FicWad

Odd Jobs Crack

A Gintama thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

A/N: Gintama lends itself too damn well to crackfic. I'd wanted to do a ShinKagu piece, since my mind has somehow latched itself onto that as my OTP for Gintama, but the Yorozuya gang apparently had other ideas...

[P.S. 2-28-14: As a long time writer on FanFiction dot Net (FFN) I have naturally built up a collection of more than one hundred stories. I will be moving the better ones over here for posterity, in the event that anything should ever happen to my account over there. Particularly since I have done several lemon fics by now... although this isn't one of them. Here's hoping you guys enjoy, ShinKagu fans or not!]

"Oy, Shinpachi! Have you seen my razor anywhere?" Gintoki Sakata called out from the bathroom at the Odd Jobs Gin-chan headquarters.

"I think Kagura-chan was using it," Shinpachi Shimura replied, from where he was chipping mold off the bottom of the refrigerator.

"Ehhh?" Gin said, sticking his head out from the bathroom door. His naturally wavy silver hair was matted down to his head, wet from the shower, and he had shaving cream on his chin and around his mouth. "What the hell would she be doing with my razor? She's way too young to be shaving!" he declared. "She better not be shaving down there with my razor, dammit! She's way too young to be shaving down there!"

"Where the hell do you think she would be shaving?!" Shinpachi snapped irritably, standing up from where he had been scraping the fridge. "You dirty old man! Get your mind out of the gutter!" he shouted.

"Who are you calling a dirty old man?! I was obviously talking about her legs, idiot!" Gin shouted back even more loudly, a vein bulging on his temple, taking a step out of the bathroom, showing that he was wearing naught but a towel wrapped around his waist. "You're the one who needs to get your mind out of the gutter, Shinpachi! Why are you thinking about Kagura-chan shaving there, huh? You thinking of rubbing her there? Of caressing her bleep? Of pinching her bleep? Of doing bleep, and bleep to her bleep and her bleep? Or maybe putting your bleep between her bleep? Bah! Forget about it, pervert! You worthless perverted four-eyes! There's no way she'd go for you, anyways!"

"You're the pervert, saying things like that!" Shinpachi retorted, flustered. His face was bright red as he slammed the refrigerator door shut. "And why did you say 'bleep' those last two times?!"

"Our censoring budget ran out!" Gin bellowed back, taking another step out of the bathroom, now standing completely out in the hall. "And I'm not a pervert, you damn idol otaku!"

"What's wrong with being an idol otaku, you naturally wavy haired bastard?!" Shinpachi hollered angrily. "And what do you mean, our censoring budget ran out? This isn't an anime! All the author has to do is put an asterisk before and after the bleeps!"

"Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Leave my hair out of this, you damn four-eyes! You can't understand the pain of having naturally wavy hair!" Gin roared. "And those asterisks are pretty damn expensive, you know! Each one costs as much as animating a full length episode of an anime!"

"That's a lie!" Shinpachi exclaimed, peering into the hallway where Gin was. "A blatant lie! Those asterisks don't cost a damn thing! The author just has to go back and press the SHIFT and 8 keys once before and after the bleeps! That doesn't cost anything!"

"It costs bandwidth, dammit!" Gin retorted, taking another step away from the bathroom and towards Shinpachi, his dead fish eyes narrowed and temples throbbing. "Those asterisks use up a lot of bandwidth! And besides, if the author went back and fixed it now, our argument wouldn't even make sense anymore!"

"It didn't make any sense to begin with!" Shinpachi retorted in exasperation. "It's not like the author is hosting this himself! He's just putting it up on FFN, and that's free! Besides, wasn't this supposed to be a shipping fic for me and Kagura?!"

"Hah!" Gin laughed mockingly, taking another step towards Shinpachi and puffing out his chest. "HAH, I say! You and Kagura?! Bah! That's ridiculous! Why would anyone write a fic shipping you two, huh?! It's obvious you just want to do shabu-shabu with her, you lolicon four-eyes!"

"No, that's definitely what the author's original intention was, dammit!" Shinpachi angrily shouted in response, taking another step towards Gin, glaring at the older man through his glasses. "And why are you calling me a lolicon? She's only a couple years younger than me! And is 'four-eyes' really the only thing you can say about me, you sugar-coated samurai?!"

"The original intent ain't important!" Gintoki bellowed, clenching a fist and stomping up to Shinpachi. "Only the final product matters! And I'm calling you a lolicon because you're obviously a lolicon, you lolicon! You were totally hoping for a love scene between you and Kagura!"

Shinpachi spluttered angrily, face red and glasses steamed.

"N-no!" he snapped, before getting up in Gin's face. "Of course not! It isn't like I think she's cute, or anything! She's too scary! She'd definitely snap me in half if we tried to do anything!"

"What's this 'we' business, you lolicon?" Gin scoffed. "Like anything consensual could ever happen between you two!"

"It totally could!" Shinpachi argued. "You don't know anything about the kind of girl Kagura is!"

"And you do?" Gin sneered. "Hah! Nothing more than wishful thinking from a hopeless lolicon, you four-eyed idol otaku!"

"Go to hell, you worthless old man!" Shinpachi snarled. "And stop calling me a lolicon!"

"Lolicon," Gin drawled. "Lolicon, lolicon, lolicon! I call you whatever I want, lolicon!"

"Goddammit!" Shinpachi hissed through grit teeth. "You're seriously pissing me off, you bastard!"

"Ehhh?" Gintoki said, a smug look on his face. "If that's the case, then why don't you just do something about it, four-eyes?!"

"Maybe I will!" Shinpachi snapped, clenching his fist and impulsively cocking it back. Before he could do anything else, however...

"Shut up!" Kagura snapped, decking Shinpachi from behind and sending him flying into Gin. "How am I supposed to shave Sadaharu with you two yelling like that, huh?!" Her eyes were narrowed and white as she glared at the two male members of Odd Jobs, who were lying atop one another in a smoking heap.

Pointing behind her, she indicated her large, white dog, who appeared to have somehow misplaced most of his thick white coat.

"It's too hot out for Sadaharu at this time of year, so I've been shaving his coat, uh-huh! But you two are scaring him with your yelling! And just look what you made him do!" She held up a snapped razor, covered in long white hairs, with the name 'Gin-san' written on its handle.

"Ah..." Gin murmured weakly, seeing the implement in Kagura's hands. "My razor... so that's where it went..."

"I told you so..." Shinpachi muttered darkly.

"...shut up, Patsuan."

A slow day at Odd Jobs Gin-chan, just like any other. Once again nothing of interest happened today, nothing of interest at all...

TTFN and R&R!