Categories > Celebrities > 30 Seconds to Mars > The Secret is Out
The moonlight lit dimly the large room through the wall-length window. It bounced off of Jared’s skin, trying to cheer him up, trying to tell him he was still alive, even though he didn’t feel alive at all.
Glancing up to the clock above the chimney, he saw it was nearly five in the morning. He was sleepless, like the other nights before. He didn’t know what day it was or how long had passed since his outburst at Shannon. And he didn’t care either.
This was his life now. He slept at day, all day, and stayed up all night, torturing himself thinking about her. He didn’t eat, he didn’t bathe, he didn’t even grab his guitar to let all his feeling come out in the form of musical notes, like he had done long ago. A time that now seemed so far away. The only thing he did was sneak into the night to sit at his living room and drink his feelings away. He tried to drown the memory of her in alcohol and tears, but they only seemed to make it stronger. The memories wouldn’t go away, not until he stopped grasping onto her and let her go. The thing is he didn’t want to let her go. She had been way too good for him to let her go just yet. He wasn’t ready to let her go, and he didn’t know how to move on either.
With the fourth bottle of liquor empty, he slowly fell asleep, the dawn peeking in through the window slowly in yellow streaks. The memories, the feelings, they were all too much for him to bear. Alcohol didn’t work anymore to help him forget about all the things that hurt him. Sleep was his only way out, his only escape to the things he didn’t want to feel. So when sleep made a visit, he gladly welcomed it in and let it take complete control over him. And more than once, he had hoped it would never go away from him so he wouldn’t have to wake up the next day. But it always walked away, leaving him alone to face the harsh reality on his own.
“Jared,” a thick voice called, the breath hitting Jared in the face. “Jared, wake up.”
The blue-eyed scrunched up his nose in discomfort as he stirred in the couch, trying to pull a non-existent cover over his head. When he noticed it was useless, he opened his eyes slowly to see a worried Shannon in front of him.
A smile spread across his big brother’s face when Jared’s eyes came open. A sigh of relief left his throat.
“Thank God you’re okay.” His brother exclaimed.
Jared slowly sat up on the couch, his head spinning and the sunlight piercing through his eyes. The taste of alcohol and tears was still on his tongue and the memories came rushing back to him, like they had been waiting all along until he finally woke up. What an annoying way to start the day, if he only cared.
“There’s nothing to be thankful for.” Jared replied, his voice raspy from the mixture of alcohol and tears. A stinging pain shot through his head, making him hiss. He brought both his hands to his head, massaging his temples with the tips of his fingers on an attempt to ease the pain.
Shannon decided to ignore the poisonous comment as he stood up and got his brother some water and pills. He sat on the coffee table, in front of Jared, and handed over the glass of water and the couple of aspirin to his hung-over brother. It looked like they had switched roles. Jared had never been one to drink, not more than half of a glass at least. He believed the body was a sacred temple and alcohol, among other things, could destroy it. Shannon, on the other hand, liked to drink a lot, he liked to party and all the consequences —good or bad— that it brought. He had changed though. He still drank, but he took things more seriously than before. He had grown up. And Jared was proud of him, or had been, when he was still able to see the world outside the depression that was swallowing him up.
Now Jared was a drunken mess and Shannon was there to clean up the disasters he made. But he couldn’t clean up the disaster his soul had become. He missed his brother. He missed the sound that constantly would come from the Lab, he missed seeing him with his guitar and play whatever song would come to his mind like it was the easiest thing in the world. He missed the joy, the shine, the light that once was upon that house, upon Jared.
All of that was gone now, lost. It all seemed liked a fantasy that had always been in his mind. Still, Shannon believed things would go back to normal. He believed that the true Jared would come out to the surface to bury this numb Jared that had taken his place. He believed it. He had to believe it. Otherwise, he would go as mad as Jared.
“You need help, Jay.” Shannon stated, not giving room to any complaint. Jared swallowed the pills with a grimace. Hopefully that would do the job. “You’ve been sunk into this sick depression for months. You numb the world out with alcohol. What’s next? What happens when alcohol isn’t enough anymore, huh? Drugs?” Shannon raised his eyebrow, waiting for an answer.
“I’ve thought of it.” Jared said with an indifferent shrug, almost mocking him. “I was using sleep and alcohol to escape, but drugs don’t sound as bad now.” He said, slumping back against the cushions. He looked so detached, like he didn’t care what happened around him or to him.
