Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Not Again!

Chapter 4

by Forty_Two 0 reviews

Dumbledore crashes the party.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Parody - Characters: Harry,Hermione - Warnings: [!!!] [V] [?] - Published: 2015-06-22 - 1358 words


Chapter 4

"Why didn't you make that teller issue me a new vault key when we were at Gringotts the first time?" Harry made conversation as they sipped their Butterbeers at the bar of the Leaky Cauldron.

Mary Sue searched her memory for a second. "Oh, that!" she nodded. "Have you perhaps gotten the feeling that it's all about me?"

"What's all about you?"

"Everything!" Mary Sue smirked. "When I stood at that teller's window the first time, I was there to exchange Muggle money. Your vault key was not on my agenda. The second time, that no-good Goblin snubbed my leading character. People don't get away with that! I take it personally!"

"Your leading character? I thought you were my plot device?" Harry protested.

"Whatever," Mary Sue rolled her eyes. "Have you come up with a plan yet, Boy-hero?"

"No," Harry shook his head. "I have no idea what this story's even about."

"Fan-fiction authors can be a little slow out of the gate," the Girl-in-Black nodded. "Sometimes it takes them awhile to get their shit together and decide where they're going."

Just then an ominous brown barn owl swooped in and landed on the bar, holding out its leg in front of Harry. He eyed it fearfully for several long seconds before his curiosity finally got the better of him. Harry warily reached over to remove the parchment note from the owl's leg.

"What's it say?" Mary Sue leaned in close to read it with him.


There's been a bit of a cock-up at Privet Drive. Please meet me in the Leaky Cauldron at half-eleven.

-A. P. W. B. D.

Harry glanced at his watch. "It's half-eleven right now!"

"And we're already in the Leaky Cauldron," Mary Sue frowned in confusion.

"So you are! So you are!" a genial voice announced from behind them.

The two leaped off their barstools in a trice, Harry to the left and Mary Sue to the right, and each had their wand or short-sword in hand before their feet touched the ground.

"A little jumpy, aren't we?" a bespectacled old man smiled, his hands held up in surrender. He wore a wizard's hat and his long gray beard nearly reached his knees.

"Gandalf? What are you doing here!?" Mary Sue's face paled. "Look, I'm sorry about Legolas, but the fabled 'Son of Thranduil and the gods' gift to women' had it coming. I was underage at the time, if you'll recall! And besides, elves' ears grow back, don't they?"

"Gandalf? I'm sorry to disappoint, but I am not he. Have we met?" Dumbledore asked.

"Ah!" Mary Sue seemed to relax a little. "The spectacles should have been a tip-off! You must be the famous Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, then. I'm Mary Sue!" she held out her hand and Dumbledore shook it briefly.

"Your Aunt Petunia informed me that you'd been kidnapped, Harry," the old wizard looked back and forth between the two. "Is that not the case?" He turned a questioning eye in the direction of the Girl-in-Black.

"Er..." Harry replied guiltily.

"Harry," Dumbledore turned his twinkling blue eyes back to the boy still holding a wand on him, "Were you or were you not forcibly kidnapped from Privet Drive?"

"No, not really," Harry replied after a quick check with Mary Sue, who was vigorously shaking her head behind Dumbledore's back.

"I see..." the old wizard frowned. "You've really fucked things up, you know," he shook his head wearily. "Since you willfully left home, the wards at Privet Drive have fallen and Petunia refuses to allow me to re-cast them."

"Fish tarts!" Harry exclaimed, seemingly overjoyed.

"Fish tarts?" Dumbledore looked perplexed.

"It's an anagram," Mary Sue supplied. "Harry's just trying to be polite."

"Spoonerism," Harry corrected. "It's a spoonerism."

"No it's not!" Mary Sue held firm. "It's an anagram! The spoonerism would be..."

"Language, Harry!" Dumbledore frowned as he unraveled the anagram. "It seems we have a dilemma on our hands. Lucius Malfoy has somehow learned of your falling out with the Dursleys and is currently busying himself in convincing Minister Fudge to grant him custody of your person."

