FicWad

I lay there staring at the ceiling, the walls, and the clock as each minute slowly went by. Gerard’s heavy breathing as he slept next to me was the only thing keeping me from going insane. I’m not sure I could do this to him… did I make him do this? Did I make him love me or did I guilt trip him into coming back? I was beginning to get used to the idea of him moving on and I drowning in self-pity but he came back and claimed his love for me… am I happy? Can I live with myself while he’s with me and I’m jail bait?

“Mmm…” I heard Gerard starting to move. Shit, can he hear my thoughts? “Babe why are you still up”? He groggily asked me.

“I was just doing a little thinking. Sorry if I woke you.” I rolled closer to him as he threw his arm around my shoulder. I kissed his chest before attempting to let sleep take me.

So today is the day I move in with Gerard and attempt to have a normal life with him or either he attempts to have a normal life with me. He had already taken several boxes to his town home while I stayed behind to pack my last couple of boxes. By the time he got back to my apartment, or rather my mom’s apartment since it was in her name and she paid for it, it was around five in the afternoon.

“Is this the last one”? He had picked up the box that I never unpacked and had shoved under the bed when I first arrived here about a month ago. He came back inside and rocked by and forth with me in his arms as his chin rested over my head.

“Gee are you sure about this? I would totally understand if you said you never wanted to see me again,” I tried reasoning with him because I knew something was going to go horribly and he would be ripped away from me like everyone else in my life.

“Please stop asking me that. I want you with me, okay”? I just nodded. I lately felt like my throat was scratchy. I was wondering if I was coming down with a cold or something.

Several hours later I was almost moved in with Gerard. He had told me to put all of my things in the spare bedroom until he could make room in his closet and drawers. After unpacking all of my clothes and shoes, I had placed my feminine bathroom products in the space Gee had cleaned out for me in his master bathroom. I was happy to know that I wouldn’t be sleeping in the guest room but rather I would be sleeping with him and using his shower. We had lounged around on the couch, eating pizza he ordered in and watching whatever show he wanted to watch before I told him I had two more boxes to finish unpacking. He seemed pleased I was almost completely moved in with him.

I slid the biggest box towards me and unfolded the card board. Inside were a couple of my childhood playthings, books and my stuffed Simba my grandma had given to me when I was six. I just laughed at the items and realized I didn’t pack this box or put it in my car when I left North Carolina. I guess mama had put it in there when I wasn’t looking. In a way I’m glad she did, my childhood wasn’t great but it wasn’t awful. I had my granddaddy, my aunt and uncle and occasionally my mom. I spent every weekend with my Aunt Cindy and Uncle Jim and almost every night at my granddaddy’s because my mom wanted to get out of the house and away from my daddy.

I finished reminiscing in the past and opened the smaller box beside the other. The first thing I pulled out was a scrapbook that had my mom’s initials carved in the front cover. I was slowly flipping through the pages, which almost every page was of me and her or me and my dad when I was a baby up until I was around seven or eight. If I remember that would be the age I started to notice their fighting. I was still too young to understand when my daddy was putting me down and acting like I was a rag doll.

It was somewhere in the middle a yellow envelope slipped from the book. It looked fairly new and freshly sealed, not like it was from seventeen years ago. It was addressed to me but instead of my full name was... Chrysanthemum.

I shakily unsealed the sticky part of the fold and pulled out a thin piece of paper. It was folded in three places. I let my eyes wonder anywhere on the paper except for the words. I finally had to force my mind to stay still long enough to read it.

My baby girl,
Today is your seventeenth birthday. I can’t believe how fast the time has flown, you’re practically an adult. True I did spend most of my time drunk or passed out but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care or take the time to watch you grow into the beautiful young woman you are now. You will always be my little girl no matter where life takes you, who you meet, or what happens to me. I am writing this letter the day of your birthday but the timing is not right for you to read it. I am not sure when the time will be right but I’m not stupid, I am your mother and I know you’re leaving me soon. I understand your reasons and don’t worry about your old mama, I’m a fighter. Where else do you think you get it from?
Anyways, I think it’s time I brought up your… father. I got a call a few days ago from your Aunt Clarissa and Uncle Sam. Your dad’s health isn’t doing well. She asked how you were doing and wanted to know if we would be willing to come down and see them but I knew she meant him. I didn’t give her an answer but told her I would mention it to you and see what you thought or wanted to do, knowing your answer was going to be no. I am so sorry sweetheart. I don’t think I should have kept this from you by the time you read this which will be god knows when but I just couldn’t ruin what was going so good for you. I know you hate him, trust me I do too, but I think it would be good for you to take a trip down there for a couple of weeks with me. You don’t have to go see him but I know your aunt and uncle would love to see you. I am so sorry I have failed you as a mother and a friend. I tried everything I could to get you to talk but you wouldn’t budge. Now that stubborn attitude you got from your father. I put you on medication and I thought it was going great for you but I found a full bottle of your prescription in the trash can the other day. I can’t believe I have been so blind. I wish I could help you and I wish I could take the pain away but I just can’t.
I love you,
Mom[//]

I sat shaking as tears streamed down my face. I had dropped the letter to the ground after reading my dad has cancer and is probably going to die soon if he isn’t already dead. I can’t believe she let me go this long without telling me this. How could she? I was still for a moment and I tried to stand but I felt so weak.

“Chrys…” I didn’t turn around to look at Gerard as he walked in. “Chrys why are you crying”? He asked as he saw my tear stained cheeks and blood shot eyes. I didn’t dare look up at him but kept my eyes glued to the paper that lay in front of me. He kneeled down and picked it up. He read the letter for what seemed like forever, I never even watched his facial expressions as he read, which normally I would.

