressed, was very emotional felt a tear roll down her cheek. “It’s almost like you awoke from the coma a different man.” When she saw Mikey frown she tied to explain, “Not different but better.”

Gerard smiled, “I get what you mean. Almost dying does that, I think. I do feel different though and it’s weird but I can’t really explain it any better than that. I guess when I realized what I’d done, the pain I’d caused everyone, something inside me changed. Almost too late I realized what a wonderful life I truly have.”

Again they fell silent until Alicia spoke. “Uh, your mom is talking about leaving in a few days.”

While both Mikey and Gerard loved their mother this announcement brought with it a feeling of relief. It was time to start to get things back to normal. Don had left to return home as soon as Gerard had been released from the hospital.

“That’s good.” Gerard said softly echoing the other’s thoughts. “Ma, has her own life she need to get back to.” He again shifted his weight trying to find a comfortable position. “Just like I have my own life I need to start living again.”

“Gee, we want you to stay with us.” Mikey said immediately his voice laced with fear. He felt he needed to keep a close watch on his brother.

Gerard understood his concerns. “I’m never going back to live in the condo.” He told them of the decision he’d already made. “I need to start fresh. Get a new place to call home.”

Alicia nodded. “I think that’s a great idea.”

“And you’ll help me find a place?”

She was touched by the request. “Of course. I’d love to help you.”

“Thanks. You know…” He glanced down, “I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much you mean to me.” Trying to kid he added, “And I just don’t mean you talking care of my brother.”

“I’m happy to take care of both the Way boys.” Alicia swiped at her tears. “I love you both.”

Gerard smiled, “I think I’d like to start working on what I’m gonna post.”

Alicia was immediately on her feet. “I’ll bring out your laptop.”

“I can get it.” Gerard started to stand but she gently pushed him back into his seat.

“Stay right there.”

“Hey, I’m not an invalid.”

“Nope just a guy who was in a coma for over a week and just got out of the hospital.”

“Coma.” Gerard whispered the word while a feeling he couldn’t begin to understand washed over his body.

Forgetting the laptop for a minute Alicia sat back down. “Gee, do you remember anything?”

He gave her a surprised look, “You mean while I was in the coma?”

She nodded, “Yeah, I’ve read that sometimes people remember hearing voices.”

“Hey, why don’t you get that laptop?” Mikey said suddenly. He just wanted to put all of this behind them, he didn’t want to think about all those hours he’d sat beside his brother fearing he was lost forever.

Gerard frowned, “No, hold on. It’s a good question and believe me it’s one I’ve already given some thought. You know it’s weird but at times I think I almost remember something then it’s gone.”

“Why even think about it?” Mikey asked.

Gerard looked over at him. “I know this upsets you.”

“I just want to forget all about that time.” Mikey admitted.

“I do and then I don’t.” Gerard said softly. “Sometimes I just think I need to get on with my life and try to put it behind me but at other times…”

“So do you remember hearing any voices?” Alicia asked trying to ignore the look Mikey shot her.

“Maybe.” Gerard rubbed his forehead. “I think maybe I do.” He glanced over at his brother. “Did you tell me Alicia was expecting?”

Mikey nodded.

“Maybe that’s why I wasn’t that surprised when you told me.” Gerard muttered. “Cause it was almost like I already knew.”

Mikey sighed, “I told you because I wanted you to wake up and help me.”

“Help you?”

Alicia laughed, “He’s still afraid of being a first time father.”

“Oh” Gerard nodded, “I see.” He was still searching his mind. “You both are gonna think this is weird but….”

“What?” Alicia asked.

Gerard shook his head, “Okay, don’t think I’m crazy but I keep having this memory of a fire.”

“A fire?” Mikey repeated slowly.

“Not a bad fire.” Gerard said frowning, “But like a campfire.”

When Alicia’s eyes grew wide Mikey reached over and touched her arm to silence her.

The action did not go unnoticed by Gerard, “What?”

“Nothing.” Mikey said quickly. “You’re right that is sorta weird.”

He was staring to get a headache. “Yeah, it is.” Gerard said deciding not to think about it anymore for now.

“Come on.” Mikey said standing then pulling his wife to her feet. “You get his laptop and I’ll talk to Ma.”

Once they were inside the house Alicia turned to him. “A campfire? Mikey it sounds like he’s remembering what he told Ayasha.”

“Look” Mikey said nervously. “The guy just got out of the hospital. He’s ready to get his life back together. I don’t think bringing up past shit is a good idea.”

“But….”

“Please back me up on this. Give him some time. Don’t even mention that woman, okay?”

