Categories > Original > Drama > Misfortune and Gold
Chapter 23: Sinking Into It
5 reviewsthe distance grows but they have no choice but to do it and sink deeper into ways to numb it
1Moving
CHAPTER 23: SINKING INTO IT
September 9, 2008
Grand Rapids, Michigan
In the months that followed Marla began to cling to Seth. She always seemed to be lurking around and was almost always wasted. And she shared with Seth. She kept him so full of Vicodin and Methadone that most of the time he didnt even notice she was there. Everyone knew Marla meant nothing to Seth, but she seemed blissfully unaware of that fact. However, dispite his disliking of her, he seemed to spend all of his free time in her company. Why you may ask? Quite simple, he was just trying to stay high. It was easier to miss D when he was high. It made the long hours pass by a little bit more unaware. High seemed to be the only way he could handle it without going utterly insane. Perhaps violently insane. Marla had introduced him to a ton of painkillers to help with that. And so far, he was discovering that they did just that, they killed the pain for a while.
The guys could see, and D could certainly see that Marla was bad news for Seth. In the months that followed their meeting it could be seen that he was notably alot less wired. He seemed evened out, actually more lulled out. Slowly the Seth they all knew was turning into someone else, something else. At one time he had been the life of the party, charming, friendly, magnetic, a person everyone wanted to be around. Now he was becoming reclusive and quiet, unless it was show time. Show time was the only time he went back up to that tweeked out party mode. After the shows he didnt even hang out and indulge in the coke and drinking and groupies. He would quickly dissappear with Marla to the bus or a hotel to start binging on whatever pills they had scored that day. He would become barely lucid. He just wasnt Seth anymore. Everyone saw this happening, but what could they say? He did his job. He performed perfect shows. He did everything Havoc expected of him to a T. Was their a need to say anything? They were all high all the time too. How could they say anything without being hypocrites?
The heroin was always there, just begging for him to try it. Luckily fear kept him on the straight and narrow. He watched Marla do it all the time. He had seen her get it into her system in a number of different ways. Sometimes she smoked it on a little square of tinfoil with a straw. If it was the right type of heroin she would snort it. If it wasnt the right kind she would cook it up in a syringe, remove the needle, and snort it that way. It was the strangest thing he had ever seen. But most of the time she just shot it up. It sometimes turned his stomach watching her search for veins. It made him long to be with D instead of the junkie pop princess.
So far he was able to keep the drugs from interfering with work. Technically all the powers that be were happy. Even though things seemed to be working Seth could feel his world crumbling apart. He was taking so many different things and going up and down. He was miserable, with the exception of the hour and a half a day he got to spend with D onstage. But alot of hours came in between that daily hour and a half. They were long hours in which he didnt know what to do with himself. Drugs filled the gaps. They made him not feel so bad for everything he was putting D through. He hated himself for hurting D.
Schylus's face appeared in D's dressing room mirror. She was a bit surprised to see him there. She wasnt expecting him. He was standing there with flowers in his hand. He was smiling, but it didnt look very warm.
"What are you doing here?" She asked in her best attempt to pretend that she was glad.
"Aye, just catching a wee bit of your show," he answered in his leprechaun voice. The smile he had faked tapered quickly.
"Oh...what did you think?" She asked as she began removing things from her hair.
"T'was...loud," he said as he cleared his throat and looked to the flowers in his hand. In all actuality he wasnt very impressed. He didnt like the way she and Seth touched or looked at one another. It was too sexually suggestive and intimate. This was a girl he was seen in the tabloids with, he wanted a respectable image. He couldnt help but wonder if D had feelings for this Seth Chandler. He was aware that he and D were only together to boost one anothers popularity. They were a picturesque tabloid couple. But how could they be that with her out doing this sort of thing every night?
D's smile diminished as she began removing her make up. It wasnt hard to see that Schylus was bothered by the stage show.
"Well," he sighed, "'nuff unpleasantries. I spoke with your assistant. She says you have a day off tomorrow.
"Yeah," D nodded dredging up another smile.
"How about we take a wee holiday then?"
"Holiday?" D asked not quite sure what he meant.
"Aye," he nodded, "er...a trip...travel."
"To where?" She asked.
"Not entirely sure," he shrugged, "What tis there to see in this part of your country?"
"Uh...Im not sure. Its my first time here too," she shrugged.
"Well...we will leave it for our assistants then shall we?" He nodded and walked into the room further and lay the flowers at D's side. He leaned over and gently kissed her neck. She soon felt his arms wrapping around her. She felt obligated to act as though she liked it. She turned to kiss him and did her best to envision Seth.
Seth sat on the edge of a bed in some cheap motel room that he and Marla had rented in Grand Rapids. He was re dressing himself after a failed attempt to have sex with her. He wasnt sure if it was due to all the methadone he had taked or if it was just the fact that he didnt want her. She held very little attraction for him, maybe it was her habbit that was such a turn off. Marla sat in the bed behind him nodding off from her most recent dose of heroin. For the most part they really didnt have sex that often. Partly because they both stayed too high to attempt it. The main reason being Seth's feelings for D. He may have wanted the drugs Marla supplied him with but his truest craving was for D.
He could feel Marla moving behind him. He sighed to himself as she rested her weight on his shoulders and lightly stroke his cheek. "Its ok baby," she slurred with half open eyes, "maybe later.
Seth glanced at her over his shoulder. He really didnt care if later never came. He really didnt want to sleep with her even if he could. He wanted D. Things felt different in a much better way with D. D made him care to try his best. With Marla and every other girl he just didnt care.he could come off as a bit of a jerk to those he didnt want. He never cuddled, he never kissed. He never let them spend the night. Marla however he had to let stay because it was expected. She was supposed to appear as his girlfriend for all intents and purposes.
