Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Not Again!

Chapter 6

by Forty_Two 0 reviews

Welcome to Hogwarts. We're renovating. Please excuse our mess.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Parody - Characters: Harry,Hermione - Warnings: [!!!] [V] [?] - Published: 2015-06-22 - 2377 words


Chapter 6

"These will be your accommodations for the summer," the Deputy Headmistress announced as she touched her wand to the frame of a seemingly non-magical portrait. An elderly wizard awoke with a start.

"Er, yes! Er... Password!" he demanded, hastily straightening his robes.

"Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat," Professor McGonagall repeated quickly. "That's 'toy boat' repeated seven times," she informed the two with the black headbands. "If you falter, you must start again from the beginning."

"And you're allowed only five seconds," the wizard in the portrait warned as he pulled on a wooden lever and a door appeared in the corridor wall next to his painting.

"Follow me," McGonagall commanded, pushing open the door and stepping through. "This is Hogwarts' guest suite. You will have a common room equipped with two desks and two easy chairs." She pointed with her wand to two oaken doors "There and there you will find your sleeping rooms. The door in between is a shared bathroom. Any questions?"

"When's dinner?" Mary Sue smiled innocently.

"During the summer, meals are served at eight, noon and six o'clock," the Deputy Headmistress informed her. "Please be punctual."

"Cool!" Harry nodded, jumping over the arm of an easy chair and landing in it sideways.

Professor McGonagall glared at him before turning to leave. "One other thing," she paused in the doorway to deliver a stern warning, "There is some construction underway in the east wing, third floor corridor. That corridor is strictly off-limits."

Harry waited until the door closed behind the woman. "The Philosopher's Stone," he gave an indifferent shrug of his shoulders. "They must be working on the traps."

"I remember hearing about that. You were quite the hero," Mary Sue laughed as she plopped into the other easy chair, straddling it just as Harry was. "My brave little ward!" she teased. "It makes a mum proud!"

"D'you know how to conjure a door?" Harry asked.

"A basic door? Sure!" the Girl-in-Black shrugged. "If you want fancy, though..." she trailed off.

"I was thinking that maybe we could visit the second floor corridor - underneath the trapdoor - and add a backdoor to the final room where Dumbledore plans to hide the Stone."

"Why, Harry! You little devil! You would make a mum proud!"

"If I had the right sort of mum, I guess," Harry grinned.


"Mister Potter, a word?" McGonagall called Harry up to the High Table after lunch two weeks into his stay at Hogwarts. Mary Sue tagged along, of course.

"Please come to my office an hour before dinner. There are some things we need to discuss."

"What sorts of things, ma'am?" Harry wondered.

"You'll need supplies and a wardrobe for the school year. I'd like to make plans to visit Diagon Alley in a few weeks and we'll need to make up a list of what you require."

"Yes, ma'am," Harry nodded.


"Don't tell her you already have a wand," Mary Sue warned as they waited for the stairs to shift. "A second wand can be invaluable."

"I knew that!" Harry scowled in irritation.

"And get some decent-fitting clothes while you're in London. McGonagall won't know where to go, so I'll insist on coming along to assist with your Muggle shopping."


At five o'clock the two rapped on the door of the Deputy Headmistress' office. Their official business was concluded a half-hour later. Harry would be getting a wand from Ollivander's and they would make a side-trip to some Muggle shops near the Leaky Cauldron.

"What's that?" Harry pointed to an odd-looking contraption as the three stood to leave.

A magical white-gloved hand picked up a blank piece of parchment from a stack and placed it on the desk in front of a hovering quill. The quill dipped itself into a waiting ink bottle and scratched busily on the parchment for several minutes. When it finished, a blotter carefully rocked back and forth across the page, then the hand floated over to join another hand which helped fold the parchment and stuff it into an envelope. The second hand held the envelope in front of a drooling tongue which licked the flap. A large fist came down to press the envelope firmly before a floating candle tipped out a bit of wax and a heavy seal delivered the final blow, impressing the Hogwarts coat of arms into the wax.

"That sends out the Hogwarts letters," McGonagall noted. "Please do not disturb it. It has only three more days to finish this year's list. Your name is on there, somewhere, I believe. Yes, here it is, Mister Potter," she picked up the master list and pointed out Harry's name. "And now it is time for us to retire to the Great Hall for dinner," she announced.

