FicWad

Chapter 28

From the Times I have Killed You

-On the roof of Matt’s house-

The bars are off and I’m escaping I thought as I crawled out of the window and onto the roof of Matt’s old bachelor pad. I was barely able to squeeze through the narrow opening and now I’m too high up.

The roof was slanted and it made it hard to walk on. The edge over looked the large backyard – full of old car parts, rain damaged amps, and garbage among dozens of drunken party-goers. Happy birthday, Mikey, I thought as I was becoming sober from all the excitement. I’m so over this shit. Why did I even come to this party? I definitely wasn’t ready to be around all these people right now. Yesterday and last night were just too much for me to handle. It was too hard yesterday, too hard.

I stood unsteadily on the edge of the shingled rooftop and waited for someone to find me or catch me if need be. God, I’m so stupid. I need to stop this fucking drinking. Gerard is going to be so angry with me.

I watched the crowd below in a blurry haze and I know the look I was giving them was that of murder. I hate all of you.

Hello, and welcome to my own personal hell. Alcohol was a bad fucking idea.

-Meanwhile Downstairs-

Frank pushed through the waves of people trying to leave the party, searching for his sister.
He furrowed his dark eyebrows in rage, “Anyone seen Tristan?” He shoved a drunken Guido poser into a wall for getting in his face, “Fucker!” Frank spat at him as the guy stumbled away. He rolled his eyes and yelled, “Anyone seen my brat of a little sister? She’s about,” Frank moved his hand to near his mouth to indicate height, “this tall with dark hair and a little friend that is nearly her fucking identical twin.” He was getting nowhere.

Frank stepped over Mikey’s passed out form against the kitchen cabinets. He was laid out in the floor with his glasses hanging off his nose and a half empty beer in hand. He was just gone.

Ray was helping him search for her in the living room and met Frank in the kitchen for a minute. “Found either of them?” He asked while running his hand through his thick curly hair and then tossing his empty beer bottle into the trash can.

Frank shook his head at Ray and kicked Mikey in the legs to wake him up. “Mikes! Get the hell up!”

Mikey’s head lolled to the side and he started drooling. Frank rolled his eyes again in frustration and decided to leave him there. Frank turned on his converse heel and spotted Gerard in the dining room.

Ray laughed at Frank’s outburst and started toward the dining room behind Frank.

Frank clapped Gerard on the shoulder bringing him into focus over his blurry hand of Texas Hold ‘Em. “Dude, have you seen your girlfriend lately?” Frank asked, trying not to sound too annoyed or worried.

Gerard furrowed his dark eyebrows and laid his cards down on the table revealing a winning hand. He then stared over his shoulder at his friends and shook his head indicating that he hadn’t seen her. “What do you mean where is she? She was just in the kitchen not five minutes ago.” Gerard’s heart slammed against his chest and he was now panicking. He quickly rose from the table and darted toward the kitchen with an awful feeling in his chest.

-Up on the roof –

I don’t know how long I stood there just staring at all the faceless people below before I started hearing the screams start again. Why is this happening? Why here? Why now?

I put my hands over my ears; trying to drown them out. I hate this. Why is all of this happening? This can’t be happening. This isn’t real. They are dead. They are all dead.

I shook my head, still holding my ears, the screams were persistent, but I wasn’t going to let them consume me. How is this even happening? I was drunk. Apparently I can’t hide from my issues with alcohol. Why? I hate that. I need something…I need Gerard. I let the tears stream down my face.

“Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Please go away. Please go away.” I sobbed. I was fine now I can’t stop the voices.

I collapse under the pressure and drop to my knees on the slanted roof and covered my ears with my hands, squeezing my eyes as tight I can shut.

-Downstairs-

Ray met Gerard and Frank in the living-room area of Matt’s house, “Still no sign of Tristan?” he asked, clearly sobering up from all the panic. He kicked an empty beer can across the carpeted floor.

Gerard ran a shaking hand through his tangled dark hair in frustration, “No. Where the hell did she go?”

Frank stepped over another past out party-goer in disgust and said, “I told them to stay in the kitchen while I took Jamia home. Why does she never listen to me, dammit!?” Frank was beyond pissed off and nothing was helping his horrible mood.

Ray sighed, “Dude, you’re her brother. Would you listen to you if it were the other way around?”

Frank rolled his eyes at his curly-headed friend. “You’re right. What did I fucking expect from her?”

Gerard glared at the two of them, “Shut the hell up! She’s probably upstairs or something. She wouldn’t just leave.” Gerard was sick of hearing Frank whine on and on about Tristan’s defiance of his orders and was extremely worried about her.

Gerard’s mind was racing and his heart was beating against his ribcage rapidly. He was completely overwhelmed with everything that was going on with Tristan lately. She is beyond messed up and he didn’t know how to help her and that was making him feel helpless. It was too hard – too much drama, depression, hopeless feelings, crazy. Tristan’s mind is incredibly dark, clouded, and full of the past – past suicidal thoughts, attempts, September 11th, her feelings for him, her age, her family issues, father, mother, brother. No one seems to trust her or her judgment. It’s like they consider her a child, when, in fact, she is a woman; a selfless, brave, courageous woman. He is the only one that sees that. Why is that? Gerard knew he couldn’t let her down and he had to be there for her – no matter what transpired in the near or even further into the future. Given her mental state from yesterday, Gerard knew that leaving her alone was a very bad idea. He needed to find her and find her quick. Before Gerard could speak further Taylor came bounding down the stairs.