Shannon shook his head and a sigh escaped his mouth. He looked into Jared’s blue eyes, a plea laced through his gaze and that’s when something snapped inside Jared. His older brother looked tired. He looked like he was carrying a heavy weight on his shoulders; Jared’s weight. He looked sad. Was it all because of him? Had he really done this to his brother? The only person who had been there by his side when everything fell apart?
Sitting upright, and the detached expression escaping his features, he looked into Shannon’s hazel eyes. He felt guilty for having put all that burden on his shoulders.
“Shannon, I…” but he stopped; the knot of tears forming in his throat didn’t let him continue.
“Dammit, man!” Shannon snapped at him. “It’s been months, Jared, months! You have to get out of this. I know you can.” He nearly yelled at his baby brother, who was on the verge of tears. “But I’m not too sure you want to.” He muttered.
Jared stared at his brother. There were so many things Shannon didn’t know, like how the idea of ending his life had crossed his mind thousands of times. He had locked up that in his mind, afraid that if he ever admitted such horrible thing, he would be locked up in some mental institution. But he knew Shannon deserved to know what was going on in the depths of his mind. And he trusted him enough to tell him the truth.
“There’re times,” he began, his voice thick with emotion. “There are times that I come down here and get lost myself in alcohol until slumber takes over me. And I wish I didn’t wake up the next day. I wish slumber stayed with me forever so I don’t have to face the reality again.” He stopped, the tears making a wet trail down his cheeks.
Shannon gulped as he felt the stinging of tears in his eyes, threatening to fall down his cheeks. “Jared—“
“You’re right, Shannon.” The blue-eyed interrupted him. “I don’t want to get out of this. I’ve become way too accustomed to the pain and memories that I can’t see a way out and I don’t care to look for one either. I do need help, but I don’t bother to seek for it because I don’t want help. I don’t want to be saved.” He shrugged; a light movement that announced he had given up long ago.
“You can’t do this.” Shannon pleaded, a tear rolling from the corner of his eye. “You can’t just throw everything out the window for some chick. What about the band, the tours, The Echelon? What about all the things that made you happy, that made you feel alive before she even got into your life? She’s not everything Jared, she shouldn’t be everything. You weren’t everything to her, why should she to you?” Shannon exclaimed, tears streaming down his cheeks. “Jared, please.” The big brother pleaded desperately. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He didn’t know how to get to the Jared underneath the surface. He didn’t know if he was even listening, but he prayed he was. He prayed hard that he was or else he would go insane.
Glancing up to the clock above the chimney, he saw it was nearly five in the morning. He was sleepless, like the other nights before. He didn’t know what day it was or how long had passed since his outburst at Shannon. And he didn’t care either.
This was his life now. He slept at day, all day, and stayed up all night, torturing himself thinking about her. He didn’t eat, he didn’t bathe, he didn’t even grab his guitar to let all his feeling come out in the form of musical notes, like he had done long ago. A time that now seemed so far away. The only thing he did was sneak into the night to sit at his living room and drink his feelings away. He tried to drown the memory of her in alcohol and tears, but they only seemed to make it stronger. The memories wouldn’t go away, not until he stopped grasping onto her and let her go. The thing is he didn’t want to let her go. She had been way too good for him to let her go just yet. He wasn’t ready to let her go, and he didn’t know how to move on either.
With the fourth bottle of liquor empty, he slowly fell asleep, the dawn peeking in through the window slowly in yellow streaks. The memories, the feelings, they were all too much for him to bear. Alcohol didn’t work anymore to help him forget about all the things that hurt him. Sleep was his only way out, his only escape to the things he didn’t want to feel. So when sleep made a visit, he gladly welcomed it in and let it take complete control over him. And more than once, he had hoped it would never go away from him so he wouldn’t have to wake up the next day. But it always walked away, leaving him alone to face the harsh reality on his own.
“Jared,” a thick voice called, the breath hitting Jared in the face. “Jared, wake up.”
The blue-eyed scrunched up his nose in discomfort as he stirred in the couch, trying to pull a non-existent cover over his head. When he noticed it was useless, he opened his eyes slowly to see a worried Shannon in front of him.
A smile spread across his big brother’s face when Jared’s eyes came open. A sigh of relief left his throat.
“Thank God you’re okay.” His brother exclaimed.
Jared slowly sat up on the couch, his head spinning and the sunlight piercing through his eyes. The taste of alcohol and tears was still on his tongue and the memories came rushing back to him, like they had been waiting all along until he finally woke up. What an annoying way to start the day, if he only cared.