"Fuck!" Harry blurted out.

"Yes," Dumbledore agreed, "and without a counter-proposal, I fear that Lucius' request will be granted."

"A counter-proposal?" Harry asked warily.

"Someone else who would be willing to assume your guardianship," Dumbledore clarified.

Harry's eyes immediately darted to Mary Sue. They held a rather pleading expression.

"Me!?" she balked.

"You!?" Dumbledore turned to her, blinking in surprise. "I hardly think so!"

"And why not me!?" Mary Sue demanded angrily. Being thrust into an unwelcome role was one thing. Being told she was not a fit candidate was quite another.

"Well, you're no older than Harry, for starters."

"And who knows this? Besides the three of us?" Mary Sue countered his objection. "I'll simply lie about my age on the Ministry forms."

"That might possibly work," Dumbledore considered. "But likely not," the old man shook his head, "Presently you're a complete unknown, but should we introduce you to wizarding society, it would reveal that you're merely a child."

"Well you're totally fucked, then, aren't you?" Mary Sue raised an eyebrow. "And so Harry goes to the Malfoys."

"Although..." Dumbledore reconsidered, stroking his long beard with one hand while he raised the index finger of the other one.

The black-haired duo waited patiently for him to ponder a solution.

"Well?" Mary Sue demanded. She wasn't nearly as patient as the author had hoped.

"If I were to induct you into the Order of the Phoenix, we could keep your identity secret. Secrecy is one of the benefits of a secret society, after all," Dumbledore explained in a whisper, so as to be sure to keep his Order secret.

"Would I get a cool uniform?" Mary Sue asked eagerly. A little too eagerly for Dumbledore's liking.

"There are no uniforms," he shook his head slowly. "Did I neglect to mention that the Order is a secret organization?"

"Okay, but how about some cool weapons?" Mary Sue tried again.

"Order members furnish their own," the old wizard disappointed her once more.

"A magical token or talisman?" she asked hopefully


"Hmm..." Mary Sue considered. "I get to wear a headband with 'Order of the Phoenix' printed on it. Final offer."

"How is that secret?" Dumbledore rolled his twinkly eyes.

"It'll be black with black letters."

"The Order is dedicated to the Light. White with white letters," Dumbledore countered.

"That would clash with my outfit," Mary Sue indicated with a sweep of her hand. "And white gets stained so easily. We'll compromise! I claim black letters, one-inch high Bonzai typeface, with all caps for 'ORDER' and 'PHOENIX.' You get to choose the background color," she grinned.

"Hmph!" Dumbledore growled. "Alright! Black background! Here!" Frowning, he produced his wand, conjured a headband, and offered it to her.

"One for Harry, too!" Mary Sue demanded after verifying that the lettering was to her liking.

"Me?" Harry blinked.

"Shut up! You don't have to wear it," Mary Sue rebuked him. "One for Harry, too!" she turned back to Dumbledore, her hand outstretched.

He grudgingly conjured another headband, which the girl snatched from his hand and presented to Harry.

"Okay - induct us!" she smiled.

"Not Harry," Dumbledore balked. "Only you."

"He's already got his own official headband," Mary Sue pointed out. "He's going to look like a Phoenix-head either way. Everyone's going to assume that he's a member. Just make it official, will you?"

"Oh alright!" Dumbledore gave in, weary of arguing with the obnoxious little brat. "I hereby deputize you both as members of the Order of the Phoenix and I hereby name Mary Sue as legal guardian to Harry James Potter." He waved his wand and a bit of sparkly dust shot out, settling over the pair's heads and shoulders.

"This means that you have to do as I say, Harry," Mary Sue was quick to take on her role as his guardian. "Put on your headband!" she demanded as she slipped her own over her head.

"You said I wouldn't have to wear it!"

"Changed my mind," Mary Sue shrugged.

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