Categories > Cartoons > Futurama

Piss On The Hydrant

by P0isonIvy543 0 reviews

Smoothies, alien fire hydrants, dogs from Sirius K-9 on issue #42, and a Worst Costume Contest are the highlights of this story

Category: Futurama - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2014-03-19 - 6034 words - Complete

Piss On The Hydrant

by: Zoey Webber

In downtown New New York, Fry is coming out of a costume store dressed as a blue fire hydrant. But doesn't have a top piece to his costume. A dog comes up to him and does his business on him.

FRY: HEY! Stop that! Need to get to Madison Cube Garden!

DOG: Woof! Woof! Woof! chases Fry


The setting for the beginning of this story takes place in Madison Cube Garden. Outside there was a sign on the door that read "Worst Costume Contest". Linda and Morbo were at the scene reporting it on the news.

LINDA: Good afternoon. We are here live at the Madison Cube Garden for the preaparations for the first annual Worst Costume Contest. When will it be?

MORBO: If I were in that competition, I would go as a dead, bloated, bloody, mangled human corpse!

LINDA laughs: We now go live at the scene.

Inside Madison Cube Garden Bender was backstage with the crew. Everyone had on a terrible costume. Leela was dressed as a yellow mailbox, Hermes a tree. Amy was dressed as a streetlight and Zoidberg was a toilet. Fry had not shown up yet. Bender readies to give instructions.

AMY: Is there any way I can paint my streetlight costume pink?

BENDER: No! It's staying the way it is! Tough competition out there. We're up against many competitors. Even the Harlem Globetrotters. They already have disgusting costumes and....

Ethan Bubblegum Tate opens the backstage door and throws a basketball at Bender's head.

BENDER: AAHHH!!!! Son of a.....

ETHAN: We heard that!

BENDER: Totally awful costumes you all have. Anyone know why we're doing this?

LEELA: For fun with friends? Or the million dollar prize?

BENDER: Right about the million dollar prize, but wrong on mockingly the fun with friends.

ZOIDBERG: My toilet costume should be on a Best Costume Contest!

AMY scoffs: Keep dreaming.

HERMES: You're supposed to be dressed up as something from outside, dope!

Zoidberg groans sadly as Bender turns on an MP3 player.

BENDER: Time to rehearse!

Everyone else groans. They stop when the music starts. The song Why You Only Call Me When You're High by the Arctic Monkeys plays. Leela, Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg were all dancing out of step.

BENDER; 1....2.......3.....step! 1.........2............3..........kick! 1.........2...........3.........turn! 1...........2..........3............spin! turns off radio


BENDER: This contest is tommorow! We all need to be in rare form!

LEELA: It would be more enjoyable in you didn't push us so much...

BENDER: Oh, yeah?!?!? Well you're the queen of pushiness Leela! Where the hell is Fry?

AMY: He was with us everyday when he practiced. Even when Bender got us up at 4 am.

BENDER: Anyone think it's cool that I picked an Arctic Monkeys song? Their heads are on tour!

HERMES: Don't know who they are. But I know Bob Marley!

ZOIDBERG: I don't like it. I would prefer to dance to Pocketful of Miracles.

LEELA: He just picked that song because it's about getting high. That's also the same vein as getting wasted and/or drunk. Something Bender is obviously good at and.....

BENDER: SHUT UP! Where is Fry! breaks a stick

Fry walks into the backstage door. Fry was still in his fire hydrant costume. The top part of his costume was missing.

HERMES: Sweet wok pans of Japan! Where have you been?

FRY: Couldn't find a top part to my hydrant costume. Looked all around. It's like fire hydrant costumes don't exist.

BENDER: At least you're here, blood and guts bag. Now I got everything I need. You all need a little bit more pushing....

The MP3 player turned on and everyone still danced out of step.

BENDER: CUT! You lazy no good......Fry! You suck so bad......If it weren't for you, they'd get get the moves right.

LEELA: Hold it! Thought we were doing this for fun. You know Bender, if you love this competition so much, you enter it alone.

A manager comes into the backstage room and delivers some news.

MANAGER: Afraid you all misunderstood.....

AMY: What do you mean?

