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CHAPTER 42: HEADLONG
April 7, 2010
Helsinki, Finland

"SETH!" Said a stern female voice as she smacked the side of his face.
Vera's image came to mind as his head lifted ever so slightly. His eyes parted to reveal a needle stuck in his arm. He could make out Tina and Dr. Kitty standing over him, all three of them crammed into a bathroom stall.
"Wake up! Youre nodding off before you can even finish shooting it," Tina spoke carefully removing the needle from his arm.
"Youre trying to do too much," Kitty said trying to raise his head by his chin. She closely studied his face. "You ok?" She asked and let go of his chin. It instantly fell to his chest. "Shit Tina...I think hes really fucked up."
Tinas lazy eyes scanned him over, "Hes fine, she dismissively remarked. "He'll come to in a minute," she said staggering from the stall not giving Seth a second thought.
"We cant just leave him like this," Kitty called out but Tina kept walking.
Javier who was in the bathroom by the sinks heard everything. He rushed out the door and got Jennifer. He led her to the bathroom stall where Seth was. By now Dr. Kitty was gone too. Seth was wedged between the toilet and the wall. A blood trickle was running down his arm.
"Seth?" She asked stooping in front of him. Her trembling hand reached out to shake him, "Seth?"
He slightly lifted his head an inch or so upward, just enough that Jennifer could see a trickling stream of clear spit seep from his lips. His eyes were rolling backwards in his head.
"Seth! Get up!" She shouted with a shaky voice as she jolt his shoulder.
Vera's milky white eyes stared into his for a moment but quickly went aqua blue. Where was D?
"D..." He faintly replied, still unable to lift his head.
"Seth are you ok!? Talk to me!" Jennifer continued to shake him.
"Mmmmm...st...a...ight," he slowly slurred.
"Go get the Doctor," Jennifer told Javier.
Seth knew that if Dr. Gibbons came he would just sober him up. He didnt want to be sober. He didnt want to be alert to what was going on around him. He liked this place he was in right now. It was peaceful there. "N...n...no doc..." He would rather be with this vast nothingness that was encompasing him. It gave him a lingering feeling similar to when he stood in a wide open place of nothingness and peace. Had he found it again? Had he made it there again?
Moments, hours, seconds later he could feel the piercing of a needle in his arm. He felt his heart starting to pump. His eyes opened. Dr. Gibbons had given him something. He felt alert again. The peacefullness was gone. Sobriety hovered him.
"You ok Seth?" Jennifer asked with a very concerned look on her face.
Seth sighed with a nod and got up and onto his feet. He exited the stall and went over to the sink and cut it on. He could hear Dr. Gibbons as he left the bathroom, "No more heroin tonight Seth, ok? I just used the last of my Narcan on you.
Seth gave a slight nod of acknowledgement as he splashed water on his face. He could soon see Jennifers reflection behind him. She looked rattled and terrified. He could also see the underlying disappointment on her face. He saw sympathy which he had always hated.
"Dont looks at me like dat Jen," he spoke pouring water over the back of his neck. "Yous dont know shit," he mumbled.
"I know that when Dr. Gibbons got here your respirations were 11 times a minute. He said one more hour and you would be dead!"
He turned the water off and shook the excess from his fingertips. "Yas shoulda lets me die," he mumbled reclining the weight of himself on his palms at the sides of the sink. He felt like he had been up for days on coke and Dexedrine. He felt tired and drained. His emotions were no longer numb. The pain was back. Thoughts and images of D were back.
Jennifer remembered the scars on his wrists. Apparently Seth had suicidal tendencies. "How can you even say that?"
"What good I's is Jen?" He shrugged, "What I gots ta live for?"
She looked to him staring down at the sinks drain. "You have D. You love her."
Seth smirked and pushed his weight off the sink. He turned to face her. "D in LA...she pregnant...an shes wont even talks ta me."
Her lips parted in shock. "D's pregnant?"
Seth looked down nodding, "An shes wont even fuckin text me." He sighed and stared up at the ceiling shaking his head. She could see a tear rolling from the corner of his eye. "Damnit," he said softly wiping away the tear. "Why you's go an gets Doc?" He turned and left the bathroom.

Seth went back to the hotel and drank himself into an oblivion. There was no smack to be had. He drank until he no longer felt spun. He actually felt sober. If he kept drinking maybe he would actually get drunk. He drank until huge tears clouded his vision. He drank to D. He drank to the baby he may never know. He felt like he did when he was 13, like this world held nothing for him. Why was this happening? There was a light knock at his door. He dried his drunken tears and staggered to the door to answer it. He prayed for it to be D on the other side. It was only Jennifer.
Jennifer instantly took note of his red bloodshot eyes, flushed cheeks and red nose. The tears were collected in his eyelashes. He had been crying. She wished so much there was something she could do to help him. No one could help him but D. She needed to talk to him about the baby at least.
"What?" he asked swaying a bit giving away how drunk he was.
"I just wanted to check on you before I called it a night," she said examining his state closely.
"Alls outta dope Jen," he drunkenly sway, "I's straight...ya's aint gots ta babysit me."
"I...Im not," she shook her head. "I just wanted you to know Im here if you wanted to talk. I know how much this all means to you."
Seth looked down as tears flooded his eyes once more. D had always been the one he talked to and she wasnt there. He had never felt so all alone. Jennifer stepped inside the door and wrapped her arms around him. She didnt know what else to do. She felt him letting go with sobs as his fingers clung to her shirt.
"She hate me Jen," he cried out, "she gone have dat baby an neva lets me see it."
"She wouldnt do that to you," Jennifer soothingly spoke trying her best to comfort him. "Shes just confused and upset right now."
Seth began backing away He covered his face with both hands as a seried of hard sobs followed. He moved his hands and exclaimed, "It hurt Jen! What da fuck it gots ta hurt so much for?" He sank to his knees sobbing even louder into his hands. He was a wreck.
Jennifer felt so bad for him.
"What I's do Jen? Why she leave?" He begged me for answers I didnt have as he clutches himself around my waist clt I's do Jen? Why she leave? for answnging to me like a small crying child. "I aint wants ta hurt no mo."

