FicWad

Fear and Broken Glass

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Olivia stepped out into the street. The day was quite breezy and she pulled her coat closer around her as she walked towards the parking garage where she kept her car. It wasn't a very long walk and soon she was scanning the rows of cars in an effort to locate hers.

Her lips still tingled from that last passionate kiss before she had left him. She wondered at the energy that he had put into that last gesture. She tried to put the feelings out of her mind but it was hard to keep the small satisfied smile from playing across her lips on the way to Huang's office.

She knew she didn't deserve to feel as happy as she did about Elliot but the slight blush that colored her cheeks betrayed her. She shouldn't be happy she didn't deserve it. She had failed and that little boy was dead but Elliot. There was Elliot, Elliot was carrying the same pain. The same demons of this case haunted him.

She had felt so safe in his arms. Never in her life had she felt so safe. And she knew that she absolutely didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve to feel safe. She didn't deserve to be loved. That poor little boy had been in danger and Elliot had chosen her. She didn't deserve to be loved the way he loved her.

The most painful thing was that she loved him too. She loved him so much that it hurt to love him. It hurt but it was such a beautiful pain. A pain she didn't even deserve. No what she deserved was much darker, more violent. She didn't deserve Elliot. The one thing in her life that was good. He was the one thing worth while. And she knew that he needed her "You and this job are about the only things I have left". He needed her and she couldn't abandon him.

And what had she been ready to do the night before? The guilt overcame her. She had been selfish, she had wanted to escape from her life, escape from the pain. She had been ready to abandon Elliot. She pulled over as her vision was clouded by her tears. She could save him by leaving him. At least that's what she thought but the look on his face when he held her. The fear in his voice when he told her he couldn't leave. How could she cause him so much pain?

She quickly dried her tears and pulled back onto the road. She and Elliot had time. Thank God they had time. Thanks to a few lucky breaks, there was time to work through this. And she truly wanted to work through it, she wanted Elliot to be happy.

Maybe she wasn't paying as close attention as she should have. Maybe there was something in her subconscious mind that really wanted to die. Maybe the painted line down the middle of the street had faded beyond recognition, whatever the reason she pulled right into oncoming traffic just in time to be hit by a UPS delivery truck.

The windshield cracked, glass spraying everywhere as she was flung forward in her seat, her seatbelt slowing the impact that her head made against the roof of the car only slightly. The sound of metal screeching against metal and shattered glass filled her ears, the smell of gasoline and blood filled her nostrils, her vision blurred as she felt her grip on reality loosening.

They say that at times like this your entire life flashes before your eyes. For Olivia this held true. She saw her mother, flashes of her unhappy childhood, high school, college, the police academy. She saw her first partner from when she was a beat cop, the first dead body she had ever seen, Coming to SVU, Elliot. The happy memories of Elliot, his smile, his eyes and his voice all the things that made Elliot who he was, his protectiveness and his kind and caring nature.

The last memory that flashed in her head was Elliot's smiling face. She could have sworn that she still felt his lips on hers and his gentle hands tracing their random designs along her spine. The last thing she smelled wasn't the blood or the burning gasoline but the smell of Elliot, the scent that was so uniquely him. In her mouth she could still taste him, the way her tongue had slid so easily across his teeth. The last thing she remembered hearing wasn't the screams of the people outside as they shouted "Oh my God there's someone in there's someone in there" and "Oh heaven help her" but Elliot's strong yet gentle voice as he whispered "I love you".

"I love you too," she whispered as she slipped away "I don't want to leave you."

The paramedics pulled her bloody broken body from the wreckage soon after that and they wasted no time in rushing her to the hospital.

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Elliot sat on the couch in Olivia's apartment. He glanced up at the clock every couple of minutes. It was currently 12:10 and Elliot chastised himself for being so worried. She was a big girl and she could take care of herself as she had said to him on many occasions when his overprotective nature had gotten on her nerves "I'm not a civilian" that was true, she was perfectly capable of handling herself but in the coarse of his years at SVU he had learned that no one is invincible. The women whose broken and bloody bodies haunted his nightmares, women who were later described by their closest friends and family as strong and independent all these women in one way or another reminded him of Olivia and before he had even realized it the faces of the battered women in his nightmares became hers.

The feeling that he would never see her again just before she left still weighed heavy on his mind. The sharp pang of fear had initially shot through him like a bolt of white hot lightning, striking his heart and causing it to cease beating for what seemed like forever. His heart had only started to beat again after he had reached out and held her in his arms. As if she was his lifeline, his one true salvation and who knows, perhaps she was.

