FicWad

Gerard had provided me with some intense silence treatment during our walk and despite my several attempts to start a civil conversation I hadn't managed to make him snap out of his wordless state. His temples throbbed which I noted with both insecurity and exhiliration. Looked like I was somehow being annoying again.

When we reached the club Ray's car was nowhere to be seen and my thoughts went out to Grace, hoping she could take care of herself and not end up raped and ditched dead 50 miles south, but the main reason I missed her company was a less noble one. I'd accidentaly gotten my head all cleared up during our walk in the supposedly fresh evening air and my mind itched for another pill, the sensation it brought was so unlike anything I'd ever experienced with the help of alcohol, a whole new dimension of peace and calm I hadn't quite reached before.

A lot like heaven, and propably the closest to heaven I was going to get, too.

The music was blaring inside the club, even as we stood on the line outside the entrance I had trouble hearing what was being said and to whom. I was relieved when I heard enough of the song to decide that it wasn't Pencey Prep playing just yet, most likely just another local having got their chance to show what they've got. Which wasn't much, I added to myself, snorting as the high notes the lead singer didn't quite hit nearly blasted my eardrums.
Gerard's expression matched mine and I offered a genuine smile.

"And we're not even inside yet" he muttered and flashed a crooked little smirk, one that made my knees wobble.

A hollow chuckle was all I was capable of forming while deciding that I was in desperate need of a drink, I needed booze to save me from my vulnerable state of mind and turn me into that bitch everyone knew and loved.

I really couldn't afford getting struck by Gerard's physical charm right now, not like this, not with my head this clear and my heart so close to being on display, I was running empty on nasty remarks to disguise it with.
Kissing Gerard was designed to look like a stupid test, a drunken game, and I wouldn't want to have Gerard know any better.

The line was starting to move rapidly as the guards let people in in groups of ten or fifteen. they searched everyone for firearms, drugs and alcohol. That's Newark for you. I extended my bag to one of the bouncers and let him rummage through the contents, knowing there was nothing there to hide. When he searched me, I had to stand in X position and I tried to keep myself from laughing at how ridiculous this was. It was as if we were all being mistaken for north koreans and someone had tipped us off, telling one of us had some serious nuclear mass destruction shit on him. My urge to laugh died out in a heartbeat as the bouncer spent one too many seconds grabbing and touching my crotch.

"Cut it" I heard Gerard grunt behind me and the guy looked up, dropping his hands. "I really doubt she has a rifle in there"

Gerard's voice was a strained monotone, but stern in a way that made the bouncer dude shove my bag back into my arms and push me inside.

A moment later Gerard appeared on my side and I couldn't help hissing "For all you know, I just might" at him, before marching towards the counter.

The club was packed. Sweaty, swaying bodies were uncontrollably colliding into one another while trying to catch the rhythm they were dancing to. The whole place seemed to throb as if it was a living, breathing creature with the pulse of a high blood pressure patient. I shoved my way further, trying to push people right and left to make space for my tiny body.

Some idiots seemed to have gotten a brilliant idea to start making waves in a crowded, small space and keeping your balance became almost impossible as the bodies pressed together and started leaning sideways, there was no room on the floor for my feet to take to few critical steadying steps, and then there was a hand grabbing mine and much to my horror it belonged to the one and only Gerard Way- I cringed but didn't put up a fight seeing as though it was my best chance at staying alive in this swaying fest.

I felt as though I floated behind him as he dragged me through the crowd. Some of the people seemed to know him, and made space for him to pass. Despite the neon spot lights and the strobos nearly blinding me, and the amount of human bodies blocking my view altogether, it seemed to me that some of these people stared at our hands that were, for the moment, tightly connected.

I frowned, I didn't want anyone to think there was something between me and this damn superhero here in front of me, especially not tonight since this time was reserved for me to finally convince Mikey that nothing had happened between me and Gerard and that I had no sexual interests towards his older brother. Oddly, if Mikey had shown up earlier, I could've stated these things truthfully, without a doubt in my mind, but now.. It lookes like I was going to have to lie my way back to Mikey's list of friends and it troubled me greatly.

