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Chronic Demonic
0 reviewsThe Brian and Stewie adventure to end all Brian and Stewie adventures.
1Funny
Rate and comment this fanfic if you are as sick as I am of Brian and Stewie adventures always being done on Family Guy.
Family Guy
Chronic Demonic
by: Hailey Sands
Opening Credits scene:
The opening credits to The Cosby Show season 5 are spoofed. The Griffin Family, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were dancing around in Hawaiian shirts.
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Chapter One:
It was a typical day in Quahog Rhode Island. Peter Griffin was running, dancing, and skipping around town saying hello to everyone, and singing. Peter was even doing his trademark hee hee hee laugh.
Peter (singing): Hello! Hello! What a wonderful word, hello.....It's wonderful to hear it, everywhere you go!
Lois, is in the kitchen, and looks out the window at Peter and sighs in disbelief. Brian walks into the kitchen, and sits at the table with a coffee mug.
Brian: What's Peter up to today?
Lois: Being an asshole as usual.
Brian: Isn't he always?
Lois: Yesterday we watched that Dudley Moore movie Crazy People, and he's been singing that 'Hello' song ever since.
Brian: Ahhh, don't worry. Pretty soon he'll get bored and move onto the next endeavor.
Lois: Look at him out there. (sees Peter skipping around) Does he look like he's going to quit?
Brian: Peter hasn't embarrassed you this bad since you were both on that movie night date with Joe and Bonnie.
Cutaway Scene shows Joe, Bonnie, an inebriated Peter, and Lois sitting on a couch.
Joe: All I know is, if I had lived back in the day, (roars) I would've kicked Bugsy Siegal's ass!
Bonnie: That was a great movie about the life and times of Bugsy Siegal.
Lois: I agree. Hey, Peter, what did you think was the best part?
Peter (drunken and slurs his words): I...like.....the...pot......where....Bugs..Bunny shot that guys head off.....
Back to the kitchen, Brian reassures Lois.
Brian: Don't worry, nothing peaks his interest for too long. He'll give up on this, and move onto something else.
Lois (continues to look out the window): Hope you're right, Brian.
Brian goes upstairs to check on Stewie. Peter is running down the street still dancing and saying 'Hello' to people on Spooner Street.
Peter: (to Herbert): Hello, creepy old man who lusts after little boys! (to Joe): Hello, crippled douchebag policeman! (to Mort): Hello, anal retentive Jewish Pharmacy owner!
Joe, Herbert, and Mort look insulted as Peter runs along.
Peter (to Cleveland): Hello, token black guy next door neighbor! (to Quagmire) Hello, perverted airplane pilot!
Quagmire and Cleveland look insulted as well, as they watch Peter run down the street. Peter is now at a big huge tree. The tree had two branches on each side. One side of the branch had a bird, rabbit, squirrel, and beaver. The other side of the tree had a boa constrictor.
Peter: Hello, Mr. Tree! (sees the animals): Hello, Mr. Bird! Hello, Mr. Rabbit, Squirrel, and Beaver! (sees the boa constrictor): Even Hi to you Mr. Snake!
Boa Constrictor (talks like Bruce): C'mon y'all! Don't be scared of me. I am not going to squeeze and eat y'all! I want to be your friend!
The bird, squirrel, rabbit, and beaver all take out uzis and machine guns and shoot up the boa constrictor in a bloody mess.
Boa Constrictor (slowly dying from the gun shot wounds): You killed me, y'all.....You're all very judgemental..... (falls over dead) Oh, nooooooo.
Out of nowhere, Stewie comes out from behind the tree Peter was, and takes the dead snake.
Stewie: Ha! Excellent! You'll be perfect for my expirements!
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Chapter Two:
In his bedroom, Stewie skins the snake into it's skeleton and puts it in a boiling plot.
Chris (finds the snake skeleton): Oh, boy! I'm going to show this to Meg!
Stewie keeps working on his project as Chris goes into Meg's room.
Chris: Hey, Meg! Brought you a pet!
Meg screams at the snake skeleton and runs away. Chris was chasing Meg around the house with the snake skeleton. Stewie ignores the commotion as he stirs the boiling pot.
Stewie: Looks like victory will be mine after all! Why in the world did I abandon my plans for world domination and kill Lois?
Brian walks into Stewie's bedroom.
Stewie: Hey, get out of here! This is top secret!
Brian: Whatcha makin' there?
Stewie: Feel like a soon-to-be rape victim here. Which part of 'get out of here' didn't you understand? Why don't you go write a sequel to 'Faster Than The Speed Of Love'?
Brian (looks into the pot): Is that a Love Potion Number Nine for homosexuals?
Stewie: Well, if you must know. I am making a cloning potion.
Brian: Bullshit! I think you're going to use that Love Potion on Adam Lambert! Heard you listen to him lately.
Stewie: It's cloning potion you worthless goose testicle! Adam Lambert is so 5 minutes ago! It's all about Sam Smith now!
Brian: Cloning potion! What is it for?
Stewie: My plans to take over the world of course. My evil clones will follow me as their leader and I will lead them to destroy the whole world.
Brian: And let me guess, kill Lois too?
Stewie: Exactly!
Brian takes the pot away from Stewie and tries to dispose of the contents.
Stewie: What the duece?
Brian: Can't let you do this!
Stewie: Oh yes you will! Or else I'll tell Quagmire you slept with his religious fanatical mother.
Brian: Yeah, like he would believe you! He doesn't even know you talk! I'm doing this for Lois! I am not going to let you kill her!
Stewie: Ahh, I see you still have the hots for her. I'll tell Peter you tried to make a move on Lois again! Remember what happened in Massachuttes! It'll be another Chappaquiddick! Only Peter would be Ted Kennedy and you will be Mary Jo with an unpronouncable name!
Brian: Never! You'll ruin the country worse than Obama!
Then Brian and Stewie chased each other around and grabs the pot by the handle. Brian does the same as they play a tug of war game with the pot and the potion inside.
Stewie: Me using this potion would be like Fred Flinstone starting a hate group campaign against Barney Rubble.
Cutaway Scene:
It shows the exterior of the Grand Poobah in Bedrock. Fred Flintstone comes to the podium and the all the men from Bedrock were there too.
Fred: Good evening gentlemen. I have taken over the Grand Poobah. Because we have a menece in our midst.
Joe Rockhead: Who is it?
Fred: Someone who had been a thorn in my side since childhood. Making my life miserable.
Slate: Don't keep up waiting tell us who the (beep) it is!
Fred: My worthless, disgusting, asswipe neighbor ...
A Curtain opens and there was a picture of Barney Rubble.
Fred: Barney Rubble!
Joe Rockhead: I thought he was your BFF, dude!
Fred: Not anymore! You people are going to help me assassinate, eliminate, obliterate this filthy piece of scum!
Slate: Why do you want to kill Barney Rubble?
Fred: He commited the crime of the century!
Joe Rockford: Don't kill Barney! He's a good guy! What did he do so bad?
Fred (screaming in anger): HE STOLE MY PEBBLES!!!!!!
In the background there was a mountain shown with thunder and lightning surrounding it. Barney Rubble was eating Fruity Pebbles cereal on top of the mountain laughing at Fred.
Barney: Let's see Fred try to get my Fruity Pebbles cereal now! (Laughs evilly)
Back in Stewie's bedroom. Brian was still trying to get the potion away from Stewie.
Brian (straining): I'm over Lois!
Stewie (straining): You son of a bitch, always trying to ruin my fun!
Brian and Stewie fight over the pot, and then the pot flies into the air and lands on both of them. An explosion is heard in Stewie's bedroom, and the explosion caused Brian and Stewie to go into comas. Then a whole bunch of demonic clones of Brian and Stewie start appearing and popping up one by one. The evil Brian and Stewie clones all talked in low toned demonic, droned voices, and their eyes were yellow and red swirls. The clones had teeth like a woolly mammoth.
Brian Clone #1: We shall overcome!
Stewie Clone #1: Free at last! Free at last!
Brian Clone #2: Wait, those weren't the words we wanted.
Stewie Clone #2: Forget the words, we are going to take over this pathetic town! Today Quahog! Tommorow, The World!
The evil Brian and Stewie clones multiplied by the dozens until there was 666 of them.
Dramatic chords are played as the evil Brian and Stewie clones set out for destruction.
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Chapter Three:
Peter was out on the town with Joe and Quagmire. The evil Brian and Stewie clones try to find a headquaters in which they can lay out their plans to destroy Quahog.
Brian Clone #3: We need a place to plan our attacks.
Stewie Clone #3: Indeed. Say, I know a place?
Brian Clone #4: What did you find?
Stewie Clone #3: How about we use that black guy's house from across the street?
Stewie Clone #4: Excellent! From what I heard, that fat buffoonish son of the bitch that lives in that house we originated always destroys the black guy's house with his contraptions!
The Brian and Stewie clones all get out a cannon and shoot at Cleveland's house with it.
Brian Clone #5: Ready.....aim.......FIRE! (shoots the cannon)
As usual, the cannonball from the cannon blows up Cleveland's house. Cleveland falls from the floor above as he house is destroyed. Cleveland assumes Peter destroyed his house again.
Cleveland: Aww, crap! Peter is at it again.. Some things never change.......No No No No No!........ (crashes in the bathtub to the ground). Dammit Peter, you.....(sees the clones): What the hell? What the (beep) are you guys? Demons? (puts on some clothes and runs away) I'm going to the Clam!
As they watch Cleveland run away. The Brian and Stewie all move into the now destroyed Cleveland's house and make their first move.
Brian Clone #10: Who should we attack first?
Stewie Clone #15: That black guy said he was going to the Clam. Let's attack there.
Brian Clone #23: Great idea. I'll go. I know just who to get......
Stewie Clone #33: Who is it going to be?
Brian Clone #23: The one that hates me! The town pervert! Quagmire! Or should I say, 'Dickmire'!
Stewie Clone #34: Don't think you should call him that! Oh wait! You totally should!
Brian Clone #23: That is what I am going to call him!
Stewie Clone #16: An insult word that best describes him! I get it!
All the evil Brian and Stewie clones build a tank to go attack Quagmire. Meanwhile at the Drunken Clam, Peter, Joe, and Quagmire were sitting at their favorite booth, and Cleveland comes in looking all insecure.
Peter: Cleveland? Why aren't you with your step family?
Cleveland: They're in Stoolbend for the weekend. Is it okay if I hang around you guys for a while? My house got destroyed.
Quagmire: Sure! You're always welcome here! Have you meet Jerome yet?
Cleveland: No, I don't believe I have. Say listen. Peter, do you know anything about any demons on your lawn? They blew up my house.
Peter: Nope, don't know a thing. Lois is home all the time. So, she might know a thing or two.
Cleveland: Would you happen to know if Brian and Stewie cloned themselves, maybe?
Peter: Nope, it is not my business what my kids and dog do. That's for Lois to deal with.
Joe: If you think someone attacked your house, you report it to me. I am a cop after all.
Cleveland: Ehhh, maybe later. Doubt it was demons. Say this again. The weird thing is, they looked like Brian and Stewie. Maybe Brian and Stewie have some kind of secret lifestyle that we don't know about?
Considering the possibility that Cleveland's theory might be true, Peter rubs his chin.
