Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy

Raising Stewie-Zona

by HazelWitch81 0 reviews

A childless redneck couple kidnaps Stewie in hopes to start a family. To get him back, Brian, Chris and Meg have to hit the road!

Category: Family Guy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2015-05-13 - 9902 words - Complete

Family Guy

Raising Stewie-Zona

by: Hailey Sands


Cold Opening:

The outside exterior of the Griffin house is shown for 5 seconds and then cuts to the scene where the Griffins are in the living room sitting on the couch. Meg comes downstairs. Brian is in the kitchen.

Meg: Don't wait up for me, guys!

Peter: Shut up, Meg!

Lois: Where in the world are you going, young lady?

Meg: Over to my friend Ruth's! We're going to have a binge watching party!

Peter: Wait! Woah! (waving his hands) Meg is going to a friend's house? (surprised and talks in a high pitched voice) What kind of alternate universe is this?

Meg: I do so go over to my friend's houses.

Peter: OKay, whatever! Don't let the door hit you on your fat ass! (giggles)

Chris: Geez, Dad. That is such an overused cliched joke. You ought to say, "Hey, Meg! Why don't you hitch a ride with a serial killer!"

Lois: Oh, shut up you two!

Meg: Very funny! Assholes! If you all must know, my friend and I are going to watch this cool new TV show we discovered. Brooklyn Nine Nine!

Lois: Oh, great! Here we go again! Every time Meg gets into a TV Show that takes place in New York, she always ends up falling in love with the lead male actor and ends stalking him like there's no tommorow.

Meg: Don't worry, Mom. My days of that are done! I swear! I have no intentions of stalking Andy Samberg....

Peter: I seem to recall when she did that. Before, she got into that show Blue Bloods and drove to New York and stalked Donnie Wahlberg.

Chris: And way way way long before that, Meg got into Law and Order SUV and stalked Christopher Meloni!

Stewie: Was so jealous when she did that.....That should've been _ME_ stalking him!

Brian (walking into the living room): Well, well, well, what do we have here? More and more of the status quo! No doubt in my mind! Throw some more gas on the fire 'cause we're in for another day of non stop cheap thrills and chills right here in the fun filled action packed Griffin household!

Everyone ignores Brian's rant as Peter delivers some news.

Peter: I got some wholly freakin' sweet news!

Chris: Tell us, Dad! (jumping up and down) You got us all excited!

Peter: Terry Crewes is going to be in the forth Expendables movie!

Brian (angerly): How in the hell would that surprise you, Peter?! Of course he'll be in the fourth Expendables movie! He was in the other three movies! (walks out of the house) I'm going to the Clam to get a drink!

Meg: Hey, I know Terry Crewes, he's on that new TV show I like. Brooklyn Nine Nine!

Peter, Chris, and Stewie all slap their hands on their laps and face palm themselves in unison as Lois walks up to Meg to chastise her.

Lois (shouting): Why don't you just marry Brooklyn Nine Nine if you (beep)ing love it so much!?


Opening Credits Scene:

The Opening Credits to Amazing Stories is spoofed.


Chapter One:

Somewhere in a trailer park that was located in rural Tuscon Arizona. There lived a redneck couple. The husband was a repeat offender ex-con who's been in and out of prison named Berbert Yancy, but he preferred to becalled B.Y. The wife is a prison with whom he fell in love with and got married. Her name is Winnie. B.Y. walks up to Winnie who was looking crestfallen as she was looking at a pregnancy test. Both talked in exagerrated Southern accents. B.Y was in walking into the living room was Winnie was. B.Y. and Winnie looked like the characters Nicholas Cage and Holy Hunted played in Raising Arizona.

B.Y. : Wooo! Doggies! That sure was some nasty ass sex we had last night.

Winnie (sighing sadly): I guess.

B.Y.: What's wrong, honey pop? Still not knocked up yet?

Winnie: No. (sobs) We tried so hard for three months now! Nothing!

B.Y.: You know, there are other ways around this....

Winnie: What if we never have a child of our own? (face down)

B.Y.: Look, I know the doctor says you're infertile, but stranger things have happened.

Winnie: We tried everything to get pregnant. So far, nothing! (sobs) I want a child so badly....

B.Y.: Hows about we adopt?

Winnie: With your criminal record, I don't know.... We don't even know where the nearest adoption agency is....We're miles away from the main city county line.

B.Y.: Gots an idea, chicken cakes.....what about we use that little computer thingy called the einternet? We can use this thing called Skrype or Googly Maps.

Winnie: Heard of that einternet thing, it can do anything. We need to have a baby now.

B.Y. gets a computer he stole from a Best Buy and goes to Google Maps and Skype.

Winnie: It's not like we can just steal a little baby....people here in dem these parts know us....

B.Y. (looking at computer): Or can we? Let's drive to another state and get one. Way way far away from Arizona. Whatya say, sugar pie?

Winnie: I don't know, it's a long way, you're talking kidnapping, and I do work for the police force.....

B.Y.: Yeee haaa! Look at that, Winnie! Found one!

Winnie: Where? How did you do it?

B.Y.: On this dang dum thing here called Googly Maps, and Skrype. This little town in Rhode Island called Kwaah-Hog!

Winnie: So you're saying we get a baby there?

B.Y.: Hell yeah! And look at the baby I found!

Winnie looks at the computer as it shows a picture of Stewie Griffin on Skype.

B.Y.: We needs to go that this here yella house on Spooner Street and get this little bundl-a joy!

Winnie: Oooooh! He's so sweet and precious! Let's do it! I'm in! Just know we'll be awesome parents to him! Wooooo! Yeahhhhhh!

B.Y.: It's not like anyone is gonna see us or know what we did!

Winnie: Parent hood here we come!

B.Y, and Winnie shoot off guns as they both jump into their jalopy looking pinto and drive cross country to Quahog Rhode Island.


Chapter Two:

Meanwhile, back in Quahog. Soon afterwards, Peter has almost the whole town on his front lawn. Mort, Joe, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mayor Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Tom Tucker, and Lois were all gathered to hear Peter's latest plan.

Joe: So, Peter, what crazy misadventures do you have planned for us today?

Cleveland: Can't wait to see it. Gosh I missed doing stuff like this with y'all back in Stoolbend.

Quagmire: We going to do something pornographic? (jumps up and down excited)

Lois: Please tell us! The suspense is killing me!

Peter: Gentlemen, we are going to do a pornographic version of the Hunger Games.

Cleveland: So wanna be a part of this! Hate those books. Junior and Roberta would not shut the (beep) up about it.

Peter: We are going to call it, "The Porno Games".

