Categories > TV > Law & Order: SVU > My World
My World
Disclaimer: I don't own them but I'm suing for custody on the grounds that separating them is cruel.
A/N: Ok so I watched "Fault" and I just had to do this. I know that everyone is writing these but that's because it was such an awesome episode! So if you take the time to read this I hope you enjoy.
Spoilers: "Fault" (no kidding)
He tossed his keys on the counter as he fell into a chair and flipped the TV on, such normal actions to conclude such an abnormal day. A gun had been held to his head, he should be a lot more shaken up than he was. The truth of the matter was that during the whole ordeal all he had thought to himself was 'take the shot so you can get out of this alive'.
She hadn't taken the shot, she hadn't needed to, a sniper had been kind enough to finish their perp off for them. Afterwards he had finally let himself make a partial admission to her. That she was one of the few good things left in his life and he didn't want to lose her. But that wasn't the whole truth.
In that one instant when she had fallen, the one second when he had decided to put her safety before the job, that instant that had cost that little boy his life, Elliot had realized as he dove for her, pushing people aside in a panic, just to reach her, he had realized that she was his world. He loved her and he couldn't begin to imagine his life without her in it.
The TV provided no comfort to his aching soul. She had asked for a new partner. He had told her that if they couldn't put the job before each other that they couldn't be partners. She had obviously decided that he meant more to her than the job did. He hated that he would have to work with a new partner but not as much as he hated himself. He wished that he had been able to be the first to ask for a new partner. He wished that he could let go as easily as she had but he didn't trust anyone else with her safety.
Confusion reined supreme in his mind. That one second, his worst nightmares come true and the choice needed to be immediate. Olivia or the boy, his partner or the case, the woman he loved or the job. He had chosen the former, he had chosen Olivia and the boy had died because of it. He was angry at himself but not because the boy was dead, he was angry at himself because he knew that he would have done it again if he had the chance. He would save Olivia a thousand times over if he had to.
If he did that, how many would die just because he loved his partner? The possibilities scared him. Perhaps Olivia had made the correct decision after all but damned if he was going to let her go. He rose from his chair and turned off the television. He retrieved his keys that he had set down only minutes before and headed out the door, down to his car.
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She sat on the edge of her bed. Exhausted but not willing to go to sleep. She knew that if she managed to go to sleep, her dreams would be flooded with images of that little boy in the bus station, that little girl when they found her and most horrifying of all, that sick bastard holding a gun to Elliot's head.
She thanked a God that she really didn't believe in for the sniper that saved her Elliot. She would have dropped her gun, in that one instant she would have sold her soul for Elliot's deliverance, as long as he survived, her life was expendible.
She loved him, he was her world and fate had almost ripped him from her. She could never do that again. She could never put him before the job but she knew that he would always come first. So she asked for a new partner. It was perhaps the second to last thing she wanted to do, the first being having to attend Elliot's funeral.
"I love you," she whispered to a picture that lay on her bedside table. She closed her eyes as she held the picture to her chest. The tears came freely 'He'll never love you, that boy is dead because of you. You're weak, just like she always told you you were. It's your fault that that little boy is dead. It's all your fault, You miserable excuse for a human being!'
Her mind wouldn't let her sleep. The tears continued to fall. She sat up in bed and reached for her gun. Her hands had been shaky in the warehouse and they shook now but this time she had complete confidence that she would hit her target. She closed her eyes and held the gun to her head. She felt the cool metal against her skin. The tears were still falling.
She had to do this, it was the only way to set him free. He was a part of her and it wasn't fair, not to him. Elliot was a damn good cop and she would not be the thing that destroyed him. Somehow while she held the gun to her head her feet had managed to carry her to the living room window. She looked down upon the city, New York City, the city that never sleeps, the big apple, so many grand names for a city whose true nature was vile and evil.
She disengaged the safety and prepared to end it all. Just then she heard a key turn in the lock of her door. Before she could so much as move she heard his voice.
"Olivia, Oh God no!" his words came out sounding almost identical even in their tone to the ones he had uttered at the bus station. His world stood in front of him ready to disappear forever.
She turned to face him. The grip she had on her gun loosened considerably. She couldn't do this, not in front of him. She dropped the gun and fell with it to the floor in a heap of tears and misery.
"I can't," she whispered through her tears.
He sat beside her and pulled her into his lap. He saw her gun lying on the floor near them and kicked it across the room. As he began to stroke her hair he whispered "Shh Olivia. You're stronger than this."
"No I'm not," she protested weakly through a sob.
"You are," he held her even closer than he had before and tilted her chin up to face him "I know you," he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear "You are much stronger than this."
She looked into his eyes, saw her world welcoming her to him with open arms "I... I could have... lost you," she buried her face in his chest.
'And I still might lose you' he thought as he held her, running a hand up and down her back "I'm here," he reassured her "I'm alright."