Peter: Nah, I wouldn't worry about it. Come to think of it, you could be right, Cleveland. Sometimes Brian and Stewie are often gone a long time. Nah. It can't be. (picks up a beer bottle) How about we just get drunk and forget all our troubles? I like to drink to forget about Meg!
Cleveland: Could've just been a comet or something. (sees the TV) What are we watching here?
Peter: Since Jerome took over the Clam, he's been making us watch 1970's Blaxploitation movies.
Quagmire: This one is called Coffy! It's got a sexy black chick on it named Pam Grier! She can kick my ass anyday! OH!
Cleveland: Blaxploitation! Cool beans and collared greens! My new wife Donna was in one of those!
Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire all drink beer and toast as they watch the movie at the Drunken Clam unaware of the danger that is lurking.
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Chapter Four:
Outside the Drunken Clam, an evil Brian Clone is hiding inside a tank, and lays in wait for Quagmire. Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland were walking back from the Drunken Clam.
Peter: Anybody remember when Sonic the Hedgehog was popular in the 90's?
Joe: Oh, yes. I remember those games. My son Kevin used to play them.
Peter: Back in the day, Sonic the Hedgehog had it all. Fame, fortune....
Cleveland: Sonic? Wasn't he voiced by that Urkel guy?
Quagmire: If you thought that was a flash in the pan, what about that Bubsy The Bobcat? What the(beep) ever happened to him?
Cleveland: Please continue Peter. If he was voiced by a black guy, I'd like to hear about it.
Peter: Every Sonic game was a hit! Sonic had cartoons, comic books, every American household had a Sega....Then a few years later nobody liked it anymore, and gamers went back to Nintendo and Mario. Sonic was all forgotten about. (falsetto voice): What the HELL happened?
Joe: I don't know, Peter. Perhaps the Nintendo company must have hired a sleeper agent spy to sneak into Sega and hack into the games and put subliminal messages in the Sega games to brainwash people back to playing Nintendo. Trust me, I'm a cop. I know these things.
Peter (normal voice): You could be right, Joe. It probably went a little something like this....
Cutaway Scene:
Shows a level from Sonic the Hedgehog 3. In between scenes, a man in a suit appears every 3 seconds.
Man: Mario! Mario! Mario! Nintendo! Nintendo! Nintendo!
More scenes from Sonic the Hedgehog 3 are shown and the man appears again every 3 seconds.
Man: Mario Good! Sonic Bad! Nintendo Good! Sega Bad! Get the (beep) of that (beeping) Sega and play some Nintendo!
Cutaway over and the scene goes back to sidewalk that leads to the Clam.
Peter: That makes a lot of sense!
Cleveland: Some people like to try new things for a while and it doesn't set well with them. So they go back to the time, place, and things that made them the most happy. Like a simpler time. If I had to guess.
Quagmire: Yeah. (giggles) Or maybe a bunch of Nintendo employees broke into the Sega building one night and raped all the women! Ohhhhh! (jumping and skipping) Giggity Giggity Giggity, Doo Doo Doo!
Peter, Joe, and Cleveland laugh.
Cleveland: Why did I ever leave Quahog? I miss Quagmire's dirty jokes!
Peter: Oh, Quagmire! You come up with the best rape jokes!
Joe: Who else but Quagmire!
Quagmire (walks away): Well, goodbye guys! See you soon! Hope you get your house fixed, Cleveland.
The evil Brian Clone secretly follows Quagmire in a tank. The gun barrell to the tank points at Quagmire's back.
Quagmire: Hey, guys. Do you feel anything poking at your back?
Peter: Oh, Quagmire! You're lying again.
Cleveland: Probably another one of your 'tricks'.
Quagmire: No seriously! Something is poking my back!
Peter: No there isn't! (Rosie Perez voice): Don't be so stu-pid! (normal voice): You probably hired a prostitute to give you a message!
Quagmire: No! It's true! (feels the gun barrel point to his back again) See! There it goes again!
Joe, Peter, and Cleveland were completely unaware of the tank that is behind Quagmire.
Cleveland: Maybe there's a whole in your shirt and you're feeling a draft.
Peter: Yeah, Quagmire! Don't be such a dickhole about it if it's true. If not, then stop pulling Joe's leg!
Joe (angerly): I resent that!
Peter, Joe, and Cleveland all walk back to their homes far away from Quagmire.
Quagmire: Don't want to help me, fine I'll just.....(turns around and sees the tank): AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Someone's trying to kill me!
Brian Clone #23 (comes out of the tank): You are absolutely correct!
Quagmire: Brain! You've gone insane!
Brian Clone #23: Not as insane as you, obviously! Who else but Dickmire!
Quagmire (angerly): Do not make fun of my name! Though, Dickmire does have a nice ring to it!
Brain Clone #23: Prepare to DIE!!!!!
Quagmire runs away as the evil Brian Clone shoots at him randomly.
Brian Clone #23: Hold still, dammit!
After a long chase, Quagmire manages to get away as he runs into his house.
Quagmire (sighs in relief): Shooo! That was close. What the (beep) got into Brian lately? Could Cleveland be right about the 'demons'? Ahhh, who gives a shit about Brian anyway! Welp! I'm in the clear so I am going to watch my favorite Bud Light commercial on Youtube.
A loud, demonic roar is heard, but Quagmire ignores it. Quagmire is now on his computer looking up the Bud Light commercial.
Quagmire: All right! Look at those two girls going at it! Oh!
The same roar is heard again. Quagmire continues to ignore it.
Quagmire (watches the video): Here comes the best part!
Brian Clone #23: Peek-a-boo, I see you!
Quagmire (laughs): Those girls ripping off their shirts! Giggitty!
The evil Brian Clone comes out of nowhere and roars in Quagmire's face.
Quagmire: AHHHHHH!!!!! Damn you, Brian! What kind of a sicko joke is this?
Brian Clone #23: YOU are the sicko, (beep)mire!
Quagmire: OKay, Brian! I don't know what kind of a game you're trying to play here...
Brian Clone #23 (in Quagmire's face): Remember.....remember.....remember when I (beep) your fahter/mother Ida? When she had an orgasm, she sounded (in high pitched voice) JUST............LIKE.............TTTHHHHHIIIISSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
Quagmire (stunned): Feeling unsettled and unnerved here! That was terrifying! You ruined Who Framed Roger Rabbit for me! You son of a bitch!
Brian Clone #23: Payback! It's what I am after! You're about to learn that it is a BITCH!
Quagmire: Calm down! Calm down! You know, if you can't stand the fact that I hate you, then you have one huge ass ego. You're blowing this all out of proportion!
Brian Clone #23: You hate me for no good reason you rapist bastard! Who do you think you are criticizing me about how I relate to Holden Caufield and how I never see my son, Dylan!
Quagmire: I have lots of reasons to hate you! Deadbeat, drunken loser who thinks he's better than everybody!
Brian Clone #23: What about you? You have love children that you abandoned long ago! Hell, you gave up your daughter Anna Lee for adoption just so you could keep up your perverted lifestyle!
Quagmire: You slept with my father after his sex change! Reminded me of that just now!
Brain Clone #23: Did not know he WAS your father! Now, Shitmire! You are mine!!!!
Feeling cornered and backed up against a wall, Quagmire trembles in fear.
Quagmire: Why are you acting like this? It's drugs, isn't it? Wouldn't put it past you! Peter told me that you did mushrooms during Hurricane Flozell!
Brian Clone #23: No. I am not Brian. I am an EVIL CLONE! (roaring laughter) Can't you tell by my eyes and teeth by now?
Quagmire tries to escape the evil Brian Clone's wrath, but fails. The evil Brian Clone has a pipe in one hand and he chases Quagmire until he tackles him and pins him to the floor.
Brian Clone #23: I am going to put an end to your perverted rein of terror once and for all!
Quagmire (angerly): NEVER! Nothing going to break my stride! You'll never bust my balls!
Brian Clone #23: You like to rape! Now you're going to know what it's like to be violated! (roars with evil laughter) Giggitty! Giggitty!
Still pinned to the floor, the evil Brian Clone shoves the pipe into Quagmire's rectum. Quagmire screams in pain. Then the evil Brian Clones roughs up Quagmire by beating him senseless.
Brian Clone #23: By the way, your he/she father/mother was a good (beep). I enjoyed (beep) her! I'd do it again if I could!
Quagmire (sobbing uncontrollably): Mercy Me!
Brian Clone #23: Another thing! Remember when you guys were talking about how Sega's popularity declined? It happened because Sega kept coming out with these new systems for their games and they were too expensive for anyone to afford! That is why people turned against Sonic and went back to Super Mario! It wasn't a massive rape like you thought it was! Seriously! Is that all you think about is rape?!
Feeling defeated, Quagmire sighs sadly as the evil Brian Clones leaves him for dead. Quagmire is not dying however, he is horribly injured.
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Chapter Five:
Back in Cleveland's House which was now fixed up by the Brian and Stewie clones, they were doing a song and congo dance. They were singing to the tune of Harry Belafonte's Day Yo.
Stewie and Brian Clones (singing): Day, Yo! Dayyyyyy, Yo! Cleveland's House is now evil clones home!
Brian Clone #23 (walks into the house): Got Quagmire! Consider him to be as the Mafia would say, 'cut off at the knees'.
Stewie Clone #56: You did a very good job. We've been watching the attacks on Skype.
A knock is heard and a Brian Clone answers it and it's Cleveland.
Cleveland: Give me my house back! Give me my house back! Give me my house back!
Brian Clone #231: NO NO NO!
Cleveland was grabbed by the torso and kicked into the air like a football by the Brian Clone. The Evil Brian and Stewie clones had Stewie's laptop to plan and watch the attacks.
Brian Clone #178: Why a laptop? Shouldn't we have a map of Quahog?
Stewie Clone #222: Too primitive! We need to be more techological with the times.
Stewie Clone #67: Who should we humiliate and terrorize now?
Brian Clone #90: Got an idea! (types in the laptop) How about we get those trendy, snobby, jocks and social butterflies at James Woods High!
Stewie Clone #81: Yes, we shall. Let's see how cool they think they are when we tear them to kingdom come!
Brian Clone #61: By the end of the day, WE will be the popular crowd everybody is going to love.
The Stewie and Brian Clones all run out of Cleveland's house and run together in a pack to go to James Woods High. When they were running, the sound of squishy jello can be heard.
Brian Clone #39 (looking at binoculours): We're almost there! Pick up the pace!
Stewie Clone #59: Let us get Meg, too! We'll get all of Quahog! So victory will be ours! (laughs diabolocially.)
At James Woods High, Meg was at her locker. Connie D'Amico and the popular kids come up to Meg to verbally harrass and bully her.
Connie (snobbishly): Hey, Meg. We finally found that lost dog that went missing in Pawtucket.
Meg: Oh, really! That's wonderful. Where did you find it?
Connie: We're looking at 'em right now! (laughs)
As Connie, the jocks, and her friends were laughing at Meg's expense, a crash is heard.
Jock #1: Dude, what was that?
The flock of Brian and Stewie clones broke into James Woods High through the walls and viciously and brutally attacked Connie and the popular kids. One Brian Clone pins down Connie.
Brian Clone #77 (to Connie): How dare you diss dogs!!!! (scratches and bites Connie's face to the bone)
Connie (screams in pain): PAINFUL!!! This is worse than menstral cramps! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! My face! It's all bloody!
Brian Clone #98 (beating up the jocks and popular kids): What has our kind ever done to you, anyway!