I was anxious to have us back on good terms and though lying wasn't exactly an untouched area for me, being insincere to Mikey while trying to fix our friendship felt wrong on so many levels.. But what choice did I have? I'm sure Mikey wouldn't appreciate my honesty after I told him everything that had happened while he was hiding out at Donna's, and Gerard sure as hell wouldn't feel much gratitude toward me after I would come forward telling everybody about the strange, fierce acts of mixed disdain and intense physical attraction that resulted in a few new bruises on my body and lips swollen as a porn star's.

I was out of breath and a little faint when Gerard finally placed me in front of the counter and I had to grab it with both hands to steady myself.

"Whew" I breathed out to no one in particular. "Atleast someone came" I joked, remembering how the band had been dead worried no one would show up at their gig.
Gerard glanced at me sideways, and parted his lips to speak but was cut off by the bartender pointing his finger at him with raised eyebrows, the guy was either too lazy to speak or the music was just way too loud for him to able to communicate verbally but we both took the gesture as a sign that it was Gerard's turn to order.

"What are you having?" He yelled although we weren't half a foot apart.
He was buying me a drink? For real? How conspicuous. I waited for the music to pause, the singer had announced three minutes ago that it was the last song on the set and it was time for a little break before the next act.
The bartender was long gone, serving other customers on the other side of the counter.

"Are you trying to like poison me in my most preferable way?" I smirked

"Told ya, they say that the best way to-"

"-get me to fucking comply is to serve me vodka, yeah G, I got that the last time." I muttered

"Ten vodka shots please" Gerard called over to the bartender, who glanced back at us with a look that was propably supposed to say are you two fucking serious. Turns out Gerard was, and soon I was watching ten shot glasses being filled up with bare vodka straight from the freezer. No matter how I avoided thanking Gerard, if anything in the world called for a thanks, this was it.

"Thank you" I yelped as I downed the first one, quickly throwing in the second one as well. You know, so the first one wouldn't get all lonely down there. From the corner of my eye I could see Gerard gulping down his shots as franticly as I, and for the first time I declared we had something in common. I could feel the buzz starting to numb my fingertips, blur my sight and burn my cheeks. I emptied the third one and decided to take a little break, I hadn't eaten anything all day and the beverage was coming hard at me at this speed.

I detected Frankie waving at me from the stage as he fumbled with his guitar strings, the odds were that he had gotten all panicky about checking the tuning for propably the tenth time since they'd arrived.

I waved back with a dreamy smile, feeling my cheeks turn a deeper shade of pink by the second, knowing that I looked like a freaking Happy Tree Friends figure with my red lipstick, pink round cheeks and a glassy stare. The only difference was that all of my limbs were still attached to my body, even though I was starting to slowly lose feeling in each one of them. I drank the fourth one.

"I'm gonna start a band" Gerard announced right when I had almost forgot about is presence. His words were slightly slurred, and a sharp smell of the vodka consumed greeted me as I turned my head to face him. After a quick intake of breath I crinkled my nose wondering if I really smelled as bad as he did when I drank this shit.

"Do I smell bad?" I inquired casually, though realizing as the words left my mouth that he wouldn't be a very good judge of that.

"Oh please, my sense of smell is the first one to fall asleep when I drink" he snorted, adding "Thank God, I suppose"

"What do you play?" I asked, returning to the original subject he'd started.

"Nothing. I wanna sing"

"Sing?" I repeated with a chuckle that fast escalated and I found myself giggling breathlessly at the thought of Gerard singing. So far, I'd pretty much only heard the guy either use this weird snarky tone when he was trying to insult me, or these low grunts that escaped his lips when he wasn't sure what to say. Oh, the vocal talent, so there for everyone to notice!

"Fuck off" He whispered and emptied another shot. I noticed there was but one left on the counter and quickly grabbed it, downing the burning, acid-like liquid in one gulp.

"I think we're done here" I slurred and rubbed my face in order to regain some of the feeling. Becoming numb in the face while drunk was one of the most inconvenient things I knew, you could mever be really sure if you were drooling or if you had some weird, retarded expression stuck on your face that you had no idea of.
A trip to the restroom was appopriate.

As I thrusted my way to the bathrooms, the music started blasting out of the speakers again. My eardrums ached and protested and I'd never felt so old in my life as I saw the intoxicated teenagers sway their perspiring bodies to the beat. It wasn't a band playing yet, just some random rock song that sounded best played real loud.