Olivia's land line began to ring. Elliot was half out of his seat, responding to a reflex which years on the job had taught him. He paused with his right hand poised just above the receiver, this wasn't his home, this wasn't his phone, the call wasn't for him. He let it ring, returning to his seat on the couch and listened as the answering machine picked up.

"This is Olivia," her clear voice began. Her home phone was for primarily non work related calls so she was free to be informal on the answering machine greeting "I can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

Elliot leaned back and closed his eyes. He really didn't want to listen to a message that was meant for Olivia only. For a moment he considered plugging his ears with his fingers but all thoughts of doing such a childish thing went out the window when the person who had called began to leave their message.

"Olivia, its George," Elliot's heart skipped a beat. Why would Huang need to call Olivia if she was supposed to be at an appointment with him? The message just continued unaware of the mental anguish it was inflicting on Elliot "I decided to try your home phone because you aren't answering your cell phone."

Why wouldn't she be answering her cell phone? She always had it with her. Elliot was getting really worried. He reached for the phone. This time picking it up and answering it "Hello, George?"

There was a pause on the other end as George attempted to process the voice of the person who had answered and understand its presence at this number. Finally George responded "Elliot? Did I dial the wrong number?"

"No," Elliot reassured him then he turned quickly to the subject of Olivia "What do you mean she's not answering her cell phone? What's wrong?" the panic in his voice was evident by this point.

"So she's not there with you?" George asked, surprised "She never showed up for her appointment."

"What?!" Elliot screamed into the phone as he shot up from the couch like a rocket "What do you mean she's not there?! Where the hell is she?!"

In his office, George Huang held the phone at arms length as Elliot's panicked and angry screams continued to come through. Simply repeating the same question "Where the hell is she?" with each recitation Elliot's voice became softer until George could once again hold the phone to his ear without fear of permanent hearing loss.

Elliot was sitting on the couch once more. His head was cradled by his non phone holding hand as he fought to regain control of himself. That same fear had now intensified and he felt his eyes begin to mist over. One last time he asked the question, only this time it was in a whisper so small and so choked back by tears that threatened to burst forth that George had to strain to hear "Where is she?"

George summand all the compassion he could, which wasn't easy after being so shaken by Elliot's sudden outburst. He finally composed himself and began to speak "I don't know Elliot," was the only answer that he could offer to the distraught man on the other end of the line.

"She wouldn't just not show up," Elliot attempted to rationalize the situation "She would have called one or both of us," his explanation only made him more nervous and more afraid for her safety "Where is she?" he asked again but this time he wasn't asking George, the question wasn't directed at anyone.

"I'm sure she's fine," George attempted to reassure Elliot.

Elliot's heart gave a painful twinge "She's not fine!" he shouted "If she was fine she'd be answering her phone! If she were fine she'd be at her appointment! If she were fine she would," the volume of his voice lowered considerably as a single tear escaped his eye " be here with me." Elliot tried to hide the small strangled sob but it forced its way through against his will "I know that something's happened," he continued in the same low tone "I can feel it, somehow I know that she's not ok."

"What should we do?" George asked. Although he was a trained FBI agent and used to dealing with missing people almost on a daily bases, he was more than willing to yield to Elliot on this one. She hadn't even been gone long enough to be considered missing. Although George liked to consider Olivia his friend, he knew that he was no where near as close to her as she was to Elliot. The ball was in Elliot's court on this one.

"I don't know," Elliot began but he was cut off by the ringing of his cell phone. Without even a word of explanation to George, he dropped Olivia's phone and reached for his. He looked at the number on the caller ID and his heart broke a little more. It wasn't Olivia's cell number in fact he didn't even recognize the number that flashed across his screen. He thought about just letting it go to voice mail but he answered it anyway. In his line of work he could never tell what calls might or might not be important. "Stabler," he answered in a less than enthusiastic tone.

"Detective Elliot Stabler?" an unfamiliar female voice asked.

"Yes," Elliot answered. He heard a lot of background noise over the phone, sounds he was familiar with but didn't seem to register with his brain at the moment.

"I'm calling because you are listed as next of kin for a Detective Benson," the woman informed Elliot.

The emotions ran through his body at light speed, the gears in his head turning so fast that he could barely keep up with his own thoughts. Fear and relief battled for supremacy in his mind and heart. The internal power struggle made it almost impossible to process any external stimuli. Finally he was able to speak once more "Where is she?" the hoarsely whispered question barely registered in his own ears as he waited for a response from the woman. To Elliot the milliseconds seemed like hours.