MANAGER: The Worst Costume Contest isn't for two weeks.

FRY: All right. That gives me time to get the top part to my hydrant costume.

BENDER: Are you all going to stick with this, or are you all quitters?

LEELA angerly I'

AMY: Sure, why not? For fun, right?

HERMES: Anything for a million dollars. Even though Amy and I are both already rich.

ZOIDBERG: Can I still be a toilet? Can I have some of that money so I can live as a doctor should?

Hours after everybody was at Planet Express. Still in their costumes, sitting on the couch. Bender was pacing back and forth demanding to know who it was who told him the Worst Costume Contest was tommorow.

BENDER: Who is the idiot that told me? sees Leela Was it you?

LEELA: Puh-leese. This isn't important to me anyway.

BENDER looks at Hermes: Hermes?

HERMES: Have nothing to say.

BENDER looks at Amy: Amy?

AMY: Nope, wasn't me.

BENDER: Then it was Zoidberg! points at him

ZOIDBERG: I thought it was tommorow, too. We all did.

FARNSWORTH walks in: I'm afraid it was me. My memory wasn't what it used to be...

BENDER: You old fart son of a bitch....

Farnsworth was about to be attacked by Bender when Leela intervenes.

LEELA: Stop this Bender. He didn't know. At least this way we'll have time to practice.

BENDER: Hmmmm. Got a point there, one eye. All right, we'll start practicing as soon as I get back from the bar to get a Fifth of Jack.

They all see Bender leave. They all smell a lavendar scent from the kitchen and hear a blender.

AMY: What smells so good?

HERMES: Fry must be making his purpleberry shakes.

Fry was in the kitchen using his blender to make smoothies. Zoidberg walks in.

ZOIDBERG: What are you making there, Fry?

FRY: Purpleberry smoothies. So we have something good while we rehearse.

ZOIDBERG: As soon as you're done maybe you can try to find the top part of your costume.

FRY: Tried everywhere. Nothing. Feel like I let Bender down.....did you see how mad he was?

ZOIDBERG: I agree. Bender can be scary sometimes. You won't find hydrant costumes on Earth.

FRY: Where will I find them?

FARNSWORTH: Glad you asked Fry. Your best bet will be the planet Hydra.

FRY: Hydra?

FARNSWORTH: It's a planet where fire hydrants live. It's the sister planet to Trisol. That's where the people of Trisol get their water source.

FRY: Used to rule those water people once....I'll do it.

ZOIDBERG: Hooray! And I'll be just the guy to take you there..

FRY: You're going to fly the ship?

ZOIDBERG: I know where it is so yes. Come along, Fry.

Fry follows Zoidberg into the Planet Express ship. Farnsworth watches.

FARNSWORTH: Come right back when Fry gets his top part.

As the Planet Express ship had taken off into space, Zoidberg was flying the ship to the planet Hydra.

ZOIDBERG: You'll have your costume part in no time. We won't tell the others where we're going!

FRY: Okay, that's fair. Bender is so zealous about this. We'll never win if I don't get my top. Bender will be pissed at me and never let me live it down! Want us to win this for him.

ZOIDBERG: Not just for Bender, but for ourselves, too. Want some of that money so I can finally pay by bills!

FRY: Sure is weird to see you fly the ship. Sometimes I just get so fed up with Bender and his.........

ZOIDBERG: It'll be fine. These fire hydrant people will help us. They just got to have stores there where they sell hydrant tops.

It had taken them a half an hour to get there, the ship reaches the Planet Hydra. Fry and Zoidberg both get out of the ship. The planet looked like a typical city on Earth. But only the buildings, stores, malls, businessness, and houses were all shaped like firehouses. The population was full of humanoid fire hydrants.

FRY: Bender should have came here when he was a fireman.

ZOIDBERG: As soon as we find a part for your costume, we'll go back to Earth.

They both walk around trying to look for a store. Fry and Zoidberg both scream when they both stumble upon a dead blue fire hydrant who was old and died. The color was the same shade of blue as Fry's costume.

ZOIDBERG screams: Sweet Mummy Jesus of Mercy!

FRY confused: Mummy Jesus?