“GEEEEE!!! Frankie!!!!! Mikey!!!!! RAAAAYYYY!!!!! HELPPPPP!!!!” Taylor cried as she spotted them at the bottom of the staircase. She hopped drunkenly down the stairs with glee and giggled their names one by one.

“What is it, Taylor?” Gerard’s interest was piqued, knowing she was the last person he had seen Tristan with earlier. “Where’s Trist?” He couldn’t take this anymore. He needed Tristan in his arms, now!

“Trinket is stuck,” Taylor giggled, “She’s stuck in the um toilet…” Taylor’s British accent drenched every syllable. Before Taylor could get anything else out, Gerard had raced past her on the stairs, taking them two at a time and was making his way toward the second floor. Taylor grabbed Frank’s hand and led him up the stairs with Ray in tow.

-Roof-top-

I am rocking back in forth with my hands firmly over my ears, trying to drown out everything around me. Why can’t I tune out all the non-existing sounds? Go away!!! I never used to be like this; quiet, dark, isolated, scared, and boxed in. I used to have a life, with friends and teachers and even bullies. I miss them all now, partly because I'm in a haze of pain that I am trying to suppress and it keeps coming back to haunt me. Torment me. Control me.

I shove my hands down to the sides and will the screams to leave. I screw my eyes tighter closed and take a deep breath, making the screams die down. You will not destroy me!

-Outside the Bathroom-

“What the hell?” Gerard tried the knob of the bathroom door, but it was, indeed, stuck. “Tristan!” Gerard couldn’t hear anything coming from behind the door and it was making him nervous and worried. “Tristan!” He cried while rattling the door knob.

Frank threw himself against the door as hard as he could. He fell back after hitting the door hard, finding himself on the ground with the wind knocked out of himself.

Ray stifled a laugh and stepped over him and shoved his shoulder against the door with Gerard doing the same and the door gave way into two pieces, revealing an empty bathroom. No one was inside the small room.

“TRISTAN!” Gerard cried once again as his worried eyes fell on the open window that led out onto the roof of the old house.

-On the Roof-top-

I need to get off this roof – I don’t want to be here anymore. I need – I need – I shake my head in frustration and sigh; I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what I want. I’m so lost and confused.

My feet are now dangling heavily off the ledge of the roof where I fell to my knees earlier to get a hold of myself and my dizzy head; my cramped mess of a head. I have to fix myself. No one else is going to do it. I have to do it. I have to face my self-loathing nature and change it. I need to be unafraid. I spend too much of my life afraid. I’m ok. I’m ok. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not ok. I’m not o-fucking-kay. Will I ever be ok? Will I ever find joy in this life again? I mean, I wasn’t ok before September 11th happened, but I wasn’t so helpless and hopeless. I am not what I could be or should be. I can be better. I can beat this. I will be ok. I’m ok. I have to keep telling myself that it’s all my head. All the voices and all the crazy things I’m seeing are not real. They are not real. THEY ARE NOT REAL! I keep thinking of Alice in Wonderland and how the Mad Hatter had asked Alice, “Have I gone mad?” and Alice replied, “I’m afraid so…you’re entirely BONKERS, but I’ll tell you a secret, ALL THE BEST PEOPLE ARE!” That had to make me feel better. You’re just tired – yea- you’re tired, I keep telling myself.

I suck in a deep ragged breath and gaze out at the New Jersey skyline and try to concentrate on it. It’s real. The skyline is real. The roof is real. The people below me are real. I am real. The voices are NOT real. The people jumping from the tall buildings are NOT real. You are just tired, drunk, and in need of some major therapy.

“TRISTAN!”

No one is calling your name. You are all alone. You will always be alone. Wait, what the hell, this is not a time for myself destructive, self-loathing issues. I am NOT alone. I have Gerard and all my friends and my brother. I have people who care about me. I just need to cling to them and hope they don’t let me down.

“TRISTAN!”

I jerk out of my reverie and come back to reality. Someone was actually calling my name the entire time. I turn my head and see Gerard stuck in the window, looking at me with worry filling his hazel eyes.

“Tristan, are you ok?” He asked while still trying to pull himself back inside the window. I shake my head no; there is no point in lying to him. “Please come back inside.” He pleaded with me after he was free of the tiny attacking window.

I didn’t say anything in response. I scrambled unsteadily to my feet and walked over to the window. Gerard grabbed me by my hand and pulled me rather roughly through the small window and then pulled my hastily into his warm and inviting arms. My spot. My world. I breathed him in and buried my head into his chest, wrapping my arms around him and didn’t let go.

“I was so scared,” Gerard murmured into my head as his ran his hands through my hair and down my back. I didn’t say anything in response, not trusting myself to give a good excuse as to why I had gone on the roof. I didn’t have an answer. It just felt like something I had to do and retrospect it was a very stupid and dangerous thing to do in my inebriated state. But I was safe now, so I just squeezed him tighter, hoping that he would press me further for any other response.

Gerard turned his head to his friends and said, “I think we need to call it a night.”
No one hesitated, just nodded and did just that.

I don’t remember much of the rest of the night just the hum of the van’s engine and Frank swearing at drunk drivers and then nothing. I finally found sleep against Gerard’s shoulder on the way home to the Way house. Peace.