FicWad

The following day was spent sulking and dwelling on the depressing fact that the long weekend had gone by so quickly, and hadn't been nearly as fun and carefree as planned.
I briefly considered trying to reach Gerard to see if he was ok, but eventually decided against it. If I had learned even the tiniest bit of how the man's brain worked, he was propably mad at me for ending up in jail for the night.

I imagined Gerard and Nick in their own cells, within seeing distance and cringed. Former best friends, they were, though now nothing but a couple of dudes getting arrested and taken into custody, glaring at each other through the rusty metal bars, wishing they'd have had the chance at one more swing at each other.

I was fed up with people getting mad at me, I felt I hardly ever did anything remotely bad or hurtful to deserve it.

It was just about three in the afternoon when I heard a key turn in the lock and had my hopes up for seeing Frank emerge into the apartment - he hadn't come back last night after all.
I peeked from behind the wall between the hall and the kitchen with a smile ready on my lips.

"Hello" I called out happily.

"... Hi" Came the nervous answer and I peeked again, seeing the one and only Mikey Way standing awkwardly in his own fucking hall, studying my reaction to seeing him. I knew I had some explaining to do, as he definitely had some apologizing to do, but I can't even begin to describe the joy I felt when I realized that my ever so annoying, mess- making roommate Michael had finally returned.

I wanted to squeal but didn't want to scare the guy.

"Mikes, I missed you so much!" I declared walking to the door to hug him tightly.
He returned the hug but seemed a little unsure about it.

"What've you been up to? Are you staying? Say something!" I urged.

"Look, we gotta talk. I'm sorry I fucked up. It was my fault entirely. I just... Look, I see you run here and there constantly, taking advantage of whatever boyfriend or fuckfriend you have, and I'm okay with that really, but when it comes to my brother.. I dunno, I just got the impression something happened between you to with the door being locked and we all know there's only one bed in that basement and then Kat came along and both of you and Gee were awkward as hell. And don't get me started on the ride home, you were glaring at her as if she somehow stole your buzz and Gerard was being so uncomfortable having us in the van. And then you said you slept with him cause you had to and you were drunk and everything just went to shit" His face was pained, and I could see he was really sorry despite the defensice tone I'd noted during the last few lines.

"Woah, Mikey, breath" I joked and let out an awkward laugh.

"I misunderstood and jumped into conclusions. I should know you hate the guy with a passion. I get that you wouldn't touch each other for a million dollars" He chuckled "So I'm sorry, Em"

I shifted my weight from foot to another, so fucking ready to say that it was okay and forget about all this, and I would've, but after that last remark it just seemed like too big a deceit. I had to... I don't even know.. I could feel his eyes on me and I desperately wanted to smile at him and act fine, but the expression on my face and way my lips had twisted downwards had nothing to do with a smile. I tried again, and knew I'd pulled a grimace.

"Yeah, about that.." I started, untangling my tongue "You're right we didn't have sex. And we never have.. But a million dollars is a lot of fucking money.."

I knew it was an idiotic way to put it but I have to break it down softly somehow, and just implying that the idea of touching his brother wasn't a complete impossibility seemed like a better way to go than just blurting out the fact that I wanted to tear Gerard's clothes off with excessive violence and have him fuck me like I was a piece of cheap flesh whenever he came around.
I felt my face flush at my thoughts.

Mikey didn't get the hint. He laughed lightly and told me he was pretty sure no one would ever come up with a million dollars worth of cash and ask me to touch Gerard in order to get it, so I shouldn't worry about what my possible answer to the request would be.
I let the case drop and went back to drinking coffee and sulking my ass off.

I started to have serious fucking guilty waves wash over me every couple minutes for not being open and honest to Mikey. But isn't it a sign of me valuing our friendship, and not the opposite?
I care about being friends and being on good terms with the guy so I'd rather put up with this horrible guilty conscience than have our relationship take the hit again. That makes me a good friend, right? Cause if Mikey didn't matter to me, I could just come out and say it- I want to fuck your brother so bad.
But I can't. Cause I'm a good friend. Right? Right.

