Categories > Anime/Manga > Attack on Titan > When You Don't Know What You Want
They stayed beneath the tree for a while. It might've been minutes, or hours. Eren wasn't sure, and somehow he couldn’t bring himself to care. The night was still but for the faint sounds of whatever nocturnal variety roamed the wilderness, unmindful to time’s consequence.
He felt odd in the conclusion. Happy, almost unreasonably so, but somber in a manner he couldn’t quite put into words.
So he lay there, staring up at the sky through the darkened foliage, until Annie stirred. She slid from him carefully with a ragged sigh, alighting herself atop his abdomen. He noted she was still flushed, and considered her nudity with a kind of hushed interest. He’d not thought much about the intricacies of her body outside of training—and perhaps a bit more than that, if he risked further reflection—yet here she was, soft and warm and lying nearly somnolent across him. For a split second he contemplated asking if she was cold before he realised she was still quite warm. Even with the heat of summer, it was a bit unexpected.
Now she pulled back, looked at him as if seeing him clearly for the first time.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. Annie seemed to hesitate. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it, frowning, and buried her face in the crook of his shoulder, sighing heavily.
“It’s a stupid question. I already know where you’ll be off to after this.” Her words were muffled by his jacket.
“You mean when we enlist after graduation?” She offered nothing in the way of confirmation to his query. “I'm joining the Scouts. It’s what I came here to do.”
“You’re sure about that?”
“Course I’m sure.”
“How do you know there’s anything out there?”
“Armin used to smuggle books from his house, back when we were kids in Shiganshina.” Annie was quiet, but he could tell she was listening. “He taught me plenty. Mikasa, too.”
The silence that ensued was as heavy and stifling as the humid summer air between them. It held for a long time before Annie finally broke it.
“What’s it like?”
“The outside world?” Eren looked down at her, taken aback by her question. "Well, it's a lot like this. There are mountains and forests and rivers. But there aren't any walls. It's just open space. And there are other things.” He stopped to prop himself up against the tree, and she did not object. “You want me to go on?”
She raised her head, and despite the skepticism in her tone, there was a hint of intrigue.
"How can you know it exists if you haven't seen it?"
"It's all in the books. There are mountains that hold fire inside them, like water. There are plains made of sand and ice.” He paused, leaning back against the tree, searching for words. “...And there’s the sea.”
“The sea?”
“Yes. It’s saltwater. And there’s so much of it that it can’t be used up.”
“That sounds absurd.”
He grinned. “I know it does, but Armin’s sold on it. So I want to know if such a thing is even possible.”
Another moment of silence. He felt her close her fingers around his palm, and she stared fixedly at their intertwined hands, brow furrowed.
"Have you ever considered that you don't know any better?"
“About what?”
"The world. You think that Titans are our only enemy?" There was a subtle edge to her voice that he couldn’t place.
“No. I know that there are other dangers.”
“But what if we're all just a part of something bigger? What if I'm not who you think I am?"
Eren held her gaze, concerned, but completely unsure what he was supposed to say. "What are you trying to tell me?"
She tensed as if he’d said something unpleasant, whole body rigid as if he could strike at any moment. "I'm not like you, Eren. I don't want to sacrifice myself for my cause."
He frowned, perplexed by her reaction. "You don't have to die to fight for something."
Annie smiled thinly. "You're one to talk."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Eren said, now affronted.
"You would die for your beliefs. I wouldn't."
He raised his eyebrows. "When did this turn into some sort of philosophical debate?"
She glanced back unenthusiastically at the rock as if contemplating whether or not retrieving her shirt would be worth the trouble of getting up. "When I asked you why you wanted to join the Scout Regiment."
“All right, but why did you bring me out here for...this?”
Annie sighed, leant forward to close the distance between them. "Can't let you go and ruin my image. So I'm just deciding how I ought to kill you."
"You haven't killed me yet."
She shifted her hand idly in his, forehead to forehead. "I should. And you should be afraid of me."
"I still think you're bluffing." His humor faltered as her eyes narrowed fractionally.
In a second she had him restrained against the tree, legs locked around his to prevent escape.
"I really should kill you," Annie breathed, trapping his wrists above his head. "Before the rest of the cadets get the wrong idea."
Her flush had faded a little, but it still spanned over the whole of her, unbroken. Her lips were mere millimetres from his and he wanted to kiss her again for the thrill of it.
"I think they did a while ago. Seems like a lot of troub―"
She kissed him mid-sentence, slowly, almost sweetly. Surprise dissolved the words from his mouth and he grunted.