“There’s nothing to be thankful for.” Jared replied, his voice raspy from the mixture of alcohol and tears. A stinging pain shot through his head, making him hiss. He brought both his hands to his head, massaging his temples with the tips of his fingers on an attempt to ease the pain.
Shannon decided to ignore the poisonous comment as he stood up and got his brother some water and pills. He sat on the coffee table, in front of Jared, and handed over the glass of water and the couple of aspirin to his hung-over brother. It looked like they had switched roles. Jared had never been one to drink, not more than half of a glass at least. He believed the body was a sacred temple and alcohol, among other things, could destroy it. Shannon, on the other hand, liked to drink a lot, he liked to party and all the consequences —good or bad— that it brought. He had changed though. He still drank, but he took things more seriously than before. He had grown up. And Jared was proud of him, or had been, when he was still able to see the world outside the depression that was swallowing him up.
Now Jared was a drunken mess and Shannon was there to clean up the disasters he made. But he couldn’t clean up the disaster his soul had become. He missed his brother. He missed the sound that constantly would come from the Lab, he missed seeing him with his guitar and play whatever song would come to his mind like it was the easiest thing in the world. He missed the joy, the shine, the light that once was upon that house, upon Jared.
All of that was gone now, lost. It all seemed liked a fantasy that had always been in his mind. Still, Shannon believed things would go back to normal. He believed that the true Jared would come out to the surface to bury this numb Jared that had taken his place. He believed it. He had to believe it. Otherwise, he would go as mad as Jared.
“You need help, Jay.” Shannon stated, not giving room to any complaint. Jared swallowed the pills with a grimace. Hopefully that would do the job. “You’ve been sunk into this sick depression for months. You numb the world out with alcohol. What’s next? What happens when alcohol isn’t enough anymore, huh? Drugs?” Shannon raised his eyebrow, waiting for an answer.
“I’ve thought of it.” Jared said with an indifferent shrug, almost mocking him. “I was using sleep and alcohol to escape, but drugs don’t sound as bad now.” He said, slumping back against the cushions. He looked so detached, like he didn’t care what happened around him or to him.
Shannon shook his head and a sigh escaped his mouth. He looked into Jared’s blue eyes, a plea laced through his gaze and that’s when something snapped inside Jared. His older brother looked tired. He looked like he was carrying a heavy weight on his shoulders; Jared’s weight. He looked sad. Was it all because of him? Had he really done this to his brother? The only person who had been there by his side when everything fell apart?
Sitting upright, and the detached expression escaping his features, he looked into Shannon’s hazel eyes. He felt guilty for having put all that burden on his shoulders.
“Shannon, I…” but he stopped; the knot of tears forming in his throat didn’t let him continue.
“Dammit, man!” Shannon snapped at him. “It’s been months, Jared, months! You have to get out of this. I know you can.” He nearly yelled at his baby brother, who was on the verge of tears. “But I’m not too sure you want to.” He muttered.
Jared stared at his brother. There were so many things Shannon didn’t know, like how the idea of ending his life had crossed his mind thousands of times. He had locked up that in his mind, afraid that if he ever admitted such horrible thing, he would be locked up in some mental institution. But he knew Shannon deserved to know what was going on in the depths of his mind. And he trusted him enough to tell him the truth.
“There’re times,” he began, his voice thick with emotion. “There are times that I come down here and get lost myself in alcohol until slumber takes over me. And I wish I didn’t wake up the next day. I wish slumber stayed with me forever so I don’t have to face the reality again.” He stopped, the tears making a wet trail down his cheeks.
Shannon gulped as he felt the stinging of tears in his eyes, threatening to fall down his cheeks. “Jared—“
“You’re right, Shannon.” The blue-eyed interrupted him. “I don’t want to get out of this. I’ve become way too accustomed to the pain and memories that I can’t see a way out and I don’t care to look for one either. I do need help, but I don’t bother to seek for it because I don’t want help. I don’t want to be saved.” He shrugged; a light movement that announced he had given up long ago.
“You can’t do this.” Shannon pleaded, a tear rolling from the corner of his eye. “You can’t just throw everything out the window for some chick. What about the band, the tours, The Echelon? What about all the things that made you happy, that made you feel alive before she even got into your life? She’s not everything Jared, she shouldn’t be everything. You weren’t everything to her, why should she to you?” Shannon exclaimed, tears streaming down his cheeks. “Jared, please.” The big brother pleaded desperately. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He didn’t know how to get to the Jared underneath the surface. He didn’t know if he was even listening, but he prayed he was. He prayed hard that he was or else he would go insane.
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