I saw a flash of a familiar face somewhere in the crowd, but lost it as soon as I recognized it as Frank. From the look of it he was making his way towards me but my sense of direction failed big time due to the overcrowded space and my very incovenient shortness. From where I was standing, at this height, my vision was all elbows and boobs. I was starting to lose my temper for not being able to fucking move, so I pushed some random clubber in front of me with all the strenght I had in me, succeeding in making a gap just big enough for me to crawl through and finally made it to the bathroom door.

Beside me, a girl my age was vomiting her guts out while a guy twice as old was pleading her to go on a date with him. I shrugged and pulled the door open, momentarilly blinded by the unnatural, blue light. Almost every club had those sickly blue lights assmebled into the bathrooms these days, they made finding a vein very difficult if not impossible altogether, which was the point exactly. I walked forward and peeked into every stall, finding no one but a middle-aged scrawny hippie woman snorting some white powder up her nose that she had laying around on the bathroom floor. I felt disgusted and turned away.

My head spun a little less now that I had access to a water tap, I splashed and sprayed it all over my face realizing for the first time that I was practically burning up. the temperature in this place must've been mindless. I was zoning out a bit there, leaning on the stainless steel counter wet with water and spilled drinks, staring at my reflection through the equally stained mirror. The cracks on it made my face look distorted and the blue light did not do justice to my face tone. I looked like a sick, sick little girl from some kind of a zombie apocalypse movie. I rummaged through my mini-sized messenger bag and found a crimson lipstick.

"There" I murmured to myself "Look alive, sunshine.."

I smacked my lips and straightened my clothes, preparing to enter the goddamned human zoo again. I was used to clubs and unimaginable amounts of wasted people, but I was more of a corner bar type of chick. The crowd sometimes had me on the verge of a panic attack. I placed the lipstick in the bag, feeling my finger brush something unfamiliar in the process. I had to empty the bag on the filthy counter before I detected the round-ish, smooth surface my skin had made contact with. It was a small, plastic container. One I'd become familiar with in the past few days. It both scared me silly, and fascinated me.

I wanted to flush those things down the drain and never think twice of it, and then I was really drawn to them, wanting to feel the tiny round objects on my tongue. Self-loath led to self-harm, and I was much more keen on the idea of being messed up than scarred. Again, I found myself swallowing the pills I had no knowledge of, and smiled. I tucked the container into my bag and the fact that it wasn't even nearly empty reassured me in a way.

Despite the spinning in my head and the weak, numb feeling in my limbs and the tingling on my skin, I felt strong. I felt like a hostage with an invisible shotgun. A deep breath later, I was facing the madness again. Through the thick masses of dancing people, I spotted Gerard, on the other side of the room, still sitting on the bar stool spacing out. I smiled at him sympathetically even though I knew for fact he wouldn't see me.

Was it weird that I felt sorry for the guy? Seeing him sit there alone, emptying glasses of various drinks? It was weird, considering that I was just as alone as he was. Did people feel sorry for me, too? When they saw me sitting somewhere in my own company, focusing on the alcohol at hand, did they feel bad, did they pity? I had never considered myself pathetic, but at that moment when I stared at Gerard's slouched figure, I looked at him and saw bits and pieces of me staring back.
I felt a strong urge to make it all better.

I hadn't felt anything strong in a long time, except for anger and negativity, and a feeling this sincere, this selfless, was nearly enough to knock me over. I swallowed and slowly inhaled the stench of alcohol in the air, surprised by the way it made me want to bend over and crawl to the farthest end of the room and hope someone would find me the day after. It's just the drugs talking, I reminded myself and even though I blamed them for my weak, unstable state of mind, I also felt a whole lot better the moment my hand went into my bag and gently touched the container. It was still there. I'll be fine.

I sucked in my breath, deciding I would not only let it get to me, but I would welcome it like the oldest fucking friend I had, and stomped my way back to the counter. I got lost a couple times, due to losing the view, but after a short while felt a strong hand in mine and a pull that was hard to resist. Again, someone was taking me somewhere, and I didn't complain. I didn't seem to exactly get anywhere myself.

A Hole song started playing and I sang loudly, knowing most of the lyrics by heart.
"Swing low, sweet cherry, make it awwwful!"

it's your life, it's your party, it's so awful
let's start a fire, let's have riot, yeah it's awful!

I closed my eyes and let my feet follow the pull, but looked around in shock when I felt the cold evening air hit my face.