Meg watches helplessly as she sees the evil Brian and Stewie Clones torture, maim, strangle, scratch, bite, wrestle, and throw around Connie, the jocks and the popular kids.
Jock #1: Someone help us! Somebody has to!
Jock #2: Don't worry! They have to help us. We're the popular kids! Everybody loves us!
Meg (takes out her cellphone): Oh, no! The popular kids are being attacked by demons! What a bloody mess! I know! (dials her cellphone); I'll call 911, save their lives, and they'll like me so much, they'll have to let me into their clique! I just might get popularity ever all!
Stewie Clone #65: No, you won't! (tackles Meg and scratches her face)
Meg (screams): You're a demon! You won't get away with this! Why did you take the form of my brother Stewie?
Stewie Clone #65: I believe we already are...Besides we're clones! You know your baby brother likes to invent things.
Meg: What do you want with me?
Stewie Clone #65: Meg Griffin! You are the most hated girl in Quahog. An outcast in school, and the outcast of your family. No man will ever love you. No one will EVER be your friend. You being ugly is the problem. As a matter of fact, I actually feel sorry for you. If you know what's good for you, get out NOW! And don't ever help out the popular kids ever again! No matter what you do, they will never like you. They will perish under our rule! NOW GO!
Meg runs away scared as the Brian and Stewie clones continue to attack all the students and the teachers. The next day, the Brian and Stewie clones plan on who to attack next. The use the laptop to track down someone they can humiliate.
Brian Clone #99: So far our attacks have been a success.
Stewie Clone #100: Nobody has reoprted them yet.
Brian Clone #109: Yes, we but who should we get next do you suppose?
Stewie Clone #167 (gets a laptop): This person. (a picture of Herbert is shown on the laptop)
Brian Clone #234: We'll get old that decrepit asshole! Child obsessed scum bucket!
Stewie Clone #555: He only likes little boys though. Maybe we can seduce him.
Brian Clone #453: All the more reason to get him.
The laptop shows a picture of Herbert. Chris Griffin was over at Herbert's house having a play date with him. Chris was jumping rope as Herbert watched.
Chris (jumping rope); One potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four! Kardashians Are Attention Whores!
Herbert (clapping his hands): Bravo Chris! Bravo! That was beautiful! (wipes away a tear with his finger)
Chris (jumping rope): It's so good to be friends with you again, Herbert.
Herbert: It's good to be back, Chris it's good to be back.
Chris (jumping rope): It was my stupid sister's fault we broke up in the first place.
Herbert: Well, that's the thing about women, Chris. They destroy relationships with you have, and take away everything you own. Don't ever get involved with one. (whispers to the screen) And people wonder why I prefer little boys to women!
Chris (jumping rope): Did you get that movie I sent you for your birthday?
Herbert: Best movie I have ever seen in my life. I loved Diary Of A Wimpy Kid.
The Brian and Stewie clones come out of nowhere and jump themselves in front of Herbert and Chris.
Herbert: Who the hell are you little bastards?
Stewie Clone #222: Demonic clones!
Brian Clone #588: Isn't this precious! Looks like something out of Norman Rockwell.
Stewie Clone #433: If it isn't the prodigal son, and the likely canditate for Chris Hanson's The Catch A Predator!
Chris (panicked): Oh, my gosh! I think those things are going to kill us!
Herbert: Step aside, Chris. (gets his walker ready) I'm going to defend your honor!
Chris tries to get away, but more Brian and Stewie clones block his path.
Stewie Clone #234: You have no choice. You will both stay here and be destroyed...
Herbert tires to ward off the clones with his walker.
Chris: You can do it, Herbert! (looks at the clones): They look like Brian and Stewie.
Herbert: You can get me, but you won't Chris! I dealt with assholes like you back in WW2! Run for it, Chris!
Chris tries to escape again, but a Stewie Clone uses him as a trampoline. Some Brian clones punch and kick Chris as well. Then the Brian and Stewie clone surround Herbert by tackling him, they were biting and sucking on his skin.
Herbert: Ooooh.....Aaahhhhhh, is this good or is this bad?
Then the Brian and Stewie clones run away back to Cleveland's House. Chris was all beaten and bruised, he runs to see if Herbert is okay.
Chris: You okay, Mr. Herbert. Please don't be dead. Who am I going to run away to when I have trouble with my parents?
Herbert (gets up): I am not dead at all! That was actually kind of fun! It was a good day.
Chris: What exactly what they do to you?
Herbert: Rather just keep that to myself.
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Chapter Six:
At Cleveland's House, the Brian and Stewie clones all plan their next move via the laptop.
Stewie Clone #441: Dammit! When are we going to get Peter Griffin? We already attacked his kids. And those perverts he knows.
Brian Clone #332: We're saving Peter for last.
Stewie Clone #272: Isn't this great! We're destroying Quahog and getting away with it.
Brian Clone #621: The one person we should get is that Mayor Adam West guy.
The Brian and Stewie Clones were running to Adam West's house in a pack and the sound of squishy jello can be heard again. At the Mayor Mansion where Adam West lived, he was there along with Semus and Dr. Hartman. Adam West was feeling sad about a party he planned. He invited the whole town. Only Semus and Dr. Hartman showed up.
Hartman: Awww, don't feel too bad. (picks up beer can) Besides, who can say no to this beer?
Adam West (despondant): Expected more people to come to my divorce party. It hasn't been the same since Carol left me.
Semus: Well, that's your problem. Nobody is going to want to come to a divorce party. Should've made it a cheerful nautical theme!
Hartman; At least we showed up. Wouldn't miss it for the world! (picks up beer bottle) YUM!!!!
Adam West (despondant): I wouldn't blame the strippers one bit for not showing up.
Semus: Divorce is nothing people celebrate, lad.
Hartman: It is supposed to be depressing. Divorce that is...
Adam West: I wanted it to be a happy divorce party....
A knock is heard at Adam West's door.
Adam West: Yes! I knew it! More people are here! (goes to the door): Come on in....
The guests at the door were Brian and Stewie clones.
Adam West: Hey! You're not those party clowns I ordered!
The Brian and Stewie clones roared with anger as they attacked Semus, Hartman, and Adam West.
Brian Clone #343 (wrestling Dr. Hartman): We are just what the doctor ordered!
Semus was getting his wooden arms and legs eaten by the Brian and Stewie clones.
Brian and Stewie clones (eating Semus's wooden limbs): Delicious! Has a 'woodsy' flavor!
Stewie Clone #111 (throwing Adam West back and forth Bam Bam style): You're not a mayor. You're just a silly loser man child who thinks he's a mayor!
Adam West: I am too a Mayor! I went to Choate!
Brian Stewie clones (together): This party is over!
Then the evil Brian and Stewie clones tear down the party decorations, punch and kick Semus, Adam West, and Dr. Hartman some more. Then the Brian and Stewie clones go back to Cleveland's house. Semus cannot walk anymore.
Hartman; What in the world was THAT all about?
Semus: You think you have it bad? I need new sea legs!
Adam West: I will never have a divorce party again. Just wanted to be cool for my single guy friends.
Hartman: We should report those intruders. There seems to be something going on here. People getting attacked and all torn up and bloodied by those demon-like creatures... Seen it at the hospital a lot where people complain of that same story these past two days. Why isn't anyone doing anything?
Semus: Something doesn't add up, but what? You're the mayor, you can figure out this mystery.
Adam West: Maybe people are just too scared. (trembling in fear) Like I AM!!!!
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Chapter Seven:
At the Quahog Park, Carter Pewterschmidt and his wife Babs were taking a walk for a day of fresh air.
Carter: Why did you talk me into this, Babs? Taking me to the park where I can be working and fiddle around with my money!
Babs: You could use some fresh air. Need to get out of that company sometime.
Carter (whining): You don't understtaaand! I'm a workaholic! I love to work and be corrupt!
Babs: Oh. lighten up! There is more to life than work. You used to know that.
Carter: Well I grew up.
Babs and Carter sees a baby that looks like Stewie in a distance. Babs sees the baby as well. They were both totally unaware that the baby is a Stewie clone.
Babs: Sweet mother of God! Isn't that Stewie!
Carter: It is! Bet anything that cocksucker son in law of mine Peter Griffin must've left him behind.
Babs: Let's go get him.
Carter (gets his cellphone): In a minute. I'm calling Lois to tell her what Peter did.
Babs: We have no evidence Peter left Stewie alone.
Carter: Once I tell Lois, she'll be so mad at him she'll divorce his fat ass! Never forigve him, and Lois will come back to us.
Babs and Carter walk up to the Stewie clone. Carter picks him up.
Carter: Hey, there little grandson! It's me. You're Grandpa! (singing) Yay! Grandpa's here! Yay Grandpa's...
When Carter turned Stewie over, the evil Stewie clone bit Carter in the arm. Babs screams.
Babs: Oh, for goodness sakes! What has happened!
Carter (trying to shake off the Stewie Clone): Get it off me! Get it off me! (blood fles around) Please stop! You'll get my diabetes!
The Stewie Clone lets go of Carter.
Stewie Clone #195: You will no longer be the corrupt business! For I will take over your business old man!
Carter gets bitten by the Stewie Clone again. Meanwhile, Peter and Lois were driving through Quahog admist the chaos the Brian and Stewie clones were causing. As they were driving, the town of Quahog was in shambles, buildings were on fire, hydrants were squirting water into the air, manholes were opened, car accidents and everyone in town they see were getting attacked by the Brian and Stewie clones. Some Brian and Stewie clones were even damaging buildings with baseball bats.
Jerome (screaming): Get off my afro!
Mort (being bit on the rear): This is murder on my hemmeroids!
Angela (running around with a Brian clone on her head): I need a rabies shot!
Bruce (Brian and Stewie clones biting his legs): I hope I never get help. Loving this humpin' going on!
Lois: This town was peaceful just yesterday, now look at it. Everyone is being attacked by demons.
Peter: Demons? You know, I thought I heard Cleveland mention something about today.
Cleveland (pops out of the backseat of Peter's Car): Indeed you have!
Lois: BAH! Cleveland? You scared the bee-jesus out of me! What were you doing in the back seat?
Peter: THAT'S Cleveland? Thought it was Guy Smily from Sesame Street!
Lois: Did you really think that?
Peter: Yes I did. Really really did.
Cleveland: Been secretly following y'all when those demons took over my house.
Peter (drives fast back home): Don't worry, Cleveland! We're on the case! We'll get Joe to help us!
Cleveland: Want my house back so badly. Feel like I have been through Hurricane Sandy! Might as well go back to Stoolbend.
Lois, Cleveland, and Peter all go to the Griffin House to call Joe and tell him about the demon situation and devise a plan. Meanwhile back at Cleveland's House, the Brian and Stewie clones were having a swanky party.
Stewie Clone #543: Soon, everyone here will know this town belongs to us!
Brian Clone #221: We are so close, yet not quite there.
Stewie Clone #610: What do you say we celebrate!
Brian Clone #333: How about a movie? It's on me. We'll watch The John Candy classic Summer Rental.
Stewie Clone #299: NO! This town is too adament and intent on doing 80's Movie references. We shall not fall down to their level.
Brian Clone #414: Let's watch a funny comedy with black people in it! (takes out a DVD) Are We There Yet!
Stewie Clone #216: With Ice Cube! Spendid!