She looked up at him again "This time," she looked away and toward where her gun lay. Elliot had kicked it away to keep her from shooting herself while she lay in his arms. The gun, a gun had been held to his head. He had told her to take the shot but she had been to afraid, she was too afraid that she would lose him. She took a deep ragged breath and tried to speak around the tears that flowed faster now "Next time you might not be so lucky. I..." she trailed off.
He looked at her. The sniper had been a stroke of sheer luck that had saved both of them. In the bus station it had been sheer luck that made the knife miss its mark by just two centimeters. Luck eventually runs out and Elliot knew this fact. Could the events that had lead up to this moment been some sort of a warning. Should he take a chance and bear his soul to her. He realized that he might never have the chance again.
"I love you," he whispered as he tilted her face up towards him once more and placed a gentle kiss to her lips.
She heard the words and didn't believe them "How can you?" she asked in that teary whisper that was the only sound she could manage.
"I'm not sure," he admitted "I love the kind of person you are. I love how devoted you are to the job. I love how you care so much for everyone else," he pulled her up and the two of them moved onto the couch.
"If I were stronger," she mumbled in self defeat "that boy would still be alive."
Elliot felt his own tears stinging his eyes "It wasn't you," he took a deep breath and admitted the truth that had been stalking him since it had happened "I made my choice and..." he looked her in the eye "I don't regret it."
His words burned into her brain and etched their pain into her soul. She felt her body begin to shake and she couldn't regain her control. She sobbed hard into his chest "I would have made the same choice," she said softly.
"I know," he placed a kiss to the top of her head because her face was still hidden in his chest.
Olivia's sobs slowly diminished as Elliot sat with her, stroking her back and whispering over and over again "I love you." The sobs subsided completely until only silent tears remained. Falling in torrents but falling quietly. She finally pulled away, wiping her eyes hurriedly as if she could hide from Elliot the fact that she had just been crying.
She sat in silence just staring at him in the darkness of her apartment, the only light coming from the street. Finally she spoke "I can't..." Elliot was all she had ever wanted but the circumstances leading up to this moment were not at all happy or perfect. She couldn't be with him. That little boy would always be on her mind and she knew that neither of them would be truly happy with that memory always in their heads.
She looked down at her lap, refusing to meet Elliot's gaze as she kept speaking "Please leave," she whispered even softer than she had before.
Elliot remembered the gun, he remembered what she had been just about to do when he had come in. An overwhelming urgency had tugged at him when he had first arrived, even before he had opened the door. The feeling that something was very wrong had compelled him to open the door using the spare key that she had given him for emergencies. He pulled Olivia towards him once more "I don't want to lose you," he told her, his voice thick with tears "I can't leave you."
She made eye contact with him at last and could tell in an instant what was in his heart. He was sinking, he was broken and he felt her slipping away from him. His eyes spoke it all to her. She lay her head back against his chest "I don't want to lose you either but it hurts."
"I know," he said as he ran his hand up and down her back, pausing now and then to trail his fingers in little circles "My Olivia," he whispered as if to himself "My beautiful, courageous, caring, kind Olivia." He lowered his head so that his chin rested on her shoulder "You don't deserve this. You should be happy. You deserve all the happily ever afters of the world."
She felt her eyes drift closed, exhausted from crying, she was starting to fall asleep. Before she drifted off she mumbled one last response "You deserve the world."
As her breathing evened out Elliot realized that she had fallen asleep. He looked lovingly at her as she lay in his arms, bathed in the gentle light from outside and in that moment, he knew that he indeed had the world. His world lay in his arms, his world breathed softly and evenly against his neck, she was his world.
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She woke up a few hours later. The first thing she sensed was that his arms were still wrapped tightly around her. They were lying on the couch. She was lying on top of him and could hear his heart beat as her head rested on his chest. She looked up to see his peaceful sleeping face. From what she could see, it didn't appear as if he had had a nightmare and as she thought about it she hadn't had one either.
As she looked at Elliot, the soft glow from the street lights gave him an almost ethereal appearance. He was her angel she decided as she nuzzled back into his embrace. She fell asleep again with only pleasant thoughts in her head. The guilt she felt was something that she knew now that she could handle. She knew that she and Elliot could face it together.
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Elliot's eyes opened to see that the room looked much brighter than it had when he had fallen asleep. He quickly glanced at his watch it was 7:12am. He smiled as he looked down at Olivia's peacefully sleeping form. A ray of sunlight fell across the both of them, illuminating a few strands of her hair that fluttered haphazardly out of place. Her face was angelic as usual but free of the stress and pain that always seemed to be ingrained into her features when she was awake. She looked like an angel and Elliot couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as he bent his head and his lips met hers in a gentle kiss.
"Mmm," Olivia moaned as she woke up to the wonderful sensation of his lips on hers. She parted her lips sliding her tongue tentatively out, running it along his lips softly until he too parted his lips and the kiss quickly deepened.
