Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Maybe Together We Can Live
Chapter 5
Gerards pov
(he is still asleep this is his dream)
The next day we got up and played another concert although this time I did not walk over to kiss Frank and he did not walk over to kiss me we stayed apart the whole time and then when the concert ended we all walked back onto the bus. Sitting on the couch in the back they all talked casually, while I sat there silent.
It went on like that for a pretty long time until Ray and Mikey confronted me, Frank sat to the side knowing why I was acting the way I was, “Gerard what’s wrong?” Ray started
I mumble, “nothing”
Mikey cuts in, “Gerard you hardly talk to any of us now what happened?”
Ray asks frantically, “Are you drinking again?”
I sigh and say, “No I am not I’ve been perfectly sober this whole time even though I really just want to sit back with the comfort of a beer in my hand, let me tell you how badly I want that drink but no I haven’t and I wont, I’m not going to ruin my whole fucking life again, yes something happened, but I wont tell you, okay it’s none of your business I just need sometime to myself.”
I walk off the bus before they can say something else, I walk down to a convince store and as I walk through the store I see a large section of alcohol and start walking towards it when I shake my head almost to clear my thoughts I can’t and won’t go down that path again, that depressing path that almost led to my death, I have a family that can’t happen again. I walk up to the counter and but a pack of cigarettes, I quit smoking when Bandit was born, but having one every so often on tour is not that bad, I can control it and by my standards smoking is a lot better than drinking. I step outside and light it up inhaling deeply immediately feeling relaxed, I throw the box out knowing I can only let myself have one because two could easily become three and three could quickly become the whole box.
I walk a slow pace in no rush to get back to the bus, I can’t explain why I feel this way and I can’t explain what this feeling is, it’s as if even though Frank and I weren’t together together its still like we broke up. It’s like by kissing on stage and having such a close friendship we were together just without the sex, and the thing is I want to have sex with him and if we got carried away the kissing would lead to sex, which would then in turn tear both our families apart.
The thing I’m most afraid of is that since this feels so much like a break up that’s what it will become. Its too hard to be around him being so close to him but not actually be able to be with him, knowing that we could have been together, knowing he feels the same way, but never being able to act on the love and passion. This very pain I feel around him, I’m afraid I wont be able to live with it in return pushing Frank out of my life trying to find happiness with out him because being his friend brings me happiness but the pain I feel around him over powers the friendship. I have no clue what will happen from here and that scares me, because I don’t want to live without Frank although at the same time I can’t live with him and if I can’t live with him what will happen to the band.
I used to be scared of dying, then I was scared of living because the life I was living was so heavily influenced by drugs and alcohol I could not feel all the love around me, and after that my fears faded away still being scared of dying, not wanting to leave my loved one, and still slightly afraid of living because you never know what could happen. And now I am afraid of the future, I’m not afraid of dying because death is apart of life, and I’m not afraid of living because if I was dead I wouldn’t be able to feel love, but the future holds both life and death, pain, misery, sadness, failure, love, hate, happiness, it’s not so much I’m scared of those things in the future I’m just afraid that I will not be able to handle them afraid that I could destroy my life with one sip, one word, one action, one anything, anything could ruin my life and my family, the future holds dangers that I’m not sure how to handle because I live in the present not the future, although some might say if you think too much about the future you stop living in the present.
I slowly started to talking to everyone again except for Frank and I distanced myself as much as I could. Then came that day Ray and Mikey got sick of me not talking to him and him complaining about me not talking to him because he would try to talk to me I would speak as little as I could he would complain then get mad. So they locked us onto the bus together and said kiss and make up, very poor word choice.
Frank asks in a sad voice “Gerard why won’t you talk to me?”
I sigh and turn to him, “Frank you know why”
He starts getting angry, “It’s not like we were together and dating and shit it was just some fun and so what if we have old feeling for each other we both have families and we both understand why it had to stop so I don’t get why its such a big fucking deal to you,” hes more than angry almost furious, “I mean Really Gerard you’re the one who broke it off in the first place so just get over it already.” That hurt a lot, I feel tears fall down my face and I turn away from him not wanting him to see me cry, “Gerard don’t do this don’t shut me out” Then I break I turn to him looking for the emotions on his face when he sees what he did to me, he looks sad and angry but not at me at himself, “Gee I’m s”
“No Frank, okay you obviously don’t understand, it hurts me physically, mentally and emotionally to be around you, every time you smile, I want to kiss you, every time you frown I want to make you smile, every time I see you sitting there silent I want to know the thoughts going through your head, just everything about you.” I run my hands through my hair then continue, “It’s you Frank, you hurt me, you don’t get it you don’t understand how it feels, I love you so fucking much and every time we sit there acting like best friends it hurts because I don’t want to be your fucking best friend, do you know that moment when you you pass an ice cream shop and you wouldn’t bother to ask your mom knowing she would say no, then later that night you say something about wanting ice cream and your mom simply would reply with you should have asked for it when we were there, and that emotion you feel somewhat regret mixed with self hate, well that’s what I feel right know cause we could have been together and its too late. So you ask me why I’m acting like its such a big deal because it is, honestly I could careless about the kissing Frank, it’s the realization that we are playing these roles and at some point they became real and now it just stops, and it hurts. I can’t talk to or be in the same room as you without feeling this immense pain, this regret, this self-hate, being around you talking to you, it makes me hate my self.”