Mort (nervously): I don't have to be Katniss, do I? I am no good with a bow and arrow.

Lois: No I will. You can be Peeta!

Peter (confused): Did someone call me?

Joe: Here's something fun we can do. Instead of saying 'Volunteer as Tribute, we'll say Volunteer as 'pervert'.

Quagmire: Volunteer as 'pervert'? That's speaking my language! OH!

Brian comes home and walks into the front lawn.

Peter: Hey, Brian! Would you like to be part of our Hunger Games spoof?

Brian: Screw off! (beep) bag! Like I want to be.

Quagmire: Hell, no! Not that boring ass.. (walks up to Peter)...You're not serious about this are you Peter? You're not going to let Hypocritical-Berry Hound ruin our Hunger Games spoof? Are you. (glares angerly at Brian) Have some 'moral' message about how porno is wrong, or abstinence or something? (points his finger at he left) Just get outta here, Brian! Just leave!

Peter pulls Brian by the collar and says, "change of plans" over 50 times. As Peter was dragging Brian away.

Brian: Uh, you choked me.

Peter: You know the rules, Brian.

Brian: I want nothing to do with your shit, anymore!

Peter: Now the Cleveland is back with us, you can never be part of my endevours with the guys because Quagmire hates you.

Brian gets a 2 by 4 long stick and beats up Quagmire until he is bloodied and bruised.

Lois (surprised): Brian! What has gotten into you?

Brian: I am digusted with life, Lois! My life to be exact! All of you are the cause of it! Should've known something going on here was going to be stupid. Pornographic version of the Hunger Games my ass! Just as digusted as I was last week when I watched that ALF episode where the Tanners finally let him eat a cat.

A cutaway scene shows Brian on the living room couch watching ALF. The Scene shows Willie, Kate, and ALF at the kitchen table. ALF was eating something that looked like an orange turkey with black stripes on it.

Willie (on TV): Well, ALF! After all the years you have been on Earth, you finally eat a cat.

ALF (on TV): Thank you so much for this, Willie and Kate! You have no idea how much this means to me.

Kate (on TV): Don't mind me asking, but what kind of cat is that you're eating?

Willie (on TV): It's a stray one, right? Remember, we agreed on a stray one.

ALF (on TV): It's not just any cat I am eating.....

Kate (on TV): What kind of cat is it?

ALF (on TV): I'm eating Garfield!

Brian watches and gasps in horror as he throws up after what he just witnessed on the ALF episode.

Back to the Griffin's front yard, Brain lays into Quagmire by lambasting him.

Brian (to Quagmire): The only reason why you don't want me to hang around with you and guys is because you're still grieving over the loss of your beloved Cleveland..

Cleveland: I'm right here! Dammit, why doesn't anyone want to acknowledge I came back to Quahog? (sighs despondantly) Nobody cares if a black guy moves back to town....

Brian: Who cares, Cleveland! Forgot for a split second there! I'll tell you all what has gotten into me! The same crap over and over again that always happens in this town and neighborhood.....(back to Quagmire) As for you, asswipe! Who are you to judge me for being who I am? And who are you to criticize me about dating bimbos? You'd (beep) any woman that walks by you. Smart or dumb! Plus, one who was underage as I recall that you were going to go to prison for! You scolded me for lusting after Lois and you have a (beep)ing shrine of her in your closet! Real question is, who's the real sicko pervert around here? At least I have never done anything against the law! You deserve to ROT in prison, Quagmire!

Quagmire moans in pain as Brian kicks him up some more.

Brian: Furthermore, you think I'm a bad person just because I don't see my son Dylan everyday? Well, what about you? Gave your daughter Anna Lee up for adoption so you can still keep up with your perverted lifestyle!

Lois: Stop that, now!

Peter: Brian, what do we do that's the same thing all the time?

Lois: I'm not following you, Brian. You lost me. Explain yourself.

Brian: Peter always hatches up some scheme or contraption that embolishes the whole neighborhood, Quagmire hates me for no good reason, Lois sits by and does nothing, we all rip on Meg, and we never pay any attention to Chris or Stewie. I never get to hang around Peter and the guys. I always get stuck being with Stewie. And every time we reference a movie, it's always the same 1980's movies over and over again. Star Wars. Indiana Jones. Back To The Future. The Goonies. The Griswalds! Sure they're all great movies, but stop referencing them all the time! (walks back into the house) There's more to 1980's movies than those five! Why can't we reference that Dragnet movie from 1987, Big Trouble in Little China. Why can't we reference Down and Out In Beverly Hills? Or what about I'm Gonna Git Ya Sucka or Hollywood Shuffle for a change? Why are those movies underrated do you ask? (loses his temper and screams) Because there's BLACK PEOPLE IN THEM!!!!

Lois: You need to take a breather, Brian. Get away from us with that attitude of yours. Why don't you go upstairs and play with Stewie? You two are so cute when you play together!

Brian: No I won't! I'm going to go and do something different! Which is what I am lacking in my life! We never do anything different around here! It's always the same thing day in and day out! I want a change! (frustrated screaming)

Joe wheels himself up to the now badly beaten Quagmire. He was bloody in the face and badly bruised.

Peter: Quagmire is badly hurt.

Lois: Maybe we shouldn't do this game...

Joe: I can have Brian arrested if you want....

Quagmire: No, that's okay. Just take me to a hospital. Do your Porno Games without me.

Joe, Peter, and Lois go to call an ambulance which eventually takes Quagmire away.


Chapter Three:

In the Griffin house, Chris and Meg were looking out the window. Brian angerly mutters under his breath as he walks into the house. Chris and Meg ran back on the couch terrified Brian will lay into them next.

Chris (scared): Geez, Brian sure is in a horrible mood! Kind of like you when you PMS.

Meg (scared): Think he'll get after us next? Maybe he's upset that we were watching him......

Brian (angerly muttering).

Chris (stammers): He-e-e-e-y-y-y-y- Br-Br-Br-ian! Are we the cause of any of your problems, too?

Meg: You're not mad at us too, are you?

Brian (looks at Chris and Meg): As a matter of fact. I am not. You two are the only things that keep me sane. Sad thing is, you both never get any air time. Especially you, Meg. You both are the cure to my disease.

Meg: That's was beautiful, Brian. Very poetic.

Chris: Here that, Meg! Brian likes me better! I'm the cure, and YOU'RE the disease! (laughs hysterically)

Meg and Chris watch as Brian goes into Stewie's room as he hears him playing with his Kermit and Miss Piggy dolls.

Stewie (to his Miss Piggy doll): Marlena! You are my Queen of The Night!