"What a way to wake up," Olivia said breathlessly as they separated and she once again layed her head on his chest.
The two of them lay there like that for a long time. Elliot was the one who spoke first "We have the day off," he reminded her in a suggestive tone.
Olivia moaned desirously and groaned regretfully all in one syllable "I made an appointment with Huang," she told him.
"When did you do that?" he asked somewhat surprised.
She looked away from him and stared at the floor "Yesterday, right after... well after I asked for... you know," she stopped after that, she knew Elliot would fill in the missing pieces.
He pulled her back to him as she attempted to get up. Another quick kiss on the lips and he wrapped his arms tightly around her once more "Don't worry about it. I'll still be here when you're done."
She looked at him "You'll still be here?" she asked softly, hopefully wanting it to be true but not being able to believe it.
Elliot smiled up at her from his prone position on the couch "Well I don't have to be on the couch," he winked "I could be in the kitchen or..." he paused and lifted his head to whisper in her ear "Or anywhere else you want me."
She felt a blush crawl up her cheeks and she chose to hide it by burring her face in his chest once more.
"What time is your appointment?" he asked as he took a deep breath, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair as it tickled his chin. He felt so content just to lie there on her couch, holding her, just being with her. He traced designs on her back with his fingers, feeling the soft fabric of her t-shirt as he trailed gently down her spine.
"Mmm," she moaned contentedly at the sensation of his touch "Not until two this afternoon," she mumbled against him.
"Well then," he said with a smile as his fingers found the hem of her shirt and started to trail there way along her bare flesh "No need to rush."
Olivia suddenly shivered. Elliot caught the slight movement and stopped the path that his fingers had made "What's wrong?" he asked concerned as he started to sit up.
"Nothing," Olivia said immediately "Its just that its... a little... chilly out here," she rubbed her hands up and down her arms slowly not wanting to look at Elliot. He seemed so comfortable on her couch and she didn't want to disturb him but it had been cold in her living room all night.
Elliot sat and faced her. He wondered how long she had been cold. Of course it had been nippy in the room and he had noticed it but he didn't think that it had bothered her. But as he looked at her he noticed that she must have been very cold. She was only dressed in a t-shirt and sweat pants. Was she really so afraid to ask for anything for herself so simple as a blanket or moving into her bedroom? He took off the suit jacket that he was still wearing from the day before and held it out to her "Why didn't you say anything sooner?" he asked.
Olivia reluctantly but gratefully excepted the jacket and put it on, pulling it tight around herself "You just seemed so comfortable and the heat doesn't go any hire than 60 anyway. I keep calling the Super but he hasn't gotten around to fixing it yet. You know, because 60 is warm enough that the pipes won't freeze and..." she was babbling.
"Shhh," Elliot put a finger to her lips "Its ok," he looked to the back of the couch where he knew she usually kept a blanket but it was no where in sight "Where's the blanket that's normally here?" he asked, feeling like an idiot that he hadn't noticed it before.
"In my bedroom," she told him "its just been so cold in here lately," she looked down at her lap ashamed for what reason Elliot wasn't sure.
"Let's get you warmed up," he said reassuringly. He stood up and reached a hand down to her. He lead her into her bedroom and pulled back the covers of her bed for her. She slid in gratefully and smiled up at him as he made as if to tuck her in.
"Elliot..." she began, feeling completely foolish.
"Yeah?" he asked as he sat on the bed and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
She looked up into his gentle eyes and couldn't help but feel instantly strong enough to ask her question "Would you mind lying with me?" she knew that he had had no problem being with her on the couch but being in her bed was a whole different story. She wasn't exactly sure how he would respond.
Elliot flashed her a stunning grin as he flipped back the covers on the other side of the bed and slid in next to her. "I was hoping you'd ask me that," he whispered playfully as he pulled her close to him.
Olivia felt his strong arms wrap around her and she couldn't remember a time that she had felt safer in her entire life. The two of them lay beneath the blankets, lost in each other's embrace, simply enjoying being near one another until they both drifted off to sleep.
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Elliot stirred slightly and looked at the radio alarm clock on Olivia's night stand it read 10:47am. Elliot glanced back down at Olivia. She looked so comfortable and so peaceful. He too felt the overwhelming peace of just being with her but the day was slipping away from them and he knew that they would have to leave her bed eventually.
"Hey," he whispered as for the second time that morning he woke Olivia up by kissing her.
She slowly allowed her eyes to flutter open emitting a lazy moan as her lips parted slightly. This kiss however was shorter than the first as Olivia pulled back rolling over to catch a glimpse of the clock "Is that really the time?" she asked, knowing full well that it was but not wanting it to be so that she and Elliot could just lie in bed together for a bit longer.
"I'm afraid it is," Elliot groaned as he made a move as if to sit up but the allure of the warm blankets and Olivia's waiting arms was just too great. He pulled her body flush against his "Come on," he kissed her all over her face until their lips met once more.