"What-" I started and turned on my heels to find the motherfucker who dragged me out of the party just like-

"Nicholas" I nodded curtly, as my eyes adjusted and finally could make out the features I knew all too well. "I see you're still up to doing what you do best" I slurred. Dragging me out of parties with no questions asked..

"I could say the same thing about you" I chuckled.

I could still hear the music coming from inside. The lyrics were strangely still clear enough to hear even though Nick had lead me through some sort of a backdoor to the street behind the club, away from the noise.

He's drunk, he tastes
Like candy, he's so beautiful
He's so deep, like dirty water
God, he's awful
You're lost, oh, where's your daddy - he's so awful

Courtney Love sang and the words reminded me of someting, and somehow I found myself thinking about Gerard again..
I had been on my way to sit with him. Why? And what if he already left? I wanna go back..
I snorted, remembering I was here because of an idiot.

"Right, so what's this about? Did you want something or can I go now? Freezing my ass off here" I muttered.

In a matter of seconds his coat was off and I felt it being dumped on my shoulders, and even though I welcomed the warmth, I violently shook it off.

"Would you stop that? Whaddoya want?" I repeated while digging my bag for a cigarette. I found one and lit it, taking propably the longest drag of my life just to see that disapproving look on his face.

"Just wanted to say hello, haven't seen you around since... the.."

"Yeah, well, you could've done it inside. A nod is pretty popular. It acknowledges while being totally neutral. Also, a brief wave is recommended. You should pay extra attention to your post break up social skills next time, Nick" I let out a stupid laugh.

"Aren't you even ashamed?" He asked, shaking his head just a little.

"What? For being drunk?" I laughed again.

"Judging by the look in your eyes, you're a lot more than just drunk, Em.. But that's not what I meant. You've been fucking Gerard behind my back for god knows how long and you don't even think I deserve a hello?"

"Awww come on! Old fucking news, Nick! I didn't fuck anyone behind your back! Not Gerard, not Frank, not Bill fucking Clinton! I'm tired of trying to get everyone to fucking grasp that!"

I threw my hands up to express the frustration but the sudden movement made my balance take a nap, and I had to take several steps to steady myself while holding on to the brick wall as well as I could manage. I held the cigarette tightly between my lips and from the corner of my eye I could see Nicholas staring at me with a sad look on his face.

"Can't I take care of you then, Em?" he whispered.

The pity in his eyes made my blood boil and the words that were anxious to be spoken out loud felt like poison against my tongue.
I didn't even try to keep my temper on a leash, I didn't even think about not spilling out the words I knew would tick Nicholas off so bad. I wanted to fuck him up for looking at me like I was a drunken nutjob, a homeless person that he felt like throwing a few quarters at.

"I don't need you to take care of me! In fact, you're incapable of taking care of me the way I like it. But luckily, I happen to know a guy that isn't and he's been taking care of me for a loonng, long time" I hissed icyly, watching his face twitch with hurt and anger as I spoke, enjoying every second of it.

The next thing I knew, I had my face in his tight grip, his large palm pressed onto my mouth and his muscular fingers digging into my skin. He tightened his grip even further, making it feel like my jaw was being dislocated. I threw an inaccurate punch, but came nowhere near hitting him. I tried to kick, to bend my leg and get my knee high enough to knock him where it hurts, but it was no use.

I averted his eyes, but when I glanced at his face, I saw hurt and sadness, betrayal and disappointment, not anger.

"Fuck you" I mumbled against his skin even though I knew I wouldn't exactly help in my quest to break loose.
Instead, he gripped tighter and brought his face an inch from mine.

"A whore" he whispered with a shaky tone. I had never seen him like this, like some fucking highly explosive liquid that I did not know to handle with care. I'd been used to the sissy Nicholas, the pansy that almost begged for insults and misbehavior. I knew not better than to keep it that way.

I chuckled, and his other hand flew to my neck, making my silent laugh sound more like slow choking. Did he really think he had the balls to choke me, right here right now? I knew him better than that. He should know himself better than that.

"Chickenshit" I forced the words through my lips and saw the fire in his eyes. My head spun like no one's business, due to the booze and the couple pills I just took and now, the cherry on top of the ice cream, lack of air.

I felt dizzy and couldn't tell right from left, as I started throwing my hands all over, my small fists desperately trying to make contact with any body part of his, only to come out looking like a powerless child trying to fight a giant.