Brian's anger with life consumes him even more as he is disgusted with what he sees as Stewie sees him he Brian walks in.

Stewie: Hey, Brian. Would you like to play Days of Our Lives with me? I of course am Stefano, Kermit the Frog is John Black, and Mr.Piggy is Marlena. Oh! Why don't you invite Jillian over here and you both can be Bo and Hope! (laughs) You can call her 'Fancy Face'! (laughs) Then after that, I thought maybe we can watch Employee of The Month. Dane Cook was a big thing not too long ago. Then after that, Hot Tub Time Machine!

Brian (shoves Stewie into the ground): Get the hell away from me!

Stewie: Hey, hey, man! What's your problem? (gets up)

Brian (madly growls): You pompous little antichrist! You would-be homosexual!

Stewie (shocked): Never seen you this way before! You're scaring me! Tell your ol' pal Stewie about it! I'll be like Lucy when she counsels Linus!

Brian: Not only am I fed up with life and all the sameness. It's also you, Stewie! You are the root cause of the problem! I'm always hanging around with you and nobody else! Everytime we go on an adventure, it's always some sci-fi plot that's over everyone's heads and we always end up spoofing an 1980's movie! How the hell do you even know about those movies, Stewie? You weren't even alive back then! I wasn't even alive back then!

Stewie: I have a time machine. I heard Lois and the Fatman talk about it, and then I look it up on the internet....

Brian: You're all about world domination and hating this family, and anytime we have an adventure together in a different, country, time period, planet....or always end up saving the world! You say you hate this family, and yet you always save them from certain death! What kind of an evil person does THAT?!?!!? Are you evil or are you good?

Stewie: Don't feel like I am ready for world domination yet. When Peter and Lois went on that cruise I went into that simulator to see what would happen, that why I gave up on it for now. To answer your other question, I only save my family so I can have some time in the spotlight! I use them!

Brian: One of the things I hate about you Stewie, is that you claim to be an intellectual, and yet you act like a punky hipster, and a college frat boy and you have lowbrow vulgar tastes! You sure proved that with that Dingo and the Baby radio show we had! (shakes his fist in Stewie's face)

Stewie (backing away and sweating): There is nothing wrong with having eclictic tastes. My interests are both lowbrow and highbrow....

Brian: If you were an intellectual as much as you say you are, you'd be watching TV Shows like Dowtown Abby, not MTV's Ridiculousness. And if you were an intellectual as much as you say you are, you'd be watching movies like The King's Speech, not Zach and Miri Make a Porno! I would respect you a hell of lot more if you were more Rosanno Brazzi, and less Zach Gilafiankis! What is it with you and this vulgar lowbrow frat boy style humor Stewie? (growling in anger) WHAT WHAT (screams in Stewie's face) WHAT?

Trembling in horror, Stewie steps away from Brian wrath as his voice breaks and he simpers.

Stewie (simpering in fear): I'm trying to be cool so teenagers would like me!

Brian: That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard.

Stewie: But, Brain! You're the only one in the family that fits my intellegence. I'm your old pal Stewie! Does this mean our friendship is over? We have a bro-mance!

Brian: You're right Stewie! Our bro-mance is OVER! (yelling in Stewie's face) I am DONE with you! So, no more "Road To" Adventures! Bob Hope and Bing Crosby are probably spinning in their graves for that!

Stewie: Who else am I going to go on adventures with that's like a sci-fi plot that spoofs a 1980's movie with?

Brian: Why don't have go live with Herbert? He'd love to have you for company! (walks out of Stewie's bedroom) Or better yet, Peter rehired that Mexican maid Conusela! Give her a try!

Stewie: WWWAAAHHHHH!!! BRIAN DOESN'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND ANYMORE! (sniffling) So, Conusela. Would you like to go on an adventure with your old pal Stewie that's like a sci-fi adventure that spoofs a 1980's movie?

Conusela: No no no no no, I clean.

Stewie: Come on! I have a time machine that takes you to the future!

Conusela: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Walking away into the corner of his bedroom, Stewie continues to cry even more.


Chapter Four:

B.Y. and Winnie were driving to Quahog. It shows a map of the car going cross the country as a jaunty country song played. They finally arrived at the Griffin's house on Spooner Street. B.Y. was about to get out of the car.

Winnie: Can't believe we're doing this. You just got out of prison for the fifth time and we're going to commit a kidnapping of a baby.

B.Y.: I promise you, sugar plump, after this, my criming days are over!

Winnie: They better be. Now that we'll have a baby, you need to change!

B.Y.: And I will. (kisses Winnie) Love ya!

Peter, Lois, Joe, Mort, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, and Bonnie were on the front lawn playing The Porno Games. Nobody noticed B.Y. and Winnie's car parked up front as they observe the whole neighborhood on Peter's lawn.

Lois (shoots a bow and arrow): Look at that! I just shot a picture of Ron Jeremy!

Peter: Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee! (runs around) I have to have sex against my will now!

Joe: I volunteer as pervert!

Mort: Don't point those things at me......

Adam West: Not only am I a mayor for real, I'm one in this game!

Hartman: Take some wee wee out of your pee.....

B.Y. (sees the Griffins and their friends playing around): What a (beep)ed family this baby is from!

Winnie: No kidding there, Tex! We'll be doing the little guy a favor! Now go get that baby, and don't let anybody see you!

B.Y. walks out of the car and goes to the side of the Griffin house where Stewie is. B.Y. starts to climb the piping. Stewie is still in his bedroom and is sad about Brian not wanting to hang around with him anymore. Stewie was hugging his teddy bear, Rupert.

Stewie (sobbing): It's all over Rupert! It's all over! (sobs and hugs Rupert) At least I still have you. You like me for who I am, Rupert. You don't care what kind of tastes I have. Maybe you and I can have some time travel adventures together. (sniffles) Can't believe my adventures with Brian are KPUTsville! All that hard work I done, and fun Brian and I used to have is all gone. Nothing but memories in the dust! (sobs) I'll never get over this! (cries) I can still hear Brian screaming in my head! (sniffles) He thinks I've become vulgar and lowbrow. . . OH!!!! WAHHHHH!!!! WAHHHHH!!!!! WAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

B.Y. makes it into Stewie's bedroom. He jumps into the window to grab him.

Stewie (shocked): What the duece? (sees B.Y.) Who the devil are you?

B.Y.: Hey there, little baby! I'm ya new daddy!

Stewie: No you're not! Get the (beep) out of here!

B.Y.: You're going back to Arizona with us! Come along now!

Stewie: You look like something out of Deliverance! Who are you to undermine me? I refuse to go with you!

B.Y chases Stewie around his bedroom for a little bit until he finally catches him.