At the Channel Five News Building, Some Brian and Stewie clones have taken hostages. They capture Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney. They laugh as they are now bound and gagged in the closet.
Brian Clone #622: We take over the news, now!
Stewie Clone #332: If you are ever freed you can both come out of the 'closet' (laughs evilly).
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Chapter Eight:
At the Griffin House, Peter is watching a movie in spite of all the chaos surrounding the Brian and Stewie clones.
TV Announcer: We now return to Marlon Brando in a movie where he plays a racist overseer from the 1700s.
Peter: Holy freakin' sweet! If it's Marlon Brando it's gotta be good!
The TV shows Marlon Brando beat up a black guy.
Marlon Brando (on TV): Whites are better than blacks! Whites are better than blacks! Whites are better than blacks! You mother is whore......
Lois (walks into the living room): Peter, I just called Joe and Bonnie. They're coming over. (sees Peter watching TV) You're watching TV at a time like this?
Peter: Dammit I hate it when you nag me! Watching TV helps me cope with reality.
Lois: But there's something happening to our town! It's so typical of you that you don't even care!
Peter: They're always something (curls fingers) 'happening' in our town. You don't see me gassing on about it.
Lois: Listen Peter....
Peter: You're such a bitch in a crisis sitaution! (point at Lois's nose) Bitchy! Bitchy! Bitchy! heee heee! Liked my Professor Hinkle impression just now? But Crap! Hate your bitching! You haven't bitched to me this bad since I did that Ditech commercial.
Cutaway Scene shows Peter at a desk wearing a business suit and a file in the background.
Peter (sobbing): Lost another loan to Ditech! (sobbing until he shoots himself in a head leaving a bloody mess.)
Back to the living room, Peter and Lois are watching TV, just as Meg runs in through the door crying her eyes out. Meg's face is scratched from the Stewie clone that attacked her earlier.
Meg: (bawling uncontrollably)
Lois: Great! Just when things couldn't get any worse.......Now we have to deal with this. (points to Meg)
Peter: You're spot on! Meg's crying again, quick Lois! Get into your escape pods!
Lois: No, Peter! YOU deal with it!
Peter: Nuh Uh! You deal with it!
Lois: No you deal!
Peter: Nuh Uh! You deal!
Lois: You deal!
Peter: You deal!
Lois and Peter get in each other's faces.
Peter: YOU!
Lois: YOU!
Peter: YOU!
Lois: YOU!
Peter: Fine! You win! (looks at Meg's face scratch): Hey, Meg! Who gave you that scratch, Ted Nugent? He gave you, "Cat Scratch Fever"! Hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Lois: Make it fast, Meg. We have more important things going on.
Meg (sobbing): The popular kids got attacked in school today by some demons. I was attacked myself!
Lois: Turn on the news and let's see if anyone else got attacked.
Peter turns onto Channel 5, but instead of finding Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney, they see Brian and Stewie clones.
Brian Clone #478: Greetings! I am Brian Clone number 478!
Stewie Clone #383: And I am Stewie Clone number 383! Tonight on the news, we are taking over Quahog.
Brian Clone #478: We have brutally injured, killed, murdered, and brought great pain to your city and people. So soon, you will all grovel to our power.
Stewie Clone #383: Amoung all the destruction we did to your asinine city, we go to Ollie Williams for the weather....Ollie?
The screen shot shows some Brian and Stewie clones barbacuing Ollie Williams on a rotisseree.
Ollie: HELP ME!!! I'M BURNING UP HERE! I'M ON FIREEEE!!!!!
Brian Clone #478: Thanks Ollie! You're becoming even more black than you already are!
Stewie Clone #383: Now stay tuned for THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!!
Lois (turns off TV): That is it! This demon thing ends NOW! Where are Joe and Bonnie?
The knock is heard on the door, and Peter goes to answer it, and it is Joe and Bonnie who both have a suitcase full of weapons.
Peter: Joe! Thank God you're here. Heard about these 'demons'?
Joe: Yes, I have. In fact, I was the only cop who took an interest in it. And I was the only cop whom people reported it to. None of the other police on the force wanted anything to do with the demons. (sighs) Once again, everything is on me.
Bonnie: Joe and I thought this suitcase full of machine guns and uzis would be able to take them down.
Peter: Well, you don't worry, Joe! You have Peter Griffin on your side! I'll be like Rambo!
Cutaway Scene shows Peter as Rambo shooting up Carter Pewterschmidt's office.
Carter: Dammit Peter!
Peter: Can't get it out of my head! A dream for seven years.....
The cutaway is cut short when Lois butts in.
Lois: Enough with the cutaway!
Joe, Bonnie, Peter, and Lois step outside and open the suitcase. Each of them took a machine gun and uzi.
Peter: Awww, crap. Are these the only weapons we have?
Joe: Well yeah, It's going to combat the demons.
Peter: Don't you have one of those Nintendo Guns?
Lois: No, Peter. There aren't any 'Nintendo' Guns. Gosh you're such a lame ass.
Bonnie: Those aren't real, why would you want that for?
Peter: I was hoping to be like Captain N.
As Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie were getting ready to go to Cleveland's house to confront the demons, Quagmire staggers up to them with the pipe in his anus.
Lois: Oh, my gosh! Quagmire! What has happened to you?
Quagmire (dispairingly): You don't want to know.......
Bonnie: Looks like you were raped. Serves you right, hopefully this will be the end of your days as a pervert.
Quagmire: NO!!!! (stands up and points in the air) This expirience will make me an even better pervert! Giggity! Ahh, who I am kidding..... boo-hoo-hoo-hoo....(falls over in shame)
Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie all walk over to Cleveland's house.
Quagmire: You're going to help me get this pipe out of my ass? Right?
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Chapter Nine:
On the scene at Cleveland's House, the evil Brian and Stewie clones all come out to confront Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie.
Joe: OKay, here they come! Get ready to (roaring): LOCK AND LOAD!!!!!
Brian Clone #666: Peter Griffin! We were expecting you! We were going to save you for last.
Stewie Clone #666: You must have death wish by coming here thinking you can defeat us? What do you wish to say before you die?
Lois: Geez, I don't know about this. They all look like Brian and Stewie.
Peter: Holy crap, you're right. Cleveland mentioned something about that.
Lois: When we do this, does this mean we are killing our family members?
Joe: Well, demons can take the form of anyone.
Bonnie: Less talk, more action!
Lois: It's like I'm killing my dog and my poor sweet baby! (sniffles)
Joe: SHOOT 'EM UP!!!!!!
Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie were all shooting the Brian and Stewie clones with machine guns and uzis. The bullets didn't seem to faze the clones as they were charging at Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie. The Brian and Stewie clones were eating the bullets!
Lois (panics): Oh, no! It's like they're unstoppable!
Peter (panics): THEY'RE EATING THE BULLETS!!!
Bonnie: What do we do now?
Joe: Maybe an exorcist is the solution.
Stewie Clone #665: You will never get us!
Brian Clone #500: We have no weaknesses, you better hand your town over to us now!
Peter: NEVER! (feels a venomous rage going on inside him) You may take away bullets (growling and his eyes turn red) but you'll never take away our...... (yells victoriously) FREEDOM!!!!!!! (rips off his shirt)
Bonnie: Is Peter becoming a demon now?
Lois, Bonnie, and Joe watch as Peter grows rage filled and angerier by the minute.
Peter: These demons make me so mad, they make me wanna......(kicks the Brian Clone) Road House!
Lois sees Peter's Road House kicked chopped the Brian clone in half.
Joe: All right, Peter! Do that again!
Peter: Will do!
Joe, Bonnie, and Lois were watching Peter as he was running and kicking the Brian and Stewie clones randomly.
Peter (kicking a Stewie clone): Road House! (kicking a Brian clone) Road House! (kicking a Stewie clone): Road House! (kicking a Brian clone) Road House!
Lois, Bonnie, and Joe cheer Peter on.
Joe: YAY!! PETER!!!
Lois: Go Peter go! You're doing it! It's working!
Bonnie: Kick Peter kick! Kick like Joe could never kick before!
Joe (facepalms and whines): Will I ever be free of these cripple jokes?
Peter continues to kick the Brian and Stewie clones, and says, "Road House" while he kicks them. The Brian and Stewie clones were being maimed, ripped, chopped, and torn to pieces.
Joe: It's like he's posessed by the spirit of Patrick Swayze! Or Ralph Machicco. Can't really tell.
Soon afterwards, all the 666 evil Brian and Stewie clones have been demolished. Quahog is saved. But the damage to the city remains. Cleveland gets his house back.
Lois: It's over! We did it!
Bonnie: We won!
Joe: All right, Peter!
Cleveland (running gleefully): Yeah....have my house back! Don't need to follow Peter anymore.
Peter: Welp, that does it! Killed all the demons with the power of 80's movies. (looks at the screen in a tough looking stare) Road House!
Bonnie: Oh, Peter! You're a hero.
Lois: You saved us! (seductively) All these heroics of yours are making me horny!
Joe: What do you say we hit the Clam! In the meantime, I'll make those cops who didn't want to help us with the demons clean the rebuild the city.
Peter: Maybe later, Joe! (picks up Lois): Right now, I want to have some victory sex with my wife.
Lois: Ooooh, Peter! You're so romantic! Feel wetter than Melissa McCarthy eating a Taco Bell breakfast!
Peter: I promise, after I'm done, round of beers is on me! But first...(coos at Lois as he carries her to their bedroom)
Joe, Bonnie, Peter, and Lois cheer. Back in Stewie's bedroom, Brian and Stewie wake up from their comas and walk into the city looking at the destruction in their wake.
Brian: Did we miss something? What in the (beep) happened?
Stewie: My cloning liquid happened! That's what. We did miss something because they explosion you caused put us in temporary comas. We're okay now.
Brian: Do you mean....
Stewie: Yep. They were evil clones of you and me running around and attacking and destroying the city. We're better at destroying cities than Godzilla. Kind of goes to show one, you don't have to be Japanese or German to destroy a city! Don't ya think? (nudges Brian's shoulder) Huh? Huh?
Brian: This looks like something out of Mad Max the Road Warrior. That cloning liquid must've worked wonders for you. Stewie, does this mean you're closer to your goal of world domination?
Stewie: Told you victory will be mine! (hangs his head) Just wish we could've been able to see it.
Brian: Evil clones of us ruining the city..... (rubs his eyes)..can't fathom...
Stewie: Since we were cloned, in a way, we did expirience it.
Brian: Are we the only two people alive here?
Stewie: If we are, would you like to be my co-dictator? You can be like Joe Biden... Look at all this! I am so proud of myself.....
Brian assumes everyone in Quahog is dead as him and Stewie explore the obliterated Quahog. Peter and Lois go up into their bedroom to have sex.
Lois: Oh, Peter! I want you to ravage me!
Peter: Ask and yee shall receieve!
Lois: Nothing is going to ruin this moment for us now!
Peter: Very much doubt that, since I promised we'll all get drunk later.
At the Griffin's pool, Meg was using a pool skimmer to take out bugs, frogs, and goop. Then Meg scoops up a boa constrictor from the pool that looks like the one Peter saw before.
Meg (scerams in fear): AAAHHHH!!!!! A snake is in the pool!
Boa Constrictor #2 (talks like Bruce): Hey, you wouldn't have happened to seen my brother anywhere around today, didja?
Meg shakes her head, "no".