"I would love to," she said as she leaned closer into his embrace. Suddenly their revelry was interrupted by the ringing of Olivia's cell phone. "Damn it," she muttered as she rolled away from Elliot once more so that she could reach the phone where it lay on her bedside table "Who the hell calls on my day off?" she asked as she flipped the phone open. "Benson!" she was so frustrated with being interrupted that she screamed at the person on the other end.
Elliot smiled to himself. Anyone who knew Olivia Benson knew not to come between her and her days off for anything less than a life or death emergency. From the sound of Olivia's side of the conversation, this was not one such call.
"I'll be there," she told the poor soul on the other end of the call in an I'm-so-not-in-the-mood-for-this-right-now tone of voice before she flipped her phone closed.
"What was that about?" Elliot asked as Olivia sighed heavily and rolled back over to face him.
"Huang said that some things came up and that he had some cancellations and rescheduling things and blah, blah, blah," she began, casting her gaze up towards the ceiling "and anyway he wanted to know if I could please come in at noon instead of two because that would be the only time that he would be able to meet with me today," she reluctantly tossed back her covers and tentatively slid her legs out of the bed "And I told him I'd be there."
"I'll make you some coffee," Elliot called after her as she headed into the bathroom to shower and get ready.
"Thanks," she called back over her shoulder as she shut the door behind her.
Elliot headed out to the kitchen. On his way he tripped over something. He looked down and saw Olivia's gun where he had kicked it the night before. He quickly picked it up and carried it with him into the kitchen. He stared at it in his hand, simple metal that had the power to protect but it protected by destroying and last night Olivia had been planning on using it to destroy herself. He shuttered as he remembered the image of her standing there, staring blankly out the window as she held the gun to her own head, her finger on the trigger.
He tried to shove those images as far out of mind as he could. He opened a random drawer in Olivia's kitchen and placed the gun in it along side boxes of Ziploc baggies. He closed the drawer and continued making coffee.
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As Olivia pulled the light blue shirt over her head she thought about how natural it had felt to have Elliot wrap his arms around her, how right it felt to feel his lips pressed against hers. He was an amazing kisser she decided, his lips knew exactly how to draw the utmost pleasure from one kiss.
She even allowed herself to think about what it might feel like to make love to him. She realized what she was thinking and tried to put a stop to those thoughts but it was too late. She caught herself blushing in the mirror as she applied her eyeliner. "Stop it," she said out loud to her reflection "This isn't right and you know it," she practically growled. She finished getting ready and stepped out of the bathroom. She walked into the kitchen hoping that her face didn't betray her in front of Elliot.
"Hey," Elliot flashed her a brilliant smile as he held a steaming mug of coffee out to her.
She briefly returned the grin as she excepted the mug from his outstretched hand "Thanks," she said before taking a cautious sip of the hot liquid. The smile returned to her face almost instantly. Exactly the way she liked it, he had fixed her coffee exactly the way she liked it. It was amazing the little intimate details they knew about each other.
She finished her coffee and placed her mug in the sink. She checked her watch, 11:45. How had it gotten so late with out her realizing it? She quickly grabbed her coat from where it lay over the back of one of her kitchen chairs. "I should get going," she told Elliot as she grabbed her keys and headed for the door.
"Do you really need that heavy coat?" Elliot asked as way of making conversation as he stopped her just before she reached the door of her apartment. He ran a hand along the side of her face and placed a chaste kiss on her lips "Its spring," his hands found their way around her waist and he held her close.
She pulled away smiling somewhat guiltily at him "I get cold easy," she admitted looking down at the ground as if it were something she truly needed to be ashamed of and in Olivia's mind, it was.
"Alright," Elliot's understanding tone tried in its two syllables to erase what ever it was that she had been told that had made her ashamed to admit something as simple as getting cold easily but he knew that in reality it did very little good. "I'll see you later this afternoon?" he added hopefully.
She nodded "I'll be back here as soon as I'm done," she told him. She turned and opened the door and was about to step outside when Elliot grabbed her around the waist once more and pulled her back into a tight hug. "Elliot," she protested through a giggle "I'm gonna be late." Elliot kissed her with such intensity that it left her breathless but after the kiss had ended he released her. "Bye," she called back as she disappeared down the hallway.
Elliot stood in the doorway, still in shock himself over what had just happened. He had grabbed her and held her tight because he had been all of a sudden overcome by an overwhelming fear. A fear similar to what he had experienced the night before when he had been compelled to use the key to unlock the door to her apartment. He couldn't shake the thought from his head as he heard her footsteps fading away, that he would never see her again.
TBC
A/N: Okay so I wanted anything I was gonna write for a post "Fault" fic to be just a oneshot but God hellp me I just can't write oneshots. I thought of a plot I think and there will be more chapters, hopefully. Please review and tell me what you think. I really enjoy the feedback.