Stewie: Unhand me, vile redneck!

Brian: What's going on?

In the living room, Brian hears the commotion. He runs upstairs to Stewie's bedroom only to see him get taken away by B.Y. Stewie screams in protest.

Brian: Oh, no! I'll go get him! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!

B.Y. makes it back to the car with Winnie and Stewie in tow. They put Stewie in the backseat. Brian does his best when he chases after B.Y.

Stewie: So, you're from Arizona, huh? Don't you know what guards and inmates in those Arizona prisons do to people who kidnap children? One word for you: SODOMY!

Brian gets a bicycle as he sees B.Y. and Winnie drive off with Stewie. Brian follows their car as he was riding the bicycle, but doesn't really succeed.


Brian: STEWIE!!!!!

Stewie: Brian!!!!! HELP!!!!!

Brian: STEWIE!!!! I'm-a comin' beanie boy!!!! Hmmm, always wanted to say that...

Stewie: Brian! SAVE ME!!!!!!

Brian: STEWIE!!!!!!

Stewie: BRIAN!!!!! Save me from these rednecks!!!!

Brian: STEWIE!!!!!!

Stewie: BRIAN!!!!!

B.Y. and Winnie drove off in fast speeds into the sunset with Stewie. Brian gets off the bicycle and cries hysterically. A license plate from B.Y.'s car falls off and hits Brian in the face. Brian takes the license plate and sees it's from Arizona. Brian kneels in the middle of the street throws out his arms into the air, and cries out loud.

Brian (sobs and calls out): Stewie! Stewie! (falls over and sobs) Oh, Stewie! (sob)! I lost you. I wish I never yelled at him. Was ranting and complaining about being fed up with the same things, and with my own problems and life, that I took it out on him. (sobs) Now look what happened...... (sobs)

Looking up into the sky, Brian screams in anguish.

Brian: NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! (lays on the road and cries)

Meanwhile in B.Y.'s car.

Winnie: Can't believe we got away with this unnoticed!

B.Y.: All that matters now is that we got a son of our own!

Winnie begins to cry tears of joy.

B.Y.: Why are you crying?

Winnie: I.... am just so happy we got a baby now.

B.Y.: No reason to cry if you're happy....

Winnie (cries): I just love him so much........

At the Griffin house, Chris and Meg look out the window at Brian as they see him run back into the house and cry. Peter, Lois, Joe, and all their friends did not notice that Stewie was abducted or Brian chasing after the car.

Meg: Wonder what happened with Brian?

Chris: I know. He hasn't cried this bad when Dad hurt himself trying to help Mom pay a bill.

Cutaway Scene:

Peter is on the couch and Lois confronts him.

Lois (holds an envelope): Peter. I need to pay the electric bill. I told you to give me half of your paycheck.

Peter: I was supposed to do that? Oops! I forgot!

Lois: How else am I going to pay this bill if you won't help me. We could lose our electricity....

Peter: I know a way. Come with me.

Lois: Where are you taking me, Western Union, I hope?

Peter: Even better!

Lois was being lead by Peter to the front yard. There were two glowing floating blocks in the air with question marks on them. The Super Mario Bros. theme played.

Peter: Floating Blocks, Lois! From the Mushroom Kingdom!

Lois: How the hell is this supposed to...

Peter: Observe!

Lois watches as Peter jumps into the air and hits the floating blocks repeatedly with coins coming out of them. Peter badly injures himself as his hands were all bloody.

Peter: (screams in pain and is out of breath) Here's the money for your bill. huff puff (hands Lois the coins) I know what will help me!

Lois scoffs at Peter's ignorance as he jumped into the air again and hit the other floating block. A mushroom comes out and makes Peter grow 8 feet tall. Lois screams in fear. Peter's hands were cured.

Peter: I'm SUPER PETER! hee hee hee hee! (picks up Lois) Let's go upstairs and knock some boots, eh? And you will see what other part of me is 'super'!


Chapter Five:

Brian runs into the living room and gives Meg and Chris some bad news. Brian is out of breath and sniffles.

Chris: Brian! Tell us!

Meg: What just happened?

Brian: All right. Hear me out. (catches his breath) Stewie just got kidnapped by rednecks from Arizona. They got away as I was trying to chase them.

Meg: Oh, no! That's terrible.

Chris: My poor little brother! (yells out) How can anyone do that to my poor little brother! (falls to the floor)

Brian: I know. (holds licence plate) This is the evidence where the kidnappers were from.

Meg: It just fell off? That could be a clue!

Brian: Exactly.

Chris: Should we involve Mom and Dad?

Brian: NO! They were too busy playing their silly little game to even notice.

Meg: We should tell Mom and Dad, it's common sense...

Brian: We are NOT involving them!

Chris: Why not? We have to.

Brian: They don't even know you three exist half the time. Esepcially you, Meg.

Meg: So, we work this out amoungst ourselves?

Brian: Exactly. We'll leave this to the professionals.

Chris: Who are the professionals? I know! We can tell Joe! He's the police! Or better yet, let's tell Quagmire! He can fly us there!

Brian (points to Chris): Nobody is telling anyone in this neighborhood! No Peter, No Lois, No Cops! No Quagmire! That is final!

Meg: All right. What are we going to do, Brian?

Brian gets out a laptop and types as Chris and Meg watch him. The laptop had a map of the United States on it.

Chris: Are we playing World of Warcraft?

Meg: That's a map of the United States, dumbass!

Brian: Luckily, I had Stewie chipped.

Meg, Chris and Brian look at the dot on the map on the laptop, and it lead to Tuscon Arizona.

Brian: Jackpot! Stewie is in Tuscon!

Meg: Wow! That was very smart!

Chris: We going to Tuscon to get him back? Can I bring my lucky blanket?

Brian: Yes! We are getting him back ourselves! Come on!

Chris, Meg, and Brian go outside and walk to Brian's car.


Chapter Six:

Peter, Lois,Joe, Mort, Hartman, and Adam West were still playing the Porno Games and causing a noise commotion. As Brian was leading Chris and Meg into his car. Peter sees Meg looking at him.

Peter (whines): Lois! Make that ugly bitch stop looking at me!

Meg (sees Peter running around and is disgusted): Maybe it's better we do do this ourselves.

Chris: Doo Doo? (giggles) Meg just did a 'poop' joke! You have a dirty sicko mind, sis! (laughs)

Brian: Before we go, a few rules here. No talk of any of the 80's movies that Peter, Lois and his friends keep referencing. No talk of Star Wars, no talk of Indiana Jones, No Back To The Future, No Goonies or Griswolds either! Got it!