Seth closed his eyes with a deep sigh. Marla continued whispering comforting words about his lack of performance, but he wasnt even listening. He didnt care about any of that. He missed D. It had been four agonizing months since he had stolen a night in her arms. Now they barely ever rode together on the bus. They both spent alot of time traveling solo with Marla and Schylus. But each night on stage they got the joy of meeting one another all over again. Most nights he couldnt wait to get there. It was really the only place he ever wanted to be.
Seth hated picking up magazines and seeing he and D with other people looking happy when they were anything but. His stomach turned at the thought od Schylus touching D. He was persuing her with a textbook approach of jetting her off to exotic plces. Since they had met he had already taken her to Movie awards, the Bahamas, and the Kentucky Derby. Seth didnt feel like he could compete with that. Havoc made sure he had no time to wisk her away. He felt like Schylus was taking D away from him. He knew this was Havocs plan, but it wasnt his. Maybe if they would have paired her with someone else it could be more bearable. Schylus O'Neary was a cocky, self absorbed opportunist. He seemed possessive over D. He looked as if he wanted to attack any man who dare look at her. Seth had heard of his opinion on him as well. He hated their stage shows. Seth always knew if Schylus was at a show by the way D would be standoffish on stage with him. Sometimes, Seth being Seth, would touch and caress her even more on those forbidden nights under Schylus's glare.
It took alot of effort from everyone to keep Schylus and Seth's paths from crossing. The press didnt help. They had turned Seth and D into two of the hottest celebrities in the nation. Their faces were absolutely everywhere. It was hard for Schylus to not let it add fuel to the fire. D had told him countless times that it was all for show but Schylus wasnt buying it. He was a man after all. He could see all too well that Seth wanted D. Schylus was extremely jealous of Seth, and Seth of Schylus. He was always slamming Seth in the press. Seth refused to even utter Schylus's name or discuss him at all. It would only be a matter of time before they bumped heads. It wasnt going to be pretty when it did happen. Seth had a tendency to go crazy when he got mad and lose all rational thinking.
September 14,2008
Kansas city, Kansas
D awoke to the sound of Schylus on the phone. He was speaking english but she couldnt understand a damn word he was saying. She sighed, her sleep disturbed, and sat up in the bed feeling the lingering effects of yesterdays Xanax.
"Morning love," he said covering up the phones speaker with his hand.
She pulled a smile of sorts to her face as she watched him continue his conversation in an undecipherable english. She threw the covers back and slid on a hotel robe, got up and sat in a chair watching him.
Schylus soon covered the speaker again and redirected his attention back to her. "Order us some tea Aye?"
D knew her version of tea and his differed. She wasnt sure how to go about ordering it. She had heard him order it several times but had never payed much attention. She really didnt care enough about him to learn his likes and dislikes. D crossed to the nightstand and picked up her Xanax. Hearing the clatter of the pills Schylus turned around just in time to see her popping them in her mouth. He quickly ended his call with some Irish salutation and turned his attention back to her.
"Aye, arent those to be taken at bedtime? What are they?"
"Xanax, she shrugged, "you want one?"
"Aye, so I can run bout like your wanker band mates?" He huffed. "Absolutely not," he shook his head in dissappointment. "You should know better. I had best not see that again. No lady of mine tis going to be seen as some rock star junkie."
D didnt much care for his brashness. "One..." she firmly spoke, "Im not a rock star. Two...Im not even a band member. And three... Im not a junkie."
"Aye, but that poison'll change that," he motioned to the bottle in her hand. "Dont be so weak."
"Im not weak," she snapped.
Schylus drew his breath in, "Do not raise your voice at me love."
"Who the hell do you think you are?" D fumed.
"The man youve chosen to date," he snapped back, "or do you prefer your Seth Chandler like everyone says.?"
"Shut up," she rolled her eyes.
"Tis a legitimate question. How do you think any man would feel seeing his girlfriend dance about lovingly, half dressed, with some dope head rock star every night?"
"Its just an act," she barked. "You of all people should know that, youre the hot shot actor!"
Schylus smiled sarcastically, "Precisely why I question it love. Do you know how long i had to study me acting before i got a break? Seth Chandler is nothing more than an uneducated, unfortunate drug addict. He couldnt act if his life depended on it. And you love, lets face it you are horrible at even helping read me lines."
"youre such a prick," she mumbled under her breath.
"Perhaps, but tis I who is one of the leading actors out there...you need me."
D drew her breath in trying to remain calm. Schylus was such an asshole. However Havoc was pretty much holding a gun to her head.
October 13, 2008
El Paso, Texas
Many more long and agonizing weeks drug by with many more shows in many more cities. They had slipped into comfortable routines after 7 long months on the road. Their rock and roll dreams had become an exhausting full time job that took the aid of several drugs. At the end of most days they found themselves laying next to someone whos name they couldnt even remember. Things ran together and blurred. Every city looked the same, every highway, and every hotel. Most of the time they didnt even know where they were. Life on the go was alot different than it had been before Havoc. Essentially they were doing the same thing, but now there was limos, security, 18 wheelers, tour busses, a crew, a manager, groupies, drugs, and of course Havoc who supplied it all.
Seth was lonely without D. It had been 5 months since he was able to have time with her or even to steal a quick kiss. Being on stage with her was starting to feel like chinese water torture. What had always been his favorite part of the day was now becoming his hardest. On the stage he could touch her and let his emotions spill out. It was heaven. %hen when it was over he was expected to flip some imaginary switch and lock it all away. He hated standing by and pretending it didnt matter. It caused a fire he had to extinguish with excessive drugs.
The week befor Marla had been arrested in New York for public intoxication and possession of Heroin. She was ordered to 6 months of rehab down in Florida. With her gone everyone assumed she would return to normal, but a week later he was still the same, if not worse. He absence hadnt kept him from scoring drugs. In their world there was no escape, they were a constant given. So were the girls.