Boa Constrictor #2: All right. Say, you wouldn't happen to know where I can find some rabbits and mice?
THE END
Family Guy
Chronic Demonic
by: Hailey Sands
Opening Credits scene:
The opening credits to The Cosby Show season 5 are spoofed. The Griffin Family, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were dancing around in Hawaiian shirts.
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Chapter One:
It was a typical day in Quahog Rhode Island. Peter Griffin was running, dancing, and skipping around town saying hello to everyone, and singing. Peter was even doing his trademark hee hee hee laugh.
Peter (singing): Hello! Hello! What a wonderful word, hello.....It's wonderful to hear it, everywhere you go!
Lois, is in the kitchen, and looks out the window at Peter and sighs in disbelief. Brian walks into the kitchen, and sits at the table with a coffee mug.
Brian: What's Peter up to today?
Lois: Being an asshole as usual.
Brian: Isn't he always?
Lois: Yesterday we watched that Dudley Moore movie Crazy People, and he's been singing that 'Hello' song ever since.
Brian: Ahhh, don't worry. Pretty soon he'll get bored and move onto the next endeavor.
Lois: Look at him out there. (sees Peter skipping around) Does he look like he's going to quit?
Brian: Peter hasn't embarrassed you this bad since you were both on that movie night date with Joe and Bonnie.
Cutaway Scene shows Joe, Bonnie, an inebriated Peter, and Lois sitting on a couch.
Joe: All I know is, if I had lived back in the day, (roars) I would've kicked Bugsy Siegal's ass!
Bonnie: That was a great movie about the life and times of Bugsy Siegal.
Lois: I agree. Hey, Peter, what did you think was the best part?
Peter (drunken and slurs his words): I...like.....the...pot......where....Bugs..Bunny shot that guys head off.....
Back to the kitchen, Brian reassures Lois.
Brian: Don't worry, nothing peaks his interest for too long. He'll give up on this, and move onto something else.
Lois (continues to look out the window): Hope you're right, Brian.
Brian goes upstairs to check on Stewie. Peter is running down the street still dancing and saying 'Hello' to people on Spooner Street.
Peter: (to Herbert): Hello, creepy old man who lusts after little boys! (to Joe): Hello, crippled douchebag policeman! (to Mort): Hello, anal retentive Jewish Pharmacy owner!
Joe, Herbert, and Mort look insulted as Peter runs along.
Peter (to Cleveland): Hello, token black guy next door neighbor! (to Quagmire) Hello, perverted airplane pilot!
Quagmire and Cleveland look insulted as well, as they watch Peter run down the street. Peter is now at a big huge tree. The tree had two branches on each side. One side of the branch had a bird, rabbit, squirrel, and beaver. The other side of the tree had a boa constrictor.
Peter: Hello, Mr. Tree! (sees the animals): Hello, Mr. Bird! Hello, Mr. Rabbit, Squirrel, and Beaver! (sees the boa constrictor): Even Hi to you Mr. Snake!
Boa Constrictor (talks like Bruce): C'mon y'all! Don't be scared of me. I am not going to squeeze and eat y'all! I want to be your friend!
The bird, squirrel, rabbit, and beaver all take out uzis and machine guns and shoot up the boa constrictor in a bloody mess.
Boa Constrictor (slowly dying from the gun shot wounds): You killed me, y'all.....You're all very judgemental..... (falls over dead) Oh, nooooooo.
Out of nowhere, Stewie comes out from behind the tree Peter was, and takes the dead snake.
Stewie: Ha! Excellent! You'll be perfect for my expirements!
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Chapter Two:
In his bedroom, Stewie skins the snake into it's skeleton and puts it in a boiling plot.
Chris (finds the snake skeleton): Oh, boy! I'm going to show this to Meg!
Stewie keeps working on his project as Chris goes into Meg's room.
Chris: Hey, Meg! Brought you a pet!
Meg screams at the snake skeleton and runs away. Chris was chasing Meg around the house with the snake skeleton. Stewie ignores the commotion as he stirs the boiling pot.
Stewie: Looks like victory will be mine after all! Why in the world did I abandon my plans for world domination and kill Lois?
Brian walks into Stewie's bedroom.
Stewie: Hey, get out of here! This is top secret!
Brian: Whatcha makin' there?
Stewie: Feel like a soon-to-be rape victim here. Which part of 'get out of here' didn't you understand? Why don't you go write a sequel to 'Faster Than The Speed Of Love'?
Brian (looks into the pot): Is that a Love Potion Number Nine for homosexuals?
Stewie: Well, if you must know. I am making a cloning potion.
Brian: Bullshit! I think you're going to use that Love Potion on Adam Lambert! Heard you listen to him lately.
Stewie: It's cloning potion you worthless goose testicle! Adam Lambert is so 5 minutes ago! It's all about Sam Smith now!
Brian: Cloning potion! What is it for?
Stewie: My plans to take over the world of course. My evil clones will follow me as their leader and I will lead them to destroy the whole world.
Brian: And let me guess, kill Lois too?
Stewie: Exactly!
Brian takes the pot away from Stewie and tries to dispose of the contents.
Stewie: What the duece?
Brian: Can't let you do this!
Stewie: Oh yes you will! Or else I'll tell Quagmire you slept with his religious fanatical mother.
Brian: Yeah, like he would believe you! He doesn't even know you talk! I'm doing this for Lois! I am not going to let you kill her!
Stewie: Ahh, I see you still have the hots for her. I'll tell Peter you tried to make a move on Lois again! Remember what happened in Massachuttes! It'll be another Chappaquiddick! Only Peter would be Ted Kennedy and you will be Mary Jo with an unpronouncable name!
Brian: Never! You'll ruin the country worse than Obama!
Then Brian and Stewie chased each other around and grabs the pot by the handle. Brian does the same as they play a tug of war game with the pot and the potion inside.
Stewie: Me using this potion would be like Fred Flinstone starting a hate group campaign against Barney Rubble.
Cutaway Scene:
It shows the exterior of the Grand Poobah in Bedrock. Fred Flintstone comes to the podium and the all the men from Bedrock were there too.
Fred: Good evening gentlemen. I have taken over the Grand Poobah. Because we have a menece in our midst.
Joe Rockhead: Who is it?
Fred: Someone who had been a thorn in my side since childhood. Making my life miserable.
Slate: Don't keep up waiting tell us who the (beep) it is!
Fred: My worthless, disgusting, asswipe neighbor ...
A Curtain opens and there was a picture of Barney Rubble.
Fred: Barney Rubble!
Joe Rockhead: I thought he was your BFF, dude!
Fred: Not anymore! You people are going to help me assassinate, eliminate, obliterate this filthy piece of scum!
Slate: Why do you want to kill Barney Rubble?
Fred: He commited the crime of the century!
Joe Rockford: Don't kill Barney! He's a good guy! What did he do so bad?
Fred (screaming in anger): HE STOLE MY PEBBLES!!!!!!
In the background there was a mountain shown with thunder and lightning surrounding it. Barney Rubble was eating Fruity Pebbles cereal on top of the mountain laughing at Fred.
Barney: Let's see Fred try to get my Fruity Pebbles cereal now! (Laughs evilly)
Back in Stewie's bedroom. Brian was still trying to get the potion away from Stewie.
Brian (straining): I'm over Lois!
Stewie (straining): You son of a bitch, always trying to ruin my fun!
Brian and Stewie fight over the pot, and then the pot flies into the air and lands on both of them. An explosion is heard in Stewie's bedroom, and the explosion caused Brian and Stewie to go into comas. Then a whole bunch of demonic clones of Brian and Stewie start appearing and popping up one by one. The evil Brian and Stewie clones all talked in low toned demonic, droned voices, and their eyes were yellow and red swirls. The clones had teeth like a woolly mammoth.
Brian Clone #1: We shall overcome!
Stewie Clone #1: Free at last! Free at last!
Brian Clone #2: Wait, those weren't the words we wanted.
Stewie Clone #2: Forget the words, we are going to take over this pathetic town! Today Quahog! Tommorow, The World!
The evil Brian and Stewie clones multiplied by the dozens until there was 666 of them.
Dramatic chords are played as the evil Brian and Stewie clones set out for destruction.
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Chapter Three:
Peter was out on the town with Joe and Quagmire. The evil Brian and Stewie clones try to find a headquaters in which they can lay out their plans to destroy Quahog.
Brian Clone #3: We need a place to plan our attacks.
Stewie Clone #3: Indeed. Say, I know a place?
Brian Clone #4: What did you find?
Stewie Clone #3: How about we use that black guy's house from across the street?
Stewie Clone #4: Excellent! From what I heard, that fat buffoonish son of the bitch that lives in that house we originated always destroys the black guy's house with his contraptions!
The Brian and Stewie clones all get out a cannon and shoot at Cleveland's house with it.
Brian Clone #5: Ready.....aim.......FIRE! (shoots the cannon)
As usual, the cannonball from the cannon blows up Cleveland's house. Cleveland falls from the floor above as he house is destroyed. Cleveland assumes Peter destroyed his house again.
Cleveland: Aww, crap! Peter is at it again.. Some things never change.......No No No No No!........ (crashes in the bathtub to the ground). Dammit Peter, you.....(sees the clones): What the hell? What the (beep) are you guys? Demons? (puts on some clothes and runs away) I'm going to the Clam!
As they watch Cleveland run away. The Brian and Stewie all move into the now destroyed Cleveland's house and make their first move.
Brian Clone #10: Who should we attack first?
Stewie Clone #15: That black guy said he was going to the Clam. Let's attack there.
Brian Clone #23: Great idea. I'll go. I know just who to get......
Stewie Clone #33: Who is it going to be?
Brian Clone #23: The one that hates me! The town pervert! Quagmire! Or should I say, 'Dickmire'!
Stewie Clone #34: Don't think you should call him that! Oh wait! You totally should!
Brian Clone #23: That is what I am going to call him!
Stewie Clone #16: An insult word that best describes him! I get it!
All the evil Brian and Stewie clones build a tank to go attack Quagmire. Meanwhile at the Drunken Clam, Peter, Joe, and Quagmire were sitting at their favorite booth, and Cleveland comes in looking all insecure.
Peter: Cleveland? Why aren't you with your step family?
Cleveland: They're in Stoolbend for the weekend. Is it okay if I hang around you guys for a while? My house got destroyed.
Quagmire: Sure! You're always welcome here! Have you meet Jerome yet?
Cleveland: No, I don't believe I have. Say listen. Peter, do you know anything about any demons on your lawn? They blew up my house.
Peter: Nope, don't know a thing. Lois is home all the time. So, she might know a thing or two.
Cleveland: Would you happen to know if Brian and Stewie cloned themselves, maybe?
Peter: Nope, it is not my business what my kids and dog do. That's for Lois to deal with.
Joe: If you think someone attacked your house, you report it to me. I am a cop after all.
Cleveland: Ehhh, maybe later. Doubt it was demons. Say this again. The weird thing is, they looked like Brian and Stewie. Maybe Brian and Stewie have some kind of secret lifestyle that we don't know about?
Considering the possibility that Cleveland's theory might be true, Peter rubs his chin.
Peter: Nah, I wouldn't worry about it. Come to think of it, you could be right, Cleveland. Sometimes Brian and Stewie are often gone a long time. Nah. It can't be. (picks up a beer bottle) How about we just get drunk and forget all our troubles? I like to drink to forget about Meg!
