Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Not Again!

Chapter 7

by Forty_Two 0 reviews

September first.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Parody - Characters: Harry,Hermione - Warnings: [!!!] [V] [?] - Published: 2015-06-22 - 1685 words


Chapter 7

September first arrived at last. True to his word, Dumbledore assigned Hagrid the task of taking Harry into Hogsmeade. Mary Sue showed up to accompany her ward, of course. Neither had expected that they would make the trip to town by boat.

"Dumbledore said it'd be jus' Harry," Hagrid protested.

"I'll be taking the Express back to London," Mary Sue smiled. "My trunk's all packed," she nodded to it, "and I wanted to say goodbye to Harry on the platform in Hogsmeade."

"Well, a'right. No harm in it, I reckon," Hagrid agreed. He picked up Mary Sue's trunk and deposited it in the rowboat with Harry's trunk.

"Jus' enough room fer me in one a' these little boats," Hagrid warned. "You two'll have ter take that one. Doan' worry none - I'll be right behind yeh."

"Isn't there supposed to be a giant squid living in this lake?" Mary Sue asked, drawing her sword.

"Hey now! We'll have none o' that! He's a gentle sort, he is!"

"Well the lake is his 'personal space' but this boat is ours," the Girl-in-Black shot back. "Trespassers will be amputated!"

It was still light for the ride over. The boat trip back was made in total darkness. In between, there was a meeting of import, or a 'getting acquainted opportunity,' as the Headmaster preferred to call it.

"Firs' years! Firs' years! Gather roun'!" Hagrid called as the students began pouring out of the Hogwarts Express onto the platform.

"Potter!" a haughty voice behind him caught Harry's attention. "I've been looking for you!" Harry turned to come face to face with Draco Malfoy.

"Excuse me? Do I know you?" Harry tried to match the blonde boy's superior air.

"You will soon enough, Potter," Malfoy replied smoothly. "Draco Malfoy," he offered his hand. "Some families are worth knowing, others...?" he trailed off, turning his attention to the Girl-in-Black, whose black eyes were glaring back at him menacingly. "And who might you be?" he asked, lowering his hand when Harry refused to shake it.

Crabbe and Goyle moved closer, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Malfoy. Mary Sue's hand moved to the hilt of her sword as she closed ranks with her ward.

"A friend," Harry answered evenly.

From the look in the pair's eyes, there was no doubt in Draco's mind that any chance he might have had of befriending the Boy-Who-Lived had fled. His father would be disappointed. Too bad. If Potter would not be a friend, he would be treated as an enemy.

"Too good to ride the Express like everyone else?" Draco sneered loudly, drawing some murmurs from the other first years who'd gathered round. "Your fame will do you no good, now, Potter. Your wand work is what counts here, and I happen to know that you were raised by MUGGLES!"

Gasps were heard from the other first years as Mary Sue's grip tightened on the hilt of her sword.

"An' who might you be?" Hagrid turned around to stare at the blonde boy, "A Malfoy, I reckon," he nodded. "Well march yerself down to the lake there and find yerself a boat. No mor'n four to a boat. Go on!" the groundskeeper's large hand hastened Draco and his buddies along.

"Watch yourself, Potter," Malfoy got in the last word. "You won't always have a half-breed giant looking out for you."

As Hagrid worried with corralling the nervous first-years, Mary Sue took advantage of the confusion to levitate her trunk over to where the house-elves were unloading the baggage. She set her trunk on top of Harry's and then the two made their way down the dark path to the lake. They quietly stepped into a rowboat holding two excited young witches and they kept their heads down for the trip back to the castle.


"Potter, Harry," Professor McGonagall called out and Harry stepped up to take his place on the stool.

"GRYFFINDOR!" yelled the Sorting Hat after only a moment's hesitation.

The Great Hall erupted in cheering, most of it coming from the Gryffindor table. Harry joined his new housemates and was duly congratulated as the Deputy Headmistress continued on down her list.

"Zabini, Blaise," she eventually worked her way through the alphabet.

The dark-skinned boy walked over to the stool, leaving Mary Sue as the last person to be called up.

"Sue, Mary?" Professor McGonagall frowned after announcing the last name on the list. "I say..." the elderly witch reached up to adjust her spectacles and squinted at the parchment.

Too late! Mary Sue was seated on the stool in an instant and the Sorting Hat was shouting out, "GRYFFINDOR!" for all to hear.

"But..." McGonagall started to protest.

"I have my Hogwarts letter," Mary Sue waved the parchment overhead, "and the Sorting Hat just made it official!" the girl reminded the frowning Deputy Headmistress before she hurried off to join Harry at her new House table.

"Minerva?" the Headmaster asked tensely from his gold-painted 'throne' behind the High Table, "What is the meaning of this?"

