FicWad

It's the next morning. I can't imagine approaching Ryan. I wouldn't know how to breath around him... I wouldn't know how to think around him. His touch, even with the absence of taste, still gets to me. Watching him walk down the halls, knowing my taste was on his lips and in his mouth, brings back that hot feeling. And yet, yesterday will only be a memory. Ryan and I can't do anything more and we might as well shouldn't. He's Dallon's and I know that.
After getting dressed, I head downstairs. It's another morning routine with Dallon and his paper. Me and my quick intake of food. Ryan... and the way he gives me these glances. That smirk, his body movements. The nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's like we're complete strangers again.
"So I think we're going to clean up the tracks we have so far." Dallon says.
"Yeah, alright." I reply. Distractions are fantastic.
We head into the den and get working on the tracks. My mind skips around instead of clearly paying attention and helping with this music.
"So Brendon, while I was away yesterday, did anything... you know."
"Yeah." And suddenly it all feels awkward.
His voice grows quiet, "He's amazing, isn't he?"
"He's definitely something." I say, not really knowing how to respond.
"I hope things are more comfortable now." He says with a smile.
Between you and I, maybe. Between me and your sex buddy, that's a whole other story.
"Yep." I say, pushing out a smile.
"Anyway, for this track I feel like there should be more harmony, what do you think?"
I finally let myself breath a little more at ease. Glad him and I moved off that subject quickly.

---

It's later in the day, Dallon decides to go back down to the record label he's a part of. In the back of my mind I highly wished I went with him. I'm in this house, just me and Ryan. Again. There's no way I'd be so bored enough to get out of my room to go talk to him.
But somehow I manage to get that bored.
I know by this time Ryan tends to go out for a cigarette. I still question why, though. He's so attractive, smoking just ruins you after a decent amount of years.
I slowly but surely make it into Dallon's room. I can see Ryan outside, gazing at the sunset. It's a photo-op. Quietly, I make my way to the balcony. I stop briefly and think twice: What would I even talk to him about? 'Oh, I don't know if you know this, but you give amazing blowjobs.'
Yeah, right.
I take deep breaths before just going for it, not thinking, stepping outside and-
"Brendon." He says, turning around slowly. I stop dead in my tracks. There's that smirk.
"You, uh, hey.." I reply.
"I could hear you." He says, bringing the cigarette back up to his lips.
"Oh." Is all I could say, nervously walking closer to him. Goddamn he's too good.
We both face the oranges and yellows out in the distance. Maybe I didn't have to speak first.
"So, um, how are you?" I ask.
He glances over at me, giggling briefly, "I'm fine."
Sometimes I wish I was more subtle.
But sadly, I don't think I'll ever be, especially around him, "That's good."
It grows silent for a while longer. At this point, I know he won't budge. That cigarette between his lips... he doesn't need to talk. It's his big excuse, possibly to make himself look more mysterious and sexy. Somehow I just figured that now.
"So, have you listened to the tracks Dallon and I have been working on?"
"I hear some snippets every time I walk by."
"Do you like them?"
"Sure." I watch him take a drag and let it out slowly. The way the smoke drifts into the wind, it's almost graceful.
I look away quickly, thinking of what else I could say. Simple, friendly conversations. That's all I really hope for. For us to be friends, so long as he didn't keep flirting with me. That's probably not going to happen.
I think of nothing for a while. Just the silence between both of us. I'm not even doing anything, just readjusting every so often. Staring into space, smelling his smoke.
"One day," Ryan starts, breaking the awkward silence I was afraid would never end, "I pray I'll die of lung cancer."
Wait, what the hell is he going on about? I look at him, "Ry-"
"The sooner the better." He finishes, I watch him take a long drag of his cigarette, his death stick.
He looks at me, "What?"
"Could I take a hit?" I say, I already know where my plan is going.
"Sure." He hands it to me; I take it. I don't even bother to act as though I would really take a hit, throwing the cigarette down and stepping on it.
"Why the hell did you do that?" He looks confused out of his mind; even angry. I'm almost shocked.
"Lung cancer? Smoking whenever you can because you want to die?"
He sighs, more relaxed than before, "I shouldn't have even said anything. I thought you weren't listening."
"Not listening? It's so goddamn quiet, that's not even the point-"
"Don't listen to me then." He says, his voice raised.
He starts leaving, I rush over and grab his arm, "Ryan, talk to me."
"Just forget everything I said." He says, he tugs hard and I let him go. Maybe I'm not that strong.
I hope my words can at least reach him, "No, Ryan, why do you want to die? Saying that just out of fucking no where, you want someone to listen, don't you?"
He stops in the frame of Dallon's door. He looks back at me before dropping his gaze to the ground.
"Fine." He says in a gentle voice.