FicWad

CHAPTER 33: FOR THE LOVE OF D
June 3, 2009
Seattle, Washington

The bus hummed down some lonely highway like all the rest for Seattle. Seth felt awful for leaving D the way he had in Olympia. He ruined their precious stolen moment for a lousy fix. He should have stayed there with her, withdrawal or not. He was afraid he had destroyed every last shred of whatever it was they clung to. It was painfully obvious that he had chosen the dope over her. He knew how bad that must have hurt her. His guilt was unbearable. it just made him want to be that more loaded so he didnt have to face his own guilt.
He felt a million miles apart from her, even when he was on stage with her. The distance seemed to only grow with his addiction. He hated what he had become. He didnt want to be like this...not a junkie. He never wanted to push D away but he feared he was powerless not to. The dope was in control of him now. They controled his mind and his actions. He hated himself for allowing this to happen.
He raised his shirt sleeve examining a large vein going up his bicep. He placed the needle tip over it and pressed it into his flesh. Ahhh, that sweet familiar sting. He pulled back and saw that rewarding cloud of blood infiltrate the dope. He pushed downward releasing it into his body. Then, just like heaven, all the worry, doubt, regret, and pain vanished from his world. He drew in a deep sigh as warm waved of intoxication, unmatched by anything, swept through him and flushed his entire body. He felt himself fading away to that familiar safe place of numbness.
He collected his drug paraphernalia and put it away. He rested at the end of the couch, with his arm leaning over the edge, staring blankly out the window at the passing lights. The light through the dark limo tint it was the only thing that could be made out. It was rather hypnotic. He was so glad nothing mattered to him right now. He found himself comfortably numb in a weightless, space-less, timeless void. It took a very large dose of heroin to reach this state of perfection, but like everything, it didnt matter.
Then D appeared in the doorway watching Seth sitting there with that tell tell spaced out look on his face. She couldnt help but notice he got worse by the day. She never dreamed he would lose time with her to find dope. Having overdosed from it herself only made her worry for him more. She had no idea how to help him.
"You mind some company?" She eventually asked after standing unnoticed for so long.
Seths eyes eventually float in her direction. His expressionless face was so rugged and unkept. He sinally let out a faint sound sounding as if he were struggling to breathe, "Suuuure.
D walked into the lounge and shut the door behind her. "Everyone is asleep but us, she said hoping he wouldnt mind the quality time. She sat next to him on the couch. "You mind if I watch some TV?" She asked when he showed no interest in getting closer to her.
He replied with a grunt as he zoned out on the street lights. D took it as a go ahead. She channel surfed seeing nothing of interest. TV wasnt what she had really come back there for. She was only there to be near him. Then she stopped channel surfing out of reflex hearing her and Seth's names on the TV. It was some latenight show cracking up about them.
It eventually captured Seth's delayed attention, "Change dat sssshit," he muttered in a weak whisper.
D looked over at him to be met by his empty uncaring eyes. She changed the channel to rap videos knowing he wouldnt object. His lifeless stare fell back out the window.
"Youre doing alot, she sighed softly, "of heroin..."
He eventually replied in a throaty mumble, "S'prised ya's rememba."
D looked at him in confusion. "Are you mad at me?"
His head eventually shook still peering at the lights.
D wished so much that he would even act as though he wanted her there. Right now he was oblivious to her some million miles away. He seemed to neither want her company or conversation. D didnt know if she should stay or not. She decided to try small talk. "I cant believe we are about to get a whole 6 months off. I cant wait to get my life back. I feel like I havent stopped in years. Im tired of all this..."
Seth made no reply. D didnt even know if he was even paying attention. So she sat in silence. If only he would just look at her. She remembered a time when he couldnt keep them off her. He used to look at her with dancing eyes and a sexy smirk. He used to kiss her tenderly on the shoulder every chance he got. He used to not be able to resist her or the urge to touch her. It had been so long since that perfect time they no longer had. Tears flooded her eyes as she drew her breath in.
"Why wont you touch me?" She said lightly as she turned to him crying.
His head faced her and looked at her blankly. He heard her words, but right now her words were meaningless. He knew they shouldnt have been. He knew her tears werent there without reason. He knew she expected him to say something. But what?
"What happen?" She asked. "How did everything turn out like this? Us...how did we get like this?" She dried her tears with a sniffle, "This isnt you Seth. Youre smarter than this. Better than this. Youve let that shit turn you into someone else...Its taken me away from you, just like Havoc has. i dont want to lose you. I want you back like you were...smiling, flirty, sexy, and suave. I want back that guy who made everyone want to be around him. I want back that guy who wanted me...even if it was only long enough for one look, or a kiss to my shoulder..." she sniffled again, "Why did you let everything take that guy away? I really cared about that guy...and I just want him back."
Seth's emotions were too numb to feel the empathy he knew he should have had, but he just couldnt. He could see she needed some assurance that everything would be ok, but anyore he just didnt know. He loved her, but the words just werent there. He forced himself to sit up a bit straighter. He ran his hand across the seat and ran his fingers over her hand. He missed her so much. Their brief encounters just werent enough. He wanted things back the way they had been too. Them not being that way was killing him. Almost losing her formed a guilt that tortured his soul. The whole baby issue ached in him daily. Her not hearing him finally tell her he loved her was unbearable.
"I's still 'ere D," he whispered as he tugged her closer to him. "I's jus had ta be numb," he wrapped her in his embrace, or what he could form of one.
"Numb to what?" She asked hugging him to her, feeling his bones.
His response time was delayed. He wished he could feel the enjoyment of her there in his arms. He knew he should have, but numbness had encompassed him. "Not bein wit you's..."
D moved back and looked at him. He looked so different. The only thing there to tell her this was her Seth was the scars and those lips. She leaned in and lightly kissed him.
He shook his head, "D...I's caint right no..."
"You cant kiss me?" She asked injured by his words.
He sighed and tried to look her in the eyes and say something honest. He was so numb. "I aint want shit ta be like dis no mo."
"How do you want them to be?" She said with a tear rolling down her cheek.
God he should have told her he loved her. She needed to hear it. He needed to say it. He stroked a tear away from her cheek, "I wants you's D...always you's...Da dope make da shit hurt less. I aint want ta be like dis no mo...I wants ta stop...I's jus want you's. No mo heroin...a'ite?"
D looked at him hopeful yet cautious. "You promise?"
His lazy head nodded, "You,s alls I eva wanted...Iffin you wont leave...an you's an me go back like we wuz...I's promise."
She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and shoulders. "Im right here."