"I'm sorry Detective," the woman began and with those words Elliot felt that his world would collapse completely.

'Please don't let her be dead. Please don't let her be dead,' was the only thing that ran through his mind.

The woman's voice sounded in his ears once more. Although she was speaking softly and with compassion, she might as well have been screaming at the top of her lungs "There's been an accident."

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Elliot paced in the waiting area outside of surgery. The woman on the phone hadn't been able to tell him much of anything. Just that there had been an accident and to get to the hospital as soon as he could, aside from telling him where in the hospital to go and the name of Olivia's doctor that was all he knew.

An accident, what kind of accident? Had she been shot? Had she fallen? Or was it something worse? Endless possibilities swirled in his brain, each more horrific and terrifying than the last. He shouldn't have taken her gun. He shouldn't have hidden it in the kitchen drawer. If he had let her take it with her she might be safe now. The two of them would probably be back at her apartment, arguing over whether to order pizza or Chinese food. He smiled to himself as he thought of their arguments. It was hopeless because Olivia would always win and they would always get Chinese food.

He finally stopped pacing and collapsed into one of the uncomfortable chairs. If she didn't make it, what would he do? Getting a new partner was one thing; a thing he didn't want to do but nonetheless as long as he still had Olivia in his life he would be able to do it.

If she wasn't in his life then he truly had nothing. All that talk about it being her and the job being all he had left, it had all been a lie because it was only her. The job didn't provide him with friendship; in fact the job just left him empty inside. Olivia had filled that emptiness for longer then he could remember. It was a space that Kathy could never fill, a special place in his heart reserved just for Olivia. And if that space were to suddenly become hollow, devoid of her presence, Elliot was sure that he would disappear into the nothingness within.

Lost in his own self destructive thoughts, Elliot was unaware of the doctor that approached. Vaguely he sensed the presence of someone else but he made no effort to look up from the bland grey carpeting that he found himself staring at.

"Detective Stabler?" the doctor asked.

Elliot's ears took a moment to recognize that someone had just spoken to him. He looked up and his eyes fell on the doctor standing in front of him. Instantly he was drawn back into the world of the living "Yes," he answered, his voice making a sorry attempt to hide the anxiety he felt.

The doctor placed a hand on Elliot's shoulder "I'm Dr. Trent," he introduced himself "Has anyone filled you in?" he asked concerned as he took a seat in the chair next to Elliot.

"No," Elliot responded honestly "I was told there was an accident and to get down here. No one's told me anything else," as he was speaking he tried to read the doctor's expression. The doctor's face was full of compassion for Elliot but this gave him no clue as to Olivia's condition. He couldn't help the plea that fell from his lips next "Please can you tell me, is she alright?"

"She's still in surgery," the doctor informed him "The accident caused some pretty serious damage."

Billions of questions buzzed in Elliot's head like bees in a hive, so much chattering noise that not one could be distinguished from the whole. Trent was not the name that the woman had given him when he had talked to her. Olivia's doctor was named Field. He finally separated one question from the cacophony in his brain "What kind of accident?"

Doctor Trent sighed heavily and Elliot's heart sank even further than he thought humanly possible. Its never a good sign when the doctor sighs "She was in a car accident," the young doctor began explaining "A head on collision with a UPS delivery truck." Doctor Trent stopped his explanation there.

Elliot battled with himself to ask his next question. He needed to know but he was afraid of knowing. The question he was about to ask was one that he wanted a specific answer to and if he didn't get that answer, he would lose it. Finally he spoke, his voice quavering as he forced the words out despite his heart pleading with him not to speak them "Will she... will she... live?"

The doctor didn't say anything for a long time. Another bad sign "Detective Stabler-"

"Elliot," Elliot corrected quickly. For some reason he just couldn't be reminded of the job right now. He didn't want to be connected in anyway to the title of 'Detective first grade' he couldn't handle it. It only reminded him of how he had failed, how he had failed Olivia.

"Elliot," Doctor Trent began again "I'm not going to lie to you. Its touch and go. There's a lot of internal damage and she's lost a lot of blood. She-"

"Then what are you doing out here?!" Elliot exploded, bursting out of his seat and lunging at Doctor Trent. The very surprised doctor eluded Elliot's grasp just barely. He opened his mouth and was about to say something but Elliot beat him to it "Why aren't you in there saving her life?!" Elliot felt the strength leave his body and he stumbled back against a wall, not caring at all about the looks that he got from terrified nurses as they passed "I can't lose her," he continued in a softer voice as the tears came to his eyes and then fell down his face "I can't, I can't lose her."

