FicWad

REACTION FORMATION

I grew up in this super religious Catholic household. From the time I was a young child, I was taught many things. Among the most important, besides obeying God, and praying daily, and never having sex until you were married and seeking children, was that homosexuality was the ultimate sin, and for the longest time, I believed it.

I also believed that I was straight.

But then, around the time I hit puberty, I started to see girls differently. And when I say differently, I mean in a dramatic way, as in sexually attractive different. Of course, I didn't understand why, considering the background I had been raised with, and the views that had been put into my head, that I went along with and supported as much as a kid could.

And since I was still living with my parents, I obviously couldn't come out and tell them all these feelings I was having. Instead of being told that it was ok or something like that, I'd be told that I was going straight to Hell, and that I was a freak, and that they were disappointed in ever having me. And it wasn't like I had anyone outside of the family that I could talk to about it, due to pretty much every one in this small town sharing the same narrow minded beliefs. So I learned to pretend.

In my mind, I knew that I liked women, and that men were about as attractive as my coffee mug. It's the same feeling you get for someone of the same sex if you're straight. They might be decent looking, the same way you might say another girl looks pretty, or another guy looks buff, but to consider them as a romantic partner? I'll pass, thanks. But as I was saying, I knew that I liked women, but I couldn't say that to just about anyone who lived in this town, because it would instantly mark me as messed up in the head, and that I was flawed, and something was wrong with me.

But to the outside world, I made it seem like I was straight. Dated guys, even though I had no interest in them. Said that I only saw girls as friends, nothing more. Did my best not to stare in the locker room at the other changing girls in there. But above all, when the topic of homosexuality came up, I immediately jumped in and spewed statements about how immoral and wrong it was. I put up a perfect front, and made it seem like I was the perfect Catholic girl. Yet, inside, I never forgot my true feelings.

Maybe I should have, because over the past 5 or so years of me feeling this way, and hiding it, it's gotten to be too much for me to handle. I'm sick of always having to put out this fake personality to everyone so that I can survive here. Of course, I'll have to make this look like an accident, so my parents don't have to bear the shame of having a child who went to Hell because of suicide.

Mere weeks after this little episode, Sandra walked out into the middle of the road and was promptly struck and killed. It appeared that the stress of maintaining her fake personality was too much for her to handle. Her thoughts and feelings were unacceptable for the place that she lived in, so for her to be able to survive there, she created a more 'acceptable' set of thoughts and feelings that she displayed to the world. To psychologists, this is called Reaction Formation. To her, it caused her too much heartache.