ZOIDBERG: Can't say Zombie Jesus, Hermes had that patented.

FRY: Look! picks up top from the dead hydrant: This goes great with my costume! Awesome! Now my costume is complete and I'll have everything in time for the contest. Uhh, he won't mind, will he?

ZOIDBERG: What's the use, he's dead. It's not like he'll come back to life and kill us...

Fry puts on the top to go with his costume. Bender calls Zoidberg on the Planet Express cellphone which Zoidberg took.

ZOIDBERG answers the phone: Yyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssss....

BENDER: Where the hell are you?

ZOIDBERG: Just here on Earth in downtown New New York helping Fry to get a costume part!

BENDER: Get your ass back here, now!

ZOIDBERG: On the double! We have to go back!

FRY: As you said, we can't let anyone know where we went! Now we can win the contest for sure!

Zoidberg and Fry walk back to the ship. They run into a field next to the city where they landed and got lost. The field was full of tall grass and cornstalks. Fry falls down. All the while Zoidberg was ten feet away from him. A voice whispers to Zoidberg.

SPOOKY VOICE: If you build it, they will come!

ZOIDBERG: Don't have time for that!

Struggling, Zoidberg was able to find his way back to the ship. Zoidberg still thinks Fry is with him.

FRY: Zoidberg? Zoidberg? Where did you go?

Zoidberg is still thinking that Fry is with him. Then Zoidberg flies the Planet Express out of the planet Hydra and back to Earth. It takes Zoidberg until the next day to get back to Earth.

FRY sees the ship fly away: Oh snap! Zoidberg! Why did you leave without me! Always knew he was unreliable!

Back on the ship....

ZOIDBERG: Glad I was able to make your day, Fry......

There was nothing but silence.....

ZOIDBERG: Look, I know I'm hated, but you can at least talk to me....

The silence continues....

ZOIDBERG: Sheesh Fry! You don't have to be a snob about it.....

Back on Hydra, Fry was still in the field and was nervous and panicky. Fry was running all around until he cried. When all hope was lost, a yellow female fire hydrant came up to him. Her name was Stella.

FRY: Abandoned all over again. Now I'll never help Bender or my friends win that contest now. sobs Guess they'll have to go without me. Stupid Zoidberg! Did he know how far ahead he was from me?

STELLA in a Spanish accent: What's wrong little Hydrant Man?

FRY sobs: I came here to find a part for my costume. My stupid lobster friend left me.

Stella mistakes Fry for a real humanoid hydrant.

STELLA: He doesn't sound like a very good friend, does he?

Saddeneded. Fry turns around to see Stella.

FRY: Who are you? Why do you talk like Sofia Vegara's head from Space Age Family?

STELLA: My name is Stella.

FRY: I'm Phillip J. Fry.

STELLA: I've been looking for a boyfriend since my husband left me.

FRY: That's the thing we both have in common, people abandonding us.

STELLA: Why don't you stay here on Hydra with me?

FRY: Sure. Only for a while. Maybe I can use the internet here to email my friends and tell them what happened and get home in time for the contest.

STELLA: That's fine. Do you have a girlfriend?

FRY: On Earth there's this cyclops I'm in love with. But she keeps rejecting me.

STELLA: I don't see her around....Those friends of yours they just seem like they want to exploit you. Entering a contest and all.....

FRY: You're right! To hell with Earth and everyone else on that planet! I'm staying here! I love you Stella!

STELLA: You're just the hydrant man for me!

FRY: There's no law against falling in love with a hydrant! Who says who you're allowed to be in love with? Better than being in love with a human...

STELLA: Who's idea was it to enter this contest?

FRY: My robot friend, Bender.

STELLA: Seems to me he's only in it for himself.

FRY: You're so romantic. You're all I ever wanted in a girl.

STELLA: Wait until you see my firehouse! Big boy! growls seductively

Fry and Stella spend the day together on a date. As they were walking down the street, the song, "All You Wanted" by Michelle Branch was playing as a montage. Fry and Stella go shopping, walk on the beach, go to the park where Stella pushed Fry on a swing, they go to the fair and go on the rides, after that, a water park, go to a movie, and then dinner at a resturant. The music fades in the next scene as Zoidberg is back on Earth at Planet Express.