One more punch, and my fist met the cold glass of the door behind us, shattering it to a million crystal shreds. I froze, realizing my fist was inside now, and I would have to pull it back from the hole I had made. My hand was already bleeding, and even thinking about pulling it through the hole lined with razor sharp edges almost made me faint.

Nick didn't seem to react to any of this, he stood still in his position, one hand on my neck and the other holding on my jaw, making me unable to move my face. From the corner of my eye I could see my entire hand covered with blood and bit my tongue as I pulled it back, feeling the rip on my skin much worse than before.

I would've cried out, but Nick's hand muted the sound to a small whimper. My entire body started shaking. I brought my hand close to my face and panicked at the sight, finding it even harder to breath. This was nothing like before, nothing like the sense of thrill I had felt with Gerard handling me like this. This was the real deal, Nick stood there, unmoving, with fierce, blurry eyes and had no intentions to loosen his grip.
I heard nothing but my own pulse.
I regretted my earlier actions, the pushing and the incitement in the words I spoke that had led to this.
I knew I was on the verge on unconsciousness, my pulse slowing down, my eyes draping and head lolling whenever Nick didn't focus on keeping my face close to his.
I didn't think about anything anymore, I felt sleepy and dizzy and almost welcomed the blackness that I felt coming closer. I wouldn't die. I would softly slip into unconsciousness and Nick would freak out and leave. I wouldn't die.

"Em, you here? They're starting in just a mo-" A distant voice spoke, and a light breeze blew over to my sweaty face, as if someone just.. opened the door? I tried once more to inhale but only came up with wheezing sound and a tenth of the air my lungs cried out for. The pain in my hand felt so much stronger, and I realized the blackness had retreated just a little.

"WHAT THE HELL?" I heard the voice roar, and I had never heard anything quite like it. Who was it? The strong, coarse but heavenly loud voice didn't seem to belong to anyone I knew. Nick disappeared from my view due to a violent push coming from somewhere beside me, and I collapsed onto the asphalt, still leaning on the brick wall like a ragdoll from hell.

I inhaled sharply, but ended up coughing my lungs out, the panic was strating to build up inside me, even more than before and from the first time since Nick started choking me I actually realized, like really fucking grasped the fact that I could not breath!
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale I repeated in my head but my breathing became shallow and frantic. I shifted my position and ended up on all fours, not even caring what was happening around me. I could hear more voices now, shrieking and barking and screaming and I wondered if I'd really died and turned invisible. Help me, fucking help me!

"Shhhh" A voice murmured into my ear. "Shhh.. You can breath now, it's just a panic attack, you'll be fine, just breath, shhh"

I felt a hold on my shoulers that forced me to rock back and forward just a little, which helped me time my breathing. After a while, I was able to move and got seated again, back against the wall, feeling exhausted and aching all over. I remembered my hand and brought it up to study the damage, but cringed instead at the sharp pain that started to get more and more real and rested the hand on my lap, closing my eyes. I just wanted to sleep.

"Do you have the pills?" The same voice whispered and I nodded silently.

"In the bag?" It asked. I nodded again.

I felt the bag shift and next thing I knew, a pill was placed in my mouth and I swallowed it, not really knowing what I was doing. I had already taken two after I came here, I wanted to cry out, but couldn't. I opened my mouth to ask if I would overdose, but no sound came out. My throat was dry and sore and I closed my mouth feeling a single tear escape my eye.

"Don't panic again, honey. it's me, Grace, it's okay" She whispered and I closed my eyes as all the noices became more and more distant.

The yelling faded, the loud breaking sounds ceased to exist and everything became slowly calm and quiet.






It took me ages to write this chapter, see, as I might've mentioned before I suck at action and I really tried to avoid making an incoherent mess out of what was happening.. Anyway, I'm so sorry for the delay!

By the way, if you don't know what a Happy Tree Friends figure is, click here http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTP51-SjqysUOxNeKecRx5hw5aCoIsexq8EM94_-ibS9aPPW8yr
it's a series of cartoon with a crazy amount of irony in the stories, and usually they all end up killed pretty violently.... The young, angry, world-hating teenager version of me used to laugh her ass of watching those.


Aaannnd here's the song with lyrics, Hole - Awful.
I love this song.
I love the majority of their songs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQHA5EYWyNs

Rate&Review Please!!