D hated watching him with those sluts. She loved him so much it was heartbreak. She was supposed to be the one he laughed with. It was her bed he was supposed to pass out in. Havoc had almost completely taken him away from her. She carried on with all her substitutions for him, but no one could be his stand in. She tried anaestheizing things with Xanax, but it never completely worked. Schylus was on to her about her feeling for Seth by the way she always defended him. It would take a blind deaf mute to see she wasnt in love with him.Brian was starting to notice their behavior. He didnt care if they stayed high as long as it was good for business. A friend would say something. D wasnt even away how bad Seth was. She only saw him onstage well medicated with Dexedrine and coke. He always appeared mostly the same to her. With Marla gone the guys were seeing the bigger picture. He had to be around them to score from the groipies. They knew he was going from one extreme to the other. They saw the lulled out looks. They saw how much it took to bring him back up. He ate Dexedrine like candy, but it seemed to have little effect on him these days.
Seth stared blankly at the guitar in his lap. He tried to play but was much too high on some Norco's he had scored fron Tina. Now he was questioning whether he should have taken ten at once or not. The show started in a few hours and he was nowhere near prepared to be entergetic. He rubbed his eyes and sat his guitar against his amp. He fumbled his pockets until he found his Dexedrine. He removed 6 from the bottle and popped them in his mouth. He glanced over his shoulder as he stuffed his bottle back in his pocket. He could see D off in the distance cozied up with Schylus. Seth hoped he recognized that distant look of boredom on her face.
He absolutely hated watching that jerk with D. Despite the fact that she wasnt his to be jealous over, he was. He hated sharing her with him, if he could even say he was sharing her anymore. 5 months was long enough to question that. Seth, who had always been able to size people up in an instant, could tell Schylus was a domineering type. He knew that what he and D did onstage caused problems for her. He imagined if he were in Schylus's shoes he would probably feel the same.
He painstakenly watched as Schylus bent down and kissed D passionately. Too passionately. Seth just wanted to run over to him and punch him in the face. Maybe he was wrong for that but it was how he felt at the moment. Sometimes when he was loaded enough it didnt matter so much, But right now he just wasnt at that state of high. He hated Schylus O'Neary. Schylus had the ability to show D the world. Havoc had clipped his wings and made it impossible for him to do that. It should have been him that was showing D the good life. He had the money, but all he was able to do was tour city after city and never see the sights. All he got to see were stadiums, hotels, and the long roads that blurred it all together. There were no sandy beaches and helecopter rides. There were no fancy dinners in resteraunts. There were no whimsical vacations to exotic places. There was no seeing anything unless it could be seen from a bus window or a high rise hotel suite. It wasnt at all hoe Brian said it would be.
Seth glanced to the two of them again. He saw the smile on D's lips but her eyes were unhappy. He knew he meant more to her than Schylus. He knew at one point she could have been his. Had Schylus stolen any chance of that? Had he let her drift away? He sighed, feeling sick. It killed him watching her. He wiahed he could just show her how much he cared. He wanted her to know that things just werent over for him. He wanted her to know his thoughts were always on her. He wanted her to know she was the most important thing in his exsistance. He would give anything to be the one standing there kissing her like that. On stage with her time just stopped. It was as if nothing but her hypnotic aquatic eyes and apple scent remained. His arms longed for her at night. He really hoped she somehow knew these things.
Seth didnt like the way he felt. He didnt know if it was Schylus or the coctail of pills that was making him want to throw up. His eyes fell to the stage floor unable to watch any longer. He was too high. He needed to wake up faster than the Dexedrine was working. He needed to score some coke or some meth. He turned to look at the groupies. He scanned then trying to find one that could get him what he needed. He ran his hand over his face adn looked for the strength to cross over to them.. His feet felt like bricks and he was pretty sure he was shuffling. He knew his eyes had to be drooping. He couldnt perform like this.
The girls saw him approaching and began straightening their postures and flashing big smiles.
"Well hell-o Seth," Nina gleamed.
"Wuz up?" The words seemed to trickle out of his expressionless face.
Dr. Kitty squint one eye and pointed at him. "You look a bit...slow.
He nodded, "Ya's gots somethin ta sends me da otha way...fast?"
"Yeah sure," she smiled, "I can get you some meth from Heather. She just got two eight balls this morning."
"Straight," seth robotically grabbing a piece of paper someone was shoving at him for an autograph. He scribbled his name on it.
Dr. Kitty left in search of Heather. Nina smiled and slithered her way to Seth swaying in the nonexsistant breeze. She reclined her elbows back on a road case and spoke. "How many pills did you take?"
"Dunno," Seth slurred with slanted eyes.
"Too much makes you a zombie. You have to be able to perform you know...no Seth, no show."
"I's gone be straight," he muttered.
"You know its not some competition to see who can take the most."
"Aint it?" He sighed looking back over his shoulder at Schylus and D.
Nina couldnt help but notice the way he looked at them. She could tell he was bothered by the sight of them together. It was never spoken but they all knew Seth and D were in love with one another, even if they didnt seem to know it themselves. Nobody could explain why they just didnt hook up. Nina herself had had the pleasure of bedding Seth a couple times as a reward for drugs. The sex was good, but it was robotic and emotionless. He showed little desire to even be there at all. It seemed like more of a duty to him and less of a privaledge. His mind always seemed to be somewhere else. When he had finished he would waste no time in sending her on her way. There were no thank you's, had a good time, or see you laters. If she tried to kiss him he would always turn his head and become rigid. Nina just assumed D was the reason behind all of that. The press painted a secret love story of them too. The people like herself who were behind the scenes knew it was real. But something had apparently happened between them. The two that had once been inseperable were now distant. When they gazed upon one another that secret love was easily noticable. Why were they with different people when they clearly wanted one another. They both seemed to hurt.
