Categories > Cartoons > American Dad

Assassinating The Character

by HazelWitch81 0 reviews

An alternate ending to Steve and Snot's Testubular Adventure.

Category: American Dad - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2015-06-02 - 3140 words - Complete

My first American Dad fanfic. So please be nice. Read and review if any of you other American Dad fans out there thought it was stupid how Steve and Snot had to have a moral moment of conscienceness about their clone dates for the prom.


American Dad

Assassinating The Character

by: Hailey Sands

Part One:

It was the night of the Pearl Bailey High School Prom. Steve and Snot were waiting all week for this moment, as they were at the bottom of the staircase waiting for their clone dates. Honey and Glitter have been growing at a fast rate in the past week since Steve and Snot used the CIA Clone Machine. Now Honey and Glitter were ready for the prom.

Steve (looks around): Wonder where Dad is? Think he would be there and be more supportive about me finally doing it at the Prom tonight. (calling) Come on out Honey!

Snot (calling out): Hey, Glitter! You ready?

Steve: We've been waiting all week for this.

Snot: Here they come now.

Steve and Snot watch in anticipation as they watch Honey and Glitter walk down the stairs in their Prom dresses. The song Rock Steady by No Doubt plays and a limo was parked in the driveway of the Smith house waiting to take them to the Prom. Honey and Glitter walk down the stair and join Steve and Snot.

Honey: Hey, there, big boy! Can't wait for the prom!

Glitter: Me, too!

Snot: Okay, this is it! The moment of truth...

Steve: Hey, wait a minute.....(looks at the clones)

Snot: What's wrong, Steve? We've been waiting all week for the prom. Don't tell me you're having second thoughts!

Steve: Does this mean we're going to the Prom with our daughters? We're commiting incest!

Snot: No, of course not! You nuts? Come on! Let's go! I want to get laid!

Steve: Maybe we shouldn't do this. I mean, we raised these clones like they were our children, and now we're using them for sex?

Glitter: I want to be used for sex!

Snot (angerly): Get ahold of yourself Steve! We went though all this trouble! We can't give up now, not when we're come this far....

Steve: Maybe Mom and Hayley are right.....girls.....they really are somebody's daughter and....

Snot: Let me quote Cher in Moonstruck to you! (slaps Steve in the face) Snap out of it! This is no time to be the moral compass! Besides, the girls we got the DNA from weren't even our family members to begin with! So, are you coming to this prom, or not?

Steve (rubbing his face): Thanks. I needed that. You bet! Come on, Honey! You're about to become a topping to my ice cream!

Honey: Ooooh, I love your sexy metaphors!

Steve: Usually girls think my pick up lines are lame.

Snot: Does that sound like a daughter to you?

Steve: We did teach them to talk like cheap easy whores. So no.

Glitter: Let's go and be very horizontal!

Snot: I am so there!

Steve: Okay, then! What are we waiting for? Let's go get laid! After all, these girls are our TNA! And not our daughters, sisters, mothers, cousins or whatever! Morality sucks!

Snot: That's the spirit! Ethics and decency are boring! We don't want Barry and Toshi to one up us with those fat twins they're dating.

Steve: Virtues are so Jerry Falwell!

Honey, Glitter, Steve, and Snot all go outside the Smith house and walk into the limo that was headed to Prom. Stan was watering his lawn as Francine comes out to talk to him. Stan had a iPhone and he was laughing as he was filming Greg and Terry reenacting the Tim Roth and Michael Madsen scene from Resevoir Dogs.

Greg: I just cut off you ear. (talks into fake ear); Hello! Hello!

Terry: Ooooohhhhh......

Stan (laughing): Gays have the funniest sex games!

Francine: Stan!

Stan: Oh, Francine! Didn't see you there.

Francine: You spying on Greg and Terry again?

Stan: Ummmmm, No.

Francine: You didn't even bother to notice that your son and Snot were getting ready for prom.

Stan: Good for them. Whatever floats their boat.

Francine: Here to inform you on what you missed out on. Steve and Snot just left for the prom with those clones.

Stan gasps in horror and drops the hose.

Francine: Geez, what's wrong Stan? Feeling a little guilty.....

Stan (jumps in midair fearfully): Clones?!?!?!

Francine: Yes, clones! Hmmmm, That's funny Stan, I thought you wanted Steve to get laid so he can finally become a real "MAN". Like you always wanted him to be.