I tried to convince myself that it wasn't a big deal either while Mikey rummaged through his room on the other side of the wall.

"Where the fuck are my things?" He eventually roared.

"Ask your bro" I shrugged, trying to appear calm. I don't know what happened, since when have I been this afraid of Mikey throwing a fit about something? This wasn't natural. It used to be the other way around, and I had prefered it that way, too.

"He still lives here?"

"Yeah, I mean, where else would he go? Frank lives here too. I wasn't too excited about it first but this dorm community type of life kinda grows on ya I think"

"Right. Well Gee can go live with Ma now. There's not enough room here. And I want my stuff back where it was" He stated.

I didn't answer. Was he getting rid of Gerard? But he can't! He can't just- No. The dude wasn't leaving. I wasn't letting him. I had let him stay and if anyone was to ever throw him out, it would be me and I would have a proper reason and it would have to take place after I'd gotten all this sexual tension shit figured out. I didn't know how to protest, though, without giving Mikey the wrong idea. Or the uhm, right idea...

"I think he should stay if he wants to" I tried to sound as nonchalant as I was capable of, but even the perfectly toneless tone of my voice was propably enough to catch his attention.

"Why?" His face appeared in the doorway, staring at me quizzically.

I squirmed on my seat.

"Well isn't it just a bit rude for you to first cause his breakup, then refuse to let him inside your Ma's house so he has to come crawling here for a place to stay and then when you finally decide to return, you want him out. I thought you two were brothers" I sniffed for a dramatic effect.

"Since when do you care about rude? You should be thrilled about rude"

"Yes but he's been one of the roommates for some time and I happen to feel this responsibility as a fellow roommate to look after him. I'm a lovely rommate like that, I mean you should know!" I babbled away.

"Whatever. But we're running kind of short on shit to sleep on." He shrugged and exited the room again.

Oh, I have a perfectly nice bed that I'm willing to share, I thought with a smirk.
I stood up, believing it was a good time to gather my bones and escape this uncomfortable situation.


We made quick plans with Grace and Frank to meet up at this wallet-friendly asian restaurant for a hangover-friendly lunch. I thought I looked bad with my busted hand and unwashed face, hair tangled like a haystack, but I started to feel rather good about myself once I caught a glimpse of Grace walking in. Now she was a mess.

Her eyes were watery and dead looking, her skin sallow and dry, resembling chalky dry paper. She quickly put her sunglasses on which was fast becoming a trademark for her, showing that she was perfectly aware of what an awful sight she was.

I waved her over to the table I'd been reserving for the three of us, and she flashed a crooked smile as she walked my way.

"Rough night?" I chuckled

" 'spose I could ask you the same thing. But I already know the answer."

She sat next to me and grabbed the triangle made of carton that was placed on each table, on which they'd printed special offers and recommendations. After studying for a while, she threw it back seemingly displeased.

"There are never any special offers on drinks!"

"I reckon we came to eat." I mused and gave her a look.

She brushed some of the dirty blonde her out of her face and tapped her fingers on the surface of the table impatiently. There was some kind of an awkward silence starting to creep up on us, which came to me as a surprise, and I was rather relieved when Frank suddenly appared on the other side of the table.

"Mikes called" He announced.

"Yeah, he's back home now. We talked briefly before I came."

"Cool, cause he's pissed at you again." He shrugged.

"What? Again? What did I do? It's only been like half an hour!"

I can't believe this. Do I pursue a special talent in pissing people off unintentionally? I bet I could sit in a dark room, not doing anything or talking to anyone, and come out in a couple of days to find everyone mad at me for something I'd done or said. It was fucking crazy. I could propably cause a world war three without noticing. I frowned at the thought, debating on whether I should try and market and rent out my skills for great amounts of money or just lock myself up to save the human kind.

It came down to choosing between money and humanity and man, the choice was tough.
I snapped out of my thoughts as I heard Frank mention a name I wasn't surprised to hear on a topic like this.

"What was that, Frank?" I asked, not having heard a single word of what he'd been saying.