Mary Sue watched carefully as the Deputy Headmistress replaced the master list just so beside the floating quill. The black-haired girl quickly removed her black headband and stuffed it into the pocket of her shorts. As the trio headed out into the corridor, Mary Sue stopped suddenly.

"Oops! Forgot my headband," she blushed and hurried back into the office. She plucked the floating quill from the air and added her name to the master list before dashing back out to join the other two, headband in hand.


It was several days before Harry's eleventh birthday that an owl delivered an envelope at breakfast. Well, two envelopes actually, but Mary Sue quickly pocketed the one with her name on it.

"It's my official Hogwarts letter," Harry smiled when he'd opened it. "Am I allowed to attend?" he asked, tongue in cheek, as he handed it to his guardian.

"If you insist," the Girl-in-Black made a show of rolling her eyes.


"Mister Potter?" Professor McGonagall stopped him as he passed the High Table.

"Yes, Professor?"

"You received an owl?" the woman managed a thin smile.

"Yes, ma'am! My Hogwarts letter!" Harry held it up. "I accept!" he grinned.

"Excellent! That being the case, we shall make that trip to Diagon Alley on Saturday."


"Did you get everything?" Harry asked once the two had returned from Diagon Alley and were safely back in their private suite. The pair had split up several times over the course of the day so that Mary Sue do some shopping of her own.

"Yes," the Girl-in-Black nodded. "You?"

"Everything! Ollivander's wand, too. That took forever, but then it always does." Harry frowned. "Did you get one, too?"

"Ollivander insisted on seeing my Hogwarts letter but then he agreed to sell me a wand. We'll have to use those only for school work since they have the Ministry trace on them," Mary Sue warned.

"Right," Harry nodded. "And no advanced spells."

"Of course!" Mary Sue rolled her eyes. "Check out this trunk!" she grinned, pulling it from her pocket and expanding it to normal size. "Two secret compartments! The first one the teachers can find if they search hard enough; the other is impossible to detect!"

"McGonagall made me get a regular student trunk," Harry groused.

"Then you'll have to hide your contraband in mine," Mary Sue offered as she shrunk it back down to pocket-size.

"Really!?" Harry brightened. "Spiffing!"


"Are you ready for start of term?" Mary Sue asked her ward as September first approached.

"Yeah," he nodded. "We got your Hogwarts letter and your kit. We installed our secret backdoor to the room on the second floor. All I need is my Hogwarts Express ticket. Dumbledore said he'd give that to me the day before. I guess he's worried that I'll lose it."

"Hogwarts Express!?" the Girl-in-Black stopped him. "Why would we travel all the way to London only to turn around and ride back here?"

"For five hours," Harry added. "Sitting with Ron Weasley," he shook his head. "Waste of time and energy. Reckon Dumbledore wants Ron and me to get acquainted straight off, though, so that's the plan."

"Why didn't you say something before now!" Mary Sue rounded on him angrily. "Just because Dumbledore wants you to do something doesn't mean you have to do it! From what I recall of Ron Weasley, he was - or will be - a bit of a git. You two seemed to revel in tales of how you nearly died, and Ron caused a fair percentage of them," she spat.

"The flying car bit was classic," Harry smiled. "Dangerous, what with the Whomping Willow and all, but classic."

"And Ron was responsible for the Great Troll Incident, if I recall..."

"That was me," Harry corrected.

"And who sent Hermione to that lavatory in the first place?" Mary Sue insisted hotly.

"Point taken," Harry nodded. "Dumbledore wants me to be friends with Ron, though, so I guess I'll have to..."

"Fuck Dumbledore!!" Mary Sue shouted. She'd had enough. "Stop being a loser, Harry! Stop thinking like a loser! Is this a 'Harry Potter' story or an 'Albus Fucking Dumbledore' story? If you're going to act like a dickless victim, I'm leaving!"

"But you've already bought all your stuff..."

"And I know exactly where to stuff it! Harry, if you can't grow a backbone and stand up to Dumbledore - Snape and Malfoy, too, for that matter - then you're going to have a very expensive multi-compartment trunk lodged in a very uncomfortable orifice!"