I’m out of breath and I have to get out of here, “Gerard I”
“No I I have to leave I’m sorry Frank I just I can’t” then I run to the door of the bus trying to open it but its locked I knock hard and repetitively until they open the door by then I’m sobbing, as the bus door opens I fall to the ground crying.
Mikey quickly pull me into his arms and asks, “What’s wrong Gerard? What happened?”
Between sobs I choke out, “I’m sorry Mikey I just I can’t, I’m sorry”
The tour went on and most of the time Frank wouldn’t try to talk to me, although the times he did we just got in screaming matches which left us both crying and kept Mikey and Ray in constant confusion in the whole mess Frank and I had decided we could never speak about this to anyone cause if our families found out we don’t know what could happen.
We did one more tour after that, but I had lost my way it didn’t feel the same to be on stage and sing, I no longer enjoyed it, I used to go on stage and know exactly who I was but when I went on stage then I felt more lost than I ever have, it just felt wrong. Everyone in the band started drifting after that Frank and I had lost contact completely; I didn’t even know he had a son until Ray told me. Then a year later we all came together and decided it was time, I could tell none of us wanted to end it because this band had become part of us we carried this band in our soul for 12 years and to end it would be like pulling a family apart. We decided to give the fans one last album that we would let out slowly for the rest of the year two songs each month, then at the end of those five months march 22nd 2013 we released a paragraph on our website saying the band was over. It broke my heart to see our fans in such despair but I couldn’t turn back time.
Gerards pov
(he is still asleep this is his dream)
The next day we got up and played another concert although this time I did not walk over to kiss Frank and he did not walk over to kiss me we stayed apart the whole time and then when the concert ended we all walked back onto the bus. Sitting on the couch in the back they all talked casually, while I sat there silent.
It went on like that for a pretty long time until Ray and Mikey confronted me, Frank sat to the side knowing why I was acting the way I was, “Gerard what’s wrong?” Ray started
I mumble, “nothing”
Mikey cuts in, “Gerard you hardly talk to any of us now what happened?”
Ray asks frantically, “Are you drinking again?”
I sigh and say, “No I am not I’ve been perfectly sober this whole time even though I really just want to sit back with the comfort of a beer in my hand, let me tell you how badly I want that drink but no I haven’t and I wont, I’m not going to ruin my whole fucking life again, yes something happened, but I wont tell you, okay it’s none of your business I just need sometime to myself.”
I walk off the bus before they can say something else, I walk down to a convince store and as I walk through the store I see a large section of alcohol and start walking towards it when I shake my head almost to clear my thoughts I can’t and won’t go down that path again, that depressing path that almost led to my death, I have a family that can’t happen again. I walk up to the counter and but a pack of cigarettes, I quit smoking when Bandit was born, but having one every so often on tour is not that bad, I can control it and by my standards smoking is a lot better than drinking. I step outside and light it up inhaling deeply immediately feeling relaxed, I throw the box out knowing I can only let myself have one because two could easily become three and three could quickly become the whole box.
I walk a slow pace in no rush to get back to the bus, I can’t explain why I feel this way and I can’t explain what this feeling is, it’s as if even though Frank and I weren’t together together its still like we broke up. It’s like by kissing on stage and having such a close friendship we were together just without the sex, and the thing is I want to have sex with him and if we got carried away the kissing would lead to sex, which would then in turn tear both our families apart.
The thing I’m most afraid of is that since this feels so much like a break up that’s what it will become. Its too hard to be around him being so close to him but not actually be able to be with him, knowing that we could have been together, knowing he feels the same way, but never being able to act on the love and passion. This very pain I feel around him, I’m afraid I wont be able to live with it in return pushing Frank out of my life trying to find happiness with out him because being his friend brings me happiness but the pain I feel around him over powers the friendship. I have no clue what will happen from here and that scares me, because I don’t want to live without Frank although at the same time I can’t live with him and if I can’t live with him what will happen to the band.