Cleveland: Could've just been a comet or something. (sees the TV) What are we watching here?
Peter: Since Jerome took over the Clam, he's been making us watch 1970's Blaxploitation movies.
Quagmire: This one is called Coffy! It's got a sexy black chick on it named Pam Grier! She can kick my ass anyday! OH!
Cleveland: Blaxploitation! Cool beans and collared greens! My new wife Donna was in one of those!
Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire all drink beer and toast as they watch the movie at the Drunken Clam unaware of the danger that is lurking.
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Chapter Four:
Outside the Drunken Clam, an evil Brian Clone is hiding inside a tank, and lays in wait for Quagmire. Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland were walking back from the Drunken Clam.
Peter: Anybody remember when Sonic the Hedgehog was popular in the 90's?
Joe: Oh, yes. I remember those games. My son Kevin used to play them.
Peter: Back in the day, Sonic the Hedgehog had it all. Fame, fortune....
Cleveland: Sonic? Wasn't he voiced by that Urkel guy?
Quagmire: If you thought that was a flash in the pan, what about that Bubsy The Bobcat? What the(beep) ever happened to him?
Cleveland: Please continue Peter. If he was voiced by a black guy, I'd like to hear about it.
Peter: Every Sonic game was a hit! Sonic had cartoons, comic books, every American household had a Sega....Then a few years later nobody liked it anymore, and gamers went back to Nintendo and Mario. Sonic was all forgotten about. (falsetto voice): What the HELL happened?
Joe: I don't know, Peter. Perhaps the Nintendo company must have hired a sleeper agent spy to sneak into Sega and hack into the games and put subliminal messages in the Sega games to brainwash people back to playing Nintendo. Trust me, I'm a cop. I know these things.
Peter (normal voice): You could be right, Joe. It probably went a little something like this....
Cutaway Scene:
Shows a level from Sonic the Hedgehog 3. In between scenes, a man in a suit appears every 3 seconds.
Man: Mario! Mario! Mario! Nintendo! Nintendo! Nintendo!
More scenes from Sonic the Hedgehog 3 are shown and the man appears again every 3 seconds.
Man: Mario Good! Sonic Bad! Nintendo Good! Sega Bad! Get the (beep) of that (beeping) Sega and play some Nintendo!
Cutaway over and the scene goes back to sidewalk that leads to the Clam.
Peter: That makes a lot of sense!
Cleveland: Some people like to try new things for a while and it doesn't set well with them. So they go back to the time, place, and things that made them the most happy. Like a simpler time. If I had to guess.
Quagmire: Yeah. (giggles) Or maybe a bunch of Nintendo employees broke into the Sega building one night and raped all the women! Ohhhhh! (jumping and skipping) Giggity Giggity Giggity, Doo Doo Doo!
Peter, Joe, and Cleveland laugh.
Cleveland: Why did I ever leave Quahog? I miss Quagmire's dirty jokes!
Peter: Oh, Quagmire! You come up with the best rape jokes!
Joe: Who else but Quagmire!
Quagmire (walks away): Well, goodbye guys! See you soon! Hope you get your house fixed, Cleveland.
The evil Brian Clone secretly follows Quagmire in a tank. The gun barrell to the tank points at Quagmire's back.
Quagmire: Hey, guys. Do you feel anything poking at your back?
Peter: Oh, Quagmire! You're lying again.
Cleveland: Probably another one of your 'tricks'.
Quagmire: No seriously! Something is poking my back!
Peter: No there isn't! (Rosie Perez voice): Don't be so stu-pid! (normal voice): You probably hired a prostitute to give you a message!
Quagmire: No! It's true! (feels the gun barrel point to his back again) See! There it goes again!
Joe, Peter, and Cleveland were completely unaware of the tank that is behind Quagmire.
Cleveland: Maybe there's a whole in your shirt and you're feeling a draft.
Peter: Yeah, Quagmire! Don't be such a dickhole about it if it's true. If not, then stop pulling Joe's leg!
Joe (angerly): I resent that!
Peter, Joe, and Cleveland all walk back to their homes far away from Quagmire.
Quagmire: Don't want to help me, fine I'll just.....(turns around and sees the tank): AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Someone's trying to kill me!
Brian Clone #23 (comes out of the tank): You are absolutely correct!
Quagmire: Brain! You've gone insane!
Brian Clone #23: Not as insane as you, obviously! Who else but Dickmire!
Quagmire (angerly): Do not make fun of my name! Though, Dickmire does have a nice ring to it!
Brain Clone #23: Prepare to DIE!!!!!
Quagmire runs away as the evil Brian Clone shoots at him randomly.
Brian Clone #23: Hold still, dammit!
After a long chase, Quagmire manages to get away as he runs into his house.
Quagmire (sighs in relief): Shooo! That was close. What the (beep) got into Brian lately? Could Cleveland be right about the 'demons'? Ahhh, who gives a shit about Brian anyway! Welp! I'm in the clear so I am going to watch my favorite Bud Light commercial on Youtube.
A loud, demonic roar is heard, but Quagmire ignores it. Quagmire is now on his computer looking up the Bud Light commercial.
Quagmire: All right! Look at those two girls going at it! Oh!
The same roar is heard again. Quagmire continues to ignore it.
Quagmire (watches the video): Here comes the best part!
Brian Clone #23: Peek-a-boo, I see you!
Quagmire (laughs): Those girls ripping off their shirts! Giggitty!
The evil Brian Clone comes out of nowhere and roars in Quagmire's face.
Quagmire: AHHHHHH!!!!! Damn you, Brian! What kind of a sicko joke is this?
Brian Clone #23: YOU are the sicko, (beep)mire!
Quagmire: OKay, Brian! I don't know what kind of a game you're trying to play here...
Brian Clone #23 (in Quagmire's face): Remember.....remember.....remember when I (beep) your fahter/mother Ida? When she had an orgasm, she sounded (in high pitched voice) JUST............LIKE.............TTTHHHHHIIIISSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
Quagmire (stunned): Feeling unsettled and unnerved here! That was terrifying! You ruined Who Framed Roger Rabbit for me! You son of a bitch!
Brian Clone #23: Payback! It's what I am after! You're about to learn that it is a BITCH!
Quagmire: Calm down! Calm down! You know, if you can't stand the fact that I hate you, then you have one huge ass ego. You're blowing this all out of proportion!
Brian Clone #23: You hate me for no good reason you rapist bastard! Who do you think you are criticizing me about how I relate to Holden Caufield and how I never see my son, Dylan!
Quagmire: I have lots of reasons to hate you! Deadbeat, drunken loser who thinks he's better than everybody!
Brian Clone #23: What about you? You have love children that you abandoned long ago! Hell, you gave up your daughter Anna Lee for adoption just so you could keep up your perverted lifestyle!
Quagmire: You slept with my father after his sex change! Reminded me of that just now!
Brain Clone #23: Did not know he WAS your father! Now, Shitmire! You are mine!!!!
Feeling cornered and backed up against a wall, Quagmire trembles in fear.
Quagmire: Why are you acting like this? It's drugs, isn't it? Wouldn't put it past you! Peter told me that you did mushrooms during Hurricane Flozell!
Brian Clone #23: No. I am not Brian. I am an EVIL CLONE! (roaring laughter) Can't you tell by my eyes and teeth by now?
Quagmire tries to escape the evil Brian Clone's wrath, but fails. The evil Brian Clone has a pipe in one hand and he chases Quagmire until he tackles him and pins him to the floor.
Brian Clone #23: I am going to put an end to your perverted rein of terror once and for all!
Quagmire (angerly): NEVER! Nothing going to break my stride! You'll never bust my balls!
Brian Clone #23: You like to rape! Now you're going to know what it's like to be violated! (roars with evil laughter) Giggitty! Giggitty!
Still pinned to the floor, the evil Brian Clone shoves the pipe into Quagmire's rectum. Quagmire screams in pain. Then the evil Brian Clones roughs up Quagmire by beating him senseless.
Brian Clone #23: By the way, your he/she father/mother was a good (beep). I enjoyed (beep) her! I'd do it again if I could!
Quagmire (sobbing uncontrollably): Mercy Me!
Brian Clone #23: Another thing! Remember when you guys were talking about how Sega's popularity declined? It happened because Sega kept coming out with these new systems for their games and they were too expensive for anyone to afford! That is why people turned against Sonic and went back to Super Mario! It wasn't a massive rape like you thought it was! Seriously! Is that all you think about is rape?!
Feeling defeated, Quagmire sighs sadly as the evil Brian Clones leaves him for dead. Quagmire is not dying however, he is horribly injured.
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Chapter Five:
Back in Cleveland's House which was now fixed up by the Brian and Stewie clones, they were doing a song and congo dance. They were singing to the tune of Harry Belafonte's Day Yo.
Stewie and Brian Clones (singing): Day, Yo! Dayyyyyy, Yo! Cleveland's House is now evil clones home!
Brian Clone #23 (walks into the house): Got Quagmire! Consider him to be as the Mafia would say, 'cut off at the knees'.
Stewie Clone #56: You did a very good job. We've been watching the attacks on Skype.
A knock is heard and a Brian Clone answers it and it's Cleveland.
Cleveland: Give me my house back! Give me my house back! Give me my house back!
Brian Clone #231: NO NO NO!
Cleveland was grabbed by the torso and kicked into the air like a football by the Brian Clone. The Evil Brian and Stewie clones had Stewie's laptop to plan and watch the attacks.
Brian Clone #178: Why a laptop? Shouldn't we have a map of Quahog?
Stewie Clone #222: Too primitive! We need to be more techological with the times.
Stewie Clone #67: Who should we humiliate and terrorize now?
Brian Clone #90: Got an idea! (types in the laptop) How about we get those trendy, snobby, jocks and social butterflies at James Woods High!
Stewie Clone #81: Yes, we shall. Let's see how cool they think they are when we tear them to kingdom come!
Brian Clone #61: By the end of the day, WE will be the popular crowd everybody is going to love.
The Stewie and Brian Clones all run out of Cleveland's house and run together in a pack to go to James Woods High. When they were running, the sound of squishy jello can be heard.
Brian Clone #39 (looking at binoculours): We're almost there! Pick up the pace!
Stewie Clone #59: Let us get Meg, too! We'll get all of Quahog! So victory will be ours! (laughs diabolocially.)
At James Woods High, Meg was at her locker. Connie D'Amico and the popular kids come up to Meg to verbally harrass and bully her.
Connie (snobbishly): Hey, Meg. We finally found that lost dog that went missing in Pawtucket.
Meg: Oh, really! That's wonderful. Where did you find it?
Connie: We're looking at 'em right now! (laughs)
As Connie, the jocks, and her friends were laughing at Meg's expense, a crash is heard.
Jock #1: Dude, what was that?
The flock of Brian and Stewie clones broke into James Woods High through the walls and viciously and brutally attacked Connie and the popular kids. One Brian Clone pins down Connie.
Brian Clone #77 (to Connie): How dare you diss dogs!!!! (scratches and bites Connie's face to the bone)
Connie (screams in pain): PAINFUL!!! This is worse than menstral cramps! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! My face! It's all bloody!
Brian Clone #98 (beating up the jocks and popular kids): What has our kind ever done to you, anyway!
Meg watches helplessly as she sees the evil Brian and Stewie Clones torture, maim, strangle, scratch, bite, wrestle, and throw around Connie, the jocks and the popular kids.