Stan: You don't understand, Francine. Whenever a human is cloned from the CIA cloning machine, at the stroke of midnight, they become EVIL!

Francine: Don't believe that for one minute! Let me tell you one thing, mister. Steve is going to hate you for missing out on his big moment, and he'll hate you even more for killing his prom date.

Stan watches as Francine walks back to the house. Darren the Dodo Bird lands on Stan's head.

Darren: (makes bird sounds)

Stan: Wish you were a trained assassin. Guess I have no choice.

Darren: (makes bird sounds)

Stan: Great idea! I'll get Roger to do it! (dials his cellphone) Roger! Answer! Need you to do something for me!

On his cellphone, Stan doesn't get a response from Roger.

Stan: SHIT!!!!


Part 2:

Moments later, Stan runs up to Roger's attic for help.

Stan: Roger! Please! I need your help! Called you a moment ago......You didn't answer your cell.

Roger is playing Fester's Quest on Nintendo, he turns it off in an aloof matter.

Stan: Don't have to get snappy about it.

Roger: What is so important that you had to interrupt me while I was playing Fester's Quest?

Stan: You mean that crappy Nintendo game that was based on the Addams Family? I need you to kill someone for me!

Roger: Really? Why didn't you say so? I love it when someone asks me to murder! I am flattered that you are asking me to be your Assassin For Hire. Who did you kill? Who do you want me to cover up for?

Stan: It's not that. It's about those clone dates Steve and Snot made.

Roger: They made themselves clone dates? Why couldn't they have cloned me a celebrity? I could have a Lana Del Ray of my own by now!

Stan: Yes. What they don't understand is, whenever a human is cloned from the CIA cloning machine, at the stroke of midnight, the clones become evil! I need you to assassinate them for me.

Roger: What about that Do-Do Bird. Will he turn evil, too?

Stan: No, because he's an animal. I will feed the clones to him.

Roger is handed a sniper rifle by Stan.

Stan: Now go out there, and blow those (beep) clones heads off!

Roger: About time I got some air time in this episode. Usually, I am thrust into the background when it comes to Steve and Snot plots....

Stan: Stop going forth wall and kill those clones already! They can destroy the whole city if we're not careful!

Roger: Aye Aye Captain! Just one thing....

Stan: What?

Roger: Should I assassinate them from a grassy knoll, or the Langley Falls Schoolbook Depository Building?

Stan (angerly): Doesn't matter... (throwing his arms up in the air) Just kill them!!!!

While on their way to the Prom in the Limo, Steve and Snot were happily going there with their dates Honey and Glitter.

Steve: So, do you prefer to slow dance, or dirty dance?

Snot: Nobody will put our babies in the corner, expect us!

Honey: We like it dirty!

Glitter: Oooh, yeah!

Honey: Say, what do you think after the dance, we do it in the parking lot?

Steve: Love that idea! (kisses Honey's hand)

Honey: Hope you didn't bring condoms. Want my first time to be natural!

Steve: Don't have any on me!

Snot: Me neither! Love the idea for privacy, though.

Glitter: That way, nobody sees us.

Snot: If you say so. Its good to get laid in private, anyway.

As Steve and Snot were looking out the Limo Windows, Honey and Glitter start to get evil looks on their faces behind their backs.

Honey: (hissing)

Glitter: (hissing)

Steve: Is there a problem?

Honey (face turning back to normal): Nope.

Glitter's face turns back to normal as they Limo goes into the parking lot of Pearl Bailey High School. Steve and Snot escort Honey and Glitter there. Meanwhile, in a low rider headed to the school, Roger was driving it. Roger is dressed up in a t-shirt with a basketball jersey over it, some baggy blue jeans with boxer shorts exposed, high top sneakers, sunglasses and a nylon over his head. Roger was headed for the Prom to assassinate Honey and Glitter. The song Slam by Onyx was playing at a deafening volume on the radio.

Roger (rapping along): SLAM!!!! SLAM!!!!! BAH DAH DAH! BAH DAH DAH! Gonna kill some clones! SLAM!!! SLAM!!!! BAH DAH DAH!!!! BAH DAH DAH!!!! Gonna kill some clones!

Steve and Snot were at the gymnasium at the Pearl Bailey High School Prom getting punch for Honey and Glitter. Roger was in the low rider spying on Steve, Snot, Honey, and Glitter via an iPHONE.

Honey: Oooh, this is delicious!