"Mikey got a phone call from Gerard. From jail. The dude threw a fit again, I swear he's going through some kind of severe meltdown. He refused to go get gee, and told me to tell you to take care of it cause it's obviously your fault." He chuckled.

I sighed. My fault, obviously.

"How am I supposed to go get him? I don't have a car. Nor a life insurance, so I can't drive there and back even if a car did pop out of the blue. Why can't he walk?"

"Well in all honesty, I think you do owe him a thank you for cutting short Nick's attempts to strangle you." Frank disagreed.

I opened my mouth to protest, but the waiter came over and we placed our orders. I went with fried noodles and shrimps cause I hadn't really had any time to give it any thought.
When the waiter left our table, I'd changed my mind about picking up Gerard.

I could go get him. I owed him a thank you. And due to my lack in social skills, my idea of a proper thank you would be just as personal as what I'd planned on doing as an apologize before, which I had kinda totally forgot about, by the way...

I would grab the van keys, drive to the police station and then take a longer route home.. A mischievous smile started to spread across my face as I thought over my newest plan to get the man's pants off, and I noticed Frank glaring me like he was able to read my mind.

"I think you're right. I should go. Mikey has the van..." I stated and dug into the bowl of noodles the waiter had brought over.

Grace gave me a slight nudge just under the table and I knew she was reading my mind, as well, and I resisted the urge to let out a laugh as I recalled the hand gestures she'd made in the backseat of Ray's car last night.

She stiffled a giggle beside me, and Frank's disapproving look grew more intense, until he finally pushed the dish away, rose and without uttering another word, walked to the door and left. I was half-way swallowing a shrimp when I stopped, realizing that, somehow, I had pissed off yet another friend of mine.

A low groan escaped my lips.

"He worries about you, that's all. I'll take care of the bill, I have a feeling you've somewhere to be" she smiled with a wink and as I rose, she handed me another pill from a plastic bag she dug out of her raggedy purse.

"It'll make it fabulous." She commented and I looked at her with a slightly freaked out expression, before turning over with the pill squeezed into my fist, debating whether I should just dump it in the first trashcan that I passed or save it for possible later use. Right now I was just ready to go drive the van and put my life at stake just to nail a guy that I disliked. When exactly did my life become so fucking strange?



* * *



Fifteen minutes later I found myself sitting in the van, outside the police station, uttering a few greatful prayers to some imaginary pagan god for letting me survive the car ride. The van itself was a considerable threat to my health and well-being, but with me driving I had to admit that I had all the ingredients of catastrophy mixed up and ready to be unleashed.
Yet, here I sat, panting as if I had performed a great physical act, resting my forehead on the steering wheel and afraid to get up just yet with legs this shaky and unsteady.

I cut off the engine and hopped out after a while, not really knowing what I was supposed to do or say. The main entrance seemed like a good way to start so I headed towards the heavy metal doors, and on to the desk before me.

"I'm here to pick up someone?" I stated unsurely.

The man behind the desk looked up.

"One of those unnerving young men, I hope" He smiled a little. I returned the smile, not really getting what he meant by unnvering. Not until I told him I was here to get a mister Way and he led me to a hall and I caught a glimpse of both Nick and Gerard through a see-through plastic wall, handcuffed and all, standing there looking angry as hell while the guard fumbled with the cell key.

I waved happily as our eyes met, only receiving a blunt look in return.

A man sat next to me, and as I looked up I recognized the greying, suit-wearing dude with a mustache that reminded me of the 19th century.

"Hi Mr.Bottani" I greeted awkwardly. "You here to pick up Nick?"

"Emily" he nodded curtly. Nick's dad obviously wasn't a huge fan of mine anymore. I don't think he ever was, though, but atleast he used to have the decency to pretend well.

"Yeah, see, the name is Em." I corrected a little annoyed with his formally cold manners.

"I doubt your parents named you Em?"