Disclaimer: I don't own them but I'm suing for custody on the grounds that separating them is cruel.
A/N: Ok so I watched "Fault" and I just had to do this. I know that everyone is writing these but that's because it was such an awesome episode! So if you take the time to read this I hope you enjoy.
Spoilers: "Fault" (no kidding)
He tossed his keys on the counter as he fell into a chair and flipped the TV on, such normal actions to conclude such an abnormal day. A gun had been held to his head, he should be a lot more shaken up than he was. The truth of the matter was that during the whole ordeal all he had thought to himself was 'take the shot so you can get out of this alive'.
She hadn't taken the shot, she hadn't needed to, a sniper had been kind enough to finish their perp off for them. Afterwards he had finally let himself make a partial admission to her. That she was one of the few good things left in his life and he didn't want to lose her. But that wasn't the whole truth.
In that one instant when she had fallen, the one second when he had decided to put her safety before the job, that instant that had cost that little boy his life, Elliot had realized as he dove for her, pushing people aside in a panic, just to reach her, he had realized that she was his world. He loved her and he couldn't begin to imagine his life without her in it.
The TV provided no comfort to his aching soul. She had asked for a new partner. He had told her that if they couldn't put the job before each other that they couldn't be partners. She had obviously decided that he meant more to her than the job did. He hated that he would have to work with a new partner but not as much as he hated himself. He wished that he had been able to be the first to ask for a new partner. He wished that he could let go as easily as she had but he didn't trust anyone else with her safety.
Confusion reined supreme in his mind. That one second, his worst nightmares come true and the choice needed to be immediate. Olivia or the boy, his partner or the case, the woman he loved or the job. He had chosen the former, he had chosen Olivia and the boy had died because of it. He was angry at himself but not because the boy was dead, he was angry at himself because he knew that he would have done it again if he had the chance. He would save Olivia a thousand times over if he had to.
If he did that, how many would die just because he loved his partner? The possibilities scared him. Perhaps Olivia had made the correct decision after all but damned if he was going to let her go. He rose from his chair and turned off the television. He retrieved his keys that he had set down only minutes before and headed out the door, down to his car.
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She sat on the edge of her bed. Exhausted but not willing to go to sleep. She knew that if she managed to go to sleep, her dreams would be flooded with images of that little boy in the bus station, that little girl when they found her and most horrifying of all, that sick bastard holding a gun to Elliot's head.
She thanked a God that she really didn't believe in for the sniper that saved her Elliot. She would have dropped her gun, in that one instant she would have sold her soul for Elliot's deliverance, as long as he survived, her life was expendible.
She loved him, he was her world and fate had almost ripped him from her. She could never do that again. She could never put him before the job but she knew that he would always come first. So she asked for a new partner. It was perhaps the second to last thing she wanted to do, the first being having to attend Elliot's funeral.
"I love you," she whispered to a picture that lay on her bedside table. She closed her eyes as she held the picture to her chest. The tears came freely 'He'll never love you, that boy is dead because of you. You're weak, just like she always told you you were. It's your fault that that little boy is dead. It's all your fault, You miserable excuse for a human being!'
Her mind wouldn't let her sleep. The tears continued to fall. She sat up in bed and reached for her gun. Her hands had been shaky in the warehouse and they shook now but this time she had complete confidence that she would hit her target. She closed her eyes and held the gun to her head. She felt the cool metal against her skin. The tears were still falling.
She had to do this, it was the only way to set him free. He was a part of her and it wasn't fair, not to him. Elliot was a damn good cop and she would not be the thing that destroyed him. Somehow while she held the gun to her head her feet had managed to carry her to the living room window. She looked down upon the city, New York City, the city that never sleeps, the big apple, so many grand names for a city whose true nature was vile and evil.
She disengaged the safety and prepared to end it all. Just then she heard a key turn in the lock of her door. Before she could so much as move she heard his voice.
"Olivia, Oh God no!" his words came out sounding almost identical even in their tone to the ones he had uttered at the bus station. His world stood in front of him ready to disappear forever.
She turned to face him. The grip she had on her gun loosened considerably. She couldn't do this, not in front of him. She dropped the gun and fell with it to the floor in a heap of tears and misery.
"I can't," she whispered through her tears.
He sat beside her and pulled her into his lap. He saw her gun lying on the floor near them and kicked it across the room. As he began to stroke her hair he whispered "Shh Olivia. You're stronger than this."
"No I'm not," she protested weakly through a sob.
"You are," he held her even closer than he had before and tilted her chin up to face him "I know you," he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear "You are much stronger than this."
She looked into his eyes, saw her world welcoming her to him with open arms "I... I could have... lost you," she buried her face in his chest.
'And I still might lose you' he thought as he held her, running a hand up and down her back "I'm here," he reassured her "I'm alright."