April 20, 2010
Reykjavik, Iceland

Faithless got studio time in Iceland and recorded Seth's song for D. Oddly enough Brian didnt oppose to it at all. He knew a hit when he heard one. Seth sang his heart out in this song. He would break out into tears at time and they would have to do a re take. He drank and drank and drank. They worried he would start slurring, but he didnt. They managed to lay the track and get it done.
It was such a beautiful ballad. Martin actually lay some piano tracks for it. They expected that Havoc would reject it. But to their surprise they didnt. They promoted the hell out of it. In one day it was a hit in the states. Within 3 days it was on the charts in Europe too. Now the fans were chanting to hear it. "You Tonight! You Tonight!" Now Seth was expected to sing it nightly. He hated to sing it live. The first time he attempted it he couldnt even have to do it. He had to flee the stage, unable not to cry. Other nights he got choked up on his tears. The only nights the fans actually got to hear it was when Seth was smacked out. Heroin was the only thing that numbed him enough to get the words out.
It was obvious to the whole world the song was written for D. It was widely speculated by the world that she was carrying his baby. Headlines drug them through quicksand. Seth was constantly being asked if he was the father. He never denied it, he simply wouldnt answer. Most took that as an admission of guilt.

April 27, 2010
Moscow, Russia

5 weeks after D left and still not a word. Seth wondered if she had heard the song yet. The not knowing was killing him. It was also increasing his drug use to an all time high. Time simply was not healing this wound. Not even the drugs could seem to be strong enough to stop the pain. He feared the first time he would ever get to see his own child would be in the pages of a magazine. Seth didnt want it to be like this.
Seth sat slumped in a chair in his hotel room. His fingers hung loosely over the edges of its arms. His gaze was fixed on the TV speaking at him in foreign. He sat dazed. He saw the pictures, he heard the sound, but nothing registered. His mind was elsewhere. On the table to his immediate right was a fifth of Jack with about an inch and a half left in the bottom. Near it lay scattered Dexedrine from the turned over bottle. Among the pills was a blue balloon with heroin in it.
Next to the TV sat a ring box. Seth had bought if for D a week ago. He still had no word from her. He felt helpless. Havoc had kept him practically under lock and key since his near escape. The drug him out onto the stage every night no matter what condition he was in. Dr. Gibbons was always on standby with Epinephrine, Narcan, or stimulants, whatever it took to get Seth on that stage. Dr. Gibbons warned repeatedly how dangerous it was to him to bring him up and down so fast like that. His words always fell on deaf ears and persistant demands.
Seth's fingers twitched causing him to blink his eyes and snap from his daze. He couldnt even remember when he had blinked last. His eyes felt wide and dry. He turned his stare to the whiskey. He reached for it and pulled the bottle to his mouth. He felt absolutely worthless. No one could possibly understand what he was feeling. What had he done to drive D away? He twiddled with the lable on the bottle peeling back its edges. It didnt seem fair. What was the point of love if it only hurt? He was convinced love was killing him.
He felt the heat of rage sweep through him. He drew back the bottle in his hand and threw it into the wall. It smashed into a million sparkling little shards and spray down the wall throwing tiny droplets of whiskey on the TV. This was nowhere enough to snuff out the fire of rage inside him. He leapt to his feet in a single bound and grabbed the black velvet ring box. With it grasped in his fist he flew out onto the balcony. He took a classic pitchers stance and threw it out into the night sky high above the city. He watched as it just disappeared.
He leaned out over the railing and grasping at it tightly. Sobs came pouring out as smoke came from his breath in the cold night air. God why did it have to hurt so much. It hurt in his chest. He sobbed even louder as he gripped the railing so tightly his knuckles were white from pressure. He thought long and hard about throwing himself over that balcony. D wasnt coming back and he didnt know how to live with that.
His thoughts were starting to scare him. He had attempted suicide before and knew he was capable of doing it again. He was beyond confused. He didnt want to die, but he didnt want to feel this pain anymore. He turned and slid his back down the railing. He sat there with his hands pulling at his hair and crying. He didnt want to feel any of this anymore. His eyes fell on the blue balloon in his room. He pushed himself up to his feet and walked inside. He scrounged his luggage until he found a needle. Not even this was making the pain completely stop. It helped, but it wouldnt put him him the same state of numbness as it had in the past. He had to find a way to make this pain stop.

Brian sat across from Madison in and upscale resteraunt. She had been so sincere about making things work. She had been so patient when he had been so mean. He had been a total jerk to her yet she was still there, still trying. He should have wanted her. She really was a good person with a good heart. Any man would be fortunate to have her as his wife.
"So," he sighed taking a sip of water, "are you ever going to introduce me to your family?"
Madison slightly smiled. Id love to introduce you to them...but I havent talked to them in about 6 years. Sometimes I send postcards just to let them know Im still alive."
"Well 6 years is a long time...maybe they have let it all go. You should call them up sometime...unless you think they would take offense to you being married to some rock star."
Madison thought a moment. "I dont know how they would take it...but its got to be an improvement over a drug dealing abusive pimp, right?"
Brian chuckled softly, "I hope so." The smile disapates from his face, "Im sorry Ive been so shitty to you and wasted 10 months of this marriage. I see you really trying...and me Im not even trying. I guess it wont kill me to try...I mean obviously Im not chasing you away."
Madison gave him a hopeful smile.