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Like coffee

by CarcinoGeneticist 3 reviews

Story time with your absent author. This is pretty important to me, so.

Category: Essay - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst,Humor - Published: 2015-06-13 - 866 words - Complete

Alright, you guys, guess who’s old?

It’s me. I am old. I’m nineteen years old, which is a really high age to still be writing fanfiction.

Today I’m gonna talk about me. I’m also going to be talking about Glee. Because darn if those two things aren’t everyone’s fave topics.

But first, a joke. I like my women like I like my men.
That’s it. That’s the joke. I’m bisexual.

Which shouldn’t really be a big thing, but it is, okay, it’s a big part of who I am and I was in the closet for a really long time. And everyone tells you that The Closet isn’t a great place to be, and that’s true. It’s really not. Which brings me to Glee.

The first time I saw Glee, I developed crushes on two fictional characters. The first one was Kurt Hummel, and the second one was Quinn Fabray.

That weirded me out a little, but first, have some background. When I was in kindergarten, I was in love with my best friend and I wanted to marry her, because living together with your best friend would be awesome. Five-year-old me got that together. It didn’t bother me that we were both girls.

The second thing was when I was eleven. I hit puberty really early and I straight-up devoured Cosmopolitan magazines because I figured out where they were in the school library. Sex education in sixth grade is sort of lacking, but my rant on sex education in public school can wait for another day.

So I figured out sex as a sort of passion thing that happened between two people. I was eleven, so my standards of anatomy hadn’t fully formed. Also, I was sort of bullied a lot, and I was overweight as a kid, so I had like, no self-esteem. Naturally, I was worried that nobody would ever want to have sex with me. I was worried about that shit at eleven years old. But then I remembered that I had a friend named Allison, and maybe if we stayed friends for a really long time we’d fall in love and have sex.

And I was immediately disgusted with myself. I felt like I betrayed her somehow, because friends shouldn’t think of friends that way. I wasn’t disgusted because she was a girl, but because she was my friend.

Which takes us to Quinn Fabray. Quinn was the picture-perfect cheerleader on Glee who accidentally gets pregnant. She was, arguably, the prettiest girl I’d ever seen. Her lips were perfect soft pink, her eyes were full of fire, and I knew, at fourteen, that this meant something. I was in love. I was in love with a girl who was totally feminine but totally full of drive.

I also went to a Christian school, so I internalized my crush on this girl. Because nobody could know. Because then everyone would hate me, and I’d have no friends.

That whole Nobody-Can-Know mentality really affected me, you know? I mean, I was straight-up scared. I was terrified of liking girls. I liked boys, so I sort of viewed myself as half-straight, like maybe this could change as I got older. Even in high school, I hated myself for something I couldn’t control.

Keep in mind, though, the only representation I saw of bisexual people were the negative ones. The slutty ones who needed to pick a side. Negative representation isn’t representation, yo. It’s damaging.

But after fighting through a ton of mental health problems in high school and my first year of university, I’m finally out of the closet, and guess what? It still sucks! What?! WHAT?!
I know, right? I once went on a date with a guy, and after he pushed me into outing myself, said, “oh, well, you can kill that part of yourself.”

I cried on the way home, and he did not get a second date. Don’t ever date somebody who says stuff like that to you.

So, you know, it’s not all, “It gets better!” It is good. But it could be better. It could be so much better. You will get shit from both the LGTBQ+ community, and the straight people. So that is just fantastic. But as much as that sucks, it’s still better than lying to yourself and hating who you are. Because it really doesn’t matter. Basically, if you think you might be bisexual, IT IS OKAY. YOU DON’T NEED TO OUT YOURSELF OR PICK A SIDE OR ANY OF THAT. You’re you, and that’s what most important. Sexuality doesn’t require a prerequisite, like I’ve never dated a girl, but I know what it is.

Also, arm yourself with knowledge about bisexuality, because you’re eventually gonna run up against a bigot and the ensuing heated argument/rap battle about how valid your orientation is will suck. It will suck less if you nail them with facts. Also, goshdarnit, get knowledge because you should get knowledge about this stuff.
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