Steve: Knew you would be 'pleased as punch'! (laughs)

Honey: Love your witty remarks! It's what makes you attractive! (touches Steve's face and kisses)

Roger (evasdropping from afar): More like 'shitty remarks!"

Glitter and Snot enjoy the punch too. Then Roger parked the low rider at the Langley Falls Schoolbook Depository Building which was across the street from the high school. Roger goes inside the building, and sets up the sniper rifle, and calls Stan on his cellphone.

Stan (over phone): Has it been done yet? I assume you took out those clones by now?

Roger (over phone): I'm just across the street from the high school. About to go in for the kill. Those clones are going to be a cesspool of blood.

Stan (over phone): Don't mention it. Last thing I need is the CIA to hold me responsible for evil clones. Now go do what I sent you to do. That's an order! Over and out.

Roger (aiming the sniper rifle at Honey): I'm Lee Harvey Oswalding this (beep) Maybe Oliver Stone can make a movie about this......or Billy Joel sing a song. Whichever comes first......

Steve and Snot continued to dance with Honey and Glitter. Roger tries to shoot them, but the sniper rifle missed. It shot a Nun.

Monk: AAAHHH!!!! NNOO!!!! Who could've done such a thing?

Then the Monk points at a stray dog.

Monk: Y-y-y-y-o-o-o-uuuu! Did it!

Roger: DAMMIT!!! Do it again......(loads rifle then looks down the window) Shot a nun? Cool! Perhaps it was Mother Angelica! Ha! Ha! Catholic bitch!

Another failed attempt occurs when Roger tries to shoot both Honey and Glitter. But instead the sniper rifle misfired again. Anytime Roger tried to shoot Honey and Glitter, he ended up shooting trees, buildings, cars, and bystanders. Some of the bullets even richoceted. Roger spends the rest of the evening trying to kill Honey and Glitter, but failing miserably.

Roger: Son of a......Wasted all these good slugs and......

At the gymnasium, Steve and Snot were dancing with Honey and Glitter. 1980's soft rock music was playing throughout.

Steve: Nothing like 80's music to make a prom fun. Kind of like Sixteen Candles.

Honey: Feel like Juliette Lewis in Pretty Woman.

Snot: Uhhhh, that was Julia Roberts, I believe.

Glitter: Forget her, I'm like Rachel Leigh Cook in She's All That.

Hours have passed, and Roger still failed to assassinate Honey and Glitter. Roger was all out of ammunition. It was now 11:57 at night.

Roger (screams in fear): AAAAHHHH!!!! I'll all out of ammunition! Just like John McCain! Or Admiral Stockdale. Must call Stan! He'll kick my ass, but he's my only hope now.

As Roger goes to call Stan on his cellphone, Steve and Snot were at the parking lot with Honey and Glitter.

Steve: You say you want to do it in the parking lot???

Honey: That was a fun dance, now comes the sex!

Snot: Oh boy! This is it! We're going to be part of the cool crowd, now!

Glitter: After this is over, you guys won't be outcast geeks anymore!

Steve: It's cool how we're going to be doing it at midnight.

Snot: A few minutes away from being cool.....

Back at the Langley Falls Schoolbook Depository.....

Roger (calling Stan): Stan! I failed! I am a horrible shot......(crying) I'm an unsuccessful assassin. (crying)

Stan (hanging up): Damn that Roger! Knew I shouldn't have counted on him! (gets a missile launcher) Guess it's all up to me now! Come on, Darren!

Steve and Snot were about to have sex with Honey and Glitter. Stan rushes over to Pearl Bailey High School with Darren flying by his side. Then at the stroke of midnight, Honey and Glitter start to morph into humanoid monsters. Their hair turns into tentacles, and their teeth and nails grow 10 inches. Honey and Glitter begin to beat up Steve and Snot.

Snot (screaming in fear): IS THIS SEX?!?!??!!

Steve (screaming in fear): Must be the kinky kind!

Snot (yelling for mercy): Sure like it rough!

Steve (yelling and getting punched): muttering

Snot (getting punched): We taught them well.

Steve (getting kicked): YES!! TOO WELL!!!!!!

Honey and Glitter beat the living daylights out of Steve and Snot who were both now bloodied and bruised from their faces to their feet. Honey and Glitter used their tentacles to tie them up and throw them in the air, and scratch and bite them with their teeth and nails. Steve and Snot were lying on the ground as Honey and glitter torture them merciliessly. Stan and Roger come onto the scene.