Jock #1: Someone help us! Somebody has to!
Jock #2: Don't worry! They have to help us. We're the popular kids! Everybody loves us!
Meg (takes out her cellphone): Oh, no! The popular kids are being attacked by demons! What a bloody mess! I know! (dials her cellphone); I'll call 911, save their lives, and they'll like me so much, they'll have to let me into their clique! I just might get popularity ever all!
Stewie Clone #65: No, you won't! (tackles Meg and scratches her face)
Meg (screams): You're a demon! You won't get away with this! Why did you take the form of my brother Stewie?
Stewie Clone #65: I believe we already are...Besides we're clones! You know your baby brother likes to invent things.
Meg: What do you want with me?
Stewie Clone #65: Meg Griffin! You are the most hated girl in Quahog. An outcast in school, and the outcast of your family. No man will ever love you. No one will EVER be your friend. You being ugly is the problem. As a matter of fact, I actually feel sorry for you. If you know what's good for you, get out NOW! And don't ever help out the popular kids ever again! No matter what you do, they will never like you. They will perish under our rule! NOW GO!
Meg runs away scared as the Brian and Stewie clones continue to attack all the students and the teachers. The next day, the Brian and Stewie clones plan on who to attack next. The use the laptop to track down someone they can humiliate.
Brian Clone #99: So far our attacks have been a success.
Stewie Clone #100: Nobody has reoprted them yet.
Brian Clone #109: Yes, we but who should we get next do you suppose?
Stewie Clone #167 (gets a laptop): This person. (a picture of Herbert is shown on the laptop)
Brian Clone #234: We'll get old that decrepit asshole! Child obsessed scum bucket!
Stewie Clone #555: He only likes little boys though. Maybe we can seduce him.
Brian Clone #453: All the more reason to get him.
The laptop shows a picture of Herbert. Chris Griffin was over at Herbert's house having a play date with him. Chris was jumping rope as Herbert watched.
Chris (jumping rope); One potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four! Kardashians Are Attention Whores!
Herbert (clapping his hands): Bravo Chris! Bravo! That was beautiful! (wipes away a tear with his finger)
Chris (jumping rope): It's so good to be friends with you again, Herbert.
Herbert: It's good to be back, Chris it's good to be back.
Chris (jumping rope): It was my stupid sister's fault we broke up in the first place.
Herbert: Well, that's the thing about women, Chris. They destroy relationships with you have, and take away everything you own. Don't ever get involved with one. (whispers to the screen) And people wonder why I prefer little boys to women!
Chris (jumping rope): Did you get that movie I sent you for your birthday?
Herbert: Best movie I have ever seen in my life. I loved Diary Of A Wimpy Kid.
The Brian and Stewie clones come out of nowhere and jump themselves in front of Herbert and Chris.
Herbert: Who the hell are you little bastards?
Stewie Clone #222: Demonic clones!
Brian Clone #588: Isn't this precious! Looks like something out of Norman Rockwell.
Stewie Clone #433: If it isn't the prodigal son, and the likely canditate for Chris Hanson's The Catch A Predator!
Chris (panicked): Oh, my gosh! I think those things are going to kill us!
Herbert: Step aside, Chris. (gets his walker ready) I'm going to defend your honor!
Chris tries to get away, but more Brian and Stewie clones block his path.
Stewie Clone #234: You have no choice. You will both stay here and be destroyed...
Herbert tires to ward off the clones with his walker.
Chris: You can do it, Herbert! (looks at the clones): They look like Brian and Stewie.
Herbert: You can get me, but you won't Chris! I dealt with assholes like you back in WW2! Run for it, Chris!
Chris tries to escape again, but a Stewie Clone uses him as a trampoline. Some Brian clones punch and kick Chris as well. Then the Brian and Stewie clone surround Herbert by tackling him, they were biting and sucking on his skin.
Herbert: Ooooh.....Aaahhhhhh, is this good or is this bad?
Then the Brian and Stewie clones run away back to Cleveland's House. Chris was all beaten and bruised, he runs to see if Herbert is okay.
Chris: You okay, Mr. Herbert. Please don't be dead. Who am I going to run away to when I have trouble with my parents?
Herbert (gets up): I am not dead at all! That was actually kind of fun! It was a good day.
Chris: What exactly what they do to you?
Herbert: Rather just keep that to myself.
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Chapter Six:
At Cleveland's House, the Brian and Stewie clones all plan their next move via the laptop.
Stewie Clone #441: Dammit! When are we going to get Peter Griffin? We already attacked his kids. And those perverts he knows.
Brian Clone #332: We're saving Peter for last.
Stewie Clone #272: Isn't this great! We're destroying Quahog and getting away with it.
Brian Clone #621: The one person we should get is that Mayor Adam West guy.
The Brian and Stewie Clones were running to Adam West's house in a pack and the sound of squishy jello can be heard again. At the Mayor Mansion where Adam West lived, he was there along with Semus and Dr. Hartman. Adam West was feeling sad about a party he planned. He invited the whole town. Only Semus and Dr. Hartman showed up.
Hartman: Awww, don't feel too bad. (picks up beer can) Besides, who can say no to this beer?
Adam West (despondant): Expected more people to come to my divorce party. It hasn't been the same since Carol left me.
Semus: Well, that's your problem. Nobody is going to want to come to a divorce party. Should've made it a cheerful nautical theme!
Hartman; At least we showed up. Wouldn't miss it for the world! (picks up beer bottle) YUM!!!!
Adam West (despondant): I wouldn't blame the strippers one bit for not showing up.
Semus: Divorce is nothing people celebrate, lad.
Hartman: It is supposed to be depressing. Divorce that is...
Adam West: I wanted it to be a happy divorce party....
A knock is heard at Adam West's door.
Adam West: Yes! I knew it! More people are here! (goes to the door): Come on in....
The guests at the door were Brian and Stewie clones.
Adam West: Hey! You're not those party clowns I ordered!
The Brian and Stewie clones roared with anger as they attacked Semus, Hartman, and Adam West.
Brian Clone #343 (wrestling Dr. Hartman): We are just what the doctor ordered!
Semus was getting his wooden arms and legs eaten by the Brian and Stewie clones.
Brian and Stewie clones (eating Semus's wooden limbs): Delicious! Has a 'woodsy' flavor!
Stewie Clone #111 (throwing Adam West back and forth Bam Bam style): You're not a mayor. You're just a silly loser man child who thinks he's a mayor!
Adam West: I am too a Mayor! I went to Choate!
Brian Stewie clones (together): This party is over!
Then the evil Brian and Stewie clones tear down the party decorations, punch and kick Semus, Adam West, and Dr. Hartman some more. Then the Brian and Stewie clones go back to Cleveland's house. Semus cannot walk anymore.
Hartman; What in the world was THAT all about?
Semus: You think you have it bad? I need new sea legs!
Adam West: I will never have a divorce party again. Just wanted to be cool for my single guy friends.
Hartman: We should report those intruders. There seems to be something going on here. People getting attacked and all torn up and bloodied by those demon-like creatures... Seen it at the hospital a lot where people complain of that same story these past two days. Why isn't anyone doing anything?
Semus: Something doesn't add up, but what? You're the mayor, you can figure out this mystery.
Adam West: Maybe people are just too scared. (trembling in fear) Like I AM!!!!
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Chapter Seven:
At the Quahog Park, Carter Pewterschmidt and his wife Babs were taking a walk for a day of fresh air.
Carter: Why did you talk me into this, Babs? Taking me to the park where I can be working and fiddle around with my money!
Babs: You could use some fresh air. Need to get out of that company sometime.
Carter (whining): You don't understtaaand! I'm a workaholic! I love to work and be corrupt!
Babs: Oh. lighten up! There is more to life than work. You used to know that.
Carter: Well I grew up.
Babs and Carter sees a baby that looks like Stewie in a distance. Babs sees the baby as well. They were both totally unaware that the baby is a Stewie clone.
Babs: Sweet mother of God! Isn't that Stewie!
Carter: It is! Bet anything that cocksucker son in law of mine Peter Griffin must've left him behind.
Babs: Let's go get him.
Carter (gets his cellphone): In a minute. I'm calling Lois to tell her what Peter did.
Babs: We have no evidence Peter left Stewie alone.
Carter: Once I tell Lois, she'll be so mad at him she'll divorce his fat ass! Never forigve him, and Lois will come back to us.
Babs and Carter walk up to the Stewie clone. Carter picks him up.
Carter: Hey, there little grandson! It's me. You're Grandpa! (singing) Yay! Grandpa's here! Yay Grandpa's...
When Carter turned Stewie over, the evil Stewie clone bit Carter in the arm. Babs screams.
Babs: Oh, for goodness sakes! What has happened!
Carter (trying to shake off the Stewie Clone): Get it off me! Get it off me! (blood fles around) Please stop! You'll get my diabetes!
The Stewie Clone lets go of Carter.
Stewie Clone #195: You will no longer be the corrupt business! For I will take over your business old man!
Carter gets bitten by the Stewie Clone again. Meanwhile, Peter and Lois were driving through Quahog admist the chaos the Brian and Stewie clones were causing. As they were driving, the town of Quahog was in shambles, buildings were on fire, hydrants were squirting water into the air, manholes were opened, car accidents and everyone in town they see were getting attacked by the Brian and Stewie clones. Some Brian and Stewie clones were even damaging buildings with baseball bats.
Jerome (screaming): Get off my afro!
Mort (being bit on the rear): This is murder on my hemmeroids!
Angela (running around with a Brian clone on her head): I need a rabies shot!
Bruce (Brian and Stewie clones biting his legs): I hope I never get help. Loving this humpin' going on!
Lois: This town was peaceful just yesterday, now look at it. Everyone is being attacked by demons.
Peter: Demons? You know, I thought I heard Cleveland mention something about today.
Cleveland (pops out of the backseat of Peter's Car): Indeed you have!
Lois: BAH! Cleveland? You scared the bee-jesus out of me! What were you doing in the back seat?
Peter: THAT'S Cleveland? Thought it was Guy Smily from Sesame Street!
Lois: Did you really think that?
Peter: Yes I did. Really really did.
Cleveland: Been secretly following y'all when those demons took over my house.
Peter (drives fast back home): Don't worry, Cleveland! We're on the case! We'll get Joe to help us!
Cleveland: Want my house back so badly. Feel like I have been through Hurricane Sandy! Might as well go back to Stoolbend.
Lois, Cleveland, and Peter all go to the Griffin House to call Joe and tell him about the demon situation and devise a plan. Meanwhile back at Cleveland's House, the Brian and Stewie clones were having a swanky party.
Stewie Clone #543: Soon, everyone here will know this town belongs to us!
Brian Clone #221: We are so close, yet not quite there.
Stewie Clone #610: What do you say we celebrate!
Brian Clone #333: How about a movie? It's on me. We'll watch The John Candy classic Summer Rental.
Stewie Clone #299: NO! This town is too adament and intent on doing 80's Movie references. We shall not fall down to their level.
Brian Clone #414: Let's watch a funny comedy with black people in it! (takes out a DVD) Are We There Yet!
Stewie Clone #216: With Ice Cube! Spendid!
At the Channel Five News Building, Some Brian and Stewie clones have taken hostages. They capture Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney. They laugh as they are now bound and gagged in the closet.