"Weren't you going to kill me?" he asked, once she broke the contact.
"You say you're going to join the Scout Regiment," she muttered. "It's a moot point."
Eren made a lackadaisical effort to free himself, but she was in no hurry to let him go. “You're pretty talkative.”
“We’re alone,” she said indifferently.
“That doesn’t change what I said.”
Her eyes glinted. “Would you rather I killed you now?”
"Not particularly. Could you let me go, though?"
She disentangled their legs, released his wrists and moved to sit beside him. The moment her weight lifted from him it occurred to him, albeit dully, that his back was rather sore, but it didn’t matter in the slightest. She did up her trousers, retrieved her shirt from the rock and pulled it over her head. “We probably won't see each other after we graduate.”
“Probably.” He got to his feet unsteadily, with his pants.
“I’d rather leave you with something to remember me by,” said Annie after a moment.
Don’t be ridiculous, I have plenty to remember you by, Eren thought. What he said was: "Before I die, you mean?"
"Right," she amended. "Before you die."
___________________________________________________________________________________________
It wasn’t even a week before things took a turn for the worse. Because that was when she stopped talking to him.
Eren had no idea what had happened to cause this. He felt angry and hurt and used, but that was only to be expected. More than anything, he was confused. Terribly so. Had it meant anything to her? Perhaps their relationship, like most things in life, was only fleeting, too good to last. He didn’t want to think of it, and yet he could not dissuade himself from dwelling upon it. He was trapped.
They avoided one another now, and speculation was born, thriving on the mouths of their fellow soldiers and the heavy silence that followed them like a wall. His fellows offered little to no help in regards to the mysteries of her skittishness. Mina was oddly pensive, as were Bertholdt and Reiner. His fellows’ attempts to ask the three of them for an explanation turned up fruitless. Curiously, this practice of avoiding answers was mostly on Bertholdt and Reiner’s side. Eren didn’t have it in him to care about any of it; Annie’s determination to disregard him was enough to keep him on edge. He wanted her to do something. Say something. Anything would be better than this.
More than once, he watched her in silence for whatever answers he could obtain. She would not look at him. Once, two days after it all began, he got her attention. Relief soon yielded to frustration as she returned his gaze, finally, with nothing but ire. Sometimes, in the aftermath of that instant, Eren let himself believe that there had been guilt in her eyes.
She avoided him furtively, nearly desperately; so Eren cornered her with a week left before graduation and a hundred questions burning in his mind, but only one escaped from his mouth: “What’s going on?”
Annie would not look at him and it disturbed him, irritated him. She was fearless. What had she to hide?
“We’re not discussing this, Jaeger.” She turned from him, but he would not let her leave, not without a proper answer. So he clapped a hand over her shoulder.
Annie froze, wheeled around so quickly it was almost frightening. He half expected her to slam him to the ground, to break his arm, to leave him bloody and broken and humiliated in the dirt for his nerve. She did not do this.
“Let me go.” Her voice was like ice. But she was trembling. From indignation, not fear. Never fear.
“Talk to me, then,” he hissed.
Something flashed in her pale eyes. “What would you have me say?”
“I just want some answers, all right?”
She stared disbelievingly up at him. “I thought I’d been clear enough.” Condescension thrived in her tone.
“For God’s sake, Annie! Just give me an honest answer!” He was shouting now, and they were not alone on the field. He did not care. She did not flinch, and he did not expect her to, but something in her eyes flickered, died. And her unresponsiveness vanished. There was no pretense of indifference as she glared at him.
And she replied: “I can’t.”
“You can’t what?” he snapped, provoked by her ambiguity.
“I can’t answer you,” she said, “because we have nothing to say to each other.”
He swore. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
She snapped. But not in the way he expected her to. She grabbed his hand and wrenched it from her.
“Seeing as you can’t leave well enough alone,” she spat, “I suppose I’d do best to humor you.”
Despite the violence seething in her voice, she had still not made a move to strike him, and he wondered if this was her way of proving a point.
“All right, then,” he said shortly. “What do you want me to know?”
She glowered at him with such ferocity that he almost wanted to laugh; so strange was it for her to lend herself to emotion. But then she faltered, and there was hurt in her eyes, there was fear.
“I loved you,” she said, almost inaudibly.
The words seemed to be wrenched from her with nothing short of utmost torment. She did not look at him, but he heard, all too clearly, the quaver in her voice. And he knew then, despite her best efforts to deny it, that she was not as composed as she’d wanted to believe.
Eren was quiet.
After all, what was there to say?