All his life his father had told him to be a man and that real men didn't cry but right now Elliot didn't care that he was crying, he didn't care who saw him cry and even if he had cared he probably wouldn't have been able to stop himself.

Doctor Trent slowly and cautiously approached Elliot "There are four other surgeons in there. I was told that you were out here and no one had spoken to you yet."

Elliot slid back into a chair, his head in his hands "Sorry," he said flatly, not feeling anything at all except concern for the woman he loved.

Doctor Trent once more placed a sympathetic hand on Elliot's shoulder "The hospital has a chapel down at the end of the hallway," he kindly informed the broken man who sat in front of him. He was about to say something else when his beeper went off. He pulled it out of the pocket of his white coat and looked at it. Elliot watched as the expression on the doctor's face turned into one of near panic "Excuse me," he hurriedly excused himself and headed back in the direction he had come from.

Elliot rose shakily from his seat and made his way almost reluctantly to the chapel. The small room was empty and Elliot took a seat. He looked up at the ceiling with eyes that saw the tiles but didn't care that they were there. He found himself speaking out loud.

"Hi God," he began, wondering when the last time was that he had prayed in his own words instead of just the occasional 'Our Father' or 'Hale Mary'. It had been the night that Kathy had taken the kids. He had asked God for the strength to make it through. He had thought for the longest time that God had ignored that prayer until recently.

God works in mysterious ways and Elliot wondered if God had given him the strength but indirectly. Was Olivia the strength that God had sent him? Elliot had truly begun to believe that. He continued with his free style prayer "I know its been a while but I don't think I can get through this," he found himself choking back a sob in an effort to continue "I can't lose Olivia," he had finally reached the reason for his presence in the chapel "Please don't take her Lord? I can't go on without her. I know I can't. Please let her pull through," another sob made its way through his lips "Because I... I don't know what I'd do without her," he broke down, crying unchecked with only God to see him, only God to judge his perceived weakness.

When the sobs had finally subsided and Elliot felt like all that he was had passed through his eyes, he shifted in his seat, making a half hearted effort to get up. He finally rose and left the chapel. He walked back to the waiting room and returned to the very seat he had been sitting in and continued his vigil.

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Four hours later, two doctors stood in the hallway between surgery and the waiting area.

"I can't face him again," one said to the other, gesturing towards the waiting area.

"You've talked to him before," the other one, a young woman shot back "You know how he'll react," she timidly motioned in the same direction that the other doctor had.

"You are her primary doctor," the first responded. He took a step closer to the woman "I know you're scared to do this but you've been doing this job for five years now, you know how to talk to the patient's families."

She looked up at him "It just never gets any easier," she whispered "The look in their eyes... you never forget something like that."

The male doctor took her face in his hands and placed a gentle kiss to her lips "Just think of the look in his eyes when you tell him she's alive," he whispered as they parted.

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Elliot looked up this time when he heard someone enter. He saw the female doctor who approached. She looked about Olivia's age, maybe a year or two younger. She walked over to him and sat down beside him and he knew. He knew that what this woman was about to say would either save him or destroy him. Before she could even open her mouth he grabbed her hand and before he knew it, the plea had escaped his lips, the question he desperately wanted an affirmative answer to "Is she alive?"

The woman was so shocked by Elliot grabbing her that at first all she could do was stare at him. Finally she was able to understand what he had just asked her and she nodded "Yes, yes she's alive." Her explanation came out not in the way that she would have normally phrased it and she hurriedly tried to redeem her professionalism "She's out of surgery. She's still unconscious but she'll pull through," she stopped and looked at the man in front of her. He was nodding attentively. She continued "The accident left her with a lot of broken bones and a lacerated liver. She'll recover but it will be a long, painful recovery."

"She's alive," Elliot whispered aloud, half to himself again not caring that anyone else heard. He gazed upward "Thank you God," more honest thanks had never been given heavenward by Elliot Stabler in his life. Then he turned back to the doctor "Can I see her, please?"

"Of course," she said, standing up "follow me," she began to walk away then turned back to Elliot "I'm Dr. Aaron Field by the way, I'm her doctor."

Elliot allowed himself a releaved chuckle at the realization that he hadn't given the woman time to introduce herself "I'm Elliot Stabler," he extended his hand grabbing Doctor Field's hand once more only this time in friendly greeting instead of wild desperation.

Doctor Field nodded and smiled at him before turning and leading him through the corridors of the hospital to Olivia's room.