ZOIDBERG: We're back now Fry. Now we can...

When Zoidberg turns around he sees Fry is not there. Zoidberg screams!

ZOIDBERG panicky: Oh No!!!!! Oh No!! Oh No!!! runs back and forth

Bender, Leela, Hermes, and Amy walk up to Zoidberg who is putting on his toilet costume. They were already in their costumes.

LEELA: Where have you been? You've been gone for a day. What's this about Fry.....

Zoidberg was stammering as everyone was waiting for him to explain.

HERMES: Well, spit it out.....

AMY: Where is Fry? We need him for this.

ZOIDBERG: I dropped him off at Robot Arms Apartments! Yesterday. I drove the ship to a novelty store and got him his missing part......I'll go get him! runs away

BENDER: That's nothing new. He probably slept in until noon again.

LEELA: It is like him to be late. As I recall, he was always late for our dates and missions.

Running down the streets of New New York Zoidberg was racing to try to find a replacement Fry.

ZOIDBERG breathing hard: Dear Sweet Lord! Gotta find a replacement Fry! Dear Sweet Lord I gotta find a replacement Fry!

And so on, Zoidberg continued to run until he accidently bumped into Yuri the street vendor surgeon.

YURI: What's your problem, crab?

ZOIDBERG: Didn't mean to run into you. Guess you can say I was 'Russian'. laughs

YURI slaps Zoidberg: That no funny! I ought to give you a sense of humor transplant.

ZOIDBERG: YEOUCH! No, really. Seriously, I need your help.

YURI: OKay, I'll do whatever it is you want. What is it?

ZOIDBERG: Do you know how to make a hologram of a person?

YURI: Yes, I can! Can do more than just transplants you know. Who do you want me to make one of?

ZOIDBERG: This person. shows Yuri a picture of Fry in his hydrant costume

Yuri studied the picture of Fry, Zoidberg was showing to him.

YURI: I'll do it, but the hologram will last two weeks....

ZOIDBERG: Excellent! Do whatever it takes!

Afterwards at Planet Express. Bender made them practice without Fry or Zoidberg.

BENDER: Come on! You call that dancing? We got two more weeks! You all have the dance moves like a celebrity DUI in a drunk tank!

Zoidberg comes sliding through the door with a hologram of Fry. The Fry hologram was carrying a tray of Purpleberry Smooties and in a fire hydrant costume.

LEELA: Fry and Zoidberg. There you guys are.

HERMES: You got those smoothies. They're what's keeping us going.

FRY HOLOGRAM: Drink up, dawgs! Word up! Sorry I'm late. Slept in until noon again.

ZOIDBERG: Yep, it's Fry. He's really here you know. heh heh. thinking "They'll never know! I'm just a sneaky as those cats from the Tidy Cats commmercial. I can always sneak out and get Fry back after...."

They all drank the smoothies and went back to practice.

BENDER: Faster! Faster! I should be crying! This is worse than the time I entered Zoidberg in that pet show we took Nibbler to!

Meanwhile, back on the Planet Hydra, Stella invites Fry to come live with her in her mansion.

FRY: Nice digs you got here.

STELLA: Thank you. I got this from the divorce.

FRY: Wow! I bagged me a rich girl! Bet Leela will be jealous that she rejected me now! And everyone else in my old life!

The mansion looked all golden and silver. Everything from the kitchen, furnature, piano, staircases, dining room and entertainment room.

FRY: Got the internet here or video games?

STELLA: Internet yes. Video games? No.

Fry is lead to the kitchen.

STELLA: Do you like this?

FRY: I do! This is one swanky residence! It represents, dude! does some hip hop moves This place is sick, dawgs!

STELLA: Shut up right now!

FRY: Why are you being mean to me suddenly? I thought you loved me.

STELLA: I don't! I lured you here so you can clean my mansion!

FRY: I can see why your husband dumped you...

STELLA: I even used you to make him jealous, regret he ever dumped me! From now on, no more contact of Earth! Or any of those stupid friends of yours from there!

FRY: Where are you going with this?