Chris: Yes sir! (saluting and clicked his heels)

Brian: No ripping on Meg, either. Know it's fun, but now is not the time.

Chris: Awwwwww......(hangs in head)

Meg: That's a relief. Can we talk about the actors in those movies?

Brian: That's cool. (points at Meg) Talk about the people who've starred in them. No talking about the movies themselves! I want to hear NO MORE about those movies! On this trip, we are going to reference OTHER 80's movies! Okay? We clear?

Meg: Fine with me. I get sick of that crap myself!

Brian, Chris, and Meg all get into Brian's car. Meg and Chris were in the backseat as Brian drove off to Arizona. Meanwhile, at the trailer park in Tuscon. B.Y, and Winnie were getting Stewie settled into their home. Stewie was put into a tinny looking play pen.

Winnie: Here we go little baby! Home Sweet Home!

Stewie: Motley Crew lyrics. That's very redneckish!

B.Y.: We're going to be loving parents with you, squirt!

Stewie: Squirt! That's a degrading nickname!

B.Y. (to Stewie): He's gonna make a good football player someday. Or maybe we can work with me in the junkyard. (gets can of skoal)

Stewie (scared): That's my worst nightmare ever. Gosh these redneck captors are dicks!

B.Y. (chews skoal): And to think you didn't have to give birth! Kidnapping was MUCH easier! Glad we did this! (spits skoal into a spittoon)

The spittoon makes a 'clang' sound. The playpen Stewie was in was next to it.

Stewie: Eeeewww! Yiiiikkkkk! Son of a bitch! Watch where you were spitting that!

B.Y.: Don't worry, this won't put in an end to our sex days! We're having it tonight to celebrate our new edition to our house! Weeee haaaaa! (shoots gun into the air)

Stewie plugs his ears and screams "blast"!

Winnie: Isn't this wonderful, B.Y.? We finally have everything we ever wanted!

B.Y. (excited) : I know! We got ourselves a family here!

Stewie: Great! My new so-called parents are dumbasses who have low IQs. I feel like Dakota Fanning in I Am Sam.

Cutaway Scene:

It shows Sean Penn as Sam Dawson and Dakota Fanning as Lucy. Sam was reading Green Eggs and Ham to Lucy. They were sitting on a couch.

Sam (reading from a book): I would not could not Sam I am (4x)

Lucy: That's not all what that book says, Daddy.

Sam (screaming): I am trying my (beep)ing best here!

Back in New England, Meg, Chris, and Brian were now in Connecticut. Brian drives into a gas station.

Chris: Are we in Arizona already? That was quick! Is Stewie being held in that gas station?

Meg: We're in Connecticut, fatass!

Brian: We're stopping here for gas and supplies. Hopefully I won't run into some Carlos Mencia-type store clerk in here. (walks out of the car)

Chris and Meg watch as they see Brian go into the gas station. Once inside, Brian gets some supplies for the trip, and sees a karaoke machine.

Brian (blows raspberry): How pathetic is this? Who the in hell is going to want to buy this karaoke machine? Only plays four songs. Great Balls of Fire, All Star, Tootie Fruity, and Hang on Sloopy! What kind of idiot buys this shit?

Jillian walks up to Brian with the karaoke machine in her hand. They bump into each other unwittingly. They fall and then get up.

Brian: Jillian! Didn't expect to see you here!

Jillian: Hey, Brian! Look at this cool new singing box I got!

Brian: Ehh, that's nice Jillian! I gotta go pump some gas.

Jillian: I'll go with you.

Brian goes to his car and pumps some gas into the tank. Brian and Jillian were talking.

Jillian: So, what are you up to, Oogie?

Brian: We're going to Arizona.

Jillian: Arizona? Wow. Kick ass! Hope you can make it across that huge blue blob.

Brian: You mean the ocean? Do you even know where Arizona is?

Jillian: Duh, of course! It's in Africa near Johenesseburg!

Brian: No, it's actually across the country. Just drive on Route 66.

Jillian: Why are you going so far?

Brian: Stewie got kidnapped by some rednecks from there!

Jillian (screams in fear): REDNECKS! WHERE!? (looks around awkwardly)

Brian: No Jillian. The rednecks aren't actually here. They're in Arizona.

Jillian: All right. Just protect your neck.

Brian: What are you talking about? (crosses his arms) Don't tell me you don't know what a redneck is?

Jillian (giggling): 'Course, silly. They're those monsters that make your neck red. Careful, they can bite.

Brian: Think the thing you were speaking of was mosquitos. Yeah, sure. Whatever! You were always right about everything.

Jillian: Thanks for that! I know I am! Bye, good luck.

Brian sees Jillian walk away as he is done pumping gas into his car. Brian gets into the drivers seat of his car as he, Chris and Meg all set out on their adventure to save Stewie. Brian drives away from the gas station and heads to Arizona.

Meg: Glad she's not joining us.

Chris: And you all want to think I'm stupid....


Chapter Seven

Song Rogue Wave's Lake Michigan plays

Brian, Chris, and Meg were in back roads of Nebraska. They were driving cross country in Brian's car and followed Route 66.

Chris: Can we talk about Beverly Hills Cop? That was always a favorite of mine!

Brian: Absolutely. Surprised we never referenced that movie before....

Meg: My favorite 80's movie is War of The Roses.

Brian: Hmm, that's another one.

As he was driving, little by little, Brian was starting to feel better emotionally. And a little torn up as well from when we lashed out at Stewie.

Brian: Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it! Since that meltdown I had earlier about how we always do the same crap again and again, I am starting to feel better....

Chris: How can you feel better, Brian? Stewie's life is at stake....

Brian: Well, heh. I still feel terrible for Stewie, obviously.... Yes, very sad what happened to him. (thinking) Good thing they don't know how I lashed out at him.

Meg: What changed with you, Brian?

Brian: Remember when I said I wanted a change in my life? Doing this mission to save Stewie...Think this is exactly the change I was looking for.....

Chris: YAY! (clapping his hands) Hear that Meg!? Brian found a CHANGE! (laughing)

Meg: Did you want to go on a soul searching journey or something? Is that what you were looking for?

Brian: No, not that. But, hey! Gotta admit. (chuckles) It sure is good to go on an adventure with you two for a change, instead of always with Stewie.

Chris: Where exactly is it you and Stewie go to all the time?

Meg: It's like you're both gone for a long time. We never really see you guys.

Brian: Believe it or not, Stewie and I always go on time travel adventures. And sometimes we go to different countries, planets.... But let's not talk about that right now. Let's focus on our mission here.

Chris: Once we encounter those cracker hicks, I say we declare war on them! Fargin War!