On the way they past other rooms, some with open doors. Elliot found himself peering into these open rooms with strange fascination. Most rooms contained occupants who were propped up in their hospital beds, flipping through hospital TV. When they neared Olivia's room they passed a room with a motionless figure lying flat on a bed. Nurses were removing the tubes and machines that would no longer do the person any good. Out of respect, the bed sheet was pulled over the face of the unknown patient.

Elliot felt his stomach to a somersault. How close had he come today to seeing Olivia that way? Cold, motionless and the spark that made her who she was extinguished forever, he shuddered at the thought.

They reached Olivia's room and Doctor Field motioned Elliot through the door "It's a private room," she informed him "So you don't have to leave when visiting hours are over. Nurses will be in from time to time to check her vital signs. I'll be in before the shift change."

Elliot nodded and smiled gratefully at her. Before she left he called to her one last time "When should she wake up?" he asked.

Doctor Field turned back "It depends," she answered honestly "It could be in a few minutes, it could be another few hours."

"Thank you," Elliot said before turning and heading into the room.

She lay amongst hospital issue sheets, her head propped on a hospital issue pillow. Her left arm was in a cast and in her right arms was the IV needle. A monitor beeped steadily beside her bed, showing the blood pressure, heart rate and respiration. Elliot took a seat on the right side of her bed. He took the hand of her unbroken arm in his, careful not to disturb the IV tube.

For the longest time he basked in the luxury of watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest. He stroked her hand lovingly as he began to speak softly to her "Hey Liv," he stopped and just looked at her face. He was overpowered with the urge to lean over and kiss her.

Carefully he leaned down he closed his eyes and pressed his lips to hers. 'I love you so much,' he thought as he was doing so.

Suddenly he felt a small movement beneath his lips as Olivia's lips parted and her tongue slowly grazed his lips. Elliot's eyes popped open instantly to find Olivia's eyes staring right back at him. He had never seen anything so beautiful as her eyes at that moment "You're awake," happily he pulled back from her and returned to holding her hand.

"Mmm," she moaned "Can I always wake up that way?" she asked. It was at that moment that Olivia came into consciousness enough that she could feel the pain that seemed to hang over her body in a constant sheet of anguish. She took in a sharp breath as she shut her eyes tight.

"Its okay sweetie," Elliot pressed a gentle kiss to her hand as he held it "There was an accident," he explained.

Olivia remembered the events leading up to the accident quite well "Oh," a small gasp escaped her lips.

"Its alright," Elliot soothed "It'll be alright."

"I'm sorry Elliot," she whispered softly.

"Liv," he broke in quickly "what for?"

"I..." she couldn't say it "last night... I wanted... just to make it end."

"Olivia," he now held her hand in both of his, gazing lovingly at her as she continued speaking.

"I love you," she told him "and I'm so sorry I ever thought of leaving you. Please don't hate me for it."

He saw tears forming in her eyes "Liv," he brought her hand to his lips and kissed it again "I will absolutely always love you. I'm just glad that you're alright."

Olivia smiled at him "Thank you," she groaned again.

"Are you alright?" Elliot asked "I'll call the nurse," his hand was on the call button when she stopped him.

"No," she protested "I'm fine," it was obvious by the way that she said it that she wasn't fine.

Elliot could tell that she was in a lot of pain "Let me ask them if you can have something for the pain," he reached for the call button again.

"No," she said again and Elliot saw the desperation in her eyes "I can't," she told him simply.

His hand remained paused over the call button "Liv, you're in pain," concerned he reached out and touched her cheek. Her face was covered with scrapes but Elliot didn't shy away from it at all "Let them help you Olivia?" he nearly begged her.

"No," Olivia protested yet again. She didn't know how to tell him but she was afraid of becoming addicted to the pain meds. Addiction seemed to run in her family and she didn't want to risk it. She had seen the end results of people's dependence on various substances and she didn't want to end up like that. Especially if it meant hurting the people closest to her and she knew that she would.

"Liv, please," Elliot was really worried as he gently ran his hand down her cheek.

"Elliot," she began, opening her eyes and meeting his gaze directly "Please... I'm fine."

"Olivia," Elliot began again.

"No, Elliot," she stopped him before he could say anything else "I'm fine!" she lifter her head off the pillow with that shout and she fell back with another gasp.

"Olivia, please," when she looked at him this time he had tears in his eyes.

"I'm afraid, Elliot," she finally whispered.

TBC

A/N: The first chapter of this story got the most reviews of any chapter of any story that I'd ever posted. So at first I was afraid to write another chapter in case I didn't get as many reviews. I knew it was a silly thing to be afraid of but I think I've been able to face it. I hope you enjoy this chapter and please review.