"They named me Emmie, actually, but that's kinda their fucking problem so you may just call me EM" I hissed and got up to meet Gerard by the door. I think they were done now, atleast the handcuffs had been displaced and the guard had finally found the right key to get the freaking door open. My heart caught a little as I saw Gerard's face from coser up, the sickly purplish bruises under his bloodshot, tender looking eye, and the busted lip with a few drops of a day old, dried blood on it.

"Hi" I said as the gap between us was no longer more than two feet. I felt a little guilty seeing him like that, and with Nick standing there on the other side of the transparent door glaring at me. I waved hastily to him, too, feeling a little stupid about all of this.

"Hey" He responded, his features softening as the guard let go of his arm and we stared at each other. I've no idea why, but I felt like laughing.

"Interesting night, huh?" He spoke with a smile on his lip so tiny that for a moment I wasn't sure whether I'd imagined it or not. But his eyes held a spark of amusement when I stole a glance at him, and I decided that he was in a good mood, rather than pissed off at me for everything that had happened.

"Ya bet" I said lifting up my bandaged hand to eye level. "I'm fairly sure Frank already came up with all the good ones about my skills in self-protection and aim so you can just drop whatever joke you were about to crack" I laughed a little.

"I don't think I'm in the right position to crack any jokes about the state of your hand... Like, with the state of my face" He chuckled as we walked back to the van. I let him hop in on the driver's side with gratitude and got up on shotgun instead.

"Let's drive around a little, ok? I kinda need to talk to you a bit." It was not even funny how nervous I was waiting for his response, it was as if I'd just asked him nicely to spend time with me and if he said no, there would be no way for me to save my face with any nasty remarks.

He took a quick look at me, and propably judged by my nervous face that it was something important (which it really wasn't, I just didn't want him to get rid of me just yet) and wordlessly kicked the gas pedal, sending the van flying forward.


"So.. Mikey moved back in this morning, which I suspect you already knew since you were at your mom's house last night?" I started.

"Well yeah but I didn't plan on staying there." He said while pulling out a cigarette with his lips from his worn out, soft marlboro pack.

"Mikey said he wants you out. I told him he was being rude." For some reason I felt a bit proud of myself for sticking up for the guy, and made sure to mention it.

"That's alright, I'll move out. Wasn't meant to be a temprorary solution to begin with.." He showed me a tiny, sincere smile.

I thought for a while. I had a strong feeling that coming out saying I wanted him to stay was propably a bad idea, but what else could I do? For reasons mostly unknown, I wanted him to stay put in the apartment no matter where Mikey was, and I hadn't been able to think of a way to trick him into staying so telling him how I felt about it was the only way to go.. But even the thought of saying it out loud was humiliating.

Feeling to insecure about all this, I decided to change the subject entirely.

"Thanks for last night, Gerard. Really, I mean it." My voice trailed off to a soft, slightly defiant whisper. I was never any good at this touchy feely stuff but I figured it was called for and I gave it my best shot.

"The shithead was choking you" He chuckled "You thought I would just stand there and enjoy the view?"

"I couldn't blame you if you did" I shrugged.

He gave me a look that told me to be serious.
"Then I would be a shithead, too"

"Sometimes you are a shithead" I noted with a smirk on my lips "And it's not like you haven't choked me as well" I added,
realizing the second the last word rolled off my tongue that it was definitely the wrong thing to say. Fearing his reaction, I peeked from under my lashes and was surprised to see him quietly laughing with the cigarette tightly in the corner of his mouth.

"You are one annoying little creature, Em" He chukled, shaking his messy head.

"That's almost a compliment, compared to what usually comes out of your mouth"

"You know what I would want to come out of your mouth?" He snapped back and I sat back and pursed my lips. Was he talking about what I thought he was talking about? I glanced out the window and realized he was driving toward New Jersey.

"Where are we going?" I inquired.

"Just drivin'. You said you wanted to talk. Though I still don't know what exactly it is you want to talk about. About my ass getting kicked out, about last night, or about you liking it rough?"

I inhaled the smoke that was starting to fill up the front cabin of the van, and found myself craving for a cigarette. Grabbing one and lighting it, I pondered for the second time during talking to Gerard whether I should tell him the truth or not. This time, I felt brave and cocky enough to go with the truth.