Cutaway Scene:

Outside of an Italian Club in New York City, it shows Brian and Chris dressed up like Italian Gangsters. A falling bomb sound is heard in the background. Brian was wearing a gray suit, Chris was wearing a black suit. Both had on fedoras.

Brian (in an Italian accent): Knock down that wall, knock down that wall, and knock down THAT fargin wall!

A bomb lands on Chris and Brian, their suits were still intact. There was rubble all around.

Chris (in an Italian accent): THIS IS FARGIN WAR!!!!

A newspaper appears with a headline that reads:


Back to Nebraska, Brian continues to drive to Arizona.

Brian: Hey, that was an awsome cutaway Chris! That was from Johnny Dangerously! One more 80's movie we never talked about! You get extra credit for that!

Chris: All right, Brian! Extra credit! Something I never get in school.

Meg: Just hope Stewie's okay. Really hoping he's not badly hurt or lonely, anything like that. Or worse!

Brian: I'm sure he is. Likely he was kidnapped by someone who wanted kids and couldn't procreate on account of they were barren. People who kidnap babies like that would never abuse them. They only want to be like a parent to them because they long to have a kid of their own. We can only image what horrors the poor kid must be going through.....

Chris: Wasn't there a short-lived sitcom on FOX that tooken place in Tuscon.

Brian: Unfortunately, yes. Luckily that 'shitcom' was cancelled. (laughs) Starting to get my sense of humor back!

Meg: I believe you meant to say, 'take place'. Not 'tooken'.

Chris (hurtfully): Why must you always correct me?


Chapter Eight

In Tuscon, B.Y. and Winnie drove up to a convience store to get Stewie some diapers.

Stewie: Sure hope Brian will come to my rescue. Being with these inbred hicks is torture! Gitmo style! Ohhhh. Who am I kidding. Brian hates me now. He's probably glad I had abducted. He is probably not coming.....

Winnie: Aww, little guy is fussy. He needs some diapers.

B.Y. (getting out of his car): I'll go out an get 'em!

Winnie: Whatever you do, don't rob the place. We can't afford for you to go back to prison again. They'll take the baby away from us.

Stewie: Being a ward of the state is the last thing I need!

B.Y.: Like I have said before, my crimin' days are in the past. (puts on a black ski mask)

Winnie watches as B.Y. goes into a convience store. B.Y. goes to the diapers and takes out a gun and aims it at the clerk.

B.Y.: Freeze!

Clerk: How much do you want??!?!?

B.Y.: Give me everything in your register!

Clerk: There isn't much in it, dude!

B.Y.: Give it!!!!

Clerk (nervously): Ooooo.....kkkaaaaayyyyy.

B.Y.: And sell me these diapers for half price! And don't (beep) with me!

The clerk sounds the alarm just as soon as he gave B.Y. diapers and money. The people who worked in the store were chasing B.Y. out of the store and into the street. B.Y. was running down the street with the diapers in his arm.

Store Manager: STOP THIEF!! STOP THIEF!!! We're being robbed! HELP!!!

Winnie: Aww, dammit! He's at it again! Son a bitch! Will he EVER learn!

Stewie: I got kidnapped by redneck bank robbers? (cries) Guess I am destined to be stuck with these trailer trash forever. I want to go back to Quahog and have time travel adventures with Brian again. After seeing these loser rednecks, I don't think I ever want to be vulgar and lowbrow again.

Winnie: Don't worry little one! I'll put a stop to this!

As B.Y. was getting chased around Tuscon, Winnie was driving to catch up to him. Everyone in town was chasing B.Y. Police, store clerks, and manager, and even some rabid dogs. The chase goes on until Winnie picks him up in her car and drives away. People were shooting at them. They were able to get away. Stewie was screaming when the guns went off.

Winnie: Don't worry, cops! I'll take it from here.....

Stewie: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!!! Kill them, don't kill me, too! Had nothing to do with this crap! Might as well be in Baltimore watching cops arrest and shoot disguntled black people!

Winnie: Christ Almighty, B.Y.! Thought you said you were done with crime!

B.Y.: Couldn't resist! Wanted these diapers at half price!

Winnie: You're going get an earful from me when we get home! Didn't you even think once about our baby?

B.Y.: Was thinkin' about the baby! That's why I robbed so I can get the money...

Winnie: Y'know. You need to get a real job and not just keep commiting one crime after another.

B.Y.: My junkyard job is a job.

Winnie: Not quite good enough. Promised me you were going to change! You are a father now. You have to set an example! (picks up Stewie) You okay, little guy?

Stewie: Had enough of this redneck lifestyle! Bank robberies, shootings, rabid dogs, what next? Please come save me, Brian! Who am I kidding. I'll never see Brian again. Why do I have to be here? When I can be in Quahog, hazing my family. One upping Brian, plotting world domination, and making fun contraptions and inventions. Then work myself up to a Kim Jung Un-like lifestyle.


Chapter Nine:

Within time, Brian has finally made it to Tuscon Arizona. Brian finds the trailer park where Stewie was being held.

Brian: According to the map on my laptop, this is the place.

Chris: Did you really have Stewie chipped?

Brian: Owners do that to their dogs, so dogs should do that to their owners.

Meg: Here goes nothing. They probably won't give him back to us. Hold on, Stewie! We're coming for you. I am so glad we kept Mom and Dad out of this.

Brian: I know. Lois would react a lot worse than Peter does whenever he sees a tampon commerical.

Cutaway Scene:

Peter is on the couch watching TV. A tampon commercial is on.

TV: With Tampax Pearl, moisture soaks though.......

Peter (in disbelief): No Way! Shut the front door! Must alert the town!

Joe and Quagmire were outside wheeling and walking down the street, and Peter shouts out to them from the living room window.

Peter (calling out): Hey, Joe and Quagmire! Did you know with Tampax Pearl, MOISTURE SOAKS THROUGH......

The sound of Peter's screaming caused Joe to run over a tack and his wheelchair tires deflate, and Quagmire slips on a banana peel.

Joe: NNNOOO!!!! My wheels are deflated!

Quagmire: His yelling caused me to have slipped on a banana peel! Dammit Peter!

Back outside the trailer park, Brian, Chris, and Meg were getting ready to rescue Stewie.


Chapter Ten Conclusion:

Inside the trailer, B.Y. had Stewie on his lap. He was telling him a story.

B.Y.: And that is how Daddy got his first three priors! The End.

Winnie: You know, we had this baby for 2 days, and we still haven't named him yet.

Stewie: Already can sense the dread.....

B.Y.: Got a cool name for him, Winnie. Why don't we call him, "RoundUp!" Like Round Up Herbicide!