"Why dont you just hook up with her?" Nina asked a dazed out Seth.
"Huh?" He asked snapping back to reality, "Who?"
Nina smiled broadly, "The one you cant take your eyes off of," she motioned to D with the flick of her head.
"We's do hook up," he mumbled. He didnt even know why he was talking to this girl. "Dat is when she's aint off wit James Bond ova there."
Nina huffed, "Or when you arent out with us girls or Marla."
He just glanced at her without a response.
"So," Nina sighed changing the subject, "youve got a few nights off. I overheard D's assistant making arrangements for her and Schylus to fly to Ireland."
"An?" Seth sighed.
"And maybe you should take the time to go do something too. Maybe fly down to Florida and visit Marla? Take a little mini vaca alone...or not alone..."
"Marla in rehab," he tisked. "Not 'xactly da ideal vacation spot...'specially when I's gots no intent on stayin soba."
October 18, 2008
On the road between El Paso, Texas and Santa Fe, New Mexico
Seth had slipped into a ten second nap about the time the bus came to a hault and woke him. He popped his head up and looked out the window. Surely they werent at their next venue yet. Outside he could see a long stretch black limo pulling up along side the bus. The driver got out and walked back to open the door. Moments later he could see D emerging, followed instantly by Schylus. Seth watched him give her a very passonate kiss goodbye. Apparently he had had a plesant time with her in Ireland. He watched D cordially wave goodbye as she pulled the strap of her bag over her shoulder. A few guys from the crew got the rest of her bags and boarded them in the buses cargo hold.
D quietly crept on the bus seeing that for once all the guys were asleep. She herself wasnt quite ready for sleep. Xanax was calling her name. She couldnt really freely take them around Schylus. She really needed some. She slouched down in a seat and began scrounging her purse for her pill bottle.
Seth stretched and rose to his feet. He made his way to the front of the bus as it was taking off again. He leaned over D's shoulder as she popped some pills in her mouth. "How,s Ireland?" He whispered in her ear.
A smile came to her face as she recognized his voice. She was so happy to hear it. She had missed the nights off, unable to do shows with him. "Mmmmm...green," she said as she turned to look at his shadowed silhouette. "So what did you do on your days off?"
He shrugged, "Hung at da hotel."
"Thats all?
"Yeah, ya know...caught up on some sleep an shit." He sat down in the seat opposite of her. He wondered if she knew he was lying. He hadnt slept since she had been gone. He had spent them tweeking with Heather and Nina. Just tonight Tina had scored some methadone to hopefully bring him down. So far it wasnt working so well.
"You look more like youve been up for days, she said checking out the widness of his eyes that was still visible in the dark.
"Is jus dozin off...da bus stoppin wokes me up."
"Your eyes are almost solid black," she noted.
Seth glanced away, "It dark up in 'ere."
D continued trying to study him. He seemed so different lately when she actually talked to him. He was strangely distant. She knew he was trying to hide from her how many drugs he was taking. She knew it was getting out of hand from the things his assistant Jennifer told her assistant Kasey. He was never 100% sober. Even if he appeared to be he wasnt. He could put away enough liquor to get 5 people drunk before you could even tell he had been drinking. D feared he was turning into his mother.
"I worry about you," she eventually whispered, "youre doing so so much..."
"I's straight D," he cut her off not wanting her to worry. "I's still handelin up on shit...I's a'ite."
"I worry mainly...mainly because of the company you keep these days."
He knew that was in reference to Marla. "I's aint gone turn inta no junkie."
"But the whole world knows Marla is...come on shes in rehab as we speak. Has she got you to try it yet?"
Seth was surprised she asked him that. "Naw," he huffed
D slightly shook her head looking at him.
"Don'ts looks at me like dat D. Ya aint know what shit be like for me."
"Then tell me, you know you can tell me anything."
Seth didnt want to get into it and waste what few minutes they may have had discussing depressing things. He opted for a subject change maneuver instead. "S'a...what Schylus workin wit? Do he make ya laugh an cry at da same time likes I can?"
"Is that any of your business?" She smiled.
He leaned over the aisle to her, his lips hovering over hers, eyes locked with hers. "It should be," he whispered. He was dying for a kiss. Why wouldnt she just kiss him?
"Why?" She asked studying his face so close to hers, waiting for a kiss.
He shrugged, "Cuz you's mine...an I's yours."
D's brow creased, "Whats that supposed to mean?"
He backed away slightly seeing that his moment to kiss her had passed. Now things were turning serious again. His brows furrowed as well as he glanced down. "Baby...aint nobody got what yous an me gots," he softly replied.
D could feel her heart starting to melt. This was the first time he had ever called her baby. Now that she thought of it it was maybe the first time she had ever heard him say it period. "And what exactly is it that we have?" She quizzed.
Seth looked at her long and hard. He wished he could find the words to express what all he meant. He sighed and let his spanish take over. He knew she liked it when he spoke spanish anyway. Sometimes it was easier talking to her when she didnt have a clue what he was saying. "Todas...todas eso es perfecto," he cooed softly, "Que' bueno."
D shook her head with a sigh, "Thats not fair, you know I cant understand you. @hat did you say?
He timidly looked at her and parted his lips, "Everthang," he whispered, "e'erthang days perfect...dats good."
Tears began to form in her eyes. Why wouldnt Havoc just let them be together? What they shared together was something real. Why wouldnt Havoc just let them have it
Seth saw his opportunity to kiss her again. He leaned back over to her to stroke the teal rolling down her cheek. "Some day it gone be differ'nt...I's promise." He did his best to try to reassure her.
D nodded as tears fell from her eyes. He gently touched his lips to hers. Now was one of those amazing moments in which time seemed to stop. Any trace of an outside world simply dissappeared. Drugs werent even crossing his mind. All that mattered at that moment was D. All he could think about was all that might have been without Havoc's greed. He and D could have had it all. They could have had a chance at happiness. That was all he had ever wanted.