STELLA: You will cook, clean, take the vacuum, mop the floors, dust, spray the windows, and do the laundry! And no taking time for yourself! Understood?

Stella takes out an iron and an ironing board. She puts some clothes on it.

FRY sobs: Coming right up, right away! Wish I was back on Earth auditioning for that Worst Costume Contest with Bender.

Stella goes to the internet in the entertainment room to send pics of her husband she secretly took with a selfie of her and Fry. When she was done, Stella had Fry iron her clothes.

FRY: This good enough? ironing Stella's clothes

STELLA: No! You're not doing it right. hits Fry with an iron


STELLA: This is how...

Once Stella demonstarted to Fry on how to iron, Fry went back to ironing.

FRY: Every girl I date and fall in love with always ends up mean and bossy. Michelle, Morgan Proctor, Leela, Amazon Women.....

Two weeks had passed. Thanks to the help of Bender's coaching. Everyone now got their dance moves right. They were totally unaware that the Fry they danced with was a hologram.

BENDER: Hate to say this, but my pimping has payed off! Proud of you all for doing this for money!

LEELA: For once you're right! And for fun too. We'll be ahead of the competition now! Come on, people! That contest isn't going to win itself!

AMY: We're sure to, Leela! We look like we're in a grade school play.

LEELA: We'll be up against a lot of contestants, just like in Sister Act 2000.

BENDER: I ain't no Mary Clearance or Whoopi Goldberg.

ZOIDBERG: And to think the contest is tommorow.

FRY HOLOGRAM: After all this pushing from Bender we can finally......

The Fry hologram was starting to fade. Bender, Leela, Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg looked in shock and dismay as they witness the Fry hologram fading into nothingness.

HERMES: Sweet Polyurethane of Brisbane! Fry disappeared?

AMY screams: How did this happen?

LEELA: Were we tricked or something? Was that even the real Fry? Were we duped into thinking Fry was with us?

FARNSWORTH: You got it all figured out cyclopsnista! Saw the whole thing. It wasn't Fry. It was a hologram.

BENDER: Hologram, you say? Think Fry was the one that fooled us. After all he didn't want to be in the competition with him being late and all....not having his full costume. So this was his doing so he would avoid me, Bender! Put two and two together!

LEELA: Your theory doesn't fly with us, Bender. Fry wouldn't not be smart enough to build a hologram of himself. This isn't like Fry at all. What is this about a hologram?

ZOIDBERG: I have something to say! Fry was not avoiding you or this contest Bender!

Cracking and finally confessing, Zoidberg starts talking like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar.

ZOIDBERG: I went to the planet Hydra with him, then we were lost in a field, and then I accidently left him behind on the planet. Thought he was with me, wanted you all to think he was still here, so I went to Yuri to build me a hologram of him to fool you guys and I took him there to get a piece for his costume!

BENDER: That explains everything! Too bad we can't enter Zoidberg in a Badly Done Jim Carrey Impresonations contest!

HERMES: So, Fry wasn't slacking off as usual? walks to Zoidberg Should have known this was all your doing....

ZOIDBERG squirming: Yeeeks! Don't bite my head off!

The internet sounded an alarm and Farnsworth went to go check.

FARNSWORTH: We got an email from Fry.

AMY: What does it say?

FARNSWORTH: It says he's on the planet Hydra and he's being forced to work against his will by a posessive female fire hydrant!

LEELA: That's so terrible. We have to help him!

BENDER: So what? Leave him there. He'll be fine!

On the planet Hydra, Fry had spent two miserable weeks being Stella's house cleaner. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, window cleansing, ironing, and vacuuming. At Stella's Mansion in the entertainment room. Stella was away to run an errand. Fry managed to sneak away from his work to send the email to Earth on Planet Express. Fry had just got done vacuuming.

FRY: Now my friends will find me. Boy I missed them so much!

Stella walks into the mansion.

FRY: Oops! Gotta go!

STELLA: Phillip! Did you make dinner yet?

FRY: Coming right up!

As Fry was walking into the kitchen, Stella was there to confront him.

STELLA: Before we do, I knew you snuck away from your duties while I was gone to email your friends? Did you?

FRY: is....I did! How did you even know?