June 7, 2009
Astoria, Oregon

That week that followed Seth's decision to no longer do heroin was rough for everyone. He was so sick. Projectiles came from everywhere. His muscles aches and visibly crawled under his skin. His bones felt like they were breaking. His nose ran abundantly with mucus. He sweat bucket fulls. His temperature spiked. He couldnt sleep. If by some chance he did drift off he had horrible nightmares, or maybe he wasnt asleep at all and they were hallucinations. He was so dehydrated that Dr. Gibbons pit an IV in him, which constantly got ripped out. Havoc cancelled 3 shows so they could hole up in some little town outside Portland.
Everyone was happy Seth was doing this. He had been taking so many drugs it was insane. The dope and the demands of the road had taken such a toll on him. Oddly enough they all rallied together to help Seth do this. Without him there would be no Faithless. He was the heart of this band and D, its heartbeat. So they took turns sitting with Seth. In this state he couldnt be left alone. He would just sneak off and score to kill the pain. He couldnt fight the intense craving on his own.
The first 5 days were the worst. Seth would become completely manic at times. He would yell and scream and throw things. He tried escaping alot, always stopped by Javier. He threatened to kill each and every last one of them, not to mention himself. He said so many bean and cruel obscenities to them all. He had took a swing at so many of them. He was too dangerous to let D be around him, despite how much they begged for one another. It eventually became too much for them.
They begged Dr. Gibbons to just put him in a coma. It would be easier for them and easier for Seth. So Dr. Gibbons kept him pumped full of Thorazine. All he did was sleep and drool. He couldnt eat or hold anything on his stomach. So the doctor kept him loaded with vitamins and fluids. He urged Havoc to send Seth to a hospital or a rehab, but they refused wanting to keep the matter quiet. They instead let Dr. Gibbons convert his hotel room into a makeshift ICU.