September 9, 2008
Grand Rapids, Michigan
In the months that followed Marla began to cling to Seth. She always seemed to be lurking around and was almost always wasted. And she shared with Seth. She kept him so full of Vicodin and Methadone that most of the time he didnt even notice she was there. Everyone knew Marla meant nothing to Seth, but she seemed blissfully unaware of that fact. However, dispite his disliking of her, he seemed to spend all of his free time in her company. Why you may ask? Quite simple, he was just trying to stay high. It was easier to miss D when he was high. It made the long hours pass by a little bit more unaware. High seemed to be the only way he could handle it without going utterly insane. Perhaps violently insane. Marla had introduced him to a ton of painkillers to help with that. And so far, he was discovering that they did just that, they killed the pain for a while.
The guys could see, and D could certainly see that Marla was bad news for Seth. In the months that followed their meeting it could be seen that he was notably alot less wired. He seemed evened out, actually more lulled out. Slowly the Seth they all knew was turning into someone else, something else. At one time he had been the life of the party, charming, friendly, magnetic, a person everyone wanted to be around. Now he was becoming reclusive and quiet, unless it was show time. Show time was the only time he went back up to that tweeked out party mode. After the shows he didnt even hang out and indulge in the coke and drinking and groupies. He would quickly dissappear with Marla to the bus or a hotel to start binging on whatever pills they had scored that day. He would become barely lucid. He just wasnt Seth anymore. Everyone saw this happening, but what could they say? He did his job. He performed perfect shows. He did everything Havoc expected of him to a T. Was their a need to say anything? They were all high all the time too. How could they say anything without being hypocrites?
The heroin was always there, just begging for him to try it. Luckily fear kept him on the straight and narrow. He watched Marla do it all the time. He had seen her get it into her system in a number of different ways. Sometimes she smoked it on a little square of tinfoil with a straw. If it was the right type of heroin she would snort it. If it wasnt the right kind she would cook it up in a syringe, remove the needle, and snort it that way. It was the strangest thing he had ever seen. But most of the time she just shot it up. It sometimes turned his stomach watching her search for veins. It made him long to be with D instead of the junkie pop princess.
So far he was able to keep the drugs from interfering with work. Technically all the powers that be were happy. Even though things seemed to be working Seth could feel his world crumbling apart. He was taking so many different things and going up and down. He was miserable, with the exception of the hour and a half a day he got to spend with D onstage. But alot of hours came in between that daily hour and a half. They were long hours in which he didnt know what to do with himself. Drugs filled the gaps. They made him not feel so bad for everything he was putting D through. He hated himself for hurting D.
Schylus's face appeared in D's dressing room mirror. She was a bit surprised to see him there. She wasnt expecting him. He was standing there with flowers in his hand. He was smiling, but it didnt look very warm.
"What are you doing here?" She asked in her best attempt to pretend that she was glad.
"Aye, just catching a wee bit of your show," he answered in his leprechaun voice. The smile he had faked tapered quickly.
"Oh...what did you think?" She asked as she began removing things from her hair.
"T'was...loud," he said as he cleared his throat and looked to the flowers in his hand. In all actuality he wasnt very impressed. He didnt like the way she and Seth touched or looked at one another. It was too sexually suggestive and intimate. This was a girl he was seen in the tabloids with, he wanted a respectable image. He couldnt help but wonder if D had feelings for this Seth Chandler. He was aware that he and D were only together to boost one anothers popularity. They were a picturesque tabloid couple. But how could they be that with her out doing this sort of thing every night?
D's smile diminished as she began removing her make up. It wasnt hard to see that Schylus was bothered by the stage show.
"Well," he sighed, "'nuff unpleasantries. I spoke with your assistant. She says you have a day off tomorrow.
"Yeah," D nodded dredging up another smile.
"How about we take a wee holiday then?"
"Holiday?" D asked not quite sure what he meant.
"Aye," he nodded, "er...a trip...travel."
"To where?" She asked.
"Not entirely sure," he shrugged, "What tis there to see in this part of your country?"
"Uh...Im not sure. Its my first time here too," she shrugged.
"Well...we will leave it for our assistants then shall we?" He nodded and walked into the room further and lay the flowers at D's side. He leaned over and gently kissed her neck. She soon felt his arms wrapping around her. She felt obligated to act as though she liked it. She turned to kiss him and did her best to envision Seth.
Seth sat on the edge of a bed in some cheap motel room that he and Marla had rented in Grand Rapids. He was re dressing himself after a failed attempt to have sex with her. He wasnt sure if it was due to all the methadone he had taked or if it was just the fact that he didnt want her. She held very little attraction for him, maybe it was her habbit that was such a turn off. Marla sat in the bed behind him nodding off from her most recent dose of heroin. For the most part they really didnt have sex that often. Partly because they both stayed too high to attempt it. The main reason being Seth's feelings for D. He may have wanted the drugs Marla supplied him with but his truest craving was for D.
He could feel Marla moving behind him. He sighed to himself as she rested her weight on his shoulders and lightly stroke his cheek. "Its ok baby," she slurred with half open eyes, "maybe later.
Seth glanced at her over his shoulder. He really didnt care if later never came. He really didnt want to sleep with her even if he could. He wanted D. Things felt different in a much better way with D. D made him care to try his best. With Marla and every other girl he just didnt care.he could come off as a bit of a jerk to those he didnt want. He never cuddled, he never kissed. He never let them spend the night. Marla however he had to let stay because it was expected. She was supposed to appear as his girlfriend for all intents and purposes.