“But why?” Alicia was definitely against his idea. “Mikey, I don’t know what you believe but in my heart I think what she did brought him out of the coma.”

“We don’t know that.”

Alicia crossed her arms angrily. “How can you say that? The doctors had just told you that they believed he wouldn’t recover. She went in, put the talisman in his hand and…”

“I don’t know what really happened. Neither do you.”

“I know he came out of the coma.”

“Thank God he did.” Mikey tried to soften his words. “But for right now let’s just give him some time. Maybe he’ll remember he asked her to contact us maybe he’ll never remember that. Either way, I have my brother back and I don’t want to do or say anything that will ruin that.”

“You just want to forget all of it.”

“Yeah, maybe that’s true but shit, look at him now. You were right he is a better person. He wants to make things right. He wants to get his life back, better than before.”

While she didn’t agree she reluctantly nodded, “Yeah, okay.” With that she went to get the laptop.


Several hours later in a haunted voice Gerard read to them what he’d written. In the post he thanked the fans for their love, for their support of the band during the darkest hours.

Alicia was in tears as the words died away. “That’s beautiful.” She whispered.

Gerard wiped his eyes and felt immediate relief. What he’d written had been pulled from his soul but he’d been nervous at the thought of other’s hearing the words. “You think it’s okay? Should I change anything?”

“I don’t think you should change one word.” She answered.

Mikey however was worried, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I ain’t afraid what some people might say. This is the truth and the truth will set me free.” As soon as the words left his mouth he frowned.

“What?” Mikey asked.

Again he found himself unable to explain the feeling that had washed over him when he’d said those words. “Nothing.” He lied. “I just want to get the other guys reaction first before I post this.”

_________________________________________________________________


Three days later Gerard was watching a movie while Mikey had gone to take their mother to the airport. He’d wanted to go but they both had insisted he needed to rest. His body was still weak but with each passing day he felt his mind growing stronger. He looked up when he heard Alicia enter the room. She’d gone to run errands and had just gotten back.

“Hey” He smiled in greeting.

“Hey yourself.” She answered then started to move towards the kitchen.

“Uh Alicia?” He knew Mikey would be back soon and he really wanted to speak to her alone.

“Yeah?”

“Do you have a few minutes?”

“Sure” She walked towards him. “Do you need something?”

“I’d like to talk to you, ask you a question.”

She took a seat across from the sofa while Gerard put the movie on pause.

Now that she was seated across from him waiting he felt slightly nervous. “Uh, the other day when we were talking about the coma something came up I don’t understand.”

“What?” She asked cautiously.

He could see the guarded look on her face. “Mikey don’t want you talking about this, does he?”

Alicia gave him a slight smile, “You picked up on that?”

Gerard leaned back, “Yeah, I picked up on that. But I think it’s important.”

She agreed, “So what do you want to know?”

“When I mentioned the campfire you got a weird look on your face. Then I saw Mikey reach over and touch your arm like he was trying to keep you quiet.”

“Picked up on that too.” She laughed.

He nodded, “Yeah, but I don’t understand why.”

Alicia hoped Mikey wouldn’t arrive home soon. “Tell me again, what is it you think you remember?”

“A campfire.” Gerard answered immediately. “But I have no fuckin’ idea why.” However suddenly another thought came into his head.

“What?” Alicia asked seeing the confused look on his face.

“This is so fuckin’ upsetting.” He said softly. “It’s like a memory will suddenly almost become clear and then I lose it.” He rubbed his forehead, “Campfire…” He sighed, “Why would I be thinking about a campfire?”

She prayed what she was about to do was right. “Maybe you’re remembering something that happened when you were young?”

Gerard gave her a confused look, “When I was young?”

“When you were young you and Mikey went camping, right?”

“Well yeah.”

Alicia waited.

“But I haven’t thought about that in years. Why would I think about that now?”

“That’s not exactly true.” She said softly.

Gerard was confused, “What?”

She wanted him to remember this on his own. “Why don’t you tell me about camping with Mikey.”

He had no idea where this was going. “We went camping in the Pine Barrens with folks. No big deal.”

Alicia just stared at him.

“Okay, you gotta help me out here.” He said nervously running his hand through his shaggy hair.

Again she prayed she was doing the right thing. “When you said you haven’t thought about it in years that wasn’t true.”

“Yeah, it was.” He said slowly. “I honestly haven’t given that any thought in forever.

“Did you tell Mikey any stories when you went camping?”

“Stories?”

She nodded, “Yeah, stories. You know to scare your little brother?”