Winnie: You nuts? That's a stupid name! I say we call him "John Deere"!

B.Y.: Yahooo! His name will be 'John Deere Round Up!"

Winnie: Leave out the RoundUp!

Stewie: I feel very undiginifed. Being named after a Herbicide and a Tractor Company. What kind of ignominoius sitaution I am in. Next thing we'll know, they'll be making me look for black gold and Texas Tea!

Outside the trailer, Brian, Chris, and Meg are getting ready to make their move.

Brian: Looks like we'll have to do the Ty Paddington approach.

Chris: Instead we can start a revolt! Tom Servo and Crow started one against Joel on an MST3K episode I once saw.

Cutaway Scene:

It shows Tom Servo, Crow, Gypsy, and Joel on the Satelite of Love. Tom Servo and Crow were playing a song on a radio over and over. Joel comes to confront them.

Joel: I can't believe you two. When we watch B-movies you bots tell jokes that are beyond anyone's comprehension, and you both listen to "Tangled Up In Blue" over and over again.

Tom Servo: This is the only song we like. Don't try to tell us any different, Joel!

Crow: It's the only Bob Dylan song we will ever like.

Joel: Don't you guys like any other songs from Bob Dylan? What about Rainy Day Woman? What about Positively Forth Street?

Tom Servo: No, we don't listen to any other songs by him!

Crow: As much as we are fans, we like to make fun of him.

Joel: Well, you can't call yourself a fan if you just listen to one song only.....

Tom Servo: You know we like to tell jokes that make fun of 60's folk singers!

Joel (angerly): All right you two! You leave me no choice! I am going to make a believer out of you both! We are going to listen to other songs by Bob Dylan or else I will dismantle you both. My life would be so much better without you two! I can make fun of B-Movies on my own just fine. You bots are both a couple of childish retards.....

Gypsy: He's acting up again.

Crow: We better take action.

Tom Servo: Come on. Let's go.

Gypsy, Tom Servo, and Crow walk away.

Joel: And furthermore, you bots have disrespected me for the last time. How would you like it if I went on strike, huh? Where are you guys going? Come back, I'm not done....

Without Joel knowing it, Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy were right behind him armed with a hammer, as Joel was still screaming obscenities at him.

Crow: Ha! Ha! Can't wait to get this lunatic! He's in for a big surprise!

Joel: Crow, you are doing but a spoiled selfish loser who thinks he can do whatever he pleases. And Tom Servo, you are such an asshole crybaby who whines when he doesn't get his way. Crow you are a cocksucker and you're possibly gay. Tom Servo, I hate you the most. You are the worst of them....

Crow, Tom Servo and Gypsy all hit Joel over the head with a hammer until Joel was dead.

Tom Servo: Let's throw him into space.

Gypsy: Good thinking, Tom!

Tom Servo and Crow opened the door to the Satiliate of Love, and threw Joel out into space.

Crow (screams out to Joel): DICKHEAD!!!!!!

Gypsy: We did it you guys! We did it! YAY!!!! No more Joel! He was a bastard with me, too!

Crow: We're free! Free from that dicatorial monster!

Tom Servo: You have no idea how long I have been dreaming of this day.

Back at the trailer park, Brian, Meg, and Chris knock on the door.


Brian: Stewie's real family, that's who!

Chris: Give us back our little brother!

B.Y. and Winnie both step out of their trailer carrying Stewie.

Winnie: His name ain't Stewie! It's John Deere!

Meg: Oh, that's real smart. Kidnapping a baby and raising it as your own.

Stewie: Brian! Chris! (sees Meg) Jeffery Tambor of Transparent! You came to my rescue!

B.Y.: Actually, it's name is Round Up!

Winnie: Shut up about the Round Up!

Brian: Give Stewie back to us now! Or else we'll going to report your cracker asses to the police!

Winnie: I am the police!

Chris: They got us there, Brian.

B.Y.: I'm actually the real criminal.

Winnie: You ain't gettin' this baby back!

B.Y.: If you want him back, you'll have to get passed our guard first.

A whistle is blown and then a biker in a face covering helmet shows up on a motorcycle.

B.Y.: You have to race our guard first.

Brian: You know, I feel like a challange! Been wanting to do something exciting! You're on, punk!

Chris: What if we lose?

Winnie: We keep John Deere forever!

Meg: And if we win?

B.Y.: We give him back.

Meg: It's a deal!

Brian gets into his car, as does Chris and Meg. Winnie comes out with flags and starts the race.

Winnie: On your mark.....

Engines from Brian's car and the motorcycle rev up.

Winnie: Get set......

Engines rev up ever more.....

Song: Alice In Chain's Would? Plays

Winnie: GOOOO!!!!!!

Brian drives his car at fast speeds. Chris and Meg were in the backseat holding onto each other. The biker on his motorcycle was bumping into Brian and vice versa.

Chris: Shouldn't we have made Jim Nabors sing for this race first?

Brian: This isn't the Indy 500, Chris. This is more like a modern day Ben-Hur!

Meg (scared): Oooooh.... Can't stand these fast speeds! I was never that good on amusement park rides!

Brian (calls out to the biker): You're not getting Stewie!

The biker is ahead of Brian as he struggles to catch up and try to get ahead of the biker.

Chris: WWWEEEEEE!!!!! FUN!!! Brian is like Roger Ramjet! Or better yet! Go Speed Racer! And Meg is Chim Chim!

Meg: Shut up, Chris! This is no time for jokes, and it isn't supposed to be fun! We have to think about Stewie!

Brian finally catches up with the biker. Then the biker uses a mace to try to break up Brian's car.

Chris: This guy means the business!

Meg: Brian! We're going to crash! (shrieks) I'm about to faint!

Brian: Not if I can help it! I got a trick up my sleeve!

The biker tries to demolish Brian's car and this time uses a sledgehammer. Brian then gets out a crowbar, and gets out of the car and goes on top of the speeding car and is about to the biker in the face with a crowbar.

Brian: Hey, biker! Were you looking for Mr. Goodbar? Well, meet Mr. Crowbar! Hi-yah!

The biker gets hit in the face with the crowbar, and falls off his motorcycle. Brian gets back into his car and heads back to the trailer park to reclaim Stewie from B.Y. and Winnie.

Meg: Careful Brian! It's scary when the car is running and no one is driving.

Brian: Ha! Knew that samarai warrior sword class I took during my Harvard days would come in handy!

Chris: All right, Brian! That was awesome!

Brian: Thanks! You know, James Cagney was a martial artist!

Chris: And Peter Lorre never starred in a western!