Brian walked out Seth's room to see D nervously pacing the hallway. She was always waiting there, waiting for word, waiting to see him, waiting for anything. They just didnt want D to have to see him like this. They know he wouldnt want it.
"How is he today?" She asked rushing up to him.
"Doing the Thorazine shuffle," he said rubbing his neck. He looked at her expression beg fro more information. "I cant tell if hes any better yet. Doc's taking him off the Thorazine today. He says the worst of the detox should be over by now."
"Can I see him yet?" She begged.
"D," he sighed, his pale blue eyes darting downward, "You really dont want to see him right now. Hes...not Seth right now."
"Hes sedated...Ive gotta see him Bri. He needs me."
"Theres nothing you can do."
"I can at least hold his hand...Dont you get that all this is my fault? He did all of this because of me...And now..." Her sobs came loose.
Brian wrapped his arms around her and held her silently for a moment. "How can you love him so much?" He sighed. "I mean after everything thats been done?"
She could only shrug.
Brian sighed and reached over and opened Seth's door. "Just be sure somebodys here before you go."
She smiled and wiped away her tears. Brian walked off as she drew her breath in and went into Seth's room. There was an odd bad smell in the air. She could see him sitting in a chair by the window. His body was slouched and his head was rested on the arm of the chair. She moved closer. An IV stand sat to his left with a couple bags hanging on it. She sought out his face to find his eyes open, gazing out the window. She could see a trail of clear spit seeping from the corner of his mouth.
She knelt down to look into his eyes. "Seth...Seth its me...D."
He blinked his eyes in acknowledgement that she was there, but he couldnt speak. For the most part the Thorazine had him in a waking coma. They said he hadnt uttered a word in days. He couldnt even hold his own head up. He couldnt swallow his own spit. He was able to stand, but when he tried to walk his feet would just drag the floor. He tried to let out a mumble of some sort. D pulled his limp body into her embrace. He was like a rag doll in her arms. He hadnt the strength to fold his arms around her. He knew she was there, but his emotions seemed dead from the Thorazine. Even heroin hadnt numbed him like this.
"Please come back to me Seth," she softly cried. She wanted the man she loved back.
D sat all day with him in the dank musky destroyed hotel room. It was around midnight when the Thorazine began to fade. She was startled by Seth gasping for air and sitting up in the bed with wide eyes. His whose body was rigid and tense.
D rushed to his side to calm him. "Shhh...its ok...it was just a dream...just a bad dream.
Finally he felt her there with him. No substances were blocking her now. His eyes began flooding with tears and he squeezed her hand. "D..." he faintly moaned with a dry pasty mouth.
"Its ok," she said kissing his hand with a tender smile, "Youre ok now."
"W...w...where...wes at" He softly mumbled.
"In some tiny town in Oregon. They cancelled 3 shows so you could get better. Its been six days."
"I caint rememba nothin," he drowsily spoke, still crying.
"Its probably best you dont...youve had a rough week," She smiled to his pale face and sunken in cheeks.
"Las thang Is rememba wuz...punchin Brina...den e'erthang went black," he hoarsely spoke.
"Dr. Gibbons has had you on Thorazine for the past 3 days...so if you feel...How do you feel?"
"I's confused...I's hurt...sore...an wants some dope."
"But you..."
"Promised..." he cut her off, "I do...jus caint stop thankin bout it...aint gonna stop ova night I's guess." He glanced up at her. "I dont want it no mo...jus you's."
D smiled and wiped away tears. This almost sounded like her Seth again.
"I's missed you's while I's gone..."
"I missed you too," she smiled, "think you can sit up?"
He nodded and slowly sat himelf up on the dise of the bed.
"Ill run you a bath," D said as she headed for the bathroom.
When he stood up he could see his reflection in a shattered mirror across the room. He looked awful. He almost had a beard. His skin looked so grey and thin like paper. His eyes were sunken in so far. His jaw bones jutted out like some anorexic teen girl. He ran his hands down his ribs. He was so skinny. He felt weak and dizzy. He grabbed any object he could for support trying to make it to the bathroom. D re entered the room and saw him struggle. She wrapped her arm around his waist to help him. He smelled awful. The only thing Seth could smell was apples. God how he had missed the smell of D.
"I's weak..."
"You need food," she said. "We have to get you strong enough for the show tomorrow."
He gave her an unsure look, "I aint know iffin I's can do all dat."
"Well lets hope a bath and some food will make you feel like a whole new man."
Seth caught a whiff of himself as D pulled his shirt over his head. "I...I's smell..."
"Its ok," She assured.
"I's...embarrassed."
"Well dont be. Im so proud of you."
He sighed as D helped him into the tub. "I's not s'a proud... I's feel real stupid," he said sliding down into the warm water.
"Well youre not," she said reaching for the soap, "stupid would be if you were out getting loaded. This...this isnt stupid at all. This is a very good thing."
"I's still emnarrassed D," he sighed running the soap down his arm. "An I's scared...what if I's caint do dis no mo?"
"Oh come on, the Seth Chandler I know can do anything."
"What iffin I aint dat person no mo?" He warily asked.
"You are...its just going to take some time to come back from all this," she said soaping down a second rag.
Seth glanced over at the track marks on the inside of his arm. He ran his finger tip across them. "Ya's thank they'sll go away?"
She nodded, "Theyll fade...like any scar."
Seth studied her face as she washed his foot. Of everything he had experienced in his life, all the horrible things with their mental and physical pains attached, nothing hurt worse than loving someone you couldnt be with. He couldnt go back to the way things had been in the past months. He couldnt keep going in a seperate direction from D. He needed her. He needed her in order to be a better him.
"I's done wit Havoc callin da shots. When we's go on break...we's gone get back ta normal."
"Whats normal?" She dismissively chuckled.
He didnt have an answer. This was the love of his life. He was going to be with her, one way or another. And fuck anybody who got in his way or didnt like it. Marla Abrams was the first thing that had to go. Slowly Seth began coming back and turning into the magnetic guy he had once been. He spent any moment he could with D. Havoc hated it, but what could they do? He was tired of them living his life for him. Their way turned him into a heroin addict. Things just worked better when he had his D time.