STELLA: You bastard! I have cameras all over my house so I watched you while I was gone.

Fry was getting hit in the face and stomach by Stella.

STELLA: Told you never to have any contact with those foolish Earth friends of yours.

FRY: Sorry. Just couldn't take this anymore!

STELLA: Get back to work and make us dinner...NOW!!!

FRY: Yes my love! sobs

Walking into the kitchen to make dinner, Fry was holding onto a glimmer of hope that his friends will come for him.

Leela was flying the Planet Express Ship to the planet Hydra. Zoidberg was about to give her directions. But, Leela had a different plan.

BENDER: So, you know where this planet is better than anybody right?

ZOIDBERG nervous: YES!

LEELA: Forget him, Bender! Have another plan in mind.

AMY: Is this the way to the planet?

HERMES: Do you know where the planet Hydra is?

LEELA: Yes. So I don't need Zoidberg's help. We're going to stop in at other places first that are on the way to the planet.

BENDER: Where ever we're going, hope there's beer.

LEELA: Since we're going to be meeting Fire Hydrants and one thinks Fry is her husband, boyfriend, or whatever, we're going to Ace Hardware first to get some wrenches.

ZOIDBERG: ACE Hardware! I love that commercial! singing "Ace Is In Space For The Helpful Hardware Aliens!"

BENDER: Like you'd be handy with tools! You're one yourself!


Leela stops in at Ace Hardware and gets some wrenches and gives them to everyone.

BENDER: We starting a revolt? We better get back in time for that contest, because if I lose.......

LEELA: No, we'll use those wrenches when the time is right. Wrenches are one of the many enemies of Fire Hydrants. Then we will be back in time for the contest.

AMY: That makes a lot of sense.

HERMES: Where are you going to now?

LEELA: Next stop, Sirius K-9! Old King Rex owes us a favor!

BENDER: Hey, if we're going to start a war between dogs and fire hydrants, count me in! I will become the master to whoever the losing team!

LEELA: That's not why we're doing this......

Bender watches on as Leela was driving to the all dog planet Sirius K-9. Meanwhile, back on Hydra in Stella's mansion. Fry was positive now that he sent that email hoping his friends and seen it and are coming for him. In Fry's eyes, they didn't come soon enough. Fry was in the kitchen making dinner. He sees a blender.

FRY: I'm making dinner, Stella! My love!


FRY sighs despondantly: Where are my friends? Did they even get my email? They should've came here a while ago.....

A car is heard going into the driveway and out comes another fire hydrant. A male yellow one who is Stella's ex-husband, Ed who talked like Ed O'Neill.


STELLA: ED! What are you doing here? I thought I left you!

ED: No, I left you because all you care about it money!

Stella and Ed get into a heated argument, they go into the kitchen and see Fry.

ED: Who's this?

STELLA: This is my cousin Allen! He's coming to stay with me for a few days, isn't that nice?

ED: You don't have a cousin Allen!

STELLA to Fry: You lied to me!

Fry gets hit over the head with a frying pan and Ed and Stella continued to argue. Fry sneaks away, although in pain from being hit with the frying pan, he had some purpleberries with him he found in Stella's refrigerator.

ED: You used this man to make me jeaous, so you'll lure me back with you! Ain't no way in hell I'm going to do that!!!!

STELLA: Blow it out your....

ED: You're pregnant with his baby, aren't you?

STELLA: If I have a baby with him, he'll be a Latino!

ED: You are a selfish, possessive...

Fry starts to make his purpleberry shakes via the blender and uses a fan he found to get the scent to the window. The Planet Express ship has landed on Hydra. Leela and Bender had some dogs from Sirius K-9. Hermes and Amy had the wrenches. Zoidberg stands by and leads them to that cornstalk field where he lost Fry.

ZOIDBERG: This was where I last saw Fry. I lost him right here.

A lavender smell is coming their way.

AMY: That smell seems like something we know about.

HERMES: It does seem familiar....

ZOIDBERG: Is that an air freshiner?

LEELA: Wait a minute, that's the smell of Fry's Purpleberry smoothies! He must be nearby!

BENDER: Follow that smell, Toucan Sam!