"It would seem, Albus, that Hogwarts has accepted Mary Sue as a first-year student," his Deputy Headmistress replied, sounding just as distressed as he did.

"NO!!" the old wizard slammed his fist down on the High Table, his long-suppressed anger forcing its way to the surface and causing his voice to tremble dangerously. "That's not possible!"

"It appears that it is, Headmaster, but the matter will have to wait. I believe that it's time for you say a few words to begin the feast."

Dumbledore stood and glared over the tops of his spectacles toward the Gryffindor table. "Nitwit! Blubber! Bollocks! Fuck!" he shouted. "What the bloody hell are you little twits waiting for? Eat!"

As the food appeared upon the golden platters, Harry turned to Mary Sue. "I hope this isn't going to be just another do-over story," he fretted. "I hate those."

"Really? I've never done one," Mary Sue replied distractedly as she speared a slice of ham with her short-sword and deftly flipped it onto her plate.

"You've never done a do-over!?" Harry paused to gape at her. "What have you done, then? Harry-Potter-wise, I mean?"

"I usually get to make my entrance either just before or just after fifth year. Harry Potter and the Heroes of Crannog's Cairn, was a good one," Mary Sue considered, spearing a baked potato with the tip of her sword. "Crannog's Cairn turned out to be just an old pile of rocks, but I was cast as one of the heroes."

"Heroine, don't you mean?"

"Harry, it's very impolite to correct your elders in public."

"Impolite!? Look who's being impolite! Why do you insist on using your sword as a serving fork?" Harry asked reasonably as three hot-buns were skewered, ka-bob style, and drawn toward Mary Sue's plate.

"I'm instructing my House-mates in proper table manners. Have you noticed how the sword tends to keep others from reaching?"

"Even Ron Weasley!" Harry observed in surprise.

"Here, have a hot-bun, Harry," Mary Sue slid the third roll off of her sword and onto Harry's plate.

"I know where that sword's been!" Harry balked at the offered bun.

"Keeps your immune system up-to-snuff!" she smirked. "Pass the butter!"


"You realize, don't you, that wearing a sword to classes sends a message of intimidation to your classmates," a bushy-haired witch in Gryffindor robes informed Mary Sue as she took her seat for breakfast.

"Yes, I'm aware of that," the Girl-in-black grinned evilly.

"Well I think it's rude!" the brunette retorted. "I'm sure that it's prohibited in the Student Guide and Regulations, somewhere. I'll be inquiring at the library for a copy immediately after breakfast," she informed half of the Gryffindor table in a very know-it-all tone.

"I already checked," Mary Sue replied, her sword deftly piercing four sausages, two for herself and two for Harry. "Swords are required dress for wizards, optional for witches."

"What!!?" the bushy-haired girl exclaimed.

"It's an ancient rule - not enforced anymore - but it was never repealed. You might want to read Hogwarts: A History before you go running off at the mouth."

"I remember you from the Sorting last evening," the brunette furrowed her ample eyebrows from the other side of the Gryffindor table. "Your name fell out of sequence. It was almost as if it had been penciled in at the end."

"Granger, Hermione? Am I right?" Mary Sue eyed the girl as she speared another sausage on her sword tip and offered it across the table.

"Thank you," Hermione used her fork to slide the sausage onto her plate. "Yes - Hermione Granger. I didn't catch your last name?"

"I don't have a last name. That's why mine was sorted to the end of the list."

"Really!?" Hermione blinked in surprise. "I'm terribly sorry!"

"Apology accepted!" Mary Sue grinned.

"No! I didn't mean..." the other girl began. "Oh, never mind," she shook her head and poured herself some pumpkin juice.

"Er, swords are required for wizards?" Harry double-checked with his guardian.

"Technically," Mary Sue shrugged.

"So I should have one, then, so as to not be in violation," Harry insisted. "Er, technically," he added quickly.

"You do realize that if it's not a magical sword, Malfoy and his band of Slytherins will mock you even worse than they do now?"

"Hmph!" Harry frowned, the wheels in his head turning furiously. "Where am I going to find a magical sword?" he muttered to himself.

"Orcs are out for this fandom. Have you perhaps considered killing a Goblin?" Mary Sue threw out a suggestion. "Goblin steel is nothing to sneeze at."

"I wonder whether a basilisk fang might make a good sword?" Harry made a suggestion of his own.

"Too lethal to be carrying around Hogwarts," Mary Sue shook her head. "Besides, even the longest fang would yield only a dagger at best."

"Acromantula pincers?" Harry considered. "They're rumored to be as hard as steel."

"Possibly," the Girl-in-Black nodded thoughtfully.

Across the table, Hermione Granger's eyes peeked over the top of her goblet of pumpkin juice as she followed the conversation with interest.

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