“Oh god! Chrys… I… I don’t… shit,” he was speechless once again but dropped it and pulled me onto his lap. As soon as his hands touched me I lost all sanity and let the tears shoot out uncontrollably.

“Oh god Gerard. What… should… I do”? I just held onto him for dear life as he let me use his shirt once again as a tissue. “Why does… does this always… happen to me”? I just didn’t understand. Everything was so great after he left. I was finally happy.

“Sh, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. You just let it out.” He cooed me and stroked my hair. I was slowly beginning to become drained mentally, emotionally and physically. He stood with me in his arms and walked around the staircase to his bedroom. He placed me beneath the covers and began to walk away.

“Gee”? I sat up a little bit and rubbed my eyes. “Don’t leave…” I needed him to hold me and love me.

“I’m just going to cut the lights off downstairs and lock the door. I’m coming back,” he looked at me with broken eyes. I let a few stray tears escape and lay back down as he closed the door. I tried to stay awake but my eyes wouldn’t allow me to.

Gerard’s P.O.V.
Fuck. I don’t know what to do. She is an abused child and the man that abused her, his health is being eaten alive. Shit. Think Gerard, think. There is only so much I can say to her because I have no fucking idea what she has been through. I was really starting to get a headache so I did what I told Chrys I was going to do and then made my way back up stairs. I took a couple of aspirins that I had in the guest bathroom. I was just about to walk into our bedroom when I heard what sounded like a phone ringing downstairs. I slowly went back down the stairs and looked around everywhere before seeing a light shining from behind the lounge chair. I bent over and picked it up seeing “mom” light up on the screen. This must be Chrysanthemum’s phone. Should I answer it? Maybe I should just let it go to voicemail. There were a few words I wanted to say to this woman that Chrys shouldn’t hear but could I butt in?

“Hello”? I answered it and didn’t listen to what my head told me to do.

“Who is this”? I heard a woman reply.

“This is Gerard, Chrys’ boyfriend. Who is this”? I calmly said back.

“The ‘Gerard’? I have heard so much about you. I’m Chrys mother. Which why isn’t she answering her phone? I’ve tried calling her several times,” her mother sounded flustered like something was wrong.

“Yes, I guess I am the ‘Gerard’. You sound anxious, is everything okay”? I could hear the anxiety in her voice just like in Chrys’s.

“Gerard what do you know about my daughter? Has she told you things”? Shit, I really didn’t want to get into this right now but what the hell.

“Um, Mrs. Oakeson… Chrys just read a letter. I’m not sure where this letter came from but she looked like the ghost of Christmas Past when I found her. What’s going on”? I figured if Chrys wouldn’t let me in maybe her mom would.

“Shit. Gerard I can’t believe I sent that letter with her. I am a god awful mother. Is she okay? Shit, did she have another panic attack? Where are her pills”? Damn this woman is just like her daughter.

“Mrs. Oakeson, please calm down. I put her in bed. She seems really upset and I do believe she had a panic attack because my brother and I suffer from them too. As for the pills I have no idea what pills you’re talking about. Chrys has never mentioned medications to me,” I said as slowly as possible.

“Please call me Suzanne. I’m sorry Gerard I’m just… I don’t,” Shit she sounds like she is crying.

“Oh please don’t cry”. I don’t think I can handle anymore crying tonight.

“Sorry. How could I let her leave Gerard? She is just a child. I hate myself for this,” she started to calm down a little bit.

“She is just a child for a few more months but she can handle herself. She is strong and smart. I have faith in her” I wasn’t sure how to go about it but this is her mother that probably, well that does know her daughter better than anyone.

“Gerard, I know about the age difference. I just want you to know I am okay with it and I gave consent to my daughter years ago that if she finds someone who truly makes her happy then let all inhibition fly out the door.”

I couldn’t believe my own ears. Chrys told her mother about me being thirty? Shit now her mom is going to think I am some kind of pedophile or freak lusting after young kittens.

“I assure you I would never hurt your daughter Suzanne. I… um… I love her.”

I haven’t said those three words out loud to anyone but Chrys in the past twenty four hours.

“I know that you do honey. I know my daughter really loves you too. Hey, Chrysanthemum’s father and I were 20 years apart in age. That is why I think I should give you a little background information on her because if I know her like I think I do she will never open up and tell you herself.”

Shit I don’t know if I can handle any more surprises right now.

“Wow. I take it his health is going downhill because of age then”? I had to ask.

“I had Chrysanthemum when I was 25, you do the math. So yes it’s just nature taking its course. God I hate the man”.

“I just want to help her.” What if Chrys hates me when I get to be a much older man?

“Chrysanthemum has a genetic imbalance that gives her an unstable mentality and unstable emotions. Basically she suffers from bi-polar syndrome. I do, my mom does and my two sisters. It runs in the family. Are you following me”?

“Yes. I read in that letter something about you found her prescription in the trash can. I’m guessing those would be for anxiety”? I asked.

“She is on… well is supposed to be taking Prozac, but I doubt she has been taking them,” she said with annoyance in her voice.

“I don’t think she has. But I think I’m going to make her an appointment with my therapist and see if we can get her some other medication. I just want to see her get better Suzanne,” I sincerely offered, well stated because I am technically her legal guardian now. I can’t believe I just said those words out loud.

“Thank you Gerard. Now about her dad…” I had to stop her there.

“I’m going to talk to her and see what she says with a clear head in the morning. I will make sure she gives you a call.”

“Thank you. Goodnight Gerard.” She hung up the phone before I had a chance to say anything more.