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Everyone I know
Says I'm a fool to mess with you
Everyone I know
Says it's a stupid thing to do
"Coldplay - I Ran Away
":https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbI2jzSr3Ek
He felt odd in the conclusion. Happy, almost unreasonably so, but somber in a manner he couldn’t quite put into words.
So he lay there, staring up at the sky through the darkened foliage, until Annie stirred. She slid from him carefully with a ragged sigh, alighting herself atop his abdomen. He noted she was still flushed, and considered her nudity with a kind of hushed interest. He’d not thought much about the intricacies of her body outside of training—and perhaps a bit more than that, if he risked further reflection—yet here she was, soft and warm and lying nearly somnolent across him. For a split second he contemplated asking if she was cold before he realised she was still quite warm. Even with the heat of summer, it was a bit unexpected.
Now she pulled back, looked at him as if seeing him clearly for the first time.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. Annie seemed to hesitate. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it, frowning, and buried her face in the crook of his shoulder, sighing heavily.
“It’s a stupid question. I already know where you’ll be off to after this.” Her words were muffled by his jacket.
“You mean when we enlist after graduation?” She offered nothing in the way of confirmation to his query. “I'm joining the Scouts. It’s what I came here to do.”
“You’re sure about that?”
“Course I’m sure.”
“How do you know there’s anything out there?”
“Armin used to smuggle books from his house, back when we were kids in Shiganshina.” Annie was quiet, but he could tell she was listening. “He taught me plenty. Mikasa, too.”
The silence that ensued was as heavy and stifling as the humid summer air between them. It held for a long time before Annie finally broke it.
“What’s it like?”
“The outside world?” Eren looked down at her, taken aback by her question. "Well, it's a lot like this. There are mountains and forests and rivers. But there aren't any walls. It's just open space. And there are other things.” He stopped to prop himself up against the tree, and she did not object. “You want me to go on?”
She raised her head, and despite the skepticism in her tone, there was a hint of intrigue.
"How can you know it exists if you haven't seen it?"
"It's all in the books. There are mountains that hold fire inside them, like water. There are plains made of sand and ice.” He paused, leaning back against the tree, searching for words. “...And there’s the sea.”
“The sea?”
“Yes. It’s saltwater. And there’s so much of it that it can’t be used up.”
“That sounds absurd.”
He grinned. “I know it does, but Armin’s sold on it. So I want to know if such a thing is even possible.”
Another moment of silence. He felt her close her fingers around his palm, and she stared fixedly at their intertwined hands, brow furrowed.
"Have you ever considered that you don't know any better?"
“About what?”
"The world. You think that Titans are our only enemy?" There was a subtle edge to her voice that he couldn’t place.
“No. I know that there are other dangers.”
“But what if we're all just a part of something bigger? What if I'm not who you think I am?"
Eren held her gaze, concerned, but completely unsure what he was supposed to say. "What are you trying to tell me?"
She tensed as if he’d said something unpleasant, whole body rigid as if he could strike at any moment. "I'm not like you, Eren. I don't want to sacrifice myself for my cause."
He frowned, perplexed by her reaction. "You don't have to die to fight for something."
Annie smiled thinly. "You're one to talk."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Eren said, now affronted.
"You would die for your beliefs. I wouldn't."
He raised his eyebrows. "When did this turn into some sort of philosophical debate?"
She glanced back unenthusiastically at the rock as if contemplating whether or not retrieving her shirt would be worth the trouble of getting up. "When I asked you why you wanted to join the Scout Regiment."
“All right, but why did you bring me out here for...this?”
Annie sighed, leant forward to close the distance between them. "Can't let you go and ruin my image. So I'm just deciding how I ought to kill you."
"You haven't killed me yet."
She shifted her hand idly in his, forehead to forehead. "I should. And you should be afraid of me."
"I still think you're bluffing." His humor faltered as her eyes narrowed fractionally.
In a second she had him restrained against the tree, legs locked around his to prevent escape.
"I really should kill you," Annie breathed, trapping his wrists above his head. "Before the rest of the cadets get the wrong idea."
Her flush had faded a little, but it still spanned over the whole of her, unbroken. Her lips were mere millimetres from his and he wanted to kiss her again for the thrill of it.
"I think they did a while ago. Seems like a lot of troub―"
She kissed him mid-sentence, slowly, almost sweetly. Surprise dissolved the words from his mouth and he grunted.
"Weren't you going to kill me?" he asked, once she broke the contact.
"You say you're going to join the Scout Regiment," she muttered. "It's a moot point."