The dogs from Sirius K-9 locked onto the scent and lead Leela, Bender, Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg to the mansion. It had taken them an hour to get there. Once they arrived, Fry was up in a window looking down to see his friends.

FRY: You guys! I'm up here! I used my smoothies to get you here!

LEELA: Fry! That was very smart of you!

BENDER: Has he ever been smart?

HERMES: You should get a trampoline to get him down.

BENDER Got one. Saved it as a reminder of my heroic fireman days!

They all look on as Bender unfolded a trampoline from his chest door to get Fry down from the window.

BENDER: Jump Fry Jump!

FRY: It's too high!

BENDER: You don't have a choice! Jump!

FRY: I'll get hurt if I jump....probably break some bones.....

BENDER: Then you can stay here and rot and be your fire hydrant girlfriend's bitch! Good bye! Have a nice life, chump!

FRY: You talked me into it!

BENDER: Thought you'd see it my way! JUMP!!!

Fry jumped into the trampolene and jumped 10 feet into the air and let out a 'WOAH' sound. He landed safely alongside his friends. They were about ready to go home then they are stopped by Ed and Stella.

STELLA: Hey, freaks! Where do you think you're going with my man?

LEELA: You've been using our friend to fulfill your selfish desires! That is not being a true friend.

BENDER: There's only one person who Fry fulfills egotistical desires for! Me! Bender!

STELLA: Fry is going to be my husband! So he'll cook and clean for me so I can do what I want! He's mine forever!

LEELA: The hell he is!

The dogs were about ready to attack as Hermes and Amy were holding them back. Bender and Leela got the wrenches ready.

AMY: Not yet, puppies!

FRY: I'm done with you, Stella! Going back to my friends. My real friends. We got a contest to win! I'm really a human, not a hydrant! You turned me against them and then I fell in love with you, I trusted you! When you showed me your true colors, I realized just who my friends really are! It's certainly not you.

STELLA: Get back inside and work or I'll kill you!

ED: What's going on here?

STELLA: These idiots want to steal my soon to be husband!

ED: Maybe those idiots are his friends, he needs to be with them! What did you plan to do with him?

STELLA: Marry him, and forget about YOU!

ED: I got an idea. Get back together with me and we'll keep Fry as a servant!

STELLA: That's sounds okay.....hey, wait a minute.....

ED: He should be our butler at least.....

Stella and Ed keep arguing and Bender and Leela throw wrenches at them.

BENDER: Yo, Stella! I'm about to put a 'monkey wrench' in your plans! throws wrench Hoo-Haaa!

LEELA: Here's a husband for you! Marry this wrench, hee-yah! throws wrench

Bender and Leela threw the wrenches at the bickering Ed and Stella. They get hit. They both scream.

STELLA: Why did you do that for? We're still taking Fry!

ED: I had nothing to do with this.

HERMES: Okay dogs, GO!

AMY: You are not taking Fry from us! We got these dogs to stop you!


The dogs from Sirius K-9 jumped at and attacked Ed and Stella and did their business on them. Ed and Stella screamed.

STELLA: These dogs won't stop pissing!

ED: This is all your fault!

Then the dogs tear apart Stella's mansion.

STELLA: My beautiful mansion is destroyed!

LEELA: Good dogs! Come on back now! Dogs truly are humans best friend!

The dogs came back to the Planet Express crew. They were now all going back to Earth.

FRY: Thank you guys. Don't be mad at Zoidberg, he brought me here to find a top piece for my costume. Finally found one, after that, Zoidberg lost me in that field and that's when Stella found me. I told her my whole story and then she convinced me you were all using me. How could I have been so stupid to fall for that! cries

BENDER: You should've stayed....

FRY: How do you mean? sniffles

BENDER: You could've made her sign a pre-nup when you married her and wait for her to drop dead and you get all the money.

FRY: Then I would have been her butler until she died? Who knows how long she had to live......

LEELA: Don't worry about it now, Fry. Let's just go back home and win that contest!

FRY: Missed you guys. Guess I was just fed up with people pushing me around. Got tired of rehearsing for this contest. Then I thought if I hooked up with Stella, I would never have to do anything for anyone or work ever again.