She looked up at him again "This time," she looked away and toward where her gun lay. Elliot had kicked it away to keep her from shooting herself while she lay in his arms. The gun, a gun had been held to his head. He had told her to take the shot but she had been to afraid, she was too afraid that she would lose him. She took a deep ragged breath and tried to speak around the tears that flowed faster now "Next time you might not be so lucky. I..." she trailed off.
He looked at her. The sniper had been a stroke of sheer luck that had saved both of them. In the bus station it had been sheer luck that made the knife miss its mark by just two centimeters. Luck eventually runs out and Elliot knew this fact. Could the events that had lead up to this moment been some sort of a warning. Should he take a chance and bear his soul to her. He realized that he might never have the chance again.
"I love you," he whispered as he tilted her face up towards him once more and placed a gentle kiss to her lips.
She heard the words and didn't believe them "How can you?" she asked in that teary whisper that was the only sound she could manage.
"I'm not sure," he admitted "I love the kind of person you are. I love how devoted you are to the job. I love how you care so much for everyone else," he pulled her up and the two of them moved onto the couch.
"If I were stronger," she mumbled in self defeat "that boy would still be alive."
Elliot felt his own tears stinging his eyes "It wasn't you," he took a deep breath and admitted the truth that had been stalking him since it had happened "I made my choice and..." he looked her in the eye "I don't regret it."
His words burned into her brain and etched their pain into her soul. She felt her body begin to shake and she couldn't regain her control. She sobbed hard into his chest "I would have made the same choice," she said softly.
"I know," he placed a kiss to the top of her head because her face was still hidden in his chest.
Olivia's sobs slowly diminished as Elliot sat with her, stroking her back and whispering over and over again "I love you." The sobs subsided completely until only silent tears remained. Falling in torrents but falling quietly. She finally pulled away, wiping her eyes hurriedly as if she could hide from Elliot the fact that she had just been crying.
She sat in silence just staring at him in the darkness of her apartment, the only light coming from the street. Finally she spoke "I can't..." Elliot was all she had ever wanted but the circumstances leading up to this moment were not at all happy or perfect. She couldn't be with him. That little boy would always be on her mind and she knew that neither of them would be truly happy with that memory always in their heads.
She looked down at her lap, refusing to meet Elliot's gaze as she kept speaking "Please leave," she whispered even softer than she had before.
Elliot remembered the gun, he remembered what she had been just about to do when he had come in. An overwhelming urgency had tugged at him when he had first arrived, even before he had opened the door. The feeling that something was very wrong had compelled him to open the door using the spare key that she had given him for emergencies. He pulled Olivia towards him once more "I don't want to lose you," he told her, his voice thick with tears "I can't leave you."
She made eye contact with him at last and could tell in an instant what was in his heart. He was sinking, he was broken and he felt her slipping away from him. His eyes spoke it all to her. She lay her head back against his chest "I don't want to lose you either but it hurts."
"I know," he said as he ran his hand up and down her back, pausing now and then to trail his fingers in little circles "My Olivia," he whispered as if to himself "My beautiful, courageous, caring, kind Olivia." He lowered his head so that his chin rested on her shoulder "You don't deserve this. You should be happy. You deserve all the happily ever afters of the world."
She felt her eyes drift closed, exhausted from crying, she was starting to fall asleep. Before she drifted off she mumbled one last response "You deserve the world."
As her breathing evened out Elliot realized that she had fallen asleep. He looked lovingly at her as she lay in his arms, bathed in the gentle light from outside and in that moment, he knew that he indeed had the world. His world lay in his arms, his world breathed softly and evenly against his neck, she was his world.
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She woke up a few hours later. The first thing she sensed was that his arms were still wrapped tightly around her. They were lying on the couch. She was lying on top of him and could hear his heart beat as her head rested on his chest. She looked up to see his peaceful sleeping face. From what she could see, it didn't appear as if he had had a nightmare and as she thought about it she hadn't had one either.
As she looked at Elliot, the soft glow from the street lights gave him an almost ethereal appearance. He was her angel she decided as she nuzzled back into his embrace. She fell asleep again with only pleasant thoughts in her head. The guilt she felt was something that she knew now that she could handle. She knew that she and Elliot could face it together.
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Elliot's eyes opened to see that the room looked much brighter than it had when he had fallen asleep. He quickly glanced at his watch it was 7:12am. He smiled as he looked down at Olivia's peacefully sleeping form. A ray of sunlight fell across the both of them, illuminating a few strands of her hair that fluttered haphazardly out of place. Her face was angelic as usual but free of the stress and pain that always seemed to be ingrained into her features when she was awake. She looked like an angel and Elliot couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as he bent his head and his lips met hers in a gentle kiss.
"Mmm," Olivia moaned as she woke up to the wonderful sensation of his lips on hers. She parted her lips sliding her tongue tentatively out, running it along his lips softly until he too parted his lips and the kiss quickly deepened.