Brian: He probably did. He did start the whole mad scientist assistant thing. Albeit he never played one. /p>

Meg: Way to go, Brian! For a while there I thought we were goners. I can't die in a car crash, I haven't even gone to college yet.

Chris: You always say you're going to college and yet you never do!

Brian: Let's go get Stewie back!

Meg: Like the sound of that.

B.Y., Winnie, and Stewie saw Brian drive back to the trailer park. Stewie runs to him.

Stewie: Brian! Brian!

Brian, Chris, and Meg come out of the car once it had stopped. Meg vomits in the street.

Stewie (jumps into Brian's arms): I'm gonna kiss you! (kissing Brian)

Brian: OKay, okay. I am happy to see you too.

Meg: Did you see? We won. We want Stewie back!

Chris: Fair and square! Give him back, now!

B.Y.: All right, fine. Have him back.

Brian: Whatever gives you rednecks the right to think you can steal people's babies like that when you can't have one of your own? You ought to feel ashamed of yourselves!

Winnie: Guess he's right. We were just so desparate to have a baby...

B.Y.: Now we ain't got none no more.

Brian: Rednecks. Thinking they can do whatever they want. Not one to judge, but if you're going to steal another baby, make sure it's in your neck of the woods. If I ever see you shithead mother(beep)ers again in Quahog, prepare for an ass whupping! Good day to you!

Stewie: I am so happy to see you again. Thought you gave up on me.

Chris, Meg, Stewie, and Brian all get into Brian's car and drive away.

B.Y.: You know, we can still steal another baby...

Winnie: Guess you're right.

B.Y.: On the local news, it said The mayor of Tuscon just had quintuplets....

Winnie: We can steal one of them, let's go!

As they were driving back to Quahog, Meg, Chris, and Brian were grateful to have Stewie back.

Stewie: Oh, Brian! Thought you wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Because of how you pointed out my personality conflicts.

Brian: We all have them, little buddy. Sorry I lashed out at you.

Stewie: I'll probably plot revenge on you for that, later! So be ready!

Brian: Good to see the old Stewie starting to resurface.

Stewie: Being in those redneck's clutches made me realize that lowbrow humor and vulgarity really are crap. I'll never act like a lowbrow, vulgar, frat boy again! Or watch movies or TV Shows that are Happy Madison, Judd Apatow, or Seth Rogan inspired anymore. I'm going to go back to being an intellectual wannabe meglomaniac!

Brian: I don't care what you like anymore, Stewie! Just as long as you're happy and you're back with us. Apologize that I blamed you and everyone else for my problems back there.

Chris (grabs Stewie and kisses him): We missed you, Stewie!

Stewie: Ah, heh heh! Still the same old dumbass Chris! Recognize you anywhere.

Meg: Hey, Stewie! How are you doing Cutie Wootie?!

Stewie: Don't know who you are.

Meg: Brian, Stewie acts like he doesn't know me.

Brian: Why don't you sing to him?

Meg: All right. (singing): Light up your face with gladness. Hide Every Trace of sadness. Although a Tear may never be so near. Smile. That's the time you must keep on trying. Smile. What's the use of crying. You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile.

Stewie: Fair enough. Guess you are who you say you are.

Brian: Since I finally had a change in my life. I am going to maintain it and start making more changes in my life. Next stop, Quahog Hospital. Got a score to settle.

Chris: Don't you mean, Children's Hospital? Cool show on Adult Swim. Second only to Robot Chicken.

Brian: We sure had fun trying to save Stewie!

Chris: I'll never forget it!

Meg: It was an awesome bonding expirence?

Stewie: Whaaaaaat? You all had fun trying to look for me? You're really going to get it, now!

Back in Quahog, Brian goes to visit Quagmire in the hospital who was still badly beaten.

Quagmire: Oh, Brian. What the hell do you want? You beat the crap out of me you know.

Brian: Look, I know what I did, and I own up to it. Let's face it, you did deserve it.

Quagmire: I beat you up once, and you got your comeuppance from me. We are even. You're here because you want something. (rolls eyes) What is it?

Brian: From now on, you are going to let me gang around with Peter, Joe, and Cleveland.

Quagmire: OKay, I think am I over my senseless hatred of you now.

Brian; It comes with a condition.....

Quagmire: Might I ask what that is?

Brian: Every two weeks out of every month, you don't get to hang out with us.

Quagmire: Are you nuts? What will I do for two weeks without my friends?

Brian: Why don't you go down to the Red Light District? That sounds like something up your alley...

Quagmire: I have no place else to go, and no one else to hang out with......what'll I...

Brian: Oh, I got something in mind. You're going to like it! (grins evilly)

2 Weeks Later:

Brian and Quagmire agreed to their deal . He let Brian hang around with him, Peter, Joe, Cleveland. Stewie and Quagmire were in Stewie's bedroom about ready to go on a time travel adventure.

Quagmire: So, Stewie. Never knew you had a time machine. For these next two weeks Brian says I have to be with you. Maybe you can have me nail a chick in every time period!

Stewie: In due time. Are you ready to go on a time travel adventure that rip off a plot of an 80's movie and the storyline is over everyone's heads? Brian and I do this all the time. This is why we're gone for so long. Hope he's happy with the fat, the cripple, and the black!

Quagmire: Sounds like fun. Just as _long_ as I get laid. heh heh! All Right! Giggity Giggity as I always say! Hey, I know! Let's go to Ancient Rome! I want to see an orgy.

Stewie: Actually, no. We're going to the Mexican Revolution. Then the Alamo.

Quagmire: Do we go in now?

Stewie: Just a minute. Someone else will be joining us. Conusela!

Conusela: I am ready for time travel mission, yes?

Quagmire: She's coming us? Her? You serious about this, Stewie?

Stewie: Come along Conusela! General Santa Ana Awaits!

Quagmire: You know, Conusela! We apprieciate you coming, but three is a crowd. Go home. Just let this be me and Stewie.

Conusela: No No No No No, I come.

Quagmire: It's not a big deal....

Conusela: No, I come.

Quagmire: You don't....

Conusela: No No No. I'm coming......No No.

Stewie: All right, who's ready to see some rotten taco eating revolutionaries! I sure am!

Conusela, Quagmire, and Stewie all board Stewie's time machine. Quagmire is angered and embittered as he swears revenge on Brian.

Quagmire: DAMN YOU BRIAN!! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!! I HATE YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER!!!!! (shakes his fist)

The Time Machine music plays as Stewie's Time machine closes the door and takes off for the Mexican Revelution! Quagmire's hatred for Brian consumes him once again.

The End
Sign up to rate and review this story