Seth closed his eyes with a deep sigh. Marla continued whispering comforting words about his lack of performance, but he wasnt even listening. He didnt care about any of that. He missed D. It had been four agonizing months since he had stolen a night in her arms. Now they barely ever rode together on the bus. They both spent alot of time traveling solo with Marla and Schylus. But each night on stage they got the joy of meeting one another all over again. Most nights he couldnt wait to get there. It was really the only place he ever wanted to be.
Seth hated picking up magazines and seeing he and D with other people looking happy when they were anything but. His stomach turned at the thought od Schylus touching D. He was persuing her with a textbook approach of jetting her off to exotic plces. Since they had met he had already taken her to Movie awards, the Bahamas, and the Kentucky Derby. Seth didnt feel like he could compete with that. Havoc made sure he had no time to wisk her away. He felt like Schylus was taking D away from him. He knew this was Havocs plan, but it wasnt his. Maybe if they would have paired her with someone else it could be more bearable. Schylus O'Neary was a cocky, self absorbed opportunist. He seemed possessive over D. He looked as if he wanted to attack any man who dare look at her. Seth had heard of his opinion on him as well. He hated their stage shows. Seth always knew if Schylus was at a show by the way D would be standoffish on stage with him. Sometimes, Seth being Seth, would touch and caress her even more on those forbidden nights under Schylus's glare.
It took alot of effort from everyone to keep Schylus and Seth's paths from crossing. The press didnt help. They had turned Seth and D into two of the hottest celebrities in the nation. Their faces were absolutely everywhere. It was hard for Schylus to not let it add fuel to the fire. D had told him countless times that it was all for show but Schylus wasnt buying it. He was a man after all. He could see all too well that Seth wanted D. Schylus was extremely jealous of Seth, and Seth of Schylus. He was always slamming Seth in the press. Seth refused to even utter Schylus's name or discuss him at all. It would only be a matter of time before they bumped heads. It wasnt going to be pretty when it did happen. Seth had a tendency to go crazy when he got mad and lose all rational thinking.
September 14,2008
Kansas city, Kansas
D awoke to the sound of Schylus on the phone. He was speaking english but she couldnt understand a damn word he was saying. She sighed, her sleep disturbed, and sat up in the bed feeling the lingering effects of yesterdays Xanax.
"Morning love," he said covering up the phones speaker with his hand.
She pulled a smile of sorts to her face as she watched him continue his conversation in an undecipherable english. She threw the covers back and slid on a hotel robe, got up and sat in a chair watching him.
Schylus soon covered the speaker again and redirected his attention back to her. "Order us some tea Aye?"
D knew her version of tea and his differed. She wasnt sure how to go about ordering it. She had heard him order it several times but had never payed much attention. She really didnt care enough about him to learn his likes and dislikes. D crossed to the nightstand and picked up her Xanax. Hearing the clatter of the pills Schylus turned around just in time to see her popping them in her mouth. He quickly ended his call with some Irish salutation and turned his attention back to her.
"Aye, arent those to be taken at bedtime? What are they?"
"Xanax, she shrugged, "you want one?"
"Aye, so I can run bout like your wanker band mates?" He huffed. "Absolutely not," he shook his head in dissappointment. "You should know better. I had best not see that again. No lady of mine tis going to be seen as some rock star junkie."
D didnt much care for his brashness. "One..." she firmly spoke, "Im not a rock star. Two...Im not even a band member. And three... Im not a junkie."
"Aye, but that poison'll change that," he motioned to the bottle in her hand. "Dont be so weak."
"Im not weak," she snapped.
Schylus drew his breath in, "Do not raise your voice at me love."
"Who the hell do you think you are?" D fumed.
"The man youve chosen to date," he snapped back, "or do you prefer your Seth Chandler like everyone says.?"
"Shut up," she rolled her eyes.
"Tis a legitimate question. How do you think any man would feel seeing his girlfriend dance about lovingly, half dressed, with some dope head rock star every night?"
"Its just an act," she barked. "You of all people should know that, youre the hot shot actor!"
Schylus smiled sarcastically, "Precisely why I question it love. Do you know how long i had to study me acting before i got a break? Seth Chandler is nothing more than an uneducated, unfortunate drug addict. He couldnt act if his life depended on it. And you love, lets face it you are horrible at even helping read me lines."
"youre such a prick," she mumbled under her breath.
"Perhaps, but tis I who is one of the leading actors out there...you need me."
D drew her breath in trying to remain calm. Schylus was such an asshole. However Havoc was pretty much holding a gun to her head.
October 13, 2008
El Paso, Texas
Many more long and agonizing weeks drug by with many more shows in many more cities. They had slipped into comfortable routines after 7 long months on the road. Their rock and roll dreams had become an exhausting full time job that took the aid of several drugs. At the end of most days they found themselves laying next to someone whos name they couldnt even remember. Things ran together and blurred. Every city looked the same, every highway, and every hotel. Most of the time they didnt even know where they were. Life on the go was alot different than it had been before Havoc. Essentially they were doing the same thing, but now there was limos, security, 18 wheelers, tour busses, a crew, a manager, groupies, drugs, and of course Havoc who supplied it all.
Seth was lonely without D. It had been 5 months since he was able to have time with her or even to steal a quick kiss. Being on stage with her was starting to feel like chinese water torture. What had always been his favorite part of the day was now becoming his hardest. On the stage he could touch her and let his emotions spill out. It was heaven. %hen when it was over he was expected to flip some imaginary switch and lock it all away. He hated standing by and pretending it didnt matter. It caused a fire he had to extinguish with excessive drugs.
The week befor Marla had been arrested in New York for public intoxication and possession of Heroin. She was ordered to 6 months of rehab down in Florida. With her gone everyone assumed she would return to normal, but a week later he was still the same, if not worse. He absence hadnt kept him from scoring drugs. In their world there was no escape, they were a constant given. So were the girls.