"What a way to wake up," Olivia said breathlessly as they separated and she once again layed her head on his chest.
The two of them lay there like that for a long time. Elliot was the one who spoke first "We have the day off," he reminded her in a suggestive tone.
Olivia moaned desirously and groaned regretfully all in one syllable "I made an appointment with Huang," she told him.
"When did you do that?" he asked somewhat surprised.
She looked away from him and stared at the floor "Yesterday, right after... well after I asked for... you know," she stopped after that, she knew Elliot would fill in the missing pieces.
He pulled her back to him as she attempted to get up. Another quick kiss on the lips and he wrapped his arms tightly around her once more "Don't worry about it. I'll still be here when you're done."
She looked at him "You'll still be here?" she asked softly, hopefully wanting it to be true but not being able to believe it.
Elliot smiled up at her from his prone position on the couch "Well I don't have to be on the couch," he winked "I could be in the kitchen or..." he paused and lifted his head to whisper in her ear "Or anywhere else you want me."
She felt a blush crawl up her cheeks and she chose to hide it by burring her face in his chest once more.
"What time is your appointment?" he asked as he took a deep breath, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair as it tickled his chin. He felt so content just to lie there on her couch, holding her, just being with her. He traced designs on her back with his fingers, feeling the soft fabric of her t-shirt as he trailed gently down her spine.
"Mmm," she moaned contentedly at the sensation of his touch "Not until two this afternoon," she mumbled against him.
"Well then," he said with a smile as his fingers found the hem of her shirt and started to trail there way along her bare flesh "No need to rush."
Olivia suddenly shivered. Elliot caught the slight movement and stopped the path that his fingers had made "What's wrong?" he asked concerned as he started to sit up.
"Nothing," Olivia said immediately "Its just that its... a little... chilly out here," she rubbed her hands up and down her arms slowly not wanting to look at Elliot. He seemed so comfortable on her couch and she didn't want to disturb him but it had been cold in her living room all night.
Elliot sat and faced her. He wondered how long she had been cold. Of course it had been nippy in the room and he had noticed it but he didn't think that it had bothered her. But as he looked at her he noticed that she must have been very cold. She was only dressed in a t-shirt and sweat pants. Was she really so afraid to ask for anything for herself so simple as a blanket or moving into her bedroom? He took off the suit jacket that he was still wearing from the day before and held it out to her "Why didn't you say anything sooner?" he asked.
Olivia reluctantly but gratefully excepted the jacket and put it on, pulling it tight around herself "You just seemed so comfortable and the heat doesn't go any hire than 60 anyway. I keep calling the Super but he hasn't gotten around to fixing it yet. You know, because 60 is warm enough that the pipes won't freeze and..." she was babbling.
"Shhh," Elliot put a finger to her lips "Its ok," he looked to the back of the couch where he knew she usually kept a blanket but it was no where in sight "Where's the blanket that's normally here?" he asked, feeling like an idiot that he hadn't noticed it before.
"In my bedroom," she told him "its just been so cold in here lately," she looked down at her lap ashamed for what reason Elliot wasn't sure.
"Let's get you warmed up," he said reassuringly. He stood up and reached a hand down to her. He lead her into her bedroom and pulled back the covers of her bed for her. She slid in gratefully and smiled up at him as he made as if to tuck her in.
"Elliot..." she began, feeling completely foolish.
"Yeah?" he asked as he sat on the bed and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
She looked up into his gentle eyes and couldn't help but feel instantly strong enough to ask her question "Would you mind lying with me?" she knew that he had had no problem being with her on the couch but being in her bed was a whole different story. She wasn't exactly sure how he would respond.
Elliot flashed her a stunning grin as he flipped back the covers on the other side of the bed and slid in next to her. "I was hoping you'd ask me that," he whispered playfully as he pulled her close to him.
Olivia felt his strong arms wrap around her and she couldn't remember a time that she had felt safer in her entire life. The two of them lay beneath the blankets, lost in each other's embrace, simply enjoying being near one another until they both drifted off to sleep.
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Elliot stirred slightly and looked at the radio alarm clock on Olivia's night stand it read 10:47am. Elliot glanced back down at Olivia. She looked so comfortable and so peaceful. He too felt the overwhelming peace of just being with her but the day was slipping away from them and he knew that they would have to leave her bed eventually.
"Hey," he whispered as for the second time that morning he woke Olivia up by kissing her.
She slowly allowed her eyes to flutter open emitting a lazy moan as her lips parted slightly. This kiss however was shorter than the first as Olivia pulled back rolling over to catch a glimpse of the clock "Is that really the time?" she asked, knowing full well that it was but not wanting it to be so that she and Elliot could just lie in bed together for a bit longer.
"I'm afraid it is," Elliot groaned as he made a move as if to sit up but the allure of the warm blankets and Olivia's waiting arms was just too great. He pulled her body flush against his "Come on," he kissed her all over her face until their lips met once more.