"All of them I guess. I don't want you to move out cause I strongly think that there's some unfinished business going on and you not having the balls to go all the way would be kind of a cowardly thing to do, ya'know, kind of gay. Which brings me the second thing I wanted to talk about. The entire fucking school knows you're gay Gerard, and you claim you don't know? Just spit it out and stop confusing me and turning me the fuck on if you plan on doing nothing about it!" I half yelled and turning my voice down to a murmur, added
"You crossdressing motherfucker.."

His face gave away nothing as he continued to drive completely silent and unmoved by anything I'd said. I sat quietly beside him, smoking and waiting for him to open his mouth.
I watched him take a turn after a turn that I knew would bring us closer to Belleville. Somehow, it was the last place I felt like going to at the moment, but I didn't protest. Eventually he pulled up by the high school and stared absentmindedly at the vacant school grounds.

"What you call crossdressing really has nothing to do with it." He finally blurted out, chuckling. "It was merely a test, at first, until I discovered the conveniences of dressing up like a girl. Then it became a funny little habit. I was just glad that I didn't have to be me all the time."

"I think crossdressing is a pretty big point to the gay team, Gerard." I disagreed, hopping out of the van. I walked over to the fence that separated the school yard from the pavement of one of the main roads of Belleville, leaning forward, letting all the memories of high school flood back.

I noticed soon that Gerard had crept up next to me, standing there with a face that matched mine.

"I hated this school" He stated.

I let out a sigh. So obviously he wasn't going to say anything more about what I'd blurted out earlier.

"So did I" I answered slowly.

"You had friends, though"

"Me? Dude what I had was enemies. I mean, not being a loner doesn't necessarily mean you've got friends." I laughed, but felt bad about not giving credit to the few friends I did have. "I mean alright, I had Mikey, he was always nice. But we weren't all that good friends in high school. He was younger, and we weren't exactly carved from the same piece of wood. Frank was the best friend I could ever hoped for, but this school doesn't hold memories of him. He went to that catholic all boys school down North."

Out of nowhere, Gerard turned to look at me and at last had decided to answer some of my questions.

"So like I said, the crossdressing has nothing to do with it. It was an experiement so just do me a favor and stop thinking about it. But yes, sometimes it worries me that I might be gay, sometimes it doesn't. I don't.. fucking... know.." He finished, punching the fence with each on of the last few words.

"I could help you find out" I breathed out, cocking an eyebrow and staring at him with a grin that I hoped was enough to disguise the self-consciousness I truly felt offering myself out like this.

He chuckled bitterly. "I think we both know that getting it up isn't the fucking problem. It's quite the opposite, really. Sex is great and effortless. But feelings.. The only time I've started to have feelings for someone, to even have a crush on someone, other than physically, I'm telling you it has not been a woman."

I thought about what he said, not knowing what was expected of me. To say something nice, something smart? Not one of my talents, really.

"...I guess your mind and your body want different things?" I mused.

"Yeah, I guess. But what does knowing that help? I can't have both." he stated the fact like it was the most ridiculous idea he'd ever heard of.

"Why not?" I challenged.

His eyes were on mine in an instant, studying my face as if he was trying really hard to figure me out. I kept my poker face on, letting him stare all he wanted. He wouldn't get inside my head if he tried all night.

Once again, he left me without an answer. I exhaled heavily as he turned away and started walking back to the van. I didn't want to leave just yet. The only time that it felt like life was worth living was either when drunk, high, or near Gerard. Being in his company wasn't easy, like being with my friends. It definitely wasn't comfortable and it wasn't natural and calming. Which is exactly why it made me feel like I was truly alive, breathing and feeling for the first time in I don't even no how long. Even if the feelings were for the most part negative, atleast it was something.
I guess it's true what they say, that life really does begin at the end of your comfort zone.

Seeing Gerard's hunched figure drag away somehow made me realize that the guy was way out of his, and it for sure as hell wasn't working out for him.

I hurried back to the car, trying to squeeze the urge to hug him out of my system.