Brian Clone #622: We take over the news, now!
Stewie Clone #332: If you are ever freed you can both come out of the 'closet' (laughs evilly).
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Chapter Eight:
At the Griffin House, Peter is watching a movie in spite of all the chaos surrounding the Brian and Stewie clones.
TV Announcer: We now return to Marlon Brando in a movie where he plays a racist overseer from the 1700s.
Peter: Holy freakin' sweet! If it's Marlon Brando it's gotta be good!
The TV shows Marlon Brando beat up a black guy.
Marlon Brando (on TV): Whites are better than blacks! Whites are better than blacks! Whites are better than blacks! You mother is whore......
Lois (walks into the living room): Peter, I just called Joe and Bonnie. They're coming over. (sees Peter watching TV) You're watching TV at a time like this?
Peter: Dammit I hate it when you nag me! Watching TV helps me cope with reality.
Lois: But there's something happening to our town! It's so typical of you that you don't even care!
Peter: They're always something (curls fingers) 'happening' in our town. You don't see me gassing on about it.
Lois: Listen Peter....
Peter: You're such a bitch in a crisis sitaution! (point at Lois's nose) Bitchy! Bitchy! Bitchy! heee heee! Liked my Professor Hinkle impression just now? But Crap! Hate your bitching! You haven't bitched to me this bad since I did that Ditech commercial.
Cutaway Scene shows Peter at a desk wearing a business suit and a file in the background.
Peter (sobbing): Lost another loan to Ditech! (sobbing until he shoots himself in a head leaving a bloody mess.)
Back to the living room, Peter and Lois are watching TV, just as Meg runs in through the door crying her eyes out. Meg's face is scratched from the Stewie clone that attacked her earlier.
Meg: (bawling uncontrollably)
Lois: Great! Just when things couldn't get any worse.......Now we have to deal with this. (points to Meg)
Peter: You're spot on! Meg's crying again, quick Lois! Get into your escape pods!
Lois: No, Peter! YOU deal with it!
Peter: Nuh Uh! You deal with it!
Lois: No you deal!
Peter: Nuh Uh! You deal!
Lois: You deal!
Peter: You deal!
Lois and Peter get in each other's faces.
Peter: YOU!
Lois: YOU!
Peter: YOU!
Lois: YOU!
Peter: Fine! You win! (looks at Meg's face scratch): Hey, Meg! Who gave you that scratch, Ted Nugent? He gave you, "Cat Scratch Fever"! Hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Lois: Make it fast, Meg. We have more important things going on.
Meg (sobbing): The popular kids got attacked in school today by some demons. I was attacked myself!
Lois: Turn on the news and let's see if anyone else got attacked.
Peter turns onto Channel 5, but instead of finding Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney, they see Brian and Stewie clones.
Brian Clone #478: Greetings! I am Brian Clone number 478!
Stewie Clone #383: And I am Stewie Clone number 383! Tonight on the news, we are taking over Quahog.
Brian Clone #478: We have brutally injured, killed, murdered, and brought great pain to your city and people. So soon, you will all grovel to our power.
Stewie Clone #383: Amoung all the destruction we did to your asinine city, we go to Ollie Williams for the weather....Ollie?
The screen shot shows some Brian and Stewie clones barbacuing Ollie Williams on a rotisseree.
Ollie: HELP ME!!! I'M BURNING UP HERE! I'M ON FIREEEE!!!!!
Brian Clone #478: Thanks Ollie! You're becoming even more black than you already are!
Stewie Clone #383: Now stay tuned for THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!!
Lois (turns off TV): That is it! This demon thing ends NOW! Where are Joe and Bonnie?
The knock is heard on the door, and Peter goes to answer it, and it is Joe and Bonnie who both have a suitcase full of weapons.
Peter: Joe! Thank God you're here. Heard about these 'demons'?
Joe: Yes, I have. In fact, I was the only cop who took an interest in it. And I was the only cop whom people reported it to. None of the other police on the force wanted anything to do with the demons. (sighs) Once again, everything is on me.
Bonnie: Joe and I thought this suitcase full of machine guns and uzis would be able to take them down.
Peter: Well, you don't worry, Joe! You have Peter Griffin on your side! I'll be like Rambo!
Cutaway Scene shows Peter as Rambo shooting up Carter Pewterschmidt's office.
Carter: Dammit Peter!
Peter: Can't get it out of my head! A dream for seven years.....
The cutaway is cut short when Lois butts in.
Lois: Enough with the cutaway!
Joe, Bonnie, Peter, and Lois step outside and open the suitcase. Each of them took a machine gun and uzi.
Peter: Awww, crap. Are these the only weapons we have?
Joe: Well yeah, It's going to combat the demons.
Peter: Don't you have one of those Nintendo Guns?
Lois: No, Peter. There aren't any 'Nintendo' Guns. Gosh you're such a lame ass.
Bonnie: Those aren't real, why would you want that for?
Peter: I was hoping to be like Captain N.
As Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie were getting ready to go to Cleveland's house to confront the demons, Quagmire staggers up to them with the pipe in his anus.
Lois: Oh, my gosh! Quagmire! What has happened to you?
Quagmire (dispairingly): You don't want to know.......
Bonnie: Looks like you were raped. Serves you right, hopefully this will be the end of your days as a pervert.
Quagmire: NO!!!! (stands up and points in the air) This expirience will make me an even better pervert! Giggity! Ahh, who I am kidding..... boo-hoo-hoo-hoo....(falls over in shame)
Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie all walk over to Cleveland's house.
Quagmire: You're going to help me get this pipe out of my ass? Right?
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Chapter Nine:
On the scene at Cleveland's House, the evil Brian and Stewie clones all come out to confront Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie.
Joe: OKay, here they come! Get ready to (roaring): LOCK AND LOAD!!!!!
Brian Clone #666: Peter Griffin! We were expecting you! We were going to save you for last.
Stewie Clone #666: You must have death wish by coming here thinking you can defeat us? What do you wish to say before you die?
Lois: Geez, I don't know about this. They all look like Brian and Stewie.
Peter: Holy crap, you're right. Cleveland mentioned something about that.
Lois: When we do this, does this mean we are killing our family members?
Joe: Well, demons can take the form of anyone.
Bonnie: Less talk, more action!
Lois: It's like I'm killing my dog and my poor sweet baby! (sniffles)
Joe: SHOOT 'EM UP!!!!!!
Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie were all shooting the Brian and Stewie clones with machine guns and uzis. The bullets didn't seem to faze the clones as they were charging at Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie. The Brian and Stewie clones were eating the bullets!
Lois (panics): Oh, no! It's like they're unstoppable!
Peter (panics): THEY'RE EATING THE BULLETS!!!
Bonnie: What do we do now?
Joe: Maybe an exorcist is the solution.
Stewie Clone #665: You will never get us!
Brian Clone #500: We have no weaknesses, you better hand your town over to us now!
Peter: NEVER! (feels a venomous rage going on inside him) You may take away bullets (growling and his eyes turn red) but you'll never take away our...... (yells victoriously) FREEDOM!!!!!!! (rips off his shirt)
Bonnie: Is Peter becoming a demon now?
Lois, Bonnie, and Joe watch as Peter grows rage filled and angerier by the minute.
Peter: These demons make me so mad, they make me wanna......(kicks the Brian Clone) Road House!
Lois sees Peter's Road House kicked chopped the Brian clone in half.
Joe: All right, Peter! Do that again!
Peter: Will do!
Joe, Bonnie, and Lois were watching Peter as he was running and kicking the Brian and Stewie clones randomly.
Peter (kicking a Stewie clone): Road House! (kicking a Brian clone) Road House! (kicking a Stewie clone): Road House! (kicking a Brian clone) Road House!
Lois, Bonnie, and Joe cheer Peter on.
Joe: YAY!! PETER!!!
Lois: Go Peter go! You're doing it! It's working!
Bonnie: Kick Peter kick! Kick like Joe could never kick before!
Joe (facepalms and whines): Will I ever be free of these cripple jokes?
Peter continues to kick the Brian and Stewie clones, and says, "Road House" while he kicks them. The Brian and Stewie clones were being maimed, ripped, chopped, and torn to pieces.
Joe: It's like he's posessed by the spirit of Patrick Swayze! Or Ralph Machicco. Can't really tell.
Soon afterwards, all the 666 evil Brian and Stewie clones have been demolished. Quahog is saved. But the damage to the city remains. Cleveland gets his house back.
Lois: It's over! We did it!
Bonnie: We won!
Joe: All right, Peter!
Cleveland (running gleefully): Yeah....have my house back! Don't need to follow Peter anymore.
Peter: Welp, that does it! Killed all the demons with the power of 80's movies. (looks at the screen in a tough looking stare) Road House!
Bonnie: Oh, Peter! You're a hero.
Lois: You saved us! (seductively) All these heroics of yours are making me horny!
Joe: What do you say we hit the Clam! In the meantime, I'll make those cops who didn't want to help us with the demons clean the rebuild the city.
Peter: Maybe later, Joe! (picks up Lois): Right now, I want to have some victory sex with my wife.
Lois: Ooooh, Peter! You're so romantic! Feel wetter than Melissa McCarthy eating a Taco Bell breakfast!
Peter: I promise, after I'm done, round of beers is on me! But first...(coos at Lois as he carries her to their bedroom)
Joe, Bonnie, Peter, and Lois cheer. Back in Stewie's bedroom, Brian and Stewie wake up from their comas and walk into the city looking at the destruction in their wake.
Brian: Did we miss something? What in the (beep) happened?
Stewie: My cloning liquid happened! That's what. We did miss something because they explosion you caused put us in temporary comas. We're okay now.
Brian: Do you mean....
Stewie: Yep. They were evil clones of you and me running around and attacking and destroying the city. We're better at destroying cities than Godzilla. Kind of goes to show one, you don't have to be Japanese or German to destroy a city! Don't ya think? (nudges Brian's shoulder) Huh? Huh?
Brian: This looks like something out of Mad Max the Road Warrior. That cloning liquid must've worked wonders for you. Stewie, does this mean you're closer to your goal of world domination?
Stewie: Told you victory will be mine! (hangs his head) Just wish we could've been able to see it.
Brian: Evil clones of us ruining the city..... (rubs his eyes)..can't fathom...
Stewie: Since we were cloned, in a way, we did expirience it.
Brian: Are we the only two people alive here?
Stewie: If we are, would you like to be my co-dictator? You can be like Joe Biden... Look at all this! I am so proud of myself.....
Brian assumes everyone in Quahog is dead as him and Stewie explore the obliterated Quahog. Peter and Lois go up into their bedroom to have sex.
Lois: Oh, Peter! I want you to ravage me!
Peter: Ask and yee shall receieve!
Lois: Nothing is going to ruin this moment for us now!
Peter: Very much doubt that, since I promised we'll all get drunk later.
At the Griffin's pool, Meg was using a pool skimmer to take out bugs, frogs, and goop. Then Meg scoops up a boa constrictor from the pool that looks like the one Peter saw before.
Meg (scerams in fear): AAAHHHH!!!!! A snake is in the pool!
Boa Constrictor #2 (talks like Bruce): Hey, you wouldn't have happened to seen my brother anywhere around today, didja?
Meg shakes her head, "no".
Boa Constrictor #2: All right. Say, you wouldn't happen to know where I can find some rabbits and mice?
THE END
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