"I would love to," she said as she leaned closer into his embrace. Suddenly their revelry was interrupted by the ringing of Olivia's cell phone. "Damn it," she muttered as she rolled away from Elliot once more so that she could reach the phone where it lay on her bedside table "Who the hell calls on my day off?" she asked as she flipped the phone open. "Benson!" she was so frustrated with being interrupted that she screamed at the person on the other end.
Elliot smiled to himself. Anyone who knew Olivia Benson knew not to come between her and her days off for anything less than a life or death emergency. From the sound of Olivia's side of the conversation, this was not one such call.
"I'll be there," she told the poor soul on the other end of the call in an I'm-so-not-in-the-mood-for-this-right-now tone of voice before she flipped her phone closed.
"What was that about?" Elliot asked as Olivia sighed heavily and rolled back over to face him.
"Huang said that some things came up and that he had some cancellations and rescheduling things and blah, blah, blah," she began, casting her gaze up towards the ceiling "and anyway he wanted to know if I could please come in at noon instead of two because that would be the only time that he would be able to meet with me today," she reluctantly tossed back her covers and tentatively slid her legs out of the bed "And I told him I'd be there."
"I'll make you some coffee," Elliot called after her as she headed into the bathroom to shower and get ready.
"Thanks," she called back over her shoulder as she shut the door behind her.
Elliot headed out to the kitchen. On his way he tripped over something. He looked down and saw Olivia's gun where he had kicked it the night before. He quickly picked it up and carried it with him into the kitchen. He stared at it in his hand, simple metal that had the power to protect but it protected by destroying and last night Olivia had been planning on using it to destroy herself. He shuttered as he remembered the image of her standing there, staring blankly out the window as she held the gun to her own head, her finger on the trigger.
He tried to shove those images as far out of mind as he could. He opened a random drawer in Olivia's kitchen and placed the gun in it along side boxes of Ziploc baggies. He closed the drawer and continued making coffee.
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As Olivia pulled the light blue shirt over her head she thought about how natural it had felt to have Elliot wrap his arms around her, how right it felt to feel his lips pressed against hers. He was an amazing kisser she decided, his lips knew exactly how to draw the utmost pleasure from one kiss.
She even allowed herself to think about what it might feel like to make love to him. She realized what she was thinking and tried to put a stop to those thoughts but it was too late. She caught herself blushing in the mirror as she applied her eyeliner. "Stop it," she said out loud to her reflection "This isn't right and you know it," she practically growled. She finished getting ready and stepped out of the bathroom. She walked into the kitchen hoping that her face didn't betray her in front of Elliot.
"Hey," Elliot flashed her a brilliant smile as he held a steaming mug of coffee out to her.
She briefly returned the grin as she excepted the mug from his outstretched hand "Thanks," she said before taking a cautious sip of the hot liquid. The smile returned to her face almost instantly. Exactly the way she liked it, he had fixed her coffee exactly the way she liked it. It was amazing the little intimate details they knew about each other.
She finished her coffee and placed her mug in the sink. She checked her watch, 11:45. How had it gotten so late with out her realizing it? She quickly grabbed her coat from where it lay over the back of one of her kitchen chairs. "I should get going," she told Elliot as she grabbed her keys and headed for the door.
"Do you really need that heavy coat?" Elliot asked as way of making conversation as he stopped her just before she reached the door of her apartment. He ran a hand along the side of her face and placed a chaste kiss on her lips "Its spring," his hands found their way around her waist and he held her close.
She pulled away smiling somewhat guiltily at him "I get cold easy," she admitted looking down at the ground as if it were something she truly needed to be ashamed of and in Olivia's mind, it was.
"Alright," Elliot's understanding tone tried in its two syllables to erase what ever it was that she had been told that had made her ashamed to admit something as simple as getting cold easily but he knew that in reality it did very little good. "I'll see you later this afternoon?" he added hopefully.
She nodded "I'll be back here as soon as I'm done," she told him. She turned and opened the door and was about to step outside when Elliot grabbed her around the waist once more and pulled her back into a tight hug. "Elliot," she protested through a giggle "I'm gonna be late." Elliot kissed her with such intensity that it left her breathless but after the kiss had ended he released her. "Bye," she called back as she disappeared down the hallway.
Elliot stood in the doorway, still in shock himself over what had just happened. He had grabbed her and held her tight because he had been all of a sudden overcome by an overwhelming fear. A fear similar to what he had experienced the night before when he had been compelled to use the key to unlock the door to her apartment. He couldn't shake the thought from his head as he heard her footsteps fading away, that he would never see her again.
TBC
A/N: Okay so I wanted anything I was gonna write for a post "Fault" fic to be just a oneshot but God hellp me I just can't write oneshots. I thought of a plot I think and there will be more chapters, hopefully. Please review and tell me what you think. I really enjoy the feedback.
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