Harry gulped as he considered how his guardian's narrowed black eyes complimented her outfit, and wondered whether a shrunken trunk could really be expanded inside a confined space. He decided he didn't want to find out.

"So what's the plan?" he asked meekly.

"Your story - your plan!" the Girl-in-Black glared at him.

"I'll talk to Dumbledore," Harry sighed.

"I'll be right behind you, and if you can't change his mind, it won't be him that feels the point of my sword," she warned.

"But he's Dumbledore!" Harry protested.

"See these Order of the Phoenix headbands we're wearing?" Mary Sue pointed to her forehead. "Do you remember how we got these? I stood up to the old bastard, that's how! I said to myself, 'What have I got to lose?' and do you know what my answer was?"

"What?" Harry winced under her glare.

"Nothing! That's what! I'd lose out on a chance to be stuck in a crappy story playing a no-account OC who nobody cares about, because that's exactly what I'd be if I let Dumbledore win! Someone who doesn't have the guts to stand up for herself. Well, thanks but no thanks! If Dumbledore wants to kick me out, there's always the My Little Ponies fandom. A kick-ass sword would rock over there, and horses are innately afraid of whips."

Try as she might to maintain her hard-ass expression, Mary Sue couldn't help the smile that teased the corners of her mouth as Harry's eyes got bigger and bigger and bigger. Why not go for it? she thought.

"What do you think, Harry? How would I look sporting a dark purple ponytail? Rarity the unicorn can always grow another tail, right?"

Harry's mouth hung open and his eyes stared straight ahead. She'd broken him.


"All students are required to ride the Hogwarts Express, Harry," Dumbledore smiled over the tops of his spectacles.

Not sixth year, Harry thought to himself. "Then Professor McGonagall will be accompanying me, sir?" he asked instead. "Per your orders, she is required to escort me any time I leave Hogwarts grounds."

"I don't think that will be necessary, Harry," the Headmaster continued smiling. "Not this time."

"Excuse me, sir, but every single time I've wanted to go into Hogsmeade this summer, it was far too dangerous. But now, leaving me to fend for myself in a train station - where anyone can take a shot at me from the safety of the crowd - is not too dangerous? Are you trying to get me killed!?"

Behind Harry, Mary Sue nodded her support.

"The train ride gives students an opportunity to meet each other, to get acquainted before they are sorted into their Houses," the elderly wizard patiently explained.

"I'm not interested in a social gathering where I might be attacked, sir. I'll save my opportunities to get acquainted for when I can do so within the safety of the school," Harry insisted.

"Harry," the Headmaster soothed, "the Hogwarts Express is completely safe, I assure you. There is no need for concern."

Unless the train is boarded by Dementors, Harry considered, but he decided to take another tack. "Sir, is there a magical contract in effect that compels me to attend Hogwarts?"

"Yes, Harry, there is, but why do you ask?"

"I believe that this contract does not become binding until a student is Sorted. Am I correct?"

"Well, technically..." Dumbledore conceded, "but..."

"Then perhaps it would be best if I cancelled my registration and sought another venue to complete my magical education."

"Harry!!?" Dumbledore very nearly let out an audible gasp. "You can't do that! I mean you shouldn't... I mean you ..."

"I can and I will, sir," Harry announced boldly. Boldly enough to satisfy the girl standing directly behind him, he hoped. He had no idea where the point of her sword was, but he was glad that he couldn't feel it at the moment. "If you insist on throwing me to the Death Eaters, Headmaster, then I shall pack my trunk immediately."

"What my ward is saying, Headmaster," Mary Sue spoke up, "is that he will meet the Hogwarts Express when it arrives in Hogsmeade and he will be escorted by either you or your deputy from the time he leaves the castle until he is safely back on Hogwarts grounds."

"Very well! Rubeus Hagrid, my groundskeeper and one of my official deputies, will accompany Harry to and from Hogsmeade," Dumbledore glared at the Girl-in-Black. She may have won this battle but he would be rid of her as soon as the term started. Once she was out of the castle and Harry Potter was Sorted, the boy would be taught to show some respect for his elders.

"Thank you, sir," Harry smiled pleasantly, trying his best to match Dumbledore's initial welcoming expression. Harry's smile was aided by the absence of anything sharp poking his backside.

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