HERMES: Anything to get out of work.

AMY: Let's get these dogs back first. Look what they're doing.

The dogs were now attacking Zoidberg and doing their business on him.

ZOIDBERG: AAAAHHHH!!!! These dogs won't stop biting me! HEEELLLPPPP!!!! Now they're pissing on me! BLAH!

Fry was now back with The Planet Express Crew, they take the dogs off Zoidberg, take the dogs back to Sirius K-9 and then went back to Earth. The next day, the Worst Costume Contest was being held. It was the Planet Express Crew's turn to perform. They were up against a lot of other competitors. The judges were game show hosts. Regis Philbin, Steve Harvey, and Bob Barker's heads were there as judges.

BENDER: And.............action! turns on radio

Fry, Leela, Hermes, Zoidberg, and Amy were in their costumes. This time around, they got all their dance moves right. The same song Why You Only Call Me When You're High by The Arctic Monkeys was being used for their act. Their act was finished now it was up to the judges to decide. The audience clapped.

STEVE HARVEY'S HEAD: Survey Said! Those costumes are terrible.

BENDER: Yes.........yes..........come on! Say I won!

REGIS PHILBIN'S HEAD : The dancing was good, and I agree with the costumes. Final answer: look like they're made of cardboard!

BENDER: Can't stand this suspense........

LEELA: Hold on, Bender!

BOB BARKER: Looks like we have a winner! Actual retail price is...

BENDER: Yes! I freaking nailed it, dude!

STEVE HARVEY'S HEAD: The winner of the Worst Costume Contest is......

A Drumroll is heard then a Rim Shot.

REGIS PHILBIN'S HEAD: Dr. Zoidberg and his toilet costume!

BENDER: ALL RIGHT! I did.......wait..........what?

FRY: Zoidberg won?


AMY: That's what they said!

ZOIDBERG: Hooray! Hooray! I won the contest! I got the million dollar prize!

HERMES: It can't be! What the hell! We entered as a team!

LEELA: What in the world.........all this for nothing?

BOB BARKER'S HEAD: This contest is about individuality, not teams!

LEELA: Oh, what the hell. Let Zoidberg bask in the glow!

ZOIDBERG holding a trophy: I won the contest! I beat these losers! I won the contest! Zoidberg is number one! Number one!

BENDER screams: AHHHHHHH!!!!! Son of a bitch! throws down stick

AMY: Come to think of it, kind of happy for him.

FRY: I am too. Zoidberg never wins anything.

HERMES: I'm not...last time I enter a contest.

Zoidberg had won the Worst Costume Contest. The judges give him two optional prizes.

STEVE HARVEY'S HEAD: Dr. Zoidberg, you won this contest what would you like your prize to be?

ZOIDBERG: I'd like to thank the academy! So, what are my options?

REGIS PHILBIN'S HEAD: A million dollars, or a life supply of fish slurry?

ZOIDBERG: A life supply of Slurry!

BENDER: He screwed us out of a million dollars!

LEELA: At least he didn't choose the money... Like he'd be smart enough to do that!

AMY: We're better off without it anyway.

FRY: Don't worry, Bender, pal. There's always next year! When I get home I'll make more smoothies

LEELA: Sounds good to me, Fry.

FRY: Now that I'm free of that horrible Fire Hydrant chick, will you go out with me, Leela?

LEELA: I'll think about

FRY: Damn.

BENDER: Next year?!?!? I hate you! I hate you all! All of you! You all dissapoint me! Next year??!!! I live for NOW!

Zoidberg carries his bag of slurry victoriously as Bender tears apart Madison Cube Garden. Everybody in the audience inculding Steve Harvey, Bob Barker, and Regis Philbin's heads, then Fry, Leela, Hermes, and Amy run out. Zoidberg was still up on stage.

ZOIDBERG: Who won this slurry?!?! ME! Zoidberg! Everybody chant for me! Zoidberg! Zoidberg! 'For hes a jolly good...........'

Everyone in the audience was gone. Zoidberg sees this and hangs his head in shame.

ZOIDBERG: Where did everybody go? They all left without me? Not again..............

The End
Sign up to rate and review this story