Eren made a lackadaisical effort to free himself, but she was in no hurry to let him go. “You're pretty talkative.”
“We’re alone,” she said indifferently.
“That doesn’t change what I said.”
Her eyes glinted. “Would you rather I killed you now?”
"Not particularly. Could you let me go, though?"
She disentangled their legs, released his wrists and moved to sit beside him. The moment her weight lifted from him it occurred to him, albeit dully, that his back was rather sore, but it didn’t matter in the slightest. She did up her trousers, retrieved her shirt from the rock and pulled it over her head. “We probably won't see each other after we graduate.”
“Probably.” He got to his feet unsteadily, with his pants.
“I’d rather leave you with something to remember me by,” said Annie after a moment.
Don’t be ridiculous, I have plenty to remember you by, Eren thought. What he said was: "Before I die, you mean?"
"Right," she amended. "Before you die."
___________________________________________________________________________________________
It wasn’t even a week before things took a turn for the worse. Because that was when she stopped talking to him.
Eren had no idea what had happened to cause this. He felt angry and hurt and used, but that was only to be expected. More than anything, he was confused. Terribly so. Had it meant anything to her? Perhaps their relationship, like most things in life, was only fleeting, too good to last. He didn’t want to think of it, and yet he could not dissuade himself from dwelling upon it. He was trapped.
They avoided one another now, and speculation was born, thriving on the mouths of their fellow soldiers and the heavy silence that followed them like a wall. His fellows offered little to no help in regards to the mysteries of her skittishness. Mina was oddly pensive, as were Bertholdt and Reiner. His fellows’ attempts to ask the three of them for an explanation turned up fruitless. Curiously, this practice of avoiding answers was mostly on Bertholdt and Reiner’s side. Eren didn’t have it in him to care about any of it; Annie’s determination to disregard him was enough to keep him on edge. He wanted her to do something. Say something. Anything would be better than this.
More than once, he watched her in silence for whatever answers he could obtain. She would not look at him. Once, two days after it all began, he got her attention. Relief soon yielded to frustration as she returned his gaze, finally, with nothing but ire. Sometimes, in the aftermath of that instant, Eren let himself believe that there had been guilt in her eyes.
She avoided him furtively, nearly desperately; so Eren cornered her with a week left before graduation and a hundred questions burning in his mind, but only one escaped from his mouth: “What’s going on?”
Annie would not look at him and it disturbed him, irritated him. She was fearless. What had she to hide?
“We’re not discussing this, Jaeger.” She turned from him, but he would not let her leave, not without a proper answer. So he clapped a hand over her shoulder.
Annie froze, wheeled around so quickly it was almost frightening. He half expected her to slam him to the ground, to break his arm, to leave him bloody and broken and humiliated in the dirt for his nerve. She did not do this.
“Let me go.” Her voice was like ice. But she was trembling. From indignation, not fear. Never fear.
“Talk to me, then,” he hissed.
Something flashed in her pale eyes. “What would you have me say?”
“I just want some answers, all right?”
She stared disbelievingly up at him. “I thought I’d been clear enough.” Condescension thrived in her tone.
“For God’s sake, Annie! Just give me an honest answer!” He was shouting now, and they were not alone on the field. He did not care. She did not flinch, and he did not expect her to, but something in her eyes flickered, died. And her unresponsiveness vanished. There was no pretense of indifference as she glared at him.
And she replied: “I can’t.”
“You can’t what?” he snapped, provoked by her ambiguity.
“I can’t answer you,” she said, “because we have nothing to say to each other.”
He swore. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
She snapped. But not in the way he expected her to. She grabbed his hand and wrenched it from her.
“Seeing as you can’t leave well enough alone,” she spat, “I suppose I’d do best to humor you.”
Despite the violence seething in her voice, she had still not made a move to strike him, and he wondered if this was her way of proving a point.
“All right, then,” he said shortly. “What do you want me to know?”
She glowered at him with such ferocity that he almost wanted to laugh; so strange was it for her to lend herself to emotion. But then she faltered, and there was hurt in her eyes, there was fear.
“I loved you,” she said, almost inaudibly.
The words seemed to be wrenched from her with nothing short of utmost torment. She did not look at him, but he heard, all too clearly, the quaver in her voice. And he knew then, despite her best efforts to deny it, that she was not as composed as she’d wanted to believe.
Eren was quiet.
After all, what was there to say?
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Everyone I know
Says I'm a fool to mess with you
Everyone I know
Says it's a stupid thing to do
"Coldplay - I Ran Away
":https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbI2jzSr3Ek
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