A look of shock covered his face as the memory started to take hold. “The Devil Raven.” He whispered. “I made up a story about a creature I called the Devil Raven.”

Alicia nodded, “Yeah, you did.”

“But what the hell does that have to do with anything? Did Mikey tell you about that?”

“No I didn’t.” Mikey’s voice started them both.

“Hey, Honey.” Alicia said trying to smile as soon as she saw the look of anger on her husband’s face. “Any problems seeing your mom off at the airport?”

Mikey didn’t answer he just continued to scowl.

Gerard was still trying to make sense of his conversation with Alicia. Ignoring his brother he turned to her. “Please, I need to understand. Why bring up camping with Mikey when we were young?”

Alicia was staring at Mikey waiting for him to take the lead.

“He doesn’t need to think about this.” He said to his wife.

“Hey” Gerard interjected. “I think I do. I need to understand what’s going on.”

“Mikey he asked me about the campfire.” Alicia said softly.

Slowly Mikey walked across the room and took a seat on the sofa by his brother.

“Come on guys.” Gerard said feeling very frustrated. “What’s going on?”

Alicia spoke slowly looking at Gerard while trying to ignore the look of anger on her husband’s face. “You have thought about those camping trips. You have thought about the Devil Raven story. You told someone else about it.”

He was clearly shocked, “I don’t remember doing that. Who did I tell?”

“A Native American Medicine Woman named Ayasha.”

“What?”

Alicia forced herself to look at her husband for guidance.

“Might as well tell him the whole story.” Mikey sighed, “You know he ain’t gonna let this go now.”

“Mikey I’m sorry.”

He sighed, “I know he asked you. Go ahead.”

Gerard sat forward staring at his sister-in-law waiting for her to speak.

Taking a deep breath she began. “The day you came out of the coma Mikey got a call. The woman explained that you’d spoken to her several times and had asked her to contact Mikey if anything happened to you.”

Gerard’s eyes grew wide. “A Medicine Woman?”

Alicia nodded, “Yeah, at first we didn’t know if we should believe her. But she did have Mikey’s private number and she did know things that only you would have told her.”

A chill ran down Gerard’s spine, “Go on.”

“She called and asked us to meet with her so we did. While talking to her she told us how you’d told her about the stories you’d made up about the Devil Raven.”

“I don’t get it.” Gerard interrupted. “I mean, I don’t remember ever giving anyone Mikey’s number, hell for that matter I sure as hell don’t remember ever talking to a Medicine Woman and telling her about camping. Why would I do that?”

“Ayasha told us you’d gone to her during the time you were interested in different religions.”

Gerard thought a moment, “I did go through a time when I was interested in that sorta stuff.”

“Right” Alicia nodded, “And that made sense to us.”

“But why the hell would I tell her about camping as a kid?”

Alicia sighed, “Not so much the camping as the stories. She told us that you had explained to her you kept having a recurring memory about that time, about the stories you made up to scare Mikey.”

“The Devil Raven. I told her about that?”

“Gee, I never told anyone about those stories.” Mikey said slowly joining the conversation. “So I figured you had to have told her.”

“Fuck, why can’t I remember this?”

Mikey shrugged, “I don’t know but why make a big deal out of it?”

“It is a big deal.” Gerard said slowly allowing himself time to think. “I can just feel it.”

Alicia continued, “She told us she believed after talking to you she understood why you kept having that memory.”

“Go on.” He said nervously.

“You have to understand that Ayasha told us the first time she talked to you she could tell you were just interested in Native American beliefs but when she talked to you a few months later things had changed.”

“Wait, so I met with her more than once?”

Alicia nodded, “Yeah, she said the second time she knew you were messed up. That you’d chosen a dark path.”

“That’s the fuckin’ truth.” Gerard whispered more to himself then the others.

“She said that while you two talked she believed she understood why you kept remembering that Devil Raven story, that it tied into Native American beliefs. However they don’t call it Devil Raven it’s called the Raven Mocker.”

Gerard nervously clasped his hands. “How does it tie in?”

“For this to make sense I need to tell you the story she told us.” Slowly as Gerard listened closely she repeated best she could the legend Ayasha had shared. When she repeated the line “Long Day of Night” she saw Gerard’s eyes grow wide.

“The coma” His voice shook as did his whole body. “But I still don’t understand. What difference did any of this make? I’d chosen the dark path. Even if in some way I did know I was mentally sick, that I’d given up, why would I want her to contact you?”

Alicia smiled gently, “There was a reason. And that reason I believe in my heart is what brought you out of the coma.”