I used to be scared of dying, then I was scared of living because the life I was living was so heavily influenced by drugs and alcohol I could not feel all the love around me, and after that my fears faded away still being scared of dying, not wanting to leave my loved one, and still slightly afraid of living because you never know what could happen. And now I am afraid of the future, I’m not afraid of dying because death is apart of life, and I’m not afraid of living because if I was dead I wouldn’t be able to feel love, but the future holds both life and death, pain, misery, sadness, failure, love, hate, happiness, it’s not so much I’m scared of those things in the future I’m just afraid that I will not be able to handle them afraid that I could destroy my life with one sip, one word, one action, one anything, anything could ruin my life and my family, the future holds dangers that I’m not sure how to handle because I live in the present not the future, although some might say if you think too much about the future you stop living in the present.
I slowly started to talking to everyone again except for Frank and I distanced myself as much as I could. Then came that day Ray and Mikey got sick of me not talking to him and him complaining about me not talking to him because he would try to talk to me I would speak as little as I could he would complain then get mad. So they locked us onto the bus together and said kiss and make up, very poor word choice.
Frank asks in a sad voice “Gerard why won’t you talk to me?”
I sigh and turn to him, “Frank you know why”
He starts getting angry, “It’s not like we were together and dating and shit it was just some fun and so what if we have old feeling for each other we both have families and we both understand why it had to stop so I don’t get why its such a big fucking deal to you,” hes more than angry almost furious, “I mean Really Gerard you’re the one who broke it off in the first place so just get over it already.” That hurt a lot, I feel tears fall down my face and I turn away from him not wanting him to see me cry, “Gerard don’t do this don’t shut me out” Then I break I turn to him looking for the emotions on his face when he sees what he did to me, he looks sad and angry but not at me at himself, “Gee I’m s”
“No Frank, okay you obviously don’t understand, it hurts me physically, mentally and emotionally to be around you, every time you smile, I want to kiss you, every time you frown I want to make you smile, every time I see you sitting there silent I want to know the thoughts going through your head, just everything about you.” I run my hands through my hair then continue, “It’s you Frank, you hurt me, you don’t get it you don’t understand how it feels, I love you so fucking much and every time we sit there acting like best friends it hurts because I don’t want to be your fucking best friend, do you know that moment when you you pass an ice cream shop and you wouldn’t bother to ask your mom knowing she would say no, then later that night you say something about wanting ice cream and your mom simply would reply with you should have asked for it when we were there, and that emotion you feel somewhat regret mixed with self hate, well that’s what I feel right know cause we could have been together and its too late. So you ask me why I’m acting like its such a big deal because it is, honestly I could careless about the kissing Frank, it’s the realization that we are playing these roles and at some point they became real and now it just stops, and it hurts. I can’t talk to or be in the same room as you without feeling this immense pain, this regret, this self-hate, being around you talking to you, it makes me hate my self.”
I’m out of breath and I have to get out of here, “Gerard I”
“No I I have to leave I’m sorry Frank I just I can’t” then I run to the door of the bus trying to open it but its locked I knock hard and repetitively until they open the door by then I’m sobbing, as the bus door opens I fall to the ground crying.
Mikey quickly pull me into his arms and asks, “What’s wrong Gerard? What happened?”
Between sobs I choke out, “I’m sorry Mikey I just I can’t, I’m sorry”
The tour went on and most of the time Frank wouldn’t try to talk to me, although the times he did we just got in screaming matches which left us both crying and kept Mikey and Ray in constant confusion in the whole mess Frank and I had decided we could never speak about this to anyone cause if our families found out we don’t know what could happen.
We did one more tour after that, but I had lost my way it didn’t feel the same to be on stage and sing, I no longer enjoyed it, I used to go on stage and know exactly who I was but when I went on stage then I felt more lost than I ever have, it just felt wrong. Everyone in the band started drifting after that Frank and I had lost contact completely; I didn’t even know he had a son until Ray told me. Then a year later we all came together and decided it was time, I could tell none of us wanted to end it because this band had become part of us we carried this band in our soul for 12 years and to end it would be like pulling a family apart. We decided to give the fans one last album that we would let out slowly for the rest of the year two songs each month, then at the end of those five months march 22nd 2013 we released a paragraph on our website saying the band was over. It broke my heart to see our fans in such despair but I couldn’t turn back time.
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