D hated watching him with those sluts. She loved him so much it was heartbreak. She was supposed to be the one he laughed with. It was her bed he was supposed to pass out in. Havoc had almost completely taken him away from her. She carried on with all her substitutions for him, but no one could be his stand in. She tried anaestheizing things with Xanax, but it never completely worked. Schylus was on to her about her feeling for Seth by the way she always defended him. It would take a blind deaf mute to see she wasnt in love with him.Brian was starting to notice their behavior. He didnt care if they stayed high as long as it was good for business. A friend would say something. D wasnt even away how bad Seth was. She only saw him onstage well medicated with Dexedrine and coke. He always appeared mostly the same to her. With Marla gone the guys were seeing the bigger picture. He had to be around them to score from the groipies. They knew he was going from one extreme to the other. They saw the lulled out looks. They saw how much it took to bring him back up. He ate Dexedrine like candy, but it seemed to have little effect on him these days.
Seth stared blankly at the guitar in his lap. He tried to play but was much too high on some Norco's he had scored fron Tina. Now he was questioning whether he should have taken ten at once or not. The show started in a few hours and he was nowhere near prepared to be entergetic. He rubbed his eyes and sat his guitar against his amp. He fumbled his pockets until he found his Dexedrine. He removed 6 from the bottle and popped them in his mouth. He glanced over his shoulder as he stuffed his bottle back in his pocket. He could see D off in the distance cozied up with Schylus. Seth hoped he recognized that distant look of boredom on her face.
He absolutely hated watching that jerk with D. Despite the fact that she wasnt his to be jealous over, he was. He hated sharing her with him, if he could even say he was sharing her anymore. 5 months was long enough to question that. Seth, who had always been able to size people up in an instant, could tell Schylus was a domineering type. He knew that what he and D did onstage caused problems for her. He imagined if he were in Schylus's shoes he would probably feel the same.
He painstakenly watched as Schylus bent down and kissed D passionately. Too passionately. Seth just wanted to run over to him and punch him in the face. Maybe he was wrong for that but it was how he felt at the moment. Sometimes when he was loaded enough it didnt matter so much, But right now he just wasnt at that state of high. He hated Schylus O'Neary. Schylus had the ability to show D the world. Havoc had clipped his wings and made it impossible for him to do that. It should have been him that was showing D the good life. He had the money, but all he was able to do was tour city after city and never see the sights. All he got to see were stadiums, hotels, and the long roads that blurred it all together. There were no sandy beaches and helecopter rides. There were no fancy dinners in resteraunts. There were no whimsical vacations to exotic places. There was no seeing anything unless it could be seen from a bus window or a high rise hotel suite. It wasnt at all hoe Brian said it would be.
Seth glanced to the two of them again. He saw the smile on D's lips but her eyes were unhappy. He knew he meant more to her than Schylus. He knew at one point she could have been his. Had Schylus stolen any chance of that? Had he let her drift away? He sighed, feeling sick. It killed him watching her. He wiahed he could just show her how much he cared. He wanted her to know that things just werent over for him. He wanted her to know his thoughts were always on her. He wanted her to know she was the most important thing in his exsistance. He would give anything to be the one standing there kissing her like that. On stage with her time just stopped. It was as if nothing but her hypnotic aquatic eyes and apple scent remained. His arms longed for her at night. He really hoped she somehow knew these things.
Seth didnt like the way he felt. He didnt know if it was Schylus or the coctail of pills that was making him want to throw up. His eyes fell to the stage floor unable to watch any longer. He was too high. He needed to wake up faster than the Dexedrine was working. He needed to score some coke or some meth. He turned to look at the groupies. He scanned then trying to find one that could get him what he needed. He ran his hand over his face adn looked for the strength to cross over to them.. His feet felt like bricks and he was pretty sure he was shuffling. He knew his eyes had to be drooping. He couldnt perform like this.
The girls saw him approaching and began straightening their postures and flashing big smiles.
"Well hell-o Seth," Nina gleamed.
"Wuz up?" The words seemed to trickle out of his expressionless face.
Dr. Kitty squint one eye and pointed at him. "You look a bit...slow.
He nodded, "Ya's gots somethin ta sends me da otha way...fast?"
"Yeah sure," she smiled, "I can get you some meth from Heather. She just got two eight balls this morning."
"Straight," seth robotically grabbing a piece of paper someone was shoving at him for an autograph. He scribbled his name on it.
Dr. Kitty left in search of Heather. Nina smiled and slithered her way to Seth swaying in the nonexsistant breeze. She reclined her elbows back on a road case and spoke. "How many pills did you take?"
"Dunno," Seth slurred with slanted eyes.
"Too much makes you a zombie. You have to be able to perform you know...no Seth, no show."
"I's gone be straight," he muttered.
"You know its not some competition to see who can take the most."
"Aint it?" He sighed looking back over his shoulder at Schylus and D.
Nina couldnt help but notice the way he looked at them. She could tell he was bothered by the sight of them together. It was never spoken but they all knew Seth and D were in love with one another, even if they didnt seem to know it themselves. Nobody could explain why they just didnt hook up. Nina herself had had the pleasure of bedding Seth a couple times as a reward for drugs. The sex was good, but it was robotic and emotionless. He showed little desire to even be there at all. It seemed like more of a duty to him and less of a privaledge. His mind always seemed to be somewhere else. When he had finished he would waste no time in sending her on her way. There were no thank you's, had a good time, or see you laters. If she tried to kiss him he would always turn his head and become rigid. Nina just assumed D was the reason behind all of that. The press painted a secret love story of them too. The people like herself who were behind the scenes knew it was real. But something had apparently happened between them. The two that had once been inseperable were now distant. When they gazed upon one another that secret love was easily noticable. Why were they with different people when they clearly wanted one another. They both seemed to hurt.
"Why dont you just hook up with her?" Nina asked a dazed out Seth.
"Huh?" He asked snapping back to reality, "Who?"