Stan: Steve! Are you okay?

Steve: No, I'm not. Anytime I try to be cool or get laid, I always get beat up. (sobbing)

Stan (laughing): Story of your life.

Roger (laughs): Yes, Steve can write an autobiography and call it that!

Snot (getting up): Look....(coughs) The clones are...... going inside....

Honey and Glitter go back inside the gymnasium and terrorize everyone at the Prom. There was a lot of screaming ruckus and uproar as Honey and Glitter attack and kill everyone inside.

Roger: Whoops! My bad! Should've killed them when I had the chance! Come to your aid this time, and get my aim right.

Stan (pushes Roger): NO! I had enough help from you for one night. Darren is going to help me!

Roger, Steve, and Snot watch as Stan runs inside the gymnasium alongside Darren. Honey and Glitter were holding Prinicipal Lewis hostage. Some students there were badly injured, maimed, and killed. There was a bloody mess on the floor.

Prinicipal Lewis: Stan Smith! Thank God you're here! Tell these monsters I'll have their drugs and drugs for them by tommorow.

Stan: They're not drug dealers, they're evil clones.

Darren loads the missile launcher and hands it to Stan.

Stan: Thanks, Darren. (aims the missile launcher at Honey and Glitter) Now.......

Prinicipal Lewis: Kill them.......Or at least, kill me! They're causing me great unsufferable pain! (getting choked) KILL......MEEEEEE.......

In slow motion, the missile launcher shoots as Stan kills Honey and Glitter. Honey and Glitter both explode and theres body parts, tentacles, and nails and teeth everywhere.

Stan: I love clone killing in the mornin'. Smells like victory!

Roger (running inside): Are they dead? So humiliating Stan chose that bird over me.

Prinicipal Lewis: Oh, Mr. Smith! Much graditude goes to you.

Stan: If you ever want an assassin, I'm your man!

Roger: Woah! (sees the horrid mess): What a Mess! That used to be an ABC Saturday Morning cartoon. It was about a dog named after a Russian Prince.....

Steve and Snot walk struggle to walk into the gym.

Snot: What went down here?

Stan: Hate to tell you both this, but your clones were destined to become evil.

Steve (confused): I don't get it.

Stan: See Steve. You didn't take into consideration that whenever someone clones a human from the CIA Clone Machine, it becomes evil at midnight.

Roger: All right! All right! Enough of that! You said that three times! Save the message for the end of the episode!

Steve: Didn't know that. All I wanted was to get laid. I am so sorry about this.

Snot: We did not think this though.. How much damage we caused...... Will we ever get a date again who liked us as much as those clones did?

Stan: Sorry I can't help you there. We can't let the CIA know we used their cloning machine. It can cost me my job if a relative of mine used it. We have to dispose of the evidence these clones ever existed.

Roger: You know, Stan. I have a lot of inspiration from Breaking Bad. Got some good chemicals at home we can use.....

The next day, at the Langley Falls National Park. Stan, Roger, Darren, Steve and Snot dispose of the clone's remains in a tub of sulfuric acid as they were having a picnic.

Steve (crying): How was I supposed to know they will become bad and try to kill innocent people? (sob) I will never use the clone machine again.

Snot (crying): We did not consider the possibilty us using the clone machine could've made you lose your job.

Stan: Good! Because you're grounded for two weeks for what you did. Oh, and Snot. I called your mother about this, too. So you're grounded as well. Ahhh. Love being an a position of authority!

Roger (eating a tentacle): Delicious! No wonder Asians love to eat octopuses!

Snot (crying): Poor Honey and Glitter! Why did they have to turn evil? They were like Princess Leia if she morphed into Darth Vader.

Steve (crying): Or Queen Amandala if she turned into Darth Maul. (sobbing) We'll never forget them and what we taught them.

Snot: They will always be our cheap and easy whores! (sobs) Our TNA.....

Steve: Honey and Glitter will always be in our hearts.

Snot: They were the only girls who ever liked us for who we were. We didn't have to change....

Roger: Is it me, or did we just commit the perfect murder?

Stan: Nothing throws away evidence like dissolving bodies in acid. (pets Darren) That's a good boy, Darren. You're going to help me kill terrorists someday! (cooing) Yeah, you are! Yes you are!

Roger (groans in frustration): Give all the credit to that........

Steve and Snot continue to cry as Stan and Roger enjoy their picnic.


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