Nina smiled broadly, "The one you cant take your eyes off of," she motioned to D with the flick of her head.
"We's do hook up," he mumbled. He didnt even know why he was talking to this girl. "Dat is when she's aint off wit James Bond ova there."
Nina huffed, "Or when you arent out with us girls or Marla."
He just glanced at her without a response.
"So," Nina sighed changing the subject, "youve got a few nights off. I overheard D's assistant making arrangements for her and Schylus to fly to Ireland."
"An?" Seth sighed.
"And maybe you should take the time to go do something too. Maybe fly down to Florida and visit Marla? Take a little mini vaca alone...or not alone..."
"Marla in rehab," he tisked. "Not 'xactly da ideal vacation spot...'specially when I's gots no intent on stayin soba."
October 18, 2008
On the road between El Paso, Texas and Santa Fe, New Mexico
Seth had slipped into a ten second nap about the time the bus came to a hault and woke him. He popped his head up and looked out the window. Surely they werent at their next venue yet. Outside he could see a long stretch black limo pulling up along side the bus. The driver got out and walked back to open the door. Moments later he could see D emerging, followed instantly by Schylus. Seth watched him give her a very passonate kiss goodbye. Apparently he had had a plesant time with her in Ireland. He watched D cordially wave goodbye as she pulled the strap of her bag over her shoulder. A few guys from the crew got the rest of her bags and boarded them in the buses cargo hold.
D quietly crept on the bus seeing that for once all the guys were asleep. She herself wasnt quite ready for sleep. Xanax was calling her name. She couldnt really freely take them around Schylus. She really needed some. She slouched down in a seat and began scrounging her purse for her pill bottle.
Seth stretched and rose to his feet. He made his way to the front of the bus as it was taking off again. He leaned over D's shoulder as she popped some pills in her mouth. "How,s Ireland?" He whispered in her ear.
A smile came to her face as she recognized his voice. She was so happy to hear it. She had missed the nights off, unable to do shows with him. "Mmmmm...green," she said as she turned to look at his shadowed silhouette. "So what did you do on your days off?"
He shrugged, "Hung at da hotel."
"Thats all?
"Yeah, ya know...caught up on some sleep an shit." He sat down in the seat opposite of her. He wondered if she knew he was lying. He hadnt slept since she had been gone. He had spent them tweeking with Heather and Nina. Just tonight Tina had scored some methadone to hopefully bring him down. So far it wasnt working so well.
"You look more like youve been up for days, she said checking out the widness of his eyes that was still visible in the dark.
"Is jus dozin off...da bus stoppin wokes me up."
"Your eyes are almost solid black," she noted.
Seth glanced away, "It dark up in 'ere."
D continued trying to study him. He seemed so different lately when she actually talked to him. He was strangely distant. She knew he was trying to hide from her how many drugs he was taking. She knew it was getting out of hand from the things his assistant Jennifer told her assistant Kasey. He was never 100% sober. Even if he appeared to be he wasnt. He could put away enough liquor to get 5 people drunk before you could even tell he had been drinking. D feared he was turning into his mother.
"I worry about you," she eventually whispered, "youre doing so so much..."
"I's straight D," he cut her off not wanting her to worry. "I's still handelin up on shit...I's a'ite."
"I worry mainly...mainly because of the company you keep these days."
He knew that was in reference to Marla. "I's aint gone turn inta no junkie."
"But the whole world knows Marla is...come on shes in rehab as we speak. Has she got you to try it yet?"
Seth was surprised she asked him that. "Naw," he huffed
D slightly shook her head looking at him.
"Don'ts looks at me like dat D. Ya aint know what shit be like for me."
"Then tell me, you know you can tell me anything."
Seth didnt want to get into it and waste what few minutes they may have had discussing depressing things. He opted for a subject change maneuver instead. "S'a...what Schylus workin wit? Do he make ya laugh an cry at da same time likes I can?"
"Is that any of your business?" She smiled.
He leaned over the aisle to her, his lips hovering over hers, eyes locked with hers. "It should be," he whispered. He was dying for a kiss. Why wouldnt she just kiss him?
"Why?" She asked studying his face so close to hers, waiting for a kiss.
He shrugged, "Cuz you's mine...an I's yours."
D's brow creased, "Whats that supposed to mean?"
He backed away slightly seeing that his moment to kiss her had passed. Now things were turning serious again. His brows furrowed as well as he glanced down. "Baby...aint nobody got what yous an me gots," he softly replied.
D could feel her heart starting to melt. This was the first time he had ever called her baby. Now that she thought of it it was maybe the first time she had ever heard him say it period. "And what exactly is it that we have?" She quizzed.
Seth looked at her long and hard. He wished he could find the words to express what all he meant. He sighed and let his spanish take over. He knew she liked it when he spoke spanish anyway. Sometimes it was easier talking to her when she didnt have a clue what he was saying. "Todas...todas eso es perfecto," he cooed softly, "Que' bueno."
D shook her head with a sigh, "Thats not fair, you know I cant understand you. @hat did you say?
He timidly looked at her and parted his lips, "Everthang," he whispered, "e'erthang days perfect...dats good."
Tears began to form in her eyes. Why wouldnt Havoc just let them be together? What they shared together was something real. Why wouldnt Havoc just let them have it
Seth saw his opportunity to kiss her again. He leaned back over to her to stroke the teal rolling down her cheek. "Some day it gone be differ'nt...I's promise." He did his best to try to reassure her.
D nodded as tears fell from her eyes. He gently touched his lips to hers. Now was one of those amazing moments in which time seemed to stop. Any trace of an outside world simply dissappeared. Drugs werent even crossing his mind. All that mattered at that moment was D. All he could think about was all that might have been without Havoc's greed. He and D could have had it all. They could have had a chance at happiness. That was all he had ever wanted.
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